Minx (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - I Thought the Bed Was Gonna Fly - full transcript

You really gonna leave
all this for business school?

I was thinkin' about it.

Well, don't.

The best is yet to come.

Hey, honey, I'm home.

You know, I was thinking
about you and Bambi,

seeing you two
together like that...

Like what?

But she came to, um...

Over to, uh, borrow this bra.

- Oh, yes.
- Mm-hmm.



I lost mine in a well.

Constance Papadopoulos.

- I love it.
- I pitched her

on investing in Bottom Dollar.

No, look, she's-she's
retired from shipping.

She... no. She has zero
publishing experience.

I just hear "deep pockets

with no big ideas of what
to do with a magazine."

Why didn't I think of that?

You don't have to.
That's why you got me.

Maybe I have one
good chapter left.

I cannot believe he was right.

Yes, he
was. But do we need him?

♪ Well, you
can bump And grind... ♪



♪ It's good for your mind ♪

♪ Well, you... ♪

Now this is what I
call a comeback, huh?

Yeah, baby.

♪ No, you won't fool ♪

♪ The children Of
the revolution ♪

When I bought this
company three weeks ago,

this is exactly the kind
of cultural happening

that I hoped to
become a part of.

And I have this man
and his global vision

to thank for pulling me out
of a premature retirement

and hosting this historic event.

You know, a lot of
people counted us out.

But we are back, and
we are better than ever

with the hottest new movie

to launch the hottest
new company, BDP.

Remember that name.

We're becoming a
major player in media.

And, sure, Minx is our flagship,

but we're gonna be so much
more than just one magazine.

I'm CFO, chief fun officer.

And I'm art director,
which is an actual title.

We're building a catalog
of new magazines.

Hosting fancy parties
like this one.

There might even
be some merchandise

coming your way.

You said you wanted splashy.

- Is this splashy enough?
- Well, it's a beginning.

Where's our star
editor? Not here yet?

Oh, Joyce? Uh, she's coming.

She loves red carpets.

She absolutely loves them.

Faith not
filth. Faith not filth.

Faith not filth.
Faith not filth!

Whoo! Yeah.

- Hello!
- Where were you?

Oh, sorry.
The 101 was crazy.

No, it wasn't. That's
how we got here.

Okay, fine. I was writing
my editor's letter.

A fine thank-you for giving
her the bigger office.

They're the same size.

The glass creates
an optical illusion.

- They are not.
- Look, it's

the first issue
with the new owner.

I wanted to make the
right statement, okay?

And, um, speaking of, are
we sure that Deep Throat

is really putting our
best foot forward?

Oh, I think so. It's a
really feminist tale.

It's about a woman
searching for an orgasm.

Yeah, which she
finds via a clitoris

conveniently located
inside of her mouth?

It's always in the
last place you look.

This is our big launch, Joycey,

just smile and
make us look good.

- Have a little fun.
- All right.

This is a big win for us.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh,

there are so many
fabulous people here.

Any new names on
the, uh, guest list?

Red Buttons, the Alans...
Alda and Arkin...

And, you're never
gonna believe this,

Warren frickin' Beatty.

Connie's gonna love this.

Porn has gone mainstream.
We should have

- an after-party, right?
- Yes.

- No. No.
- Yes, let's do

- an after-party.
- God no.

The second this is over,
I'm at home in the bath.

Joan Didion has a new
piece in the Paris Review.

I've been saving it.

- It's 7,000 words, no pictures.
- It's a quick read.

Rich, go
take some photos.

Bambs, mingle.

When you see Warren
Beatty, let me know.

- I wanna meet him.
- Definitely.

What about me?

You're management, baby.

You're not lifting a finger.
You just enjoy your night.

Well, we are certainly a
long way from Seneca Falls.

Yeah.

Come
have a drink with me.

- With pleasure.
- You guys have fun.

We will. Nice
cane, by the way.

It's a walking stick.
Churchill had one.

So did Willy Wonka.

Oh, let him have his moment.

Poor man already feels
like an appendage.

- Mr. Renetti...
- What?

...I'm Timmy,
the projectionist.

Okay.

Sorry, sir,
we have a problem.

Deep Throat is missing.

♪ Uhn, ahh ♪

Okay.

Why are you freakin'
me out, Timmy?

- They're right here.
- Yes, the canisters.

Okay?

What am I lookin' at here?

That's Bedknobs and Broomsticks,

a five-time Academy Award
nominated musical fantasy

set during World War II.

Three adorable moppets
are placed in the care

of an apprentice witch
played by Angela Lansbury.

Apprentice? The woman's
nearly 70 years old.

Miss Lansbury's

in her early 40s.

She just has one of those faces.

Well, unless somebody
comes on that face

in the second act,

this audience is
gonna eat me alive.

What can I say, Doug?

My old lady made
me hire her son.

He's a fuckin' moron.

Yeah, Dwight, I'm
talkin' about you.

Aw, you really fucked me
on this one, you know that?

You think
you got it bad?

I'd hate to be at
that birthday party

in Palos Verdes.

I'm gonna slide

up and down the banister.

I thought the bed was gonna fly.

I guess you could
drive over there.

It's a two-hour drive.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I have a theater full of people.

My boss is here.

You are in luck.

There's another copy
of the film nearby.

Bob Evans been sittin' on it.

Who the
hell is Bob Evans?

He's some
Hollywood hotshot,

and I think he
did The Godfather.

Here, give me that.
Give me that. Come here.

- Director?
- Uh, no.

- Writer?
- I-I don't know.

All I know is, he's been
spankin' it to this movie

- for two weeks straight.
- Ali MacGraw

left him for Steve McQueen.
Cut the guy some slack.

Doug, what the
hell are we doin'?

It's 30 minutes there.
It's 30 minutes back.

Please... I'll-I'll
vamp for the crowd.

Just please do this for me.

Thomas Guide?

It's in the back seat.

And, please, easy on the brakes.

It's a very expensive car.

Thank you, guys. I
love you, I love you,

I love you.

- Everything all right?
- Oh, with me?

Fantastic. Thank
you for asking.

Who's that? Who's that?

- Hmm?
- Who was that?

- I don't know. Is he famous?
- Hi!

- Hey.
- I didn't think you guys

were gonna show.

Yeah, me neither,

especially after I buried
the first invitation

at the bottom of the trash can.

But then the second
one showed up

and this one got
his hands on it,

so here we are.

This scene is wild.

You know what? I am.

I'm gonna unbutton
the second button.

- Yes, fun.
- No, no, no.

You have that eczema patch.

Oh, just put the chain
over it. It'll be foxy.

No, no, no.
I got it. I got it.

I got it. It's okay.

That's perfect. Thank you.

You guys, drinkies.

I'm Chief Fun
Offering my services.

Um, uh, two Jack and Cokes,

unless you have
anything stronger.

Um, I'll see what they have.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.

Thank God you're here.

You can keep me company
at this bacchanal.

Is that... uh, is that...

is that... no, don't...
Is it Telly Savalas?

That could
be any bald head.

No, no.
Look at the gleam.

That's him. That's
Telly Savalas.

- I know it.
- God, the Lamberts

at Deep Throat.

What is the world coming to?

Well, this film is the talk
of the dental community.

Yeah, if that smug Peter
Strom wants to brag

about his porcelain veneers
again, then I'm gonna say,

"Oh, really? Well,
guess what I got to see.

I got to see"... Yul Brynner.

- Oh, is it?
- I knew

- it was a celebrity skull.
- I do like Yul.

Now the movie's gonna
start and I didn't say hi.

Uh, you can talk to him after.

- Shall we do this?
- Maybe we're sitting

- by him.
- All right...

- Are we sitting by him?
- No, we're

definitely not. We're
not seated by him.

- How do you know?
- Please don't. Please don't.

That's such a
snazzy jacket, Lenny.

Thank you.

I don't get to, uh,
trot it out very often,

- but...
- You know what?

Let's be close to the aisle.

- Okay. Ooh.
- Yeah?

- You want me to go...
- Oh, that's so cute.

Your bladder's
the size of a pea.

- Uh, Joyce...
- Yeah.

You know what?
You need to sit here.

- We have sister business.
- Oh, okay.

Prigger! Joyce!

Can I talk to you
for a second? Now?

I'm so sorry, Bambi.

Okay. Yup.

Okay. Sorry. Excuse us.

Sorry.

- Just scootch that on over.
- Oh.

Okay,
what do you think?

Popcorn, nachos, dog of corn?

Oh, uh, nachos, please.

I have seen popcorn
hulls get jammed

right up into the gumline.

- Yeah.
- Your job is so interesting.

Oh.

Do you judge people
when they get cavities,

or is it nice to feel needed?

Well, is it crazy if I say

it's a little bit of both?

No.

No, well, that's
what I was saying...

Oh, no.

Something gone awry with
your mob-distributed

- illegal film?
- Okay, listen, Joyce,

I-I might have to get up
there and vamp a little bit

for the crowd, and-and-and
I might pull you up, okay?

And I'm gonna need you,
if you get up there,

to talk about the...
Kind of the lady Minx

perspective of the movie
to keep people going.

All right, the Minx
perspective is gonna

be quite happy in her seat,
eating Nonpareils, okay?

- Want one?
- No, I don't want a Nonpareil.

Those are disgusting.

Fuck.

What?

We're here
for the reels.

No. Not Lady
Sings the Blues.

Deep Throat.

Okay, thank you. You too.

- Kevin's coming down.
- If you say so.

Welcome, everybody,
to the biggest and baddest

social event of 1973.

This movie is too hot
for New York City.

They couldn't handle it.

Chicago couldn't handle it.

But this is LA, baby.

Can we handle it?

Oh.

But first, I wanna introduce

Minx's own Joyce Prigger.

Come on up, Joycey.

You're gonna love
her. I know I do.

Get up, Joycey.

Joyce! Joyce!
Joyce! Joyce! Joyce!

Joyce! Joyce! Whoo!

Whoo!

Surely we can work
something out, guys.

Shutting this down seems
to be an extreme reaction

to this situation.

You placed ads on billboards.

You got those drive time idiots

to yammer about it on the radio.

Then you wave your klieg
lights across the city

for a movie that's banned
in half the country.

You tied the DA's hands.

Friends, you're
killin' me right now.

As we're all aware,

Michelangelo was repulsed
by the female form.

Um... uh...

Uh, his greatest depictions...

were of virginal,
untouched Mary.

Uh...

Have you guys seen the movie?

It's more arthouse
than it is porn.

You know what it's
about? It's about a woman

- searching for pleasure...
- Mr. Renetti,

this is not a negotiation.

If a single frame of Deep Throat

hits that screen,

we're gonna arrest
you and everyone here.

You guys really know how to rain

on someone's parade,
you know that?

I just don't know
what I'm gonna tell

all those people in the theater.

I got no Deep Throat
now 'cause of you.

Well, better you say it here

than from the inside
of a jail cell.

Good
night, Mr. Renetti.

I got egg all
over my face, officers.

You win again.

I lose again.

Thanks for nothin', officers.

Deep dish pizza,

a lake as big as an ocean,

- the Cubbies...
- Is that a haiku?

No.

I was just listing
all the things

that you missed out
on by turning down

- the University of Chicago.
- Don't start.

Running Minx is my
business school.

Tina, you're not running
Minx. You're running errands.

Doug can distract us with
all the new titles he wants,

but we're still his gofers.

Oh.

There's supposed to be six.

Yeah. Bob
wanted to give

the last three one more viewing.

- He's had it for a week.
- I don't know, man.

The engagement
sequence cheers him up.

All right, I'll drive
back with the first set.

You stay and take a
cab with the rest.

Wha...

Oh, Porn Schlepping 101.
I love that MBA program.

Is that grass?

No.

- Do you have 'em?
- Yes.

Yes.

Oh, Tina, hallelujah.

Tell me you weren't
ridin' the brakes

like that the whole time.

Would you quit worrying?

You kill the
brakes when you do that.

Uh, very good guess, but
no, that is the perineum.

Warren, for the 12th time,
I know you know, all right?

We all know you now. Right?

Gentlemen, does any
man in this room

besides Warren
Beatty over there,

know where the clitoris
is on a female body?

Absolutely not.

Yes, good sir.

The little nubbin
under the beret.

Ew. Jeez.

But yes. Yes, yes.

It's the nubbin.

The nubbin, everybody.
All right, now, let's...

Hey-hey, ladies and gentlemen,
you've had enough of me.

Are you ready for the absurdist

cinematic spectacle of our time,

Deep Throat?

So do all
of Bob's assistants

have to wait for
him to jerk off?

I'm actually a VP at Paramount.

But I started as his assistant,

and he can't stop
thinkin' of me that way.

The things
he makes me do.

You know, if
I ever have an assistant,

I swear I'm gonna
be so nice to him.

- I do have an assistant.
- Mm.

Who do you
think is standing

outside Bob's door right now?

No. No. I'm getting loopier
by the second, so...

And if I like you loopy?

Kevin, I'm done. I need

a strawberry milkshake...

and a menthol cigarette.

Also, I, uh, fired
your assistant.

He won't stop crying.

- Duty calls.
- Mm.

Can you get me a cab?

I have a better idea.

Listen,
having a clitoris

deep down at the
bottom of your throat

is better than having
no clitoris at all.

That's easy for
you to say.

Suppose your balls
were in your ear.

Why, then I could
hear myself coming.

Listen, we have
the problem solved.

All we have to do now
is find a solution.

Like what?

Like-like deep throat.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Oh, my God.
- Deep what?

Deep throat.

You make
it sound so easy.

Well, it is.

Try it. You'll like it.

Well, what
have I got to lose?

- Come dear.
- How much time

we got left, Timmy?

Seven, maybe eight minutes.

Well, it-it's
better to give the audience

some Deep Throat than
no Deep Throat, right?

No. It's way worse.

- See this crack?
- Yeah.

Sound of Music,
'66. We spooled out

right as the Nazis rushed in.

All right, so we are
about to give blue balls

to this entire theater.

Is that what you're
telling me right now?

Yes, sir.

Teens? Teens? Please.

I need you.

I need you to go find
Richie and figure out

what the holdup is.

By the time I get
there and back,

this reel'll be long
done. It doesn't m...

No, I have a plan for that.
I have a plan for that.

I'm gonna have Joyce go up there

and tap dance a little bit.

- Please. Please.
- Okay, but it...

- it just doesn't make sense.
- I-I-I need you

to go, please.

- I'm begging you.
- Ooh, okay. Yep.

Oh, God.

It's a lot. Right?

I've mostly been
watching the crowd

- instead of the screen.
- What? Oh, no.

I-I-I had a large cola.

You know, after three kids,
whoosh, goes right through ya.

Well, Lenny seems to
be having a good time.

Oh, yeah.
Mark my words,

he's in there workshopping
a Deep Throat joke

he'll be telling for years.

Huh? Ow!

What's wrong with you?

- Joan Didion?
- Oh, my God.

Is it the auth... Joan
Didion? Is she here?

- Hi. Hi.
- Oh, God.

- I'm, uh... I'm Joyce...
- Joyce Prigger, yeah.

I enjoyed your
little performance.

Oh, God. Blech.

What are you doing here?

Forming an opinion.

I wanted to see what all
the... the fuss was about.

Well, people are
here.

You know, and people
are really laughing.

But I-I think that's because

of the collective anxiety

of watching something
so unsettling on screen.

The laughter's a nervous
release, you know?

I think they're laughing
'cause it's a comedy.

Yes. I-I agree.

Well, I don't think
it was their intent,

but, uh, regardless,

they seem to have
stumbled onto something.

And will you excuse me?

Hey, Joan?

Um, fun idea just
occurred to me.

What if you wrote

about this for Minx?

Uh...

Just some small musings, really.

Just you... just your thoughts

on what it all means.

It is possible to
continue this conversation

at another time?

Well, uh, actually,

um, we're having an after-party,

um, which you should come to.

Um, and we can...
we can chat there

if you like and talk about life

and star signs
and...

- Um...
- Oh.

- There you go.
- Yeah.

Is this in the valley?

Help me push this
against the door.

- It might buy us some time.
- Stop it.

Her-her-her
eyes were smiling.

You know? Like-like-like,

from ear to ear. Oh!

Oh, God, no!

Oh! Oh, God.

Oh, that's terrible.

Find reel four.

- All right. Jesus.
- Oh, okay.

I haven't seen any of it.
How am I supposed to know

- what's in reel four?
- Shout it out.

- I'll know.
- I've got, uh,

pubic shaving.

Is this the nurse
making whoopie?

There's a straw coming
out of her vagina.

That's Coke dildo.

Coke dildo starts reel four.

All right,
give me reel four.

It's reel four. Give it to me.

Thank you. Come on.

Oh, my
God. Give me that.

- Come on.
- Fuck!

Je... God, reel four.

Case 358.
Albert Finster. Age 25.

Bachelor.

Has an obsession in finding out

that things really do
go better with Coke.

Relax your muscles...

♪ I'd like to try ♪

♪ Please don't
think Less of me ♪

♪ I'd like to drink
A little Coke ♪

All right.

Oh. Thank you.
You're very kind.

Thank you.

Hi, hello.

Did you enjoy it?
Love your boa.

'Kay, thank you.
Great to meet you.

Thank you. Oh, I'm
sorry. Excuse me.

All right, you should
put some ice on that,

because we have an
after-party to host.

Thought you nixed that. Who
was it, Joyce Carol Oates

in the bathtub, reading
a book or something?

No, it's Joan Didion, and she's
coming to the party, okay?

She might actually be
writing about Deep Throat

for our magazine.

Oh, God, this really is
a cultural phenomenon.

- Uh... it's not gonna happen.
- Hi.

We don't have time
to throw a party.

What? No, it's fine.
Constance is all over it.

She's got a caterer on retainer.

- Constance...
- Yeah.

Is gonna stock the booze
for one of our parties?

- Yeah.
- No.

- Why?
- No, no, if we're gonna do it,

it's gotta be Tina.
I'll send Tina.

- She knows what good...
- Tina! Where is Tina?

I haven't seen her all
evening. Thank you.

Hi! Oh, my God, hi.

Enjoy!

- Great choice.
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ If it's all right... ♪

No, no, I
liked it. I liked it.

Of course, I've had a
lot of women patients,

but the only thing
I've ever found

in the back of a woman's throat

is esophageal cancer.

So another... oh, yeah.

Hey, you're driving.

Oh, the green
ones are for focus.

Astronauts take them
to survive reentry.

- You can have half.
- Ooh.

- Give it.
- I love what you did

with the lens flare.
It makes you feel

like someone's looking.

Most
people get derailed

by the monster cock.

Oh. Funny and talented.

Hope you're ready
to hit the big time.

Okay.

Well, the difference
is, cane's got a crook,

whereas this baby right
here... check that out.

Nepalese fire opal.

They say it's cursed.

I say
it's expensive.

- Ahem.
- A great piece.

♪ I know you're
gonna Make it all right ♪

Oh, yeah?
When I was a kid,

I thought a blow job was someone

literally blowing on your dick.

No, the first time
I saw a penis,

I thought it was a
long belly button.

What kind of wackos
send these unsolicited?

Aw, grandpa thinks he
belongs in a magazine.

That's Wayne. He
has a purple heart.

Yeah. And
a purple penis.

Um...

Hey, can
I get a refill?

♪ Now, I know
That when I take you... ♪

Ah,
nothing more attractive

than a man doing the dishes.

You know, if you were
20 years younger,

I might just lock
you away in my tower.

Well, if you
were ten years older,

I might let ya.

I'm just sayin' my goodbyes.

Not bad for our
maiden voyage, huh?

What do you think? You happy?

I especially appreciate
the way you handled

the debacle with
the missing reels

and the police.

- What police?
- Mm-hmm.

I know that you're
used to taking care

of all these things by
yourself, but use me.

I was the DA's
third-largest donor,

and that prickly son
of a bitch owes me.

Good to know.

But I like what I
saw tonight, Douglas.

I'm very excited to
roll up our sleeves

and see where this is gonna go.

Me too.

Oh, and by the way,

awfully generous of you to
give Joyce the larger office.

You are a gentleman.

Your car is on Mulholland

somewhere between Coldwater

and Laurel Canyon.

That Rolls is a piece
of shit, and so are you.

I shouldn't have sent you,

but there was no way I
could have reached...

Laurel and Coldwater?

That's a two-mile
stretch, Teens.

Tough shit.

I just walked into
a big-ass party

that I wasn't invited to

for a movie I didn't get to see.

Go back to
the party, guys.

Have fun. Tina, please,

you think that was my intention?

There was no way
I could reach you.

Résumés for
my replacement.

I am the managing editor,
Doug, not your secretary.

If you need me, I'll be drinking

your secret Scotch
in Joyce's office.

That's where the
fun seems to be.

The-the-the only thing

I've found at the back
of a woman's throat

is a swollen uvula.

Okay, these pills are
definitely making me funnier.

- Can I have the other half now?
- No. It's 2:00 a.m.

The sitter probably
thinks we're dead.

Okay, so what's another hour?

You've had enough, okay?

Y-you can tell all your
friends tomorrow at the club

about your big party
with the porn stars.

That's what you think
this night is about?

Shell...

Something is going on with
you, and I don't know what.

And I-I don't quite know
why, but I just figured

it would be good
for us to get away

from the kids and the house

and the responsibilities,

try to have a
little fun together?

I would like that, too,

to have some fun with you.

Look, I love you.

And-and whatever this is,

I wanna figure it out with you.

Do whatever it takes.

I do still have that
other half, so...

♪ ...to
your lips, darlin' ♪

♪ It's poison to some ♪

Come with me.

I know a place.

kiss.

- Oh.
- Watch out,

the cabinet on the left
is a little wobbly.

Okay.

You're the
belle of the ball.

Joan! Hi.

I didn't know you
were here. Hi.

That's by design.

Oh.

Is that your notebook?

Are you-are you considering
writing the piece?

I don't think I have
much to say about Deep Throat.

Oh. Really?

Mm.

But doesn't it seem
like people are longing

for a way to be more
open about sexuality

and-and to ask questions
without feeling shame?

And so they've turned
this ridiculous movie

into this spectacle

to give themselves a
way to do just that.

And, do you know, I don't
think it stops there.

I-I think... I don't know.

This feels like the
beginning of something.

♪ It's
poison for some ♪

Sounds like you've already
started writing it.

♪ So
wait like a lady ♪

♪ Lady, lady, lady
Lady, lady, lady ♪

♪ Wait like a lady
Wait like a lady ♪

♪ Lady, lady, lady... ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

Well, this is the biggest
party we've ever thrown.

Oh, by far.

Ernest Borgnine
and Warren Beatty

came to blows in
the parking lot.

What? Why didn't
anybody come tell me?

It wasn't a fair fight.

Ernie dropped with one punch.

Ugh, I fucking
missed everything.

I think I like the
old parties better.

Yeah. Porn's gone mainstream.

♪ My daddy said ♪

♪ Son, the time's done come ♪

♪ I'm gonna turn you loose
And let go your hand ♪

♪ You got to go in the world
And prove yourself a man ♪

♪ 'Cause you been
Put down here ♪

♪ To be number one ♪

♪ You've got to rise
In the morning ♪

♪ And meet the sun ♪

♪ You gotta sit at the
table And break the bread ♪

♪ And if the blood
In your veins ♪

♪ Is runnin' red ♪

♪ Then you ought to be a man ♪

♪ Or you might
as well Be dead ♪

♪ My daddy said ♪

♪ Son, the time's done come ♪

♪ You got to look all
around Find a solid stone ♪

♪ You got to make
Things ready ♪

♪ And build yourself a home ♪

♪ 'Cause you been
Put down here ♪

♪ To be number one ♪

♪ You got to rise
In the morning ♪

♪ And meet the sun ♪

♪ You got to sit at the
table And break the bread ♪

♪ And if the blood
In your veins ♪

♪ Is runnin' red ♪

♪ Then you ought to be a man ♪

♪ Or you might
as well Be dead ♪

Eighteen.

Motherfuck.

♪ My daddy said ♪

♪ Son, the time's done come ♪

♪ You got To find
you a woman ♪

♪ And treat her good ♪

♪ Do your duty Like
you know you should ♪

♪ You'll never have to
worry 'Bout bein' alone ♪

♪ The woman's gonna
make you A happy home ♪

♪ 'Cause you been
Put down here ♪

♪ To be number one ♪

♪ You got to rise
In the morning ♪

♪ And meet the sun ♪

♪ You got to sit at the
table And break the bread ♪

♪ And if the blood
In your veins ♪

♪ Is runnin' red ♪

♪ Then you ought to be a man ♪

♪ Or you might
as well Be dead ♪

♪ Then you ought to be a man ♪

♪ Or you might
as well Be dead ♪