Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 17 - Mike Tysonland - full transcript
After wrapping up his subplot with Carol, Mike and the gang visit a piece of worthless desert land he plans to put in good use. A local clan of paranoid rednecks mistakes them for the Feds who came for their guns and decides to kill them.
*MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES*
Season 03 Episode 17
Episode Title: "Mike Tysonland"
Half?
Mike, this is
a standard arrangement.
There's no
prenuptial agreement,
there are no custody issues to
deal with. It's very cut and dry.
As your wife,
Carol's entitled to half
of your income
For the duration of
your marriage.
So, that comes to...
- Twenty-three million dollars.
- What?
We got married on Friday,
it's Monday!
Well, it's Tuesday,
and on Monday, you received
the balloon payment
from a settlement with
the greater New England
boxing
authority for $46 million.
Shit! Should've came
here on Monday.
Man! But we are trying
to make it work.
Well Carol,
I wish you the best.
I honestly do.
If I had to do it all over again,
I wouldn't change a thing.
Except I probably should've
came in here on Monday.
Am I really
getting $23 million?
Mike, hey, I actually have
something else for you to sign.
What does she want, Yung Hee?
I should have full custody
- of Yung Hee.
- No, Mike.
I guess she could have her
during the week,
and I guess every
other weekend and holidays.
She can have those too.
- Those are stressful.
- No, Mike.
Maybe it'd be good.
I could turn Yung's room
into uh, like studio.
Like art studio,
or a music studio,
or a studio apartment.
Rent it out maybe
for like $23 million.
Mike, this is about
something else.
We finally settled with Dunbar
about the property in New Mexico.
What property in Mexico?
New Mexico...
No, you're thinking
of New York, but go on.
The 2,600 acres of scrubland
outside of Las Cruces.
It was gonna be a hazardous
waste storage site.
We just finished construction on a
mile-and-a-half deep cement line pit
when the county sued and the
other investors backed out.
Look, I think the smartest thing we
could do is sell and be done with it.
Cut your losses, which I don't have
to tell you have been significant.
Are you crazy?
You're telling me I own 2,600
acres of scrubland all to myself?
Pinch me.
Mike, I strongly advise you
to sell this property.
Don't be strongly advising
me, mother****, I just met you.
Mike, I've been
your lawyer for 17 years.
Our families have taken
vacations together.
I'm, I'm Yung's godfather.
I only have Yung half the time now,
so you have to take that up with Carol.
I'm not selling that property!
Okay, everybody, guess what?
We're only 63 miles away.
Away from what?
Our shallow graves?
How many times do I have to tell
you, I'm not gonna kill you.
Then why are we blindfolded
and tied up?
You're blindfolded so you can't
see where we're going, okay?
Surprise factor.
And you're tied up so you won't
take off your blindfolds, okay?
Just be happy I took the duct
tape off your mouth, okay?
Because I will put that
back on so fast.
Okay, we're here. I'm gonna
take off your blindfold,
but keep your eyes shut, okay?
Okay, open.
Ah. Is my blindfold still on?
Because I can't see anything.
What is this?
Wow! This is not the reaction
I was expecting.
In my mind, it was going to be
a lot of high fiving,
a lot of hooting and hollering.
A lot of, "Thank you
for driving this 10 hours
"to see this 2,600 acres
of undeveloped scrubland."
Is that what
we're looking at? Scrubland?
And what even is scrubland?
Land you can't do
anything with.
You can't farm on it, you
can't build anything on it...
Scrubland!
And I own 2,600 acres of it.
Okay, great. Now, can we turn
around and go home?
No way, Jose. I gotta get a good look
at this land in the light of the day.
Figure out what
I'm gonna do with it.
I thought you just said you
just can't do anything with it.
Don't tell me what I can and can't
do mother****, I just met you.
What?
Oh! This is cute.
Kitschy... Oh, no, filthy.
Dad!
I'm sorry.
It's just when I hear a bell,
it's instinctive.
I go for the knockout
every time.
- What the hell y'all want?
- Ugh.
Oh, um, we just wanted a
couple of rooms for the night.
Y'alls with
the federal government?
Yes, yes. That is
President Jimmy Carter.
That's Vice Presidential
candidate, Geraldine Ferraro.
This is Secretary of Defense,
Caspar Weinberger.
And I am minority whip Trent Lott,
from the great state of Mississippi.
And yes, we would like a room.
Look, I'm not trying
to be threatening.
Okay, well, maybe we put down
the shotgun then.
My dad and all my uncles say
there're tons of
federal agents undercover 'round here.
They're preparing to impose martial
law and take away our rights!
They want to do
population control.
Make this like Canada
or some shit.
- All your uncles?
- What?
You said, "My dad
and all my uncles."
How many uncles do you have? Like
more than the normal amount?
Are you making fun
of me, bird?
No, no one's
making fun of you.
We're, we're just tired,
and we'd love a couple
of rooms, some down pillows,
and... I don't know if room
service is still going on,
but I would love, because we ate nothing
but fast food on the drive here,
a field-green salad, and
if you have wild salmon,
or chicken breast, you could just throw
that on there, dressing on the side.
You know what? No.
Don't even tempt me.
No dressing at all,
just a lemon wedge, hmm?
Maybe a slice of cheesecake.
Oh, please.
They only had one room left?
All the other rooms
are booked?
I mean, is this the tourist
season of the middle of nowhere?
Yeah, well, on the bright
side they have the HBO.
Oh no,
the power button is stuck.
And I don't want to know
what it's stuck with.
Now, the question of the night.
Who sleeps with whom?
I call Pigeon.
I want to
sleep with the pigeon.
What?
You take up such little room, it's
like sleeping with a stuffed animal.
Aww.
Good thinking, Toby. Getting
them all into one room.
Thanks, Uncle Jeff.
Easier to keep track of these
slippery sons' of bitches.
That's what I was thinking,
Uncle Steve.
That's exactly
what I was thinking.
They're definitely feds.
Only the government would
think to put together
a white, a black
and a Chinese.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Don't forget the bird, Uncle Steve.
You know why
they're here, don't you?
- To take our guns!
- No!
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's what they're here to do.
Hey, everybody!
- Uncle Davey!
- Don't worry about Davey.
We got bigger fish to fry!
Uncle Mike, Uncle Terry,
take a look at this.
Is it a man
and woman screwing?
- I enjoy watching that stuff.
- No, no!
It's, it's undercover
federal agents.
Well, then you know
who we need to call.
- Uncle Dick?
- Uncle Dick.
- Yeah.
- Dick is involved.
How may I help you?
Call Dick.
Sorry,
I'm not sure what you said.
Call Dick!
Sorry,
I'm not sure what you said.
Dick, dick!
Dick!
- Dick!
- Tell it Dick!
My, God! Get Dick on my horn.
God dang it, I need some
Dick in my ear!
My God, I owe you an apology.
This is beautiful.
And only 10 hours from where we live.
We can come here all the time.
Okay, we have seen it,
now can we go?
I know what I want to do
with this land.
What I need to do
with this land.
I grew up in the city on the
main streets. Gangs, violence...
But what if I could
pick that all the way,
and put it somewhere so it
can't hurt anybody, anymore.
God, dang it!
Why, can you hear anything?
I can't hear, jack ****.
Hey Dick!
Dick! What's going on
with your equipment?
What? The chord won't reach!
You guys got it all tangled!
- Well, jerk it, Dick.
- Give it a jerk, Dick.
Jerk that, Dick.
Well, I'm jerking it
but it's not coming!
Oh, for God's sake, tug on it.
Tug that, Dick,
and it'll come!
Listen to him, tug it!
Give it a release!
Spit on the thing! He's doing it!
He's doing it!
Grip it and tug it!
Okay guys, listen...
This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna take away everyone's
guns and bring them here,
and melt them down,
so that no one
has guns anymore.
I mean at least
no private citizen.
And of course the police
can keep their guns.
You heard the government man!
Let's get 'em!
Or I could use this land
to build a theme park
like Dollywood
or some shit.
Mike Tysonland.
Roller coasters,
Ferris wheels, cotton candy.
I don't know anything
about guns.
You know hunters are
sportsmen, that seems okay.
And you gotta
protect your family.
But then,
I can see the other side too.
That's why I really
shouldn't get involved.
What is that?
What are those?
Vehicles?
Is that the kid
from the motel?
I bet I left my
eye cream in the motel room,
and they're bringing it to me.
Oh, well,
that is good customer...
They're shooting at us!
Oh, somebody shot me!
- Oh no, Mike!
- Uncle Mike!
Now, I'm falling
out of the truck!
He's falling out of the truck!
Push him out!
His time has come!
Keep going!
Faster! Faster!
Oh, damn. I don't think
we could build a theme park.
One, I don't know anything
about building a theme park.
Two, I just remembered,
there's a mile-and-a-half
deep cement line pit...
somewhere around here.
What happened?
Oh, Marquess.
I'm sorry, but I don't think you're
getting back your eye cream.
Tell me
about Tyson town.
If I had Tyson Town...
It would be, um, it would be more
like a jumping park for kids.
You know, have all these
big giant jumpy things.
Castles, the eggs,
and they jump on everything.
And the kids could run around
and jump in the pond, and...
It'll just be awesome
for the kids, that's all.
Would it have
anything to do with boxing?
No way.
Synchronized by srjanapala
Season 03 Episode 17
Episode Title: "Mike Tysonland"
Half?
Mike, this is
a standard arrangement.
There's no
prenuptial agreement,
there are no custody issues to
deal with. It's very cut and dry.
As your wife,
Carol's entitled to half
of your income
For the duration of
your marriage.
So, that comes to...
- Twenty-three million dollars.
- What?
We got married on Friday,
it's Monday!
Well, it's Tuesday,
and on Monday, you received
the balloon payment
from a settlement with
the greater New England
boxing
authority for $46 million.
Shit! Should've came
here on Monday.
Man! But we are trying
to make it work.
Well Carol,
I wish you the best.
I honestly do.
If I had to do it all over again,
I wouldn't change a thing.
Except I probably should've
came in here on Monday.
Am I really
getting $23 million?
Mike, hey, I actually have
something else for you to sign.
What does she want, Yung Hee?
I should have full custody
- of Yung Hee.
- No, Mike.
I guess she could have her
during the week,
and I guess every
other weekend and holidays.
She can have those too.
- Those are stressful.
- No, Mike.
Maybe it'd be good.
I could turn Yung's room
into uh, like studio.
Like art studio,
or a music studio,
or a studio apartment.
Rent it out maybe
for like $23 million.
Mike, this is about
something else.
We finally settled with Dunbar
about the property in New Mexico.
What property in Mexico?
New Mexico...
No, you're thinking
of New York, but go on.
The 2,600 acres of scrubland
outside of Las Cruces.
It was gonna be a hazardous
waste storage site.
We just finished construction on a
mile-and-a-half deep cement line pit
when the county sued and the
other investors backed out.
Look, I think the smartest thing we
could do is sell and be done with it.
Cut your losses, which I don't have
to tell you have been significant.
Are you crazy?
You're telling me I own 2,600
acres of scrubland all to myself?
Pinch me.
Mike, I strongly advise you
to sell this property.
Don't be strongly advising
me, mother****, I just met you.
Mike, I've been
your lawyer for 17 years.
Our families have taken
vacations together.
I'm, I'm Yung's godfather.
I only have Yung half the time now,
so you have to take that up with Carol.
I'm not selling that property!
Okay, everybody, guess what?
We're only 63 miles away.
Away from what?
Our shallow graves?
How many times do I have to tell
you, I'm not gonna kill you.
Then why are we blindfolded
and tied up?
You're blindfolded so you can't
see where we're going, okay?
Surprise factor.
And you're tied up so you won't
take off your blindfolds, okay?
Just be happy I took the duct
tape off your mouth, okay?
Because I will put that
back on so fast.
Okay, we're here. I'm gonna
take off your blindfold,
but keep your eyes shut, okay?
Okay, open.
Ah. Is my blindfold still on?
Because I can't see anything.
What is this?
Wow! This is not the reaction
I was expecting.
In my mind, it was going to be
a lot of high fiving,
a lot of hooting and hollering.
A lot of, "Thank you
for driving this 10 hours
"to see this 2,600 acres
of undeveloped scrubland."
Is that what
we're looking at? Scrubland?
And what even is scrubland?
Land you can't do
anything with.
You can't farm on it, you
can't build anything on it...
Scrubland!
And I own 2,600 acres of it.
Okay, great. Now, can we turn
around and go home?
No way, Jose. I gotta get a good look
at this land in the light of the day.
Figure out what
I'm gonna do with it.
I thought you just said you
just can't do anything with it.
Don't tell me what I can and can't
do mother****, I just met you.
What?
Oh! This is cute.
Kitschy... Oh, no, filthy.
Dad!
I'm sorry.
It's just when I hear a bell,
it's instinctive.
I go for the knockout
every time.
- What the hell y'all want?
- Ugh.
Oh, um, we just wanted a
couple of rooms for the night.
Y'alls with
the federal government?
Yes, yes. That is
President Jimmy Carter.
That's Vice Presidential
candidate, Geraldine Ferraro.
This is Secretary of Defense,
Caspar Weinberger.
And I am minority whip Trent Lott,
from the great state of Mississippi.
And yes, we would like a room.
Look, I'm not trying
to be threatening.
Okay, well, maybe we put down
the shotgun then.
My dad and all my uncles say
there're tons of
federal agents undercover 'round here.
They're preparing to impose martial
law and take away our rights!
They want to do
population control.
Make this like Canada
or some shit.
- All your uncles?
- What?
You said, "My dad
and all my uncles."
How many uncles do you have? Like
more than the normal amount?
Are you making fun
of me, bird?
No, no one's
making fun of you.
We're, we're just tired,
and we'd love a couple
of rooms, some down pillows,
and... I don't know if room
service is still going on,
but I would love, because we ate nothing
but fast food on the drive here,
a field-green salad, and
if you have wild salmon,
or chicken breast, you could just throw
that on there, dressing on the side.
You know what? No.
Don't even tempt me.
No dressing at all,
just a lemon wedge, hmm?
Maybe a slice of cheesecake.
Oh, please.
They only had one room left?
All the other rooms
are booked?
I mean, is this the tourist
season of the middle of nowhere?
Yeah, well, on the bright
side they have the HBO.
Oh no,
the power button is stuck.
And I don't want to know
what it's stuck with.
Now, the question of the night.
Who sleeps with whom?
I call Pigeon.
I want to
sleep with the pigeon.
What?
You take up such little room, it's
like sleeping with a stuffed animal.
Aww.
Good thinking, Toby. Getting
them all into one room.
Thanks, Uncle Jeff.
Easier to keep track of these
slippery sons' of bitches.
That's what I was thinking,
Uncle Steve.
That's exactly
what I was thinking.
They're definitely feds.
Only the government would
think to put together
a white, a black
and a Chinese.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Don't forget the bird, Uncle Steve.
You know why
they're here, don't you?
- To take our guns!
- No!
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's what they're here to do.
Hey, everybody!
- Uncle Davey!
- Don't worry about Davey.
We got bigger fish to fry!
Uncle Mike, Uncle Terry,
take a look at this.
Is it a man
and woman screwing?
- I enjoy watching that stuff.
- No, no!
It's, it's undercover
federal agents.
Well, then you know
who we need to call.
- Uncle Dick?
- Uncle Dick.
- Yeah.
- Dick is involved.
How may I help you?
Call Dick.
Sorry,
I'm not sure what you said.
Call Dick!
Sorry,
I'm not sure what you said.
Dick, dick!
Dick!
- Dick!
- Tell it Dick!
My, God! Get Dick on my horn.
God dang it, I need some
Dick in my ear!
My God, I owe you an apology.
This is beautiful.
And only 10 hours from where we live.
We can come here all the time.
Okay, we have seen it,
now can we go?
I know what I want to do
with this land.
What I need to do
with this land.
I grew up in the city on the
main streets. Gangs, violence...
But what if I could
pick that all the way,
and put it somewhere so it
can't hurt anybody, anymore.
God, dang it!
Why, can you hear anything?
I can't hear, jack ****.
Hey Dick!
Dick! What's going on
with your equipment?
What? The chord won't reach!
You guys got it all tangled!
- Well, jerk it, Dick.
- Give it a jerk, Dick.
Jerk that, Dick.
Well, I'm jerking it
but it's not coming!
Oh, for God's sake, tug on it.
Tug that, Dick,
and it'll come!
Listen to him, tug it!
Give it a release!
Spit on the thing! He's doing it!
He's doing it!
Grip it and tug it!
Okay guys, listen...
This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna take away everyone's
guns and bring them here,
and melt them down,
so that no one
has guns anymore.
I mean at least
no private citizen.
And of course the police
can keep their guns.
You heard the government man!
Let's get 'em!
Or I could use this land
to build a theme park
like Dollywood
or some shit.
Mike Tysonland.
Roller coasters,
Ferris wheels, cotton candy.
I don't know anything
about guns.
You know hunters are
sportsmen, that seems okay.
And you gotta
protect your family.
But then,
I can see the other side too.
That's why I really
shouldn't get involved.
What is that?
What are those?
Vehicles?
Is that the kid
from the motel?
I bet I left my
eye cream in the motel room,
and they're bringing it to me.
Oh, well,
that is good customer...
They're shooting at us!
Oh, somebody shot me!
- Oh no, Mike!
- Uncle Mike!
Now, I'm falling
out of the truck!
He's falling out of the truck!
Push him out!
His time has come!
Keep going!
Faster! Faster!
Oh, damn. I don't think
we could build a theme park.
One, I don't know anything
about building a theme park.
Two, I just remembered,
there's a mile-and-a-half
deep cement line pit...
somewhere around here.
What happened?
Oh, Marquess.
I'm sorry, but I don't think you're
getting back your eye cream.
Tell me
about Tyson town.
If I had Tyson Town...
It would be, um, it would be more
like a jumping park for kids.
You know, have all these
big giant jumpy things.
Castles, the eggs,
and they jump on everything.
And the kids could run around
and jump in the pond, and...
It'll just be awesome
for the kids, that's all.
Would it have
anything to do with boxing?
No way.
Synchronized by srjanapala