Minor Adjustments (1995–1996): Season 0, Episode 0 - Witness - full transcript
Woah! I love this view, Dr. Aimes.
Yeah, but you can't see the park from here
with the construction crew in the way.
Oh, that construction crew is the view.
Hi, baby! How you doing, brown sugar? Oh!
You better work that heavy machinery.
Monique.
Your mother says your obsession with boys
is getting out of hand and is starting to affect your score.
Oh, she's tripping.
I mean, I like boys, but I never let it get out of hand.
Okay, let's try something.
I'm going to show you some ink blocks
and you tell me what you see.
Okay.
Mark.
Dinzeil.
- Woah! Can I take these home? - No!
Let me ask you something.
Are there any after school activities you're involved in?
Basketball, tennis, track.
Wow! You're involved in a lot of sports.
Yeah, I'd watch the other sports
but they don't wear shorts so, I say, why even bother.
Okay. Well, our time is up.
But I do have a homework assignment for you next week.
Okay.
When you meet a guy, I want you to wait before you approach him.
Even if he has no girlfriend with him?
Yes.
Monique I want you to become
more aware of the world around you.
Choose five things in the world.
Form an opinion on each of them..
...then walk over to him.
That's not a problem.
[door opens]
Woof!
Hi, my name is Monique.
And if liking you was wrong, I don't want to be right.
Monique.
Remember about your homework assignment?
I noticed five things.
The ball, the table, the chair, that fish.
Even the little boy with the big head.
And you formed an impression about each of these?
Yeah, I said all of this is separating me
from my brown heaven.
Oh, come on, Ronnie.
Don't be mad at yourself. We made progress.
You see that guy over there?
I'm not talking to him. Do you want to know why?
I'm cutting down.
See ya.
[scatting]
I should have been doing my own taxes all along.
I'm finally getting some money back.
- Really? How much? - Two hundred thousand dollars.
[paper rustling]
You're getting a farm subsidy?
Yeah. The government is paying me not to grow corn.
Darby, you live in a studio apartment above the video store.
Without corn.
Well..
Except for that kind of creamed corn in the cabinet.
Well, you can go to jail if they catch you.
You're right. I better eat that tonight.
Darby, what's this? You don't have livestock.
Miss Poo poo just had kittens.
I have 12 head of cat.
- I got mugged. - What?
- Are you okay? - 'I'm fine.'
What happened?
Some guy with a knife jumped me in the parking lot.
What did you do?
Well, I used a time-honored self defense technique
that my dad taught me.
I dropped to my knees and begged for my life.
You're lucky you didn't get hurt. What did he get?
Well, he got my wallet and my car keys.
Oh, he stole your jank.
Nah, I wish he had.
I've ton of insurance
and I've been dying to get the new Mercedes.
My luck, I get the only robber in town
that reads consumer reports.
Did you get a good look at him?
Oh, yeah.
He was, uh, tall, mean-looking, dark deranged eyes, uh
leather jacket and a cap.
Sounds dreamy. Did you get his number?
Darby your uncle just mugged and all you can think about
is dating the guy?
You're right. Dating a criminal is a bad idea.
Every time he came to pick me up at the office
I'll be over-snagging of energy.
And then, what if he actually went to jail?
Then we would have to make out through the bars.
Been there.
Alright. It's set up. Turn your video game off.
This is going to be more fun and exciting.
- Cool! - You like it?
Yeah, I saw it on TV.
It's one of those meat defrosters.
Hey Emma, get the lamb chunks out of the freezer.
No!
This is magnetic, electric football.
- Where's the screen? - There is no screen.
This is the greatest game. I played this game all the time.
- Every kid had one. - Why?
It was before they invented toys.
Trust me.
See, we each pick a side. I'll be offense, you be defense.
When I turn it on, all the players will move
according to the play we set up.
It's going to be great. Are you ready?
- Okay. We're set. - Okay.
[indistinct shouting]
[buzzing]
- That's it? - Hey, don't worry, kids.
We can win next time.
Dad, I'd rather watch meat defrost.
You kids have no imagination.
Yes, we do. I imagine myself at Curtis' house.
I imagine he'll need some company.
I imagine that.. Let's go.
Ron, I was putting away laundry
and I found this girly magazine in Trevor's dresser drawer.
- Really? - Yeah. This is serious.
Yeah, you're right. It is serious.
You've invaded his privacy. You better put it back.
I won't do no such thing.
Ron, our 11-year-old boy is looking at naked women.
Oh, that's the part you think is serious.
[laughter]
You're right. It is disturbing, specially for the mother.
And what is that supposed to mean?
Well, it just means that boys have a long history
of being curious of naked women, right about his age.
Oh, okay and when exactly does this curiosity end?
Death.
Ron, we need to have a talk with Trevor.
Okay, if you think it's important.
We'll talk to him tomorrow after school.
I just refuse to believe that men are so basic
that even when something important is going on
they're thinking about naked women.
- Ron! - Look at the body on that one.
Give me that.
Nice headlights.
Well. Looks like you have the job.
I just have to interview one more guy.
- Hey, what's going on? - I'm hiring a bodyguard.
Meet Big Elf.
Forget Big Elf. Meet, uh..
- What's your name? - Buck.
Buck.
Hi, Buck.
Will you have to feed him or will he hunt down his own prey?
- Do you want me to hurt him? - No.
No, no. But I love the way you think.
Go, guard something.
Isn't he great?
You're handling your fear all wrong.
Thank you, Francine. Will you help me straighten him out?
Sure. Bruce.
You're going to be okay as long as you have a couple of friends.
Meet my buddies. Smith and Wesson.
- Are you crazy? - A gun.
Oh, it's more than just that.
It's piece of mind.
And I might add a better companion than my ex-husband.
Dependable, doesn't demand alimony, and most of all
never shoots blanks.
Francine, you know the stats.
You're nine times most likely
to shoot yourself or someone you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and only I can prevent forest fires.
You're a doctor. What about your Hippocratic oath?
I'm still dedicated to the preservation of life.
Mine.
Darby.
What are you going to do to protect yourself
against an attacker, hmm?
Haven't really thought. Oh, okay. I know.
I guess what I'd do is that I start singing the song
"Ventura Highway" by the group America really loud.
What? Why? How's that going to help?
Watch. You be an attacker.
Okay, okay, um.. Give me your money.
♪ 'Cause the free wind is blowin' through your hair ♪
♪ And the days surround your daylight there ♪
♪ Seasons crying no despair ♪
♪ Alligator lizards in the air in the air ♪
Okay, stop. I-I-I can't.. Just shut up!
Just stop!
♪ Ti-di-di ti-di-di ♪
What do I do to get you to stop?
♪ Ventura Highway in the sunshine ♪
♪ Where the days are longer ♪
♪ The nights are stronger than moonshine ♪
♪ You're gonna go I know.. ♪
[instrumental music]
- Hey, what is that? - Hey. It's a book of mugshots.
Officer Kendall brought up by.
He thinks one of these guys might be the low-life
that mugged me.
Is that the cop over there with Francine?
Yeah, that's him.
Hey, look. This guy looks like Sean Penn.
Hey, it is Sean Penn and it's autographed.
Okay, Dr. Bailey.
Say the suspect has fled into this room
and you're not sure where he is.
- How would you enter? - Okay.
Did I get that right, officer?
Close but not quite right.
Do it again, but this time slowly..
You got pretty hair.
- Ron. Ron, this is the guy. - Are you sure?
Yes, I'll never forget that face but
just to be absolutely sure, here.
Hold this up to your face. Stand up.
Please, please. Don't kill me. Yeah, that's him.
This is great. Uh, Officer Kendall.
- So, did you find the guy? - I think so.
Excellent! We really appreciate your cooperation.
You're the only victim who's had the guts to ID the guy.
Hey, I'm just doing my.. What do you mean guts?
Well, you know how it is these days.
Everyone is afraid to get involved.
As if the scum is going to get out one day
track you down and exact a painful revenge.
- What a bunch of wusses, huh? - Wusses, yeah.
So, which one is it?
Ah..
You said it was this one, right?
Yeah, well, no, I-I-I said it might be that guy
but looking at it again his hair was..
...a lot hairier.
And his head was..
...far less head-like.
Bruce.
I didn't frighten you up with that revenge stuff, did I?
No, please. I'm a solid citizen.
I just don't want to be responsible for..
...sending an innocent man to jail.
Thank you, officer.
- Are you sure? - Mm-hmm.
Alright. Goodbye, Dr. Hampton, Dr. Aimes.
Franny, see you at 1700.
There is a million stories in the naked city.
And we could be one of them.
I'm disappointed in you.
Okay, so he's not great looking
but he has beautiful eyes and I'm getting free bullets.
Not you.
Excuse me.
I know you're lying.
Leave me alone.
I don't want to talk about it.
[instrumental music]
So Trevor should be home soon. Ready to have our talk with him?
I guess.
Rachel, he's just a curious 11-year-old.
When I was his age
my friends and I would hang out at the department store
and we would sneak peek under the female mannequins clothes.
- You did that in public? - We were discreet.
And if somebody came by, we quickly pretend
like we are part of the display.
Hey, mom. Hey, dad.
Hey. Uh, Trevor we need to have a little talk.
It was Emma's idea
to put the Jell-o on your electric football game.
No, Trevor, we want to talk to you about something we found.
Trevor, what are you doing with this magazine?
I had to do a paper for school.
There was a great article in disical lesbian there.
Do you expect us to believe that?
Well, you can look at my paper if you like.
"Disical Lesbian, The Man and his Trumpet."
And you get an A?
Way to go, son. How about that?
A guy who actually reads that magazine for the articles.
Hey. Look for my A up on the fridge.
Ah, hold up there, Trevor.
Now I find it kind of hard to believe
that you didn't look at the pictures.
Oh. I...kind of noticed them too.
Now, honey, we are not mad
but we just don't think that you're old enough
to look at naked pictures.
But when we study Ancient Greek art
we look at naked bodies all the time.
Well, sure it's okay when you're studying them.
Well, I study these pretty good.
Um, sweetie, what we're trying to say is
that we're just not comfortable
with you looking at women in such...detail.
Not that there's anything wrong with the human body.
It's a very beautiful thing but
these pictures are a little bit more..
...sexual than artistic.
So, sex is what's bad?
Well, no Trev, we don't want you to think that sex is bad either.
- But you just said it was. - It isn't.
And it's natural to be curious about it.
Yeah, it's just that the pictures in those magazines
might be a little confusing without an adult there
to explain them to you.
Do you understand? Please say, yes.
Sure. I understand.
Next time I want to look at naked ladies in a magazine
I should get one of you to go over with me.
Darby you should talk to Bruce.
He can't just keep burying his head in the sand.
Oh, well, yeah, 'cause he'll get sand up his hair.
Do you know what else he cannot keep doing?
He can't keep hiding and pretending
like the problem isn't there.
Darby that's what I meant by
he can't just keep burying his head in the sand.
It was a metaphor.
Oh, good, 'cause I thought you were losing your mind.
Morning.
Darby, how about some bed coffee?
Uh, Uncle Bruce, did you sleep here?
I had to be here in case of an Orthodontic emergency.
What did you think?
Someone was going to call you at 3:00 a.m.
with a bad case of crooked teeth?
Okay. I'll be honest with you.
I've been doing a little investigating.
Call me crazy but I think when we go home at night..
...the fish steal from us.
- Bruce you're crazy. - Okay. Then I'm crazy.
I was about to leave last night, I thought about the mugger
and I just froze.
You could walk tall if you have a gun.
Francine, that's not right.
What happened to your bodyguard?
Oh. I had to fire him for shooting his mouth off.
- Metaphor? - No.
He was playing with his gun and actually shot his mouth off.
Bruce, you're going to have to come forward
and identify the mugger.
I understand you didn't want to do it before
because you were afraid, but look at you now.
You're a basket case.
I'll be alright.
If not for you, then for us. It's your civic duty.
Oh, civic duty. Please.
Ron, if you were in my position
would you step forward and risk the consequences--
- Yes. - Huh.
That's just you, Mr. Sliding Scale for Kids Who Can't Pay.
What about you guys?
Would you guys just step forward and forget about what--
- Yes. - Yeah.
Well, I guess you're both better none than I.
Bruce.
You have the chance to make us all a little safer.
For once in your life think of the bigger picture.
Do the noble thing.
- Go to the cops? - No.
Put some pants on.
So, honey, do you understand
what your father and I are telling you?
Yes, and I agree that it is wrong to make seem like objects.
Good. You can go now.
[sighs]
You know these pictures aren't that bad.
They are nice photos of beautiful women
in pretty natural poses.
Pretty natural poses? Look at these.
Does that look natural to you?
- Sure, people sit like that. - Oh, really?
- Uh-huh. - Let's see you try.
- Me? Okay. - Mm-hmm.
Well, for that one, I'd need a giant clam shell
and starfish pasties.
Okay. How about, uh..
...that one?
Fine. Piece of cake.
[humming]
Ah, honey, can I see that pose, just for a second?
Okay. Yeah.
Great. Thanks.
[chuckles]
No. Ron, you need to arch your back more.
Okay, now turn your head.
Alright. Give me a arm.
There.
I'm sure a lot of women sit like this in their spare time.
[laughter]
No, they don't.
Well, they should, 'cause it's damn comfortable.
[laughter]
Okay, okay.
Then I'll just leave you here to relax.
Okay.
Oh! I get a cramp.
[groaning]
Rachel!
Emma! Trevor!
Help! Help! Oh!
Hey, Ron.
I just want to thank you for pushing me
to do the right thing.
Helping take that criminal off the street made me feel great.
I'm glad to hear.
I even told him off
when I fingered him at the police station.
I looked into those cold, dark eyes
and called him the scum that he is.
Was he able to hear you through that one way glass?
Shut up.
Now wait. Leave it alone, sleazeball.
- Hey, what's going on? - This is becoming an epidemic.
I was getting in my car to leave and this
scuz bucket tried to mug me.
Oh, no.
Ron, I blew it. I fingered the wrong guy.
What are you talking about?
You said you picked him up out of a line off.
Well, I thought it was but I didn't.
How can you be sure?
Well because, this is the right guy.
Oh! Bruce, you said you were sure!
Well, I was until I saw him.
But now I recognize a little scar under his chin.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember you.
The cry baby with the dental floss in his wallet.
Yeah, that's some..
That's a really nice scar you have.
[giggles]
Thank you. It's self-inflicted.
You see this mugging, this is just my day job.
I'm really an actor.
I was going to play Scarface in "Scarface 2."
Unfortunately, Scarface died in the first one.
Guess I should have watched the whole movie.
Darby, call the police to pick up this loser.
Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
I ain't going back to prison.
- Give me that gun. - What are you doing?
I'm betting you won't shoot me.
Stand down. I'm not afraid to use this.
Then why is your hand shaking?
Well, I'm just deciding which organ to hit.
I wouldn't want to ruin anything
that you could donate to science.
- Oh, okay. Give me that. - Oh!
What do you know? It worked. Hey, hands up everybody. Bow!
Help!
Somebody help.
Ron, you were right.
I should never have gotten that gun in the first place.
I endangered the lives of all of us.
I can't believe this. Robbed twice in one week.
I can't imagine a worst string of luck.
Well, I surely can.
Thank god he came back here to change of heart.
And a change of clothes.
Wait a minute. Where's the scar?
Oh, no.
It's the guy I ID'ed in the police lineup.
- Ugh! - Oh, oh.
Now you have a good memory.
Well, I posted bail.
And decided to pay you a little visit.
They let you out on bail? I mean, that's great!
And I'm sure you came here for a well deserved apology.
Oh, yeah, I came for an apology.
But I also came to kick your eye.
[screaming] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It was an honest mistake.
See, I'm already paying for it. I just got mugged again.
Cool! Bonus.
Now guess what's behind door number two?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll just call the police and set the whole thing straight.
Can't we let bygones be bygones?
No. A thousand times no.
I'm sick of this.
Every time something happens, they think I did it.
Just because sometimes I did.
Listen, man, I don't blame you for being angry
but there's got to be a better way to work this out
than resorting to violence.
Now, look, why don't you just untie all of us but him?
I'd do that. But then you'd untie him.
- No, we won't. No, we won't. - No, he's an idiot.
Look, I wish I could believe you folks.
You seem like good people.
But I don't trust you.
See, this is one of the consequences of a life of crime.
No trust.
Well, if you don't untie us, you are going to be really sorry.
Oh, yeah?
What are you going to do, curly head girl?
First of all, don't insult the hair.
[indistinct whispering]
♪ Ventura highway ♪
♪ In the sunshine ♪
♪ Where the days are longer ♪
♪ The nights are stronger than moonshine ♪
I hate that song. I hate that..
♪ I know woah woah woah woah woah woah ♪
You people are evil. Truly evil.
[laughter]
[laughter]
Darby, that was great! It worked. He's gone!
- Woah! - Oh!
[laughter]
Now what?
Help!
Somebody help!
You know I never should have listened to you
in the first place.
Yeah, sure should have, even though you made a mistake
you did the right thing getting involved.
You mean to say if you could do this all over again
you'd tell me to do the same thing?
Absolutely.
If I can get out of this, I'm going to bite you.
- Are you finished? - No.
There. Now I am.
Hey, hey, hey, look.
Maybe if we work together, we can get to my phone.
Oh, Darby.
No, I'm telling you, I've seen it work for movies
like a thousand times.
Okay, on the count of three.
Let's scooch over to Darby's phone. Ready?
One, two, three.
[all grunting]
- Okay. Okay. Okay. - Now what?
Well, I'll just, uh, reach for the, uh, cord with my teeth.
Uh-huh.
- Oh no! - Oh!
- Now what? - Help!
Somebody help.
[scatting]
Yeah, but you can't see the park from here
with the construction crew in the way.
Oh, that construction crew is the view.
Hi, baby! How you doing, brown sugar? Oh!
You better work that heavy machinery.
Monique.
Your mother says your obsession with boys
is getting out of hand and is starting to affect your score.
Oh, she's tripping.
I mean, I like boys, but I never let it get out of hand.
Okay, let's try something.
I'm going to show you some ink blocks
and you tell me what you see.
Okay.
Mark.
Dinzeil.
- Woah! Can I take these home? - No!
Let me ask you something.
Are there any after school activities you're involved in?
Basketball, tennis, track.
Wow! You're involved in a lot of sports.
Yeah, I'd watch the other sports
but they don't wear shorts so, I say, why even bother.
Okay. Well, our time is up.
But I do have a homework assignment for you next week.
Okay.
When you meet a guy, I want you to wait before you approach him.
Even if he has no girlfriend with him?
Yes.
Monique I want you to become
more aware of the world around you.
Choose five things in the world.
Form an opinion on each of them..
...then walk over to him.
That's not a problem.
[door opens]
Woof!
Hi, my name is Monique.
And if liking you was wrong, I don't want to be right.
Monique.
Remember about your homework assignment?
I noticed five things.
The ball, the table, the chair, that fish.
Even the little boy with the big head.
And you formed an impression about each of these?
Yeah, I said all of this is separating me
from my brown heaven.
Oh, come on, Ronnie.
Don't be mad at yourself. We made progress.
You see that guy over there?
I'm not talking to him. Do you want to know why?
I'm cutting down.
See ya.
[scatting]
I should have been doing my own taxes all along.
I'm finally getting some money back.
- Really? How much? - Two hundred thousand dollars.
[paper rustling]
You're getting a farm subsidy?
Yeah. The government is paying me not to grow corn.
Darby, you live in a studio apartment above the video store.
Without corn.
Well..
Except for that kind of creamed corn in the cabinet.
Well, you can go to jail if they catch you.
You're right. I better eat that tonight.
Darby, what's this? You don't have livestock.
Miss Poo poo just had kittens.
I have 12 head of cat.
- I got mugged. - What?
- Are you okay? - 'I'm fine.'
What happened?
Some guy with a knife jumped me in the parking lot.
What did you do?
Well, I used a time-honored self defense technique
that my dad taught me.
I dropped to my knees and begged for my life.
You're lucky you didn't get hurt. What did he get?
Well, he got my wallet and my car keys.
Oh, he stole your jank.
Nah, I wish he had.
I've ton of insurance
and I've been dying to get the new Mercedes.
My luck, I get the only robber in town
that reads consumer reports.
Did you get a good look at him?
Oh, yeah.
He was, uh, tall, mean-looking, dark deranged eyes, uh
leather jacket and a cap.
Sounds dreamy. Did you get his number?
Darby your uncle just mugged and all you can think about
is dating the guy?
You're right. Dating a criminal is a bad idea.
Every time he came to pick me up at the office
I'll be over-snagging of energy.
And then, what if he actually went to jail?
Then we would have to make out through the bars.
Been there.
Alright. It's set up. Turn your video game off.
This is going to be more fun and exciting.
- Cool! - You like it?
Yeah, I saw it on TV.
It's one of those meat defrosters.
Hey Emma, get the lamb chunks out of the freezer.
No!
This is magnetic, electric football.
- Where's the screen? - There is no screen.
This is the greatest game. I played this game all the time.
- Every kid had one. - Why?
It was before they invented toys.
Trust me.
See, we each pick a side. I'll be offense, you be defense.
When I turn it on, all the players will move
according to the play we set up.
It's going to be great. Are you ready?
- Okay. We're set. - Okay.
[indistinct shouting]
[buzzing]
- That's it? - Hey, don't worry, kids.
We can win next time.
Dad, I'd rather watch meat defrost.
You kids have no imagination.
Yes, we do. I imagine myself at Curtis' house.
I imagine he'll need some company.
I imagine that.. Let's go.
Ron, I was putting away laundry
and I found this girly magazine in Trevor's dresser drawer.
- Really? - Yeah. This is serious.
Yeah, you're right. It is serious.
You've invaded his privacy. You better put it back.
I won't do no such thing.
Ron, our 11-year-old boy is looking at naked women.
Oh, that's the part you think is serious.
[laughter]
You're right. It is disturbing, specially for the mother.
And what is that supposed to mean?
Well, it just means that boys have a long history
of being curious of naked women, right about his age.
Oh, okay and when exactly does this curiosity end?
Death.
Ron, we need to have a talk with Trevor.
Okay, if you think it's important.
We'll talk to him tomorrow after school.
I just refuse to believe that men are so basic
that even when something important is going on
they're thinking about naked women.
- Ron! - Look at the body on that one.
Give me that.
Nice headlights.
Well. Looks like you have the job.
I just have to interview one more guy.
- Hey, what's going on? - I'm hiring a bodyguard.
Meet Big Elf.
Forget Big Elf. Meet, uh..
- What's your name? - Buck.
Buck.
Hi, Buck.
Will you have to feed him or will he hunt down his own prey?
- Do you want me to hurt him? - No.
No, no. But I love the way you think.
Go, guard something.
Isn't he great?
You're handling your fear all wrong.
Thank you, Francine. Will you help me straighten him out?
Sure. Bruce.
You're going to be okay as long as you have a couple of friends.
Meet my buddies. Smith and Wesson.
- Are you crazy? - A gun.
Oh, it's more than just that.
It's piece of mind.
And I might add a better companion than my ex-husband.
Dependable, doesn't demand alimony, and most of all
never shoots blanks.
Francine, you know the stats.
You're nine times most likely
to shoot yourself or someone you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and only I can prevent forest fires.
You're a doctor. What about your Hippocratic oath?
I'm still dedicated to the preservation of life.
Mine.
Darby.
What are you going to do to protect yourself
against an attacker, hmm?
Haven't really thought. Oh, okay. I know.
I guess what I'd do is that I start singing the song
"Ventura Highway" by the group America really loud.
What? Why? How's that going to help?
Watch. You be an attacker.
Okay, okay, um.. Give me your money.
♪ 'Cause the free wind is blowin' through your hair ♪
♪ And the days surround your daylight there ♪
♪ Seasons crying no despair ♪
♪ Alligator lizards in the air in the air ♪
Okay, stop. I-I-I can't.. Just shut up!
Just stop!
♪ Ti-di-di ti-di-di ♪
What do I do to get you to stop?
♪ Ventura Highway in the sunshine ♪
♪ Where the days are longer ♪
♪ The nights are stronger than moonshine ♪
♪ You're gonna go I know.. ♪
[instrumental music]
- Hey, what is that? - Hey. It's a book of mugshots.
Officer Kendall brought up by.
He thinks one of these guys might be the low-life
that mugged me.
Is that the cop over there with Francine?
Yeah, that's him.
Hey, look. This guy looks like Sean Penn.
Hey, it is Sean Penn and it's autographed.
Okay, Dr. Bailey.
Say the suspect has fled into this room
and you're not sure where he is.
- How would you enter? - Okay.
Did I get that right, officer?
Close but not quite right.
Do it again, but this time slowly..
You got pretty hair.
- Ron. Ron, this is the guy. - Are you sure?
Yes, I'll never forget that face but
just to be absolutely sure, here.
Hold this up to your face. Stand up.
Please, please. Don't kill me. Yeah, that's him.
This is great. Uh, Officer Kendall.
- So, did you find the guy? - I think so.
Excellent! We really appreciate your cooperation.
You're the only victim who's had the guts to ID the guy.
Hey, I'm just doing my.. What do you mean guts?
Well, you know how it is these days.
Everyone is afraid to get involved.
As if the scum is going to get out one day
track you down and exact a painful revenge.
- What a bunch of wusses, huh? - Wusses, yeah.
So, which one is it?
Ah..
You said it was this one, right?
Yeah, well, no, I-I-I said it might be that guy
but looking at it again his hair was..
...a lot hairier.
And his head was..
...far less head-like.
Bruce.
I didn't frighten you up with that revenge stuff, did I?
No, please. I'm a solid citizen.
I just don't want to be responsible for..
...sending an innocent man to jail.
Thank you, officer.
- Are you sure? - Mm-hmm.
Alright. Goodbye, Dr. Hampton, Dr. Aimes.
Franny, see you at 1700.
There is a million stories in the naked city.
And we could be one of them.
I'm disappointed in you.
Okay, so he's not great looking
but he has beautiful eyes and I'm getting free bullets.
Not you.
Excuse me.
I know you're lying.
Leave me alone.
I don't want to talk about it.
[instrumental music]
So Trevor should be home soon. Ready to have our talk with him?
I guess.
Rachel, he's just a curious 11-year-old.
When I was his age
my friends and I would hang out at the department store
and we would sneak peek under the female mannequins clothes.
- You did that in public? - We were discreet.
And if somebody came by, we quickly pretend
like we are part of the display.
Hey, mom. Hey, dad.
Hey. Uh, Trevor we need to have a little talk.
It was Emma's idea
to put the Jell-o on your electric football game.
No, Trevor, we want to talk to you about something we found.
Trevor, what are you doing with this magazine?
I had to do a paper for school.
There was a great article in disical lesbian there.
Do you expect us to believe that?
Well, you can look at my paper if you like.
"Disical Lesbian, The Man and his Trumpet."
And you get an A?
Way to go, son. How about that?
A guy who actually reads that magazine for the articles.
Hey. Look for my A up on the fridge.
Ah, hold up there, Trevor.
Now I find it kind of hard to believe
that you didn't look at the pictures.
Oh. I...kind of noticed them too.
Now, honey, we are not mad
but we just don't think that you're old enough
to look at naked pictures.
But when we study Ancient Greek art
we look at naked bodies all the time.
Well, sure it's okay when you're studying them.
Well, I study these pretty good.
Um, sweetie, what we're trying to say is
that we're just not comfortable
with you looking at women in such...detail.
Not that there's anything wrong with the human body.
It's a very beautiful thing but
these pictures are a little bit more..
...sexual than artistic.
So, sex is what's bad?
Well, no Trev, we don't want you to think that sex is bad either.
- But you just said it was. - It isn't.
And it's natural to be curious about it.
Yeah, it's just that the pictures in those magazines
might be a little confusing without an adult there
to explain them to you.
Do you understand? Please say, yes.
Sure. I understand.
Next time I want to look at naked ladies in a magazine
I should get one of you to go over with me.
Darby you should talk to Bruce.
He can't just keep burying his head in the sand.
Oh, well, yeah, 'cause he'll get sand up his hair.
Do you know what else he cannot keep doing?
He can't keep hiding and pretending
like the problem isn't there.
Darby that's what I meant by
he can't just keep burying his head in the sand.
It was a metaphor.
Oh, good, 'cause I thought you were losing your mind.
Morning.
Darby, how about some bed coffee?
Uh, Uncle Bruce, did you sleep here?
I had to be here in case of an Orthodontic emergency.
What did you think?
Someone was going to call you at 3:00 a.m.
with a bad case of crooked teeth?
Okay. I'll be honest with you.
I've been doing a little investigating.
Call me crazy but I think when we go home at night..
...the fish steal from us.
- Bruce you're crazy. - Okay. Then I'm crazy.
I was about to leave last night, I thought about the mugger
and I just froze.
You could walk tall if you have a gun.
Francine, that's not right.
What happened to your bodyguard?
Oh. I had to fire him for shooting his mouth off.
- Metaphor? - No.
He was playing with his gun and actually shot his mouth off.
Bruce, you're going to have to come forward
and identify the mugger.
I understand you didn't want to do it before
because you were afraid, but look at you now.
You're a basket case.
I'll be alright.
If not for you, then for us. It's your civic duty.
Oh, civic duty. Please.
Ron, if you were in my position
would you step forward and risk the consequences--
- Yes. - Huh.
That's just you, Mr. Sliding Scale for Kids Who Can't Pay.
What about you guys?
Would you guys just step forward and forget about what--
- Yes. - Yeah.
Well, I guess you're both better none than I.
Bruce.
You have the chance to make us all a little safer.
For once in your life think of the bigger picture.
Do the noble thing.
- Go to the cops? - No.
Put some pants on.
So, honey, do you understand
what your father and I are telling you?
Yes, and I agree that it is wrong to make seem like objects.
Good. You can go now.
[sighs]
You know these pictures aren't that bad.
They are nice photos of beautiful women
in pretty natural poses.
Pretty natural poses? Look at these.
Does that look natural to you?
- Sure, people sit like that. - Oh, really?
- Uh-huh. - Let's see you try.
- Me? Okay. - Mm-hmm.
Well, for that one, I'd need a giant clam shell
and starfish pasties.
Okay. How about, uh..
...that one?
Fine. Piece of cake.
[humming]
Ah, honey, can I see that pose, just for a second?
Okay. Yeah.
Great. Thanks.
[chuckles]
No. Ron, you need to arch your back more.
Okay, now turn your head.
Alright. Give me a arm.
There.
I'm sure a lot of women sit like this in their spare time.
[laughter]
No, they don't.
Well, they should, 'cause it's damn comfortable.
[laughter]
Okay, okay.
Then I'll just leave you here to relax.
Okay.
Oh! I get a cramp.
[groaning]
Rachel!
Emma! Trevor!
Help! Help! Oh!
Hey, Ron.
I just want to thank you for pushing me
to do the right thing.
Helping take that criminal off the street made me feel great.
I'm glad to hear.
I even told him off
when I fingered him at the police station.
I looked into those cold, dark eyes
and called him the scum that he is.
Was he able to hear you through that one way glass?
Shut up.
Now wait. Leave it alone, sleazeball.
- Hey, what's going on? - This is becoming an epidemic.
I was getting in my car to leave and this
scuz bucket tried to mug me.
Oh, no.
Ron, I blew it. I fingered the wrong guy.
What are you talking about?
You said you picked him up out of a line off.
Well, I thought it was but I didn't.
How can you be sure?
Well because, this is the right guy.
Oh! Bruce, you said you were sure!
Well, I was until I saw him.
But now I recognize a little scar under his chin.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember you.
The cry baby with the dental floss in his wallet.
Yeah, that's some..
That's a really nice scar you have.
[giggles]
Thank you. It's self-inflicted.
You see this mugging, this is just my day job.
I'm really an actor.
I was going to play Scarface in "Scarface 2."
Unfortunately, Scarface died in the first one.
Guess I should have watched the whole movie.
Darby, call the police to pick up this loser.
Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
I ain't going back to prison.
- Give me that gun. - What are you doing?
I'm betting you won't shoot me.
Stand down. I'm not afraid to use this.
Then why is your hand shaking?
Well, I'm just deciding which organ to hit.
I wouldn't want to ruin anything
that you could donate to science.
- Oh, okay. Give me that. - Oh!
What do you know? It worked. Hey, hands up everybody. Bow!
Help!
Somebody help.
Ron, you were right.
I should never have gotten that gun in the first place.
I endangered the lives of all of us.
I can't believe this. Robbed twice in one week.
I can't imagine a worst string of luck.
Well, I surely can.
Thank god he came back here to change of heart.
And a change of clothes.
Wait a minute. Where's the scar?
Oh, no.
It's the guy I ID'ed in the police lineup.
- Ugh! - Oh, oh.
Now you have a good memory.
Well, I posted bail.
And decided to pay you a little visit.
They let you out on bail? I mean, that's great!
And I'm sure you came here for a well deserved apology.
Oh, yeah, I came for an apology.
But I also came to kick your eye.
[screaming] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It was an honest mistake.
See, I'm already paying for it. I just got mugged again.
Cool! Bonus.
Now guess what's behind door number two?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll just call the police and set the whole thing straight.
Can't we let bygones be bygones?
No. A thousand times no.
I'm sick of this.
Every time something happens, they think I did it.
Just because sometimes I did.
Listen, man, I don't blame you for being angry
but there's got to be a better way to work this out
than resorting to violence.
Now, look, why don't you just untie all of us but him?
I'd do that. But then you'd untie him.
- No, we won't. No, we won't. - No, he's an idiot.
Look, I wish I could believe you folks.
You seem like good people.
But I don't trust you.
See, this is one of the consequences of a life of crime.
No trust.
Well, if you don't untie us, you are going to be really sorry.
Oh, yeah?
What are you going to do, curly head girl?
First of all, don't insult the hair.
[indistinct whispering]
♪ Ventura highway ♪
♪ In the sunshine ♪
♪ Where the days are longer ♪
♪ The nights are stronger than moonshine ♪
I hate that song. I hate that..
♪ I know woah woah woah woah woah woah ♪
You people are evil. Truly evil.
[laughter]
[laughter]
Darby, that was great! It worked. He's gone!
- Woah! - Oh!
[laughter]
Now what?
Help!
Somebody help!
You know I never should have listened to you
in the first place.
Yeah, sure should have, even though you made a mistake
you did the right thing getting involved.
You mean to say if you could do this all over again
you'd tell me to do the same thing?
Absolutely.
If I can get out of this, I'm going to bite you.
- Are you finished? - No.
There. Now I am.
Hey, hey, hey, look.
Maybe if we work together, we can get to my phone.
Oh, Darby.
No, I'm telling you, I've seen it work for movies
like a thousand times.
Okay, on the count of three.
Let's scooch over to Darby's phone. Ready?
One, two, three.
[all grunting]
- Okay. Okay. Okay. - Now what?
Well, I'll just, uh, reach for the, uh, cord with my teeth.
Uh-huh.
- Oh no! - Oh!
- Now what? - Help!
Somebody help.
[scatting]