Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - San Juan Puerto Rico Blows but San Juan Capistrano... - full transcript

*MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES*
Season 04 Episode 08

Title: "San Juan Puerto Rico Blows
but San Juan Capistrano

Announcer speaking
Spanish over PA...

Welcome to
San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Okay, team, now I will read you
the mystery message

that brought us here
to San Juan.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

every year the swallows return
from their annual migration

to build their nests here at the
mission of San Juan Capistrano.

But they don't
come back anymore.

Where are the swallows?



May God bless you and keep you,
Sister Agnes."

- San Juan Capistrano?
- That's right, dude.

So, what are we doing
in San Juan, Puerto Rico?

Oh, damn.
Oh, double dog, damn.

Let me call Deezy.

- Hello?
- Deezy, what's up, fool?

You got us
in the wrong San Juan.

Pigeon says
we're in Puerto Rico.

Okay, hold up, Mike.
Lemme see what I did here.

It looks like I booked you on a flight
to the wrong San Juan.

The one you're in
is in Puerto Rico.

Yeah,
that's what Pigeon said.

Okay, good, good.

Okay, at least now
we're on the same page.



You know
what I bet happened?

I bet I started to type
"San Juan,"

and then it just
filled it in for me.

You know,
that smart type.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sure enough you have to
put in "Capistrano."

Okay, that's my bad, Mike.

I'm sorry for
the inconvenience.

Oh, no inconvenience
at all, Deezy.

I would've done the same thing
with that smart type.

Michael,
what is going on?

Well they call it
"smart type"

but it can lead you
to make a dumb mistake.

That's interesting.
That'd be good for a stand-up comedian

- to talk about.
- Mmm-hmm.

Now it looks like
there are no direct flights

from San Juan Puerto Rico
to San Juan Capistrano.

I think Deezy says
we gotta live here forever.

What?

Oh, no, no, no, Mike.

I just don't want you to have
to have a layover somewhere.

Deezy is saying he thinks he has to
lay off some of you.

No, Mike.

Here's what I...
Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna book you
on a private charter flight

with direct service
to San Juan Capistrano.

Now, costs a little bit extra,
but you're worth it.

And this is on me
because this was my bad.

Don't beat
yourself up, Deezy.

Mmm, my credit card
was declined.

But don't worry,
I got your credit card right here.

Oh! Ah, I mean,
this is the life.

Now, just between you and me
and the bumblebees,

I thought when I got involved
with your father,

there would be a lot more
of this, you know?

Like champagne and caviar,
not that dirty van.

And even that house.
I mean, come on,

it's a three bedroom, one-and-half bath
in a subdivision in Vegas.

- Hello?
- Where is the money?

Well, most of it's
in a trust fund for me.

I get it when I turn 21.

What? How much?

Mmm, it's like, $500 million.

Are you effing kidding me?

No, I think it's like, $530 million.

Oh, I just had an orgasm.

Okay, I have to know.

What is the first thing
you're gonna buy?

Diamonds? New tits?
Diamond tits?

Uh, no, I'm not gonna buy anything.
I'm just gonna save it.

Oh, my God.
Really?

So we're just gonna
stay in that house,

driving around
in that shitty van?

I mean, kill me. You know?
Just kill me now.

What the is happening?

- Is everything okay?
- I'm afraid not.

The plane is completely unresponsive.

The instruments
have gone crazy.

It's the Bermuda Triangle.

We're being sucked into
the Bermuda Triangle.

They say it's a legend.
It's no legend.

I'm sorry.

Where are the other parachutes?

There are no other parachutes.

Of course, if the US had voted to make
Puerto Rico a state,

we would have to abide by
FAA regulations.

But you said,
"No, be a territory."

So, you know,
this one's on you guys.

As we say in Puerto Rico,

"Hasta la vista, baby!"

Yung?

Hey, guys!
Are we in heaven, Marquess?

Okay, ugh, no.
This is definitely not heaven.

Heaven is crowded as
a mother.

And it's dark.

Everyone thinks it's gonna be
white clouds and pearly gates,

but let me tell you,
it is a dump and a shitshow.

Welcome.

Please, follow me.

The Commodore
would like to see you.

Wait, where's Pigeon?

Oh,
he's going through processing.

Oh, that's cute,
for the Bermuda Triangle.

It's the KRC Triangle.

KFC? Mmm, that sounds good.
I'm hungry.

No, K-R-C.

It stands for "Knowledge,
Responsibility and Control."

And buttermilk biscuits.

The five-dollar meal.

Original recipe
or extra crispy.

Finger lickin' good!

Open that door,
I wanna meet the Colonel.

Um, the Commodore.

Ah, welcome, welcome.

Please, have a seat.

I'm I. Ron Hubbard,
founder of Scientology.

I thought you died.

No, young fellow,
I just came here.

I'm sure
you have many questions.

Allow me to answer them all.

Let's start at the beginning.

Why does man exist?

The answer,
why should he not exist?

Or to be more precise,

is the point of man to exist?

Or to be more,
you know, precise,

what are
the 11 herbs and spices?

To answer that,
we must first talk about Xenu.

Also referred to as Xemu.

He was the alien dictator
of the galactic confederacy.

Xenu or Xemu,
some people say Xemu...

Some people say KFC, some people say
Kentucky Fried Chicken,

I don't really have an opinion,
but KFC is faster.

Ah, but we mustn't lose sight

of the fact that Scientology
is the study of knowingness.

It increases one's knowingness.

I want to have knowingness
of the secret recipe.

I promise I won't tell anyone.

Clams.

I knew it!
That's all that taste is, clams!

And as they continue
their evolution

and mastery of their own minds,

why, they can move in all directions
through vibrations,

and thus ready themselves
for interplanetary travel.

I liked it when
Norm MacDonald played you.

M'kay. Okay,
so we're gonna go.

Well, you can't go.
You see, no one goes.

No one leaves
the Bermuda Triangle,

or the Church of Scientology.

That's why we made this
our flagship location.

He's clear.

Pigeon, are you okay?
What did they do to you?

Oh, well, they hooked me up
to this little fake machine,

and then they asked me
a bunch of personal questions.

And I spilled my guts,

so now if I ever leave,
they'll tell everybody I'm secretly gay.

So I can never leave.

But on the other hand,
I do feel better.

I feel clear.

Just like they kept saying
I would.

Now, let's get
the rest of them processed.

Oh, Marjorie, before we process
our new friends,

why don't we go feed the birds?

They give me such joy.

Are those swallows?

Some time ago, they got
sucked into the Triangle.

Perhaps global warming
caused the trade winds

to alter their course.

But perhaps,
something deep inside them

wanted to know more about
who they really were.

They've all been processed
and are clear.

These are the swallows
of San Juan Capistrano.

That's the mystery we were
supposed to be solving.

The swallows were sucked into
the Bermuda Triangle

just like us.

Now we have to figure out
how to get out.

Wait.

What is the opposite of suck?

- Blow.
- Yes!

Now, I don't have it all
figured out yet,

but, swallows, suck,

blow, blow.

Suck.

Swallow, blow, suck.

Swallow, blow.
Blow, suck, swallow.

Swallow, blow.

- Suck...
- Okay,

maybe it's because
I'm so clear now,

but you saying, "blow," "suck," "swallow,"
is giving me an idea.

I think what we need to do,

is that one of us needs to
suck off I. Ron Hubbard,

and just
give him a good suck job, and then...

And this part won't make sense to you
because none of you are clear.

But I can tell you
with absolute clarity

as a high-level Scientologist,

that we will end up in San Juan Capistrano
with all these dumb birds.

Oh, sisters, look,

the swallows have returned.

I'm so sorry
for what you all endured.

Being preached
a made-up religion,

full of fanciful stories,

designed to take advantage
of the gullible and get their money...

Oh, shameful.

Care to give to the Church?

After all,

Jesus who walked on water
and turned water into wine,

gave his life
to provide the way to heaven,

a magical, fanciful place
in the sky,

where we shall live
among the angels!

Sync corrections by srjanapala