Miami Vice (1984–1989): Season 5, Episode 12 - Jack of All Trades - full transcript

(PANTING)

Oh!

Hey!

Excuse me.

(SCREAMS)

Watch out!

You crazy?

Yes, yes...

Hi, may I help you?

(STUTTERING) Yeah...
Yeah, I'm in
a bit of a hurry.

I'm being honored tonight
by the Pan-African Congress
for my work with leprosy



and I don't have
a thing to wear.

Changing booth's
right over there.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, this bozo just didn't
evaporate into thin air.
Check this place again.

How's it going in there, sir?

These slacks
are a little snug,

but why don't you
ring this stuff up?

(BEEPS)

Eddie,
what's a Code 19?

What? Let me see that.

Well. Mr. Plastic Fantastic,
huh?

Excuse us.

I don't think you understand
what I'm trying to tell you.

My mission is vital
to national security,



I'm working deep cover.

For whom?

Ask me no questions,

I'll tell you no lies.

Call Dan Quayle,
he'll vouch for me.

Give it a rest, pal.

Okay, you leave me
no alternative.

You've put me in a position
where I'm forced to reveal
highly sensitive,

classified information.

What's this?

My FBI contact.

What?

You gotta be kidding.

He's insane.

No, I am not his FBI contact.

Yes, I am a detective.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Yeah, all right.
Well, I'll be there
when I get there.

All right, bye.

Somebody pulling your chain?

Ripley would not believe
this one.

Some joker that they arrested
on Miami Beach for shoplifting
told them that he was working

undercover and that
I was his FBI contact.

(LAUGHING)
That's pretty inventive.
I give that one an eight.

Let's take a ride.

I got just
two words for you.

Oh, yeah?
What are they?

Star Wars.

Star Wars?

Stolen secrets.

JACK: You think I'm kidding?

You got any ideas about
who this turkey really is?

He insists he's working
with you, undercover.

JACK: The Russkies have put up
a nuclear net and...

Our bombs
are bouncing back on us.

You'll think twice
about keeping me
from my appointments.

DETECTIVE: Oh, yeah,
I'll be all broke up,
and feeling like a traitor.

You know this guy?

I've never seen him before
in my life.

(LAUGHING) Hey, cuz.

Cuz?

I don't care if this dude
is the Pope's cousin.

I'm taking this one
to the wall.

Now, if he wants a jury trial,
fine, let's do it.

But, uh-uh,
no way I am gonna
let this guy walk!

Hey, do you have any idea how
much stolen inventory
I have to account for

in any given year, huh?

Christ, it would
boggle your mind!

We're real sorry
this had to happen, Eddie.

You're sorry, huh?

Well, listen, sorry ain't
gonna get it, my friend.

I am gonna see
justice prevail!

Well, that's your right
as a citizen, Ed.

(CHUCKLES)

But I'd go easy on the outrage
if I were you, uh...

Eddie Abbott,
alias Eddie Gomez,
alias Eddie Gilbert,

alias Gilbert Tobias.

What the hell is it this week,
Eddie Rabbit?

What...

At 18 you did two-to-five
for armed robbery.

Twenty-two, another deuce
for extortion.

And last year you were booked
for suspicion of
trafficking stolen property.

Yeah, so what...

(CLICKING TONGUE)
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Do you know what this is?

What?

Looks like
a search warrant.

Good for you.
Bad for you.

They faxed this over
from downtown
along with your record.

Look, maybe I'm being
a little hasty here, huh?

Okay. After all,
it ain't my store, right?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Well, I'll see you.

So how come
you never talk about him?

Do you ever talk
about dandruff?

The man's embarrassing.

He's one step ahead
of his creditors,
he'd cheat on a blood test.

Your cousin's got
an active imagination.

You are lucky, Jack.

He's gonna
drop the charges.

Great!

But I wasn't worried,
not with my cuz on the case.

My blood!

What're you doing here, Jack?

Been here a couple of weeks,
checking out
new career opportunities.

Oh, yeah?

I thought you were gonna
seek your fortune out west.

You mean the dude-nude ranch?

Yeah.

A concept
way ahead of its time.

I'm playing other angles now.

What is it this time?
Velcro toupees?

Or cut-rate trips
to the Holy Land?

Hey, that's ancient history.

You live and learn, Sonny.
Live and learn.

Yeah, well you got the live
part down, Jack.

Well, hey, hey, I'm...

You don't even know me
any more, Sonny.

You can't even see
that I've changed.

That little fandango today,
that's the last.

From now on
it's a new deal.

Trust me.

I got a job. A real job with
tremendous growth potential.

Oh, yeah, doing what?

Sales.

(LAUGHS)

"Captain Mike's
World o' Waves"?

Pool deals so good
you can't afford not to buy.

Oh, yeah, this I gotta see.

My friend,
what more can I tell you?

This Sea-O-Vac will clean
the pants off any pool cleaner
on the market.

It's got a patented process,
15-foot extendo-hose,

saving the best
for the last here.

Water-cooled nelds.

What are nelds?

You gotta ask?

Home and Garden,
spring issue, 1983,

what separates the men
from the boys

in the world
of high-performance
pool cleaners

is Sea-O-Vac's water-cooled
neld thrusters. Huh?

The pool enhancement
cleaning system of the future.

I never heard
of no nelds, man.
You're hustling me.

Miguel.
Go with this a second.

Suck.
Huh?

The pool.
Oh.

(WHIRRING)

Works good, huh?

Works all right.

Just all right? Come on,
hey, look, you put on
this other head...

Where's my assistant?

If you could keep up your end,
Mr. Crockett, please?

The Rug-O-Vac head, please.

Thank you.

Check this out, Miguel,
it's like a pool cleaner
and rug cleaner all in one.

Two utensils
for the price of one.
It's a steal!

You're a master
of understatement.

Come on into my office.

You don't mind if
I take my break now do you?
I'm a little overdue.

Take five. Take ten.

What a guy.

Let's get this paperwork
out of the way.

Bottom line
on the Deluxe Sea-O-Vac.

Too much.

You tell me. What's fair?

No way.

Okay, okay.

Cash?
Cash.

Let me talk to my boss.

One Mississippi,
two Mississippi,
three Mississippi...

Water-cooled nelds, Jack?

Would you give me a break?

Have you ever heard of the
Consumer Protection Agency,
Jack?

Sonny, shh.
You'll interrupt my count.

Six Mississippi,
seven Mississippi...

Who the hell is this
Captain Mike, anyway?

Very dynamic guy,

got a whole
other way of being.
I met him in Georgia.

Nine Mississippi,
ten Mississippi...

Oh, yeah?
You and Mike close?

Oh, yeah.
We shared a cell together.

You think he's ready?

Kid, I went to the mat
with the boss on this,
and I just want to say,

you got yourself a deal
'cause it's the last one
in stock.

All right!

And even though your savings
are coming out of
my commission, enjoy yourself.

Now, about that cash.

You take Cuban money?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

MAN: Yes. Who is it?
Jack Crockett, Captain Mike's.

Not too often
I make house calls.

But then again,
we don't get
too many customers

threatening to
torch our store.

You know, I don't understand.
You running a game on me?

I sent my boy
to buy a pool cleaner

and you sell him
that piece of garbage!

Hey, he begged me
to sell it to him.

I tried to tell him Sea-O-Vac
is one of our loss leaders.

But his heart was set, hey?

Just give us the money back,
all right?

I don't...
I don't know you didn't
bust it yourself.

Captain Mike personally
checks out every last one
of these babies.

That right?

MAN: Shipment's in.

I gotta go.

We just got
our patio furniture in.

Hey, let me
send you out a new one.

I ain't got time for this,
cockroach!

You gonna make it right,
or do I gotta get physical,
huh?

Take a check?

Captain Mike wants
all his customers to be happy.

Miguel, cash!

Yeah.

(MAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Come on. Let's move.

Can I help you?

Greetings!

Jackie, Jackie,
why you making this so hard?

You're into me
for sizable bucks.

Hold it, Harry. You knew
the risks. It's not my fault

the restaurant went under.
Kosher Chinese
is very big out west.

You know, you're a nice guy.

I'm a nice guy, too.
But you know my motto,
"Be nice for money."

Now, you owe me 50 Gs
and I want it.

And I'm tired of chasing after
you to get it.

Look, Harry,
I just need
a little space.

Hey, hey, hey,
you remember that weekend
at Bear Mountain, huh?

We had those
two stews from Finland?

We had them
wearing ski goggles,
tied up in toggle ropes.

Boy, that was
some good trouble, huh?

Yeah, yeah, kid.
But you know what I remember?

I remember the black bear
chasing me down the ski slope

while you were
in the ski lodge
jamming with Olga.

That's how it is
with you, kid.

You have all the fun
and someone else
picks up the dues.

No more.

You owe me 50 Gs
and I want it.

I don't care
where you get it or how.

Just get it.

You know,
you're much too sweet a guy
to whack.

But if I don't have it
in 24 hours,

guess what?

Miguelito, that you?

Stuff it.

Hey, whoever you are,
either you lost your way
to Epcot,

or else you're very stupid.

Fill her up.
Leaded or unleaded.
It's up to you.

Now don't try
anything stupid.

JACK: Oh, man,
there's Sonny's car.
What's he doing here?

Great timing.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, cuz.

Hiya, cuz.

Where do you come off
affording a joint like this?

Well, I'm staying
with friends.
What are you doing here?

Well, I... Hell, you're family
and I don't get to spend
much time with you.

I thought I'd come over and
rekindle the familial spirit.

Yeah. That's great.
But you should've called
first.

I'm kind of pressed for time.
I got a date.

Oh, you got a date?

With who?

(STAMMERING) June.
Her name's June.

June who?

June Porch Alini.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

And just exactly
what does this dame do?

This Italian princess that
you pick her up after 10:00?

Well, we gotta go out late,
'cause she's in surgery.

Surgery?
You gonna unlock the door?

Yeah, you know what I mean.
I mean, she's in brain surgery

as a nurse.

Look at that,
I left it open.

But, you know, you're right.
I ought to give her a call.

Just make yourself
comfortable.

Oh, I'm sorry, June.

Yeah, oh, well let's do it
another night. Another night.

Yeah...

(CHUCKLES)

Ah, yes.

Oh, he lost all motor control?
That's just terrible, honey.

That's terrible.
Sense of smell, too, huh?

Oh, well, you know,
a lot of people get along
without a sense of smell.

Okay, okay, kiss, kiss.
Bye!

Nice house, Jack.

How come
all the furniture's covered?

Oh, bugs.
Moths, actually...

Upholstery moths.
You know, they're indigenous
to Florida.

Moths. Bugs, huh?

That the fridge?
Oh, hey, let me.

I mean, you're my guest.

God, this is flat.

How about...
Let me get another one.

No, let me. Let me.

Whoops! Here you go.

(PHONE RINGING)

You gonna get it, Jack?

Maybe your date got loose.

Right. Hello.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
he's right here.

It's for you.

Yeah, Crockett here.

What? You're kidding me.

Oh, my God. All right.

Well, don't start the party
without me. I'm on my way.

Well, you're not gonna
believe this one.

We just got a tip that
some whacko in a mouse mask

just took off a major dealer
down here for 50,000 large.

Can you believe
someone would be that stupid?

50,000? Really?

Some heist.

Yeah, yeah,
put this back on ice.
I gotta go run it down.

Hey, hey, Sonny.

I'm really glad you came by.

You might try
an exterminator, Jack.

For the moths.

Oh, yeah. Right, yeah.

Fifty grand. It's all here!

You're surprised, Harry?
Why, you know I'm a man
of my word.

Yeah, but your word's
usually bull.

That's the dif
between you and me.

Faith. You got no faith.

Hey, what do you call it when
you had a half-a-mil of your
own money on the street?

I'm gonna tell you something,
you run juice,
you gotta have faith.

Yeah, but you didn't have
faith in our restaurant.

Not that I'll hold that
against you.

"Dare to dream."
That's my motto.

Oh, yeah? "Stiff me and die,"
that's mine.

I'll tell you something,
I like you, kid.

But when it comes to
doing business,
we should just say no.

Hey, what the...

All right.
Let's get out of here.

You're a scary dude,
know that?

You sell my kid a lemon,
you come into my house
with a mouse mask and a gun

and you take my money.

The man who does that
is not afraid to die.

And if you're not
afraid of death,
that makes you scary.

I'm afraid to die.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Don't insult me,
all right?

You're wearing
the same dumb pink shoes.

You want me
to bust into your house
and find the mask, too?

That money, it was drug money.

You gonna turn me in?

Yeah.

Look, Johnny Law,
I not worried about that.

That money is not mine.
I lease it.

From Se?or Escandero.

You got a big mouth.

But if I were you,
that's who I'd worry about.

Escandero?

That right.

Yeah.
I can understand him
wanting his money back.

Twenty-four hour.

Smart guy with the pink shoes.

Wait till Escandero gets
a hold of him, huh?

Yeah, and I told this guy,
"Hey, who do you think
you're talking to?"

Hey, now,
it's the entrepreneur.

Harry, you and me,
we gotta have a talk.
In private.

Excuse me, will you? You know,
one look at you, it tells me
this is gonna be no good.

It just so happens,
this is your lucky day.

Have I got an idea?
Can't miss. You ready?

Jack, Jackie!
No, look,

"Handbag City."
What do you say?

How's what?
What kind of lame...

I'm talking animal skins.
Throw-away animal skins.
It's perfect.

Look, you got
your snake skins,
your lizards, your geckos.

You think environmentalists
are gonna raise a stink
about a gecko bag?

Everybody wants animal skins.
What do you say?

I think you're whacked.
This is stinkola.

Oh, come on, Harry.
Where's your vision?

Jackie, say good night, huh?

Okay, okay, look, look.

Harry, I need the money.

(LAUGHING) And now
the truth comes out, huh? Huh?

How much?
Fifty yards.

Fifty yards? Huh?
Just the amount
you borrowed before

and by some miracle
I got it back.

You think I'm so lame
I'm gonna give it
to you again, huh?

Because if you do,
you're nuts, man!

Harry! I don't have time
for you to editorialize!

I gotta have it!
They're gonna kill me!

All right. All right.

No sign
of your cousin yet, Sonny?

No, no. He's never been known
for his punctuality, anyway.

That jerk.

(GRUNTS)

I wanted so much to meet you.

Sir Escandero?

Good guess.

And you're the man with
the glandular problem, huh?

The one with big stones.

I'm just an average guy.
Very average.

The man who would rob me

and then pay me back
with counterfeit money.

Money I myself printed
only a few weeks ago.

Counterfeit money?
I didn't know that.

Oh.

Kill him.

Wait!

You'll never get your money.

My friend,
the money doesn't concern me.
It ebbs and flows.

No, I am a man of principle
and I don't like to be
taken advantage of.

I can get your money
in an hour!

You know,
I do not like sniveling,

but your plight intrigues me.

Well, what the hell
is one hour to me
one way or the other, huh?

$50,000 or a man's life?

Oh, the possibilities
are interesting.

You won't be sorry.

I want to see
what he comes up with.

But I want Julio and Martin
to accompany you.

There, there, that's the guy.
Pull over.

Hold on,
I'll just be a minute.

Call him.

(STUTTERING) Yeah,
but I gotta go...

Verbalize or die, pal.

Don't make no dif to me.

Yo, Sonny!
Can you come over
here a minute?

Oh, Jack, I don't like this.
Uh-uh.

Hey, Jack.
How you doing?

You're a little late,
aren't you? I guess
you got detained, huh?

Yeah, detained.

Yeah.

Hi, hi, guys.
How you doing? Boy,
what a nice car. Golly!

Can I take a look in here?
Boy, that is really nice.
Oh, damn!

Oh, sorry. Now! Come on!
Come on! Come on!

Go, go, go, go.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

A few laughs,
a couple of drinks, hey, cuz?

I have no idea what happened.
I was walking along,
minding my own business,

these two guys grabbed me.

You know, I've read stories
about Miami being
the murder capital of America,

now, wasn't thinking
I was ever gonna
end up being a statistic.

So it's gonna be
one of those Academy Award
winning lies, eh, Jack?

Jack, Jack, Jack,
when are you ever gonna learn
to play it straight with me?

Oh, for God's sake, Sonny,
you never ever believe me.

Well, that's because
you never tell
the truth, Jack!

But you're gonna
tell me the truth this time,

or I'm gonna beat
the living crap
right out of you.

All right! All right!
All right!

I borrowed some money
from some guy, and
he thinks I ripped him off.

How much?

Fifty K.

Who'd you borrow
the bread from?

A guy,
he's just a guy.

Oh, just a guy, just a guy.
A guy who hires guys
who almost kill us!

You're gonna
answer me right now, Jack.

That's you, Sonny,
that's you, Sonny, always
quick on the trigger, huh?

Never give a guy a break
when you can use some muscle.

A little muscle just saved
your worthless life, cuz!

You hate me.

Oh, God, Jack,

for Christ's sake,
no, I don't hate you.

Yeah, yeah, you do.
Yeah, you do.

I don't blame you.

Always the jerk
to screw up in school, me.

You were golden boy.

Yeah. Football star,
war hero, cop.

I'm nothing to you.

Jack.

Jack, you remember
that old Indian bike you had?

Sure.

Four cylinder job,
the big spider decal.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was some bike.

Man, the way you used to
ride that bike.

You were like Brando
in The Wild One.

I thought you were
the coolest guy in town.

I wanted to be just like you.

You know what, Jack?

You would never
take me on that bike.

Never.

And it's the same now.

I didn't wanna
influence you, Sonny.

You were a good kid, a star.

Anybody could see that.

Me, I was
just like my old man.

Drunk.

Loser.

I didn't wanna
contaminate you, Sonny.

Is that true, Jack?

Yeah. It's the only true thing
I've ever said in my life.

Sonny, this money thing.
It's just something I got in
over my head. That's all.

(SIGHING) Well.

We'll fix it.
Hell, you're family.

Well, first thing
I got to know is
who these guys work for.

Just some thug,
a weirdo.

A name, Jack.
I need a name.

Escandero.

Octavio Escandero?

SONNY: Now, when we go
in there I want you to
just follow my lead.

JACK: Can I improvise?

Jack, stick to the script
or I'll shoot you myself.

You see, I understand
the situation perfectly,
Mr. Escandero.

That's why
when Jack came to me,
I came directly to you.

Do you have any idea
what it's like to be
burdened with this idiot?

Yes. I see.

All because my poor dead aunt
made me promise that
I'd keep an eye on him.

I'm sorry, Sonny.
I failed the family.

You're sorry?

You make mala figura
with my new friends, here.

You embarrass me in front of
a man like Mr. Escandero.

And you think
"I'm sorry" is enough?

Well, I can see that
you're a man of principle,
Mr. Burnett.

It's too bad such ideals
aren't shared genetic traits.

I'll do better, Mr. E.
I promise.
I'll be more disciplined.

Shut up.

Believe me, you'll receive
all the discipline you need
if you don't return my money.

Now, Mr. Escandero,
I want you to know

I've got something serious
working on a couple of fronts,

and you're gonna
get your money.
You can believe me.

I believe you, Mr. Burnett.
You seem to be a man of honor.

Oh, he's honest.

You talk way too much.

Dumb people should not speak.

You know,
you can learn a great deal
from this man, Jack.

A great deal.

You know, I was wondering,
Mr. Escandero,
since I'm in the neighborhood,

maybe I could do
a little shopping.

Exactly what kind of shopping
were you talking about,
Mr. Burnett?

Oh, well, say,
something in
recreational pharmaceuticals.

Nickels and dimes
don't interest me.

Ah, yes. Well, not even
if they're followed by,
say, five or six zeros?

You know, P.T. Barnum
was right. We got him, Sonny.

You out of your mind, Jack?
Escandero is no sucker. Let me
tell you, he's a killer.

He'd just as soon shoot you
as look at you.

That's why we got to
make the set up tight.

We'll nail him.
Wait, you'll see.
We'll nail this bozo, cuz.

You and me make a hot team,
don't we?

My God. You been reading
too many comic books.

Black Jack.
What're you gonna have?

Turkey.

Figures.

Oh, come on, come on, Sonny.
Admit it. I was pretty good,
wasn't I?

All right. For a civilian,
you did okay.

Hey, maybe I should be a cop.

Better yet, you and me
go into business together.

"Crockett and Crockett,
Private I's!"

You better make that a double.

Harry, you did a number on me.
That wasn't right.

I did a number on you?
Get real, kid.

You passed me funny money.

It screwed me up with
a really important guy
who could've killed me.

Hey, that's not my problem.

You don't pay me back,
that's still not my problem.

But I'm not gonna take a roust
from a bust-out like you.

Harry, we were friends.

Past tense is perfect.

You piece of garbage.

You're finished, Harry,
only you don't know it yet.

Oh, yeah?
What're you gonna do?
Call a cop?

That's right. That's right.
That's what I'm gonna do.

And it just so happens
he's my cousin.

One of Miami's finest!
Wise-ass!

I never touch cash,
personally.

So, tell me,
when do I get delivery?

Soon, Mr. Grubbs.
Very, very soon.

Looks like
the two hundred's all here.

So, tell me, Mr. Grubbs,
what do you intend to
do with the money?

I'm not gonna pass it
in Miami, if that's
what's bothering you.

Maybe a little juice,
but I'm thinking of opening up

one of them, you know,
what do they call it?

Dutch Antilles
loan-out corporations?

I'll tell you why
I ask, Mr. Grubbs.

I was just
on the receiving end
of a not-so-funny joke.

Somebody owed me money,
and what I received back
was my own issue.

Hey, tell me,
what did this guy look like?

Short, scrawny guy.
But incredibly hopeless
in his criminal pursuits.

His name Jack, by chance?

What if it is?

I'll tell you what if it is.
His cousin's heat.

Don't get any ideas.
This is flush money
for Escandero.

Kind of like,
"You show me yours,
I'll show you mine."

Sonny, I may bend the law
a little north and south
now and then,

but when it comes to
my country, one thing I'm not
is a quisling.

A what?

A quisling.

I'll take your word for it.
I gotta let Switek know
what we're doing.

Please go with me.

(ESCANDERO EXCLAIMS)

ESCANDERO: A family reunion,
how touching.

Not a particularly good way
to endear yourselves
to your customers.

O, what a tangled web
we weave

When first we practice
to deceive!

Are you familiar
with the immortal Bard?

Okay. What's the game?

It's no game. No game today.
No, it's been called
on account of heat.

I know you're a cop, Burnett.

Or should I say, Crockett.

And you.

Oh, you should be ashamed
to mire your cousin
in such a mess.

Mr. Soliz.

Oh, it's my fault.

Don't worry about it.

We don't really have the time
to tally up the bone-headed
plays you've made.

(SIGHING) It's my fault.
I shouldn't have gotten you
into this and I know better.

Well,
this guy's gonna kill us.

Unless we figure
a way out of here.

I can't figure out
how he made me.

Well, I think I know.

What?

Well, there's this guy,
Grubbs, see,
and I guess I kind of...

I guess he does business
with Escandero and I...

What're you saying, Jack?

Well, hell, Sonny,
I'm really proud
you're a cop, and I...

You blew my cover?

Fifty grand.
That ain't bad.

SONNY: I'll kill you!

(GLASS BREAKING)

A family feud,
how touching.

Martin, go break them up
before they kill each other.

Yeah. Why should they
spoil my fun, huh?

I'm gonna kill you.

MAN: Knock it off!

Freeze!

Where is he?

MAN: The post.
Behind the post!

(GRUNTS)

Escandero, freeze!

You okay?

Yeah. Never better.

Where's your cousin?

Jack?

Damn!

(BOAT ENGINE REVVING)

How much he get?

Fifty K.

That's department issue.
We'd better nail him.

Nope.

I don't ever want to
see Jack Crockett again
as long as I live.

In this life or any other.

But what about the cash?

Yeah,
fifty K's a lot of money.

But he won't get far.

It's counterfeit.