Medical Police (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Deuce to Nines, Double Draw - full transcript
[panting]
[dramatic music playing]
- Whoo! [chuckles]
- Whoo!
Good foot race.
I love foot racing with you.
- 'Cause we're both so fast.
- I'm so fast.
[Owen sighs]
Hey, we should probably go check in.
Our flight home is in an hour.
- [phone chimes]
- Yeah.
Oh, crap.
What's wrong?
Cat is performing live
on Break a Leg tonight,
and I told her I would be there.
[groans] Well, look on the bright side.
[airplane whirs overhead]
- [softly] Okay.
- [phone beeps, dials]
[man] Let's clear the stage, people.
Audience is coming in.
Hello? Lola? Hey, are you almost here?
[exhales] Oh, Cat, you're gonna kill me.
Um, I'm not gonna make it.
What?
I was counting on you to be here.
I need your support.
I know, I know.
And I'm so sorry, but I mean,
if it makes you feel any better,
I did stop a terror plot
and save thousands of lives.
It's always about you, isn't it?
And the terror plots that you solve.
You know what? I gotta go.
Thanks for nearly nothing.
[bell rings]
[man on PA]
All acts, 5 minutes to broadcast.
Focus, Cat.
You've worked too hard for this.
I...
Hey, last one on the plane
is a rotting egg.
- Okay.
- [phone beeps]
[Owen] Wait a second.
It's Neri's phone.
Oh, my God.
Someone sent a text message.
- Quick, face me.
- Right.
Okay.
[Owen] So, a guy named Nikolai
sent a text from Latvia.
- How do you know it's from Latvia?
- You don't remember the Country Code song
from elementary school?
♪ Oh-one is the US, 44's the UK ♪
♪ Fifty-two is Mexico, and 371 is Latvia ♪
Right. Let's call Director Patten.
[phone rings]
- Patten.
- [Lola] Hi. Yeah,
it's Lola and Owen again.
I... Look, I know
that we're supposed to be done,
and we basically pretty much are,
but... a text message
just came in on Neri's phone
from someone in Latvia, and they say
- there's gonna be another attack.
- What?
So, we could go to Latvia
- and we could...
- No.
You two go back home to Brazil.
We can't risk you getting hurt.
We have trained professionals
that'll handle this sort of thing.
No, but, sir, I still think
we could be of some help
- here in this...
- Listen here, lady.
It is time for you
to stop playing pretend cops
and get back to your hospital.
That is an order.
- But, sir, if...
- [line clicks]
Did you tell him I said "hello"?
- No.
- Well, how did it go?
Well, was it the worst
phone call of my life?
Surely not.
But it wasn't great.
He told us to stand down.
- What?
- Yeah.
But we may be the only ones
who can stop this virus.
[man over PA] Now boarding at Gate Three,
flight 101 to Brazil.
That's us.
And at Gate Four, flight 102 to Latvia.
Just pick one and get on board.
The choice is yours.
[orchestral music playing]
You know, I've always wanted an excuse
to come to Riga, Latvia's capital,
set on the Baltic Sea
at the mouth of the River Daugava.
It's considered a cultural center and home
to many museums and concert halls.
The highlight of pedestrian-only
Old Town is bustling Livu Square,
with many modern bars and nightclubs.
Okay, now let's get down to business.
How are we gonna find this Nikolai guy?
Don't worry.
I called a friend.
[horn honks, brakes screech]
Excuse me,
do you know where I could find
some cool, crime-fighting doctors?
[Owen] Thanks for meeting us
last minute, Goldfinch.
- [Lola] Yeah.
- Of course,
it's just a 14-hour drive from Berlin.
Plus, I have the audiobook
of Girl, Interrupted.
By the way, congratulations
on solving that case.
Three-D printers, sneaky stuff.
Thank you,
but we're not out of the woods yet.
We don't know who created the virus,
who ordered the attacks,
and we think another one might be coming.
In fact, we're hoping
you can help us find a man here in Latvia.
This should not be too hard.
Plenty of men here in Latvia.
Tell me about it.
But this one's name is Nikolai.
Could be part of the plot.
- Fucking Nikolai. I should have known.
- So, you've heard of him?
Yes. Nikolai Balodis.
He's infamous black-market dealer.
He's connected to Neri.
- He probably brokered this thing.
- Know where to find him?
I have no idea.
But... my van does.
- Yeah!
- [van beeps]
- [bell rings]
- [man 1] Ten minutes to air. Ten minutes.
[man 2] All right,
coming through, guys. Hold on.
[chuckles]
Hey, Joel McHale.
- It's me, Cat.
- Do we know each other?
We don't really, but I am the woman
that's been texting you
pictures of her cornhole.
- Yes! Cat! Of course!
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry. You never texted
a picture of your face.
I know.
Welcome to my face. [laughs]
Can I just say,
you have a lovely cornhole.
Oh, God, thank you. That's very sweet.
Yeah. I have to run.
I have to go
floss my hair before the show.
Oh, before you go, I was just wondering,
can I invite you
to the electrical room in five minutes?
- So that we can have sex with each other?
- I'd be thrilled to do that.
- Oh, you would?
- Sex is very fun.
- Great.
- See you soon, Cat.
Okay.
What the...
What's that guy doing? He's gonna ruin
my fun sex with Joel McHale.
[door thuds closed]
[clears throat]
Hi. I have this room reserved
starting in five minutes.
Well, I have this gun reserved
starting in now.
You have... Oh.
[Lola] So, if Goldfinch's van was correct,
this should be Nikolai's mother's house.
It's the best lead we've got.
What's with the mittens?
Oh, in Latvia, socks and mittens
are a traditional gift
you give someone when visiting their home.
You could Google it. It's very real.
Oh, I had a babysitter who spoke Latvian.
Let me do the talking.
I'm not fluent, but I can get by.
Fine.
[in Latvian] Who is it?
Hi, Balodis lady-woman.
Nikolai is superfriend!
Please go away.
Nikolai is running with bad wolves.
We are being colleagues unto him...
much like the sun-time
is best for cycling.
There is no Nikolai.
[in English] Wait, please.
[in Latvian] Mittens are with us!
- Mittens!
- Mittens.
Thank you.
Make yourselves at home!
Mittens.
The food is almost ready!
[in English] Remember,
the clock is ticking.
The next attack could happen any second.
But this is Latvia.
Important discussions don't happen
until the guest has a full stomach.
Whatever she brings out,
just eat it quickly,
- and then we can ask questions. Okay.
- [Nikolai's mother murmurs]
Oh.
- [Nikolais' mother speaks in Latvian]
- [Lola] Oh.
[in Latvian] Warm mayo and onion salad.
[Lola, in English]
Ooh, it looks delicious.
Who knew two of my least favorite foods
could smell so good together?
[in Latvian] Eat! Eat!
[both chuckling]
[in English] Okay.
I love it.
What a great combination of flavors.
So, we do have some questions
about Nikolai.
- [bell dings]
- Oh!
[in Latvian] Second course!
[in English] At least there's no water.
[Lola] Oh...
[in Latvian]
Expressed trout glands and cabbaged pork
with blood pancakes and tripe paste.
[in English] Fuck.
I mean, fuck, this looks so good.
- [Lola] Mmm.
- [laughs]
- Mmm.
- Oh. Ah...
[gags]
Mm-mmm.
So, why don't we get down to business?
[in Latvian] Third course!
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Where's she going?
- She's getting another course.
- What?
[indistinct clattering]
[wheels squeaking]
Wow!
A horse head!
[in Latvian] Boiled horse head,
cow lung soup
and a glass of fermented goat piddle.
[in English]
Cool! The teeth are still in there.
[Lola] Mmm!
Okay, we ate all your delicious food.
Now, let's talk.
[in Latvian]
Nikolai's location demands our knowledge.
I worry about Nikolai.
He works with dangerous people,
and he smokes unfiltered cigarettes.
Can you help him?
- [in English]Do we have to eat more horse?
- No.
[in Latvian]
You can probably find him here.
[in English] Okay.
Club Klüb.
Each floor a mix of trance and trip-hop.
Three levels? Sounds like
a club-klüb-club sandwich.
- Nice.
- Thanks.
[in Latvian] Please be careful.
Nikolai can see into people's souls.
People who lie to him have died.
Then we will not lay with him.
I will save in my head
the gift of diarrhea
you have give us in the night.
Thank you.
[in English]
I don't know who you think you are,
but I can tell you that Mr. Joel McHale
is not going to be happy about this.
Well, I hope you're wrong.
I want everyone to be happy.
And the Break a Leg applause meter
will tell us just how happy they are.
Oh, no. The applause meter gauges audience
enthusiasm, not how happy they are.
I mean, really the meter
is what sets the show apart
from all the other
network talent showcases.
It's really kind of like the hook.
You clearly don't understand TV very well.
Perhaps you're right.
I'm more of an internet guy.
I just love it
when something goes... viral.
Viral.
Tubes.
The 3D printer.
The ventilation system. Your gun.
Everything that Lola was saying.
Break a Leg. Cornhole.
Sorry you're gonna "miss" the show.
That's not even a pun though...
[man chuckles]
[faint dance music playing in headphones]
[faint beat playing in headphones]
What's going on?
It's one of those silent discos
where everyone's listening
to the same music on their headphones.
- Yeah, it's...
- [dancer farts]
[farting]
Wow, I guess I never really realized
that people fart so much
while they're dancing.
- [farting]
- [Lola chuckles]
All right, let's stick to the plan.
- I'm gonna go talk to the bartender.
- Okay.
[dancer farts]
Hey, I'll take one of those.
Hey, man, I'm looking for Nikolai.
I don't speak English.
I only know these three sentences.
But that was two sentences.
This is the third one.
Oh, oh! Aw.
I'm so sorry.
I'm such a stupid tourist.
Can I get another one of those?
Excuse me, sorry, can you take off the...
Yeah. Does the name Nikolai
mean anything to you?
Yes, of course.
It's the East Slavic variant of the name
Nicholas, meaning "victory of the people."
- Hey.
- Hey, check this out.
- I threw a little marker on the bartender.
- So smart.
Look, one of these books
must open up a secret door.
I don't know the...
Oh! Huh.
[Owen] Huh.
[Lola] Okay, we're looking for a bald man
who wears all black.
[man speaking indistinctly]
[laughter]
How do we know which one is Nikolai?
Nikolai!
Yes?
I think we found our man.
Remember, we're posing as arms dealers,
we need him to trust us.
Yeah.
Do you know what happens
to trespassers at Club Klüb?
Um... they have to leave?
They get shot.
I wouldn't kill us so fast, Nikolai.
We're friends of Neri's.
Neri sent you?
He said you might be the man to talk to
if we're trying to find something...
difficult.
And what is that?
Weapons-grade plutonium.
Now, what do two nice people like you
need weapons-grade plutonium for?
- That's a good question.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay. One second.
- Motherfucking shit.
- Oh, my God.
- We're fucked. I fucked it all up.
- Stop it.
You stop it.
You're doing great. Just think.
- [whispers] Let's give up.
- Stop it.
What is a weapon even used for?
Oh, an attack.
That's it. Oh, my God, see?
That was great.
Hey, thanks. I think you're great too.
That thing with the mittens, I was like,
- what?
- Really? Oh, my God, thank you.
We need weapons-grade plutonium
for an attark.
- [whispers] Attack.
- Attack.
Your story checks out.
Yeah.
I think I can get you what you need,
but only...
if you beat me at cards.
- I can play cards.
- Okay.
And if you lose,
Ivor...
kills you.
Huh.
The game is...
deuce to nines, double draw.
[knocks]
Cat? Are you in there?
[McHale] The door is locked.
[muffled] Joel!
If you're in there,
the show's about to start,
but we still have time
to squeeze in two or three pumps.
Joel McHale!
Cat?
Joel! Fun sex time!
[man on PA]
One minute to curtain. One minute.
Well, I wanted to have sex with you
because it's fun,
but I have to go host a television show.
Keep that cornhole fit.
[groans]
No!
No fun sex time. No pump.
Okay.
[straining]
Okay, okay.
Um... what?
If you're reading this,
you must have freed yourself, LOL.
Don't bother unplugging the device.
It's set to release the virus
if anyone tampers with it, LOL.
No!
[dramatic orchestral music playing]
Even cards are double tight.
Back to back? Or wall to wall?
Wall to wall. No sunshine.
Now you're speaking my language.
Well played, friend.
Tapping trees.
[gasping]
You should have called a rock limit
on your kangaroo tens.
[chuckling]
Spinning triplets, no stash.
Looks like you'll be
cruising this one off the top.
You're clever. You just burned my blondie.
But how do you know
I don't have a double sidecar?
How do you know I don't have
a dull fun-run Jack-eyed jeweler?
You're bluffing.
I call.
[phone buzzes]
Hey, Cat.
It's not over.
There's gonna be another attack tonight
during the Break a Leg broadcast.
- What? How do you know that?
- Viral. Tubes.
Thee-D printer. Ventilation system.
Cornhole, et cetera.
Can you unplug the printer?
It's booby-trapped. LOL.
Okay, Cat,
you need to stop this attack now!
Got it. When?
Now!
Got it.
[phone beeps]
Offload my bomber.
It's your funeral.
Sixteen ducks.
All in a row.
Quadruple pot squatters
and thigh-high tulips,
on the front side.
[laughter]
This is the end of the game, my friend.
And also the end of you.
Not so fast, Nikolai.
Read 'em and weep.
Two winks,
side by side.
Jeepers and creepers.
You did it!
- [Lola chuckles]
- [Owen panting]
I believe we have
some business to attend to.
I know Neri didn't send you.
I know this because Neri is dead.
- Kill them.
- So the whole card game was pointless?
Why did we play cards?
I had fun, didn't you?
[Owen exclaims]
Owen!
Owen, come on!
[dancers farting]
[Lola] Look, there's Nikolai.
[dancers continue farting]
[tires screeching]
[Owen] Hello again, dirtbag.
This is a really nice van.
[theme music playing]
[female announcer]
Welcome to Break a Leg.
Here's your host, Joel McHale.
[applause]
Hey, everybody!
It's exciting, isn't it?
All right, you guys know the deal.
If you get that applause meter
up to ten...
Oh, shit.
...that performer is going to Vegas!
The printer is rigged
to the applause meter.
[McHale] Oh, you guys
can do better than that, I bet.
This audience is gonna
cheer themselves into the grave.
...a pediatrician from New York City
currently residing in Brazil.
Please give a warm welcome to Cat Black!
[applause]
[jaunty vaudeville tune plays]
Oh, look at her go.
I've got to keep the applause meter low,
because if it goes high and the virus
is released, that would be bad.
[applause dies down]
What the fuck?
I did it. It's working.
I stopped the attack. This is great...
[audience gasps]
Oh, my gosh.
Well, we all sure hope that she is okay.
She is not getting up.
[siren wailing]
Is she... Is she okay?
[man] She's gonna be all right!
[bells ringing]
Wow! Look at that!
Somebody's going to Vegas!
What? Hey!
[screaming]
[coughing]
All right.
We'll be right back. Okay.
We need answers, Nikolai!
Nikolai, give them answers!
How do you know another attack is coming?
Who told you?
- Neri is dead.
- Yeah.
So who's behind this? We want answers!
He will say nothing.
We'll see about that. Lola?
Ow!
I just injected three cc's
of Tractadone into your veins.
You'll be dead in one minute.
I'll keep track of time.
This will reverse it.
So start talking.
No.
[Goldfinch] Forty-six!
Forty-five!
Right now your nervous system
is shutting down.
Thirty-seven! Thirty-six!
That pain that you're feeling right now?
That's the alveoli in your lungs
- collapsing in on themselves.
- Ooh.
Sixteen! Fifteen!
Tell him to stop skipping numbers!
Nine! Eight! Seven!
- Okay, okay. I'll talk. Give me shot.
- Six! Five!
[grunts]
Who's behind the attack?
- I don't know.
- Oh, no?
Okay, okay.
All I know... the creator of the virus
is about to deliver the cure to the buyer.
Why?
Probably to protect themselves
in case the outbreak goes worldwide.
They meet in two days in Shanghai,
4:00 p.m. local time.
Each will be wearing
a red hat to identify themselves.
Okay, okay. Well, that's perfect.
We go to Shanghai, we arrest the bad guys,
and we get the cure.
So, I'm free to go?
Well...
[muffled grunting]
Bye, Goldfinch!
Always great to see you guys.
So tell me more about Riga.
[Lola] Oh, well, Riga's historical center
is a UNESCO World Heritage Site,
noted for its art nouveau architecture.
[reporter 1]
And now a breaking news special report.
[reporter 2] Thousands of audience members
at tonight's Break a Leg show
were exposed to what appears to be
the São Paulo virus.
Authorities were unable
to contain the outbreak.
The virus has begun
to spread out of control.
It's pretty fucked up.
[dramatic music playing]
- Whoo! [chuckles]
- Whoo!
Good foot race.
I love foot racing with you.
- 'Cause we're both so fast.
- I'm so fast.
[Owen sighs]
Hey, we should probably go check in.
Our flight home is in an hour.
- [phone chimes]
- Yeah.
Oh, crap.
What's wrong?
Cat is performing live
on Break a Leg tonight,
and I told her I would be there.
[groans] Well, look on the bright side.
[airplane whirs overhead]
- [softly] Okay.
- [phone beeps, dials]
[man] Let's clear the stage, people.
Audience is coming in.
Hello? Lola? Hey, are you almost here?
[exhales] Oh, Cat, you're gonna kill me.
Um, I'm not gonna make it.
What?
I was counting on you to be here.
I need your support.
I know, I know.
And I'm so sorry, but I mean,
if it makes you feel any better,
I did stop a terror plot
and save thousands of lives.
It's always about you, isn't it?
And the terror plots that you solve.
You know what? I gotta go.
Thanks for nearly nothing.
[bell rings]
[man on PA]
All acts, 5 minutes to broadcast.
Focus, Cat.
You've worked too hard for this.
I...
Hey, last one on the plane
is a rotting egg.
- Okay.
- [phone beeps]
[Owen] Wait a second.
It's Neri's phone.
Oh, my God.
Someone sent a text message.
- Quick, face me.
- Right.
Okay.
[Owen] So, a guy named Nikolai
sent a text from Latvia.
- How do you know it's from Latvia?
- You don't remember the Country Code song
from elementary school?
♪ Oh-one is the US, 44's the UK ♪
♪ Fifty-two is Mexico, and 371 is Latvia ♪
Right. Let's call Director Patten.
[phone rings]
- Patten.
- [Lola] Hi. Yeah,
it's Lola and Owen again.
I... Look, I know
that we're supposed to be done,
and we basically pretty much are,
but... a text message
just came in on Neri's phone
from someone in Latvia, and they say
- there's gonna be another attack.
- What?
So, we could go to Latvia
- and we could...
- No.
You two go back home to Brazil.
We can't risk you getting hurt.
We have trained professionals
that'll handle this sort of thing.
No, but, sir, I still think
we could be of some help
- here in this...
- Listen here, lady.
It is time for you
to stop playing pretend cops
and get back to your hospital.
That is an order.
- But, sir, if...
- [line clicks]
Did you tell him I said "hello"?
- No.
- Well, how did it go?
Well, was it the worst
phone call of my life?
Surely not.
But it wasn't great.
He told us to stand down.
- What?
- Yeah.
But we may be the only ones
who can stop this virus.
[man over PA] Now boarding at Gate Three,
flight 101 to Brazil.
That's us.
And at Gate Four, flight 102 to Latvia.
Just pick one and get on board.
The choice is yours.
[orchestral music playing]
You know, I've always wanted an excuse
to come to Riga, Latvia's capital,
set on the Baltic Sea
at the mouth of the River Daugava.
It's considered a cultural center and home
to many museums and concert halls.
The highlight of pedestrian-only
Old Town is bustling Livu Square,
with many modern bars and nightclubs.
Okay, now let's get down to business.
How are we gonna find this Nikolai guy?
Don't worry.
I called a friend.
[horn honks, brakes screech]
Excuse me,
do you know where I could find
some cool, crime-fighting doctors?
[Owen] Thanks for meeting us
last minute, Goldfinch.
- [Lola] Yeah.
- Of course,
it's just a 14-hour drive from Berlin.
Plus, I have the audiobook
of Girl, Interrupted.
By the way, congratulations
on solving that case.
Three-D printers, sneaky stuff.
Thank you,
but we're not out of the woods yet.
We don't know who created the virus,
who ordered the attacks,
and we think another one might be coming.
In fact, we're hoping
you can help us find a man here in Latvia.
This should not be too hard.
Plenty of men here in Latvia.
Tell me about it.
But this one's name is Nikolai.
Could be part of the plot.
- Fucking Nikolai. I should have known.
- So, you've heard of him?
Yes. Nikolai Balodis.
He's infamous black-market dealer.
He's connected to Neri.
- He probably brokered this thing.
- Know where to find him?
I have no idea.
But... my van does.
- Yeah!
- [van beeps]
- [bell rings]
- [man 1] Ten minutes to air. Ten minutes.
[man 2] All right,
coming through, guys. Hold on.
[chuckles]
Hey, Joel McHale.
- It's me, Cat.
- Do we know each other?
We don't really, but I am the woman
that's been texting you
pictures of her cornhole.
- Yes! Cat! Of course!
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry. You never texted
a picture of your face.
I know.
Welcome to my face. [laughs]
Can I just say,
you have a lovely cornhole.
Oh, God, thank you. That's very sweet.
Yeah. I have to run.
I have to go
floss my hair before the show.
Oh, before you go, I was just wondering,
can I invite you
to the electrical room in five minutes?
- So that we can have sex with each other?
- I'd be thrilled to do that.
- Oh, you would?
- Sex is very fun.
- Great.
- See you soon, Cat.
Okay.
What the...
What's that guy doing? He's gonna ruin
my fun sex with Joel McHale.
[door thuds closed]
[clears throat]
Hi. I have this room reserved
starting in five minutes.
Well, I have this gun reserved
starting in now.
You have... Oh.
[Lola] So, if Goldfinch's van was correct,
this should be Nikolai's mother's house.
It's the best lead we've got.
What's with the mittens?
Oh, in Latvia, socks and mittens
are a traditional gift
you give someone when visiting their home.
You could Google it. It's very real.
Oh, I had a babysitter who spoke Latvian.
Let me do the talking.
I'm not fluent, but I can get by.
Fine.
[in Latvian] Who is it?
Hi, Balodis lady-woman.
Nikolai is superfriend!
Please go away.
Nikolai is running with bad wolves.
We are being colleagues unto him...
much like the sun-time
is best for cycling.
There is no Nikolai.
[in English] Wait, please.
[in Latvian] Mittens are with us!
- Mittens!
- Mittens.
Thank you.
Make yourselves at home!
Mittens.
The food is almost ready!
[in English] Remember,
the clock is ticking.
The next attack could happen any second.
But this is Latvia.
Important discussions don't happen
until the guest has a full stomach.
Whatever she brings out,
just eat it quickly,
- and then we can ask questions. Okay.
- [Nikolai's mother murmurs]
Oh.
- [Nikolais' mother speaks in Latvian]
- [Lola] Oh.
[in Latvian] Warm mayo and onion salad.
[Lola, in English]
Ooh, it looks delicious.
Who knew two of my least favorite foods
could smell so good together?
[in Latvian] Eat! Eat!
[both chuckling]
[in English] Okay.
I love it.
What a great combination of flavors.
So, we do have some questions
about Nikolai.
- [bell dings]
- Oh!
[in Latvian] Second course!
[in English] At least there's no water.
[Lola] Oh...
[in Latvian]
Expressed trout glands and cabbaged pork
with blood pancakes and tripe paste.
[in English] Fuck.
I mean, fuck, this looks so good.
- [Lola] Mmm.
- [laughs]
- Mmm.
- Oh. Ah...
[gags]
Mm-mmm.
So, why don't we get down to business?
[in Latvian] Third course!
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Where's she going?
- She's getting another course.
- What?
[indistinct clattering]
[wheels squeaking]
Wow!
A horse head!
[in Latvian] Boiled horse head,
cow lung soup
and a glass of fermented goat piddle.
[in English]
Cool! The teeth are still in there.
[Lola] Mmm!
Okay, we ate all your delicious food.
Now, let's talk.
[in Latvian]
Nikolai's location demands our knowledge.
I worry about Nikolai.
He works with dangerous people,
and he smokes unfiltered cigarettes.
Can you help him?
- [in English]Do we have to eat more horse?
- No.
[in Latvian]
You can probably find him here.
[in English] Okay.
Club Klüb.
Each floor a mix of trance and trip-hop.
Three levels? Sounds like
a club-klüb-club sandwich.
- Nice.
- Thanks.
[in Latvian] Please be careful.
Nikolai can see into people's souls.
People who lie to him have died.
Then we will not lay with him.
I will save in my head
the gift of diarrhea
you have give us in the night.
Thank you.
[in English]
I don't know who you think you are,
but I can tell you that Mr. Joel McHale
is not going to be happy about this.
Well, I hope you're wrong.
I want everyone to be happy.
And the Break a Leg applause meter
will tell us just how happy they are.
Oh, no. The applause meter gauges audience
enthusiasm, not how happy they are.
I mean, really the meter
is what sets the show apart
from all the other
network talent showcases.
It's really kind of like the hook.
You clearly don't understand TV very well.
Perhaps you're right.
I'm more of an internet guy.
I just love it
when something goes... viral.
Viral.
Tubes.
The 3D printer.
The ventilation system. Your gun.
Everything that Lola was saying.
Break a Leg. Cornhole.
Sorry you're gonna "miss" the show.
That's not even a pun though...
[man chuckles]
[faint dance music playing in headphones]
[faint beat playing in headphones]
What's going on?
It's one of those silent discos
where everyone's listening
to the same music on their headphones.
- Yeah, it's...
- [dancer farts]
[farting]
Wow, I guess I never really realized
that people fart so much
while they're dancing.
- [farting]
- [Lola chuckles]
All right, let's stick to the plan.
- I'm gonna go talk to the bartender.
- Okay.
[dancer farts]
Hey, I'll take one of those.
Hey, man, I'm looking for Nikolai.
I don't speak English.
I only know these three sentences.
But that was two sentences.
This is the third one.
Oh, oh! Aw.
I'm so sorry.
I'm such a stupid tourist.
Can I get another one of those?
Excuse me, sorry, can you take off the...
Yeah. Does the name Nikolai
mean anything to you?
Yes, of course.
It's the East Slavic variant of the name
Nicholas, meaning "victory of the people."
- Hey.
- Hey, check this out.
- I threw a little marker on the bartender.
- So smart.
Look, one of these books
must open up a secret door.
I don't know the...
Oh! Huh.
[Owen] Huh.
[Lola] Okay, we're looking for a bald man
who wears all black.
[man speaking indistinctly]
[laughter]
How do we know which one is Nikolai?
Nikolai!
Yes?
I think we found our man.
Remember, we're posing as arms dealers,
we need him to trust us.
Yeah.
Do you know what happens
to trespassers at Club Klüb?
Um... they have to leave?
They get shot.
I wouldn't kill us so fast, Nikolai.
We're friends of Neri's.
Neri sent you?
He said you might be the man to talk to
if we're trying to find something...
difficult.
And what is that?
Weapons-grade plutonium.
Now, what do two nice people like you
need weapons-grade plutonium for?
- That's a good question.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay. One second.
- Motherfucking shit.
- Oh, my God.
- We're fucked. I fucked it all up.
- Stop it.
You stop it.
You're doing great. Just think.
- [whispers] Let's give up.
- Stop it.
What is a weapon even used for?
Oh, an attack.
That's it. Oh, my God, see?
That was great.
Hey, thanks. I think you're great too.
That thing with the mittens, I was like,
- what?
- Really? Oh, my God, thank you.
We need weapons-grade plutonium
for an attark.
- [whispers] Attack.
- Attack.
Your story checks out.
Yeah.
I think I can get you what you need,
but only...
if you beat me at cards.
- I can play cards.
- Okay.
And if you lose,
Ivor...
kills you.
Huh.
The game is...
deuce to nines, double draw.
[knocks]
Cat? Are you in there?
[McHale] The door is locked.
[muffled] Joel!
If you're in there,
the show's about to start,
but we still have time
to squeeze in two or three pumps.
Joel McHale!
Cat?
Joel! Fun sex time!
[man on PA]
One minute to curtain. One minute.
Well, I wanted to have sex with you
because it's fun,
but I have to go host a television show.
Keep that cornhole fit.
[groans]
No!
No fun sex time. No pump.
Okay.
[straining]
Okay, okay.
Um... what?
If you're reading this,
you must have freed yourself, LOL.
Don't bother unplugging the device.
It's set to release the virus
if anyone tampers with it, LOL.
No!
[dramatic orchestral music playing]
Even cards are double tight.
Back to back? Or wall to wall?
Wall to wall. No sunshine.
Now you're speaking my language.
Well played, friend.
Tapping trees.
[gasping]
You should have called a rock limit
on your kangaroo tens.
[chuckling]
Spinning triplets, no stash.
Looks like you'll be
cruising this one off the top.
You're clever. You just burned my blondie.
But how do you know
I don't have a double sidecar?
How do you know I don't have
a dull fun-run Jack-eyed jeweler?
You're bluffing.
I call.
[phone buzzes]
Hey, Cat.
It's not over.
There's gonna be another attack tonight
during the Break a Leg broadcast.
- What? How do you know that?
- Viral. Tubes.
Thee-D printer. Ventilation system.
Cornhole, et cetera.
Can you unplug the printer?
It's booby-trapped. LOL.
Okay, Cat,
you need to stop this attack now!
Got it. When?
Now!
Got it.
[phone beeps]
Offload my bomber.
It's your funeral.
Sixteen ducks.
All in a row.
Quadruple pot squatters
and thigh-high tulips,
on the front side.
[laughter]
This is the end of the game, my friend.
And also the end of you.
Not so fast, Nikolai.
Read 'em and weep.
Two winks,
side by side.
Jeepers and creepers.
You did it!
- [Lola chuckles]
- [Owen panting]
I believe we have
some business to attend to.
I know Neri didn't send you.
I know this because Neri is dead.
- Kill them.
- So the whole card game was pointless?
Why did we play cards?
I had fun, didn't you?
[Owen exclaims]
Owen!
Owen, come on!
[dancers farting]
[Lola] Look, there's Nikolai.
[dancers continue farting]
[tires screeching]
[Owen] Hello again, dirtbag.
This is a really nice van.
[theme music playing]
[female announcer]
Welcome to Break a Leg.
Here's your host, Joel McHale.
[applause]
Hey, everybody!
It's exciting, isn't it?
All right, you guys know the deal.
If you get that applause meter
up to ten...
Oh, shit.
...that performer is going to Vegas!
The printer is rigged
to the applause meter.
[McHale] Oh, you guys
can do better than that, I bet.
This audience is gonna
cheer themselves into the grave.
...a pediatrician from New York City
currently residing in Brazil.
Please give a warm welcome to Cat Black!
[applause]
[jaunty vaudeville tune plays]
Oh, look at her go.
I've got to keep the applause meter low,
because if it goes high and the virus
is released, that would be bad.
[applause dies down]
What the fuck?
I did it. It's working.
I stopped the attack. This is great...
[audience gasps]
Oh, my gosh.
Well, we all sure hope that she is okay.
She is not getting up.
[siren wailing]
Is she... Is she okay?
[man] She's gonna be all right!
[bells ringing]
Wow! Look at that!
Somebody's going to Vegas!
What? Hey!
[screaming]
[coughing]
All right.
We'll be right back. Okay.
We need answers, Nikolai!
Nikolai, give them answers!
How do you know another attack is coming?
Who told you?
- Neri is dead.
- Yeah.
So who's behind this? We want answers!
He will say nothing.
We'll see about that. Lola?
Ow!
I just injected three cc's
of Tractadone into your veins.
You'll be dead in one minute.
I'll keep track of time.
This will reverse it.
So start talking.
No.
[Goldfinch] Forty-six!
Forty-five!
Right now your nervous system
is shutting down.
Thirty-seven! Thirty-six!
That pain that you're feeling right now?
That's the alveoli in your lungs
- collapsing in on themselves.
- Ooh.
Sixteen! Fifteen!
Tell him to stop skipping numbers!
Nine! Eight! Seven!
- Okay, okay. I'll talk. Give me shot.
- Six! Five!
[grunts]
Who's behind the attack?
- I don't know.
- Oh, no?
Okay, okay.
All I know... the creator of the virus
is about to deliver the cure to the buyer.
Why?
Probably to protect themselves
in case the outbreak goes worldwide.
They meet in two days in Shanghai,
4:00 p.m. local time.
Each will be wearing
a red hat to identify themselves.
Okay, okay. Well, that's perfect.
We go to Shanghai, we arrest the bad guys,
and we get the cure.
So, I'm free to go?
Well...
[muffled grunting]
Bye, Goldfinch!
Always great to see you guys.
So tell me more about Riga.
[Lola] Oh, well, Riga's historical center
is a UNESCO World Heritage Site,
noted for its art nouveau architecture.
[reporter 1]
And now a breaking news special report.
[reporter 2] Thousands of audience members
at tonight's Break a Leg show
were exposed to what appears to be
the São Paulo virus.
Authorities were unable
to contain the outbreak.
The virus has begun
to spread out of control.
It's pretty fucked up.