Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - The Monahans and MacGoverns - full transcript
Star-crossed young lovers from feuding Southern families ask the team for help.
*MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES*
Title : "The Monahans and MacGoverns"
I love you,
Josephine Monahan.
I love you too,
Clayton MacGovern.
- I want to be with you.
- You're with me right now.
No, not just sneaking around
in a barn at night.
You know that can't be.
Neither of our families
would allow it.
Then run away with me!
To hell with our families!
Shh, shh!
Oh no, it's my brother, Tucker,
and his stupid friend, J.D.
They're probably drunk.
You gotta get out of here, Clayton.
Tucker'll shoot you dead if he
catches you on our property.
Also because you just
had your **** inside me.
- It still is.
- What are you talking about?
I'm still inside of you,
pretty Josephine.
Oh.
Well, then,
you best get going.
I'll go out and distract him
while you sneak out the back.
I'll see you
tomorrow night.
You bet your little penis
you will.
Hey, J.D., you got any more
beer in that cooler?
No, Tuck, we're out.
Don't you got any weed?
Yeah, I got weed,
you dumb-ass.
I got a stash in the barn.
What the...
Don't you point that
at me!
Jo-Jo, what the ****
are you doing in the barn?
I was just riding
one of the stallions.
Was the stallion's name
Clayton MacGovern?
Oh, shut up, J.D.!
Run, Clayton!
Let's get him!
"Dear Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
I'm in love with a girl,
and she's in love with me.
But, unfortunately,
our families have been in a feud
going back generations,
so our love cannot be.
Please help.
Yours very truly, Clayton MacGovern.
Do you know anything about
how to increase penis size?
Asking for a friend."
Oh, Yung, uh, you actually do know
something about increasing penis size.
- What?
- Yeah, yeah.
Because I watched you
shower this morning,
and you increased
my penis size.
Up-high, Marquess!
Pigeon, her father
is standing right here.
Which is why I didn't say
what I wanted to say,
which is that
I watched her shower
and slather soap
all over her naked body,
and I didn't get hard.
Not even remotely.
But I did not
say that precisely,
because I didn't want
to offend her father.
And I appreciate that,
Pigeon.
To the Mystery Mobile!
Hey. Hey, hold up.
Mike! Hold up, team!
Where you guys going?
Wyoming. There's a family
feud involving a tiny penis.
Okay, okay.
Uh, but before you
take on their mystery,
which I know you'll solve
because you guys are the best,
and I know I don't
tell you that enough...
Oh, my God.
Just get to the point.
I hear you, Yung.
Economy of words.
Precision in communication.
Jesus!
Hey, **** you, Pigeon!
Okay, Mike.
As you know, I've been going
through some tough times of late.
I've incurred massive debts
and tax liabilities
that I can never
hope to repay.
But, if I understand
Nevada tax law correctly,
I would be shielded
from this grievance
if I were
"mentally disabled"
and "not someone who could
take care of themselves."
I'm with you so far.
Go on.
Okay, okay.
So, in this scenario,
you would be my caregiver,
and the Mike Tyson Mystery team
would now be
a "daycare center."
Hmm, I like that.
Okay, good, good.
So an inspector will come out to the house
and make sure we have
**** like outer protectors,
bumpers around
any sharp corners,
a gate in front of
the stairs, etcetera.
And I will handle
all of that.
I can't thank you
enough, Deezy.
Unfortunately,
the state does require
that all daycare providers
take a CPR certification class.
You know, in case, God forbid,
I choke on a hot dog or a marble.
Oh, God, don't even
say such a thing, Deezy.
I'm going to run,
not walk, to that CPR class.
Michael, this is silly.
Get in the van!
I wish I could,
Marquess,
but man, like I said,
I'm gonna run, not walk.
I wish I had said I was gonna
drive, not walk,
but I didn't, and I'm a man
to my word.
So, are we still
going to Wyoming, or...
What is happening?
I feel so bad
for this Clayton boy.
When families don't support their
children in matters of the heart...
I... I mean, you love
who you love, and...
I'm just, um...
Feeling lots of feelings,
and, uh...
Really? Really.
No one cares.
Oh, I'm sorry, I was
listening to music.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I was listening to you.
I don't care
what you're feeling.
Look,
I didn't support my son, Bosie,
when he fell in love
with Oscar Wilde
and I'll be damned
if I allow these parents
to make the same mistake
I did. I just...
So much guilt,
so much shame.
I'm sorry, Marquess.
I am really sorry.
Maybe I wasn't clear
when I said
I don't care
what you're feeling,
I should have just said,
"Stop talking!"
Guess who's certified
in CPR, bitches?
I'm sorry, Yung,
I didn't mean to call you a bitch.
But sometimes,
you can be a bitch.
Like the first thing in the
morning before you get your coffee.
Oh, Mi...
Don't you wanna drive?
No, Marquess, I'll just sit
back here ready to save lives.
Buh-buh-buh-buh.
You don't need your seat belts, man.
You got me.
I can bring you back
to life, man.
I have the power of God.
I am God.
Mm-kay.
Drive faster, Marquess,
and feel free to close your eyes.
Hey, Yung, you want to
choke on a sucking candy?
Uh, no thanks.
Here, Pigeon, I learned
the Heimlich maneuver.
Okay, first thing you do
in an emergency.
You look around,
you make sure everything is safe.
Dad!
Then see if the victim
is responsive.
Sir, sir, are you okay?
Now, here's something
I did not know.
You cannot just render aid
without their permission
because of legal whatnots.
Isn't that interesting?
I find that very interesting.
But that's the world
we live in.
So I'm gonna ask the victim
for permission.
Sir, do I have your permission
to render aid? -
What is happening?
The victim has passed out,
and he doesn't appear
to be breathing.
This is called
the AED machine.
It stands for...
I don't know.
Here, let me look it up
on my phone.
- Dad, hurry!
- Oh, my God!
Ugh, I'm not getting
any reception.
Oh, wait, we need
to check and see
if the victim is wearing a
necklace or any metal jewelry,
so we don't electrocute him.
Okay, no jewelry.
That's suprisin'.
He's very flashy.
Michael!
Okay, everyone clear.
Are we there yet?
So why did Clayton
contact you, exactly?
Is it about his tiny dick?
Just so we're clear,
he didn't get that from me.
He got it from his mother.
My side of the family,
you mean.
'Cause I don't have
a tiny dick.
What? What? I don't!
Take your pill,
Mary Lynne.
Okay. Um, there is an additional
reason your son contacted us,
but I'm sure he would prefer
that we speak to him privately.
Do you know where he is?
He better be out in the south
pasture deworming cattle.
But if this is about Josephine
Monahan, you're wasting your time.
She and the rest of her family
can go straight to hell.
May I ask a question?
I think we're all wondering,
can I have a ginger ale?
No, that's not what
we're wondering,
I believe what
we're all wondering
is why your two families
are feuding.
Long ago, it was cattle.
Then it was oil.
Now, it's just
in our blood.
Interesting,
but I think I would have
enjoyed the answer more
if I would have had
a cold glass of ginger ale.
Okay,
Mr. and Mrs. MacGovern...
Please, call us
Monty MacGovern
and Mary Lynne MacGovern.
Mm-kay. It seems longer.
Monty MacGovern
and Mary Lynne MacGovern,
your son is in love.
Shouldn't that be
all that matters?
Even if we were willing
to end this feud,
I want Hugey Monahan
to make the first move.
And good luck with that.
50 milligrams?
What is wrong with you?
There's no way in hell we're making
the first move to end this feud.
Isn't that right,
Hugey?
That's right, Sugar.
Dear Lord!
Oh, my God,
just like that commercial.
No Monahan
will ever marry a MacGovern.
And anyway, Josephine is going
to marry Tucker's best friend
J.D. Montague.
Just so you know,
I'd rather die than marry J.D.
Wait, wait, Josephine!
Nobody needs to die.
I promise this will
all work out.
I'll talk to your parents,
I...
Josephine!
Josephine!
Where are you,
my sweet Josephine?
She ain't your sweet
Josephine for much longer.
We're getting married.
Her parents said so.
J.D., what are you doing?
Oh!
You shot me!
I'm dying.
Stay with him.
I'll go get help.
I did want to marry
a Monahan.
But not Josephine.
It was Tucker I loved.
J.D.'s dead. I killed him!
It was an accident,
I swear!
I believe you, Clayton,
but no one else will.
All I want is
to be with Josephine.
When Tucker sees what I've
done, he'll kill me!
No. Not if you're
already dead.
What?
Here, here, here.
Lie down next to him.
Okay, now we need
a second bullet
to have been fired.
Oh, shit.
Ah, well, at least
it was a peaceful death.
- What is that?
- Sriracha sauce.
Well, I'm doing
this paleo thing.
Well, it's not totally paleo,
because I drink,
I mean, I'm not not gonna
drink, that's crazy.
So basically, I'm just eating
boneless, skinless chicken breast
and kale, and I got
so sick of it
and then my friend, Daniel...
Oh, here we go. Shit.
Here. Now, play dead.
Once everyone leaves,
you'll run off
and I'll tell Josephine
to meet you.
Then, you can finally
be together.
Like Romeo and Juliet.
This is major.
This is so major.
Oh, no! Oh!
They're both dead!
No!
These young men
both dead.
Ah, so tragic!
Clayton, no!
There, there, my dear.
He's not
really dead. Come with me.
Oh, shit. This dude's
still breathing.
Okay, no jewelry.
I can't thank you enough.
All right. Let's go
back in there,
and remember,
you're supposed to be sad.
Right.
Okay, everyone clear.
How the ****
did I electrocute him?
He wasn't even wearing
any jewelry.
He has nipple rings.
We both do.
We got them as a hidden
symbol of our love!
I'm coming to be
with you, Clayton.
Well, at least they both
died a peaceful death.
Title : "The Monahans and MacGoverns"
I love you,
Josephine Monahan.
I love you too,
Clayton MacGovern.
- I want to be with you.
- You're with me right now.
No, not just sneaking around
in a barn at night.
You know that can't be.
Neither of our families
would allow it.
Then run away with me!
To hell with our families!
Shh, shh!
Oh no, it's my brother, Tucker,
and his stupid friend, J.D.
They're probably drunk.
You gotta get out of here, Clayton.
Tucker'll shoot you dead if he
catches you on our property.
Also because you just
had your **** inside me.
- It still is.
- What are you talking about?
I'm still inside of you,
pretty Josephine.
Oh.
Well, then,
you best get going.
I'll go out and distract him
while you sneak out the back.
I'll see you
tomorrow night.
You bet your little penis
you will.
Hey, J.D., you got any more
beer in that cooler?
No, Tuck, we're out.
Don't you got any weed?
Yeah, I got weed,
you dumb-ass.
I got a stash in the barn.
What the...
Don't you point that
at me!
Jo-Jo, what the ****
are you doing in the barn?
I was just riding
one of the stallions.
Was the stallion's name
Clayton MacGovern?
Oh, shut up, J.D.!
Run, Clayton!
Let's get him!
"Dear Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
I'm in love with a girl,
and she's in love with me.
But, unfortunately,
our families have been in a feud
going back generations,
so our love cannot be.
Please help.
Yours very truly, Clayton MacGovern.
Do you know anything about
how to increase penis size?
Asking for a friend."
Oh, Yung, uh, you actually do know
something about increasing penis size.
- What?
- Yeah, yeah.
Because I watched you
shower this morning,
and you increased
my penis size.
Up-high, Marquess!
Pigeon, her father
is standing right here.
Which is why I didn't say
what I wanted to say,
which is that
I watched her shower
and slather soap
all over her naked body,
and I didn't get hard.
Not even remotely.
But I did not
say that precisely,
because I didn't want
to offend her father.
And I appreciate that,
Pigeon.
To the Mystery Mobile!
Hey. Hey, hold up.
Mike! Hold up, team!
Where you guys going?
Wyoming. There's a family
feud involving a tiny penis.
Okay, okay.
Uh, but before you
take on their mystery,
which I know you'll solve
because you guys are the best,
and I know I don't
tell you that enough...
Oh, my God.
Just get to the point.
I hear you, Yung.
Economy of words.
Precision in communication.
Jesus!
Hey, **** you, Pigeon!
Okay, Mike.
As you know, I've been going
through some tough times of late.
I've incurred massive debts
and tax liabilities
that I can never
hope to repay.
But, if I understand
Nevada tax law correctly,
I would be shielded
from this grievance
if I were
"mentally disabled"
and "not someone who could
take care of themselves."
I'm with you so far.
Go on.
Okay, okay.
So, in this scenario,
you would be my caregiver,
and the Mike Tyson Mystery team
would now be
a "daycare center."
Hmm, I like that.
Okay, good, good.
So an inspector will come out to the house
and make sure we have
**** like outer protectors,
bumpers around
any sharp corners,
a gate in front of
the stairs, etcetera.
And I will handle
all of that.
I can't thank you
enough, Deezy.
Unfortunately,
the state does require
that all daycare providers
take a CPR certification class.
You know, in case, God forbid,
I choke on a hot dog or a marble.
Oh, God, don't even
say such a thing, Deezy.
I'm going to run,
not walk, to that CPR class.
Michael, this is silly.
Get in the van!
I wish I could,
Marquess,
but man, like I said,
I'm gonna run, not walk.
I wish I had said I was gonna
drive, not walk,
but I didn't, and I'm a man
to my word.
So, are we still
going to Wyoming, or...
What is happening?
I feel so bad
for this Clayton boy.
When families don't support their
children in matters of the heart...
I... I mean, you love
who you love, and...
I'm just, um...
Feeling lots of feelings,
and, uh...
Really? Really.
No one cares.
Oh, I'm sorry, I was
listening to music.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I was listening to you.
I don't care
what you're feeling.
Look,
I didn't support my son, Bosie,
when he fell in love
with Oscar Wilde
and I'll be damned
if I allow these parents
to make the same mistake
I did. I just...
So much guilt,
so much shame.
I'm sorry, Marquess.
I am really sorry.
Maybe I wasn't clear
when I said
I don't care
what you're feeling,
I should have just said,
"Stop talking!"
Guess who's certified
in CPR, bitches?
I'm sorry, Yung,
I didn't mean to call you a bitch.
But sometimes,
you can be a bitch.
Like the first thing in the
morning before you get your coffee.
Oh, Mi...
Don't you wanna drive?
No, Marquess, I'll just sit
back here ready to save lives.
Buh-buh-buh-buh.
You don't need your seat belts, man.
You got me.
I can bring you back
to life, man.
I have the power of God.
I am God.
Mm-kay.
Drive faster, Marquess,
and feel free to close your eyes.
Hey, Yung, you want to
choke on a sucking candy?
Uh, no thanks.
Here, Pigeon, I learned
the Heimlich maneuver.
Okay, first thing you do
in an emergency.
You look around,
you make sure everything is safe.
Dad!
Then see if the victim
is responsive.
Sir, sir, are you okay?
Now, here's something
I did not know.
You cannot just render aid
without their permission
because of legal whatnots.
Isn't that interesting?
I find that very interesting.
But that's the world
we live in.
So I'm gonna ask the victim
for permission.
Sir, do I have your permission
to render aid? -
What is happening?
The victim has passed out,
and he doesn't appear
to be breathing.
This is called
the AED machine.
It stands for...
I don't know.
Here, let me look it up
on my phone.
- Dad, hurry!
- Oh, my God!
Ugh, I'm not getting
any reception.
Oh, wait, we need
to check and see
if the victim is wearing a
necklace or any metal jewelry,
so we don't electrocute him.
Okay, no jewelry.
That's suprisin'.
He's very flashy.
Michael!
Okay, everyone clear.
Are we there yet?
So why did Clayton
contact you, exactly?
Is it about his tiny dick?
Just so we're clear,
he didn't get that from me.
He got it from his mother.
My side of the family,
you mean.
'Cause I don't have
a tiny dick.
What? What? I don't!
Take your pill,
Mary Lynne.
Okay. Um, there is an additional
reason your son contacted us,
but I'm sure he would prefer
that we speak to him privately.
Do you know where he is?
He better be out in the south
pasture deworming cattle.
But if this is about Josephine
Monahan, you're wasting your time.
She and the rest of her family
can go straight to hell.
May I ask a question?
I think we're all wondering,
can I have a ginger ale?
No, that's not what
we're wondering,
I believe what
we're all wondering
is why your two families
are feuding.
Long ago, it was cattle.
Then it was oil.
Now, it's just
in our blood.
Interesting,
but I think I would have
enjoyed the answer more
if I would have had
a cold glass of ginger ale.
Okay,
Mr. and Mrs. MacGovern...
Please, call us
Monty MacGovern
and Mary Lynne MacGovern.
Mm-kay. It seems longer.
Monty MacGovern
and Mary Lynne MacGovern,
your son is in love.
Shouldn't that be
all that matters?
Even if we were willing
to end this feud,
I want Hugey Monahan
to make the first move.
And good luck with that.
50 milligrams?
What is wrong with you?
There's no way in hell we're making
the first move to end this feud.
Isn't that right,
Hugey?
That's right, Sugar.
Dear Lord!
Oh, my God,
just like that commercial.
No Monahan
will ever marry a MacGovern.
And anyway, Josephine is going
to marry Tucker's best friend
J.D. Montague.
Just so you know,
I'd rather die than marry J.D.
Wait, wait, Josephine!
Nobody needs to die.
I promise this will
all work out.
I'll talk to your parents,
I...
Josephine!
Josephine!
Where are you,
my sweet Josephine?
She ain't your sweet
Josephine for much longer.
We're getting married.
Her parents said so.
J.D., what are you doing?
Oh!
You shot me!
I'm dying.
Stay with him.
I'll go get help.
I did want to marry
a Monahan.
But not Josephine.
It was Tucker I loved.
J.D.'s dead. I killed him!
It was an accident,
I swear!
I believe you, Clayton,
but no one else will.
All I want is
to be with Josephine.
When Tucker sees what I've
done, he'll kill me!
No. Not if you're
already dead.
What?
Here, here, here.
Lie down next to him.
Okay, now we need
a second bullet
to have been fired.
Oh, shit.
Ah, well, at least
it was a peaceful death.
- What is that?
- Sriracha sauce.
Well, I'm doing
this paleo thing.
Well, it's not totally paleo,
because I drink,
I mean, I'm not not gonna
drink, that's crazy.
So basically, I'm just eating
boneless, skinless chicken breast
and kale, and I got
so sick of it
and then my friend, Daniel...
Oh, here we go. Shit.
Here. Now, play dead.
Once everyone leaves,
you'll run off
and I'll tell Josephine
to meet you.
Then, you can finally
be together.
Like Romeo and Juliet.
This is major.
This is so major.
Oh, no! Oh!
They're both dead!
No!
These young men
both dead.
Ah, so tragic!
Clayton, no!
There, there, my dear.
He's not
really dead. Come with me.
Oh, shit. This dude's
still breathing.
Okay, no jewelry.
I can't thank you enough.
All right. Let's go
back in there,
and remember,
you're supposed to be sad.
Right.
Okay, everyone clear.
How the ****
did I electrocute him?
He wasn't even wearing
any jewelry.
He has nipple rings.
We both do.
We got them as a hidden
symbol of our love!
I'm coming to be
with you, Clayton.
Well, at least they both
died a peaceful death.