Midsomer Murders (1997–…): Season 10, Episode 4 - The Axeman Cometh - full transcript

I should have used the red tag.
No, no. Trust me.

The killer bug is right
for the flow.

Yes!
Gently, gently...

Delicate mouths.

I remember watching my dad do this.
Course, he was poaching.

Are you all right, dear?
(WHIMPERS)

Oh, that is so perfect!

Look.

What is it?

No, no, leave it!

Urgh!



♪ JAZZ BLUES

BLAST OF HORN

(WHOOP)

Hey, man, did you see that?
That was the drummer guy!

TANNOY: 'We're lucky enough to have
some of the best bands around
past and present,

so if you like rock'n'roll,

join us at the Midsomer Rocks
Festival...

EXCITED CRIES

CHEERING
Come on, darling, it's show time!

Hello, Midsomer!
CHEERING

Who does he think he is?
Jesus. Close.

You know him?
I certainly do!

That is the incredibly brilliant
Jack "Axeman" McKinley,

one of the great blues guitarists
of the generation - my generation!



(RETCHES)

Problem?

The first time I saw him, he was
playing with John Mayall

at the Ricmond Jazz & Blues Festival.

When was that? The year Muddy Waters
was headlining. Course it was.

And then he teamed up with local
heroes Gary Cooper and Ginger Foxton

and they formed Hired Gun.
Wonderful.

GIRL: See you!

CHEERING

I was actually at
the Craw Daddy Club

the night a very young Eric Clapton
joined them.

They did Robert Johnson stuff from
the '30s. It was wonderful.

Pure history.

Have you seen my dad?
(LAUGHS)

How is he?
Sir is a littkle stressed today.

Dear, oh dear.

(RINGS BELL)

Don't strain yourself, will you?

Well, leave it to the gardener!

All right, all right.

Is this the way to Gary Cooper's
gaff? What the...

Gary's house? Badgers Hall?

It's right there.

Ta, darling.

They did sheep on my tennis court,
Now one of my pigs in the river.

He's trying to freak me, isn't he?

Call the police. But it might blow
the true focus of the moment -

the relaunching of Hired Gun.

But the bloke's trying to kill me!
I don't think so.

These are just macabre attempts to
unnerve you. Ignore them.

What, just like that?

We wouldn't let anyone harm you.

Would we, Serena?
Of course not.

BLAST OF HORN

Now, you'd better greet to prepare
your old friends.

There.

Perfect gentleman.

Relax!

Come on, doggy! Come on!

Where's the servants?
Come on, doggy. Time for a wee.

Are you still deaf? What?
Deaf? You prat!

Of course I'm deaf.
I'm a bleedin' drummer!

Oh, Mimi!

(LAUGHS)

Yeah!

How are you, darling?
Pretty smashed!

No change there, then!

Nicky. Axe.

Guys. Hey!

(BOTH GUFFAW)

Here comes...Mr Toad! (GUFFAWS)

Hired Gun.

They were brilliant.

They took the basic 12 bar blues
format

but within it they created a
completely new rock-blues crossover.

That's...really interesting, sir.

There is a relevance in my reverence,
Jones.

Look at that one.

That...is Ginger Foxton.

30 years ago he disapperaed.

They found his car on Lockstone
Quarry,

but they never found Ginger.

Hence his iconic status as rock's
Lord Lucan.

Were you running the case?
No, you f...

How old do you think I am?
I don't know.

I've done speed dating,
not carbon dating.

I'd just been made detective
sergeant. Like you now.

I was just shadowing my boss, but
unlike you,

I was making a great show of respect
and deference.

Right, sir.
Right, sir.

Hired Gun reformed, eh?

ENGINE OFF

Nicky. Nicky!

Nicky!
What?

You're doing my head in!

(HUMS)

Gentlemen...

"Gentlemen!" Are we dead already?

Shut up a sec.
What's he saying? Get on with it!

Right...

I'd just like to say how great it is
to have you all here.

This here is our new manager -
Simon Dixon,

son of our old manager,
the late great Roly Dixon.

You were a wee sprog a minute ago.

Hi, Simon!
Hi.

Who?

It's a privilege to be taking on
Dad's greatest band ever.

I didn't even know Roly was dead.

Yeah, unfortunately my father passed
away after a long period -

Hey! Girlie girl!

Fill her up!

(HUMS)

Daddy!

What's up, pet?

Someone's watching us.

Who would that be?

God.

She's very beautiful.
Yeah.

So it's not damaging anyone
or any person.

KLetiot gi, look the other way,
all softly softly.

We can all enjoy the music, can't we?

OK? Best of luck.
Sir.

So...what does your flock think of
this unusual use of church land?

Oh, I don't care what they think.

I mean, all this will pay for
a new church roof.

No, thanks, I'm a bit chesty.

(THROUGH SPEAKERS)
Testing, one two three.

Hey, Keith, get out of that tree!

I love musicians! They come from a
different place to the rest of us.

Indeed they do.

Blind Lemon Jefferson.
He changed my life.

Really? Yes. His use of contrapuntal
rhythms turned me on to madrigals.

Yes... A lot of people say that.

I haven't put a car in a pool

for 20 years.

I haven't had a drink in ten.

I still act smashed and horrible -
keep the punters happy.

We're broke as well.

How about the Caddie?
Yeah...

We hire it out for weddings
and funerals.

THAT is our income.

Do you reckon Gaza's shagging his PA?

What? What?

Notice to quit?
He's chucking us off our own land!

HIS land.

We sold it to him, remember?
Try to hang on to that fact.

You have to do something.
Me?

Well, he's your chum. Sort him out.

How?

Oh, I'm sure you'll think of
something.

Gary! I'm sorry, Fin,
but I've been advised -

"Have been advised."
Sorry, HAVE been advised

that I've got to cover my costs
on the cottage.

When I was 13
and welded to a pony

and you'd fled to Midsomer to become
the new gormless ape on the rock
scene,

we were still friends, right?

Yes.
So what's changed?

Nothing! And that's the trouble.

Your bloody husband still treats me
like I'm a serf.
I want him out of my face.

And me too.

No, but...

Do you want to do a deal?
But -

he's betrayed his musical
and class roots. There. I'll
continue your lessons...
Fin!

..and...I'll also sleep with you.

Don't tell me you haven't
been thinking about it for 30 years.

I certainly have.

What do you say?

Simon would like you to look at
the stage now, sir.

Um, I'll catch you later. La-ter.

Afternoon.
Mrs Harcourt.

(TANNOY) 'I can tell you that
tonight in the healing field

there will be one minute's peace...'

ANNOUNCEMENTS CONTINUE

Lights? Done.
Trusses trim and safetied? Yeah.

And tomorrow spots on cans. Health
and Safety are all over the place.

Ow! Argh!
I'm sorry, did I hurt you? Yes!

Bloody hell!

It's um, all right.

You have to move the blood
so it doesn't bruise. Right,

you know about these things, do you?

I manage a band, you've got to know
about everything. I really am sorry.

Which band?
Hired Gun.

You're probably too young to -
No, no. They're my dad's favourite.

I'm Simon Dixon. Dickhead.

Sorry?
Nothing. Just Simon.

It's an inevitable nickname.

I'm a little bit erm...

Do you want a backstage pass and
cometo the party afterwards?

(HUMS)

(SCREAMS)

Didn't we them at the Marquee Club
in about 1912?

Yes, but guitarists mature with age.

Are you coming?
No, I don't think so.

But Cooper and Mckinley,
they're legends, Joyce.

As are Bateson and Farnaby.
Who?

Madrigal writers.

Top of the chart 1623.

"Where the daffodilies blow."

I have a rehearsal.
But you, have fun! Yeah.

Cully, are you coming? Hm?
Yeah, I'll be there all weekend.

Great!
With MY friends. Good.

(MIMICS BLUES INSTRUMENTAL)

Dad, Dad... Please.

Try and maintain the gap
between the generations.

OK. Tomorrow...

I love olives!

Listen, guys. Tomorrow we're going
to give them what they expect.

Pure Gun.

How come we're on at midday?

Get you home on time for bed.
It'll give you a chance to settle in.

There's a new crowd now. You've got
to let them get to know you.

They'll be throwing bus passes at us
next.

And then Monday we can try
a couple of the new songs.
Let's not.

Have you got a problem with that?

It's your lyrics, man.

Listen to this,

"As if waking from a dream,

I'm looking in his dream..."
(LAUGHS)

What's wrong with that?

It's like bad Simon and Garfunkel.

We're a kick-ass blues band, man.
Always have been!

(SQUEALS OUT A RIFF)

Hear hear!
This is my band!

No, it's our band!

I'm paying the bills!

Oh, right. So he who pays the piper,
eh?

COMMOTION
Listen to me, please.

This has got to stop.
This is what broke you up before.

You're not the Floyd or Cream.

Wmebley's not holding its breath.

You've got something a small chance
of rebuilding doing gigs like this.

But if you can't make it through
Midsomer in one piece,

then let's just forget it right now!

Yeah, let's just forget it.

I'll drink to that!

GUITAR AND DRUMS EASE IN

It was going so well.

♪ As if waking from a dream

You should raid them.

Get out there and arrest
the lot of them.
On what grounds

would we be taking this intrusive
action?

Drugs, of course.
They're all on drugs.

Mr Harcourt, Gary Cooper got his MBE

for spearheading this Say No To Drugs
campaign.

PR nonsense!
I don't think so.

Bull's-eye.
Sitting duck.

Knocking-off time.

Can I arrest the bongo player?
If you promise to break his fingers.

Good grief!

Owen! Is that you?

By God, save us!

Young DS Barnaby!

Hey, you're looking great, boy.
And so do you, sir.

Jones, this is Detective Inspector
Jenkins.

I was to him what you are to me.

Bloody useless.

Welsh?
Born there, brought up here, sir.

Can't have everything.
So what are you doing here?

Oh, my wife died and I was hopeless
on my own.

I'm at the Cedars.

I'll be there till they carry me
out, I reckon.

THRUM OF MOTORBIKE

You know who they are, don't you,
sir?

Oh, I think I might have a clue.
Oh... I'm sorry.

Oh, that's water under the bridge.

Anyway, come and see me soon.
I will.

Bye, Jones. Da boch chi!

Poor old Jenkins.

He had a cracking career.
A very good run.

So Ginger Foxton's disappearance
and the media

decided he was a little south of
competent.

Drink?

Pint? Please.
Pint, please.

And a scotch.

It's the colourful locals, Nicky.

Hey there, Mr Mckinley!

You're recognising me.

I'm still famous!

What?
Famous!

Oh, great.

Cheers.
Cheers.

That's never an orange juice, is it?

As if, eh! That, my friend, is a
triple voddie

with a wee drop of orange
for my health's sake.

Well, always good to have a hobby.
Oh, a humourist!

Hey, Nicky, we've bumped into
the local wit.

And what, pray tell, sir,
are your interests?

Well, as a matter of fact,
music's one of them,

Oh! Do go on!

Well, I used to play a bit myself
and we had a sort of group.

You hear that, Nicky?
He had a group!

Oh, God help us.

You know why this depresses
my friend so much?

Because everywhere we go,
in this miserable world,

some guy jumps up and says,
"Hi. I was in a group."

I mean, do I come up to you and say,
"Hey, I was an accountant!"

or whatver you are. No, I don't!

So I suggest what you do is,
you butt out

and you take your group with you.

Come on, Nicky... Leave it.

I can feel the tears welling up
in my head.

And you shouldn't serve alcohol to
people who are obviously drunk.

Orange juice. Neat.

'So you can go backstage as well?'

Oh, I don't think so.

Sorry.
Are you sure that's a good idea?

What?
Well, bands, musicians.

He's their manager.

Yeah, but it's so rock'n'roll.
Let it go.

Are you kidding?
No, I'm not kidding.

Oh, so i's all right for you to be
a right old rocker,

but should I want to meet your
precious hero...

That is right.
Look, Cul, I know these people.

I have an overall perspective. You
don't want to go mixing with - Dad!

Dad, I am going...with Simon.

I'll see you there.

Or not.

How do I look, eh?

Lord Muck.

Definitely!

It'd be for real
if there was any justice.

Blahdy blahdy blah!

Brain-dead old lush!

Ringo!
Oi!

Don't you two start!

Do you have everything you require?

Yes, thank you, my man.

You may retire.

Thank you, sir.

No, thank you, ma'am.

(WHEEZE WITH LAUGHTER)

I got the stone munchies!

I'm a farmer.

Got a place on the coast.

Do a bit of session work, but er...

mostly I'm like something out the
Archers, you know?

Is everything all right, sir?

You're full of it, Hobson,
aren't you? Eh?

Sir?

All this er, Jeeves stuff.

Who do you think you're kidding, eh?

You've got a man on a lead here.

Sit, Gary. Beg, Gary.

Lick your own nuts, Gary.

I really haven't the first idea
what you're talking about.

Sir.
Sir.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, darling...

Nighty night.

(HEARTY LAUGH)

He always was the smart one.

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

Somebody...

(SINGS JAZZ FUNK)

BAND MUFFLED

Do 'em good.
I will.

I've been having a bot of a rethink
about the cottage.

I thought you might be.

She's OK.
Of course she is.

All right, all right,
what should I do, then?

Exercise your droit de seigneur.

My what?

Tenants' tithes can always be paid
in kind

rather than cash.

Would you like the wardrobe door
closed?

Course.

Good night, Gary. Sleep well.

GLASS SMASHES

ANIMATED SHOUTING

He all right?

Oh, yeah.

♪ UPBEAT JAZZ BLUES

DRILLING

DRILLING CONTINUES

I can smell them. 30 years
and they still haven't washed.

I'm gonna be sick.
Are you all right, guys?

I can't open. You always open.
They expect it.

Let's do Breaking Storm instead.

No way, man.

I'm not opening.
What a tosser.

Pick a number. Any number.

Mimi.
OK, we'll start with Mimi.

Doll's House Blues.

Can you do it?
Hey, I'm a pro!

Get your new frock on, then,
shall we, girl?

Come on, Axe, it's gonna be great!

(CHANT) H-H-Hired Gun!

H-H-Hired Gun!

H-H-Hired Gun!

H-H-Hired Gun!

You're looking great, girl. Come on!

Let's do it!

Are you OK, Mimi?
I'm a pro.

Everything working, Axe?
Yeah, cool.

I wouldn't have thought
this was your sort of music.

Anthropological interests, sir.

You're looking great, girl.

Hi, guys. Hi, Simon. Ready to roll?

I think they're ready for us, Mike.

Fantastic. OK, guys, have a good
one, yeah? Stay cool. Stay sober.

Let's do it.

CHANTING CONTINUES

Hey, Gunners!

It's been 30 years in the waiting.

Now is the time, the place,
the hour.

Hired Gun are shooting to kill!

CHEERING

One of rock's great drummers,
Nicky Harding!

CHEERING

Midsomer's own, Gary Cooper!
CHEERING

And the greatest...
Jack "The Axeman" McKinley!

WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Midsomer!

Let's hear it for the queen of rock!

Back from the gates of hell!

Mimi Clifton!

♪ You gotta rock it in the cradle
Roll under the table

♪ Never take it easy
Gotta live it nice and sleazy

♪ Party till you're drunk
Ain't never gonna stop

♪ Got nothing to lose
Sing the doll house blues with me

♪ Well, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeaaaah

♪ Waaaaaah

CRIES AND SHOUTS

Mimi!
Don't touch her!

Get a medic!

Get a medic now! Nicky!

Nicky!
What?

SILENCE DESCENDS

Give us your torch. And yours.
Thanks.

Any ideas?
It's pretty ancient gear.

I suppose they cross-wired
something.

I don't think so.

Come on.

What have we here?

Woowdworm. Or somebody's been
drilling.

Do you suppose...

that someone might just have run
a live wire through the hole

along to the mike stand?

Where is it now?

It was terrible. Just standing
there. I felt so helpless.

Yeah, I know.

Darling, are you all right, love?

Yeah.

I don't want you people to leave
Badgers.

And tell your colleagues I'll speak
to them shortly. Come on.

Thank you.

I told you. Best to steer clear.

Derek!

I thought you were supposed to be
looking after me.

You're fine, Gary.
Fine? Fine!

Ask Gary if he needs anything else.

Gary?

The light!
Of course.

(GROANS)

Are you all right, darling?

Fine.

Why wouldn't I be?

I mean, yeah, sure, it's tragic.

Really...loved her, but whoever
done it was after me.

How do you work that out?

I was supposed to open
on the number one mike.

Oh, yeah, I see...

It's part of a pattern, see.

Someone's been trying to freak me
for months.

In what way?
Dead sheep on my tennis court.

Gutted pig in my trout stream.

Rabbit hanging in my garage.

But you haven't reported any of these
incidents, have you?

We considered the ensuing publicity
might be detrimental to Mr Cooper's
general well-being.

Oh, of course.

Gary is a sensitive artist.

Gary, have you got any idea
who might be behind - Ginger.

Ginger Foxton?
Right.

But nobody's seen Ginger Foxton for
the last 30 years.

Oh, yes, they have.

Suivez moi, mate.

Right, cop this.

There. That's Ginger.
Well, that could be anyone.

No, look. Wait.

Watch.

Now, see his right hand?

See the ring?

That is a Hells Angel
death's head ring.

He had that made specially. That is
a one-off ring.

Where did you get this tape?
Anonymous package.

Illegible postmark.

I know this place, it's Winston
Chadwick, isn't it?

It is Winston Chadwick.
That's ten minutes from here.

Well, proves it even more then.

He's been stalking me
and now he's trying to kill me.

But why would he do that, Gary?

I thought you two were...were mates?
Yeah, once.

Soon as we started getting anywhere,
all he wanted to do was fight...

musical direction, money, women.

He was a nutter.

And then he disappeared.

Yeah. Everybody said, after the
crash, he'd just gone away and died
somewhere,

but I always knew...

He was planning something weird.

He took a long time getting round
to it.

You don't believe me, do you?
It's not a matter of belief Gary.

It's more about respect for the laws
of probability.

That is Ginger!

And where were YOU
the day the music died?

In the crowd.
Not far from you, actually

How long have you worked for Gary?

A couple of years.

Since he returned to his roots and
advertised for a general factotum.

Are you local?

Reasonably.

I worked for Lord Stanwell
until he died

and I was hastily set aside
by his son and heir.

But you found yourself
a comfy billet here, eh?

Coping with the whims of a
self-obsessed adolescent?

Not everyone's idea of "comfy",
Mr Barnaby.

So your job here is housekeeper-
secretary, is that right?

Is that suspicious?
I hope not.

Do you enjoy it?

It's a job.

All right, Miss Stanton,
that's fine for now.

Thank you.
Will you be talking to Mrs Harcourt?

She had a pretty intense discussion
with Gary yesterday.

What about?

Gary has asked the Harcourts
to vacate the cottage.

Mrs Harcourt is taking steps to have
the decision reversed.

What sort of steps?

(PLAYS RIFF)

You were an electrician, weren't you,
as a young man?

How did you find that out?

Well, that's what I do. That's my
job. When I'm not accounting.

Yeah, sorry about that. I didn't
realise you were the local man,
you know.

Oh, that's perfectly all right.

See, I'm stuck with this loony
doppelganger

that pays the mortgage, you know.

So sometimes I have to be rude
to perfectly nice fellow citizens.

I'm sorry.

Electrician?

Yeah, yeah.

I'd know how to hammer the volts
into a mike.

You'd just run a lead straight
from the generator, bypass
the transformer - massive volts.

But I didn't do it
and I was on the stage.

I hadn't suggested you did.

Well, I was maybe getting ahead
of you.

Mr Mckinley, do you have anything
against Gary?

Yes. He's betrayed his musical
and class roots. There.

Where do you think Ginger Foxton is
now?

There's no way Ginger's alive.
What's he been doing for 30 years,

living in a cave?

Gary's got a bee in his bonnet.
He's crazy, man.

So what sort of stuff did you do?

I'm sorry?
In this group of yours?

I think we ought to stick to
the matter in hand.

Merseyside covers, eh?
No, it was not.

No, it certainly was not!

We followed the true blues path.

It was er, Johnson, Hopkins,
John Lee Hooker...

Mr John Lee! My man, eh?

(PLAYS RIFF)

Hey, go on. Here!

♪ I love the way you walk

♪ I love the way you talk

♪ I love the way you walk

♪ You're my baby,
got my eyes on you

♪ I love the way you twitch

♪ I love the way you twitch

No, no. Listen. Hang on.

This is a police investigation.
It's very serious.

Funky music white boy, eh?

Yay!

That was pretty dangerous in those
days, eh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, life takes, you know, funny
turns, doesn't it?

Yeah, man.

Yes, well,
I best be about my business.

But thank you for that.

Thank you.

Garden.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, Ginge could still be around.
Likely.

He was always weird.

Always banging on about pagans
and sacrifices to the gods.

Really?
It didn't mean a thing.

They were just little boys in search
of a personality.

How did you get on with Gary?

What?
How did you get on with Gaz?

The same way all mugs get on with
the people who ripped 'em off.

Gary invested his earnings.
You blew yours out of the window.

You were blooming lucky to be
in the group anyway.

Meaning? Meaning Gary only kept you
on for your cheeky chappie image.

That is so not true!

he always got a proper drummer for
the recording sessions. He did not!

He did! He did not!
He...

Oh, it doesn't matter.
Silly sausage. Get off!

Burns at point of contact,
myocardial damage,

tetanic muscle contractions.

The brain practically turned to
soup.

Look for a heavy power source, Tom.

But I'm surprised she could even get
to the microphone. How so?

Filter and carburettor.

Liver and kidneys. (GAGS)
Completely stuffed.

Wouldn't get you round the block.

Suggest immediate trade-in.

Different species. Musicians?
Pathologists.

♪ Oh, Mother, leave this land

♪ Take me down to that promised land

Serena Stanton, Gary's PA,

says Finola Harcourt has promised to
give Gary a good seeing-to

if he lets them stay at the cottage.

Did she volunteer that information?
Insisted I had it.

I wonder why?

Well, probably because
she fancies him.

That was a rhetorical question,
Jones.

I'm au fait with the DNA of human
motivation.

Course, sir.

♪ Glory boys, brother

Roger Chapman.

Roger...Chapman!

Family?

Oh...

We've got 15 minutes.

♪ Take me down
to that promised land

Mimi Clifton was a huge talent

who defined a certain era of music

and will be not only be sorely missed
but impossible to replace.

However,
as a fitting memorial to Mimi,

we shall still play on Monday.

Excuse me. This is a crime scene.

So would you all clear the area? Now.

Thank you.
Catch you later Simon.

What do you think you're doing?

We're a story now and I'm a manager.

You're going ahead without your
singer?

There's plenty of female singers.

Maybe Cully would like to audition?

What? What?!

What did you say to him?
Nothing.

So, what do you think?

Well, this looks recent,
very recent.

And your Mr Axeman would have known
how to rig it.

It's all very pre-meditated,
isn't it?

Sir?

Musicians function in a more left
brain, impulsive manner.

This is a right brain MO.

Somebody has thought this through
very, very carefully.

John, this socket here.

Oh, God, what's he been saying?

Nothing, he's cool.
Just being a dad.

Never be an only child.
I am.

My mum left when I was three,
so it was just me and dad for years.

How did he die?
The curse of the untalented.

Those who can't play become managers,
take on everyone else's ulcers

and end up with cancer.

So...why are YOU doing it?

I guess I'm owed.

What?
My dad's.

Mine now.

Do you want to come aboard?

Why did you sell Badgers?

Desmond, being workshy as well as
stupid,

had lost us all of our money.

I did a very good deal with Gary.

What was that good deal?

If he paid us top dollar

and let us have the lodge
for a peppercorn rent,

I promised to be his er...
Professor Higgins.

Ah! Men always pretend to despise
what they want to become a part of,

so I teach him how to talk properly,

which fork to use

and how to address a duchess
during sex.

Would you like me to teach YOU?

(COCKNEY) No, thanks, ma'am.
I knows me place.

I doubt that.

But Gary has reneged on his deal,
hasn't he?

He wants to throw you out of the
lodge.

Below stairs is a place for
uninformed gossip.

Especially when that gossip comes
from a jumped-up little slapper.

No names, of course.

Oh, of course.

Spaghetti Junction this.
Sir? This place.

It's a meeting place for complex and
cleverly interwoven motives.

But which one gets us to the heart of
Birmingham, eh? Right...

Come on, little flower.
Get a move on.

Come on, Willow!

Get a move on, darling.

I had to find Doggy.
All right, darling.

Willow, isn't it?

And where's your mummy?

Where's my mummy?

Do you think I'm simple or
something?

No, no, of course I don't.

So why talk to me like that?

I do apologise. I just thought...
What?

Nothing.

How old are you?
12.

Hello, Mr Policeman,

somebody's trying to murder me. Or
it's poor maintenance on your part.

Not a chance.

I've nurtured and suckled that bike
since it was a wee thing.

I reckon the pipe from the tank to
the carburettor was punctured.

No, it had BEEN punctured! Which
would have caused a major leak.

It only needed a spark and -

Yeah, and we would have ended up
like Mimi.

So listen, could you get this bloke
before he gets us?

Or ruins us.

Listen, pal, I need this gig.

Cash money. Know what I mean?

I don't know what you're moaning
about. Calm down!

They don't really get the respect
thing, do they? No, they don't. No.

It's Ginger!

Ginger's back for God's sake.

He's got us all here and now
he's gonna kill us, one by one.

Could I speak to you alone, please?

Mr Cooper prefers me to be present.

Let me rephrase that. Could I speak
to you alone, please?

Either here or at the station, I'm
not fussed.

So?

So, where's the money?

What money?
The royalties.

We haven't recorded nothing -
anything - for years.

Back catalogue?
A few airtime payments,

goes straight to the accountants.

You see, Gary,
you seem to be doing all right.

Well, I done good.
I put away when we was big.

Property, shares. I was smart.

Call my accountants.

According to his accountants,

Gary and Ginger's songwriting
royalties went into an offshore trust

which either of them could borrow
from at 0% interest.

And Gary appears to have borrowed
the lot.

No wonder he's worried about Ginger
turning up.

However, if Gary died,

then his estate would have to pay
back the loans to the trust

which would then be dissolved

and the proceeds split between Gary
and Ginger's heirs.

And if there are no heirs?

Any residual monies are to be
divided equally

among surviving members of the band.

So everything goes to the last man
standing! Yes.

Who are they?

I don't know. Are they groupies?

What are they doing in the file?

Why them in particular?

Now I know this is a sensitive area
for you. Not at all, not at all.

Long time ago.

And once you take your foot
off the treadmill,

it all seems a bit...yesterday.

But you do remember the case,
don't you? Just about.

Ginger's car goes into the quarry.

There's no sign of Ginger,
but a lot of his blood.

So it's assumed that Ginger
has survived

and stumbled off into legend.
Right.

"Rock star vanishes!"

If it had been Joe Blow the butcher,
nobody could have given a toss.

But as it was a bloody celeb, I had
to come up with the daft begger.

Owen... This was in your old file.

Do you remember why you kept
that particular photograph?

Are you kidding? I can't even
remember what I had for breakfast.

Nowadays all I think about is
cricket...and death.

As one prepares you for the other!

I would really appreciate your help
with this.

Oh, you would, would you?
Course I would.

You were one of the best.
Oh, that's true.

BAND: # She saw my new blue jeans

Oh, here we go.

Aya ye. Big smile, eh?

No? Wee kiss?

A knee trembler?

No fun, that fella, eh?

Sorry.

Where are you off to?
Landlord-tenant discussions.

Unless you have any better ideas.

Fine...

Died as she lived. Falling down.

Mimi.

This is pathetic.
Let's have some proper drinks.

No, I don't do that any more, Nicky.
Mimi only dies once.

No, man, I have one drink, I don't
stop for months.

Even better.

Go on, Si, go and get us
a bottle of vodka, go on!

Yes!

This is not a good idea.

She's here. Finola.

I know.
They're having supper together.

I suggested he invite her.
Why?

Better he should eat at home where
his friends can keep an eye on him.

But if she...
Have faith, child.

One knows what one's doing.

Mimi.
Mimi.

How come your dad, Roly Poly,

the worst manager we ever had,

how come that fat no-mark put me
on such a naff contract?

Don't you ever say a word
against my dad!

Touchy. It was Gary that dictated
the deals anyway.

Gaz said it was out of his hands.

Nothing was ever out of
Gary's hands.

Mimi. Mimi. Mimi.

MOBILE RINGS

I'm just popping out.

Where are you going? Simon's asked me
to join him at the pub.

No, don't go there, Dad.

See you later. Have fun.

Why didn't you stop her?

She's not a teenager, Tom.

Leave the poor girl alone.

(WITH GUSTO) Mimi!
Mimi!

You know what? What?
I hate Gary.

No, you don't.

I do. He's always preyed on me.

Do you remember that bird?

What bird?
All the birds!

I'd bring them in,
cos I'm a nice guy,

and he'd get off with 'em
because he's the rich guy!

Nicky, that's life, man!

That's trash, man.

I'm going to kill him.

He thinks it's all over.
Well, it is now,

because I...I'm gonna kill him.

Oh, Jeeze!

Come on. We better look after him.
Let's go.

I've got a date. Can you take him?

Oh, thanks, man (!)

Hello.

Had a drink, have we? No, I'm just
tired of being a nanny 24-7.

Ah! Do you work this hard at
everything in your life?

Yeah.

GRUNTING AND GASPING

So... OK, was it?

Gary, an English gentlemen never
asks if it was OK.

He assumes his mere presence in the
bed is enough to satisfy any wife,
servant or Labrador.

(LAUGHS)

Class traitor you are!

It was great.

And was it just to pay the rent?

Why, what else would it be for?

Just thought there might be
something more.

How much more?

Well, this place don't seem right
without a bit of posh ordering
everyone about.

He wants to marry the bitch.
And he thinks it's his idea.

She's already married.
Oh, come on.

Alpha male. Big loser.
What's to choose?

I know how to handle the situation.

You'd better, you bloody better.

BOTH: (SLURRED) We hate Gary!

Gary is a muppet!

He's a muppet!

He's a wee muppet!
(LAUGHS)

We hate Gary! We hate Gary!

We do!
We hate Gary!

Shh!

Nickster, is Jeannie like...
like she was before?

Eh?
You know, is she like...

Goes ape if you're pissed
in the bedroom?

Oh, ruddy hell! She'll kill me.

I'll sleep in the Caddy.
Good idea, my man. (SNIGGERS)

Whoa! Whoa! Shh!

Here you go.

Here you go, darling!

A wee blinky blanket
for the wee man, eh?

I love you, Axe.

Get out of here!

Where is he?
He's asleep in the Caddy.

How many?
Enough to stun a horse.

Do you fancy a wee nightcap?

Oh, forget it!

30 years, Jeannie.

(RESOLUTE) No.

(Daddy? Can I get in with you?)

Shh! It's all right, darling.

It's only your Auntie Jeannie.

Your daddy and I are old friends.

Rock and roll.

(SIGHS)

What have you got?

Jack McKinley's got about 500
hundred county court judgements
against him.

Mainly traffic, but there's a couple
of offensive behaviours

and one for...assaulting
a parking attendant.

He bit him.

He bit him? Yeah!

Hobson?
No form.

And strangely there's no record of
him before about 30 years ago.

Serena Stanton? Said she was local
and knew about Causton High School,

but there's no listing of her
having been there.

Yeah, well, you keep digging.

What's that?

This, Jones, is something I nicked
from an art dealer.

It highlights things you can't see
with the naked eye.

Pentimento... Ah!

Like that.

Terry...Hailey?
Terry Hailey.

He was a hotshot photographer
in the '70s.

They always keep a record of who they
snap, else they can't sell them
to the glossies.

Right, well, see if you can track
down this Terry Hailey

and find out the names of
those girls.

They must be in the file
for some reason.

Terry Hailey married a model

who'd lived with one of the Eagles

after they backed Linda Ronstadt
but before they were big in 1972,

with erm...oh, er...

..Desperado! (HUMS SONG)

That should crack it wide open,
then.

FAINT BIRDSONG

Nick?

Urgh... Now where's he gone?

Oh, no!

(SIGHS)

Oh! Oh, no!

No!

Idiot. Stupid idiot.

You were right.
He was five times over the limit.

But there was no water in his lungs,

so he was dead well before
someone sank his vehicle.

Now, look at this.

In his mouth, two small threads.

From?
Ah, that was the tricky one.

You see, this is totally organic.

No chemicals, no bleach, nothing,
which is pretty rare.

If we could cut to the chase?
So I asked myself,

what sort of people use
untreated cotton?

And what do you reply?

Well, I had an idea so I rang
a pal of mine at the BTS. What?

The British Thoracic Society.

And he confirmed my suspicions.
Which were? Allergy sufferers.

So these two threads probably came
from one of those pillow cases

used by allergy sufferers.

Thank you.

Course I use them.
I get asthma, don't I?

It's pure cotton. Fine weave stops
all the dust mites and the stuff
that sets me off.

And I presume you have other
similarly covered pillows, do you?

Yeah, all over the house, in case
I go walkabout in the night.

Why would you do that?
Cos I can.

Where were you last night?

Here.

Alone?
Yeah.

I think what Gary means to say
is that he was alone
for some of the time.

But for most of time he had...
company.

Would you like to speak for yourself,
Gary?

Yeah, all right. I had a lady here.

Does the lady have a name?

Finola. Mrs Harcourt.

Sir...

The blanket in the back of
the Caddy. Yeah?

There were fibres from it on your
Mr Axeman's jeans.

Where is he?
In there.

So? Fibres?

I didn't kill him!

Mr Mckinley, can we please calm down?

Why?

Somebody's knocking us off left,
right and centre

and you're saying calm down?
Man, this IS calm!

You don't want to see me
when I'm angry.

No, I don't.
Last night when you left the pub,

you were legless by all accounts.
No, no, no!

I was putting my stuff in
the...the...the thingwee.

Nicky was hammered. Jeannie gives
him hell when he's like that,

so I tucked him up in the Caddy.

Right? Rug, fibres, duuuh!

I left him sleeping like a baby.

And you didn't give him a pillow? No!
I'm not the nanny.

And then you went to bed?
Yeah. No witnesses.

So sorry.
Daddy!

What is it, darling?
You had Jeannie in your bed!

She might be a slut, but at least
she's a witness.

Yeah...

It'd be nice if that didn't get
into the tabloids.

We've got him putting Nicky in the
Cadillac and banging his wife.

Not bad for starters.

"Banging his wife"?

That latter, Jones, may just be, you
know, the rock'n'roll lifestyle.

You don't think that maybe you're...
What?

Well, I know you sort of rate
the guy, so maybe your...

Well, silly idea.
Yes.

Forget it.
Yes. Check the manager.

Yes, sir.

I wasn't at Badgers. I was keeping
an eye on Axe and Nicky at the pub,

then I went and stayed
on my narrowboat.
Can anyone verify that?

Is that essential?

Yeah.

I was with a friend.

Name?
Oh, hey, Ben.

Hiya.

You're kidding?

I'm leaving town.

Well, very tragic.

Anyone's death, but, well, you know,
you reap as you sow.

You mean, if you're a musician,
you should be murdered?

You're wilfully misunderstanding me.
Why are you here, Mr Barnaby?

Well, I really want to talk to
Mrs Harcourt, if I may?

I'll leave you to it, then. Thanks.
No. I'd rather you stayed.

No, I really think
it would be better if -

No, it wouldn't. Fire away.

Come on. Ask your obvious question.

Um... Well, I was talking to Gary

and he said that you could vouch for
his whereabouts

for some part of last night.

Yes.

For most of last night
I was in bed with Gary. Oh, woman!

What's the matter, Desmond?
Don't you like being a pimp?

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Sorry about that.
No, no, it's fine.

Thank you for corroborating.
Mr Barnaby,

I was born to be lady of the manor.

It's all I'm equipped for.

I want my job back.

Do you actually like Gary?

Yes, fortunately.

Very much.

And um...my father had an affair
with his mother,

so er, he could be my brother
for all I know!

You're winding me up.
Country ways, Mr Barnaby.

Country ways.

Oh, please...

Terry Hailey had copies
of all his old files.

The girls were called Jane Cameron
and Ingrid Petersen.

Jane Cameron runs
a model agency in Australia

and Ingrid Petersen supposedly lives
at this address.

Simon Dixon?

On his narrowboat.

With anyone?

A mate.

A mate (!) (CHUCKLES)

Check it.
Yeah. Confirmed.

Yeah.

She's been with us for nearly a year
now, very little community response.

I'm afraid she may have suffered
irreparable brain damage.

Through here.

Ingrid?

It is Ingrid, isn't it?

I'm Tom Barnaby.
Can I show you something?

Yes. That's you, isn't it?

And...look. Gary.

No, this one.

Gary. Do you remember Gary?

'So I've asked them to confirm it.'
Really, Jones? Well done.

I knew there'd be something
if we dug deep enough.

OK, leave the photo and the documents
on my desk

and come and get me at Badgers
in an hour's time.

We have to be somewhere
at five o'clock.

I'm just going on a little detour.

Owen.
God almighty, man.

You could have given me
a heart attack. I'm so sorry.

So you should be.

What do you want?
Owen, you taught me three things.

Number one.
Always keep your bloody eyes open.

So when I see a strange white van
lurking about all over the place,

I'm going to trace it back to you,
aren't I, in about ten seconds flat.

And two? Number two.
Never trust a coincidence.

Like you and Hired Gun turning up
at exactly the same time.

Good, good.

Well, I'm glad you were paying
attention.

So, sir, how's it going?

So what else did I always tell you?
Follow the money.

And that's what it is here.
The money!

Gary and the old manager,
Roly Dixon,

screwed Ginger out of his
songwriting royalties.

That's not my information.
Hear me out.

The band all hated Ginger
cos he was such a head case,

so Gary had a good excuse
to fire him.

Ginger fakes the quarry accident.

Leaves his own blood on the vehicle.
An awful lot of his own blood.

Yeah, so people think he got out of
the wreck, badly injured,

crawled off and died somewhere,

and the stupid police
couldn't find the body.

But actually he went into hiding

and he's now come back
and is having his revenge

by killing them all off one by one.

And now DI Owen Jenkins is going
to nail that bastard

and show the world I was as good
as I always said I was.

Oh, Owen... You think I'm nuts?
No, no, I don't think you're nuts.

I think that you...you have faith.
Faith?

The thing that helps you make the
quantum leap from facts to fiction.

Facts. Oh, I'll show you facts,
boyo.

Just you watch me.

Do you want to know what Jones
has got? Later.

I've been 30 years waiting for this.

This way.

CLINKING OF SNOOKER BALLS

Everybody, this is
Detective Inspector Jenkins

who was in charge of the -
Yeah, we know. We were there.

Here, if it's not the ghost of
failures past!

How's it going, Mr Jenks?

Oh, what a good memory.
Still as useless as ever?

Well, if you must know, Mr Cooper,

Mr McKinley,
I think I might have solved it.

Solved what? The disappearance of
the rock legend himself.

I know...where Ginger is.
For God's sake!

Is he alive?

Oh, yes. Very much so.

See!

In fact, he's not very far from
here.

Come on. Stop jerking us about.

Mr Hobson, would you mind
sitting down, please?

Owen!
Not now!

What the hell are you doing?
Exposing you for who you really are.

Welcome back, Mr Ginger Foxton!

Well, am I right or am I right?

That ain't Ginge.
Yes, it is.

Nah. Vague similarity, but -
It's him.

Look at the hair. Right colour.

Look at the eyes, you dipstick.
Wrong colour.

Contact lenses.
(GIGGLES)

I am right. It all adds up.
I've been watching you.

I saw you skinning that rabbit!

Owen. Sir...

Sir, you are almost right.

What?
Mr Hobson is not Ginger Foxton.

But he is...Ginger's brother.

- What?
- Get out of here.

James Hobson was James Foxton.

He changed his name not long after
his famous brother disappeared.

Aye, come on, man. Enlighten us.

Gary, Mr Hobson has not only taken
over the entire running of your life,

he has also induced in you a state
of extreme paranoia and dependency.

What are you talking about?

The Ginger tape.
I wonder where that came from, eh?

The slaughtered sheep, the gutted
pig, the skinned rabbit. Hm?

But why?
Control, Gary, that's why. Control.

Create enough fear

and offer salvation

and you have the soul of your man
in the palm of your hand, don't you?

And then of course...there was
Mr Hobson's niece.

Don't leave now, miss.

Niece?

Niece, Gary.

Causton High School leavers.

Look, there's your Serena,
fourth row back, see?

But what was the name of that girl?
Was it Serena Stanton?

Well, no, apparently not,

because the headmistress says that
that was Phoebe Foxton.

- Little Phoebe?
- Ginger's wee Phoebe!

And what was she after, I wonder?

I presume her rightful inheritance

which you so kindly
have spent for her. Right.

But I didn't know.
You went off with your mum.

We forgot about you.
Wasn't that handy?

Well, I'd have helped.
I'd have done anything.

And you, Jim, why all this?
I don't get it.

You killed my brother!
I never touched him!

You chucked him out the band.
That was his life!

I was with him the day it happened.

Slow down!

I tried to stop him.

(SCREAMS)

I pulled him out the wreckage.

He was already dead.

I buried him a hundred miles away.

I loved my brother.

But why Mimi? Why Axe? Why Nicky?

Sir?

Oh, yes...

Er, gentlemen, there will now be
a short intermission,

but I'll be back.

Owen, um, shall we?

Are you sure you don't want
to come along?

No, no, no. It's...

No, it's your case. You carry on.

I'm retired now.

See you.

Thanks for your help, sir.

Aren't we in a hurry, sir?
Yes and no.

Do you want to tell me
what we're doing?

Another thing Owen taught me.

Never expose yourself until you've
confirmed the relative positions

of your arse and your elbow...
Right.

We'll be fine now.
Call if you need me.

Thank you.

Ingrid? It's me again. Tom Barnaby.

And this is Ben Jones.
H...

The synapses... The little bridges
that connect the important parts
of the brain.

Very few are still standing.

Now, Ingrid, we're going to be behind
those screens just over there,

all right?

OK, Jones.

(HUMS THE BLUES)

In there.

(WHISTLES BLUES TUNE THROUGH TEETH)

That's really irritating, sir.
Yeah, yeah, I know.

Years of practice.

What are we waiting for?

Five o'clock. Visiting time.

It's two minutes past.
Shh.

MAN WHISTLES, DOOR BANGS

Mummy?

How lovely to see you!

(KISSES MOTHER)

No!

I made you another dolly.

Mr McKinley?

How the hell did you get here?

Maybe we should step outside
for a moment.

Daddy?

I'm just going outside for a second,
pet.

(You stay with your mum, OK?)

'It's all too much, isn't it?'

I tried looking after her
on the farm, but...

..she just drifted
further and further away.

So the Axeman broke the cardinal rule
of rock and roll, eh?

Fell in love with a groupie.

Yeah.

Man, she was beautiful.

So very, very beautiful.

Yeah, but before she got round
to you, she'd already been damaged,
hadn't she?

By your "friends".

Gary had dumped her.

Mimi had got her onto acid.

Nicky had got her onto
even harder stuff.

And then you came along.

I loved her, man.

Yeah, and you stuck with her,
didn't you?

You cleaned her up.
And she had your child.

It was fine...

Then Willow started to...

..lose the plot.

Ingers blamed herself and her drugs.

So she retreated somewhere

where they wouldn't point
the finger.

So, here you are,

the two people you love most in
the world irreparably damaged, eh?

See...

there has to be...
some sort of retribution.

(SOBS) Because...if there isn't,

none of thos - nothing -
makes any sense!

Now, you know that

because you're one of us.
No, no, no, I'm not.

I'm just a copper, plain and simple,
whatever I may wish.

And you, sir, are a murderer,

equally plain and simple.

You planned it meticulously.

'You installed the wiring
the night before.

You connected the wire
to the mike stand

just before the set started

and then you triggered
the electric current by stamping on
your wah wah pedal.'

♪ Got nothing to lose
Sing the doll house blues with me

♪ Well, yay yay yay yay...

♪ Waaaargh...

Somebody get an ambulance!

'And in the ensuing confusion,

you disappeared the wire.'

Then to deflect suspicion,
you pulled the bike stunt.

(SCREAMS) Daddy!

So, please, could you get this bloke
before he gets us?

I should have been onto that.
You were, weren't you?

But I had a naively idealistic view
of musicians.

And then...there was Nicky.

'It's all too easy, really.

Nicky in his last pool.'

You don't change.

None of us do.

'And then you concoct an alibi
as sublime as it is malevolent.'

Daddy?

Can I get in with you?

It's only your Auntie Jean.

And Gary...

What suitable solution
did you have lined up for him, eh?

A stonking great drug overdose, man.
(CHUCKLES)

Boy, that would have ruined
his goody-two-shoes image

as well as killing the bastard.

Hey, come on. They deserve it.

They crash through life destroying
people they don't even notice,

they don't even care.

Like you don't care.

Morality, redemption...

Nah, not on your beat, huh?

Not on your beat.

Shall we go?

♪ Under the bramble bush
There was a... (HUMS)

♪ Doll's House Blues

Hello, Midsomer!

♪ Do the doll house blues!

♪ Let's do the doll house blues

♪ Yeah,
let's do the doll house blues

♪ The doll house blues with me,
yeah ♪

Give me a drink, will you?

ITFC Subtitles NIGEL DAVISON