Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 14 - My Favorite Mystery - full transcript

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*MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES*
Season 03 Episode 14

Episode Title: "My Favorite Mystery"

Gather round, team.
I got a surprise.

We're taking a vacation
to Hawaii.

Oh, my God! Really?

Just for fun, no mystery?

There's one mystery,
yes, there is.

Do you all wanna fly coach
or first class?

Are you kidding? First class!

Yeah, first class.



Oh, oh, I was hoping you guys
would choose coach, you know?

Since I already got us coach.

Since it's so much
cheaper, you know?

Well, what island
are we going to?

Oh, please. Please say Kauai.

You have not lived until you've
made love under Wailua Falls.

Nope.
We're going to Honolulu,

known for its nightlife
and its overcrowded beaches.

Well, it's still Hawaii and
I for one, am ready to get lei'd!

You're gonna start off with
one of those big Samoans, are you,

for your first time out?

I'm talking about a lei.
It's flowers.

Flowers. Yeah, well, you're gonna get
de-flowered by a giant-dicked Samoan.

Okay.



Did it lock?
Make sure it locks.

Good. I did bring some
jewelry for tonight.

It's nothing ostentatious.
A little chain, a matching bracelet.

I think they're ****
in there.

- Hotel security!
- What?

Need you to open this door,
right this second.

What?

Hey! Which one of you little
shits knocked on my door?

Was it you?

Oh, no, you don't.

I want to know
which one of you

thought it would be fun to
have sport with an old man.

Whoa!

Oh, the elevator! His towel must
have got caught in the gears!

Oh, my God, we're trapped!

Oh, I'm claustrophobic!
I'm freaking out!

Put that old man's giant hard ****
in your mouth. It'll calm you down.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, dear Lord.

Whoa, how the hell are you
still aroused, man?

Dad, press the call button.

Aloha, building maintenance.

This is Haulani.

- Oh, hey, How-Lee.
- No, it's Haulani.

That's cool.

Hey, we're stuck
in this elevator

with this old man
with his big boner.

So, can you get us
out of here, please?

Yeah, that elevator
gets stuck a lot.

Last time it took, like,
three hours to get it going.

But let me call the
company that fixes it.

Just remain calm
and just, like, stay calm.

Okay, Henry.

Well, everybody, this seems like
a good moment to reminisce.

Think back on some of our
"Best of" moments.

Like, remember when we
all flew to Hawaii

to go on a much,
much needed vacation?

Gather round, team.
I got a surprise.

We're taking
a vacation to Hawaii.

Michael, that happened
this morning,

so, if we're
gonna reminisce...

My favorite mystery was the
time we all went to Cairo. Uh?

Remember that?

You were driving
like a bat out of hell,

because you stole that
Egyptian man's hat.

It's just a hat, Marquess,
no one cares.

Oh, damn!

Are you okay?

Is everybody okay?

I'm sorry. We're so sorry.

Fattah el-Sisi,
President of Egypt.

Good to meet you.

We've been having
a lot of issues

with our new
pyramid-shaped drones.

Doing a lot of blowing up
of innocent people.

Please, allow me, and the state
of Egypt, to make it up to you.

And make it
up to us they did.

The food, the drink.

The being bathed by slender
young manservants.

The dusky, almost
hairless body, those hands...

Hands everywhere and...

Mouths.

Aloha. Great news, everyone.

The repair guy is on his way.

But he was over on Kauai,

so it's gonna be
a couple of hours.

So, just remain calm
and, you know, keep calm.

A couple of hours?

Why, are you getting hungry?

- Don't worry, we got Pigeon.
- What?

That's why I bring him
everywhere I go.

You know, in case something
like this happens,

you're stuck somewhere,
you got to eat...

Bam! Winner, winner,
chicken dinner!

Okay. Wanna hear what
mystery I'll never forget?

No.

Aloha. I'd like to hear.

Aw, thank you, Haulani.

His name Harlan.

It was when we were
on that submarine.

Oh, that one,
when I beat up that frog man?

No, the other one.

In Scotland.

We were asked
once and for all

to prove the existence
of the Loch Ness Monster.

I was manning
the sonar station.

I'm picking up something.

Pigeon, can you see anything?

I'm not talking to you.

Pigeon's still mad that
he's not inside the submarine.

Here, let me talk to him.

Listen, Pigeon,
it's Mike Tyson.

I know you're upset that we put
you in that little scuba gear

and shot you
out of the torpedo tube,

but just hear me out.

The reason why you're swimming out
there alone in that cold, deep water,

and not me and Marquess
and Yung, is because...

Shit, I can't remember
what the reason was.

Oh, well. Stay safe, buddy.

Ah, what a collection
of assholes.

Hello!

Are you the Loch Ness Monster?

I'm not a monster.

I'm scared of everybody,

and I just try to hide, and every
once in a while, they spot me.

But I'm so lonely.

All I want is to love
and to be loved.

Oh, my God, that's the saddest
thing I've ever heard.

Will you be my friend?

Of course, big fella.

He gave us the signal.
Torpedo!

Damn, Yung.
Way to bum us all out.

The whole point of a clip show
is to remember the good stuff.

The highlights, the sizzles.

Like, for example, remember
when we all stood on that cliff

and watched that nuclear bomb
destroy that small town in Arizona?

You know what I'm saying.
Fun stuff.

Oh, thank God.

What the?

Doesn't anyone want to know
what my favorite mystery was?

How could you have a favorite mystery?
We just met you.

Oh, no, little boy.

Mmm-mmm.

We've all met before.

Hey, eyes up here!

Hmm? Oh, oh.

Sorry, I just... I just can't
believe that's still going.

I was in the middle of robbing
the US Treasury.

Oh, we thought
we were in trouble,

until he stopped and turned,
as if posing for a photo.

Just posing.

We watched him there for a bit,
posing and primping and carrying on.

- Mm. Mm.
- It went on for 20 minutes.

We were able to fully
unload that bank vault.

I've never seen
such a vain man.

Hmm, mmm-hmm.

Hmm... Oh!

I used half of the money to buy
an island in the South Pacific.

Inspired by the
Jurassic Park films,

I paid some graduate students

from the Texas A&M School
of Veterinary Medicine

to make me
a bunch of dinosaurs.

And make them they did.

But one of them got cold feet and
sent you a pigeon with a note.

No one's gonna disrupt the
balance of nature on my watch.

The poor dinosaurs.

They'd been brought back to life just
to be mowed down like the buffalo.

And when you ran out of
bullets, you used your fists.

My plans for a dinosaur
theme park lay in ruins.

But thankfully, I had used
the rest of the stolen money

to build an enormous cement, four-armed
samurai warrior in New Mexico.

What on earth for?

I don't know.

That's unclear, but I had
visited Japan as a boy,

so maybe that had
something to do with it.

And land is so cheap
in New Mexico,

especially down there
near Las Cruces.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

This might have been
a waste of $50 million.

What is that?

Er, Mr. Tyson, you were just
supposed to sit in the jet for a photo op.

You were definitely not
supposed to take off. Over.

Just a quick joyride. Over.

I think I'm starting to
get the hang of it. Over.

Is that...

It is a Christmas
miracle that I survived.

Homeless and now penniless.

I did the only thing
that made sense.

I joined a passing
Kabuki theater troupe

on their way to perform
in Las Vegas.

Oh, man, I hate Kabuki.

I know.

But now I am going
to have my revenge.

Prepare to die, Mike Tyson!

Oh, my God, did you have
that pistol in your butthole?

- Oh, oh, oh!
- Whoa!

Aloha! It's me, Haulani.

I don't think the repairman
was ever gonna come, really.

Climb on my back and let me show
you my favorite place in Hawaii.

The Mauna Kea summit.

This is the only place in
Hawaii where you can see snow.

Sync corrections by srjanapala