Minor Adjustments (1995–1996): Season 1, Episode 19 - The Model Wife - full transcript
[scatting]
- Welcome. - Thank you very much.
Please make yourself comfortable.
[speaking in foreign language]
Since this is our first session let me get started by asking
what brings you here.
[speaking in foreign language]
[shouting in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
Thank you very much.
Why are you leaving?
This was just what we needed. Good bye.
[speaking in foreign language]
My mother says, "You're a very good listener."
[speaking in foreign language]
She also says, "There is no way we're paying for this."
[scatting]
You just sit here and wait for your father, you little lunatic.
- You can't call a kid that. - He bit me.
That doesn't make him a lunatic.
You're an orthodontist. You put you hand in kids' mouth.
You should expect to get your finger bitten once in a while.
He bit me on the leg.
[instrumental music]
- 'Wow.' - 'She is stunning.'
I hate her.
Well, I don't hate her. I just hate what she represents.
I mean, women like that make women like me feel..
(both) Plain.
[grunts]
I was gonna say insecure. She is a freak.
One percent of the women in the world look like her
and the other 99 percent look..
(both) Like you.
[grunts]
Excuse me. I'm looking for Dr. Bronson.
Yikes!
I said, "I'm looking for Dr. Bronson."
Yeah, and I said, "Yikes."
Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?
Yes, it's a curse sometimes.
When?
Well, probably like now
'cause you're looking for Dr. Bronson
and I'm just staring at you.
[chuckling]
Exactly.
I could see how that would be irritating.
Oh! Look him up, right.
She is the woman of my dreams.
Hell, woman of my dreams wishes she look that good.
Why don't you go over there and say something to her?
Oh, come on.
Women like that wouldn't give me the time of day.
I don't need that kind of rejection.
Oh, come on, you're successful
smart, good looking.
Why wouldn't she be interested in you?
'Cause she could probably have anyone she wanted.
If you could have anyone you wanted, would you pick me?
No!
You couldn't think about it for just a minute?
I think you have a very good chance with her.
- Really? - Sure.
You could be skipping through the forest
and meet a fairy who grants you three wishes
and after you wished, you were taller and smarter
you could wish for her.
- She's right. I'm a loser. - No, you're not a loser.
You're a chicken.
Oh, great. Now you gonna try and goad me into doing it?
Come on, what do you got to lose?
What's one more rejection?
It's like the hunch back in Notredame
worried about a pimple.
You know you're right.
Okay, I'll do it.
[inhales deeply]
Bronson, I found it.
Okay, Dr. Bronson is located
on the fourth-floor suite 412.
Thank you.
- Oh, hi. - Hello.
I'm D... I'm Dr. Hampton.
And I couldn't help but notice..
...you're mighty pretty.
- Mighty pretty? - Very, very mighty pretty.
Would you, um, like to have lunch with me?
Okay.
Sorry, perhaps you didn't hear the question.
I said, "Would you like to have lunch with me?"
I'd love to.
Why?
I'm hungry.
Is there a nice place nearby where we could eat now?
Oh, my golly, yes.
And I'll just whisk us there
in my brand-new Jaguar.
Hell, your brand-new Jaguar.
- Let's go. - Okay.
Thank you, God.
[scatting]
These problems are boring.
Oh, no! Come on, man. You just gotta spice 'em up a little.
Alright, let's say Spider Man is on train A
with a nuclear bomb going 50 miles per hour east.
Alright, Train B is going 50 miles per hour west
with a gang of space aliens that just wanna take over the world.
Why the aliens on the train.
'Cause they can't afford the air fare, man.
Come on, do the problem, man.
Okay, let me think.
They're ten miles apart.
So, it'll take six minutes
before Spidey blows up the aliens.
Hey, that was good!
Word, come on let's do another one, man.
No, I think that's enough tutoring for today.
Here you go, Bam. Thanks.
If I took your $10
and ran out of here five miles an hour--
You'd be leaving at a 100 miles per hour
wearing a Reebok express.
Ms. Aimes, uh, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure. What about?
Well, there is this girl Trisha. I really like her.
Wow. Does she like you too?
I think so, but she not like the other girls I known.
- She different. - What's different about her?
Does she have a arm growing out of her head?
Trevor, go wash up for dinner.
She from this rich family.
She go to this bougie prep school.
Anyway, she invited me to this formal dinner dance party.
Well, I'm not going, man.
- I mean, I want to but I can't. - Why?
'Cause I'm afraid I'm gonna look like a punk.
I don't know how they act all up in there.
Look, just be yourself, Bam.
If she's worth it, she'll like you just the way you are.
Yeah, you right, Ms. Aimes, I'm just gonna..
...kick back and go up in that Ardmore Country Club
and just be myself.
Ardmore Country Club?
Founded by two former presidents
and you're just gonna kick back.
Yep, I'm just gonna hang in there
and chill in the cut, you know?
Ah! Maybe I could help you out a little.
- Hm. - Thanks.
Yeah, a dinner dance, man.
The only dinner dance, I've ever been to was when I was eight.
It was at Christmas in Santa Claus land.
Saint Nick got drunk.
He gonna try to break dance threw up all over enough, man.
That elf kicked the snot out of Santa
with 'em little pointed shoes, I'm tellin' you.
[Rachel laughs]
[scatting]
"Five letter word for stomach starts with "T"."
Tummy.
"Six letter word means injury
and starts with a "B"."
Boo-boo.
I love "Jack And Jill Magazine."
Makes me feel really smart.
"Five letter word with two "Z"s.
A caterpillar is what?"
Fuzzy.
[laughs]
Show off.
Okay, Emma. Ready to take you home.
Hey, lover boy.
I just had the greatest lunch of my life.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, I remember the greatest lunch of my life.
It was a grilled cheese sandwich..
Okay, no wait, it was a Monte Cristo sandwich..
No, no, no. Okay, wait. It was an omelet.
Urgh! Let me start again, okay.
I remember the greatest breakfast of my life.
No one cares.
I just dined with a goddess
and every man in the room envied me.
Are you gonna see her again?
I think so, we're engaged.
What?
I asked her to marry me and she said, "Yes."
Obviously, she didn't understand the question.
No, no. She understood.
I still don't know how it happened.
One minute she is saying she is Canadian
the next minute I'm offering to marry her
to help her stay in the country.
God bless America's restricted immigration policy.
- Isn't that illegal? - No.
Not if you lived together for two years.
Bruce, you can't rush into something like this.
We're not rushing into it.
Can we have the wedding at your house, this Saturday?
You can't marry this girl.
- Watch me. - I think it's romantic.
You know like, when your boyfriend shaves
your initials into his dog's back. Ah!
I think it's the stupidest idea you've ever had.
Hm-hm!
Remember when he wanted to invest in that company
that made cheese from mother's milk?
(all) Oh, yeah.
You don't know anything about her.
Alright, it's a good point.
I will take care of that right now.
[dialing]
Hello, honey. It's your fiance.
Listen, let me ask you a few questions.
What's your favorite color?
Really? Okay.
And what's-what's your favorite food?
Oh! And how about, uh, what about hobbies?
Terrific. Thank you.
[stammers] One-one more question.
What's your name?
[scatting]
It's nothing like busting my butt putting on a wedding
for two people who aren't in love.
So, in honor of the sacred occasion
I went way out with the hors d'oeuvres.
Pigs in a blanket and fish.
Hm! What kind of fish?
Sticks.
You could've defrosted them.
- What's Bam doing here? - Oh, I invited him.
I thought it'd be a good time for him to work
on his social skills.
[scoff] Bam, you were supposed to dress for this.
Well, I am dressed.
Oh, you meant formal? My bad!
There you go.
Okay, we'll just have to work on that.
Would you like an hors d'oeuvre?
I like the pigs, not the blanket.
Land ho!
I'm sorry, ma'am, not that kind of hoe.
You know, Bam. We might be needing a few more lessons.
But we'll get there.
We're ready to begin.
[instrumental music]
Bruce, you still have time to call off this travesty.
I'm not talking to you.
Why, because I'm telling the truth?
No, because I checked the gift table
and you didn't bring a thing.
I got you something. It's a big old sucker.
I didn't get one for Leslie. She already has you.
Dearly beloved--
Can we hurry this up, please?
Oh? Ahem. Okay.
- You take him? - I do.
- You take her? - Oh, yeah.
You're hitched.
I'm double parked. Can you make the check out to cash?
Aren't you supposed to announce them husband and wife?
There's always one sentimental yutz. Okay.
By the authority granted me by the State of Pennsylvania
I now pronounce you--
- Wait. - What?
Don't you have to ask if anyone objects to this marriage?
- No. - Okay, go ahead.
- I now pronounce you-- - Wait.
- What? - Nothing.
I just didn't wanna be left out.
Whatever. I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Where's my check?
Aw! I think I'm gonna cry.
No. I guess not.
Well, I'd like to make a toast.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Darby, those were very nice. - Thank you.
I don't know what it means
but it's by some old Italian Poet.
Mussolini.
- So, that's it. We're married? - Uh-hm. Sorry.
You're probably expecting something more formal.
No, bye.
Oh, wait.
Am I, uh, am I missing something?
I have to get to a modeling job in Miami.
I didn't tell you before because
I didn't wanna spoil the wedding.
I told you so.
Look.
Leslie, this is our special night, I mean..
If you cared about me even a little
you wouldn't leave here like this.
- Well-- - Please.
Alright. Let's go home.
I told you so.
[scatting]
Okay, Bam. Let's see how you look.
I feel stupid in this thing, man.
I feel like I should be sitting at Captain Stubing's table
on "The Love Boat."
Bam, you look great.
Check yourself out in the mirror.
Well, I do look kinda good.
[laughs]
Okay, good. Now, stand up. Be proud.
This is just a rehearsal and I'll guide you through it.
[knock on door]
Ooh! I wonder who that could be.
Maybe it's your date.
Good evening, darling.
Have look at you in your fly gear, girl.
Kinda got it going on in a three foot two way.
- You know what I mean? - Bam!
Uh, good evening, Emma.
Uh, Bam, it's proper to offer the lady your arm
and then escort her to your table.
Right.
Okay, good, now, once you've seated
your companion and yourself the one thing you must never do
is immediately reach for the food.
- Got it. - Good. Now!
The first thing you must do is take the napkin
and place it on your lap.
Can I have another napkin?
Okay, the main course is over and they bring you dessert.
Now, which fork do you use?
Huh, trick question.
Ain't gonna be no more forks left.
So, they gonna bring me a new one.
At that point, I could either use a European technique
tines down.
Or the American traditional technique, tines up.
[applause]
So, how was your dessert?
Lovely, darling. And yours?
Divine.
Now, if you'll excuse me
I have to go make.
Thanks, Ms. Aimes. I know I'mma impress Trisha on our date now.
Well, there's nothing that a woman appreciates more
than grace and elegance from the man in her life.
- Hey, Bam. - Hey!
Still working on your manners, huh?
Hm!
[mumbles] You should've seen us at the park today.
I had the greatest catch.
Come on, dad. The game is on.
Hm. Nice tux. Carry on.
[scatting]
Who is the happiest man, you know?
- You? - Righty-o.
I have the most beautiful, perfect wife.
Where's a high school reunion when you need one?
Bruce, looks aren't everything.
When they wear off, what will Leslie offer you?
I don't know. Perhaps, lunch?
This is bouillabaisse. She made it from scratch.
Huh, what else do we have in here?
[laughing]
"If this is too cute, pull string."
[laughing]
This is so cute.
Cute? It's twisted.
Oh, come on, she is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
You know, it started off as infatuation.
But she is more than just beautiful
she's-she's funny, she's smart--
- She's smart? - Yeah.
We watch "Jeopardy" together every night.
- Lome? - What?
What's the capital of Togo. Lome.
She got that one last night.
World capitals for 300 Alex.
[laughing] No. I mean.
Dare I go there? Yes. Dare I go.
I'm in love. I'm so in love.
I'm Loopy.
Tweet.
[laughing] I've never seen him like this.
I'm so happy for him.
I wanna be happy for him but I'm just not.
I am so jealous. I can't stand it.
This perfect person just falls into his lap.
I mean, why can't that happen to me?
- Am I pathetic? - Do you want me to be honest?
- No. - Then, no. You're not pathetic.
Sure, right.
No, really. I mean it. You're not pathetic.
- Really? - Do you want me to be honest?
- No. - No! You're not pathetic.
[scatting]
No, wait. Go back. Go back. Go back.
That was sports. Go forward, go forward.
No, no, you went.. Oh, okay, okay.
Ron, it was just a sneaker commercial.
Hey, it was a ball and a guy flying through the air.
That's sports.
Ooh, live time movie with Meredith Baxter.
[doorbell rings]
Hey, Bam.
Hey, I just stopped by to say thanks again
for everything, Ms. Aimes.
- So, how did it go? - It was great.
I mean, I got everything right. I was even funny.
Or as they call it "witty."
[laughing]
Terrific. So, you really impressed her?
No, she hated it.
Turns out the only reason she wanted a date me
is 'cause she thought I was a bad boy.
Oh, that's a shame.
No. I told her I said, "I don't care what you think."
So, forget, you. Said I don't need this.
Good for you. There'll be plenty others.
Uh-uh, 'cause as soon as I said that
she became real interested again.
Yeah, that's her now. Hm.
Fine. Guess you gotta go.
Oh, no. See, a bad boy gotta keep her waiting.
So, what we watching?
It's a live time movie with Meredith Baxter.
Meredith Baxter?
Hey, is this the one where she can't stop drinking
or the one where somebody steals her baby?
[scatting]
Hey, how is the happiest guy in the world?
Happy. Still happy Toes still tappin'.
Ron, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure.
Uh, you and Rachel ever have any problems?
Um, just like little stuff that annoyed you.
Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Hair in the sink, toilet seat left down
cap off the tooth paste..
Yeah, well, Leslie and I are having
little problem in the bedroom.
During sex, I'm the only one there.
- Emotionally? - No, physically.
The closest I've come to having sex with her
was last night when I parked in her parking spot.
I'm stunned. I-I thought you two are so happy.
What about the bouillabaisse she made you?
I made it myself.
Can of tomato paste and three week old moo shu pork
pureed in a blender carton and all.
Little chunky, but good.
She not smart.
She thought Togo was Dorothy's dog in "The Wizard of Oz."
You knew when you went into this
that this was a marriage of convenience.
She got her green card. You got a trophy wife.
Big surprise! Your marriage is a sham.
Doesn't mean you can't make it work.
A sham is something to build from.
Plenty of married couples don't sleep together.
Yeah, if one of them's in a coma.
She doesn't love you.
And if you think she's gonna learn to love you
you're in denial.
I am not.
What do you think of the name Chad for our first born?
- Yes. - Can I come in?
Yes, yes. Please Francine, come in.
Bruce, uh, I came to talk to you.
I've been very bitter and jealous and I'm sorry.
I'm glad that I was wrong about you and Leslie.
Well, thanks Francine but I need to tell you something too.
I lied when I said how happy Leslie and I were.
She doesn't cook for me, she doesn't dote on me.
[scoffs] Hell, she won't even sleep with me.
I don't know what to do. I'm pitiful.
Why? Because you want someone to care about you?
Because you've self-respect and pride?
These are good things to find out about yourself.
Yeah, Bruce. You have a heart.
Granted, it doesn't have enough power to run a night light but..
...it does have enough to let you know what you need to do.
Yeah, I guess you're right, I..
...I'll just go home and tell her the marriage is over.
Thanks, guys.
[Francine sighs]
It was really nice of you, Francine.
Yeah, yeah, I just have one thing
to say about this whole thing.
Whoopee! I was right.
This is a victory for me.
I am intelligent. I was right.
I am woman. Hear me roar.
(male #1) 'Hey, Cinderella, take your top off.'
I don't have to, buddy. I have a brain.
(male #1) 'Alright, sweet heart. Take your top off and recite poetry.'
[scatting]
[scatting]
Your spit sink is fine.
I'll be back to fix the other one, tomorrow.
Thanks.
Wow! What a babe!
Yeah, that woman was my wife.
Believe it or not, I just dumped her.
Yeah, right.
No. I'm serious. She was mine.
Hm-hm. Wait a minute.
Didn't I see you in "People's Magazine?"
- You were stalking Madonna. - No, no, no, no.
I was married to that woman. I can-I can prove it.
I've pictures of us together.
Where are they?
I must've left them at the house.
Come home with me.
Don't let the baby face fool ya. I don't swing that way.
[chuckling] No, no, really. Come on.
- Get away from me. - What? Wait a minute.
Y-y-your address is on the invoice.
I-I can mail you copies of the pictures!
[thudding]
[scatting]
- Welcome. - Thank you very much.
Please make yourself comfortable.
[speaking in foreign language]
Since this is our first session let me get started by asking
what brings you here.
[speaking in foreign language]
[shouting in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
Thank you very much.
Why are you leaving?
This was just what we needed. Good bye.
[speaking in foreign language]
My mother says, "You're a very good listener."
[speaking in foreign language]
She also says, "There is no way we're paying for this."
[scatting]
You just sit here and wait for your father, you little lunatic.
- You can't call a kid that. - He bit me.
That doesn't make him a lunatic.
You're an orthodontist. You put you hand in kids' mouth.
You should expect to get your finger bitten once in a while.
He bit me on the leg.
[instrumental music]
- 'Wow.' - 'She is stunning.'
I hate her.
Well, I don't hate her. I just hate what she represents.
I mean, women like that make women like me feel..
(both) Plain.
[grunts]
I was gonna say insecure. She is a freak.
One percent of the women in the world look like her
and the other 99 percent look..
(both) Like you.
[grunts]
Excuse me. I'm looking for Dr. Bronson.
Yikes!
I said, "I'm looking for Dr. Bronson."
Yeah, and I said, "Yikes."
Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?
Yes, it's a curse sometimes.
When?
Well, probably like now
'cause you're looking for Dr. Bronson
and I'm just staring at you.
[chuckling]
Exactly.
I could see how that would be irritating.
Oh! Look him up, right.
She is the woman of my dreams.
Hell, woman of my dreams wishes she look that good.
Why don't you go over there and say something to her?
Oh, come on.
Women like that wouldn't give me the time of day.
I don't need that kind of rejection.
Oh, come on, you're successful
smart, good looking.
Why wouldn't she be interested in you?
'Cause she could probably have anyone she wanted.
If you could have anyone you wanted, would you pick me?
No!
You couldn't think about it for just a minute?
I think you have a very good chance with her.
- Really? - Sure.
You could be skipping through the forest
and meet a fairy who grants you three wishes
and after you wished, you were taller and smarter
you could wish for her.
- She's right. I'm a loser. - No, you're not a loser.
You're a chicken.
Oh, great. Now you gonna try and goad me into doing it?
Come on, what do you got to lose?
What's one more rejection?
It's like the hunch back in Notredame
worried about a pimple.
You know you're right.
Okay, I'll do it.
[inhales deeply]
Bronson, I found it.
Okay, Dr. Bronson is located
on the fourth-floor suite 412.
Thank you.
- Oh, hi. - Hello.
I'm D... I'm Dr. Hampton.
And I couldn't help but notice..
...you're mighty pretty.
- Mighty pretty? - Very, very mighty pretty.
Would you, um, like to have lunch with me?
Okay.
Sorry, perhaps you didn't hear the question.
I said, "Would you like to have lunch with me?"
I'd love to.
Why?
I'm hungry.
Is there a nice place nearby where we could eat now?
Oh, my golly, yes.
And I'll just whisk us there
in my brand-new Jaguar.
Hell, your brand-new Jaguar.
- Let's go. - Okay.
Thank you, God.
[scatting]
These problems are boring.
Oh, no! Come on, man. You just gotta spice 'em up a little.
Alright, let's say Spider Man is on train A
with a nuclear bomb going 50 miles per hour east.
Alright, Train B is going 50 miles per hour west
with a gang of space aliens that just wanna take over the world.
Why the aliens on the train.
'Cause they can't afford the air fare, man.
Come on, do the problem, man.
Okay, let me think.
They're ten miles apart.
So, it'll take six minutes
before Spidey blows up the aliens.
Hey, that was good!
Word, come on let's do another one, man.
No, I think that's enough tutoring for today.
Here you go, Bam. Thanks.
If I took your $10
and ran out of here five miles an hour--
You'd be leaving at a 100 miles per hour
wearing a Reebok express.
Ms. Aimes, uh, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure. What about?
Well, there is this girl Trisha. I really like her.
Wow. Does she like you too?
I think so, but she not like the other girls I known.
- She different. - What's different about her?
Does she have a arm growing out of her head?
Trevor, go wash up for dinner.
She from this rich family.
She go to this bougie prep school.
Anyway, she invited me to this formal dinner dance party.
Well, I'm not going, man.
- I mean, I want to but I can't. - Why?
'Cause I'm afraid I'm gonna look like a punk.
I don't know how they act all up in there.
Look, just be yourself, Bam.
If she's worth it, she'll like you just the way you are.
Yeah, you right, Ms. Aimes, I'm just gonna..
...kick back and go up in that Ardmore Country Club
and just be myself.
Ardmore Country Club?
Founded by two former presidents
and you're just gonna kick back.
Yep, I'm just gonna hang in there
and chill in the cut, you know?
Ah! Maybe I could help you out a little.
- Hm. - Thanks.
Yeah, a dinner dance, man.
The only dinner dance, I've ever been to was when I was eight.
It was at Christmas in Santa Claus land.
Saint Nick got drunk.
He gonna try to break dance threw up all over enough, man.
That elf kicked the snot out of Santa
with 'em little pointed shoes, I'm tellin' you.
[Rachel laughs]
[scatting]
"Five letter word for stomach starts with "T"."
Tummy.
"Six letter word means injury
and starts with a "B"."
Boo-boo.
I love "Jack And Jill Magazine."
Makes me feel really smart.
"Five letter word with two "Z"s.
A caterpillar is what?"
Fuzzy.
[laughs]
Show off.
Okay, Emma. Ready to take you home.
Hey, lover boy.
I just had the greatest lunch of my life.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, I remember the greatest lunch of my life.
It was a grilled cheese sandwich..
Okay, no wait, it was a Monte Cristo sandwich..
No, no, no. Okay, wait. It was an omelet.
Urgh! Let me start again, okay.
I remember the greatest breakfast of my life.
No one cares.
I just dined with a goddess
and every man in the room envied me.
Are you gonna see her again?
I think so, we're engaged.
What?
I asked her to marry me and she said, "Yes."
Obviously, she didn't understand the question.
No, no. She understood.
I still don't know how it happened.
One minute she is saying she is Canadian
the next minute I'm offering to marry her
to help her stay in the country.
God bless America's restricted immigration policy.
- Isn't that illegal? - No.
Not if you lived together for two years.
Bruce, you can't rush into something like this.
We're not rushing into it.
Can we have the wedding at your house, this Saturday?
You can't marry this girl.
- Watch me. - I think it's romantic.
You know like, when your boyfriend shaves
your initials into his dog's back. Ah!
I think it's the stupidest idea you've ever had.
Hm-hm!
Remember when he wanted to invest in that company
that made cheese from mother's milk?
(all) Oh, yeah.
You don't know anything about her.
Alright, it's a good point.
I will take care of that right now.
[dialing]
Hello, honey. It's your fiance.
Listen, let me ask you a few questions.
What's your favorite color?
Really? Okay.
And what's-what's your favorite food?
Oh! And how about, uh, what about hobbies?
Terrific. Thank you.
[stammers] One-one more question.
What's your name?
[scatting]
It's nothing like busting my butt putting on a wedding
for two people who aren't in love.
So, in honor of the sacred occasion
I went way out with the hors d'oeuvres.
Pigs in a blanket and fish.
Hm! What kind of fish?
Sticks.
You could've defrosted them.
- What's Bam doing here? - Oh, I invited him.
I thought it'd be a good time for him to work
on his social skills.
[scoff] Bam, you were supposed to dress for this.
Well, I am dressed.
Oh, you meant formal? My bad!
There you go.
Okay, we'll just have to work on that.
Would you like an hors d'oeuvre?
I like the pigs, not the blanket.
Land ho!
I'm sorry, ma'am, not that kind of hoe.
You know, Bam. We might be needing a few more lessons.
But we'll get there.
We're ready to begin.
[instrumental music]
Bruce, you still have time to call off this travesty.
I'm not talking to you.
Why, because I'm telling the truth?
No, because I checked the gift table
and you didn't bring a thing.
I got you something. It's a big old sucker.
I didn't get one for Leslie. She already has you.
Dearly beloved--
Can we hurry this up, please?
Oh? Ahem. Okay.
- You take him? - I do.
- You take her? - Oh, yeah.
You're hitched.
I'm double parked. Can you make the check out to cash?
Aren't you supposed to announce them husband and wife?
There's always one sentimental yutz. Okay.
By the authority granted me by the State of Pennsylvania
I now pronounce you--
- Wait. - What?
Don't you have to ask if anyone objects to this marriage?
- No. - Okay, go ahead.
- I now pronounce you-- - Wait.
- What? - Nothing.
I just didn't wanna be left out.
Whatever. I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Where's my check?
Aw! I think I'm gonna cry.
No. I guess not.
Well, I'd like to make a toast.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Darby, those were very nice. - Thank you.
I don't know what it means
but it's by some old Italian Poet.
Mussolini.
- So, that's it. We're married? - Uh-hm. Sorry.
You're probably expecting something more formal.
No, bye.
Oh, wait.
Am I, uh, am I missing something?
I have to get to a modeling job in Miami.
I didn't tell you before because
I didn't wanna spoil the wedding.
I told you so.
Look.
Leslie, this is our special night, I mean..
If you cared about me even a little
you wouldn't leave here like this.
- Well-- - Please.
Alright. Let's go home.
I told you so.
[scatting]
Okay, Bam. Let's see how you look.
I feel stupid in this thing, man.
I feel like I should be sitting at Captain Stubing's table
on "The Love Boat."
Bam, you look great.
Check yourself out in the mirror.
Well, I do look kinda good.
[laughs]
Okay, good. Now, stand up. Be proud.
This is just a rehearsal and I'll guide you through it.
[knock on door]
Ooh! I wonder who that could be.
Maybe it's your date.
Good evening, darling.
Have look at you in your fly gear, girl.
Kinda got it going on in a three foot two way.
- You know what I mean? - Bam!
Uh, good evening, Emma.
Uh, Bam, it's proper to offer the lady your arm
and then escort her to your table.
Right.
Okay, good, now, once you've seated
your companion and yourself the one thing you must never do
is immediately reach for the food.
- Got it. - Good. Now!
The first thing you must do is take the napkin
and place it on your lap.
Can I have another napkin?
Okay, the main course is over and they bring you dessert.
Now, which fork do you use?
Huh, trick question.
Ain't gonna be no more forks left.
So, they gonna bring me a new one.
At that point, I could either use a European technique
tines down.
Or the American traditional technique, tines up.
[applause]
So, how was your dessert?
Lovely, darling. And yours?
Divine.
Now, if you'll excuse me
I have to go make.
Thanks, Ms. Aimes. I know I'mma impress Trisha on our date now.
Well, there's nothing that a woman appreciates more
than grace and elegance from the man in her life.
- Hey, Bam. - Hey!
Still working on your manners, huh?
Hm!
[mumbles] You should've seen us at the park today.
I had the greatest catch.
Come on, dad. The game is on.
Hm. Nice tux. Carry on.
[scatting]
Who is the happiest man, you know?
- You? - Righty-o.
I have the most beautiful, perfect wife.
Where's a high school reunion when you need one?
Bruce, looks aren't everything.
When they wear off, what will Leslie offer you?
I don't know. Perhaps, lunch?
This is bouillabaisse. She made it from scratch.
Huh, what else do we have in here?
[laughing]
"If this is too cute, pull string."
[laughing]
This is so cute.
Cute? It's twisted.
Oh, come on, she is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
You know, it started off as infatuation.
But she is more than just beautiful
she's-she's funny, she's smart--
- She's smart? - Yeah.
We watch "Jeopardy" together every night.
- Lome? - What?
What's the capital of Togo. Lome.
She got that one last night.
World capitals for 300 Alex.
[laughing] No. I mean.
Dare I go there? Yes. Dare I go.
I'm in love. I'm so in love.
I'm Loopy.
Tweet.
[laughing] I've never seen him like this.
I'm so happy for him.
I wanna be happy for him but I'm just not.
I am so jealous. I can't stand it.
This perfect person just falls into his lap.
I mean, why can't that happen to me?
- Am I pathetic? - Do you want me to be honest?
- No. - Then, no. You're not pathetic.
Sure, right.
No, really. I mean it. You're not pathetic.
- Really? - Do you want me to be honest?
- No. - No! You're not pathetic.
[scatting]
No, wait. Go back. Go back. Go back.
That was sports. Go forward, go forward.
No, no, you went.. Oh, okay, okay.
Ron, it was just a sneaker commercial.
Hey, it was a ball and a guy flying through the air.
That's sports.
Ooh, live time movie with Meredith Baxter.
[doorbell rings]
Hey, Bam.
Hey, I just stopped by to say thanks again
for everything, Ms. Aimes.
- So, how did it go? - It was great.
I mean, I got everything right. I was even funny.
Or as they call it "witty."
[laughing]
Terrific. So, you really impressed her?
No, she hated it.
Turns out the only reason she wanted a date me
is 'cause she thought I was a bad boy.
Oh, that's a shame.
No. I told her I said, "I don't care what you think."
So, forget, you. Said I don't need this.
Good for you. There'll be plenty others.
Uh-uh, 'cause as soon as I said that
she became real interested again.
Yeah, that's her now. Hm.
Fine. Guess you gotta go.
Oh, no. See, a bad boy gotta keep her waiting.
So, what we watching?
It's a live time movie with Meredith Baxter.
Meredith Baxter?
Hey, is this the one where she can't stop drinking
or the one where somebody steals her baby?
[scatting]
Hey, how is the happiest guy in the world?
Happy. Still happy Toes still tappin'.
Ron, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure.
Uh, you and Rachel ever have any problems?
Um, just like little stuff that annoyed you.
Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Hair in the sink, toilet seat left down
cap off the tooth paste..
Yeah, well, Leslie and I are having
little problem in the bedroom.
During sex, I'm the only one there.
- Emotionally? - No, physically.
The closest I've come to having sex with her
was last night when I parked in her parking spot.
I'm stunned. I-I thought you two are so happy.
What about the bouillabaisse she made you?
I made it myself.
Can of tomato paste and three week old moo shu pork
pureed in a blender carton and all.
Little chunky, but good.
She not smart.
She thought Togo was Dorothy's dog in "The Wizard of Oz."
You knew when you went into this
that this was a marriage of convenience.
She got her green card. You got a trophy wife.
Big surprise! Your marriage is a sham.
Doesn't mean you can't make it work.
A sham is something to build from.
Plenty of married couples don't sleep together.
Yeah, if one of them's in a coma.
She doesn't love you.
And if you think she's gonna learn to love you
you're in denial.
I am not.
What do you think of the name Chad for our first born?
- Yes. - Can I come in?
Yes, yes. Please Francine, come in.
Bruce, uh, I came to talk to you.
I've been very bitter and jealous and I'm sorry.
I'm glad that I was wrong about you and Leslie.
Well, thanks Francine but I need to tell you something too.
I lied when I said how happy Leslie and I were.
She doesn't cook for me, she doesn't dote on me.
[scoffs] Hell, she won't even sleep with me.
I don't know what to do. I'm pitiful.
Why? Because you want someone to care about you?
Because you've self-respect and pride?
These are good things to find out about yourself.
Yeah, Bruce. You have a heart.
Granted, it doesn't have enough power to run a night light but..
...it does have enough to let you know what you need to do.
Yeah, I guess you're right, I..
...I'll just go home and tell her the marriage is over.
Thanks, guys.
[Francine sighs]
It was really nice of you, Francine.
Yeah, yeah, I just have one thing
to say about this whole thing.
Whoopee! I was right.
This is a victory for me.
I am intelligent. I was right.
I am woman. Hear me roar.
(male #1) 'Hey, Cinderella, take your top off.'
I don't have to, buddy. I have a brain.
(male #1) 'Alright, sweet heart. Take your top off and recite poetry.'
[scatting]
[scatting]
Your spit sink is fine.
I'll be back to fix the other one, tomorrow.
Thanks.
Wow! What a babe!
Yeah, that woman was my wife.
Believe it or not, I just dumped her.
Yeah, right.
No. I'm serious. She was mine.
Hm-hm. Wait a minute.
Didn't I see you in "People's Magazine?"
- You were stalking Madonna. - No, no, no, no.
I was married to that woman. I can-I can prove it.
I've pictures of us together.
Where are they?
I must've left them at the house.
Come home with me.
Don't let the baby face fool ya. I don't swing that way.
[chuckling] No, no, really. Come on.
- Get away from me. - What? Wait a minute.
Y-y-your address is on the invoice.
I-I can mail you copies of the pictures!
[thudding]
[scatting]