Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 19 - Real Bitches of Newport Beach - full transcript

*MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES*
Season 03 Episode 19

Episode Title :
"Real Bitches of Newport Beach"

Helena! Have you
brought in the mail yet?

Not yet, senora.

Then do it, I'm busy.

You can't have Newport
Beach without a Newport bitch.

Guess who I saw
out at dinner last night?

Oh, my God, who?

Amanda, and let's just say
she's not anorexic anymore.

Every beach town
needs a bitch in a gown.

And that bitch is me.



Amanda better watch out or Travis is
gonna leave her fat ass for the nanny.

And will you check on the baby
and see if she needs changing

and if she does need changing,
change her.

Ooh, I got my invite!

Kristi Hildebrand
and her husband Kevin

host the Tux and Tiara Charity Ball
every year for muscular dystrophy

and it is the event
in Newport Beach

and if you aren't on that invite list
you may as well just move to Anaheim.

I got mine yesterday.

In fact, I'm on my way to Kent Ellatrashe
right now for a dress fitting.

Oh, I'm seeing him
on Thursday.

I'm thinking something real low-cut
to show off my new C-cups.

Thank you, Dr. Slater.

Oh, Tiff, let me call you
later, that's Kimber calling.



Just like the beach,
I like to make waves.

Oh, and also,
I'm a bitch.

I didn't get invited.

What are you talking about?

People got their invitations
either today or yesterday.

Believe me,
I talked to everyone.

I've known Kristi and Kevin
for 11 years

and I've never not been
invited to the Tux and Tiara

Charity Ball
for Muscular Sclerosis.

I mean, I can't figure out why.
It's a mystery.

Hey, team,
we got a new mystery.

I'm known for three things. Boxing,
mystery solving, and being a bitch.

It just makes no sense.

Kristi is
a good friend of mine.

Her and I take yoga together,

her and I's kids
go to the same school.

Have, uh, her and you thought of
taking a basic English class?

I'm sorry, miss.
He wanting you.

He want his mother.

Chance say,
"I want my mommy."

I can't hold you, Chance.

Dr. Slater said I can't lift
anything for another month.

Mommy's new boobies
need time to heal.

Graciela, just get
him out of here!

Yes, missus.

It's okay, Chance, baby.

Your mama is working
right now.

Well, that's heartbreaking.

Um, so, Kimber, have you and
Kristi ever had a disagreement,

or a misunderstanding?

Of course,
all friends do, I mean...

Three years ago,
she accused my husband Tanner

of groping her at Jillian's
Cinco de Mayo party,

but we still got invited
to the ball that year.

And then a little after that, Kevin
fondled me at Tiffany's Fabulous 40 party

and I told Kristi about it and we hashed
it out. You know, boys will be boys.

Then... we got invited
that year too.

Then about six months ago,
Tanner got really drunk

and called Kevin
and Kristi's daughter a slut,

but we've had dinner
since then.

So I know it's not that.

And even that night,
Kevin groped Tanner and fondled me

and then we all sat next to each
other at church on Sunday, so...

Hey, babe,
I gotta go back to work.

Tanner, this is Mike Tyson
and his mystery team.

They're gonna figure out
why we weren't invited.

Sweet!
Nice to meet you, champ.

I saw you fight Andrew Golota
at the Palace in Auburn Hills.

I was wasted.
I don't even remember who won.

- I did.
- I'll tell you what I do remember.

I titty
a flight attendant that night.

All right, baby,
I'll be home for dinner.

Well, he was nice.

It's fun to think about Chance's
future and all the places he'll go.

Rehab, institutions, prison, then
he'll find Jesus, then rehab again.

Oh, my God!

I hope you can solve this.

We have to go to this ball.

It's not just 'cause I wanna
show off my perfect new tits.

It's for a good cause.
Multiple dystrophy.

Wait, multiple sclerosis
or muscular dystrophy?

Wait, what?

You combined them.

You, you said, "multiple
dystrophy" and it's muscular...

I don't ****
know or care.

I just wanna go to a ball
and show off my tits.

Where are we going?

To Kristi and Kevin's.

We're not gonna get anything out
of talking to Jillian or Tiffany.

And I don't think Amanda and
Travis will tell us anything

that we can't get from Tanner.

No, the answer lies
with Kristi or Kevin.

Or does the answer lie with the local
clothing designer, Kent Ellatrashe?

And we can't rule out renowned
plastic surgeon Dr. Slater.

How the **** do you remember
all these assholes' names?

What can I say?
I'm good with names, bird.

Little city bird.

And how's that ghost
doing back there?

You haven't talked
much, ghost.

Chinese girl got your tongue?

Can I help you?

Yeah, we're here to see
Kristi or Kevin,

or just Kristi
or just Kevin.

Marta, who is it?

Oh, hi, I'm Kristi.

There's no I in team,
but there's an I in Kristi.

There's also an I in bitch.

And it's the same I.
I'm a bitch.

Hi, I'm former heavyweight
champion of the world, Mike Tyson.

And you're
on Mike Tyson Mysteries.

What?

Can we ask you
a few questions, ma'am?

Yeah, sure.
Come on in.

Nice tits!
Dr. Slater?

Wait, what?

Kimber said
I didn't invite her?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, but I did invite her.

Her and I are
super good friends.

Does she think
I'm upset about Tanner

fondling my mother
at Megan's Sweet 16 party?

I mean, I...
I wasn't upset at all.

This is Newport Beach.
These things happen.

Wow, so this is all just
a big misunderstanding.

This is very surprising given
how sophisticated you all are.

Okay, please tell Kimber that
of course her and Tanner are invited.

Her and... Jesus Christ!

And of course,
you're all invited.

Oh, hoh!
Oh, my God.

I love a ball.

Oh, hey, Kristi, girl-to-girl,

do you think you can get me
in to see Kent Ellatrashe?

I... Only because I don't wanna
just grab something off the rack.

I have the type of body
that really needs tailoring.

No, wait,
you know what?

Don't worry about it, I'm just so
excited to go to a ball. I love balls.

I just love balls.

Hey, man,
are you wearing a dress?

What? No!

It is a jumpsuit.

Kent Ellatrashe swears they're
gonna be huge this season.

Evening, everyone.

Ladies.

Who was that?

Dr. Slater.

Hey, don't get any ideas,
bitch.

He's the most
eligible bachelor in Newport.

And he's gonna be mine.

Not if I have
anything to do with it, bitch.

Bitch!

Is everyone
having a good time?

I'm having a ball
at the ball, get it?

Where are Kimber and Tanner?

I mean, after all that bullshit they
don't have the decency to show up?

What a bunch of bitches.

Oh, I forgot to tell them.

Are you kidding me?

Hey, Kimber, it's Mike Tyson.

You were invited to the ball.
It's going on now.

She's on her way.

Is that... Is that Kimber's maid?
Graciela?

She's beautiful.

They're already perfect.

And so are you.

Can I have this dance?

I don't want them too big, I just, I just
want my lips to look fuller, you know,

more of a natural pout.

I'm sorry, I have to take this.
I'm on call tonight.

Darling, I'll be right back.

Graciela.

What the F
are you doing here?

Oh, please forgive me,
missus.

I took your invitation to the
ball and keep it for myself.

I just wanted to be
one time the princess

and not just clean up
for the princess.

Oof. Buenos tatas,
Graciela.

You want my hot tamale?

Ugh, Tanner!

Kimber, Tanner, I see
you've met my girlfriend.

Your what?

Dr. Slater, this woman
is a maid.

I may be a maid,

but I am also

the bitch.

Wait a second, if Graciela is
not at home and we're here,

who's with Chance?

He's fine, I left his
bedroom window open.

He's getting plenty of air.

Let's go
in there and get loaded.

Mama!

Synchronized by srjanapala