Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Gift - full transcript
While helping a busy rich guy find a gift for his wife, Marquess is reminded of his son with whom he never made up after snitching his lover Oscar Wilde to the police, so the gang goes back in time to change history - and kill Hitler.
*MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES*
Season 03 Episode 18
*MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES*
Episode Title : "The Gift"
Can I help you?
Ah? Oh, yeah, hey, yeah.
Sure, maybe.
Uh, I think I'm late
for a meeting?
Uh, with who?
Uh, I don't know.
I think it was supposed
to start at 10:00.
Well, what's your name, sir?
Richard.
It's not gonna be on there.
Look, I'm with the, uh,
Mike Tyson Mystery Squad.
Or Mystery... Mystery Group. Something.
I don't know what it's called.
What? I don't know why you're looking
at me like that. It's Mike Tyson,
one of the world's
most famous people.
He's got a tattoo on his face.
Any of this
ringing a bell, doll?
The Mike Tyson Mystery Team is
meeting with Jonathan Bowman,
and his office
is just down that way.
Mystery Team, you're right.
Thank you.
Good morning.
So, what are some of the
other properties going for?
Nice of you to join us.
- Where were you?
- None of your **** business,
that's where I was.
Okay, well, let me look at the numbers
and I'll get back to you. Take care.
Okay. Sorry about that.
I was saying,
my wife is turning 42 and
I don't know what to get her.
I'd really like it to be something
special, because I work nonstop
and she's at home all day
with our four kids.
Four kids, huh? Hey, I
know what you can get her!
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
- Pigeon!
- What?
I'm hearing great things
about it these days.
They do it with a laser,
it's outpatient.
- You're back on your back in no time.
- Anyway, thank you.
Okay. So, what does she like?
I always just get her
a gift card.
Ugh.
Marquess does not like
these gift cards.
He finds them very impersonal.
I learned that the hard way.
Well, it's like you just gave up.
You just gave up on friendship.
When's her birthday?
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
I know. I'm horrible with this stuff.
Do you think you can help me?
Well, it's not technically a mystery.
But, we'll do it.
- For $800.
- Oh!
Uh, wow. Uh, okay?
Who do I make it out to?
The Mike Tyson Mystery Gang.
Wait. No.
Um, the Mike Tyson
Mystery Bunch.
No, no, no, wait.
What do we call ourselves?
$800?
What? We never charge
for these things.
Man, Deezy always says
we're leaving money on the table.
Man, I mean... These people, man,
we're dealing with. Desperate, man.
I bet I could've got $1000
out of that guy.
Turn right up here.
Where are we going, Marquess?
Don't judge a book. It's a little
hidden gem of an antique store.
My friend, Maxine,
is the owner.
Trust me, she'll have
the perfect gift.
You're gonna love this place.
Hello!
Oh, oh!
Is that who I think it is?
Yes!
My God!
Marquess, I was just
thinking about you.
Because I just got back from
a buying trip to Sedona,
and while I was there,
- I found these salad tongs.
- Mmm.
And, you will die.
I mean, have you ever?
They're so fun!
They're exactly what you want when you're
having friends over, summer night,
out on the patio, just light
stuff, maybe ceviche,
and just a perfect
summer salad.
I have to have them.
No, what am I doing?
What am I doing!
No, we're not
here for me. Shame! Maxi,
we are on a mission to find a birthday
present for a 42-year-old woman.
How fun.
Okay, so what could we do?
Hmm. Let's see, let's see,
let's see, let's see, let's...
Okay, we could do jewelry.
I have a sublime cameo
necklace. Oh, God.
But, maybe that's
too something.
Okay. Does she, uh,
does she drink tea?
I have a darling silver spoon set
that needs just the right home.
And that home is my home.
What about an antique photo?
Ooh.
- Now where were you?
- Making a call.
- Well, who were you calling?
- Jesus Christ,
you're a nosy **** bitch.
What the hell are we all
doing in this dump, anyway?
I'm sorry, Maxi, we have
to go. Let's go.
You know, let me just get
those salad tongs.
Oh! And that little spoon set.
Ah, and I should at least
try on the cameo necklace.
Mmm.
What happened
back there, Marquess?
What was it about that photograph?
Who were those men?
I don't wanna talk about it.
I never want to think about,
or see that photo again.
Marquess, I got
a surprise for you!
Ta-da!
You seemed to respond to this photo, but
then gasped when you saw the price.
But you're a dear friend,
and we just got this $800, so, when
I said I was going back in the shop
to use the bathroom, what I was
really doing was buying this photo.
But, I also did take a shit
in Maxine's bathroom.
Marquess, who are
those people?
Well, the man on the
right is the poet Oscar Wilde,
and the other is... Is my son.
What? Did you just...
You say, your son?
Yes! My son, Alfred.
My wife called him Bosie.
I'm sorry,
did you say your wife?
Stop spitting on me, Pigeon!
Well, stop saying shocking
things while I'm drinking.
"In February of 1895, Marquess
of Queensbury..." That's you.
"Discovered the homosexual
affair between Oscar Wilde
"and his son,
Alfred 'Bosie' Douglas.
"After a drawn-out legal
battle, Queensbury prevailed
"and Oscar Wilde served
two years hard labor."
So, you had Oscar Wilde sent to jail
for being your son's boyfriend?
Damn, Marquess,
you're an asshole.
It-It was a different time.
People weren't as accepting
back then.
- What happened to your son?
- I don't know.
We never spoke after that.
It...
It haunted me
until the day I died.
Of syphilis.
It's true, it's on here.
"He expired after a lengthy battle with
dementia, likely caused by syphilis."
Bosie.
This better be ****
important, Marquess.
It is very **** important.
God damn, Marquess, don't swear
in front of my daughter.
All right, listen.
After a lot of thought,
I've decided to use
- my go-back.
- Oh. What's a go-back?
All ghosts are allowed
one go-back,
where they can go back in time
and right a wrong.
But, you only get one. So, I was saving
mine, you know, for something big,
like, um, you know, go back
in time and kill Hitler.
You know, before he
really got going.
You would not have the balls
to kill Hitler.
Hitler?
Yes. Yes, I would.
Ah, really?
How would you do it?
With a gun! Or...
Something.
You don't know how
to shoot a **** gun.
Well, then! Ah! I'll hit him.
With a shovel.
Where would you get a shovel
and be near Hitler?
Pigeon! It doesn't matter.
Because that's not gonna happen,
because I'm not gonna use
my go-back for it.
I'm gonna use my go-back and
make amends with my son, Bosie.
Why don't you go back a little
further and not name him Bosie?
Are you done?
Are you seriously, seriously done?
Now, here's the fun thing
about a go-back.
Although you only get one, you can take
as many people as you want with you.
Living, dead, it doesn't
matter. Now.
Oh, wait. Now that I think about it,
I think you can only take five.
I think five is the max. But, ah!
There's only three of you,
so we're good. So.
Here's what you do.
We all stand in a circle.
And then I say, "Go back,
go back, let's go back."
And then you say,
"Okay, okay, okay, okay."
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's his house.
You got this, Marquess.
Don't worry about us.
We'll be here, just blending in.
Tip, tip, cheerio.
Top o' the morning
to ya, governor.
Oh, Bosie.
What are you
doing here, Father?
Oh, yes. Well, I want to apologize
to you. For everything.
I'm sorry. And, I love you.
And, I'm sorry.
Oh, and I love that scarf.
Is that J. Crew?
- What?
- What? Nothing.
The important thing is,
I'm sorry.
Well. That means
the world to me.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, Father.
- Bosie, darling? Who's there?
- Hmm?
Ah! Oh. Oscar.
Uh, you're looking well.
You've lost some weight.
Doing hard labor in prison,
thanks to you.
Ah.
Oh, Deezy, I can't,
I'm in London right now.
Why don't you get your sister
to pick you up?
Then get a taxi! Damn, Deezy,
you can't wait until you land
to figure out your ride?
I did it!
He was very happy.
I even apologized to Oscar Wilde!
So, conscience clean.
Successful go-back.
Ah, forgive me, but we're visiting from
Germany and my husband is in there.
Will you watch my baby
while I go get him?
- Yeah, no problem.
- Ah, thank you.
What is your name?
- Mike Tyson.
- I am Klara Hitler,
and this is my baby, Adolf.
Oy, you lot! Mind this shovel while
I go in there and have a piss.
No, I don't... Uh...
Present day, present
day, what do you say, present day!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Whoo! Wasn't that fun?
Well, that was classic. Marquess
had a chance to kill Hitler
and didn't have the balls.
I had the balls. Kill baby Hitler
and save six million Jews?
No-brainer.
I bet that was
a shocking visual
for all those people
on that street, huh?
Oh, no! We never got that guy a
birthday present for his wife!
Oh, you know what? Let's just
get him a **** gift card.
Shalom aleichem.
- Shalom!
- Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom aleichem!
Season 03 Episode 18
*MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES*
Episode Title : "The Gift"
Can I help you?
Ah? Oh, yeah, hey, yeah.
Sure, maybe.
Uh, I think I'm late
for a meeting?
Uh, with who?
Uh, I don't know.
I think it was supposed
to start at 10:00.
Well, what's your name, sir?
Richard.
It's not gonna be on there.
Look, I'm with the, uh,
Mike Tyson Mystery Squad.
Or Mystery... Mystery Group. Something.
I don't know what it's called.
What? I don't know why you're looking
at me like that. It's Mike Tyson,
one of the world's
most famous people.
He's got a tattoo on his face.
Any of this
ringing a bell, doll?
The Mike Tyson Mystery Team is
meeting with Jonathan Bowman,
and his office
is just down that way.
Mystery Team, you're right.
Thank you.
Good morning.
So, what are some of the
other properties going for?
Nice of you to join us.
- Where were you?
- None of your **** business,
that's where I was.
Okay, well, let me look at the numbers
and I'll get back to you. Take care.
Okay. Sorry about that.
I was saying,
my wife is turning 42 and
I don't know what to get her.
I'd really like it to be something
special, because I work nonstop
and she's at home all day
with our four kids.
Four kids, huh? Hey, I
know what you can get her!
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
- Pigeon!
- What?
I'm hearing great things
about it these days.
They do it with a laser,
it's outpatient.
- You're back on your back in no time.
- Anyway, thank you.
Okay. So, what does she like?
I always just get her
a gift card.
Ugh.
Marquess does not like
these gift cards.
He finds them very impersonal.
I learned that the hard way.
Well, it's like you just gave up.
You just gave up on friendship.
When's her birthday?
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
I know. I'm horrible with this stuff.
Do you think you can help me?
Well, it's not technically a mystery.
But, we'll do it.
- For $800.
- Oh!
Uh, wow. Uh, okay?
Who do I make it out to?
The Mike Tyson Mystery Gang.
Wait. No.
Um, the Mike Tyson
Mystery Bunch.
No, no, no, wait.
What do we call ourselves?
$800?
What? We never charge
for these things.
Man, Deezy always says
we're leaving money on the table.
Man, I mean... These people, man,
we're dealing with. Desperate, man.
I bet I could've got $1000
out of that guy.
Turn right up here.
Where are we going, Marquess?
Don't judge a book. It's a little
hidden gem of an antique store.
My friend, Maxine,
is the owner.
Trust me, she'll have
the perfect gift.
You're gonna love this place.
Hello!
Oh, oh!
Is that who I think it is?
Yes!
My God!
Marquess, I was just
thinking about you.
Because I just got back from
a buying trip to Sedona,
and while I was there,
- I found these salad tongs.
- Mmm.
And, you will die.
I mean, have you ever?
They're so fun!
They're exactly what you want when you're
having friends over, summer night,
out on the patio, just light
stuff, maybe ceviche,
and just a perfect
summer salad.
I have to have them.
No, what am I doing?
What am I doing!
No, we're not
here for me. Shame! Maxi,
we are on a mission to find a birthday
present for a 42-year-old woman.
How fun.
Okay, so what could we do?
Hmm. Let's see, let's see,
let's see, let's see, let's...
Okay, we could do jewelry.
I have a sublime cameo
necklace. Oh, God.
But, maybe that's
too something.
Okay. Does she, uh,
does she drink tea?
I have a darling silver spoon set
that needs just the right home.
And that home is my home.
What about an antique photo?
Ooh.
- Now where were you?
- Making a call.
- Well, who were you calling?
- Jesus Christ,
you're a nosy **** bitch.
What the hell are we all
doing in this dump, anyway?
I'm sorry, Maxi, we have
to go. Let's go.
You know, let me just get
those salad tongs.
Oh! And that little spoon set.
Ah, and I should at least
try on the cameo necklace.
Mmm.
What happened
back there, Marquess?
What was it about that photograph?
Who were those men?
I don't wanna talk about it.
I never want to think about,
or see that photo again.
Marquess, I got
a surprise for you!
Ta-da!
You seemed to respond to this photo, but
then gasped when you saw the price.
But you're a dear friend,
and we just got this $800, so, when
I said I was going back in the shop
to use the bathroom, what I was
really doing was buying this photo.
But, I also did take a shit
in Maxine's bathroom.
Marquess, who are
those people?
Well, the man on the
right is the poet Oscar Wilde,
and the other is... Is my son.
What? Did you just...
You say, your son?
Yes! My son, Alfred.
My wife called him Bosie.
I'm sorry,
did you say your wife?
Stop spitting on me, Pigeon!
Well, stop saying shocking
things while I'm drinking.
"In February of 1895, Marquess
of Queensbury..." That's you.
"Discovered the homosexual
affair between Oscar Wilde
"and his son,
Alfred 'Bosie' Douglas.
"After a drawn-out legal
battle, Queensbury prevailed
"and Oscar Wilde served
two years hard labor."
So, you had Oscar Wilde sent to jail
for being your son's boyfriend?
Damn, Marquess,
you're an asshole.
It-It was a different time.
People weren't as accepting
back then.
- What happened to your son?
- I don't know.
We never spoke after that.
It...
It haunted me
until the day I died.
Of syphilis.
It's true, it's on here.
"He expired after a lengthy battle with
dementia, likely caused by syphilis."
Bosie.
This better be ****
important, Marquess.
It is very **** important.
God damn, Marquess, don't swear
in front of my daughter.
All right, listen.
After a lot of thought,
I've decided to use
- my go-back.
- Oh. What's a go-back?
All ghosts are allowed
one go-back,
where they can go back in time
and right a wrong.
But, you only get one. So, I was saving
mine, you know, for something big,
like, um, you know, go back
in time and kill Hitler.
You know, before he
really got going.
You would not have the balls
to kill Hitler.
Hitler?
Yes. Yes, I would.
Ah, really?
How would you do it?
With a gun! Or...
Something.
You don't know how
to shoot a **** gun.
Well, then! Ah! I'll hit him.
With a shovel.
Where would you get a shovel
and be near Hitler?
Pigeon! It doesn't matter.
Because that's not gonna happen,
because I'm not gonna use
my go-back for it.
I'm gonna use my go-back and
make amends with my son, Bosie.
Why don't you go back a little
further and not name him Bosie?
Are you done?
Are you seriously, seriously done?
Now, here's the fun thing
about a go-back.
Although you only get one, you can take
as many people as you want with you.
Living, dead, it doesn't
matter. Now.
Oh, wait. Now that I think about it,
I think you can only take five.
I think five is the max. But, ah!
There's only three of you,
so we're good. So.
Here's what you do.
We all stand in a circle.
And then I say, "Go back,
go back, let's go back."
And then you say,
"Okay, okay, okay, okay."
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's his house.
You got this, Marquess.
Don't worry about us.
We'll be here, just blending in.
Tip, tip, cheerio.
Top o' the morning
to ya, governor.
Oh, Bosie.
What are you
doing here, Father?
Oh, yes. Well, I want to apologize
to you. For everything.
I'm sorry. And, I love you.
And, I'm sorry.
Oh, and I love that scarf.
Is that J. Crew?
- What?
- What? Nothing.
The important thing is,
I'm sorry.
Well. That means
the world to me.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, Father.
- Bosie, darling? Who's there?
- Hmm?
Ah! Oh. Oscar.
Uh, you're looking well.
You've lost some weight.
Doing hard labor in prison,
thanks to you.
Ah.
Oh, Deezy, I can't,
I'm in London right now.
Why don't you get your sister
to pick you up?
Then get a taxi! Damn, Deezy,
you can't wait until you land
to figure out your ride?
I did it!
He was very happy.
I even apologized to Oscar Wilde!
So, conscience clean.
Successful go-back.
Ah, forgive me, but we're visiting from
Germany and my husband is in there.
Will you watch my baby
while I go get him?
- Yeah, no problem.
- Ah, thank you.
What is your name?
- Mike Tyson.
- I am Klara Hitler,
and this is my baby, Adolf.
Oy, you lot! Mind this shovel while
I go in there and have a piss.
No, I don't... Uh...
Present day, present
day, what do you say, present day!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Whoo! Wasn't that fun?
Well, that was classic. Marquess
had a chance to kill Hitler
and didn't have the balls.
I had the balls. Kill baby Hitler
and save six million Jews?
No-brainer.
I bet that was
a shocking visual
for all those people
on that street, huh?
Oh, no! We never got that guy a
birthday present for his wife!
Oh, you know what? Let's just
get him a **** gift card.
Shalom aleichem.
- Shalom!
- Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom aleichem!