Mind Your Language (1977–1986): Season 2, Episode 2 - Queen for a Day - full transcript

- Good evening - Good evening sir

I see the meaning of the
word punctuality

Hasn't yet sunk in with
certain members of our class

You see Max! I told you we'd
be here before Professori

- Better sit down before he comes
- Okay tokay

Good evening

How did you get in?
Through the window?

You're late! Too busy drinking in
the pub to notice the time?

We've not been in the pub,
have we Max?

I hope you're all sitting comfortably.

Sure we've not



Look we're coming to the school

And we see this old
lady trying to cross the road

That's right! She's very old

- And blind - Pushing a pram

An old blind lady
- pushing a pram

Well, maybe she wasn't
exactly blind

And maybe she wasn't exactly
there either

Sure it's true

On Max's life, we have not been
in the pub

- Honest - All right

Hey, you left your books in the pub

- Santa Maria - What's the matter?

Look behind you

Not been in the pub, eh?



Now I remember, we were there
just for a minute

Sit down all of you

Why you not telling me teacher is
behind me you italian macaroni?

Why you not look you
spanish omelette

All right, sit down and be quiet

Teacher is right! You sit
down and be quiet! Sit down!

That includes you Juan

- Por favore?
- You heard

Sit down! I'm getting
rather tired of this

continual habit of certain
people being late

Seven thirty is the time
class commences

And you should be all sitting at
your desks ready to begin work

I shan't tell you again

In future, anyone who comes
late will go straight home

Good evening everybody

- You're late - Oh no

Look please, I'm being early

It's only twenty minutes past
seven o'clock

Correction, It is twenty five
minutes to the eight

That clock is not being right

And is my watch not being
right also?

Yes please

Has it occured to you that
your watch may be wrong?

Oh blimey, this watch is
guaranteed never to be wrong

It is twenty one julies

- Jewels - Yes please

I am buying it today from
market place

You bought that watch from
a stall on the market?

Most definitely

The man is telling me it is a
jolly good bargain

Twenty one julies and
real gold case

Eighteen turnips

- Eighteen Carats
- Sorry please

And how much did you pay

For this twenty one jewelled
eighteen carat gold timepiece?

Two pounds fifty pence!

I think he saw you coming Ali

Most definitely! He was seeing
me before I was seeing him

What I mean is, you were swindled

- Oh no - You can't buy a
watch for two pounds fifty

But the man is telling me it is
being so cheap

- Because it is bankruptured
stock - Rupted

It's not going Ali

Perhaps it needs a wind up

There's nothing to wind up

It's empty

Oh blimey, I am being cheated

Excuse me please, I go to find
the crooked man

- He won't be there now
Ali - What about my money?

You'll just have to put it down
to experience

Sit down! We've got a lot of
work to do

How are you coming along?

Have you learnt any more English?

More English?

Yes, bloody foreigners

Well that's a start!

You will have to follow the
lesson as best as you can

And I will explain later

Do you understand?

Never mind! Sit down an
d do your best

Tonight we're going to
look at sentence construction

Can anyone give me a definition
of a sentence?

- Me please - Yes Su Lee

A sentence is a gloup of
words that makes comprete sense

- Very good - For example

- Communism is only tlue way of rife
- Thank you

Or Capitarists are enemies of
peace roving people

- Or China...
- I think you've made your point Su Lee

Now a sentence contains eight
parts of speech

Can anybody tell me what
they are! Come along now

- Noun - Good, excellent

- Pronoun - Very good

Why am I very good and
she is excellent

All right, you're both excellent!

Anybody else?

- Verb - Good

- Adverb - Well done

- Adjective - Yes

- Prepositiono - Goodo... Good

- Conjunction - One more

Come along... doesn't anybody
know what the other one is

An interjection

Can somebody tell me what
an interjection is?

- Si senor - Yes Juan?

- Niddle - Niddle?

Si, like doctor

Interjection

- No Juan, that's injection
- It's alright

An interjection is a word
put into a sentence

To express some emotion,
such as oh, ah, hush

We will now construct a
sentence starting with a noun

Ranjeet, could you give me
a noun please

Idiot

Idiot? Surely you could have
said something else

I could have said Muslim

Don't you be insulting me

That'll do

Ranjeet, you're here to
learn English!

Kindly keep your personal
prejudices to yourself

- A thousand apologies
- Give me a noun please

- A waiter - A waiter, good

Now Max, an adjective

Come along!

Ranjeet gave us a noun, waiter,
describe him

- Old, tall, short, thin
- how do I know? I never met him

Max, we're not talking about
an actual waiter

He's part time waiter

We're trying to construct
a sentence

Ranjeet gave us a noun... waiter

I want you to give me an
adjective that describes him

- Hockay, an old waiter
- Old waiter

- With a moustache
- Just old will do

Hockay

We'll put a definite article in

The old waiter

Now we need a verb!
Something he was doing

- Danielle - Making love

Can't you think of something
better he could have been doing?

There is nothing better than
making love

Something more appropriate to
a waiter in a restaurant

Bon alors! He served

He served, good! The old waiter
served... Now we need an adverb

- Taro - Ah so

An adverb please modifying
the verb served

- Carefully - Good

Served carefully! Now can
anyone add anything to that?

The old waiter carefully
served... fish and chips

- Two more nouns and a
conjunction - Ockay

The old waiter carefully served two
more nouns and a conjunction

You were right first time Giovanni

- Mister Brown - Yes Sid,
what is it?

There's a geezer out
here looking for Miss Courtney

What's that got to do with me?

I can't find her! Can you have
a word with him?

Oh very well

I want you to complete
the sentence using an

interjection, a preposition
and a pronoun

I'll be back in a minute

This is him

Are you Miss Coutney?

Do I look like Miss Courtney?

- I asked to see Miss Courtney
- Who are you?

My name is F... fofbes
F... fortescue

- Pardon?
- F... forbes F... fortescue

J... jeremy B... brown

- I'm an ATC - I'm a BA Oxen

- My card - You are an Assistant
Town Clerk

- Quite so - I see

- Miss Courtney - Mr. Brown

Is this another one of your
foreign students?

He's an ATC

I don't care what nationality he
is! It's time you were in the classroom

Madame, my name is F... forbes
F... fortescue

- He's hyphenated
- How unfortunate

I'm here from the Town Hall! We've
had some news from the Palace

- Victoria or Crystal?
- Buckingham

I'm here in connection with the Royal
visit to the borough next week

As the Duke himself laid
the foundation stone of this building

It has been suggested
that their Royal

Highnesses pay a brief
visit to your school

The Queen, and Prince Philip
are coming here?

- Next Tuesday - Did you hear
that Mr. Brown?

They're coming here, the two of
them together, in person! Him and her

Calm down Miss Courtney

- Don't over-excite yourself
- Who's getting overexcited?

I'm perfectly calm about
the whole thing

I've seen some strange
things on toilet doors

Boys and girls, lads and
lasses, pointers and setters

But I've never seen Dukes
and Queens

- It's not for them to
use - What is it for then?

It's Miss Courtney's idea

She didn't wanna offend the Royal
family by letting them see toilet doors

So I've done the best thing
I've disguised them

- Very diplomatic - No,
just a waste of time Mr. Brown

They must have loos in
Buckingham Palace

Absolutely! Is the old
battleaxe in yet?

The old battleaxe is here

I wasn't meaning you
Miss Courtney

- I trust you were not referring
to her Majesty - Oh no

I was referring to Gladys, the tea lady

- Here - What's this for?

Well it's not for sticking in
your buttonhole!

It's to wave at the Royal Couple

- Are you going to change?
- Into what?

You surely don't intend to greet

out distinguished guests
in thatjacket

Haven't you anything a little
more formal?

I've got a black tie
I wear for funerals

Here

- That's better - I feel as
if I'm going to a cup final

Sidney, go and sweep
the schoolyard

- I've swept it once
- Well sweep it again

You wouldn't want me
to go down on

my hands and knees and
scrub it, would you?

Don't be ridiculous! It
wouldn't dry before they arrived

I think I'll go and polish the silver

What silver?

I brought my silver tea set in
case they wanted a drink

Perhaps the Duke prefer a trot
of rum, being an ex-naval man

I never thought of that

He'll have to make do with sherry

Shall I ask Gladys to make
up a few ham rolls

In case they're a bit peckish

Ham rolls?

You can't give royalty Ham rolls

This is a very special occasion! Tell
her to open a tin of salmon

This is a very special occasion! Tell
her to open a tin of salmon

- They won't want anything to
eat - Better to be prepared

I wonder if we should have
got a red carpet

Why don't you go the whole hog

And ask the music class to play
the National Anthem as they enter!

This is supposed to be
an informal visit

I don't think you're
approaching this

special occasion with
the proper attitude

- And I think you're being
carried away - Nonsense

This is an opportunity for
all the staff and students

To show their loyalty and
devotion to our sovereign

It's up to the entire school to
make a good impression

One never knows where
it may lead

The New Year's Honours list
isn't far away

- Honour's list?
- Yes

- A knighthood could be within
your grasp - A knighthood

Mr. Jeremy Brown

Arise Sir Jeremy

- Mr. Brown - Yes your Majesty?

- I beg your pardon - Sorry,
I thought you were the Queen

- Have you been drinking?
- No, just day dreaming

Well you'd better wake up

They are due to arrive in half an hour

- Now where are your students?
- In the cloakroom changing

- Changing?
- Yes

I insisted on wearing the
natural costumes

Gladys! Gladlys, are you there?

What?

Blood and thunder!
It's Rule Brittania

- Don't you like it?
- What?

- Don't you like it?
- Very patriotic

I don't know whether to salute
you or run you up a flagpole

- I've got a surprise for you
- Yeah

- Look - Oh my God

That should surprise the Duke

Surprise him! Lt'll paralyse him

You're supposed to courtesy not
flash him your underwear

Any of my students... Good heavens

Don't say anything otherwise
she'll show you her knickers

They will come up here
, won't they?

- Yes, I expect so Gladys
- I do hope so

I think Prince Philips's lovely and
I've always been fond of sailors

Don't forget, he belongs
to the Queen

Have you seen any of
my students?

They're still changing

- Go and tell them to hurry up Sid
- All right

I'd better get tidied up too!

The duke might want to
inspect my utensils

Ready for your inspection Sir

Carry on Sid

Miss China

Is that your National Costume?

This is uniform of
People's army of

Ribelation as plesclibed
by Chairman Mao

You dont rike it?

I feel it lacks a certain finish

A belt of ammunition and
a couple of hand grenades

Miss India

Very nice Jamila

It is Jamila, isn't it?

Miss Germany

- What you think?
- Very teutonic

Miss Sweden

- Beautiful yes?
- Beautiful very

- And the clothes too?
- I was referring to the clothes

Miss France

What do you think?

- Tre's belle - Merci che'ri

Miss Greece

- Don't take the mickey
- Sorry! Mr. Greece

- Are you comfortable in that Max?
- It's a bit cold boss

Mr. Pakistani

God Bless Queen Elizabeth not
forgetting the Duke of Edinberg

- The Duke of Edingburgh
- Him also

Italy

Are you representing Italy
or the Mafia?

I represent Sicile!

Mr. Punjab

- Most endearing Ranjeet
- Thank you very much

Mr. Hungary

- Very good Zoltan - Thank you

Mr. Japan

- Nankipoo I presume - Ah so

And last but not least Mr. Spain

- Professori, there still
nobody coming - Any minute now

Come on in your places everyone

Where's Zoltan?

- He's gone to try and find the
toilet - That may take him a while

I'd like to stress that this
visit is informal

So her majesty may not
necessarily come into this classroom

You mustn't be too disappointed
if she doesn't

But if she does, I want you
all to behave

just as if she weren't here,
understand?

In view of the occasion, it
would seem appropriate

To tell you a little of the history of
our British Kings and Queens

It all started with the Norman Conquests

I have seen that on the
television! Very funny English play

I'm referring to the actual invasion of
England by William of Normandy

- It was 1066 - Wrong

I beg your pardon

1066... Maybe 1056

- It was 1066 - No, cannot be 1066

Sixty minutes in one hour

1066 is six minutes past eleven

- 1066 was the year
- It's all right

William of Normandy, by
the way does anybody know...

What other name he was
known by? William the...

- Concurer - Conqueror

Hokay

He was succeeded by his third
son William Rufus the Red King

Oh blimey, you are having a
Communist King

No, he was called the Red
King because of his red hair

Jolly good

William Rufus died in 1100 after
being struck by an arrow in the woods

Maybe it was Robin the Hood

Robin the hood

Robin Hood wasn't born
then! He was in the Middle ages

How can he be middle ages if
he is not yet being born?

Never mind about
Robin Hood, alright?

Oh yes, very colourful

Sorry to interrupt Mr. Brown but
they will here in any moment now

And I thought it would be
rather nice if one of

your students present
this to her Majesty

I'll do that

It is usual for the bouquet to
be presented by a lady

With that skirt, who's
gonna know the difference?

Come outside and I'll show you

Sit down, who do you suggest
Miss Courtney?

How about Jamila?

Jamila darling, would you
come here?

Anf for goodness sake
girl, get rid of that knitting

Now Jamila!

I want you to wait with me in
the hall until her Majesties arrive

And then you can present
this to the queen

You courtesy first and then
you give it to her

Now let's try it

I'm the Queen

You are Miss Courtney

No, no, no, Jamila! Come
on, she's just pretending

I am understand

Here you are Queenie!

You don't speak until
you're spoken

to and then you address
her as Ma'am!

Now let's try again

Ah, there you are

Superintendant, how soon the
Royal Couple are here?

- They are not coming - What?

We've had to rearrange
the schedule

They're going straight from
the hospital to the Town Hall

We're cutting out their visit
to the school

- I'd better tell Miss Courtney!
- There is no time!

You must come with me now!
You men, follow me

- Excuse me - Please

My name is Mrs Baxter

My name is Mrs Baxter

And my Husband has just
joined your woodwork class

Do you think I could have a
word with him

- Please Sid - No you can't

Blimey, it's Her!

Hang on! Hang on! Hang on!
Don't go away

Miss Courtney, Mister Brown! She's
here, she's arrived, she's outside

She can't be

She must have come in by the
back entrance

But don't leave her
standing outside Sidney! Show her in

So pleased to meet you
Ma'am! Where is your husband?

He's in the woodwork class

I do hope we shall meet
him later on

This is Mr. Brown our
English teacher

- How do you do?
- Ma'am

Jamila

How kind!

In this class, we are endeavoring to
teach English to foreign students

- Excuse me Miss Courtney
- Don't interrupt Mr. Brown

- I think you should know...
- Mr. Brown

Alright, please yourself

- Would you care for a cup of tea?
- If it isn't too much trouble

No trouble at all

You must come round and
have a cup of tea

with my husband and I some time.