Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Last Temptation of Mike - full transcript

All right,
how does this sound?

"At 11:13 a.m., Officer Biggs,

"while purchasing a jumbo
chili dog with the works,

noticed the suspect checking
for unlocked cars."

It's a police report.

You don't need to tell them
I was getting a chili dog.

What? It's no secret...
look at your shirt.

You're just jealous
I got the collar.

Yeah, y-you got the collar,
y-your tie

and the back of your pants.

Seen triple homicides
with less splatter.



Hey, if your jersey's not dirty,
you didn't play hard.

You want some
more coffee?

That's your third cup.

It tastes good today
for some reason.

Yeah? "Some reason" being
that cute rookie

whose desk is
right by the break area?

I'm a married man, I don't
notice that kind of stuff.

Yeah? You didn't notice
those big beautiful brown eyes?

They're blue.
No further questions, Your Honor.

Got it, one sugar,
three thumbtacks.

You're amazing.

Excuse me?

That's your third
cup of coffee,

and you haven't gone
to the bathroom once.



Eh, that comes from
being out on the beat.

You stop to tinkle,
people could die.

I have so much
to learn.

(chuckles)

Eh, you'll get there, it's
just mind over bladder.

Oh, my God, is that blood
on your shirt?

Well, until the boys
in the lab test it,

we'll never
really know.

But right now all the
evidence points to chili.

Let me get
that for you.

Oh, you don't
have to do that.

I don't mind.

You're a mess.

What are we gonna
do with you?

I don't...

What the hell
did you do?

Are you okay?

Yeah, uh,
just can't sleep.

I told you all that coffee was
gonna get you into trouble.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La,
la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

Mmm, something
smells good.

Bacon, but save your breath,

he's not sharing.

I am making a special
breakfast for Molly

to show her that I care and
that I'm thinking about her,

and her only, 24-7.

Hey, I gave her life,
you give me bacon.

Hey!

That was a warning, the next one
comes with hot grease.

Morning.

Oh, there she is.

My one and
only true love.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

Get out of there,
you vultures!

Hey, uh, I-I made you breakfast.

I unloaded the dishwasher,
only broke three glasses.

Glad you're wearing shoes.

Thank you, sweetie,

but I don't really
have time to eat.

Well, everybody has time
for breakfast.

It's the most important
meal of the day.

That's why he has two.

Ah!

No, I'm writing at the library,
and if I don't get there early,

then I have to go
in the kids' section,

and Tuesday's story day,

and I always get sucked
into those puppet shows.

Well, can't you take
the day off?

We can play hooky together.

Pack a picnic, take a walk, huh?

I might even be willing
to choke down a museum, huh?

Aw, that's sweet, but I-I can't.

I'm, like, this close
to finishing the book.

That's great.

No, I mean, I-I...

I still have this much
of the book to write.

Come on, I feel like
I haven't seen you in weeks.

Well, this is
my job now.

If you want to keep
frying up the bacon,

Mama's got to keep
bringing it home.

Aw, you tried.

You're a terrific
husband.

And handsome.

And smart.

Just eat the bacon.

Carl, you want some coffee?

Yeah, I could go for a cup.

Good, uh, get me one, too.

I like the French
vanilla creamer.

I thought you were getting it.

Well, since you're getting up.

I'm not getting up.

I thought you wanted
some coffee.

When you were getting it.

If I got to get it,
I don't want it.

But I want some.

Well, as long as you're going...
cream, two sugars.

Fine, but the next time
you lose your gun,

you're looking for it
on your own.

(humming innocently)

Hey.

Hey!

I was wondering when
you were gonna come visit me.

Not visiting, just
getting coffee.

Hang on, I have something
naughty to show you.

I-I don't want
to see that.

French vanilla
caramel creamer.

It's kind of decadent, but
we can cheat a little, right?

No. No, we can't.

Come on,
I won't tell anybody.

Well, that doesn't
make it right.

Just take a sip.

Listen,

I'm sure that's wonderful,
but I have to pass.

Okay, if I led you to believe
that I was interested

in another creamer,
I apologize.

Come on.

Just take
a little sniff.

(sniffs)

Oh, God, that's good.

We can't do this!

I got to go!

That's just ridiculous.

Why would someone that beautiful
work in a dump like this?

Did you see her back tattoo?

Working here ain't
the first bad choice she's made.

Yeah, you don't need
to read Chinese

to know that tat says
"damaged goods""

Do you mind?

That's someone's daughter.

The pierced tongue tells me

Daddy hasn't been in the picture
for quite a while.

Well, she could sit on my lap
and tell Papa Carl all about it.

What are you doing?

You got a girlfriend
at home.

Yeah, and if
she was here,

I wouldn't be saying
any of this stuff.

I mean, that's why we
have guys' night, right?

Yeah, we've been treating women
like people all week.

Can't we have one day off?

Don't you think
it's a little inappropriate

to be leering at other women
while our wives are at home?

Hey, just 'cause I'm in
a committed relationship

doesn't mean I gave up
the right to be creepy.

If anything, it gives us
the right to be creepier

because we know
it's not going anywhere.

Yeah, it's...
it's just fantasies.

Well, I'm single...
I still have a shot.

(scoffs)
See?

Fantasies.

(laughs)

Can we talk about something
other than women, please?

Sports, politics, religion...
anything at all.

The weather. Anything.

Well, the weather's been nasty
and needs to be spanked.

You're a pig.
We're all pigs,

and if I can't roll around
in my own filth, I'm leaving.

Wait, you're going, too?
Oink, oink, my friend. You coming?

No, Molly's working late.

I'm gonna stick around
with Samuel.

Mm, I'm leaving, too.

I've seen enough.

For what I need.

Fine, beat it.

I intend to.
Get out.

Anything else I
can do for you?

Yes, make good choices.

Says the guy
drinking alone.

Good point...
can I get another beer?

If it isn't
Officer Creamer.

Hey, wh-where did
you come from?

Oh, Oklahoma.

No, I mean
here, tonight.

Oh, the station.

They said this was
a good place to grab a drink.

It is, it is, uh...

I was just on my
way out, so, uh...

Okay.

What the hell?

I can sit
for one beer.

Great.

Will you bring us
a pitcher?

Don't worry, I know where
all the checkpoints are.

Oh, I always wanted
to be a cop.

In grade school
I was a hall monitor.

The badge, the fear
in a third grader's eyes

when they didn't have
a hall pass.

(chuckles)

God, I loved
the power.

Well, my dad was a
cop, so I'm a cop.

That's the only
reason?

Well, that and
the uniform.

I don't like thinking about
what I have to wear every day.

Mailman never
crossed your mind?

I like the
shorts idea,

my head's too big
for a safari hat.

I'll be right back,
I'm gonna run to the restroom.

Hang on, you
got a pass?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Make good choices.

Mmm, something smells good.

It's not for you,
it's for Mike.

What is it with you two
and bogarting the bacon?

He was out really late
last night,

and I have a feeling he's
gonna need a hangover helper.

Morning!

See you tonight.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, party man,
sit down.

You know, I should
really get going.

Well, it's 8:30 in the morning.

What's so important at work?

Nothing,
there's nothing at work.

Well, then you have time
for a nice breakfast.

Why are you so good to me?

You made me that great
breakfast yesterday,

and I just ran out.

Well, hey, I mean,
you got things to do.

You're an important writer lady.

I'm just a stupid, stupid cop!

All right, calm down.
They're just eggs.

I don't deserve eggs.

I don't deserve anything.

Mike!

What...

What's with him?

Maybe he's still drunk.

Lucky son of a bitch.

Want to stop by
Abe's for breakfast?

Not hungry.

Oh, you eat at home?

No, I'm just not hungry.

I don't mean to alarm you,

but the last time you
skipped breakfast,

you were six days into
that obstructed bowel.

Just drop it.

I'm trying
to process something, okay?

Can I do it
in silence, please?

Of course.

Is it about us?
No.

I wish I could believe you.

All right, I'll tell you,

but you can't say anything.

Of course.

You know that new rookie, Stacey?
Yeah.

She kissed me.

What, on purpose?

Yeah, after you left
the bar last night, she came in.

We had a couple of drinks,
and she planted one on me.

Was it a friendly
kiss or a sexy kiss?

Show me on my hand.

Get out!

Well, then what'd you do?

I ran my ass out of there.

All right, then you
did nothing wrong.

Well, then why do I feel
like crap?

Maybe because you been flirting
with her all week,

you didn't leave the bar
when you should have,

and you ended the night
smooching up on some strange.

Oh, God, how am I gonna
tell Molly about this?

You don't.
You don't say a word.

You keep those
kissable lips shut.

But... I just...
Shut. Shut it.

Not a peep.

I got to say, it's kind of nice,

you being the one
that's in trouble

and me sitting on the high horse
for a change.

Ride 'em, Carl boy.

(clicking tongue)

Meet me at the coffee pot.

Okay.

Bring your cup;
this has to look natural.

Sorry.

Look, we need to get something
very, very clear, okay?

Those do not touch these
ever again.

I know, I know.
I have absolutely no idea

why I did that.

Well, it's not
a complete mystery.

Look, I just got out
of a horrible relationship,

and you were so nice to me.

Drink.

Mmm, coffee.

Yum.

Look, we are coworkers
and nothing else, okay?

I am a happily married man,
and I love my wife

more than anything in the world.

Understood.
Great.

Can I say one thing?
What is it?

The fact that you're so loyal
is a really big turn-on for me.

Hey.

You need to control yourself,

'cause this prime rib
is off the market.

(groaning)

I don't want to.

Out.

Out, damn spot.

Molly, can you help me
with this?

Sorry, old bean,
busy with the book.

(bell dinging)

I can help you with that.

No! No, go away!

Michael, is there something
I should know?

No, nothing.

Your tie is growing;
I know you're lying.

(typing)

Show her on my hand, man.

Carl, get out of here!

You should have beat it
when I did.

I know.
Remember,

it doesn't mean anything
if they kiss you.

(dinging continues)

No!

(gasps)

(groans)

Molly, I love you,
I love you so much.

I love you, too, sweetie.

And the last thing
in the world

I would ever want to do
is hurt you.

Okay.

And if I could undo what I did,
I would.

What the hell did you do?

Technically, nothing.

It was, it was done to me,

but I should've never been there
to let it happen.

Okay, what's the "i""
that we're talking about?

A kiss by a girl.

Wait, you kissed someone?

No, no, no, she kissed me.
Who kissed you?

A girl at work.
Where?

At the bar.
No, on your body!

Well, on the lips.
Where else would she kiss me?

I don't know!

I don't even know what's
going on right now.

Okay, the new rookie

from work came out to the bar
last night,

and we were just talking
about police stuff.

Next thing I knew, she gets up
to go to the bathroom,

and she plants one on me.

Did you kiss her back?

No! I don't know!

It happened so fast.
I was so stupid.

I should've left
when the guys did.

Yeah, well, why didn't you?

Well, because you weren't home
and I didn't want to be alone.

Oh, so this is my fault?

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, this is on me.

It doesn't matter
that you haven't been around.

I haven't been around 'cause
I'm trying to finish a book

which is for us.

I know,
I've just missed you lately.

Well, I missed you, too.
You don't see me

running around,
kissing other people.

Look,

from the bottom of my heart,
I am sorry.

I will never let anything
like this happen ever again.

You are the most important thing
in my life.

I don't want to lose you.

Oh, for God's sakes, you're
not gonna lose me, dummy.

I am not happy...

about this.

I know.

You need to keep those
stupid lips in your pants.

I will, I promise.

(sighs)

And the next time
that you are...

feeling a little lonely or...

you know, underappreciated,

will you just come
and talk to me

and not put yourself
in an awkward situation?

I won't.

Thanks for being
so understanding.

Well, it happens.

I learned that lesson
at my writer's workshop.

I mean, you may be just
looking for a shoulder rub,

but there's always someone

that's looking to
rub something else.

Wait, what?

I told you about that.

No, you didn't.

I didn't?

Huh.

Well, I forgive you.

Thanks for the advice, Carl,

because I did
the exact opposite.

I told Molly what happened,
and now everything's fine.

I always knew
you were gonna tell her.

You just needed a little push
in the wrong direction.

Where is she?

Are you her, huh?

Hey, no, Mol.
Are you her?

Mol, no.
No?

Ah, how about you? Oh-ho-ho.

How about you?

Hey! Hey.

Hey.

Over by the coffee.

Good, because that would be
a tall tree to take down.

Hey.

I'm just here visiting my man.

Did you hear that,
"my man"?

We haven't met.

I'm-I'm Stacey.

I know who you are.

And I know what you are,
and I want you to keep your lips

and your whore creamer
away from my husband.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

See you at home!

(whispering):
I'm watching you.

God, I love that woman.