Midsomer Murders (1997–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - A Tale of Two Hamlets - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.

Welcome to the opening ceremony
of the Ellis Bell Satanic Experience.

120 years ago to this very day,

a young man named Ellis Bell
walked out of that house

along that footpath
and into that summerhouse.

He wrote a book

that would put our much-loved village
of Upper Warden on the map.

The book was called
The House Of Satan,

now, as we all know, a major movie.

The part of Ellis Bell will be played
by the star of the movie

and another of Upper Warden's
most famous sons, Larry Smith.



Larry, Larry.

It's five grand in cash for walking
down a path and into a summerhouse.

I ain't wearing no bleeding rug.

I've put a little surprise
in there for you.

What?

A tiny soupcon of your favourite
Peruvian marching powder.

(COCKNEY ACCENT)
So march your bleedin' plates

down that bleedin' path,
know what I mean, son?

(CROWD CLAPS AND CHEERS)

Troy, stop.

We go down the hill, Troy.

I thought we were
going to Upper Warden. We are.

Upper Warden is down the hill.
Lower Warden is up the hill.

That doesn't make any sense.



Troy, this is Midsomer.

Sorry. I forgot.

A bomb?
Semtex. Something of the sort.

You can buy it at car boot sales
if you know where to look.

Triggered by what? I'd say
some sort of remote-control device.

Where's our body?
In a bag.

It was a big explosion
so he was somewhat dispersed.

Troy says I should recognise
the name.

Larry Smith.

Nah. Larry Smiff?

Why are you putting on
that absurd voice?

That's the way he used to talk.

He made his name in a TV series

about loveable East End gangsters
called Diamond Geezers.

He was famous?
Never out of the tabloids.

Usual stuff. Birds and booze.
You know?

What's a famous diamond geezer doing
in a stately home like this?

Apparently he was the vicar's son.

Here comes the bogeyman.

MOBILE RINGS

Mike, what's the story?

Oh.

What do we tell him?

We maintain the family tradition.
We tell him the truth?

That isn't at all what I said.

Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby.

Ah. Rupert Smythe-Webster.

Please accept my deepest sympathy.

Noted and appreciated, Inspector.

Let me get you a seat.
Thank you.

So, let me tell you who everybody
is.

My younger brother Simon.
His wife Laura.

And over there is
my youngest brother,

who will join us when it suits him.

Me, darling.

Forgive me, Inspector.
This is my third wife, Wendy.

Fourth.
Fourth.

Larry Smith was your son?

Yes, he was my son. We brought
him up as Lawrence Smythe-Webster.

Larry Smith is a creature
he invented after he left us.

That is not entirely fair.

This is my youngest brother Francis,
Inspector, who answers to Frank.

We were telling Inspector Barnaby
all about our nephew.

He had lovely eyelashes.

Do you all live in Upper Warden?

You're looking at a thousand-
year-old family tradition, Barnaby.

The first-born son stays at home.

We live in the east wing.

The next son goes into the Church
and becomes the vicar
of Upper Warden.

The youngest goes off
to the Crusades.

But I decided to join
the godless infidels,

and became a movie producer.

You produced The House Of Satan?

The highest-grossing UK-financed
movie of the past decade.

Gross is an appropriate word.

I'll need a large room where I can
set up a temporary headquarters.

Absolutely no problem.

Simon will lend you
the church schoolroom.

(LAUGHS)

We need the schoolroom

for the Sunday school anniversary
concert rehearsals.

It's God's will, Simon.
No it isn't - it's your will.

In Upper Warden
it's all the same thing.

Hi, Danny.
Hi, Phil. Coffee?

You bet.

What you doing here?
The guttering on the summerhouse?

I made a start.

And then I had to check
Her Ladyship's jacuzzi.

You're not the first.

(LAUGHS)

Here's to poor Larry.

Yeah. Poor Larry.

Ta.

Got any more coffee?

Go on.

See you down the club later.

Yeah. Later.

Apparently it's all a pack of lies.

Who says?

The man I was standing next to
in the line of peasants.

A local chap,
dressed as the village blacksmith.

Ta.

He said Ellis Bell never went near
the summerhouse.

He wrote the book
in the neighbouring village

of Lower Warden.

My chap claimed the film was
a travesty and it was all

Oliver Cromwell's fault.

Would you know this fellow again?
I doubt it.
He was covered in whiskers.

He was local? He wasn't
one of the Causton am dram lot?

Definitely local.

We were only there
to make up the numbers.

Day in the fresh air.
Buffet lunch.

Rather a good lunch,
as a matter of fact.

Danny the chef's speciality -
meatballs.

Sweet boy.

Apparently,
he'd just lost his mother.

But he still insisted on turning up.

All on your own, sir?
Yes, Danny.

The family's deserted me.

We're all very sorry about
what happened this afternoon, sir.

Thank you, Danny. Very kind.

I do appreciate the fact
that you turned up at all today.

'Cause of my mum.

So soon after the funeral?

She brought Larry into the world,
you know.

The same for me, I suppose.

I wonder if you realise
the full tragic irony

of today's whole sorry business.

Getting blown up has got to be
a bit tragic.

The irony is that
from the point of view of the film

and of this place

Larry's death could be
terribly good for business.

Morning.
Morning.

Morning.

I'd like to talk
to Mr Frank Smythe-Webster.

He calls himself Frank Webster.

I want to talk to him
under either of his names.

He's working out
in the Ellis Bell multi-gym.

Don't blame me -
it's a marketing concept.

Thank you, Helen.

Mike, don't panic.

My friend, there is no problem.

Wasn't it Gertrude Stein who said

a geezer is a geezer is a geezer?

Yes, well... I'll call you back.
Two minutes.

Inspector Barnaby.
How can I help you?

My first choice -

who stood to gain
by killing your nephew?

Certainly not me.

You realise we start shooting
House Of Satan 2 next month?

No, I didn't realise that.

You're having to find another actor,
are you?

Yes. And once agents realise
the fine mess we're in,

the price goes through the roof.

I find that deeply offensive.

Is that all it's about, then?
Money?

The bottom line.
Everything's about money.

What did you expect?

I expected a little more grief
from the bereaved

with the possible exception
of his mother.

You could put it down
to the stiff upper lip
of the English ruling class.

But more likely it's the fact
that nobody liked him.

Mr Webster...

Call me Frank.

Frank.

I've been bullied by the media
into holding a press conference.

Would you mind taking part, please?

My pleasure.
All publicity is good publicity.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, I'll come back to you.

Larry Smith was not only my nephew,

but a sweet guy
and a very dear friend -

destined to become
a major international star

in our next project together -
House Of Satan 2.

We have no idea who has perpetrated
this ghastly crime.

But we will give the police
every assistance

in bringing the killer to justice.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr Webster.

I'll take questions now, please.

Yes?

Murdoch. Causton Echo.

Yes?

Knowing of Larry Smith's history
of substance abuse,

could his murder be drugs-related?

At present nothing is ruled out.

Jack Wilson.
Upper Warden Church Newsletter.

I also keep the bookshop
in the high street.

With respect, our friend
should go back home

to his own kind in Causton.

This is purely and simply
a local initiative.

Thank you, Mr Wilson.
What's your question?

No question.
MOBILE RINGS

I'm simply putting
the record straight.

We're talking about Upper Warden
and Lower Warden.

Mr... We've been murdering
each other here

since the time of Cromwell.

We're not going to change now.

March 14th 1643.
That's when it all began.

Mr Wilson,
would you excuse me, please?

My sergeant needs to speak to me.

What's the crisis?
Fight broke out.

Really? Who's been fighting?

Over there.

What happened?

I come here
with my flowers for Larry,

and there she was
with her flowers for Larry.

He would have been glad
to have flowers from you both.

When did you meet him?

Last year. When he was here filming
The House Of Satan.

Which is when our relationship
started.

She called it a relationship.
So I called her a lying cow

and she hit me with her flowers.

How can you draw blood with flowers?

It was an arrangement. In a pot.

I always think a nice arrangement is
more appropriate on these occasions.

I think it would be more appropriate

if you were both to go home
and grow up.

In either order.

Go.

Seems to have put it about a bit
when he was here last year.

Jane, Caroline, Michelle, Fiona.

There's one here from Darren.

Darren? Any idea who Darren might be?

Apparently
he's the local video nerd.

He was covering the event.

And a bit of an obsessive,
so worth checking out.

He sometimes helps
at the local bookshop.

BELL CLATTERS

Hello?

MACHINERY CHURNS

I'm looking for Mr Wilson.

He's not here.

You must be Darren.
That's very good.

Lucky guess.

Mr Wilson's out delivering these.

These?
Well, he's not delivering these.

He's delivering the ones
we've already done,
if you see what I mean.

I see what you mean. May I?

Oh, yes. It's free.

Mr Wilson's brought out a special
edition because of the murder.

He's written an editorial
about how the police haven't a clue.

Ah.

I see.

Shall I make us a cup of tea?

Yeah. Then you can tell me what the
clue is that the police don't have.

SPOOKY NOISES

There you are, Barnaby.

That's your basic
satanic experience.

A darkened room
with some strange noises?

It's an homage.
A key scene in the movie.

Our hero is locked
in a darkened room by the bad guys,

and driven mad
by a series of unexplained noises.

SOUND EFFECTS STUCK IN A LOOP

Then of course he recovers
his sanity

in order to kill off the bad guys.

An homage?

According to our market research
movie buffs love an homage.

Show them a plastic shark
or the shower curtain from Psycho

and they wet themselves with glee
and reach for their wallets.

Where exactly are we?

Immediately below the gymnasium?
Well spotted.

What about this state of war
with Lower Warden?

Mr Wilson knows about that.

And Oliver Cromwell?

Mr Wilson knows about that too.

Do you know about anything, Darren?

I know a lot about classic movies,
The Prisoner, and Doctor Who.

You left some flowers
at the murder scene?

Yes.

Did you have a relationship
with Larry Smith?

No. I don't have relationships,
as a rule.

But I've got all 26 episodes
of Diamond Geezers on video,

and The House Of Satan
on video and DVD.

RECORDER CLICKS ON

Tell me how you met Larry Smith.

It was last year,
when they were making the film.

I was chambermaiding at the house he
was staying at with the film unit.

And you fell in love?

That'd be pushing it a bit.

But you had a relationship?

Oh, yeah. Definitely a relationship.

How long did it last?

Couple of hours, maybe.

RECORDER CLICKS OFF

Emily, my love,
the memory can do funny things.

Now is there any way
I can persuade you

that it might have lasted
a little longer than that?

Now...

RECORDER CLICKS ON

Tell me about your night of passion
with Larry Smith.

It was a Thursday afternoon...

RECORDER CLICKS OFF
Emily!

What did I just say?

RECORDER CLICKS ON

I shall never forget the first time
he looked into my eyes.

Would you like to be famous, Darren?

I'd love to. But I can't see it
happening. Can you?

Let's hope not.

If you'd murdered Larry Smith,
you'd be famous.

But only for 15 minutes.
Is it worth it?

I believe you made a video
of yesterday's events?

I make videos of everything
that happens in the village.
Would you like it as evidence?

Please. Remind me to bring it
from home next time I see you.

I'm reminding you now, Darren.

And you can sell me a copy of
The House Of Satan before I leave.

Right.

Which one do you want?

Is there more than one?

There's two.
There's the book of the film.

And there's Ellis Bell's
original version.

Are they different?
Yes.

The book of the film's got
the haunted dungeon in it.

Oh. I better have one of each, then.

I'm sorry.
We only stock the book of the film.

You'll have to go to Lower Warden
for the other one.

Could Darren organise an explosion?

I bet you can learn how to do it
from the net
if you know where to surf.

I'm seeing him again this evening.
I'll ask him about it then.

Why? Why are you seeing him again?

Oh, he's promised to do
some research

on jealous husbands
and jealous boyfriends.

And he's bringing his video in
from home. Excellent.

In the words of Alfred Hitchcock,
actors are cattle.

Yeah, yeah, that's a bit rough on
cattle, I know.

So give the guy an evasive answer.
Tell him to go screw himself.

MOBILE CLICKS OFF

Film producers do that for fun,
do they?

No. Because it's good for them.

I hate things that are good for me.

So, what have we got?

I'd rather do this my way.
Father's way.

The short, sharp shock.

Look. We talked about it,
we agreed, remember?

Hey, you remember how we used to
settle arguments when we were kids?

What? You can't settle a thing
like this with a toss of a coin.

Want a bet?

Heads.

My way.

This suit's going to be ruined.

Well, it's your fault.
You won the toss, remember?

Ah. Well, we've done as we were told.

We've left the package
on the tree stump,

and stayed well out of the way.

We'll see how good they are.

(AMERICAN ACCENT)
I keep telling you, bro.

It's amateur night in Dixie.

MOTORBIKE

Now what happens?

We watch this space.

Morning, Helen.

Morning, Mr Webster.
You're up early.

Quick workout. Healthy breakfast.

Then back to the big city
to find a cheap and willing actor
who wants to be a star.

He'll have to be brave as well,
won't he?

Stupid will do.

Did you know this, Troy?

If a leading actor drops dead just as
he's about to make a film,

apparently there's always
an insurance deal,

sometimes amounting to
millions of pounds.

A lot of people are making money
from the situation.

"My 24 hours of passion
by broken-hearted Emily Gaskell."

Somebody's feeding the tabloids.

Bet it's that journalist
from the Causton Echo.

Was that there last night
when you left?

No. Definitely not.

Lev?

Wasn't he a Russian goalie?
Lev Yashin?

It's a biblical reference. Leviticus.

From the Bible.

Every schoolboy's
favourite dirty book.

I'm going to talk
to the Reverend Simon.

Mr Barnaby. Good morning.
Morning, sir.

I'm very sorry to disturb you,

but I was hoping for some help
with a biblical reference.

Leviticus, chapter 18, verse 16?

Oh, you've seen it, have you?
I assume you didn't do it?

I have many frailties,
but I'm not vulgar.

The chapter deals with various
prohibitions in carnal matters.

The people and, in the later verses
indeed, the animals

that one is not permitted to have
sexual relations with,

according to God's law.

Here we are. Verse 16.

"Thou shalt not uncover the
nakedness of thy brother's wife."

I think the meaning is clear.

Please.

Why would someone write that
on the schoolroom wall,

knowing the police would see it?

I imagine they're
pointing the finger at our family.

Anyone in particular?

I'll answer your questions
truthfully and honestly, Mr Barnaby.

But I don't deal
in gossip and innuendo.

Oh, I'm sure you don't.

Can we consider please
your eldest brother's wife,

Mrs Wendy Smythe-Webster?

Is it possible
that your brother Frank

or even your late son, for example,

might have uncovered her nakedness?

And that brother Rupert
took exception to it?

Wendy may not be the brightest star
in God's firmament,

but she's fundamentally harmless.

A flirt, and, in the vernacular,
a bimbo -

but not, I believe, an adulteress.

Men over a certain age
shouldn't take exercise.

Promise me you'll never go searching
for your lost youth, Tom.

It's lost because
it's meant to be lost.

You're sure it's heart failure?

Well, not till I've done
a full examination, but...

Why would a man who's never had
a proper job in his life

have a workman's hands?

Or could that be a scorch mark?

Let's have a look.

These things usually
are connected to the mains?

Yes. They're stuffed full
of computerised instrumentation

so you can measure your progress.

Right, well check that bike.
See if the circuits are blown.

He was making an early start
back to London, he said.

Did anyone else go into the gym?

No. He's the only one
who's ever used it so far.

Very healthy, he was.

But you found the body?

Yeah.

See, I assumed he'd have his workout

and then go back to his room
for breakfast.

That's what he usually did.

Then I started getting
phone calls for him,

and there was no answer
from his room,

so I thought I'd better check.

And there he was.

I've never seen anyone dead before.

You should go home.

Somebody's coming in to relieve me.
Good.

Is this Ellis Bell?

Ellis Bell. The proper one.

What a mess, eh?

It's all your fault.

Yes, that would do it.

So all anyone would need
to put a mains charge
through the exercise bike

would be a set of jump leads?

And rubber gloves.

That means no fingerprints.

It's obviously worth checking,

but I wouldn't build your hopes
too highly.

Thank you.

And then there were four.

I don't think that's very amusing.

Did I say I was amused?

Well, I think it's awful.

Ah. Inspector Barnaby.

Why don't you sit
in your usual chair?

Thank you very much.

Please accept my deepest sympathy.

Noted. Appreciated, as ever.

Well, I have to ask
the obvious question -

did your brother Frank
have any enemies?

Apparently.
Otherwise he'd still be alive.

He was nice.
Everybody liked him.

Is that the general view
around the table?

He had great charm.

Indeed, he had.

Who's in charge of security?

Oh, there isn't any.

We lock the door

but the residents have keys, the
staff have keys, we all have keys.

I imagine all the weasels
in the wild wood
have their own keys.

They probably keep duplicates
in their little potting sheds.

Weasels in the wild wood?

As in Wind In The Willows?

Ah, it's my brother's way

of referring to the people
of Lower Warden.

Who'd like nothing more than
to overrun this place,

the way the weasels do in the book.

I don't think the weasels
murdered the inhabitants.

Quite correct.

As I recall it,
Mr Toad marshals his forces

and they all mount
a very successful counterattack.

To be precise, they whack 'em
and whack 'em and whack 'em.

Look.

Two members of your family
have now been murdered

in as many days.

And when I talk to you,
or to anyone from Upper Warden,

about possible motives,

you all point me
in the direction of Lower Warden.

Oh, of course.
It's in the natural order of things.

I'm sure you'll forgive me,
Mrs Wendy Smythe-Webster,

but it's a time for plain speaking.

I've heard it suggested that you had
a sexual relationship

with your late nephew.

Which on the face of it,

would provide your husband
with a motive to murder him.

And the graffiti that appeared
on the schoolroom wall last night

would suggest that one or other
of you three brothers

had an extramarital relationship

with one or the other
of your two wives.

Which, if it were Frank,

would give the aggrieved brother

a motive for his murder.

We're a family with secrets,
Inspector,

like any other family.

But if those secrets drove any of us
to murder, we would do it

the gentleman's way -
with a bullet to the brain.

And face to face.

And remember,
the main purpose of this family -

perhaps our only purpose -

is survival.

It says "The Shining" 'cause
that's what I'd like it to be.

It's my only copy, so...

We'll take good care of it, Darren.

Now -

you were going to go through
this list of people

who left flowers for Larry Smith.

Was I?
You were, Darren.

And I even bought you a pint
to assist your memory.

Well, all right, then. Cheers.

This must be Emily Gaskell.
She's from Lower Warden.

Yes, we've met Emily.

But what's a girl from Lower Warden

doing leaving flowers
for a Smythe-Webster?

Emily is engaged to Phil Harrison.

He's from Lower Warden.
He fixes windmills.

He even lives in one.
Windmills?

He fixes anything, really,
but mills is what he prefers -

windmills, watermills,
Satanic mills maybe.

That's a joke.

Next?

Here's a straight one - Wendy.

Ah, the lady of the house.

And... is she a lady?

From what people say, not entirely.

But that's people, not me.
I try not to have opinions.

Darren. Oh, that's me, isn't it?

You know about me.

Not quite.

Are you an Upper Warden man,
or a Lower Warden man?

Well, I work mostly in Upper Warden,

but I live mostly with my gran
on the edge of Lower Warden.

But you're in the Upper Warden TA?

Well, thank you, Darren.

Isn't there one more thing?

Columbo always has one more thing,
doesn't he?

If you insist...

One more thing -

in the TA, do you handle explosives?

Phil Harrison?

Who wants to know?

Sergeant Troy. Causton CID.

Yeah, I'm Phil Harrison.
What's your problem?

I thought it might be your problem.

"Larry my lost love.
By broken-hearted Emily Gaskell."

Isn't she your girlfriend?

So?

Are you saying nothing happened
between her and Larry?

Nothing that bothered me.

If I'd been bothered,

I'd have taken little Larry
down some pretty country lane

and punched his lights out.

The squaddy's way.

The squaddy's way?
Were you in the army?

Yeah. After I left school.

Do you have experience
of explosives?

Obviously. It's the job.

You can't do proper peacekeeping
without guns and bombs and stuff.

Where were you when the bomb
went off, as a matter of interest?

I was here,
preserving the nation's heritage.

Heard the bang.

Do you do any work at the big house?

Yeah, I got a roofing job on
at the moment, as it happens.

We can't pick and choose.
We go where the jobs are.

Can I get on with the work now,
please?

And I'll get on with mine.

How long you worked here, Darren?

I don't work here. I just help out.

Same as I do
at Mr Wilson's bookshop.

I'm basically a freelance.

Freelance what?

Don't laugh.
I've no intention of laughing.

I want to be a film director.

Set that aside for the moment.

The other night you were working, you
were helping out as a night porter?

Yes.

Did you see anyone come and go?

Not really.

I came on at midnight,
and everybody was in by then.

So, basically I went to sleep
in the little office there.

There's a bell you can ring
if anybody has an emergency.

But nobody rang any bells
last night?

Only Danny. Danny the chef.

He came in at six to start doing
the breakfast and he rang the bell.

But that was more of a joke.

He's a great joker, our Danny.

Danny here now?

He's in the kitchen.

You talk to him, Troy.

I'm going to meet
the weasels in the wild wood.

Weasels?
I think it's time we heard

the Lower Warden side of the story.

CAT MIAOWS

What's this?

Are we going to read
about more nights of passion?

You must be Danny?

That's me.

Sergeant Troy. Causton CID.

Do you know Chief Inspector Barnaby?

Yeah - he's my boss.

I've got something for him.

You finished here?

Have you a statement for the press?

Yeah. Push off.

That's for Mrs Barnaby.
I'm sorry?

She was here for the opening
ceremony dressed as a milkmaid?

I believe so.

She admired my meatballs and
I promised to give her the recipe.

Well, thank you, Danny.

I'll pass it on.

The police are not
my favourite people.

But if the Smythe-Websters are
shovelling dirt all over us,

I'll do what I can
to put the record straight.

I hear tell that Ellis Bell
was a Lower Warden man

and that you people
from Lower Warden

are very aggrieved at the way
the Smythe-Websters

have appropriated him.
MOTORBIKE

Ellis Bell.

Born out of wedlock here.

In Lower Warden in 1867.

Died in poverty. In Causton,

in 1930.

The year of the great slump.

Out of wedlock?

His mother worked
at the big house in Upper Warden.

She was seduced
by the son of the house.

The Smythe-Websters
denied paternity.

But later they helped young
Ellis Bell to get work as a teacher.

So I think that's a guilty plea,
don't you?

Anyway, it's all in the book.
£9.99.

Oh, please. Thank you.

It looks very different
from the book of the film.

That's because the original
is an old-fashioned socialist novel.

He calls it The House Of Satan
because he saw the Smythe-Websters

as totally corrupt
from top to bottom.

They took our book and turned it
into a cut-price horror movie.

So you're not one of the world's
greatest admirers

of the Smythe-Websters, then?

Everything we have of value,
they steal.

We deal in truth.
And they deal in power.

Whose idea was it to make the movie?

Ask Jack Wilson.
The bard of Upper Warden.

Oh, the editor
of the Church newsletter?

And a failed writer.

The most dangerous animal
in the jungle, a failed writer.

If you hate these people so much...

Would I consider murdering them?

No. I'm a card-carrying peacenik.

Check with MI5.
Ask them about Sarah Proudie.

They'll tell you.
Let me give you a bag for that.

Is the spray can mightier
than the sword?

Well, it doesn't kill people.

And you're familiar
with the Book of Leviticus?

I didn't reject the Bible
without reading it first.

What sort of woman
do you think I am?

GRINDER WHIRRS

Have you always been a chef?

It's the only job I've ever done.

And you came here
straight from school?

Ah... Not exactly.

We're very good at guilty secrets,
Danny.

It's not a secret.
It was in the local papers.

I learned to cook
when I was in borstal.

Ah, the cricket pavilion.

You heard about that, did you?
I didn't do it, of course.

I suppose they all say that.

Yeah. They do all say that.

But when I came out,
Mr Rupert gave me a job here.

Hey, rehabilitation works -
I am the living proof.

He even sent me
on a management course last year.

I could end up running
the whole caboodle for the family.

Chief executive. That'd be a laugh.

And there's no reason
why you should want to murder

Larry Smith or Frank Webster?

Smythe-Websters might be
a bunch of chinless tossers,

but they've been very good to me.

Sit yourself down.

Lovely things, don't you reckon?

Are they yours?

Yeah. Sort of extended loan
from Mr Rupert.

Must be worth a bit?

Around 50 grand each, I believe.

And what did you do to deserve this?

He never had kids of his own.

So I'm a sort of mate, see?
Make him laugh.

Go on, ask around.
Everybody likes Danny.

Lunch?
Oh, thank you.

Any joy at the manor?

Both Danny and Darren were in the
right places at the right times

for both murders.

Motives? Darren's an obsessive nerd
with a grudge against Frank Webster

for not giving him
a job on the movie,

but I can't see him
as a cold-blooded killer.

What about the video he gave you?

It was The Shining.

He apologised.
He got his labels mixed up.

He's bringing the right one in
later. And Danny the chef?

Oh, he asked me to give this recipe
to Mrs Barnaby.

They were getting on
like a house on fire, apparently.

Till the bomb went off.
Where were they? Thank you.

God, these are bloody disgusting.

Best I could get, sir. From the pub.

Tell me about Danny.

Well, he seems very popular.

I mean, everybody likes him.
He said so himself.

And he's well in with the family.
Especially Rupert.

Is he now?

And when two of the natural heirs
to the estate are murdered,

it doesn't occur to you that he might
be getting a little impatient?

Or possibly carrying out the wishes
of his master.

How'd you get on with the weasels?

I know now who put
your Russian goalie on our door.

Oh, yeah? Who's that?

Sarah Proudie,
curator of the Ellis Bell Museum.

Either because she knows something
about the Smythe-Webster family
we do not,

or because she wants to divert
our attention away from Lower Warden.

She also told me that the person
most resentful about the film

was the bookshop owner, Jack Wilson.

BELL CLATTERS

Hello?

Afternoon, Mr Wilson.

Forgive the mess.
I wasn't expecting company.

This is just a routine
confirm-or-deny question.

Is it true that it was your idea

to make a film
based on Ellis Bell's book?

It's no secret.

Tell us what happened.

I bought a copy of the book

when Sarah Proudie
brought out that reprint.

I took it to Mr Smythe-Webster,

suggesting that it might make
a successful film,

and why didn't he show it
to his brother Frank?

I met Mr Webster.
He liked the title.

And?

He encouraged me to write this.

"The House Of Satan.
Screenplay by Jack Wilson."

A year later, the film unit arrived.

They used a screenplay written by
some chap he'd been at school with.

And, as you probably know,
they turned it into a horror film.

Did they pay you anything?

Not a penny.

I could have had two days' work
as an extra,

playing the part of a corpse.
But I declined.

Is that part of
your duplicating machine, Mr Wilson?

No.

You find me working in my capacity

as Honorary Armourer of the
Upper Warden Territorial Army.

Do you keep live ammunition here,
Mr Wilson?

I'm permitted to dispense
blank ammunition

for the purposes of field exercises.

But live rounds -
for use on the firing range -

may only be released
on the authority of the Major.

Major Rupert Smythe-Webster.
Yes, sir.

Those are thunderflashes.

Just glorified fireworks.

Do you have an inventory?

You've been very keen, Mr Wilson,

to blame the people from Lower Warden

for these killings,

even though you yourself have
even greater reason to feel betrayed.

You refused to work on the film,
you say.

Yet you were there
on the day of Larry's death.

Dressed as a village blacksmith.

Life's too short to bear grudges.

There's one of these missing, sir.

There'd be more than enough
explosive in a box

to blow up the summerhouse.

I had nothing to do with that.

How do you account
for the missing box?

I didn't know it was gone.

Who else has a key?

Only the Major, sir.

Mrs Smythe-Webster?

Good afternoon.

What's this?
Window shopping as therapy, is it?

No. I just thought
it might take my mind off things.

Does it?

Not really.
MOBILE RINGS

Troy.

Now that we're well away
from the big house,

I have to ask you a rude question.

Another one?

Did you have an affair
with your husband's brother?

Which one? Simon or Frank?

Well... either.

No, neither.

Simon's a vicar.

And Frank had sweaty feet.

I like that, don't you?

Would you call that beige?

Sir.

You need another word
with your sergeant, Mr Barnaby.

So I do. Excuse me.

I got the list of telephone numbers
that the late Frank Webster

called from his mobile.

Good.
Mostly to his office in London

and also a film company
in Los Angeles.

But also to Sarah Proudie
and Phil Harrison in Lower Warden.

Phil Harrison who lives
in the windmill? That's right.

I trust you are leaping into action.

I'm meeting Phil for a drink
this evening. In The Chapel.

That's excellent.
You keep him occupied in the pub

whist I check up on the windmill.

Too little too late.

And besides... you're dealing
with the wrong person.

Sorry. Am I interrupting?

I'm looking for The Chapel.

Smart money says
it's the building across the street

that looks very much like a chapel.

Though it hasn't been a chapel
for 50 years or more.

We've never had much time
for God in Lower Warden.

He doesn't seem to be on our side.

Thank you.

It was a nice try, Rupert.

But you're much too late.

A thousand years too late?

Oh, you see, you do understand.

Fancy a game?

I was supposed to be playing a mate,
but he isn't here yet.

I'm here on business.

You can have a game of pool

and do your cross-examination
at the same time.

Loser buys the drinks. How's that?

Bastard!

Frank Webster made a series
of phone calls to you this week.

What were they about?

The windmill.

The windmill?

Yeah, he wanted a windmill
for The House Of Satan 2.

So the villain could die
a horrible death.

Still... I don't suppose
he'll be wanting that now,

the way things have turned out.

Stranger in town breaks.
OK.

Whoa!

We have a hustler in our midst.

Minnesota Troy.

Are you his mate?

Yeah, sure, why not?

We go back a long way.

You've got your feet
well under the table at the manor.

Chief-executive-in-waiting.
Are you still welcome
in Lower Warden?

All that stuff's
what the old farts tell you.

No, we haven't burned down
a castle for what? 500 years?

Not a castle, maybe.
But what about a cricket pavilion?

Same again?
Why, thank you, Sergeant.

That's very decent of you.

Having a bad night?

Pool's not really my game.
We noticed.

That's the secret. We all
have to find our natural game.

Like nights of passion.

What's your natural game?
Winning the class war?

That's a bit 1960s.

But I suppose
that was before your time.

TYRE HISSES

Mr Barnaby!

What do you want?

I can't talk about it out here
on account that it's private.

And it might lead
to an early arrest.

Oh, then make it quick.
Sergeant Troy will see to you.

You'll need your notebook.

And your tape recorder.

Tape recorder?
This has to be on record.

What has?

Isn't it obvious?
I've come to confess.

RECORDER CLICKS ON

There have been two murders,
Darren.

Which one are you holding
your hand up to?

Or did you do both?

I let your tyres down.

It's an old tradition.

Once a month someone
from Upper Warden goes

to Lower Warden
and does something bad.

This month it was my turn,
so I let your tyres down.

But I thought it was
a Lower Warden car.

I didn't realise it was yours.

Well, Darren, I think this is a case
where we can

exercise our discretion
and let you go with a caution.

Don't you want to hear
the other stuff?

What other stuff?

Like what I saw in Lower Warden
after I let your tyres down.

What did you see?

I was lurking across the street.

I don't see it as lurking,
but some people do.

And I saw Danny and Phil
come out of The Chapel.

And they were having a right set-to.

So where was the money, Phil?

He didn't give me any money.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Don't cross me.
I'll see you in the morning.

Were they arguing about money?

Definitely about money.

Have you collected any other stuff
in the course of your lurking?

I brought my videos.

I make
fly-on-the-wall documentaries.

It's like lurking with a camera.

Here.

That's the one
you've been waiting for.

The opening ceremony
of The Satanic Experience.

The explosion looks really good
on that one.

What do you do with these
after you've made them?

I put them on my website
and hope I'll be talent-spotted.

The trouble is
I don't know what's on all of them.

Your best plan might be
to suck it and see.

This is when they made
The House Of Satan last year.

On the first day of shooting
they held a bit of a party

so the locals could meet
Larry Smith.

Is that Sarah Proudie?

Yeah, Mrs Proudie was there.

Mrs Proudie? Is she married?

I think she was.

Called herself "Ms"
ever since she got liberated.

Are they having a row?

They might have been.

There's not much more of this.

Sorry - it's an old tape.

We shot this bit
before the microphone went kaput.

Is that Phil Harrison?

Yeah. He's brilliant.

He generally wins
when he's on field.

Danny's brilliant as well,
but he's better on the flat.

They got identical bikes.

But they would -
they've always been mates.

Darren, you are a prince amongst men.

What are we looking for, sir?

The row Darren witnessed
outside The Chapel after you'd left

wasn't just about money.

I think it was villains falling out.

I saw Danny come here last night
to collect something.

It must have been money. It must have
been from the Smythe-Websters.

But he didn't find it.

So something obviously went wrong.

Are we talking blackmail?
Blackmail. Money with menaces.

Pay up or we carry on
murdering your family.

Danny's expecting his share
of the money,

and instead he finds...

He finds this.

These murders, Danny.

Yes, sir?

We can't go on like this, can we?

We're going to run
out of family, aren't we, sir?

You've got such a sweet way
of putting things, Danny.

Have you found us
anything in Lower Warden?

I made a bit of progress.

You might say my inquiries
are ongoing.

I tried opening negotiations
with Sarah Proudie,

but she indicated I was
talking to the wrong person.

Ms Proudie knows most

of what goes on
in Lower Warden, sir,

but I don't think she approves
of it all, if you see what I mean.

The whole thing's so ghastly.

I'm sure it's affecting my nails.

Take that. I'll join you later.

Mrs Smythe-Webster.

Good morning.

I can't remember when I last
experienced a good morning.

You were trying to scrub the graffiti
off the wall, weren't you?

Yes.

You seemed to think
it was a reference to Wendy.

She was very upset about that.

She's actually very sensitive.

Stupid, but sensitive.

But if it wasn't a reference to her,
then...

It was me, Inspector.

Mine was the nakedness
that was uncovered.

I see.

Well, I have to ask you -

which brother?

Goodness me. Frank, of course.

Frank was funny. He made me laugh.

I don't laugh very easily.

Was this recently?

Over 20 years ago.

Are you telling me
that Lawrence was...

Yes.

Lawrence was Frank's son.

Did your husband know about all this?

Oh, yes.

How did he feel about it?
How does he feel about it?

He hated Frank. Hated Lawrence.

He probably hates me.

But we never talk about it.

Do you think that your husband

killed Lawrence,
and then killed Frank?

No.

Though I don't think
he'd object strenuously

if somebody else did it for him.

Simon is resolutely Christian.

Everything is God's will.

It's a very convenient
way of looking at things really.

It means that nothing
is ever anyone's fault.

That is a wicked distortion.

Life in the big house, Inspector.

Laura, please!

I'm going to pray.
You can join me if you wish.

You've really made Ellis Bell
your mission in life, haven't you?

I'm Ellis Bell's
great-granddaughter.

Oh, I see.

You say...

In your preface to the new edition
of The House Of Satan

that when that book first appeared
in 1897

the Smythe-Websters of the day
bought out the publishers.

Bought the publishers
and burned the books.

They had a huge bonfire
in the grounds of the big house.

And then a hundred years later,
they stole it back,

corrupted it,
and made their millions.

They took a classic
and crapped all over it.

Is that what you said to
Mr Rupert Smythe-Webster

when he came here to see you
last night?

Oh, that was a social call.

Social call?

Very surprised
you're on speaking terms.

Thirty years ago we had a brief
and dangerous liaison.

It ended in tears, of course.
They were his not mine.

There's a potentially decent man

buried under that thousand years
of history.

And I thought I could dig him out.

I failed.

My sergeant says
he offered you money.

Which I refused.
Why?

I approached Frank Webster
at the proper time about making

a contribution to the running
of my museum.

He said the book was out of
copyright and told me to get lost.

End of story.

I don't grovel to these people.

I don't grovel to anyone,
as you've probably gathered.

Elsie Pinchel? Danny's mother?

She died a couple of weeks ago.

A legendary midwife of this parish.

And a formidable gossip.

She'd have answered all
your questions,
whether she knew the answers or not.

Would she really?

What do you think of Danny?

Everybody likes Danny.

I think that's his problem -
he wants to be liked.

And that's tricky.

Is this the famous chapel?

Well, it was. Before God retreated.

And the people's republic
of Lower Warden

turned it into a drinking club.

We did the conversion work
ourselves.

A collective enterprise.

Phil did the building work.

Danny did the rewiring.
I burned the altar.

Danny did the electrics?
Yes.

He's a wizard with wires.

Troy, can you meet me at the hotel
in 10 minutes, please?

We need to talk to Danny.

Helen. How are you feeling?

Heaps better, thanks.

Is Danny in this morning?

He's in the kitchen.
Yes.

Tell him it's well past coffee time.

I will.

Helen.

Has Danny had any visitors
this morning?

Only Mr Smythe-Webster.
What time did he leave?

I didn't see him leave. He could
have gone out the back door.

OK, thanks.

Has something happened to Danny?

Yes, something has happened to Danny.

Afternoon, Barnaby. Progress report?

I have one or two further questions,
please.

I'm told that you and Sarah Proudie
from Lower Warden

were once, if you'll pardon
the expression, an item.

My God.

You have been dredging, haven't you?

There seems an awful lot
to dredge in these parts.

She said,

you couldn't have a proper
relationship across the tracks

if one of the families
owns the tracks.

It's a fair point.

So I returned to my own kind.

That's all over now.

Good health.
Thank you.

How do you mean "it's all over now"?

Take a look at that photograph.
Up there on the mantle.

The Smythe-Webster boys when young.

Notice anything?

There were four of you.
Exactly.

My big brother St John

drove his Ferrari into a wall
when he was up at Oxford.

So we all moved up one.

I got landed with running
this place,

instead of becoming the local vicar.

Would you have enjoyed that?
It's a doddle.

The hours are undemanding
and you get first whack
at the young wives club.

Why? Why did you say
"it's all over now"?

Well, by the time big brother
had killed himself,

I'd had the operation.

The snip.

It was Sarah Proudie's idea,
but it made sense at the time,

looking ahead to the young wives.

Simon, as you will have observed,
is fundamentally sexless

And Frank...

Frank was always very careful
after the business with Laura

which brought forth little Larry.

We're running out of family,
Mr Barnaby.

A thousand years, and now it's over.

How do you plan to cope?

That's what The Satanic Experience
is all about.

Fatten up the place,

sell it to some
global leisure corporation

and spend the money on loose living.

It's the end of the line
and nobody will give a damn.

But why? Why would anyone want
to murder your nephew

and your brother? Why?

We've got the money
and they haven't.

A box of thunderflashes
went missing a few days ago.

Mr Wilson says the only other person
to hold a key to the armoury is you.

You think I killed Larry?

Anyone else have access to your key?

I did lose it for a couple of days.
But then it turned up,

so I thought no more about it.

I understand
that Danny Pinchel has become

quite a favourite of yours.

He's a good lad.

He manages to see past the money

and talk to me
like another human being.

Did you see him
as a prospective heir?

I don't know
what he's been telling you

but that's ridiculous.

I've always said that if we sold up
we'd try to protect his job.

But that's hardly the same thing.

Did you argue with him this morning?

Over the key perhaps?

Danny? You think Danny
stole the key?

No, I've always found him
an amiable soul.

He's a dead soul now.

Dead? What are you talking about?

Someone killed him.

Round about the time of your visit.

They can't kill Danny.

Everybody likes Danny.

Three possibilities.

There's a bruise indicating
he's been banged on the head,

more bruises on the neck indicating
that someone tried to strangle him.

But I've got a feeling

he's actually been drowned.
Drowned?

In gaspacho.

In what?
It's cold tomato soup.

I'd say he was held facedown
in that.

By a killer whose clothes
must be in a terrible mess.

This doesn't tie in with the others.

Danny wasn't a Smythe-Webster.

Not yet he wasn't.

Danny the chef?

What you going to do with this one?

Call it drugs-related and file under
pending?

You've done very well out of these
murders, haven't you, Mr Murdoch?

Just doing my job.

You see the bright lights beckoning,
don't you?

But I see a motive for murder.

That's outrageous.
That being the case,

your best plan will be to stay
out of my field of vision.

Now if there are no more questions...

Is it true a local man
is helping with your inquiries?

Well, if it is, it'll be a first.

Sir.

I found this in Danny's pocket.
It looks like his mum's diary.

Excellent.

What's the betting Phil
did a cross-country run on that bike

this morning to kill Danny?

Message received and understood,
sir.

SOBBING

I thought the point
of women's emancipation

was that you didn't have to do
the men's dirty washing.

Troy? Ta.

Sorry about the flat tyres. I don't
know where I get these ideas.

My sergeant has something
to say to you.

Philip Harrison, you are charged
with the murders

of Danny Pinchel, Larry Smith
and Frank Webster.

Why?

My nephew was a waster,
my brother was a waster

and I daresay I'm a waster too.

Everybody liked Danny!

No, no, no.

Everybody was wrong.

Danny was the worst of the lot.

What did you mean
Danny was the worst of the lot?

He was the brains.

I was the guy who pushed the button.

Danny borrowed your key
to the armoury.

CLAPPING AND CHEERING

And he planned the explosion
that killed Larry.

Three... Two... One...

Go!

Phil triggered the blast
by remote control.

SCREAMING

But Danny was on hand to give
the signal by mobile phone.

No. I don't believe this.

But why?

I saw Frank Webster laugh
at you that day.

Just because
some cheapskate ancestor

wrote a lousy book?
He was our ancestor.

You know the law.

There is no copyright on books
70 years after the writer's death.

Ellis Bell belongs to the world now.

Public ownership.

I thought you people
believed in that, darling.

He should never have laughed
at you, simple as that.

After Larry died, Frank was supposed

to come through with the money,
wasn't he?

But he didn't. Is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

I wanted to pay up. He didn't.

We tossed a coin to decide.

My way.

Yeah, he fancied himself
as a hard man.

He wasn't.

I assume you were going
to put pressure on Rupert next?

He was still the man with the money.

All right, I can understand
Phil hating the family.

But why Danny?

Go on. Tell him, Phil.

I went to see him this morning.

We had words, and suddenly he said -

You're an idiot. Just like your dad.

I haven't got a dad.
Everyone's got one somewhere.

Yours is lord of the manor. Yeah.

If you don't believe me

I can show you my mum's diary.
Oh, yeah, Rupert's my dad.

That means I could spoil everything
for you, couldn't I?

You set me up, didn't you?

You wanted me to go down
for all this stuff.

Well, I went down
for the cricket pavilion.

Then with me out of the way
you could have a clear run.

That's what friends are for.

What precisely am I being told here?

Danny's mother, Elsie,
was the midwife at Phil's birth.

And she always told the mother,

"If anything goes wrong,
I need to know who the father is."

And so I told her.

And she wrote all the names
down in her diary.

This diary.

Which we found on Danny's body.

Yes, Rupert.

You are Philip's father.

Yeah.

And I'm your son and heir.

Except that you people would have
found a way of screwing me.

We couldn't have some lout

from Lower Warden
taking over the manor, could we?

That's why I never told you.

You did the right thing, Mum.

Look at us. We're a family.

So long... Daddy.

CHOIR SINGS

Back to normal, then?

Normal's a bit weird round here,
isn't it, Mr Wilson?

No, Darren. Weird's another place.

Never thought of you as a gardener,
Sarah.

I'm keeping it nice for my son.

Is it too late for us to be friends?

Oh, I think so.

Don't you?

You were right. It's not a bad book.

It's very good.

You didn't tell me the hero's name
is Harrison.

Phil Harrison.

You didn't ask.

Is this your bookmark?
Probably.

Oh, no it's not.

Danny's meatball recipe.

He seemed a nice boy.

Oh, yeah.

Everybody liked him.

Closed Captions by CSI -
Adrian Tan