Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 20 - The Pigeon Has Come Home to Roost - full transcript

*MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES*
Season 03 Episode 20

Episode Title :
"The Pigeon Has Come to Roost"

Hold still.

Everyone thinks
they want Asian hair

but it's just so straight
and heavy and coarse.

Wha... And what can you do
with it? Beachy waves? I wish.

Don't get me wrong,
it's incredibly shiny

and silky.

Are you sure you don't just
wanna grow it out?

No. I like having a bob.

It's easy.



Hmm, suit yourself.

Ah, uh-oh.

- What?
- Nothing.

It's just a little uneven.
Uh.

Just take a little more off
this is... Mmm.

What?

Nothing, hmm.

Okay, hold on, just...

Just stop, stop
tilting your chin.

I'm not tilting my chin.

Ah, oh, hold on. Whoops.

- Marquess.
- Just...

Um, ah, there. Um, no.

There.



Hey team, got a new mystery.

What the
happened to your hair?

What did you do?

It's not my fault.
It's that Asian hair.

It's like cutting rope.

Where's Pigeon?

I think he's still asleep.

It's 11:00 am.

That's depression or
it's luxurious.

After all, it's the weekend.

It's Tuesday.

Then that's definitely
depression or he's just tired.

Hey Pigeon, get down here.
We got a new mystery.

Pigeon.

- Pigeon, hey Pigeon.
- Michael.

- Just go upstairs.
- Pigeon?

Mother ****.
Get down here, now.

- Stop shouting.
- I don't wanna call you no mo...

Don't make me call you
one more you, you...

You flea-infested vomit.

Flying vomit.

Why did you tell me you knew
how to cut hair,

when you obviously don't know
how to cut hair?

Well, I'm sorry. It's been a
hot minute since I've done it.

I think it's been,
I don't know, 150 years?

I used to cut
Sir Rodney Pumpbutter's hair

and then I'd always finish him
off with a blowie.

That's what we called
a blowout back then.

Get your minds...
You know what?

Never mind.

You looked like an 11 year-old
boy before and you still do.

So, as I used to tell
Rodney Pumpbutters...

Stop riding my ass.

Can you damn mother ****
shut **** the up, please?

I'm hungover as hell.

What?

Pigeon, you're not a pigeon.

Oh, my God.

It must've worn off.

Sandra's spell.

Must've worn off.

That's crazy. How do you feel?

I don't know.

I guess excited, judging from
this world class erection.

I had got used to seeing that little bird
dick, this looks like a loaf of bread.

More like
a baguette.

I'd like to put that in my
bicycle basket and ride home.

Right, Yung? I shouldn't have
said that, that's not right.

I, I should go put on
some clothes.

No, don't!

Do whatever, I mean,
I don't care.

What happened
to your hair?

You got that moon-pie face.
You need more hair.

Not less.

So you're... You're leaving?

Well, now that
I'm a man again,

it doesn't make any sense
to stay here.

Especially, since I was just using
you guys for food and shelter.

Good luck
with those mysteries.

What? So, now he's just gone?

Well this is very sudden, I...

Good mornin' fella.

Good mornin, shithead.

What? What's going on?

That's the second complete stranger
that called me a shithead today.

It's not even noon.

Oh, he must've changed
his mind.

- Hey everybody.
- Oh.

It's just Deezy.

Damn, a brother can't catch
a break today.

What you want Deezy?

Come on, Mike.
We got a signing this morning.

We gotta be at Dick's
Sporting Goods in 15 minutes.

No wait, Foot Locker.

No, wait, Sport Chalet.

That's where it is.

No, no, wait. It's Big 5.

**** I don't remember
where it's at.

Maybe, none of those places.

I think I got it written down
somewhere in the car.

Okay, cool.

Let me get my sunglasses.

Hey, while we're gone,

you two can start interviewing new
potential candidates to replace Pigeon.

What?

- Pigeon quit the team?
- Yeah, he left.

What? Okay, Okay.
Hold on.

Damn, I think I lost
my sunglasses.

Marquess, give me yours.

These aren't sunglasses.

Yeah, these'll be good.

Okay team.
Let's solve some mysteries.

Where'd you get
that tracksuit?

Oh this? I made it.

I was selling them online
for 150 bucks a unit.

Until I got a cease and desist
in the mail.

- From who?
- From GUESS.

- Okay...
- What?

Um, Tommy Hilfiger?

No, GUESS, the clothing line.

I am dumbass.

- Armani?
- GUESS.

Oh, this is fun.
Diane Von Furstenberg.

- Mike.
- Calvin Klein.

- GUESS.
- Versace.

- GUESS.
- Mossimo for Target.

- GUESS.
- I am, mother.

- Sergio Valente.
- GUESS, God dammit.

The brand is GUESS.

The brand is Levi's
mother.

Oh my God. What...

Oh, oh, oh. Michael Kors.

Oh no. Poor Pigeon.

What are you talking about?

This is Pigeon. He just don't
look like Pigeon right now.

And he also... He's dead.

Damn.

So, I guess that means I'm
definitely on the team, huh?

Can I live in his room?

I currently embroiled in a dispute
with my landlord. -

And uh, also rest
in peace, Pigeon?

I always loved you and I
didn't get a chance to say so.

Okay, I'm gonna go
get my out the car.

And bring it inside, since
that's where I've been living.

You know, because of
that dispute.

When I was younger,
I remember

grandmother
taking me to the knitting store.

We would spend hours together
picking out the perfect yarn

from all the beautiful colors.

And then we would
sit in her parlor

together, knitting
all afternoon.

Sometimes she would
braid my hair.

And there would always be time
for cookies.

I will always miss those times
with Gram.

But I will always forever
cherish the memories.

Amen.

Michael, what was that?

It's a eulogy I got off
the internet

when I did a search
for typical eulogy speech.

I didn't have the time or the
inclination to write my own.

And this one seemed perfect.

Dad, don't you think it's weird that
we had him buried at a pet cemetery?

Well, I bought the plot years
ago when he was still a bird.

I got plots for all of us.

Mine is in Arlington
National Cemetery.

Right next to the Tomb of the
Unknown Soldier.

Marquess, you're gonna be buried in
California right next to Marilyn Monroe.

Because I know how much
you love her.

Oh my God.
Thank you, Michael.

And Yung, your final resting place
will be in your homeland of Korea.

I can't remember if it's North
or South Korea.

I didn't make
the arrangements.

Deezy did.

I thought you said,
North or South Carolina.

We got hers in South Carolina.

About 30 minutes from Charleston,
if I'm not mistaken.

Oh, that's interesting.

Real interesting.

30 minutes away
from Charleston.

Marquess, go ahead.

Okay, ahem.

We pour this one out
for our homie, Pigeon.

Oh my... Oh, my God.

He's not even in anything.

It's a pet cemetery.
They only had little coffins.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Pigeon would've wanted us
to get on with our lives.

Damn, where the hell
is the light switch?

Oh, well, well, well.

Pigeon?
I thought you were dead.

Shut the door and keep
your voice down.

What are you doing in here?

In my room?

Shouldn't I ask you that?

How you still alive?

And who's that man we buried?

Listen close.

Because I'm only gonna
say this once.

In 1979 I stole $400 million
from the Albanian mafia.

I got away with it clean.

Until 1989, I bragged about it
to a Lithuanian whore.

Who, you guessed it, was
actually an Albanian whore.

I blame the cocaine.

Well, I'll tell ya.

The one mafia you don't wanna run
afoul of is the Albanian mafia.

You know they made a guy
eat himself

in his own home.

In front of his wife and kids.
Hacked off pieces of him,

sewed him back up,
served him the pieces.

Took six months, they say.

That was in Malta, they say.

But I know it was Riga.

Latvia, beautiful place,
right there on the water.

They made the wife eat the guy
and it was done in a week.

And that was a fact.

So, I knew I had to disappear.

Forever.

And there was this division of
the Pakistani royal guard.

Headed by a guy, Dr. Khan,

who supposedly was attempting to
surgically turn people into animals.

They're obsessed by the scheme of having
a rabbit blow up the Israeli Knesset.

Anyhoo, for a $100 million
he turned me into a pigeon.

And I've lived that way
ever since.

Till about a month ago.

We were in Newport beach,

we'd just solved one of these
dumb mysteries.

And I did a bunch of cocaine,

**** some rich housewife and bragged
about stealing the 400 million

from the Albanian mafia.

Well, turns out that housewife
was married to a lawyer

for the Albanian mafia.

So, I knew it wouldn't be long
before they came for me here.

So, to end it once
and for all,

I decided to let them kill me.

Or at least think they did.

I met a guy.
A failed actor,

who'd recently been diagnosed
with a terminal ailment

of some kind, and wanted
to end his life.

We did a bunch of cocaine
and he agreed to have

facial and vocal reconstructive
surgery to look and sound like me.

Once I knew the Albanian mafia
was watching the house,

I sent him out in the street

to be run over by another guy.

Who I had also met and done
cocaine with that same night.

Who said he needed to
kill somebody to join a gang.

Do Mike and the team know?

What they don't know

will keep them alive.

Not for very long.

You see my name is
Amir Bakshimi.

You've heard this name, yes?

You took my money.

And now I'm here to take
your life.

Ah, how?

I also paid $100 million
to have surgery to make me

look and sound like
someone else.

I'm gonna start by cutting
off your wings.

I wonder if Pigeon wings taste
as good as chicken wings.

You'll have to tell me.

Ah!

Oh. ****

Good thing I had my pistol.

I keep it with me and loaded.

You know
my landlord situation.

- What?
- What the is going on?

Congratulations, Deezy.

You passed the test.

You are now an official member

of the Mike Tyson
Mystery Team.

- What was the test?
- Killing someone.

We all had to kill someone
to join the team.

You're one of us now.

Wait a second.

So, this whole thing was like,
an elaborate plan?

I-I I-I didn't wanna
kill someone.

Too late.

You're in.

You got what you wanted.

Am I going to jail?

No. We operate above the law.

We're a special secret
government strike team.

Also known as the Mike Tyson Special
Secret Government Strike Team.

Synchronized by srjanapala