Millennium (1996–1999): Season 2, Episode 21 - Somehow, Satan Got Behind Me - full transcript
Four devils gather at a donut shop and swap stories about their dealings with mankind.
♪♪
WHAT THE HELL?
HUH.
HEY, KID.
COFFEE AND AN APPLE FRITTER.
I'M BREWING UP A FRESH
POT, SIR, AND THE APPLE
FRITTERS NEED A FEW
MINUTES TO COOL DOWN.
KID, IF I WANTED YOUR LIFE STORY,
I WOULD'VE BOUGHT THE BOOK.
COFFEE AND AN
APPLE FRITTER. NOW.
SIR, THEY'RE NOT READY JUST
YET. I-I HAVE SOME DECAF BREWED.
WHY WOULD I, OR ANYBODY
IN THEIR RIGHT MIND,
VOLUNTARILY DRINK DECAF, HUH?
ALL RIGHT, TELL ME
WHEN IT'S READY.
AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, KID.
SOME OF US ACTUALLY
WORK FOR A LIVING.
EVERY MORNING, THE SAME
THING. BITTER OLD FART.
WELL, HE WANTS BITTER?
I'LL GIVE HIM BITTER.
I ASK YOU, WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO "THE CUSTOMER'S ALWAYS RIGHT"?
THAT WENT OUT WITH AUTOMATS.
YEAH. YOU'RE LIVIN'
IN THE PAST, DADDY-O.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
YOU? IS SOMETHIN' WRONG?
SORTA.
I HAVE THIS...
WHOA! WHOA, WHOA. I DIDN'T
SAY ANYTHING ABOUT SHARING.
UM, SIR? YOUR ORDER'S READY.
THANK YOU.
HEY!
THIS FRITTER HASN'T COOLED
DOWN ENOUGH YET, DAMN IT.
HUH.
HEY, MAYBE I'M OLD-FASHIONED,
BUT I TELL YA, THINGS
DIDN'T USED TO BE THIS WAY.
- AHH.
- BURN YOUR TONGUE?
NO.
THAT KID PEED IN MY COFFEE.
YEAH!
ANYONE CARE TO MAKE A LITTLE
WAGER ON THE BIG FIGHT TONIGHT?
DOES BOXING STILL HAVE THAT
STANDING EIGHT-COUNT RULE?
YEAH.
MIGHT AS WELL BE
WATCHING A PILLOW FIGHT.
I LOST ALL INTEREST IN THE SWEET
SCIENCE WHEN KID McCOY RETIRED.
AH, THE REAL McCOY.
WHO? WORLD
MIDDLEWEIGHT CHAMPION.
AND INVENTOR OF THE
INFAMOUS CORKSCREW PUNCH.
WOULD TEAR THE FLESH
RIGHT OFF HIS OPPONENTS.
YEAH!
HE WAS ALSO CONVICTED DURING ONE OF
THIS CENTURY'S "TRIALS OF THE CENTURY"...
OF KILLING HIS MARRIED LOVER
AND SHOOTING THREE OTHER PEOPLE.
I STILL LOVE THAT LINE
IN THE SUICIDE NOTE:
"I CAN'T ENDURE THIS WORLD'S
MADNESS ANY LONGER."
A FIGHTER AND A
PHILOSOPHER, HUH?
BUT THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT'S MISSING...
FROM THIS BLAND DAY AND AGE...
PERSONALITIES, CHARACTERS,
INDIVIDUALS WITH AN
INSPIRATIONAL FLAIR.
FOR EXAMPLE,
A WHILE BACK I WAS OUT WANDERING
ON THE OLD COUNTRY HIGHWAY.
I WAS JUST LOOKING
FOR, UH... I DON'T KNOW,
A NEW SORT OF TITILLATION.
ALL I FOUND WAS
THE SAME OLD THING.
WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING OUT
HERE BY YOUR LONESOME, OLD-TIMER?
WAITING FOR A RIDE.
YEAH? YOU BEEN WAITING LONG?
SO MANY CARS PASSED
BY, I LOST COUNT.
YEAH, PEOPLE ARE RELUCTANT TO
PICK UP HITCHHIKERS THESE DAYS.
IN ANCIENT TIMES, THE GREEKS
ALWAYS HAD TO HELP VAGABONDS...
BECAUSE THEY NEVER KNEW IF THE BEGGAR
MIGHT BE ONE OF THEIR GODS IN DISGUISE.
I GUESS NOWADAYS IT JUST
SEEMS SAFER TO ASSUME...
THAT EVERY STRANGER IS A DEVIL.
IT COULD BE A SERIAL
KILLER, OR WORSE.
SO HOW'D YOU KNOW I'M NOT?
YOU DIDN'T STRIKE ME AS
THE SERIAL KILLER TYPE, POPS.
YOU'RE AN EXPERT ON
SERIAL KILLERS, ARE YOU?
OH, NO, I'M NOT AN
EXPERT OR ANYTHING.
BUT I DO ACTUALLY SPEND A LOT OF MY
SPARE TIME READING TRUE CRIME BOOKS.
AH! TRUE CRIME BOOKS!
YEAH!
EXACTLY.
WELL, YOU SEE WHERE
THIS STORY IS HEADED.
AS IT TURNED OUT, THE KID NOT ONLY
HAD AN INTEREST IN SERIAL KILLERS,
HE ONCE MADE CONTACT WITH ONE.
THIS WAS MADE IN PRISON
BY JOHNNIE MACK POTTER,
THE MOST PROLIFIC
MURDERER IN AMERICA.
HE WAS CONVICTED
OF KILLING 36 PEOPLE.
HOW'D YOU GET AHOLD OF THAT?
WELL, JOHNNIE MACK POTTER USED TO BE
THE JANITOR AND MASCOT AT MY OLD SCHOOL.
ROOSEVELT HIGH RED DEVILS?
HE WAS CAUGHT THE YEAR BEFORE
I ATTENDED, SO I NEVER MET HIM,
BUT EVERY DAY I'D WALK
DOWN THOSE HALLWAYS,
I COULDN'T HELP
BUT THINK TO MYSELF,
"WOW, A SERIAL KILLER
ONCE CLEANED THESE."
"WOW" IS RIGHT.
SO I WROTE TO HIM IN PRISON,
AND HE SENT ME
THIS DEVIL DOOHICKEY.
BUT HERE I AM, PROBABLY BORING
YOU WITH ALL THIS KILLER TALK.
HEY, THAT'S JOHNNIE MACK
POTTER IN HIS OLD MASCOT UNIFORM.
HOW'D YOU GET THAT?
I'M A MURDER MEMORABILIA
COLLECTOR MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, IT'S KINDA NEAT TO BE ABLE TO
TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF...
AND NOT FEEL LIKE A SICKO.
TELL ME, PERRY,
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU POSSESS THIS
MORBID FASCINATION WITH SERIAL KILLERS?
WELL,
I'LL BE HONEST WITH
YOU... I DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T THINK IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO
WITH THE FACT THAT YOU YOURSELF POSSESS...
SO MANY CHARACTERISTICS OF
THE PROTOTYPICAL SERIAL KILLER?
- WHAT?
- WHITE, MALE, IN HIS 20s.
THE ABUSED PRODUCT
OF A BROKEN HOME,
WHO SPENT HIS YOUTH STARTING
FIRES AND/OR TORTURING ANIMALS.
AN EARLY ADDICTION TO
DRUGS AND/OR ALCOHOL.
AN INABILITY TO HOLD A STEADY
JOB OR A RELATIONSHIP WITH WOMEN.
SPENDING ALL YOUR FREE TIME...
DREAMING ABOUT TURNING YOUR MASOCHISTIC
MUTILATION SEX FANTASIES INTO REALITY.
TO SAY NOTHING OF THE
FACT THAT YOU DRIVE A VAN...
AND KEEP A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE
IN YOUR GLOVE COMPARTMENT!
HOW THE HELL DID...
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?
PLAY THE HAND YOU'VE BEEN DEALT.
GOOD LORD! DON'T TELL
ME THAT'S ALL IT TOOK.
YOU KNOW, WE WERE SO ENVIOUS...
WHEN MAN WAS GIVEN FREE WILL.
BUT WHAT HAS IT BROUGHT THEM?
THE BELIEF THAT THEIR
LIVES ARE DETERMINED...
BY EVERYTHING OTHER
THAN THEIR OWN WILL.
AND THE RIGHT TO VOTE.
UH-HUH.
WAIT A MINUTE. I'M CONFUSED.
YOU MEAN, THE MAN BECAME A
SERIAL KILLER BECAUSE... YES.
JUST BECAUSE.
HIS FIRST VICTIM WAS A
PROSTITUTE, AS WAS TO BE EXPECTED.
I WAS A LITTLE CONCERNED THAT HIS
INITIAL REACTION WAS A TAD OVERSENSITIVE.
DON'T WORRY, KID. IT'S
LIKE YOUR FIRST BEER.
YOU NOT ONLY GET USED TO IT, BUT EVENTUALLY
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM AS GOOD WITHOUT IT.
I WANT TO BECOME...
THE MOST PROLIFIC
SERIAL KILLER...
IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY.
HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE MOST
COLORFUL KILLER, OR THE MOST WEIRD.
HE JUST WANTED TO BREAK JOHNNIE
MACK POTTER'S RECORD TO BE NUMBER ONE.
QUANTITY, NOT QUALITY. HA.
HIS "ORIGINALITY" BEGAN
AND ENDED WITH PROSTITUTES.
HE KILLED ANOTHER
ONE THAT VERY NIGHT.
THEN IT WAS PROSTITUTE
AFTER PROSTITUTE.
EHH, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.
ONE NIGHT I DID MANAGE TO INJECT
SOME IRONY INTO HIS BLANDNESS.
I TALKED HIM INTO ATTACKING A
SELF-PROCLAIMED DEVIL WORSHIPPER.
SATAN!
SAVE ME!
SATAN, SAVE ME! PLEASE!
NO!
SATAN!
SAVE ME!
"SATAN, SAVE ME!"
YEAH, I BET THERE WAS NO
DIVINE INTERVENTION THERE, HUH?
UNFORTUNATELY,
THAT VERY NEXT NIGHT HE WAS
RIGHT BACK TO PROSTITUTES.
SO CLICHÉD WAS THIS GUY THAT HE OFTEN
RETURNED TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THAT'S
WHAT KILLERS SUPPOSEDLY DO.
LOOKS LIKE THEY
FOUND VICTIM NUMBER 36.
ONE MORE, AND I TOP
JOHNNIE MACK POTTER.
THEN I BECOME THE
SERIAL-KILLING CHAMP.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GET T-SHIRTS PRINTED UP.
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT
DID THIS MAN LOOK LIKE?
I KNOW HOW TERRIBLE
THIS IS GONNA SOUND, BUT
THEY ALL LOOK PRETTY
MUCH THE SAME TO ME.
EHH! OHH!
BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, THIS MAN REACTED LIKE
HE HAD CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF MY TRUE ESSENCE.
IMPOSSIBLE. IT'S
NOT IN THEIR NATURE.
ALL RIGHT, SO MY STORY'S
A LITTLE OUT THERE.
GO WITH IT.
IN ANY CASE,
HAVING SEEN THIS WEIRD GUY AND
BEING SO BORED WITH MY KILLER,
I FIGURED ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.
AFTER THEY GOT THE FINGERPRINTS
OFF IT, IT DIDN'T TAKE THEM LONG.
FREEZE! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
MR. BLURK? MR. BLURK!
OF COURSE, I WAS
NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
LATER, HE TOLD THE POLICE THAT I WAS
THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MURDERS.
THEY'RE ALWAYS
BLAMING OTHERS. YEAH.
BUT THE CRIMINAL
PSYCHOLOGIST DEDUCED...
THAT THE ELDERLY HITCHHIKER
DIDN'T ACTUALLY EXIST...
AND WAS MERELY ONE SEGMENT
OF THE KILLER'S SPLIT PERSONALITY.
SO AFTER SOME TIME HAD PASSED,
AND I FELT IT WAS
THE RIGHT TIME,
I SENT MY KILLER COMPANION...
A FRIENDLY LITTLE
NOTE OF ADVICE.
- AND DID HE DO IT?
- HE GAVE IT
THE OLD COLLEGE TRY.
TOO BAD HE HAD NEVER
GONE TO COLLEGE.
BUT THEN IT WAS REALLY
ALL FOR NOTHING, WASN'T IT?
YOU DIDN'T ACHIEVE
TOTAL CLOSURE.
WELL, IT'S MY ATTITUDE...
THAT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO
SACRIFICE SELF-SATISFACTION...
FOR A SENSE OF POETIC JUSTICE.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS
WHY JOHNNIE MACK POTTER...
REMAINS THE REIGNING
AND STILL UNDISPUTED...
SERIAL-KILLING CHAMPION.
HELLO?
IS THIS THE HELM RESIDENCE?
UH... YES, IT IS.
MAY I PLEASE SPEAK TO MR. HELM?
THIS IS HIM. WHAT'S
HAPPENING? WHAT'S THE MATTER?
NOTHING'S THE MATTER, SIR.
UNLESS YOU'RE BEING OVERCHARGED
BY YOUR LONG-DISTANCE PHONE COMPANY.
MAY I ASK WHICH
CURRENT SERVICE YOU USE?
WH... W-WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT'S TIME TO START SAVING OVER 30
PERCENT ON YOUR LONG-DISTANCE CALLS.
NOW, IF YOU'LL
SIGN UP WITH US...
I DON'T LIKE WORKING
WITH SERIAL KILLERS MYSELF.
IF THEY GET CAUGHT,
THEY END UP ON DEATH ROW,
WHICH IS THE ONLY PLACE WHERE
HUMANS CAN STILL FIND GOD.
THE TROUBLE WITH SERIAL
KILLERS IS, THEY'RE TOO EVIL.
WELL, HEY, IF YOU'RE
AFRAID OF 'EM...
THAT'S NOT WHAT I
MEANT, AND YOU KNOW IT.
WHAT DID YOU MEAN?
THEIR EVIL IS TOO CONSPICUOUS.
WHEN PEOPLE HEAR
ABOUT SOME PSYCHO KILLER,
IT CAN LEAD THEM TO THINKING
ABOUT THE NATURE OF EVIL,
WHICH LEADS TO THOUGHTS ABOUT
RIGHT OR WRONG, OR BAD OR GOOD.
ALL THAT THINKING CAN GET UGLY.
YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT 'EM
CONSIDERING CRAP LIKE THAT.
YOU JUST WANT 'EM TO GO THROUGH
THE ROUTINE OF LIVING THEIR LIVES.
THEN WHAT DO YOU
DO TO GUT THEIR SOULS?
I DON'T DO SQUAT ANYMORE.
THEY DO IT ALL FOR YOU.
I'M NOT SURE I'M FOLLOWING.
MANKIND...
HAS PROGRESSED TO A POINT
IN ITS DIMWITTED HISTORY...
WHERE LIFE HAS BEEN DRAINED
OF ALL ITS ENCHANTMENT.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS
SIT BACK AND ENJOY.
I MEAN, I ASK YOU...
WHAT EVIL GENIUS
INVENTED THE ALARM CLOCK?
NO OTHER CREATURE BUT
MAN COULD CONCOCT A DEVICE...
THAT INTERRUPTS,
ON A DAILY BASIS,
THEIR ONLY NATURAL
STATE OF HAPPINESS.
AND NO DOUBT THE
EVIL GENIUS'S EVIL TWIN...
CONTRIBUTED THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
NO MORE.
I BEG YOU.
OTHER HUMAN
INSTRUMENTS OF TORTURE...
THE RACK, THE IRON MAIDEN...
ARE NO MATCH FOR
THEIR MODERN VERSION.
STOP!
USED IN A REGIMEN OF
SELF-INFLICTED SUFFERING...
ALL IN THE NAME OF
VANITY AND ROCK-HARD ABS.
OW. OW.
THEIR EFFORTS TO DISTANCE
THEMSELVES FROM THEIR ANIMAL NATURES...
ONLY SHOW WHAT DUMB
BEASTS THEY TRULY ARE.
OW.
OW. OW. OW.
NOT ONLY REQUIRED TO
COVER THEIR GOD-GIVEN BODIES,
THEY ALSO TIE A SUPERFLUOUS, CONSTRICTING
PIECE OF CLOTH AROUND THEIR NECKS...
FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.
I FAIL TO SEE HOW ANY OF THIS
LEADS THEM TO ETERNAL DAMNATION.
WELL, THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.
THEY FAIL TO SEE IT TOO BECAUSE THEY THINK
THEY'RE LIVING A SO-CALLED NORMAL LIFE.
AND YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA THE
TORMENTS THEY'LL PUT THEMSELVES THROUGH...
FOR THE SAKE OF SUCH A LIFE.
THEY'LL SPEND A THIRD OF EVERY
DAY AT A PLACE THEY CAN'T STAND,
DOIN' STUFF THEY DON'T WANNA DO,
ALL IN THE NAME
OF EARNING A LIVING.
I'VE SEEN PUNISHMENTS
IN HELL LESS SEVERE.
WHEN NOT AT WORK,
THEIR FREE TIME IS SPENT IN
SERVITUDE PERFORMING MENIAL CHORES,
NONE OF WHICH COULD
BE CALLED LIFE-AFFIRMING.
AS A WISE DEVIL ONCE SAID,
"ALL ROADS TO HELL LEAD THROUGH
COIN-OPERATED LAUNDROMATS."
YOU SEEM TO BE FORGETTING ONE LITTLE
THING IN THIS METHOD OF YOURS... SIN.
I CHOOSE TO FORGET IT
BECAUSE HUMANS HAVE AS WELL.
OH, BROTHER.
I DON'T MEAN THEY STOPPED
COMMITTIN' SINS. JUST THE OPPOSITE.
♪♪ ♪ OOOH ♪
♪ OOH, OHHH, SEXY ♪
THEY SIN SO OFTEN,
IT'S JUST BECOME ANOTHER
PART OF THEIR ROUTINE.
AND WHATEVER PASSION FIRST
COMPELLED THEM TO COMMIT SUCH ACTS...
HAS LONG SINCE PASSED AWAY.
YEAH. GO, BABY, GO.
DO IT.
SHAKE THAT THING.
♪ WHOA-OHH-OHH ♪♪
YEAH. YEAH. OOH.
DO IT. DO IT.
TAKE IT OFF.
TAKE IT ALL OFF.
♪♪
DO IT.
DO IT.
EVEN THEIR LESS GUILTY PLEASURES
ARE LESS THAN PLEASURES.
♪♪ SCATTERED
SNOW SW... EVERYONE...
FRIENDLY AMOEBA...
- YEE-HAH!
- NEXT ON DOG TV...
UM... AM I MISSING SOMETHING?
YEAH.
HAVING HIM FALL ASLEEP
IS NOT QUITE THE SAME...
AS HAVING HIM FALL INTO
THE FIERY PITS OF HELL.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT TO RUIN THEM
IF YOU DON'T INTERACT WITH THEM?
OH, EVERY ONCE IN A
WHILE I INTERACT WITH THEM.
BUT NOTHING TOO EVIL.
MINOR IRRITATIONS
ARE ALL YOU NEED.
AND I FIND THE
BEST IRRITATIONS...
UTILIZE THEIR OWN MANMADE LAWS.
HEY, I JUST PARKED THERE.
AH, TELL IT TO THE JUDGE.
HEY, WHAT'S WITH THIS TICKET?
THE METER HASN'T EVEN RUN OUT.
COULD THIS BE THE SAME
GUY THAT SAW BLURK?
NO, HE WASN'T REACTING
TO MY INNER ESSENCE.
ALL HUMANS LOOK HORRIFIED WHEN
CONFRONTING AN AUTHORITY FIGURE.
HEY, DID THIS GUY LOOK,
UH, DEPRESSED? WHY?
I READ AN ARTICLE ABOUT PEOPLE
USING THIS HERB, ST. JOHN'S WORT,
TO CURE DEPRESSION.
BACK IN THE MIDDLE AGES, HUMANS WERE USING
THIS STUFF AND CLAIMING TO SEE DEVILS.
AH, OLD WIVES' TALES.
EHH, STILL...
DOES THIS GUY LOOK LIKE HE MIGHT
BE USING THIS ST. JOHN'S WORT?
GREB, THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE
HE NEEDED A VAT OF THE STUFF.
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT THEY TAKE.
IT'S NOT IN THEIR
NATURE TO SEE US.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THEIR NATURES?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DAMN THEM.
I JUST TOLD YOU.
YOU SIMPLY LET THEM GO THROUGH
THE ROUTINE OF LIVING THEIR LIVES...
AS THEY SEE FIT.
UNTIL THEY REALIZE...
THEIR LIVES ARE UNFIT TO LIVE.
AND IT NEVER
CEASES TO AMUSE ME...
HOW THESE IDIOTS ONLY LEARN TO
APPRECIATE THE GLORIOUS FREEDOM OF LIFE...
JUST WHEN THEY'RE TAKING IT,
AND JUST BEFORE
THEY HIT PAY DIRT.
AAAH!
WELL, IF YOU ASK ME,
SUBTLETY IS FOR
CLOSET HOMOSEXUALS.
WHAT'S THAT CRACK
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I JUST FIND YOUR
LAISSEZ-FAIRE STYLE...
TO BE AS LAME AND TEDIOUS AS
THE SOULS YOU'RE DESTROYING.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING A
DEVIL IF YOU CAN'T HAVE A LITTLE FUN?
I'M AFRAID I'M FAMILIAR WITH YOUR METHODS,
AND I FIND THEM TO BE CRASS AND UNPOETIC.
YEAH, LIKE AN ATOM BOMB.
AND THAT'S ANOTHER
PLUS WITH MY TECHNIQUE...
MASS DAMNATION.
WHY, I JUST DID A JOB THAT DAMAGED
MILLIONS OF SOULS WITH ONE BIG SHEBANG.
HOW COULD YOU MANAGE THAT?
SIMPLY BY USING THE INSTRUMENT SATAN
HIMSELF CREATED FOR THAT VERY PURPOSE.
CRAP.
ON PAGE SEVEN OF THE SCRIPT,
YOUR USE OF THE WORD "CRAP" IS
UNACCEPTABLE TO BROADCAST STANDARDS.
NO, IT IS ACCEPTABLE
TO USE THE WORD "CRAP,"
BUT ONLY WHEN NOT
REFERRING TO... DEFECATION.
NO, THE USE OF THE WORD
"DEFECATION" IS NOT ACCEPTABLE EITHER.
WE SUGGEST THAT YOU
DO NOT USE ANY WORD TO
DESCRIBE IT AND SIMPLY
CUT THE SCENE ENTIRELY.
NOW, THAT WORD IS
COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.
OH, YOU WERE JUST REACTING,
NOT SUGGESTING. I SEE.
WELL... MY NEXT OBJECTION
BEGINS ON PAGE EIGHT.
EVERY NETWORK HAS A CENSOR, NO.
A GUARDIAN OF MORAL
RECTITUDE... NO. NO. NO.
WHOSE JOB IS TO
ENSURE... NO. NO.
THE VIEWING PUBLIC IS NOT CORRUPTED BY
UNACCEPTABLE SCENES OF SEX, VIOLENCE...
NO. NO. NO. NO. OR ANY OTHER
MISCELLANEOUS VULGARITY.
NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT ALIENS
FROM OUTER SPACE HAVE NO GENITALIA.
THEY STILL HAVE GROINS, AND
THEY SHOULDN'T BE KICKED THERE.
IT IS UNACCEPTABLE!
REVISE OR CUT!
GEEZ, THAT SOUNDS
LIKE ONE CRAPPY JOB.
BUT YOU CAN IMAGINE THE
WEIGHT THEY MUST BEAR.
THE BURDEN OF MAINTAINING A NATION'S
MORALITY ON YOUR VERY SHOULDERS?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? IT'S JUST TV.
AH, BUT YOU'RE FORGETTING...
HOW HUMANS REGARD
EVERYTHING IN THEIR LIVES NOW...
AS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
UNDER THAT CONSTANT PRESSURE,
MAKING 'EM CRACK IS A SNAP.
UNACCEPTABLE.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SHOW A PILE OF
DUNG, IT MUST BE DRY DUNG, NOT MOIST.
WHY? BECAUSE I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES,
AND I BEAR THE BURDEN OF MAINTAINING A
NATION'S MORALITY ON MY VERY SHOULDERS!
♪♪
♪♪
♪ MY WAR ♪
♪ YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪
♪ YOU SAY THAT
YOU'RE MY FRIEND ♪
♪ BUT YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪
♪♪
THIS IS NOT... ACCEPTABLE.
♪ YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GIVE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪♪
BOO! GET OUTTA HERE.
RINKY-DINK KID STUFF.
I'M TELLING YOU.
IT'S VERY EFFECTIVE.
IT'S SO STALE AND OUTDATED. NO.
IT'S VERY MODERN.
YOU SEE, IN THE OLD DAYS, IF
YOU MATERIALIZED BEFORE THEM,
THEY ALL KNEW WHAT
THEY WERE SEEING...
THE EXTERNAL EVIDENCE OF A
DEMON TRYING TO TEMPT THEIR SOUL.
BUT NOWADAYS, THEY
ALL ASSUME IT'S INTERNAL...
A PSYCHOLOGICAL BREAKDOWN...
MANIFESTING ITSELF IN THE
FORM OF A VISUAL HALLUCINATION.
AND YOU CALLED ME LAME. HUH.
THE EFFECTS ARE IMMEDIATE.
ONE QUICK MATERIALIZATION, AND
THEY'RE CONVINCED THEY'RE BONKERS.
- BUT THEN WHAT?
- THEN THEY GO BONKERS.
HMM? HMM?
I ALWAYS ENJOY SEEING HOW
THEIR MADNESS MANIFESTS ITSELF.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
THIS IS ACCEPTABLE.
THIS IS... UNACCEPTABLE.
THIS IS TOTAL PERVERSION.
THIS IS WAY BEYOND ACCEPTABLE.
HIS INSANITY THREW HIM DIRECTLY
INTO THE BELLY OF THE BEAST.
ACCEPTABLE! UNACCEPTABLE!
♪♪ ♪ OOOH ♪
♪ OOH, OOOH ♪
♪ SEXY ♪
♪♪
UH-OH. THIS... THIS
IS BORDERLINE.
NO. UM... NO. I... TH... WE'RE
ON THE BORDER HERE.
NO... OH! WE'RE OVER
THE BORDER HERE.
THIS IS... WE'RE IN... WE'RE INTO
ANOTHER ZONE. AN UNACCEPTABLE ZONE.
NO, THIS IS... NO, I... UN...
♪♪
♪ WHOA-OHH, OH-OHH ♪♪
OH, NO. NO. NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
I AM BROADCAST STANDARDS AND
PRACTICES, AND THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!
REVISE OR CUT!
NO EXCESSIVE USE OF VIOLENCE.
I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES.
NO EXCESSIVE USE OF VIOLENCE!
I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES!
NO EXCESSIVE USE OF VIOLENCE!
YOU'LL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS!
THE FINAL SCENE IS EXCESSIVELY,
GRATUITOUSLY VIOLENT!
ALIENS WOULD NOT CARRY UZIS.
THEY ARE AN INTELLIGENT,
SUPERIOR RACE...
AND WOULD NOT CARRY OR
UTILIZE AUTOMATIC WEAPONS.
I WILL NOT APPROVE THIS!
I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES!
♪♪ ♪ MY WAR YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪
♪ YOU SAY THAT
YOU'RE MY FRIEND ♪
♪ BUT YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪♪
♪♪ WHAT... DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
ENOUGH WORDS.
- TIME FOR ACTION.
- WHAT?
YOU BEAR THE BURDEN OF MAINTAINING A
NATION'S MORALITY ON YOUR VERY SHOULDERS.
YOU MEAN... YES.
KILL THEM ALL.
ENOUGH WORDS.
♪♪
TIME FOR ACTION! YES.
NOW SHUT UP AND DANCE!
♪♪
SEE, THEIR GRASP ON SANITY,
AND THUS THEIR SOULS,
IS PRECARIOUS AT BEST.
I SHOULD SAY SO.
CAMERA MOVE.
OKAY, ALIENS, THREATEN THEM.
I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES!
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! I AM
BROADCAST STANDARDS AND PRACTICES!
NO EXCESSIVE USE OF BLOOD!
NO EXCESSIVE USE OF VIOLENCE!
THIS IS ALL UNACCEPTABLE!
I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES!
EVERYTHING IS UNACCEPTABLE!
EVERYTHING IS UNACCEPTABLE!
IS THAT THING STILL ROLLING?
SIXTY, TAKE THREE. TAIL SLATE.
HEY, THAT'S WHERE
I SAW THAT GUY.
- WHAT GUY?
- THE DEPRESSED-LOOKING GUY
THAT SAW YOU AND ABUM.
HE WAS AT THE AFTERMATH
OF THE ALIEN MASSACRE.
♪♪ ♪ MY WAR YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪
♪ YOU SAY THAT
YOU'RE MY FRIEND ♪
♪ BUT YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪♪
♪♪
BUT, UH, I DON'T
KNOW HOW HE SAW ME.
I WASN'T TRYING TO APPEAR
AS AN HALLUCINATION.
NOW YOU'RE LOSING
YOUR GRASP ON SANITY.
HEY, HOLD ON. NOT SO FAST.
YOU BOASTED THAT THE SOUL THAT YOU
DAMNED ENDED UP DAMNING MILLIONS OF OTHERS.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.
NOT EVERY NETWORK HAS SUCH STRICT
BROADCAST STANDARDS AND PRACTICES.
THESE EXTRATERRESTRIAL
VISITORS NEED TO PHONE HOME...
AND 9-1-1!
WHEN HUMANS ATTACK,
RIGHT AFTER THESE MESSAGES.
HE KNOWS WHAT WE ARE.
THE MAN THAT YOU'VE ALL SEEN,
WHO SEEMS TO SEE US SO CLEARLY,
I'VE SEEN HIM TOO.
HE KNOWS WHAT WE ARE.
I'M TELLING YOU. IT'S AN
IMPOSSIBILITY. HE CAN'T KNOW.
HE TOLD ME HIMSELF.
WHAT? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
THE OTHER DAY. I...
LOOK, I'D RATHER
NOT TALK ABOUT IT.
YOU CAN'T NOT TELL
US. WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S... IT'S PERSONAL.
HOW THE HELL CAN IT BE PERSONAL?
THE DETAILS...
THEY'RE SO TAWDRY AND SORDID.
NOW I MUST INSIST YOU TELL US.
I WAS AT A STRIP JOINT.
♪♪ IT WAS A QUIET NIGHT
AND I WAS JUST BIDING MY TIME,
ON THE LOOKOUT FOR
MY NEXT DAMNABLE SOUL.
♪ HEY-EY-EY-EYYY ♪
IT WAS OBVIOUSLY HIS
FIRST TIME IN SUCH A PLACE,
AND I ALWAYS GET A KICK OUT OF SEEING
SOMEONE'S FIRST TASTE OF FORBIDDEN FRUIT.
♪♪ ♪ OOH ♪
♪ OOOH-OOH, OOH-OOH
OOOH-OOH-OOH-OOH ♪
THIS YOKEL DOESN'T SOUND
ANYTHING LIKE THE MAN WE SAW.
IS EVERYBODY STARTING
TO SEE OUR TRUE ESSENCE?
NO, THIS KID DIDN'T
SEE MY TRUE ESSENCE.
HELL, HE DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME.
HE SAW HIMSELF, HIS
POTENTIAL FUTURE,
AND IT LITERALLY SCARED
THE BEJESUS OUT OF HIM.
SURE, YUK IT UP.
IT'S REALLY FUNNY WHEN
IT AIN'T HAPPENING TO YOU.
BUT THIS IS JUST
ANOTHER REMINDER THAT...
I'M LOSING MY TOUCH.
- AH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
NO, IT'S TRUE.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG
SINCE I TEMPTED A SOUL,
AND NOW HERE I AM SCARING WIDE-EYED
INNOCENTS BACK TO THE OTHER SIDE.
IN ANY CASE, I WAS FEELING VERY
VULNERABLE AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT.
♪♪
DON'T BE SO GLUM, HANDSOME. YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU COULD USE A PERSONAL FANTASY DANCE.
HOW MUCH ARE THEY?
TWENTY BUCKS A DANCE.
HOW MUCH FOR AN
ETERNITY'S WORTH?
WELL, THAT WOULD BE 20
WITH A SIDEWAYS 8 NEXT TO IT.
♪ SEXY ♪♪
♪♪
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
CHANTILLY.
WHAT'S YOURS?
ENGLEBERT.
WHAT'S YOUR REAL NAME?
SALLY. WHAT'S YOURS?
TOBY.
HOW LONG HAVE
YOU HAD THE TATTOO?
I GOT IT WHEN I FIRST STARTED
STRIPPIN'. SHOULD'VE SEEN ME BACK THEN.
I WAS A RIGHT
LITTLE HELL-RAISER.
I'LL BET YOU WERE.
YEAH, I WAS GONNA SOW MY WILD
OATS RIGHT AWAY, SETTLE DOWN,
GET PREGNANT...
AND WATCH MY
LITTLE DEVIL GROW BIG.
I GUESS THAT'S NOT
GONNA HAPPEN NOW.
STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.
OF COURSE, GIRLS NOWADAYS...
TATTOOS ALL OVER THEIR BODIES,
FAKE BOOB JOBS, PIERCED TONGUES.
WHO KNOWS WHAT ALL.
I GUESS I'M JUST...
OLD-FASHIONED.
TIMES CHANGE EASIER THAN PEOPLE.
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH.
I SHOULD'VE QUIT
DANCING YEARS AGO.
BUT I HAVE NO OTHER SKILLS.
NOW YOU'RE SINGIN' MY SONG.
WHY?
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
I GUESS THIS.
I USED TO BE SO GOOD AT IT.
BUT NOW... I STINK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
OR WHERE IT WENT, BUT IT DID.
IT'S GONE.
ALL GOOD THINGS
MUST COME TO AN END.
YEAH. LIFE'S FUNNY THAT WAY.
"FUNNY" IS A FUNNY WORD FOR IT.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR
HANDS TO YOUR SIDES!
I KNOW. I'M SORRY.
THOSE PLACES ARE REALLY STRICT
ABOUT THAT RULE, AREN'T THEY?
WE WERE LIKE TWO LOST SOULS...
WHO, BY FINDING EACH OTHER,
HAD ALSO FOUND THE ANSWER TO...
ALL OF LIFE'S MYSTERIES...
AND THE SECRET TO HAVING LOTS
AND LOTS OF REALLY GREAT SEX.
AFTER THAT NIGHT,
WE WERE INSEPARABLE.
TO BE APART WAS... PAINFUL.
BUT WHAT DID YOU
TWO DO TOGETHER?
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.
MOST NIGHTS WE JUST...
LAID IN BED AND WATCHED TV.
I THINK HE'S GOING THROUGH
SOME KIND OF MIDLIFE CRISIS.
IT'S PRETTY COMMON
FOR PEOPLE HIS AGE.
I THINK WHAT HE NEEDS IS...
BOY, THIS SHOW REALLY STINKS.
YOU SAID IT.
IT WAS HEAVEN.
EVEN THE TIMES WE HAD TO
VENTURE OUT INTO THE WORLD...
WERE WONDROUS.
HER PRESENCE MADE THE
MUNDANE SEEM MAGNIFICENT.
TOBY, I DON'T KNOW WHERE
THIS STORY IS HEADED,
BUT IT'S REALLY STARTING
TO GIVE ME THE CREEPS.
ONE NIGHT SHE SAW
MY TRUE ESSENCE.
- ANOTHER ONE?
- THE WORLD'S GONE MAD!
SHE HAD GOTTEN UP IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT TO USE THE BATHROOM.
SHE SAW ME FOR ALL I'M WORTH,
IN ALL MY NAKED DEVILRY.
YOU SEE, SHE
FORGAVE ME MY FAULTS.
ONE NIGHT SHORTLY AFTER THAT,
WE HAPPENED TO WANDER INTO HERE.
- YOU BROUGHT HER HERE?
- HEY, IT'S A PUBLIC PLACE.
I KNOW, BUT THERE ARE SOME
PLACES WHERE WOMEN DON'T BELONG.
WE SAT AT THIS VERY
TABLE AND I SAID TO HER,
"SALLY, THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN
WANTING TO ASK YOU FOR QUITE A WHILE NOW."
WHAT IS IT, TOBY?
SALLY, WILL YOU M...
WILL YOU M...
WILL YOU MIND IF WE DIDN'T
SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE?
I'M... I'M REALLY TIRED OF YOU.
IN FACT, YOU MAKE
ME SICK, YOU...
FAT OLD COW.
I COULD HAVE DELIVERED
MY LINES BETTER, I KNOW.
I'M A BIT RUSTY, BUT...
THEY WERE EFFECTIVE.
SHE RAN OUT OF HERE HEARTBROKEN.
NOW, IN THE OLD DAYS I WOULDN'T
HAVE HAD TO CHECK ON MY RESULTS,
BUT I WAS STILL FEELING
UNSURE OF MYSELF.
SO AFTER ENOUGH TIME HAD PASSED,
I WENT TO HER APARTMENT AND...
THE POLICE HAD
JUST GOTTEN THERE.
I'M THE BOYFRIEND.
I'M A LITTLE ASHAMED
TO ADMIT I WAS WORRIED...
THAT I MIGHT FEEL
SYMPATHY FOR THIS BEING.
BUT SEEING HER LIKE
THAT ONLY REMINDED ME...
WHAT RIDICULOUS
CREATURES THEY ARE...
TO DESTROY THEMSELVES OVER
SOMETHING SO FLEETING AS...
EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS
AND BIOLOGICAL NEEDS.
I WAS OVERCOME WITH RELIEF.
PLUS, IT'D BEEN SUCH A LONG
TIME SINCE I'D NOTCHED A SOUL.
YOU SEE? YOU'VE STILL GOT IT.
JUST LIKE RIDING A BIKE.
BUT THAT'S WHEN I SAW HIM.
I DON'T KNOW WHO HE WAS
OR WHAT HE WAS DOING THERE,
BUT HE KNEW WHAT I
WAS... I COULD JUST TELL.
YOU MUST BE SO LONELY.
THERE!
HE MERELY MISTOOK YOU AS A
GRIEVING BOYFRIEND, NOTHING MORE.
HE THOUGHT YOUR RELIEVED
SOBBING WAS HYSTERICAL SOBBING.
YEAH. I TOLD YOU. THIS MAN
HAS NO IDEA WHAT WE TRULY ARE.
"YOU MUST BE SO LONELY."
HEY, KID.
GREAT CUP OF COFFEE.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
I MADE THIS!
WHAT THE HELL?
HUH.
HEY, KID.
COFFEE AND AN APPLE FRITTER.
I'M BREWING UP A FRESH
POT, SIR, AND THE APPLE
FRITTERS NEED A FEW
MINUTES TO COOL DOWN.
KID, IF I WANTED YOUR LIFE STORY,
I WOULD'VE BOUGHT THE BOOK.
COFFEE AND AN
APPLE FRITTER. NOW.
SIR, THEY'RE NOT READY JUST
YET. I-I HAVE SOME DECAF BREWED.
WHY WOULD I, OR ANYBODY
IN THEIR RIGHT MIND,
VOLUNTARILY DRINK DECAF, HUH?
ALL RIGHT, TELL ME
WHEN IT'S READY.
AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, KID.
SOME OF US ACTUALLY
WORK FOR A LIVING.
EVERY MORNING, THE SAME
THING. BITTER OLD FART.
WELL, HE WANTS BITTER?
I'LL GIVE HIM BITTER.
I ASK YOU, WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO "THE CUSTOMER'S ALWAYS RIGHT"?
THAT WENT OUT WITH AUTOMATS.
YEAH. YOU'RE LIVIN'
IN THE PAST, DADDY-O.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
YOU? IS SOMETHIN' WRONG?
SORTA.
I HAVE THIS...
WHOA! WHOA, WHOA. I DIDN'T
SAY ANYTHING ABOUT SHARING.
UM, SIR? YOUR ORDER'S READY.
THANK YOU.
HEY!
THIS FRITTER HASN'T COOLED
DOWN ENOUGH YET, DAMN IT.
HUH.
HEY, MAYBE I'M OLD-FASHIONED,
BUT I TELL YA, THINGS
DIDN'T USED TO BE THIS WAY.
- AHH.
- BURN YOUR TONGUE?
NO.
THAT KID PEED IN MY COFFEE.
YEAH!
ANYONE CARE TO MAKE A LITTLE
WAGER ON THE BIG FIGHT TONIGHT?
DOES BOXING STILL HAVE THAT
STANDING EIGHT-COUNT RULE?
YEAH.
MIGHT AS WELL BE
WATCHING A PILLOW FIGHT.
I LOST ALL INTEREST IN THE SWEET
SCIENCE WHEN KID McCOY RETIRED.
AH, THE REAL McCOY.
WHO? WORLD
MIDDLEWEIGHT CHAMPION.
AND INVENTOR OF THE
INFAMOUS CORKSCREW PUNCH.
WOULD TEAR THE FLESH
RIGHT OFF HIS OPPONENTS.
YEAH!
HE WAS ALSO CONVICTED DURING ONE OF
THIS CENTURY'S "TRIALS OF THE CENTURY"...
OF KILLING HIS MARRIED LOVER
AND SHOOTING THREE OTHER PEOPLE.
I STILL LOVE THAT LINE
IN THE SUICIDE NOTE:
"I CAN'T ENDURE THIS WORLD'S
MADNESS ANY LONGER."
A FIGHTER AND A
PHILOSOPHER, HUH?
BUT THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT'S MISSING...
FROM THIS BLAND DAY AND AGE...
PERSONALITIES, CHARACTERS,
INDIVIDUALS WITH AN
INSPIRATIONAL FLAIR.
FOR EXAMPLE,
A WHILE BACK I WAS OUT WANDERING
ON THE OLD COUNTRY HIGHWAY.
I WAS JUST LOOKING
FOR, UH... I DON'T KNOW,
A NEW SORT OF TITILLATION.
ALL I FOUND WAS
THE SAME OLD THING.
WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING OUT
HERE BY YOUR LONESOME, OLD-TIMER?
WAITING FOR A RIDE.
YEAH? YOU BEEN WAITING LONG?
SO MANY CARS PASSED
BY, I LOST COUNT.
YEAH, PEOPLE ARE RELUCTANT TO
PICK UP HITCHHIKERS THESE DAYS.
IN ANCIENT TIMES, THE GREEKS
ALWAYS HAD TO HELP VAGABONDS...
BECAUSE THEY NEVER KNEW IF THE BEGGAR
MIGHT BE ONE OF THEIR GODS IN DISGUISE.
I GUESS NOWADAYS IT JUST
SEEMS SAFER TO ASSUME...
THAT EVERY STRANGER IS A DEVIL.
IT COULD BE A SERIAL
KILLER, OR WORSE.
SO HOW'D YOU KNOW I'M NOT?
YOU DIDN'T STRIKE ME AS
THE SERIAL KILLER TYPE, POPS.
YOU'RE AN EXPERT ON
SERIAL KILLERS, ARE YOU?
OH, NO, I'M NOT AN
EXPERT OR ANYTHING.
BUT I DO ACTUALLY SPEND A LOT OF MY
SPARE TIME READING TRUE CRIME BOOKS.
AH! TRUE CRIME BOOKS!
YEAH!
EXACTLY.
WELL, YOU SEE WHERE
THIS STORY IS HEADED.
AS IT TURNED OUT, THE KID NOT ONLY
HAD AN INTEREST IN SERIAL KILLERS,
HE ONCE MADE CONTACT WITH ONE.
THIS WAS MADE IN PRISON
BY JOHNNIE MACK POTTER,
THE MOST PROLIFIC
MURDERER IN AMERICA.
HE WAS CONVICTED
OF KILLING 36 PEOPLE.
HOW'D YOU GET AHOLD OF THAT?
WELL, JOHNNIE MACK POTTER USED TO BE
THE JANITOR AND MASCOT AT MY OLD SCHOOL.
ROOSEVELT HIGH RED DEVILS?
HE WAS CAUGHT THE YEAR BEFORE
I ATTENDED, SO I NEVER MET HIM,
BUT EVERY DAY I'D WALK
DOWN THOSE HALLWAYS,
I COULDN'T HELP
BUT THINK TO MYSELF,
"WOW, A SERIAL KILLER
ONCE CLEANED THESE."
"WOW" IS RIGHT.
SO I WROTE TO HIM IN PRISON,
AND HE SENT ME
THIS DEVIL DOOHICKEY.
BUT HERE I AM, PROBABLY BORING
YOU WITH ALL THIS KILLER TALK.
HEY, THAT'S JOHNNIE MACK
POTTER IN HIS OLD MASCOT UNIFORM.
HOW'D YOU GET THAT?
I'M A MURDER MEMORABILIA
COLLECTOR MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, IT'S KINDA NEAT TO BE ABLE TO
TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF...
AND NOT FEEL LIKE A SICKO.
TELL ME, PERRY,
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU POSSESS THIS
MORBID FASCINATION WITH SERIAL KILLERS?
WELL,
I'LL BE HONEST WITH
YOU... I DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T THINK IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO
WITH THE FACT THAT YOU YOURSELF POSSESS...
SO MANY CHARACTERISTICS OF
THE PROTOTYPICAL SERIAL KILLER?
- WHAT?
- WHITE, MALE, IN HIS 20s.
THE ABUSED PRODUCT
OF A BROKEN HOME,
WHO SPENT HIS YOUTH STARTING
FIRES AND/OR TORTURING ANIMALS.
AN EARLY ADDICTION TO
DRUGS AND/OR ALCOHOL.
AN INABILITY TO HOLD A STEADY
JOB OR A RELATIONSHIP WITH WOMEN.
SPENDING ALL YOUR FREE TIME...
DREAMING ABOUT TURNING YOUR MASOCHISTIC
MUTILATION SEX FANTASIES INTO REALITY.
TO SAY NOTHING OF THE
FACT THAT YOU DRIVE A VAN...
AND KEEP A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE
IN YOUR GLOVE COMPARTMENT!
HOW THE HELL DID...
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?
PLAY THE HAND YOU'VE BEEN DEALT.
GOOD LORD! DON'T TELL
ME THAT'S ALL IT TOOK.
YOU KNOW, WE WERE SO ENVIOUS...
WHEN MAN WAS GIVEN FREE WILL.
BUT WHAT HAS IT BROUGHT THEM?
THE BELIEF THAT THEIR
LIVES ARE DETERMINED...
BY EVERYTHING OTHER
THAN THEIR OWN WILL.
AND THE RIGHT TO VOTE.
UH-HUH.
WAIT A MINUTE. I'M CONFUSED.
YOU MEAN, THE MAN BECAME A
SERIAL KILLER BECAUSE... YES.
JUST BECAUSE.
HIS FIRST VICTIM WAS A
PROSTITUTE, AS WAS TO BE EXPECTED.
I WAS A LITTLE CONCERNED THAT HIS
INITIAL REACTION WAS A TAD OVERSENSITIVE.
DON'T WORRY, KID. IT'S
LIKE YOUR FIRST BEER.
YOU NOT ONLY GET USED TO IT, BUT EVENTUALLY
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM AS GOOD WITHOUT IT.
I WANT TO BECOME...
THE MOST PROLIFIC
SERIAL KILLER...
IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY.
HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE MOST
COLORFUL KILLER, OR THE MOST WEIRD.
HE JUST WANTED TO BREAK JOHNNIE
MACK POTTER'S RECORD TO BE NUMBER ONE.
QUANTITY, NOT QUALITY. HA.
HIS "ORIGINALITY" BEGAN
AND ENDED WITH PROSTITUTES.
HE KILLED ANOTHER
ONE THAT VERY NIGHT.
THEN IT WAS PROSTITUTE
AFTER PROSTITUTE.
EHH, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.
ONE NIGHT I DID MANAGE TO INJECT
SOME IRONY INTO HIS BLANDNESS.
I TALKED HIM INTO ATTACKING A
SELF-PROCLAIMED DEVIL WORSHIPPER.
SATAN!
SAVE ME!
SATAN, SAVE ME! PLEASE!
NO!
SATAN!
SAVE ME!
"SATAN, SAVE ME!"
YEAH, I BET THERE WAS NO
DIVINE INTERVENTION THERE, HUH?
UNFORTUNATELY,
THAT VERY NEXT NIGHT HE WAS
RIGHT BACK TO PROSTITUTES.
SO CLICHÉD WAS THIS GUY THAT HE OFTEN
RETURNED TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THAT'S
WHAT KILLERS SUPPOSEDLY DO.
LOOKS LIKE THEY
FOUND VICTIM NUMBER 36.
ONE MORE, AND I TOP
JOHNNIE MACK POTTER.
THEN I BECOME THE
SERIAL-KILLING CHAMP.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GET T-SHIRTS PRINTED UP.
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT
DID THIS MAN LOOK LIKE?
I KNOW HOW TERRIBLE
THIS IS GONNA SOUND, BUT
THEY ALL LOOK PRETTY
MUCH THE SAME TO ME.
EHH! OHH!
BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, THIS MAN REACTED LIKE
HE HAD CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF MY TRUE ESSENCE.
IMPOSSIBLE. IT'S
NOT IN THEIR NATURE.
ALL RIGHT, SO MY STORY'S
A LITTLE OUT THERE.
GO WITH IT.
IN ANY CASE,
HAVING SEEN THIS WEIRD GUY AND
BEING SO BORED WITH MY KILLER,
I FIGURED ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.
AFTER THEY GOT THE FINGERPRINTS
OFF IT, IT DIDN'T TAKE THEM LONG.
FREEZE! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
MR. BLURK? MR. BLURK!
OF COURSE, I WAS
NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
LATER, HE TOLD THE POLICE THAT I WAS
THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MURDERS.
THEY'RE ALWAYS
BLAMING OTHERS. YEAH.
BUT THE CRIMINAL
PSYCHOLOGIST DEDUCED...
THAT THE ELDERLY HITCHHIKER
DIDN'T ACTUALLY EXIST...
AND WAS MERELY ONE SEGMENT
OF THE KILLER'S SPLIT PERSONALITY.
SO AFTER SOME TIME HAD PASSED,
AND I FELT IT WAS
THE RIGHT TIME,
I SENT MY KILLER COMPANION...
A FRIENDLY LITTLE
NOTE OF ADVICE.
- AND DID HE DO IT?
- HE GAVE IT
THE OLD COLLEGE TRY.
TOO BAD HE HAD NEVER
GONE TO COLLEGE.
BUT THEN IT WAS REALLY
ALL FOR NOTHING, WASN'T IT?
YOU DIDN'T ACHIEVE
TOTAL CLOSURE.
WELL, IT'S MY ATTITUDE...
THAT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO
SACRIFICE SELF-SATISFACTION...
FOR A SENSE OF POETIC JUSTICE.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS
WHY JOHNNIE MACK POTTER...
REMAINS THE REIGNING
AND STILL UNDISPUTED...
SERIAL-KILLING CHAMPION.
HELLO?
IS THIS THE HELM RESIDENCE?
UH... YES, IT IS.
MAY I PLEASE SPEAK TO MR. HELM?
THIS IS HIM. WHAT'S
HAPPENING? WHAT'S THE MATTER?
NOTHING'S THE MATTER, SIR.
UNLESS YOU'RE BEING OVERCHARGED
BY YOUR LONG-DISTANCE PHONE COMPANY.
MAY I ASK WHICH
CURRENT SERVICE YOU USE?
WH... W-WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT'S TIME TO START SAVING OVER 30
PERCENT ON YOUR LONG-DISTANCE CALLS.
NOW, IF YOU'LL
SIGN UP WITH US...
I DON'T LIKE WORKING
WITH SERIAL KILLERS MYSELF.
IF THEY GET CAUGHT,
THEY END UP ON DEATH ROW,
WHICH IS THE ONLY PLACE WHERE
HUMANS CAN STILL FIND GOD.
THE TROUBLE WITH SERIAL
KILLERS IS, THEY'RE TOO EVIL.
WELL, HEY, IF YOU'RE
AFRAID OF 'EM...
THAT'S NOT WHAT I
MEANT, AND YOU KNOW IT.
WHAT DID YOU MEAN?
THEIR EVIL IS TOO CONSPICUOUS.
WHEN PEOPLE HEAR
ABOUT SOME PSYCHO KILLER,
IT CAN LEAD THEM TO THINKING
ABOUT THE NATURE OF EVIL,
WHICH LEADS TO THOUGHTS ABOUT
RIGHT OR WRONG, OR BAD OR GOOD.
ALL THAT THINKING CAN GET UGLY.
YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT 'EM
CONSIDERING CRAP LIKE THAT.
YOU JUST WANT 'EM TO GO THROUGH
THE ROUTINE OF LIVING THEIR LIVES.
THEN WHAT DO YOU
DO TO GUT THEIR SOULS?
I DON'T DO SQUAT ANYMORE.
THEY DO IT ALL FOR YOU.
I'M NOT SURE I'M FOLLOWING.
MANKIND...
HAS PROGRESSED TO A POINT
IN ITS DIMWITTED HISTORY...
WHERE LIFE HAS BEEN DRAINED
OF ALL ITS ENCHANTMENT.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS
SIT BACK AND ENJOY.
I MEAN, I ASK YOU...
WHAT EVIL GENIUS
INVENTED THE ALARM CLOCK?
NO OTHER CREATURE BUT
MAN COULD CONCOCT A DEVICE...
THAT INTERRUPTS,
ON A DAILY BASIS,
THEIR ONLY NATURAL
STATE OF HAPPINESS.
AND NO DOUBT THE
EVIL GENIUS'S EVIL TWIN...
CONTRIBUTED THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
NO MORE.
I BEG YOU.
OTHER HUMAN
INSTRUMENTS OF TORTURE...
THE RACK, THE IRON MAIDEN...
ARE NO MATCH FOR
THEIR MODERN VERSION.
STOP!
USED IN A REGIMEN OF
SELF-INFLICTED SUFFERING...
ALL IN THE NAME OF
VANITY AND ROCK-HARD ABS.
OW. OW.
THEIR EFFORTS TO DISTANCE
THEMSELVES FROM THEIR ANIMAL NATURES...
ONLY SHOW WHAT DUMB
BEASTS THEY TRULY ARE.
OW.
OW. OW. OW.
NOT ONLY REQUIRED TO
COVER THEIR GOD-GIVEN BODIES,
THEY ALSO TIE A SUPERFLUOUS, CONSTRICTING
PIECE OF CLOTH AROUND THEIR NECKS...
FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.
I FAIL TO SEE HOW ANY OF THIS
LEADS THEM TO ETERNAL DAMNATION.
WELL, THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.
THEY FAIL TO SEE IT TOO BECAUSE THEY THINK
THEY'RE LIVING A SO-CALLED NORMAL LIFE.
AND YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA THE
TORMENTS THEY'LL PUT THEMSELVES THROUGH...
FOR THE SAKE OF SUCH A LIFE.
THEY'LL SPEND A THIRD OF EVERY
DAY AT A PLACE THEY CAN'T STAND,
DOIN' STUFF THEY DON'T WANNA DO,
ALL IN THE NAME
OF EARNING A LIVING.
I'VE SEEN PUNISHMENTS
IN HELL LESS SEVERE.
WHEN NOT AT WORK,
THEIR FREE TIME IS SPENT IN
SERVITUDE PERFORMING MENIAL CHORES,
NONE OF WHICH COULD
BE CALLED LIFE-AFFIRMING.
AS A WISE DEVIL ONCE SAID,
"ALL ROADS TO HELL LEAD THROUGH
COIN-OPERATED LAUNDROMATS."
YOU SEEM TO BE FORGETTING ONE LITTLE
THING IN THIS METHOD OF YOURS... SIN.
I CHOOSE TO FORGET IT
BECAUSE HUMANS HAVE AS WELL.
OH, BROTHER.
I DON'T MEAN THEY STOPPED
COMMITTIN' SINS. JUST THE OPPOSITE.
♪♪ ♪ OOOH ♪
♪ OOH, OHHH, SEXY ♪
THEY SIN SO OFTEN,
IT'S JUST BECOME ANOTHER
PART OF THEIR ROUTINE.
AND WHATEVER PASSION FIRST
COMPELLED THEM TO COMMIT SUCH ACTS...
HAS LONG SINCE PASSED AWAY.
YEAH. GO, BABY, GO.
DO IT.
SHAKE THAT THING.
♪ WHOA-OHH-OHH ♪♪
YEAH. YEAH. OOH.
DO IT. DO IT.
TAKE IT OFF.
TAKE IT ALL OFF.
♪♪
DO IT.
DO IT.
EVEN THEIR LESS GUILTY PLEASURES
ARE LESS THAN PLEASURES.
♪♪ SCATTERED
SNOW SW... EVERYONE...
FRIENDLY AMOEBA...
- YEE-HAH!
- NEXT ON DOG TV...
UM... AM I MISSING SOMETHING?
YEAH.
HAVING HIM FALL ASLEEP
IS NOT QUITE THE SAME...
AS HAVING HIM FALL INTO
THE FIERY PITS OF HELL.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT TO RUIN THEM
IF YOU DON'T INTERACT WITH THEM?
OH, EVERY ONCE IN A
WHILE I INTERACT WITH THEM.
BUT NOTHING TOO EVIL.
MINOR IRRITATIONS
ARE ALL YOU NEED.
AND I FIND THE
BEST IRRITATIONS...
UTILIZE THEIR OWN MANMADE LAWS.
HEY, I JUST PARKED THERE.
AH, TELL IT TO THE JUDGE.
HEY, WHAT'S WITH THIS TICKET?
THE METER HASN'T EVEN RUN OUT.
COULD THIS BE THE SAME
GUY THAT SAW BLURK?
NO, HE WASN'T REACTING
TO MY INNER ESSENCE.
ALL HUMANS LOOK HORRIFIED WHEN
CONFRONTING AN AUTHORITY FIGURE.
HEY, DID THIS GUY LOOK,
UH, DEPRESSED? WHY?
I READ AN ARTICLE ABOUT PEOPLE
USING THIS HERB, ST. JOHN'S WORT,
TO CURE DEPRESSION.
BACK IN THE MIDDLE AGES, HUMANS WERE USING
THIS STUFF AND CLAIMING TO SEE DEVILS.
AH, OLD WIVES' TALES.
EHH, STILL...
DOES THIS GUY LOOK LIKE HE MIGHT
BE USING THIS ST. JOHN'S WORT?
GREB, THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE
HE NEEDED A VAT OF THE STUFF.
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT THEY TAKE.
IT'S NOT IN THEIR
NATURE TO SEE US.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THEIR NATURES?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DAMN THEM.
I JUST TOLD YOU.
YOU SIMPLY LET THEM GO THROUGH
THE ROUTINE OF LIVING THEIR LIVES...
AS THEY SEE FIT.
UNTIL THEY REALIZE...
THEIR LIVES ARE UNFIT TO LIVE.
AND IT NEVER
CEASES TO AMUSE ME...
HOW THESE IDIOTS ONLY LEARN TO
APPRECIATE THE GLORIOUS FREEDOM OF LIFE...
JUST WHEN THEY'RE TAKING IT,
AND JUST BEFORE
THEY HIT PAY DIRT.
AAAH!
WELL, IF YOU ASK ME,
SUBTLETY IS FOR
CLOSET HOMOSEXUALS.
WHAT'S THAT CRACK
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I JUST FIND YOUR
LAISSEZ-FAIRE STYLE...
TO BE AS LAME AND TEDIOUS AS
THE SOULS YOU'RE DESTROYING.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING A
DEVIL IF YOU CAN'T HAVE A LITTLE FUN?
I'M AFRAID I'M FAMILIAR WITH YOUR METHODS,
AND I FIND THEM TO BE CRASS AND UNPOETIC.
YEAH, LIKE AN ATOM BOMB.
AND THAT'S ANOTHER
PLUS WITH MY TECHNIQUE...
MASS DAMNATION.
WHY, I JUST DID A JOB THAT DAMAGED
MILLIONS OF SOULS WITH ONE BIG SHEBANG.
HOW COULD YOU MANAGE THAT?
SIMPLY BY USING THE INSTRUMENT SATAN
HIMSELF CREATED FOR THAT VERY PURPOSE.
CRAP.
ON PAGE SEVEN OF THE SCRIPT,
YOUR USE OF THE WORD "CRAP" IS
UNACCEPTABLE TO BROADCAST STANDARDS.
NO, IT IS ACCEPTABLE
TO USE THE WORD "CRAP,"
BUT ONLY WHEN NOT
REFERRING TO... DEFECATION.
NO, THE USE OF THE WORD
"DEFECATION" IS NOT ACCEPTABLE EITHER.
WE SUGGEST THAT YOU
DO NOT USE ANY WORD TO
DESCRIBE IT AND SIMPLY
CUT THE SCENE ENTIRELY.
NOW, THAT WORD IS
COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.
OH, YOU WERE JUST REACTING,
NOT SUGGESTING. I SEE.
WELL... MY NEXT OBJECTION
BEGINS ON PAGE EIGHT.
EVERY NETWORK HAS A CENSOR, NO.
A GUARDIAN OF MORAL
RECTITUDE... NO. NO. NO.
WHOSE JOB IS TO
ENSURE... NO. NO.
THE VIEWING PUBLIC IS NOT CORRUPTED BY
UNACCEPTABLE SCENES OF SEX, VIOLENCE...
NO. NO. NO. NO. OR ANY OTHER
MISCELLANEOUS VULGARITY.
NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT ALIENS
FROM OUTER SPACE HAVE NO GENITALIA.
THEY STILL HAVE GROINS, AND
THEY SHOULDN'T BE KICKED THERE.
IT IS UNACCEPTABLE!
REVISE OR CUT!
GEEZ, THAT SOUNDS
LIKE ONE CRAPPY JOB.
BUT YOU CAN IMAGINE THE
WEIGHT THEY MUST BEAR.
THE BURDEN OF MAINTAINING A NATION'S
MORALITY ON YOUR VERY SHOULDERS?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? IT'S JUST TV.
AH, BUT YOU'RE FORGETTING...
HOW HUMANS REGARD
EVERYTHING IN THEIR LIVES NOW...
AS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
UNDER THAT CONSTANT PRESSURE,
MAKING 'EM CRACK IS A SNAP.
UNACCEPTABLE.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SHOW A PILE OF
DUNG, IT MUST BE DRY DUNG, NOT MOIST.
WHY? BECAUSE I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES,
AND I BEAR THE BURDEN OF MAINTAINING A
NATION'S MORALITY ON MY VERY SHOULDERS!
♪♪
♪♪
♪ MY WAR ♪
♪ YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪
♪ YOU SAY THAT
YOU'RE MY FRIEND ♪
♪ BUT YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪
♪♪
THIS IS NOT... ACCEPTABLE.
♪ YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GIVE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪♪
BOO! GET OUTTA HERE.
RINKY-DINK KID STUFF.
I'M TELLING YOU.
IT'S VERY EFFECTIVE.
IT'S SO STALE AND OUTDATED. NO.
IT'S VERY MODERN.
YOU SEE, IN THE OLD DAYS, IF
YOU MATERIALIZED BEFORE THEM,
THEY ALL KNEW WHAT
THEY WERE SEEING...
THE EXTERNAL EVIDENCE OF A
DEMON TRYING TO TEMPT THEIR SOUL.
BUT NOWADAYS, THEY
ALL ASSUME IT'S INTERNAL...
A PSYCHOLOGICAL BREAKDOWN...
MANIFESTING ITSELF IN THE
FORM OF A VISUAL HALLUCINATION.
AND YOU CALLED ME LAME. HUH.
THE EFFECTS ARE IMMEDIATE.
ONE QUICK MATERIALIZATION, AND
THEY'RE CONVINCED THEY'RE BONKERS.
- BUT THEN WHAT?
- THEN THEY GO BONKERS.
HMM? HMM?
I ALWAYS ENJOY SEEING HOW
THEIR MADNESS MANIFESTS ITSELF.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
THIS IS ACCEPTABLE.
THIS IS... UNACCEPTABLE.
THIS IS TOTAL PERVERSION.
THIS IS WAY BEYOND ACCEPTABLE.
HIS INSANITY THREW HIM DIRECTLY
INTO THE BELLY OF THE BEAST.
ACCEPTABLE! UNACCEPTABLE!
♪♪ ♪ OOOH ♪
♪ OOH, OOOH ♪
♪ SEXY ♪
♪♪
UH-OH. THIS... THIS
IS BORDERLINE.
NO. UM... NO. I... TH... WE'RE
ON THE BORDER HERE.
NO... OH! WE'RE OVER
THE BORDER HERE.
THIS IS... WE'RE IN... WE'RE INTO
ANOTHER ZONE. AN UNACCEPTABLE ZONE.
NO, THIS IS... NO, I... UN...
♪♪
♪ WHOA-OHH, OH-OHH ♪♪
OH, NO. NO. NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
I AM BROADCAST STANDARDS AND
PRACTICES, AND THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!
REVISE OR CUT!
NO EXCESSIVE USE OF VIOLENCE.
I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES.
NO EXCESSIVE USE OF VIOLENCE!
I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES!
NO EXCESSIVE USE OF VIOLENCE!
YOU'LL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS!
THE FINAL SCENE IS EXCESSIVELY,
GRATUITOUSLY VIOLENT!
ALIENS WOULD NOT CARRY UZIS.
THEY ARE AN INTELLIGENT,
SUPERIOR RACE...
AND WOULD NOT CARRY OR
UTILIZE AUTOMATIC WEAPONS.
I WILL NOT APPROVE THIS!
I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES!
♪♪ ♪ MY WAR YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪
♪ YOU SAY THAT
YOU'RE MY FRIEND ♪
♪ BUT YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪♪
♪♪ WHAT... DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
ENOUGH WORDS.
- TIME FOR ACTION.
- WHAT?
YOU BEAR THE BURDEN OF MAINTAINING A
NATION'S MORALITY ON YOUR VERY SHOULDERS.
YOU MEAN... YES.
KILL THEM ALL.
ENOUGH WORDS.
♪♪
TIME FOR ACTION! YES.
NOW SHUT UP AND DANCE!
♪♪
SEE, THEIR GRASP ON SANITY,
AND THUS THEIR SOULS,
IS PRECARIOUS AT BEST.
I SHOULD SAY SO.
CAMERA MOVE.
OKAY, ALIENS, THREATEN THEM.
I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES!
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! I AM
BROADCAST STANDARDS AND PRACTICES!
NO EXCESSIVE USE OF BLOOD!
NO EXCESSIVE USE OF VIOLENCE!
THIS IS ALL UNACCEPTABLE!
I AM BROADCAST
STANDARDS AND PRACTICES!
EVERYTHING IS UNACCEPTABLE!
EVERYTHING IS UNACCEPTABLE!
IS THAT THING STILL ROLLING?
SIXTY, TAKE THREE. TAIL SLATE.
HEY, THAT'S WHERE
I SAW THAT GUY.
- WHAT GUY?
- THE DEPRESSED-LOOKING GUY
THAT SAW YOU AND ABUM.
HE WAS AT THE AFTERMATH
OF THE ALIEN MASSACRE.
♪♪ ♪ MY WAR YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪
♪ YOU SAY THAT
YOU'RE MY FRIEND ♪
♪ BUT YOU'RE ONE OF THEM ♪♪
♪♪
BUT, UH, I DON'T
KNOW HOW HE SAW ME.
I WASN'T TRYING TO APPEAR
AS AN HALLUCINATION.
NOW YOU'RE LOSING
YOUR GRASP ON SANITY.
HEY, HOLD ON. NOT SO FAST.
YOU BOASTED THAT THE SOUL THAT YOU
DAMNED ENDED UP DAMNING MILLIONS OF OTHERS.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.
NOT EVERY NETWORK HAS SUCH STRICT
BROADCAST STANDARDS AND PRACTICES.
THESE EXTRATERRESTRIAL
VISITORS NEED TO PHONE HOME...
AND 9-1-1!
WHEN HUMANS ATTACK,
RIGHT AFTER THESE MESSAGES.
HE KNOWS WHAT WE ARE.
THE MAN THAT YOU'VE ALL SEEN,
WHO SEEMS TO SEE US SO CLEARLY,
I'VE SEEN HIM TOO.
HE KNOWS WHAT WE ARE.
I'M TELLING YOU. IT'S AN
IMPOSSIBILITY. HE CAN'T KNOW.
HE TOLD ME HIMSELF.
WHAT? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
THE OTHER DAY. I...
LOOK, I'D RATHER
NOT TALK ABOUT IT.
YOU CAN'T NOT TELL
US. WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S... IT'S PERSONAL.
HOW THE HELL CAN IT BE PERSONAL?
THE DETAILS...
THEY'RE SO TAWDRY AND SORDID.
NOW I MUST INSIST YOU TELL US.
I WAS AT A STRIP JOINT.
♪♪ IT WAS A QUIET NIGHT
AND I WAS JUST BIDING MY TIME,
ON THE LOOKOUT FOR
MY NEXT DAMNABLE SOUL.
♪ HEY-EY-EY-EYYY ♪
IT WAS OBVIOUSLY HIS
FIRST TIME IN SUCH A PLACE,
AND I ALWAYS GET A KICK OUT OF SEEING
SOMEONE'S FIRST TASTE OF FORBIDDEN FRUIT.
♪♪ ♪ OOH ♪
♪ OOOH-OOH, OOH-OOH
OOOH-OOH-OOH-OOH ♪
THIS YOKEL DOESN'T SOUND
ANYTHING LIKE THE MAN WE SAW.
IS EVERYBODY STARTING
TO SEE OUR TRUE ESSENCE?
NO, THIS KID DIDN'T
SEE MY TRUE ESSENCE.
HELL, HE DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME.
HE SAW HIMSELF, HIS
POTENTIAL FUTURE,
AND IT LITERALLY SCARED
THE BEJESUS OUT OF HIM.
SURE, YUK IT UP.
IT'S REALLY FUNNY WHEN
IT AIN'T HAPPENING TO YOU.
BUT THIS IS JUST
ANOTHER REMINDER THAT...
I'M LOSING MY TOUCH.
- AH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
NO, IT'S TRUE.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG
SINCE I TEMPTED A SOUL,
AND NOW HERE I AM SCARING WIDE-EYED
INNOCENTS BACK TO THE OTHER SIDE.
IN ANY CASE, I WAS FEELING VERY
VULNERABLE AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT.
♪♪
DON'T BE SO GLUM, HANDSOME. YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU COULD USE A PERSONAL FANTASY DANCE.
HOW MUCH ARE THEY?
TWENTY BUCKS A DANCE.
HOW MUCH FOR AN
ETERNITY'S WORTH?
WELL, THAT WOULD BE 20
WITH A SIDEWAYS 8 NEXT TO IT.
♪ SEXY ♪♪
♪♪
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
CHANTILLY.
WHAT'S YOURS?
ENGLEBERT.
WHAT'S YOUR REAL NAME?
SALLY. WHAT'S YOURS?
TOBY.
HOW LONG HAVE
YOU HAD THE TATTOO?
I GOT IT WHEN I FIRST STARTED
STRIPPIN'. SHOULD'VE SEEN ME BACK THEN.
I WAS A RIGHT
LITTLE HELL-RAISER.
I'LL BET YOU WERE.
YEAH, I WAS GONNA SOW MY WILD
OATS RIGHT AWAY, SETTLE DOWN,
GET PREGNANT...
AND WATCH MY
LITTLE DEVIL GROW BIG.
I GUESS THAT'S NOT
GONNA HAPPEN NOW.
STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.
OF COURSE, GIRLS NOWADAYS...
TATTOOS ALL OVER THEIR BODIES,
FAKE BOOB JOBS, PIERCED TONGUES.
WHO KNOWS WHAT ALL.
I GUESS I'M JUST...
OLD-FASHIONED.
TIMES CHANGE EASIER THAN PEOPLE.
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH.
I SHOULD'VE QUIT
DANCING YEARS AGO.
BUT I HAVE NO OTHER SKILLS.
NOW YOU'RE SINGIN' MY SONG.
WHY?
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
I GUESS THIS.
I USED TO BE SO GOOD AT IT.
BUT NOW... I STINK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
OR WHERE IT WENT, BUT IT DID.
IT'S GONE.
ALL GOOD THINGS
MUST COME TO AN END.
YEAH. LIFE'S FUNNY THAT WAY.
"FUNNY" IS A FUNNY WORD FOR IT.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR
HANDS TO YOUR SIDES!
I KNOW. I'M SORRY.
THOSE PLACES ARE REALLY STRICT
ABOUT THAT RULE, AREN'T THEY?
WE WERE LIKE TWO LOST SOULS...
WHO, BY FINDING EACH OTHER,
HAD ALSO FOUND THE ANSWER TO...
ALL OF LIFE'S MYSTERIES...
AND THE SECRET TO HAVING LOTS
AND LOTS OF REALLY GREAT SEX.
AFTER THAT NIGHT,
WE WERE INSEPARABLE.
TO BE APART WAS... PAINFUL.
BUT WHAT DID YOU
TWO DO TOGETHER?
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.
MOST NIGHTS WE JUST...
LAID IN BED AND WATCHED TV.
I THINK HE'S GOING THROUGH
SOME KIND OF MIDLIFE CRISIS.
IT'S PRETTY COMMON
FOR PEOPLE HIS AGE.
I THINK WHAT HE NEEDS IS...
BOY, THIS SHOW REALLY STINKS.
YOU SAID IT.
IT WAS HEAVEN.
EVEN THE TIMES WE HAD TO
VENTURE OUT INTO THE WORLD...
WERE WONDROUS.
HER PRESENCE MADE THE
MUNDANE SEEM MAGNIFICENT.
TOBY, I DON'T KNOW WHERE
THIS STORY IS HEADED,
BUT IT'S REALLY STARTING
TO GIVE ME THE CREEPS.
ONE NIGHT SHE SAW
MY TRUE ESSENCE.
- ANOTHER ONE?
- THE WORLD'S GONE MAD!
SHE HAD GOTTEN UP IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT TO USE THE BATHROOM.
SHE SAW ME FOR ALL I'M WORTH,
IN ALL MY NAKED DEVILRY.
YOU SEE, SHE
FORGAVE ME MY FAULTS.
ONE NIGHT SHORTLY AFTER THAT,
WE HAPPENED TO WANDER INTO HERE.
- YOU BROUGHT HER HERE?
- HEY, IT'S A PUBLIC PLACE.
I KNOW, BUT THERE ARE SOME
PLACES WHERE WOMEN DON'T BELONG.
WE SAT AT THIS VERY
TABLE AND I SAID TO HER,
"SALLY, THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN
WANTING TO ASK YOU FOR QUITE A WHILE NOW."
WHAT IS IT, TOBY?
SALLY, WILL YOU M...
WILL YOU M...
WILL YOU MIND IF WE DIDN'T
SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE?
I'M... I'M REALLY TIRED OF YOU.
IN FACT, YOU MAKE
ME SICK, YOU...
FAT OLD COW.
I COULD HAVE DELIVERED
MY LINES BETTER, I KNOW.
I'M A BIT RUSTY, BUT...
THEY WERE EFFECTIVE.
SHE RAN OUT OF HERE HEARTBROKEN.
NOW, IN THE OLD DAYS I WOULDN'T
HAVE HAD TO CHECK ON MY RESULTS,
BUT I WAS STILL FEELING
UNSURE OF MYSELF.
SO AFTER ENOUGH TIME HAD PASSED,
I WENT TO HER APARTMENT AND...
THE POLICE HAD
JUST GOTTEN THERE.
I'M THE BOYFRIEND.
I'M A LITTLE ASHAMED
TO ADMIT I WAS WORRIED...
THAT I MIGHT FEEL
SYMPATHY FOR THIS BEING.
BUT SEEING HER LIKE
THAT ONLY REMINDED ME...
WHAT RIDICULOUS
CREATURES THEY ARE...
TO DESTROY THEMSELVES OVER
SOMETHING SO FLEETING AS...
EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS
AND BIOLOGICAL NEEDS.
I WAS OVERCOME WITH RELIEF.
PLUS, IT'D BEEN SUCH A LONG
TIME SINCE I'D NOTCHED A SOUL.
YOU SEE? YOU'VE STILL GOT IT.
JUST LIKE RIDING A BIKE.
BUT THAT'S WHEN I SAW HIM.
I DON'T KNOW WHO HE WAS
OR WHAT HE WAS DOING THERE,
BUT HE KNEW WHAT I
WAS... I COULD JUST TELL.
YOU MUST BE SO LONELY.
THERE!
HE MERELY MISTOOK YOU AS A
GRIEVING BOYFRIEND, NOTHING MORE.
HE THOUGHT YOUR RELIEVED
SOBBING WAS HYSTERICAL SOBBING.
YEAH. I TOLD YOU. THIS MAN
HAS NO IDEA WHAT WE TRULY ARE.
"YOU MUST BE SO LONELY."
HEY, KID.
GREAT CUP OF COFFEE.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
I MADE THIS!