Mind Your Language (1977–1986): Season 2, Episode 1 - All Present If Not Correct - full transcript

Good evening Sidney

Good evening Miss Courtney, just
giving your door a bit of a touch up

Had a nice holiday?

I spent seven days in sunny Spain

- Pardon?
- Sunny Spain

- That sounds nice
- It rained

Oh, I am sorry! Still I expect you enjoyed
all those exotic Spanish dishes

- I got food poisoning
- Oh sorry

Did it rain every day?

Oh no! When I got
food poisoning the sun came out

When I got better, it went back in



Apart from the day before we
left. That was absolutely glorious

- Well at least you had one
good day - I got sunburnt

What a pity!

- Hello Sid
- Mr. Brown, welcome back

- Ta, is she in?
- I've creamed out your bin

- No, is she in?
- Yeah, but she's in a shocking temper

- I'll see her later then
- Glad to be back?

Yeah, I shall miss my old class

But I shall enjoy the challenge of
starting again with fresh minds

I wonder how many different nationalities
I'll have to deal with this term?

Good evening

Pleased to meet you

Thank you

Do you speak English?



- Hungry?
- Igen

You want something to eat?

- Hungry
- Hungary

I'll put you in my register

What is your name?

Your name

- Zoltan Szabo
- Zoltan Szabo

This is yes

This is no

Yes... No

Good

I am Mr. Brown, your teacher

I hope that was complimentary

Never mind

Do you know any English?

Yes

- Gud sev de kwin
- God Save the Queen

More? Some more English?

- Pliz, thank you
- Good

- Shtones - Shtones?

- Rolling Stones?
- Yes

Good evening Mr. Brown

I am most happy to
be seeing you again

Anna, Ranjeet! What
are you doing here?

We failed our exam but we are
coming back for more lessons

That is correct!
Like Roberty Bruce say

If at first you are not
succeeding, try, try

Again!

If at first you are not succeeding...

Never mind

Were you not expecting us?

No, the authorities don't notify the
individual teachers of the results

And as usual Miss Courtney has
kept me in the dark

She took the lights out?

No, she never told me!
This is Zoltan, Ranjeet

Delighted to be making
your acquaintance

What a nice man! He
is giving me a present

He wants you to read out
something from his phrase book

A thousand apologies

Waiter my soup is cold

Pleased to meet you

Thank you

Good and this is Anna

How do you do?

Yes, Thank you

Would you both like to sit down

This time I sit at front, then
I can be learning quicker

I will be sitting in my
accustomed place

Well, I was hoping that I had
a hundred percent pass record

But still, two failures
out of ten isn't bad

Good evening master

Four failures out of ten

Jamila, you failed

Sorry Master

But maybe next time
I shall be winning

I'm sure you mean winning

- And you, Taro
- Ah so

Loss of face

Not goodo for Japanese

First, considered Hara-kiri

Then decide to como
backo for more lessons

But if no pass next time

Just make sure you don't do
it on the classroom floor

Well, as you can see you re not alone

This is Zoltan

Jamila, and Taro

- Pleased to meet you
- Good evening

Jamila, you want your place back?

No, I sit at backside with Taro

No Jamila! You will sit at the back

Backside is what you sit on

No master, what I sit on is chair

Yes, I can see why you failed

Buenas noches everybody

Juan! Don't tell me you failed

It's all right! I not tell you

- You don't need to tell me!
I know - You plenty smart

That's more than I can say for you

- Por favor?
- Never mind

This is Zoltan! This is Juan

How you do?

Is for me?

He's really saying he's
pleased to meet you

He doesn't speak English

It's all right! I teach him

That would be like the
blind leading the blind

Blind

He not see!

- You feel
- Juan he's not blind

I was just using a...
never mind! Sit down

Ok! I sit here

- Good afton
- Good evening

- I here come to English learn
- I come here to learn English

We together sit

No, we can't do that

What is matter? There is
wrong something with me?

There is wrong nothing with you

- I very much like you
- I am your teacher

Teacher? You are too
young to be teacher

Thank you

- Is that your name?
- Yes

- Ingrid Svenson
- Ingrid Svenson

- I take it you are Svedish... Swedish?
- Ja

- Where from?
- Stockholm

- Stockholm! And what is your job?
- Au pair

Very nice

Where shall we sit you?

There's a place here with me

There is also a place here beside me

Here please

I think we'll sit you at
the front for the time being

You're sitting next to
Juan, behind you is Ranjeet

At the back are Taro and Jamila

She is Anna and he is Zoltan

And I am Ali

- Ali, not you as well
- As well as what please?

- You failed?
- Yes

I am getting twenty out of one hundred

That's nothing to be proud about

You're supposed to get at least fifty
to pass! Twenty is disgraceful

Last year I am getting nothing at all

So I am doing better! I sit

- Scuse please! Get up
- What for?

- That is my seat
- I not see your name on seat

Get your big Spanish
bottom out of my chair

You no talk me like that!
I punch you

That's enough! Seats
are not reservable

Sit somewhere else, Ali

Ok, I sit at the back

You big spanish bottom

We'll wait a few more moments in
case there are any more new students

It's just like old times

It's a big surprise, eh professori?

I am not disappointed to be back

- Who is that?
- This is Ingrid! She is Swedish

She is also sitting in my seat

- You will move yes?
- I will move no

- You can sit next to me
- No, you sit next to me

That's right! You sit beside Max and
Giovanni because I want to sit here

I'm sorry Danielle! But I think it's
important the new students sit at the front

- I don't like you
- I'm so worried

You can come and sit next to me

- Sit between us
- Ok

Well I must say that I'm
extremely disappointed in you all

It's not your fault professori!
We not pass because we're stupid

- And what does that make me?
- More stupid

Exactly! Out of ten students
I've nine failures

Vely solly I'm rate

Congratulations! You are
getting ten out of ten

Well I really don't know what to say

Oh blimey, if you are
not knowing what to say

How are you going to be teaching us?

- I'll ignore that stupid remark
- Jolly good

Because you have all failed,
I have failed

It's perfectly true

This term, I want much
more effort from all of you

You must all pull your socks up

It's all right

No Juan, I was speaking figuratively

- Por favor
- Never mind

You must all concentrate
much harder this term

We shall start at the beginning again

And this time I shall be giving
twice as much homework as last time

I want a hundred per cent
effort from all of you

Now tonight I want you each to tell
me what you did during the holidays

- Please?
- Yes Zoltan

I do not understand
what you are saying

Never mind!
Just keep quiet and listen

Never mind

I speak

No speak

- Thank you Juan
- It's all right

Now, what have you been
doing with yourself, Jamila?

I went on holidays to visit
all my family

- You went to Bombay?
- No Birmingham

Birmingham,
the Mecca of the Midlands

- And you Taro?
- Ah so

What did you get up to?

Went on fishing holiday

- Good, did you catch anything?
- Catcho heavy coldo

Did you enjoy your break, Ali?

I am not breaking anything

- The holiday
- Jolly good

I am learning how to be
driving a motor car

Good, that's very useful! When
do you take your test?

Oh blimey

I'm already failing my test

The examiner man was
jumping out of the car

When I was going down a hill

- I expect you were going too fast
- No, I was going backwards

- What did you do Su Lee?
- Spent time lighting

- Lighting what?
- Lighting book

Ah book

What sort of book
are you lighting, writing?

Is called The Democratic way of Life

All about
glorious freedom-loving Chinese

I see, a work of fiction

Tell us what you did
with yourself Ranjeet

I have been looking after my cousin
while her husband has been away

Very commendable

He is being discharged this week

Discharged?
He's been in hospital?

No, prison

And he is being sent to
prison for something he didn't do

- What really didn't he do?
- He didn't run fast enough

Quiet!
Tell us what you did Giovanni

I went to Marsgate

- Margate
- Scusi

I met this fantastic girl

She had the biggest...

I'm sure we all get your meaning

Every day we used to go on
the sand for a bit

- For a while
- Scusi?

To go on the sands for a while

To go on the sands for a bit can imply you
were, well doing something naughty

That's right, we were very
naughty on the sand

Silence!

Mr. Brown, miss Courtney
wants you right away

Thank you Sid

You can have an early tea break and
we'll continue with this later

- Please
- Yes Zoltan

No, you must try to speak!
Speak

You

- Girl
- Yes please

- No you re not a girl
- You

Ah, you have a girl friend

- I understand, go on
- Girl English

An English girl

- You
- Me

You want me to write
a letter to your girl?

Please

What do you want me to write?

What I write?

I think I get the general idea

Sidney!

Yes Miss Courtney

Did you tell Mr. Brown
I wanted to see him?

Yeah definitely

I think this should be all right

Dear Miss, I'm writing to tell
you of my feelings for you

I think you are beautiful

I want to hold you in my arms
and kiss you

Please say you feel the same
about me

All my love

Yes!

Thank you

- What is going on here?
- Nothing

It certainly didn't sound like nothing

I was writing a letter for
Zoltan to his girl friend

He was showing me his
appreciation in Hungarian

Kindly leave us

Go, I said go! Go

Now Mr. Brown

I understand none of your
previous students

Passed their lower
Cambridge Certificate

I think there were a few near misses

That's not good enough

Obviously Mr. Brown,
you are sadly lacking

In the necessary
qualities required to teach English

- Just a moment
- Don't interrupt

I shall be keeping a very close
eye on you this term, Mr. Brown

Unless I see a marked improvement,
out you go

- It's not...
- I have no wish to listen to feeble excuses

Pompous old cow

- What was that?
- I said I'm just going now

Hey, you not speak nothing?

He is not knowing the English as
well as what we are knowing

- I speak with him
- Blimey, he speak Hungryarian

Sure I speak Hunarian

- Football - Football

- Puskas - Pele

- Kempes - Beckenbauer

- Bobby Lee Shutkan
- Bobby Lee Moor

You see, I told you
I speak the language

You like England?

Ya! I also very much like teacher

- You not make the eyes at
Mr. Brown - If I want I will

Mr. Brown does not like the blond ladies

Swedish girls are the beautifullest

Swedish girls are too big in the bosoms

French girls are too big in the mouth

In China, looks are not important

It is brains and intellect that matter

- Absolument
- Su Lee is right

We women are not symbols for sex

- You agree Jamila?
- I not understand

We Women are not here to
give the men the pleasure

I like give men pleasure

Trying to find a few winners?

No I'm trying to find out if
I can afford to leave the wife

- Pardon?
- Premium bonds

A hundred thousand pounds!
I could be lucky

Somebody's got to win it

- How many bonds have you got?
- One

You're as bad as me!
I've only got one

One, double F, two,
three, two, three, two

You've got a good memory

It's not a difficult one

One, double F, two,
three, two, three, two

That's right

- That's it
- That's what?

One, double F, two,
three, two, three, two

I don't believe it

Are you sure that you
got the right cucumber?

- Cucumber?
- The number

Positive! Look

One, double F, two,
three, two, three, two

That's right! You've won a
hundred thousand pounds

- What are you going to do?
- What am I going to do

Celebrate of course

- Gladys
- Yes Mr. Brown

Coffees all round

Everybody please! I want to read
you all my letter of resignation

No, no! I'm definitely resigning

With one hundred thousand pounds,
I no longer need to teach English

Dear Dracula

This is to inform you

That I think you are a rude, obnoxious
and self-opinionated old dragon

And if I ever see you again,
it will be too soon

Yours disrespectfully,
Jeremy Brown

- Ali
- Yes please

See that Miss Courtney
gets this straight away

Jelly good

Thank you

- Please
- Oh yes Zoltan, your letter

Glad, where's Sid's paper?

- He went and took it with
him - Took it with him?

- I got a paper Mr. Brown
- Great Max, thank you

Here it is, one hundred thousand pounds

Today's number is One E, F, two, three

Wait a minute! That's not
right! It should be one double F

We apologize for the misprint
printed out early in the day

I have not won anything

- So you won't be resignating
after all - Resigning

That letter...

Hello please

Ali, the letter to Miss Courtney

- She is not in the office - Thank God

Mr. Brown, Mr. Nadim!
Did you want to see me?

- No
- Yes please! This is for you

Thank you

I'd like a word with you Mr. Brown

I'll have you in the office

Close the door

I'll just see what this letter is first

I wouldn't do that! You don't know where
it's been! It could be full of germs

Don't be so ridiculous

I seem to recognize this writing

It looks like yours, Mr. Brown

No, it's nothing like
mine! Itjust looks like mine

- Well I'd better open it
- I think I'll go

I haven't finished with you yet

You will have when you read that letter

- I beg you pardon?
- Nothing

Good Heavens

Miss Courtney

I've never read anything
like it in my life

- I can explain...
- Just listen to this

I'd rather not

Dear Miss, I'm writing to tell
you of my feelings for you

You see I thought I'd won...
Pardon?

I want to hold you in my
arms and kiss you

You did write this letter, Mr. Brown

Well I... Not to you

It's the letter you wrote for
that Hungarian student

- Yes, you see what must have
happened - You don't need to go on

Obviously he's been
smitten by my charm and beauty

- Pardon?
- I have told you before Mr. Brown

I do have a strange
fascination for the opposite sex

Oh yes very strange

You may not believe this, Mr. Brown

But when I was a young
girl I was very plain

A cup of tea Gladys, please

Everything ok, Mr. Brown?

Yes! I must have put Zoltan's letter to his
girl friend in my envelop to Miss Courtney

- He's not going to be very happy
- Why not?

He's gonna give the letter you write
to Miss Courtney to his girlfriend!