Millennium (1996–1999): Season 2, Episode 9 - Jose Chung's 'Doomsday Defense' - full transcript

ONCE UPON A TIME, TWO
EAST INDIAN IMMIGRANTS...

GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY BOY
WHOM THEY LOVED VERY DEARLY,

YET NEVERTHELESS NAMED
JUGGERNAUT ONAN GOOPTA.

OTHER THAN THE NAME AND THE,
UH, BEARD, HE WAS A NORMAL BOY...

WHO SUFFERED ALL THE USUAL
HUMILIATIONS OF A NORMAL CHILDHOOD.

UPON GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL,
HE WENT OFF TO COLLEGE...

WITH THE DREAM OF SOMEDAY
BECOMING A FAMOUS NEUROSCIENTIST.

HIS GOAL WAS TO BE THE FIRST TO
COMPREHEND HOW THE BIOLOGY OF THE BRAIN...

GIVES BIRTH TO THE GREATEST
MYSTERY OF LIFE, SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS.

UNFORTUNATELY, HIS OWN BRAIN
COULD NOT COMPREHEND BASIC BIOLOGY.

HE QUICKLY SWITCHED
MAJORS TO PHILOSOPHY,



BUT ALAS, WHILE READING
KIERKEGAARD'S THE SICKNESS UNTO DEATH,

HE BECAME SICK AND NEARLY DIED.

DURING RECOVERY, THOUGH STILL
OBVIOUSLY SUFFERING FROM DEMENTIA,

HE SET FORTH ON A NEW
DREAM... TO BECOME A WRITER,

AND HIS FIRST FORAYS INTO
DETECTIVE FICTION PROVED SO INEPT,

THEY WERE MISTAKEN
FOR BRILLIANT PARODIES...

AND FINDING IMMEDIATE
PUBLICATION...

IN THE HIGH-BROW LITERARY
JOURNAL, THE DARK MASK...

ALONGSIDE THE WORK OF A
TALENTED GROUP OF YOUNG WRITERS,

ONE OF WHOM WOULD
GO ON TO BECOME...

THE LEADING LITERARY
LIGHT OF HIS GENERATION,

COMPOSING PROFOUND STORIES IN A
STYLE THAT MADE PROUST SEEM PALLID.

HIS LOVABLE FLAMBOYANCY MADE
HIM NOT ONLY A LITERARY ICON,

BUT A CULTURAL ONE AS WELL.



WHY, HE EVEN MADE A
CAMEO APPEARANCE...

IN AN AWARD-WINNING
FILM AT CANNES.

NOBODY EVER COMES
OUT OF THERE ALIVE!

BUT WE'RE HERE TO
FOCUS ON GOOPTA.

AFTER THE DEMISE
OF THE MAGAZINE,

GOOPTA COULD NOT SELL HIS WORK,
AND HE BECAME DESTITUTE AND SUICIDAL.

OUT OF PURE DESPERATION, HE
MANAGED, IN A SINGLE, FEVERISH NIGHT,

TO CRANK OUT A BOOK THAT CHANGED
THE COURSE OF HUMAN HISTORY.

HOW TO BE HAPPY, EVEN
WHEN YOU SHOULDN'T.

IT WAS QUICKLY FOLLOWED
BY THE BEST SELLERS...

HOW TO MANIPULATE PEOPLE BY
YOUR APPARENT FRIENDLINESS...

AND HOW TO OVERCOME YOUR
FEARS BY MAKING OTHERS FEAR YOU.

AND UPON THE RELEASE
OF HIS MASTERPIECE,

GOOPTA HIT THE
LECTURE-HALL CIRCUIT,

ALWAYS PREACHING TO
STANDING-ROOM ONLY,

FOR HE SHREWDLY REFRAINED
FROM PROVIDING CHAIRS.

EVERY PAINFUL
MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE...

CASTS A SHADOW ACROSS
YOUR NEUROBIOLOGY.

UNTIL YOU EXTERMINATE
THESE DARK MEMORIES,

YOU WILL REMAIN IN
A NEGATIVE GROOVE.

THUS, THOSE WHO CANNOT
FORGET THEIR PAST...

ARE CONDEMNED TO REPEAT IT.

GOOPTA THEN
OPENED AN INSTITUTE...

TO HELP TEACH PEOPLE HOW
TO BECOME MORE SELF-HELPFUL.

PATIENTS, WHO ARE
CALLED "DOCTORS,"

SINCE THE TERM "PATIENT"
HAS UNHEALTHY ASSOCIATIONS,

LEARN HOW TO SHED THE
DARKNESS OF THEIR MINDS...

BY MASTERING THERAPIES
TAUGHT BY THE INSTITUTE'S STAFF,

WHICH, TO INSPIRE A SENSE
OF EMPIRICAL TRANSMIGRATION,

IS MODELED AFTER THE
U.S. POSTAL SERVICE.

THE INSTITUTE PROVED SO POPULAR,
SELFOSOPHY BRANCHED OUT...

AND INSTITUTES POPPED
UP THROUGHOUT THE NATION.

AND GOOPTA ANNOUNCED A
NEW EVOLUTION TO SELFOSOPHY.

AFTER WIPING AWAY
ITS MIND OF DARKNESS,

THE SELF MUST THEN
WIPE ITS ETERNAL SOUL.

AND SINCE OUR SOULS HAVE
EXISTED FOR THOUSANDS

OF YEARS BEFORE THE
ADVENT OF SELFOSOPHY,

WE ALL HAVE A GREAT
DEAL OF WIPING TO DO.

THE TAX-EXEMPT BELIEF SYSTEM...

ALSO EVOLVED ITS OWN THEOLOGY.

BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU
WHAT IT IS. IT'S A SECRET.

WHEN LEARNING THE THEOLOGY,

SELFOSOPHISTS MUST UNDERGO A SWORN
BLOOD-OATH RITUAL, WHICH IS ALSO A SECRET.

SO THIS ARTIST'S DEPICTION IS PURELY
SPECULATIVE AND SURELY WAY OVER THE TOP.

IN FACT, FORGET YOU EVEN SAW IT.

IN ANY CASE, ALL THIS SECRECY AND PROFITS
DREW CRITICISM FROM SOME QUARTERS.

BUT THESE CRITICS
WERE QUICKLY SILENCED,

EITHER BY LIBEL SUITS OR
BY WHAT SELFOSOPHISTS

CALL "KNOCK-KNOCK,
ZOOM-ZOOM" AFFIRMATIONS.

THERE WERE EVEN SOME
INTERNAL CRITICISMS.

IF A MEMBER CONTINUES HIS COMPLAINTS,
HE IS DEEMED A "RAT-FINK-O-VICH"...

AND IS EXCOMMUNICATED
FROM SELFOSOPHY.

IN 1979, ONAN GOOPTA MOLTED
HIS EARTHLY ENCUMBRANCE...

TO PURSUE HIS SELFOSOPHICAL
RESEARCH IN ANOTHER DIMENSION...

THAT MEANS HE DIED
OF PROSTATE CANCER.

BUT THE INSTITUTION HE LEFT BEHIND
HAS NEVER BEEN MORE POPULAR...

AS WE HEAD INTO
THE NEXT MILLENNIUM.

A HAPPY, UPBEAT ENDING
IF EVER THERE WAS ONE.

THAT IS, IT WAS, UNTIL I
REENTERED THE STORY...

AND IT'S ABOUT TIME!

YOU SEE, WHILE
CONDUCTING THIS RESEARCH,

I WAS CONTACTED BY A
RECENT RAT-FINK-O-VICH,

WHO, IN ONE OF THOSE COINCIDENCES
FOUND ONLY IN REAL LIFE AND GREAT FICTION,

ACTUALLY WAS NAMED RATFINKOVICH.

JOSEPH P. RATFINKOVICH.

AND HE PROMISED
TO REVEAL TO ME...

THE NEVER-BEFORE DISCLOSED
SECRET BEHIND SELFOSOPHY.

GOOPTA... IS GOD.

THAT'S IT?

TO FIND OUT THAT THE ULTIMATE
REVELATION OF SELFOSOPHY...

IS THAT ITS GOD IS THE GUY
WHO INVENTED THE DAMN THING...

THERE'S NOT REALLY MUCH
OF A "WOW!" IN THAT, IS THERE?

OH, ACTUALLY, THE "WOW!" CAN LEAD
YOU TO NEUROSPIRITUAL HAPPINESS,

AWAY FROM DESPAIR,
DEPRESSION AND EVEN FLIPPANCY.

PLEASE. I... I ASSURE YOU
THAT I REGARD THIS SUBJECT...

WITH THE UTMOST
RESPECT AND SERIOUSNESS.

YOU HAVE MY WORD AS A WRITER.

WELL, THAT'S WHY I
CHOSE YOU TO CONFESS TO.

UH, YOU SEE, BESIDES
ONAN GOOPTA, OF COURSE,

YOU'RE MY FAVORITE WRITER.

OH! MM.

I HAVE READ EVERYTHING
YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN.

INCLUDING, UM,

OBVIOUSLY, YOUR MOST
RECENT SHORT STORY,

WHICH IS WHAT GOT ME
INTO ALL THIS TROUBLE.

MM. YES. NOW, TELL ME,

OBVIOUSLY, YOU STILL
BELIEVE IN SELFOSOPHY.

DO YOU THINK IT'S FAIR THAT
YOU WERE EXCOMMUNICATED...

JUST FOR READING A PIECE
OF FORBIDDEN FICTION?

SELFOSOPHY HAS THE LEGAL RIGHT TO CUT
ME OFF FROM MY BELIEFS, FROM MY FRIENDS,

FROM EVERYTHING.

MY FIRST NOVEL... WELL,
IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING...

WAS AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL.

YES, IT WAS ABOUT ME AND MY
CLOSEST FRIENDS... ALL WRITERS.

THE BOOK CAME OUT
TO UNIVERSAL PRAISE,

EXCEPT BY MY FRIENDS.

OF ALL PEOPLE, THEY SHOULD'VE
UNDERSTOOD WHY I WROTE ABOUT US.

THEY FELT BETRAYED.

NONE OF THEM EVER
SPOKE TO ME AGAIN.

SO I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT
"SO LONESOME YOU COULD DIE"...

IS NOT A MERE PHRASE.

I IMAGINE YOU FEEL SOMEWHAT
LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO
HAPPY IN ALL OF MY LIFE.

MM.

WELL, AT LEAST HE DIED HAPPY.

YEAH, DON'T LET THE
CADAVER SPASM FOOL YOU.

ELECTROCUTION AIN'T
NO PLEASURE CRUISE.

MAYBE THAT'S THE CONNECTION
WITH THESE PLAYPEN MAGAZINES.

"MISTRESS NOVEMBER'S
TURN-ONS: GUY WITH A NICE SMILE."

WHO BUYS SO MANY COPIES OF THE
SAME ISSUE OF THE SAME NUDIE MAG?

A PERVERT WITH AN OBSESSIVE-
COMPULSIVE DISORDER, THAT'S WHO.

SO IMAGINE THIS POOR GUY. HE'S
DOWN AT THE LOCAL NEWSSTAND.

HE'S BUYING ANOTHER DOZEN
ISSUES, 'CAUSE HE CAN'T HELP HIMSELF.

AND WHO'S THERE TO WITNESS
THIS GROSS DISPLAY OF INDULGENCE?

AN ANTIPORN FEMINIST LESBIAN.

SO UNDER FALSE PRETENSES,
SHE APPROACHES THE GUY,

SUGGESTING SHE GIVE
HIM A PERSONAL LAYOUT.

ONCE BACK HERE, SHE IMMEDIATELY
GETS DOWN TO BUSINESS.

TIME OUT. I THOUGHT YOU SAID SHE
WAS AN ANTIPORN FEMINIST LESBIAN.

YEAH. SHE'S ONE OF THOSE
SEXY, GOOD-LOOKING KIND.

YIKES. EXACTLY.

'CAUSE GUESS WHAT SHE'S GOT
STASHED UNDER HER SECRETS...

A CATTLE PROD.

SHE STARTS ZAPPING HIM.
HE'S SCREAMING "STOP! STOP!"

BUT SHE CAN'T STOP.
SHE WON'T STOP.

SHE'LL NEVER STOP
TILL EVERY PERVERT'S...

WIPED OFF THE FACE OF
THE SCUM-SUCKING PLANET.

WHAT A WOMAN.

TO KNOW THAT PROFILE...

REVEALS LESS ABOUT THE PERP...

THAN IT DOES ABOUT THE PROFILER.

SCARES ME. HEY, FRANK.

I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T
HAVE CALLED YOU,

BUT I GOT A HUNCH THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT THIS CASE THAT'S MILLENNIUMISTIC.

THIS WAS DONE BY SOMEONE
THE VICTIM WAS FAMILIAR WITH.

HE WILL END UP BEING VERY
SIMILAR TO THE VICTIM IN MANY WAYS...

AGE, EDUCATION, INCOME.

AAAH! AAAH!

THIS WAS A TORTURE SESSION,

SOMETHING TO GAIN INFORMATION.

MAYBE A SHADY BUSINESS DEAL.

UH, ANYONE ELSE CARE TO TRY
CRIME-SCENE SCENARIOS FOR 500?

INSTEAD OF TAKING PICTURES
OF THE VICTIM'S BODY,

YOU SHOULD PHOTOGRAPH
HIS BOOKSHELVES.

A PERSON'S DEATH SAYS
NOTHING ABOUT THEIR LIFE, BUT...

THE BOOKS, THEY SAY IT ALL.

OH, YEAH? NOT MINE.

I DON'T GOT NO BOOKS. EXACTLY.

YEAH. DON'T DISTURB THE
CRIME SCENE. ROCKET McGRANE.

A ROVING, FREELANCE
FORENSIC PROFILER.

OF ALL THE ABSURD NONSENSE...

WRITTEN BY THE SAME MAN
WHO CREATED SELFOSOPHY.

YEAH, I DON'T CARE
WHO'S ON THE BOOK.

WHO THE HELL ARE
YOU? JOSE CHUNG.

BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL,
I READ YOUR BOOK...

A LAPFUL OF SEVERED
TONGUES ABOUT 10 TIMES.

OH. THAT'S THE WORST
BOOK I EVER WROTE.

WHAT IS YOUR INVOLVEMENT
WITH THE, UH, VICTIM?

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS DEATH.

I, UH, HAVE BEEN IN TOWN DOING
RESEARCH FOR MY NEW BOOK,

WHICH, UH, EXAMINES NEWLY ARISING BELIEF
SYSTEMS AT THE END OF THE MILLENNIUM.

WHAT'D I TELL
YOU? UH, PLAYPEN...

IS RUNNING A SEGMENT, PAGE 162,

A SHORT STORY THAT HAS
OFFENDED SELFOSOPHISTS.

SO THAT'S WHAT THEY
PUT IN THESE BACK PAGES.

UNABLE TO HALT DISTRIBUTION,

THEY SENT THEIR MEMBERS
OUT TO BUY ALL AVAILABLE COPIES,

SO THAT THIS BLASPHEMOUS STORY COULD
NOT BE READ BY UNSUSPECTING MASTURBATORS.

HE DIDN'T JUST
BUY THE MAGAZINES.

HE READ THE STORY,
AND HE LIKED IT.

CONFESSION LED TO
HIS EXCOMMUNICATION.

AND HE GOT IN TOUCH WITH YOU TO
TALK ABOUT SELFOSOPHY'S HIERARCHY.

HOW IN THE WORLD DID
YOU DEDUCE ALL THAT?

I'M A ROVING, FREELANCE
FORENSIC PROFILER.

- OHHH.
- I STILL AIN'T HEARD
HOW THIS GUY GOT FRIED.

AFTER I LEFT, AFTER ARRANGING
A MEETING FOR TONIGHT,

I IMAGINE THAT MR. RATFINKOVICH
RECEIVED ANOTHER VISITOR.

BOY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.

I HAVEN'T TALKED TO ANYBODY
SINCE THEY KICKED ME OU...

UH, D-DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER
IF WE TALKED ON A MORE PERSONAL LEVEL?

- WHAT DOES HE PULL
OUT OF THE CASE?
- AN "ONAN-O-GRAPH."

SELFOSOPHISTS CLAIM IT'S A SELF-THERAPEUTIC
DEVICE USED TO MODIFY EMOTIONAL STATES.

BASICALLY, IT'S A
CASSETTE PLAYER...

USED TO REGISTER THE USER'S EMOTIONAL
RESPONSE TO QUESTIONS ASKED ON TAPE.

SO IT'S A LIE DETECTOR.

WITH A CASSETTE PLAYER. HUH.

DO YOU HARBOR ANY BITTERNESS
TOWARDS SELFOSOPHY?

NO. I UNDERSTAND
WHY THEY HAD TO...

DO YOU HARBOR ANY BITTERNESS
TOWARDS SELFOSOPHY?

YES, BUT ONLY BECAUSE...

TAKE A MOMENT TO REFLECT
ON YOUR CURRENT STATE.

ARE YOU FEELING ANXIOUS,
CONFUSED, NERVOUS?

VERY MUCH SO.

SO, OBVIOUSLY, THIS BITTERNESS IS
NOT MAKING YOU FEEL ANY BETTER.

NOW, DOESN'T IT SEEM
WISER TO NOT FEEL BITTER?

WELL, YES. YES, I GUESS IT DOES.

HAVE YOU SHARED THIS MISGUIDED
BITTERNESS WITH ANY NON-SELFOSOPHIST?

NO. THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES.

HAVE YOU SHARED THIS MISGUIDED
BITTERNESS WITH ANY NON-SELFOSOPHIST?

YES!

WAS THIS NON-SELFOSOPHIST
A MEMBER OF THE MEDIA?

ROLAND, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
THINKING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.

P-PLEASE DON'T BE DARK.

WAS THIS NON-SELFOSOPHIST
A MEMBER OF...

IT WAS CHUNG. IT WAS JOSE
CHUNG. I DIDN'T HAVE ANY...

WHY DOES HE DO
THAT WITH HIS HANDS?

WHENEVER HE THINKS
A NEGATIVE THOUGHT,

THE GESTURES REMIND
THE SELFOSOPHIST...

TO THINK THE COMPLETE
OPPOSITE THOUGHT.

SO THEN WHAT'D HE DO?

I'M SORRY. I SERIOUSLY DOUBT...

THAT THIS DEVICE WOULD
MALFUNCTION IN THIS WAY.

I KNOW THEY CAN'T. I WAS
MERELY BEING FANCIFUL.

- FANCIFUL?
- MM-HMM.

- YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
- PROOF?

I WAS MAKING IT
UP AS I WENT ALONG.

FRANK, DON'T THESE SELFOSOPHISTS
GOT A HEADQUARTERS DOWNTOWN?

YEAH. YOU MIND IF I
COME ALONG WITH YOU?

GENTS, BE CAREFUL.

THESE SELFOSOPHISTS
CAN BE VERY EVASIVE...

AND PERSUASIVE.

YEAH? WELL, WE KNOW HOW TO QUESTION
SOMEONE TO GET WHAT WE WANT OUT OF 'EM.

SO DO THEY.

THAT IS A VERY PERCEPTIVE
POINT, DETECTIVE,

BUT OUR THERAPEUTIC TECHNIQUES
ARE PATENTED FOR THAT VERY REASON.

IF A DISGRUNTLED EX-MEMBER
TRIES TO MAKE THEM PUBLIC,

WE WOULD SIMPLY SUE
THAT PERSON TO THE FULLEST

EXTENT OF, BUT IN FULL
ACCORDANCE WITH, THE LAW.

FURTHERMORE,

JUST BECAUSE YOUR SUSPECT MIGHT
COINCIDENTALLY BE A SELFOSOPHIST,

I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR TO PLACE
SELFOSOPHY ITSELF UNDER SUSPICION.

IN FACT, IF YOU
CONTINUE TO DO SO,

WE MAY HAVE TO REGARD THIS
HARASSMENT AS A FORM OF DISCRIMINATION...

AND SUE YOU TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF,
BUT IN FULL ACCORDANCE WITH, THE LAW.

BUT I'M POSITIVE IT WON'T COME
TO THAT, SINCE, BY VERY DEFINITION,

A SELFOSOPHIST IS
INCAPABLE OF MURDER.

SELFOSOPHY TEACHES HOW TO RID
ONESELF OF THOUGHTS CONCERNING OTHERS...

AND FOCUS ON WHAT IS
MOST IMPORTANT: YOUR SELF.

FOR EXAMPLE, ARE YOU FAMILIAR
WITH THE FILMS OF BOBBY WINGOOD?

BOBBY USED TO BE AN
OUT-OF-WORK ACTOR, HIGH ON DRUGS,

BEATING UP PAPARAZZI BECAUSE
THEY WOULDN'T TAKE HIS PICTURE.

THEN HE FOUND SELFOSOPHY, LEARNED
HOW TO REJECT RAGE AND ANGER...

AND FOCUS ON MORE
MEANINGFUL EMOTIONS.

NOW HE'S RICH AND FAMOUS AND
DATING HIGH-PRICE FASHION MODELS.

IN FACT, MANY OF HOLLYWOOD'S
ELITE ARE SELFOSOPHISTS.

SO I ASK YOU, HOW COULD
A RELIGIOUS ORDER...

WITH TIES TO HOLLYWOOD BE
INVOLVED IN ANYTHING IMMORAL?

BUT DON'T WORRY, DETECTIVES. I THINK I HAVE
SOMETHING THAT WILL PROVE USEFUL TO YOU.

DETECTIVE, YOU OBVIOUSLY
POSSESS MANY UNIQUE SKILLS,

BUT I SENSE THAT YOUR
NEGATIVITY IS HOLDING YOU BACK.

ARE YOU AWARE HOW OFTEN YOU
USE NEGATIVELY ASSOCIATED WORDS?

UH, NO, I DON'T, NEITHER.

AND MR. BLACK, YOUR
PROFOUND SOLEMNITY...

IS A SURE SIGN OF
A NOBLE NATURE,

BUT PEOPLE ARE RELUCTANT TO
OPEN UP TO DARK, GLOOMY BROODERS.

THEY ARE?

GENTLEMEN, I CAN TELL THAT YOU'D DO ALMOST
ANYTHING TO FIND THIS KILLER OF YOURS...

BUT WHAT ARE YOU WILLING
TO DO TO FIND YOURSELVES?

EVERY UNHAPPY PERSON IS
UNHAPPY IN THEIR OWN WAY.

HAPPY PEOPLE ARE ALL ALIKE,

ESPECIALLY SELFOSOPHISTS,
WHOSE POSITIVE-THINKING THERAPIES...

MAKE EVERY DAY...
A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

♪♪

♪ EVERY MORNING WHEN
THE SUN COMES UP ♪ YES!

♪ I WANT TO RISE I
WANT TO FILL MY CUP ♪

♪ I WANT TO SING ♪ THIS IS THE
27,466th TIME I'VE HAD TO BRUSH MY TEETH,

AND I NEVER GET TIRED OF IT!

OH, BOY! A TRAFFIC JAM!

AND ROAD CONSTRUCTION
TO BOOT! HA!

DARN. IT'S NOT WHETHER
MY TEAM WON OR LOST.

IT'S HOW THEY PLAYED THE GAME.

NEVERTHELESS, EVEN
A POSITIVE-THINKING,

GOAL-ORIENTED ENTREPRENEUR
LIKE NAPOLEON HAD HIS WATERLOO.

"EVERY UNHAPPY PERSON IS
UNHAPPY IN THEIR OWN WAY.

HAPPY PEOPLE ARE ALL ALIKE,
ESPECIALLY SELFOSOPHISTS."

SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD TO LAUGH
AT YOURSELF. IT KEEPS YOU HUMBLE.

SINCE YOU CAN'T CONTROL OTHERS,

ISN'T IT MORE PRODUCTIVE TO
CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS TOWARDS THEM?

CHUNG RIDICULED EVERYTHING
THAT I HOLD SACRED.

AND WITH SELFOSOPHY SO CLOSE TO
RESPECTABILITY, THE DAMAGE COULD...

SINCE YOU CAN'T CONTROL OTHERS, ISN'T
IT MORE PRODUCTIVE TO CONTROL YOUR...

HE MAKES FUN OF USING
THE ONAN-O-GRAPH!

NEG... NEGATIVE FEELINGS
DIRECTED AT OTHERS...

IS NEVER CONSTRUCTIVE.

INSTEAD OF GIVING OUT
HATRED, WHY NOT GIVE A GIFT?

EVEN IF IT'S UNAPPRECIATED,

YOU'LL FEEL BETTER ABOUT
YOURSELF, WON'T YOU?

YEAH. I'LL SEND
THIS WRITER A GIFT...

JUST TO SHOW HIM THAT
WE CAN TAKE A JOKE.

EVEN IF THAT JOKE
IS A SAD, SPITEFUL,

STUPID PIECE OF
SH... FRANK BLACK.

MR. BLACK, UH,
THIS IS JOSE CHUNG.

UH, I HOPE YOU DON'T
MIND MY CALLING YOU,

BUT DETECTIVE GEIBELHOUSE
GAVE ME YOUR NUMBER.

NO, NOT AT ALL. IN FACT, I
WAS JUST READING YOUR STORY.

OHHH. IT'S AMUSING.

OHHH.

ALTHOUGH I'M NOT TOO SURE
I'M COMFORTABLE WITH THE TONE.

OH, I'LL TAKE THAT AS
AN UNQUALIFIED RAVE!

MR. BLACK, THE REASON
I'M CALLING YOU...

IS I RECEIVED
SOMETHING IN THE MAIL...

THAT I THINK YOU WILL
FIND OF SOME INTEREST.

YET ANOTHER PRETTY EXAMPLE...

OF LIFE IMITATING THE
VERY ART IT CONDEMNS.

YOU DON'T SEEM VERY
DISTURBED BY THIS.

A WRITER WANTS HIS
WORK TO AFFECT PEOPLE.

YOU'D PREFER THE EFFECTS NOT BE
EXPRESSED BY DEATH THREATS, BUT...

BEGGARS CANNOT BE CHOOSERS.

BESIDES, THE ANTAGONIST IN MY
STORY SENDS MANY SUCH THREATS...

BEFORE ACTING UPON THEM.

JUST BECAUSE THIS PERSON
COPYCATTED ONE ELEMENT...

DOESN'T MEAN HE'S GONNA
FOLLOW THE WHOLE STORY.

WELL, LET'S HOPE HE
DOESN'T FOLLOW THE ENDING.

YOU, UH, DIDN'T READ THE
WHOLE STORY, DID YOU?

WELL... THE
SELFOSOPHIST PSYCHO...

FINALLY CONFRONTS
THE WRITER, KILLING HIM.

THE POLICE GIVE CHASE, BUT BECAUSE
HE KEEPS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE...

"I CAN GET AWAY IF I
THINK I CAN GET AWAY..."

HE GETS AWAY.

THAT'S VERY DOWNBEAT.

LIFE IS DOWNBEAT, MONSIEUR NOIR.

I'VE GOT ANOTHER CASE, MR. CHUNG,
SO ALL I CAN REALLY ADVISE IS...

YOU KNOW, YOUR WORK IS
UTTERLY FASCINATING TO ME.

DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE
I COULD, UH, TAG ALONG?

I MEAN, JUST, YOU KNOW,
AS AN OBSERVER, OF COURSE.

IS THE ONLY REASON
YOU'RE INTERESTED IN ME...

BECAUSE I'M INVOLVED
WITH... THE MILLENNIUM GROUP?

I'VE BECOME AWARE OF YOUR
MYSTERIOUS LITTLE GROUP.

BUT, NO, I HAVE NO PLANS TO
INCLUDE THEM IN MY MILLENNIUM BOOK.

YOU HAVE MY WORD AS A WRITER.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN LEARN A LOT ABOUT A
PERSON FROM THE BOOKS ON THEIR SHELVES.

CAMPUS SECURITY TOLD ME THIS
GUY TAUGHT COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS.

IT WASN'T TILL I SAW THESE
NOSTRADAMUS BOOKS...

THAT I REALIZED THIS
CASE WAS MILLENNIUMISTIC.

FRANK.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE. IT'S AMOS
RANDI, THE NOSTRADAMUS SCHOLAR.

I'VE CONSULTED WITH HIM A
FEW TIMES. SO DID THE GROUP.

THE POLICE WERE THINKING DISGRUNTLED
STUDENT. WE THINK OTHERWISE.

IT MAY HAVE BEEN A STUDENT,
BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT GRADES.

"BLOOD RAINS UPON THE
FIRST IGNORANT TYRANT.

"SECOND FALLS WITH
VOICE IN HOLY WOODS.

THIRD ANTICHRIST
DESTROYED TO SERVE MAN."

LINES FROM NOSTRADAMUS?

PHRASES FROM DIFFERENT
QUATRAINS ALL JUMBLED UP.

THIS IS FROM A BOOK
SOMEWHERE IN THIS ROOM.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S TARGETED VICTIMS HE
CONSIDERS NOSTRADAMUS'S THREE ANTICHRISTS.

THE FIRST IGNORANT TYRANT
PROBABLY MEANT THE PROFESSOR.

IS THIS IT?

THE PAGE FITS. THIS MUST
BE THE ATTACKER'S BOOK.

- THEN THE KILLER
CAN'T BE A STUDENT.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

DOG-EARED PAGES. HIGHLIGHTED
PASSAGES. MARGIN NOTATIONS.

WHY, THIS BOOK HAS
ACTUALLY BEEN READ.

IT CAN'T BE A STUDENT'S.

UH, FRANK, CAN I
CONSULT WITH YOU FOR...

WHO IS THAT RATHER PECULIAR MAN?

IT'S THE WRITER, JOSE CHUNG.

HE'S HERE RESEARCHING A
BOOK ABOUT THE MILLENNIUM.

THE MILLENNIUM GROUP'S
NOT INTERESTED IN PUBLICITY.

NO, NOT ABOUT OUR
GROUP. NOT ABOUT US.

IN FACT, HE'S WORKING ON A CASE THAT
COULD BE OF GREAT INTEREST TO THE GROUP.

A SELFOSOPHIST WAS
FOUND... WHOA. WHOA.

SELFOSOPHY? NO,
FRANK. NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHAT IS GOING ON, PETER? WE'VE
NEVER BACKED AWAY FROM ANYTHING.

WHY, WE'VE EVEN
LOOKED AT EVIL INCARNATE.

EVIL INCARNATE CAN'T SUE.

ALL I'M SAYING IS BE CAREFUL WHAT
YOU SAY AROUND YOUR WRITER FRIEND.

SO, IMAGINE THE GIRLFRIEND
GOING OFF TO COLLEGE,

DISCOVERING ALL THESE NEW
IDEAS AND BRILLIANT PROFESSORS.

THE BLUE-COLLAR BOYFRIEND
TRIES TO READ SOME OF HER BOOKS...

YOU KNOW, TO SHOW THAT HE
HAS AN INTEREST IN HER INTERESTS.

SO THE GIRL BREAKS
UP THE RELATIONSHIP.

THE BOY'S WORLD IS SHATTERED.
HIS OWN PERSONAL APOCALYPSE.

BUT IN HIS MADNESS, HE FINDS...

NOW, THIS IS VERY GOOD.

IN HIS MADNESS, HE FINDS AN
EXPLANATION FOR HIS UNHAPPINESS.

NOSTRADAMUS, YOU SEE, WASN'T
PREDICTING WORLD EVENTS.

HE WAS PREDICTING THE CATACLYSMIC
EVENTS OF THIS POOR BOY'S LIFE.

SO, FULFILLING THE PROPHECIES
AS HE INTERPRETED THEM,

HE KILLS HIS
EX-GIRLFRIEND'S TEACHER...

WITH A PICKAX.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?

- I'M PROFILING.
- BASED ON WHAT?

THE CODED MESSAGE. I CRACKED IT.

YOU SEE, "THE VOICE
IN HOLY WOODS"...

REFERS TO THE HOLLYWOOD
MOVIE HOUSE THEATER,

CURRENTLY SHOWING AN
ORSON WELLES FILM FESTIVAL.

ORSON WELLES WAS THE
VOICE-OVER NARRATOR...

OF A FILM CALLED THE MAN
WHO COULD SEE TOMORROW,

A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT...

NOSTRADAMUS.

MR. CHUNG, CAN I HAVE A WORD
WITH YOU JUST FOR A MOMENT?

CERTAINLY. YES, UH,
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS VERY GOOD.

I THOUGHT YOU PROMISED
YOU'D BE AN OBSERVER HERE.

WELL, THAT WAS BEFORE I
REALIZED HOW SIMILAR OUR JOBS ARE.

YOU SEE, BASED ON SOME
VAGUE DETAILS AND NOTIONS,

YOU TRY TO SKETCH
OUT A PERSON'S PAST...

IN ORDER TO IMAGINE
THEIR FUTURE ACTIONS.

DETECTION. DRAMATURGY.

IT'S ALL THE SAME. YEAH.

YOU CAN'T ERASE BLOOD.

"DON'T BE DARK,"
SAY SELFOSOPHISTS.

BUT HOW CAN YOU NOT
BE WHEN YOUR JOB IS TO...

THE AGONY AND HUMILIATION
OF BEING A HUMAN...

IS IN EVERY LINE
I'VE EVER WRITTEN,

AND IT'S WRITTEN
IN EVERY LINE...

ON THE FACE OF FREDERICK BLORK.

GOD, I LOVE HIS FACE...
NOT IN THAT WAY.

NO ONE COULD LOVE
HIS FACE THAT WAY.

IT'S HIDEOUS. BUT BEAUTY IS NOT
ALWAYS FOUND IN THE BEAUTIFUL.

JUST AS SANITY IS NOT
ALWAYS FOUND IN THE INSANE.

THERE'S NOTHING TO CONNECT
RATFINKOVICH'S ASSAILANT...

WITH CHUNG'S
THREATENER, AND YET...

SUCH A FRUSTRATED
REACTION TO THE STORY...

SUGGESTS SOMEONE
UNACCUSTOMED TO INSUBORDINATION.

HIS PROFESSION MIGHT
BE DICTATORIAL IN NATURE...

COMPLETE CONTROL
OVER HIS UNDERLINGS.

A MANAGEMENT
EXECUTIVE OR A FOREMAN...

OR MAYBE A WRITER.

MR. CHUNG IS WRITING.

HE'S NOT TO BE
DISTURBED BY ANYBODY.

McGRANE: BY ANYBODY?

I'M ROCKET McGRANE.

McGRANE PUNCHES NEWTON RIGHT
IN THE BALLS, KNOCKING HIM OUT.

BOY, MY WRITING'S REALLY IMPROVED
SINCE I GOT THIS NEW SOFTWARE.

DISSOLVE TO...

RICO CHUNG'S OFFICE... NIGHT.

IN HIS PALATIAL OFFICE, THE COCKY HACK
CRANKS OUT MORE VENOMOUS FICTION,

CACKLING WITH SNOTTY GLEE.

OHHH.

THIS BOOK WILL BE
THE DEATH OF ME.

I JUST CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE.

WHAT POSSESSED ME TO
WANNA BE A WRITER, ANYWAY?

WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THIS?

WHAT ELSE CAN I DO NOW...

WITH NO OTHER
SKILLS OR ABILITIES?

MY LIFE HAS FIZZLED AWAY.

ONLY TWO OPTIONS LEFT:

SUICIDE... OR BECOME...

A TELEVISION WEATHERMAN.

LIKE TELEVISION WEATHERMEN,

GIVING INFORMATION ONE COULD GATHER
SIMPLY BY LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW,

FORENSIC PROFILERS PROVIDE
LITTLE OF PRACTICAL VALUE.

MR. BLORK, HOWEVER,

NOT ONLY INTUITS
SPECIFIC DETAILS...

BUT TO BETTER COMPREHEND
A PARTICULAR PATHOLOGY,

HE'S WILLING TO SUBMIT
HIMSELF TO THAT VERY MADNESS.

AND UTILIZING THESE
COPYRIGHTED TECHNIQUES...

WILL HELP BRIGHTEN THE
DARKNESS OF YOUR MIND.

LET US NOW TRY AN EASY
VISUALIZATION THERAPY.

ARE YOU READY? YEAH.

GOOD.

PICTURE IN YOUR MIND...

SOMETHING YOU'VE SEEN
RECENTLY THAT DISTURBED YOU.

IT CAN BE A STAIN ON
YOUR FAVORITE SHIRT...

OR A SCRATCH ON YOUR NEW CAR.

JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TRY
TO PICTURE AN UNPLEASANT IMAGE.

HAVE YOU PICTURED AN IMAGE?

GOOD. NOW PICTURE A
DEFLATED BEACH BALL.

INFLATE THIS BEACH BALL
WITH YOUR DISTURBING IMAGE.

NOW, PUSH THIS DARK
BEACH BALL AWAY FROM YOU.

JUST PUSH THAT BALL AND WATCH
IT FLOAT AWAY FROM YOUR MIND.

THAT'S IT. KEEP PUSHING
THAT UNPLEASANTNESS AWAY.

FRANK BLACK.

HEY, FRANK. IT'S GEIBELHOUSE.

I DON'T MEAN TO BE TOO
DOWNBEAT HERE, BUT...

WE GOT ANOTHER DEAD BODY.

THE USHERS SAY IT
WAS HER EX-BOYFRIEND.

THEY TRIED TO STOP HIM, BUT HE
ESCAPED DOWN A SEWAGE DRAINAGE DITCH.

WAS SHE A STUDENT
OF DR. RANDI'S?

YEAH, BUT SHE WAS
AN ENGLISH LIT MAJOR,

WHICH IS WHY SHE WAS
READING CHUNG'S BOOK, I GUESS.

THAT'S THE GUY THERE. THEY
LOOK SO HAPPY TOGETHER.

WELL, SEE, THAT
JUST GOES TO SHOW...

HAPPINESS IS NOT A GIVEN.

YOU GOTTA STRIVE TO
MAINTAIN YOUR UPBEATNESS.

HAVE YOU BEEN READING
SELFOSOPHY BOOKS?

IT'S INVESTIGATIVE RESEARCH.

DON'T BE SO DARK.

WELL, WE POSITIVELY
I.D.'d THE GUY.

NOW, WE JUST HAVE...
WHAT? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S THIS SELFOSOPHY THING.

FRANK, YOU HAVE TO
FOCUS ON YOUR PRIORITIES.

WE'VE STILL GOTTA
TRACK DOWN THIS KILLER...

BEFORE HE ATTACKS HIS THIRD TARGETED
ANTICHRIST AS YOUR PROFILE PREDICTED.

NO, THAT WASN'T MINE... IT WAS CHUNG'S
PROFILE THAT PREDICTED THIS MURDER.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE RECRUIT JOSE
CHUNG TO BE IN THE MILLENNIUM GROUP?

I'VE COME UP WITH A NEW PROFILE.

MY SECRET ADMIRER IS A WRITER.

THAT CONFORMS WITH MY PROFILE.
HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT?

WELL, HE... HE SENT ME
ANOTHER GIFT TODAY.

NOW, READ... READ
THE INSCRIPTION.

UH, "HERE'S WHAT A
REAL WRITER DOES...

"ENLIGHTENS WHILE HE ENTERTAINS.

PLUS, THE MURDER VICTIM IS
A FAMOUS AUTHOR. HINT, HINT."

ONLY THE WRITER WOULD SEND THAT.

A WRITER NEEDS EVERYBODY TO READ AND LOVE
HIS WORK, EVEN PEOPLE HE WANTS TO KILL.

THIS WAS WRITTEN BY ONAN GOOPTA.

GHOSTWRITTEN AND
"GHOSTBOUGHT" BY SELFOSOPHISTS.

ON A REGULAR BASIS, THEY GO INTO STORES AND
BUY MULTIPLE COPIES OF GOOPTA'S BOOKS...

JUST SO THEY LAND ON
THE BEST-SELLER LIST.

IT'S SO BRILLIANT. YOU
KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING...

OF CREATING MY OWN ARMY
OF SURPLUS-BOOK BUYERS.

FRANK, COME JOIN ME.

MR. CHUNG, THE CONTINUATION
OF YOUR THREATENERS...

YOU KNOW, MAYBE
HE'LL BE THERE TONIGHT.

BE WHERE TONIGHT?

OH, I'M DOING A SIGNING
AT BARTLEBY'S BOOKS.

MR. CHUNG, YOU'RE ALREADY
COURTING DISASTER BY STAYING HERE,

LET ALONE MAKING A
PUBLIC APPEARANCE.

MONSIEUR NOIR, UNLIKE
SERIAL-KILLER PROFILING,

WRITING IS A VERY DEPRESSING
AND LONELY PROFESSION.

ANY CHANCE I GET TO MAKE CONTACT
WITH MY READERS, I MUST TAKE.

IT GIVES ME THE WILL TO GO ON.

♪♪

THIS IS HOW IT WILL ALL END.

NOT WITH FLOODS,
EARTHQUAKES, FALLING COMETS...

OR GIGANTIC CRABS
ROAMING THE EARTH.

NO. DOOMSDAY WILL START...

SIMPLY OUT OF INDIFFERENCE.

I'M SORRY. I GUESS
I'M A LITTLE BITTER...

BECAUSE NOBODY CAME FOR
ME TO SIGN MY FREAKIN' BOOKS!

IF YOU DON'T MIND MY ASKING... YOU'RE
WRITING A BOOK ABOUT THE MILLENNIUM,

AND YET YOU DON'T BELIEVE
IN ANY OF THE PROPHESIES.

AT THE START OF THE '90s,

THEY PREDICTED MAJOR
BREAKTHROUGHS FOR THE NEUROSCIENCES.

"THE DECADE OF THE BRAIN,"
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

INSTEAD, IT WAS THE DECADE OF...

BODY PIERCING.

NOW, WHY SHOULD THE MILLENNIUM
PREDICTIONS BE ANY MORE ACCURATE?

BUT THERE'S THE RELIGIOUS COMPONENT.
DO YOU NOT BELIEVE IN GOD, EITHER?

OH, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I'VE
BEEN, YES, A DEVOUT BELIEVER.

AND OTHER TIMES, I, UH,
HAVE BEEN A STAUNCH ATHEIST.

AND SOMETIMES, I'VE BEEN BOTH...

DURING THE COURSE
OF THE SAME SEXUAL ACT.

DON'T BE DARK. OH.

PERSONALLY, I THINK THIS IS A VERY
SIGNIFICANT TIME IN MANKIND'S HISTORY.

BUT THAT'S WHAT EVERY MAN THROUGHOUT
HISTORY HAS SAID ABOUT HIS TIME.

LOOK AT ALL THESE BOOKS.

SO MUCH SIGNIFICANCE.

BUT WILL THEY STILL EXIST A
THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW?

ONE, MAYBE TWO WRITERS
WILL STILL BE READ.

CAN YOU NAME THE TWO?

WELL, SHAKESPEARE
AND... THAT'S ONE.

SHAKESPEARE AND CHUNG. OH.

NO. THANK YOU.

NO. SHAKESPEARE AND GOOPTA.

GOOPTA? SELFOSOPHISTS
HAVE GONE TO GREAT LENGTHS...

TO SAFEGUARD THE ETERNAL
CIRCULATION OF HIS WRITING.

THEY MAY NOT BE READ BY THE
END OF THE NEXT MILLENNIUM,

BUT THEY STILL CERTAINLY,
CERTAINLY WILL LITERALLY EXIST.

HOW THE HELL WOULD THEY
PRESERVE THESE FOR THAT LONG?

IF I TOLD YOU, I WOULD
HAVE TO KILL YOU.

HOW I WISH THAT WAS A JOKE.

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T READ
MORE OF YOUR BOOKS.

OH. I'M SORRY I HAD TO CUT YOU AND
YOUR GROUP OUT OF MY NEW BOOK.

YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GONNA
WRITE ABOUT... YOU CUT US OUT?

WELL, I JUST DIDN'T FEEL YOU
WERE MILLENNIUMISTIC ENOUGH.

AHHH.

"THERE WAS THE 37th MURDER
BY THE SAME SERIAL KILLER,

"BUT NO ONE KNEW WHO
HE WAS OR WHY HE KILLED.

"ONE THING'S FOR SURE... HE HAD TONS
OF UNRESOLVED PERSONAL PROBLEMS.

"THE VICTIM WAS A FAMOUS
WRITER, BUT THE COPS

DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE
WHY HE'D BEEN TARGETED.

THE MOOD WAS
VERY BLEAK, UNTIL..."

BOYS, BOYS, BOYS. LIGHTEN UP!

THIS IS A HOMICIDE,
NOT A FUNERAL.

McGRANE. THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

- WE GOT A REAL UGLY CASE.
- WANNA VIEW THE BODY?

IS THERE BLOOD? HIS TRACHEA WAS
RIPPED OUT. OF COURSE THERE'S BLOOD.

THEN THANKS, BUT NO
THANKS. WHATEVER GOES

INTO THE PEEPERS ENDS
UP IN THE NEUROBIOLOGY.

I ONLY LOOK AT THINGS
THAT ARE PRETTY.

SAY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OVER TO
MY APARTMENT AND TAKE MY PORTRAIT?

BRING A WIDE-ANGLE LENS.

BUT YOU JUST CAN'T CLOSE YOUR EYES TO
THE DARKNESS, TO THE BLEAK SIDE OF LIFE.

HYAH! OOH!

I'M ROCKY McGRANE, AND I DO WHATEVER
I WANT TO MAINTAIN MY "UPBEATNESS."

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S ALL WELL AND
GOOD, BUT WE GOT A MURDER TO SOLVE.

THIS CASE IS A PIECE OF CAKE
WITH ICE CREAM ON THE SIDE.

- ARE YOU GONNA USE
YOUR SPECIAL PROFILING POWERS?
- I DON'T NEED TO!

I KNOW WHAT KILLED THIS
WRITER. HIS OWN BAD WRITING!

HE WROTE DOWNBEAT STORIES ABOUT
DEPRESSED PEOPLE DOING DARK THINGS.

WHO WANTS THAT?

PEOPLE DON'T WANNA KNOW
HOW ROTTEN MANKIND IS!

THEY WANNA BE ENLIGHTENED
WHILE THEY'RE BEING ENTERTAINED.

THAT'S WHAT REAL
WRITERS DO... TO SERVE MAN.

WATTS.

PETER, CALL GEIBELHOUSE AND MEET
ME AT JOSE CHUNG'S HOTEL ROOM... NOW.

ONE OF HIS TITLES
IS TO SERVE MAN.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GONNA
TELL ME IT'S A COOKBOOK.

IT IS THE BOOK THE GIRL IN
THE THEATER WAS READING.

CHUNG IS THE KILLER'S
THIRD ANTICHRIST.

OHHH.

ROCKET McGRANE, I PRESUME.

WRITING MORE BLASPHEMY
ABOUT SELFOSOPHY?

I'M TRYING TO, BUT IT'S
AWFULLY NOISY IN HERE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
EXACTLY HOW I IMAGINED YOU.

AS ARE YOU.

ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T EXPECT
SUCH A FLAIR FOR THE DRAMATIC.

HMM. CRANKY, MISERABLE.

SARCASTICALLY BITTER.

I'M ALWAYS GROUCHY
WHEN FACING A DEADLINE.

MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU CALL THEM A "DEADLINE."

YOU MIGHT REACT MORE
POSITIVELY TO THEM...

IF YOU CALLED THEM A
"LIVELINE" OR A "BIRTHLINE."

IF YOU'RE HERE TO KILL ME, FINE.

BUT PLEASE REFRAIN FROM
MURDERING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

OH, WELL, I'M PRETTY HANDY
WITH THE LANGUAGE MYSELF.

IN FACT, MAYBE I'LL CREATE A
NEW DEFINITION FOR "DEADLINE."

TOO LATE! I'M DONE.

HMM.

AS IF I'D ALLOW YOU TO
PUBLISH OUR SECRETS,

TO RIDICULE ALL OUR BELIEFS.

IT'S NOT JUST YOUR BELIEFS.

I RIDICULE A WHOLE
BUNCH OF OTHER BELIEFS.

WHY? WHY BRING PAIN TO PEOPLE...

WHO ARE TRYING TO WIPE AWAY
THEIR PAIN AND FIND TRUE HAPPINESS?

IF I USED YOUR THERAPIES TO
WIPE AWAY MY PAIN, I'D DISAPPEAR.

AND IF MY RIGHT TO CHOOSE
AMUSEMENT WHEREVER I WANT,

IF THAT WERE WIPED
AWAY TOO, I'D DIE.

OH, YOU'LL DIE, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

SAY THAT LINE OUT OF
THE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH.

YOU'LL DIE, ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS ALL JUST A
LARK TO YOU, ISN'T IT?

CERTAINLY NOT.

HUMORLESS PEOPLE LIKE
YOU SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME.

BUT I'VE DEVELOPED A
FEW THERAPIES OF MY OWN.

I'VE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE...

THE PREPOSTEROUSNESS
OF ANY PROFUNDITY.

AND IN MY DISTRESS,

I AM ABLE TO FIND THE
SMALLEST, MOST ABSURD DETAIL.

YES. AS IF GOD WERE LOOKING DOWN, WINKING
AT ME AND LETTING ME IN ON THE JOKE.

WELL, MY GOD DOESN'T WINK.

MM. DON'T I KNOW IT.

I ONCE KNEW YOUR GOD.

HE WORSHIPPED ME.

HE THOUGHT I WAS
A LITERARY GENIUS...

AND I WAS, THEN.

BUT THEN HE ASKED
ME WHAT I THOUGHT...

OF HIS WRITING.

AND I TOLD HIM.

"GOOPTA, YOU STINK."

BECAUSE HE DID!

I NEVER SAW A MAN
OTHER THAN MYSELF...

A GROWN MAN... CRY
SO HARD FOR SO LONG.

I PUT MY ARM AROUND HIM. I SAID, "IT
DOESN'T MATTER THAT I DON'T LIKE YOUR WORK.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER. WHAT
MATTERS IS THAT YOU ENJOY DOING IT.

YOU MUST DO WHAT
MAKES YOU HAPPY."

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WHAT WOULD MAKE
HIM HAPPY WOULD BE TO BE A DEITY! OH-HO!

SO, YOU ARE HERE TO KILL ME,

BECAUSE I ONCE TOLD GOD...

TO NOT BE DARK.

ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

SO FEEL FREE TO USE
YOUR ONAN-O-GRAPH...

AND YOUR THERAPIES,

IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES
TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

AND I TRULY MEAN THIS:

GOOD LUCK TO YOU, BUDDY.

BUT PLEASE ALLOW ME...

TO WALLOW IN MY
OWN MISERY IN PEACE.

AND IF I SHOULD LOOK UP
FROM MY DOWNBEAT ABYSS...

AND FIND YOU TO BE A FOOL,

THAT'S NO RIGHT FOR YOU TO
COMMIT UPON ME A FOOLISH ACT.

NO. WRONG IS WRONG.

HAPPY IS HAPPY.
DEATH IS... INEVITABLE.

I BELIEVE McGRANE
WOULD CALL THIS...

A DIVERSIONARY TACTIC.

WHO THE HELL'S THIS?

THE SELFOSOPHY PSYCHO.

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- UH-HUH.

DIE, YOU DARK BASTARD.

ALL RIGHT! MY GUN JAMMED.

MAYBE IT'LL READ BETTER
ALL JUMBLED UP LIKE THIS.

A THIRD ANTICHRIST
DESTROYED TO SERVE MAN!

HELL'S BELLS.

HEY! DON'T TRY IT! YOU'LL
NEVER MAKE IT ACROSS.

NOT WITH THAT NEGATIVE
ATTITUDE, I WON'T.

NO!

OHHH.

GEIBELHOUSE!

- IS THAT YOU, FRANK?
- YEAH.

- WHO IS THIS?
- THE SELFOSOPHY PSYCHO.

HE TRIED TO GET AWAY.
LOOKING REALLY DOWNBEAT.

HEY, FRANK! THANKS FOR THE TIP!

THE BOYS JUST CAUGHT THE GUY
COMING OUT THE FRONT. WHAT GUY?

THE NOSTRADAMUS NUTBALL!

FRANK.

FR-FRANK?

WHAT?

DON'T YOU JU... JUST
LOVE THAT MUSTACHE?

YEAH. IT'S...

WELL, ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.

THOUGH, THAT'S EASY
FOR SHAKESPEARE TO SAY.

HE'LL BE AROUND FOR
ANOTHER MILLENNIUM.

BUT WHAT OF OUR OWN MILLENNIUM?

WILL IT ALL END WELL? NO
ONE, OF COURSE, CAN KNOW.

BUT THAT, OF COURSE, DOESN'T
STOP ANYONE FROM GUESSING.

AND THE NATURE OF THESE PREDICTIONS
ALWAYS REVOLVE AROUND THE USUAL SUSPECTS...

SALVATION AND/OR
SELF-SATISFACTION.

WITH THAT IN MIND, I HUMBLY
ADD MY OWN PROPHESY...

OF WHAT THE DAWN OF THE NEW
MILLENNIUM SHALL BRING FORTH:

ONE THOUSAND MORE YEARS...

OF THE SAME OLD CRAP.

I MADE THIS!