Medical Police (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Goldfinch - full transcript
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
[Owen] We're not gonna make it!
[Lola] Find the ripcord!
- Pull!
- [fabric rustling]
[suspense music playing]
Who are you?
- We're American doctors.
- And also apparently now cops.
Yeah. It's a big concept.
- We're still wrapping our heads around...
- Get on your knees.
You have no idea
how much trouble you're in.
- What?
- You'll be placed under arrest and held
without bail until trial,
which could be months from now.
Then I will personally see to it
that you're prosecuted
and sent to prison for many years.
- [sobs]
- You have no idea
the hell your life is about to become.
Oh, God.
All of which is precisely
what I will be saying
if you ever do anything like this again.
Do you understand?
- Yes, sir!
- Yes!
Then you are free to go.
Oh!
- [Owen] Great!
- [Lola] Thank you so much!
- They're so nice!
- Yeah.
We should get out of here before they find
the body under the parachute.
Yes.
[Owen] Sorry I was crying.
Is everyone here German?
[Lola] Okay, so this is it.
The site of the second outbreak.
German Ministry of Technology.
[Owen] More like the
German Ministry of Sicknology.
- [Lola chuckles]
- At least today, because of the virus.
You get it?
[coughing]
[Owen] So all the workers
have been quarantined?
Yeah. If we can confirm
that they have the São Paulo virus,
we're almost definitely
looking at a terror attack.
Well, fingers crossed they're all just
dying from something normal, you know,
like malnutrition or drowning.
What am I looking for exactly?
That.
That's the same rash
that we saw in São Paulo.
Her blood work confirms it.
Owen, this is the same virus.
We have to figure out how it got here.
I just don't really know how to start.
We had a trick
we used to use on the force.
- Yeah?
- Keep an eye out for anyone that looks...
suspicious.
[Lola] Excuse me,
do you know who that guy is?
That's Hassim. One of our interns.
He brings coffee every morning.
Okay. I...
We got a runner!
- I'm going after him!
- All right, wait, wait, Owen, hold on!
He was clearly acting guilty, right?
We're not, like, making a leap
based on his presumed...
ethnicity or religion?
I actually had the same thought,
but I really think
that he's our most likely suspect...
- Okay.
- ...okay? That said,
very glad to be having this conversation.
- I'm going! See if he left anything!
- Will do.
[dramatic music playing]
Got you, you son of a bitch!
[phone rings]
Hey, have you found him?
Yeah.
- I'm tailing him now.
- Oh!
Oh, I found his ID and date book.
Full name:
Hassim Nazari.
Oh, and he was in Brazil.
What?
He brought the virus
from Brazil to Berlin!
Owen, it's all here!
From São Paulo to today's attack to...
Oh, my God.
10:00 p.m. tonight.
Boom.
Owen, do not lose him. Stay close.
I will. Don't worry.
This terrorist is going down!
But, hey, look,
can you just go with me for a second
on this little thought experiment?
Let's just say that we were tailing
a young Caucasian man, okay?
And let's say his name was Brett.
Would we be as certain of Brett's guilt?
Okay, okay.
Well, Brett would be acting suspicious.
Brett would have incriminating
evidence in his bag,
ergo, Brett would leave me no choice
but to assume the worst.
- Right?
- Yes!
In fact, I might be even
more inclined to suspect Brett,
given how loathe I am
to paint people from different cultures
with a broad brush.
Still, as much as we want to believe
that our motives are pure,
we have to remember that we are coming
from a place of privilege.
I'm so glad we're talking about this.
Oh, shit! He just saw me.
Okay, he's going into a market.
I'm gonna follow him.
[Lola] A market?
Shopping!
Obviously I'm kidding. I'm on my way.
Where is he?
[indistinct chatter]
[merchant speaking indistinctly]
- This is a good price.
- No, thank you.
- Very, very good price. Please.
- Thank you.
I really don't have time
to haggle with you people.
No, thank you. Thank you very much.
Fine, I have 24 dollars.
What is it that you're selling me?
[phone dialing, ringing]
[phone rings]
- Hey.
- Where are you?
I spotted him! I gotta go.
[dramatic music playing]
- Hey, where is he?
- He couldn't have gotten far.
- Let's go that way.
- Okay.
[crowd murmuring, gasping]
[crowd gasps, claps]
[crowd] Whoa!
Okay, take it easy.
Don't do anything crazy.
I respect mimes.
This is me walking away.
[growls]
[crowd cheering]
Dankeschön.
Come on! Come on! He went that way!
There he is!
Stop, Hassim! It's over!
[tires screeching]
- [Owen] Hey! What the hell?
- [Lola] What is happening?
- [Lola] Ow!
- [Owen] Who are you guys?
[Owen grunts]
Who are you?
- We're American doctors.
- Based in Brazil.
What did you do to McIntyre?
- [Owen] What?
- Where is she?
She's dead.
Yeah. She saved our lives.
But she didn't make it.
This is very sad.
Could you give me ten seconds, please?
Yes?
[indistinct sobbing]
Are you okay?
Please, just ten seconds.
But uninterrupted, okay?
Now I have to start over.
[shaky breathing]
[muffled sobbing]
[wailing]
[groans]
- Just let us know...
- Please, jus...
Just give me time to grieve. That's all.
[strained grunting]
[whimpering]
[exhales]
Okay.
Boom.
I'm done.
My apologies for the kidnapping, okay?
When I hear that McIntyre went missing,
you know, I assumed someone betrayed her.
I have to make sure it's not you, right?
- Yeah, sure.
- So what are your names?
- Uh, I'm Owen.
- Lola.
- [man] Lola.
- And you are?
They call me the Goldfinch.
- The what?
- Goldfinch.
And... you work for McIntyre?
[chuckles]
No. No. I work for myself.
And for everyone.
But for no one.
I mean, for my country.
And for yours too.
- Thank you.
- And for the entire world.
But for myself. I already said myself?
- Yeah.
- Anyway, but yes.
My best days were spent working
side by side with McIntyre.
There's three people
in this world I trusted,
and Sloane McIntyre was one of them.
You know the other two?
No, I have no idea.
You want to try to guess?
- Oh, um, I mean...
- We don't know who you know.
Or not. It doesn't... Whatever.
One of them is named Susan Curtis,
the other is a guy
by the name of Herman Gibbs.
Anyways, I think we're all set here, guys.
They seem okay.
As usual, great kidnapping. Okay, go, go.
And email me your time cards, okay?
All right, you guys are the best!
I love these guys. They are police.
So...
any friend of McIntyre
is a friend of the Goldfinch.
Now I want you to tell me everything
that has happened so I may help you.
Okay, uh, well,
we were chasing a terror suspect
who was probably transporting
a never-before-seen deadly virus
and, uh, then you kidnapped us
right before we could apprehend him.
I, so... I...
I see, so I got... It's my fault.
- Uh, water under the bridge.
- I mean...
Things happen.
This is like Guam all over again.
McIntyre mentioned Guam.
What happened there?
Let me put it to you like this...
Guam was like Nicaragua...
times five.
And if this virus
is half as bad as McIntyre says it is,
it's gonna be like Guam times 100.
- You do the math.
- Okay,
a thousand Nicaraguas?
Five hundred Nicaraguas.
But still very bad.
- It's 500, yeah.
- Yes.
- I was gonna say 500.
- You were?
Well, you should've.
Maybe we should focus
on nabbing our suspect.
- Right.
- Yes, what's his name?
- Okay, Hassim Nazari.
- Got him!
Wow! You are fast!
What? You think this van is just
some driving around machine? No way.
Okay, I do quick background check on him.
He's not on any watch list.
Here is something.
- What is it?
- Oh, see,
he take a lot of money
from a cash machine in the Sinale.
The Sinale?
Yes, it's a Muslim neighborhood.
Locals call it Arab Street.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Okay, uh, listen, we just want you to know
that we didn't see Hassim and go,
"Oh! There's an Arab. That's our guy!"
Of course, I know that.
The point is we're not looking
to catch a Muslim terrorist,
we're looking to catch a terrorist,
whatever color he...
- Or she!
- Or she! Great catch, Owen...
Turns out to be.
- You know?
- It's okay.
- We're not racist.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- All right.
I'm going to tap into
the city's traffic camera system.
- See if we can find him.
- Whoa!
Where are you, Hassim?
[man] We've located the plane, sir.
It went down
in a secluded area
200 miles outside Berlin.
My God. No one could survive that.
Not even Gloria Gaynor,
her indomitable spirit notwithstanding.
Terry, you were
on the ground in São Paulo.
Anything suspicious
about those two doctors?
Oh, I don't think they were involved.
They were really nice to me.
The lady doctor taught us
how viruses work using a hula hoop.
Someone did not want McIntyre
to reach the Berlin outbreak site.
Do you think the terrorist
is still in Berlin?
I do, but not for long.
Another city will be next.
These attacks will not stop
until we stop them.
Why don't they make the whole plane
out of the same stuff
they make the black box out of?
Actually, there are a bunch of reasons.
Black boxes are made from titanium.
A plane made out of that
would be way too heavy to fly
- with any...
- Shut the fuck up, Terry.
I have good news and I have bad news.
Good news is: I'm getting married.
- Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!
- Come on!
Yes, it's so many emotions, really.
It's everything. But it's June 21st, so...
just keep it open.
- No obligation. I understand.
- That's so nice.
Okay, the bad news is our man Hassim
has bought a one-way
ticket to New York City.
10:00 p.m., boom.
Wait...
He's using his cell phone.
Watch me triangulate his signal.
It's amazing, right?
- Yeah, it's an actual triangle.
- I mean not to brag,
- but it's incredible.
- Computers...
Ten years ago, this'd take 50 people.
I got him!
[speaking indistinctly]
Looks like Hassim
is on his way to the airport.
I'll alert Tactical Response.
I just wish I knew how to hack
into military spy satellites.
- Damn it!
- Yeah, that would be cool.
- Of course I can do this!
- Oh!
- Come on!
- You don't think I can do this?
- Of course you can!
- Are you serious?
- You are fucking with us!
- Watch this. Look.
You see this?
This is Madonna's backyard
of her house in Los Angeles.
- No.
- Yes.
- Shouldn't be looking at that.
- I've never seen her outside.
Why is there a camera
pointed at Madonna's house?
Because they're very afraid
she's going to release another album.
That's a sick burn.
I'm sorry. I know. I know.
But no one is safe from the Goldfinch,
not even the Queen of Pop!
Maybe we can focus on apprehending Hassim?
Well, every party has a pooper scooper.
You are it.
Let's go!
Okay, he's two blocks east of here.
[Owen] Let's go.
Hey, hey! [mutters]
- Take these.
- I don't know how to shoot.
- That's okay.
- What?
Bye.
[Lola] I've got guns!
But... no one closed the door for me.
This is so...
[dramatic music playing]
Move! Move, move, move!
[yelling]
Get down!
End of the line, Hassim!
[screaming]
[bystanders exclaiming]
Shooting is easy! See?
- [gunfire]
- [bystanders screaming]
[gun clicks]
Oh, this one's broken!
- Let me see those hands!
- I'm sorry!
I had to do it!
Show me your hands! Your hands!
What's in the sweatshirt?
- Yeah, come on!
- It's something bad.
I made it. I used it twice.
- And I'm going to use it again.
- It's the virus!
Don't do it! Don't, Hassim!
[bystanders scream]
[panting] Oh, my God.
- [whimpers]
- [Lola pants]
What is that? Is that a weapon?
Is that...
Is that a... a pocket pussy?
Why are you asking me? But yeah.
Looks like a pretty good one too.
Look at the detail on those outer folds.
Anyway, give me something for his arm.
Right, um, give me that bottle.
And can I have your scarf?
Where's the virus, Hassim?
- What virus?
- Don't play dumb. What are you hiding?
- Yeah!
- Okay.
Okay, okay.
The truth is: I am a virgin.
Wait, what?
It's true, it's true, it...
My girlfriend has had
many lovers before me,
and... and this is why I printed
the silicone vagina,
so I could practice
before we finally made love, okay?
Uh-oh.
I know I wasn't supposed
to use the 3D printer
at work for my recreational purposes.
So...
- just tell me how much trouble I'm in!
- Yeah, but we have your date book.
So why did you write Brazil
on the same day as the São Paulo attack?
Well, of course it's going to say that.
I am not going to lose my virginity
with a hairy penis and butthole.
A Brazilian.
I am pretty sure it's called a Brazil.
Okay, but why did you write
"payback," huh?
Payback time?
Well, it says that every Tuesday.
That is when I get reimbursed
for bringing the coffee in.
Look, look. It says it every Tuesday.
Every Tuesday.
- What about "10:00 p.m. boom"?
- Right! Yeah?
That is when I was finally
going to have sex.
Boom!
Ugh!
Wait! But we've seen
your credit card statement!
And we know that you purchased
a one-way ticket to New York for tonight.
- What?
- Got him!
Wait, wait, wait.
This was probably my... my father.
We share the same account, and...
and he always used to say
he was going to leave us
and move to New York, and...
But I never thought that he would
actually go through with it.
Bastard!
This is going to crush my mother.
What a terrible day
this has turned out to be.
Um...
I... I feel that we may have
really messed up on that one.
Yeah, I'm with you.
- Hassim!
- [chuckles]
- Um... [laughs] Yeah, this is kinda funny.
- This is very funny.
You know, we actually
thought you were a terrorist.
- Because I'm Muslim?
- No!
- What? No.
- No!
- Oh, my God. No!
- No.
[Lola]
If anything, in spite of that fact. No.
Trust us, we have had
precisely that conversation.
Absolutely, and we're also not suggesting
that there is a simple one size fits all
solution for these problems.
This is the kind of dialogue
we should all be having.
- Thank you.
- And that's exactly
- what we've been saying.
- I agree.
- [sirens]
- It's a give and take.
- It's a give and take.
- It's for everybody.
[Owen] For all of us.
- [cop speaks indistinctly]
- Hi.
Um, thank God.
Listen, so, we shot him.
But we also saved his life,
so it kinda evens out.
Hassim, I'd keep that arm elevated
for the rest of the day.
And you've probably been exposed
to a deadly virus,
so you'll wanna check that out.
- Great. Thank you. Have a wonderful day.
- Great job, everybody.
- Whoops!
- We're terrible at this.
- [engine turns over]
- [Lola] You know,
there's something about this whole
situation that just doesn't make sense.
Like, according to reports
from the outbreak sites,
the virus appeared in Berlin
only five hours after Brazil. I'm...
- Hey, you got cable?
- Oh, yeah.
Not even Ryan Reynolds
could make this van wilder.
How could the virus make it
from here to Brazil that quickly?
- The fastest flight is 12 hours.
- [reporter on TV speaks]
Wait a second...
Time zones!
Berlin is exactly
five hours ahead of Brazil!
- Lola...
- No,
the reason that we can't trace the path
of the virus is because there is no path.
Somehow it appeared
in both cities simultaneously.
No, it didn't.
It appeared in five cities simultaneously.
The mysterious virus is now
being reported in São Paulo,
Berlin, Vancouver,
Tel Aviv, and Johannesburg.
Authorities fear this outbreak
may be a part of a highly coordinated
bioterror attack,
with the potential to kill thousands.
Or even tens of hundreds.
And next up, another beef
from humorist Jim Davidson!
I have a new relationship in my life,
and it's with the snooze button...
Oh, my God,
it's a worldwide terrorism attack.
Wait, I know who might be able to help us.
Goldfinch, can you get us
to the airport quickly?
I feel like, if anything, I have
over-explained how great this van is.
[Owen] No more planes.
People on planes try to kill us.
[Lola] Owen, all of those people are dead.
[sinister music playing]
---
[Owen] We're not gonna make it!
[Lola] Find the ripcord!
- Pull!
- [fabric rustling]
[suspense music playing]
Who are you?
- We're American doctors.
- And also apparently now cops.
Yeah. It's a big concept.
- We're still wrapping our heads around...
- Get on your knees.
You have no idea
how much trouble you're in.
- What?
- You'll be placed under arrest and held
without bail until trial,
which could be months from now.
Then I will personally see to it
that you're prosecuted
and sent to prison for many years.
- [sobs]
- You have no idea
the hell your life is about to become.
Oh, God.
All of which is precisely
what I will be saying
if you ever do anything like this again.
Do you understand?
- Yes, sir!
- Yes!
Then you are free to go.
Oh!
- [Owen] Great!
- [Lola] Thank you so much!
- They're so nice!
- Yeah.
We should get out of here before they find
the body under the parachute.
Yes.
[Owen] Sorry I was crying.
Is everyone here German?
[Lola] Okay, so this is it.
The site of the second outbreak.
German Ministry of Technology.
[Owen] More like the
German Ministry of Sicknology.
- [Lola chuckles]
- At least today, because of the virus.
You get it?
[coughing]
[Owen] So all the workers
have been quarantined?
Yeah. If we can confirm
that they have the São Paulo virus,
we're almost definitely
looking at a terror attack.
Well, fingers crossed they're all just
dying from something normal, you know,
like malnutrition or drowning.
What am I looking for exactly?
That.
That's the same rash
that we saw in São Paulo.
Her blood work confirms it.
Owen, this is the same virus.
We have to figure out how it got here.
I just don't really know how to start.
We had a trick
we used to use on the force.
- Yeah?
- Keep an eye out for anyone that looks...
suspicious.
[Lola] Excuse me,
do you know who that guy is?
That's Hassim. One of our interns.
He brings coffee every morning.
Okay. I...
We got a runner!
- I'm going after him!
- All right, wait, wait, Owen, hold on!
He was clearly acting guilty, right?
We're not, like, making a leap
based on his presumed...
ethnicity or religion?
I actually had the same thought,
but I really think
that he's our most likely suspect...
- Okay.
- ...okay? That said,
very glad to be having this conversation.
- I'm going! See if he left anything!
- Will do.
[dramatic music playing]
Got you, you son of a bitch!
[phone rings]
Hey, have you found him?
Yeah.
- I'm tailing him now.
- Oh!
Oh, I found his ID and date book.
Full name:
Hassim Nazari.
Oh, and he was in Brazil.
What?
He brought the virus
from Brazil to Berlin!
Owen, it's all here!
From São Paulo to today's attack to...
Oh, my God.
10:00 p.m. tonight.
Boom.
Owen, do not lose him. Stay close.
I will. Don't worry.
This terrorist is going down!
But, hey, look,
can you just go with me for a second
on this little thought experiment?
Let's just say that we were tailing
a young Caucasian man, okay?
And let's say his name was Brett.
Would we be as certain of Brett's guilt?
Okay, okay.
Well, Brett would be acting suspicious.
Brett would have incriminating
evidence in his bag,
ergo, Brett would leave me no choice
but to assume the worst.
- Right?
- Yes!
In fact, I might be even
more inclined to suspect Brett,
given how loathe I am
to paint people from different cultures
with a broad brush.
Still, as much as we want to believe
that our motives are pure,
we have to remember that we are coming
from a place of privilege.
I'm so glad we're talking about this.
Oh, shit! He just saw me.
Okay, he's going into a market.
I'm gonna follow him.
[Lola] A market?
Shopping!
Obviously I'm kidding. I'm on my way.
Where is he?
[indistinct chatter]
[merchant speaking indistinctly]
- This is a good price.
- No, thank you.
- Very, very good price. Please.
- Thank you.
I really don't have time
to haggle with you people.
No, thank you. Thank you very much.
Fine, I have 24 dollars.
What is it that you're selling me?
[phone dialing, ringing]
[phone rings]
- Hey.
- Where are you?
I spotted him! I gotta go.
[dramatic music playing]
- Hey, where is he?
- He couldn't have gotten far.
- Let's go that way.
- Okay.
[crowd murmuring, gasping]
[crowd gasps, claps]
[crowd] Whoa!
Okay, take it easy.
Don't do anything crazy.
I respect mimes.
This is me walking away.
[growls]
[crowd cheering]
Dankeschön.
Come on! Come on! He went that way!
There he is!
Stop, Hassim! It's over!
[tires screeching]
- [Owen] Hey! What the hell?
- [Lola] What is happening?
- [Lola] Ow!
- [Owen] Who are you guys?
[Owen grunts]
Who are you?
- We're American doctors.
- Based in Brazil.
What did you do to McIntyre?
- [Owen] What?
- Where is she?
She's dead.
Yeah. She saved our lives.
But she didn't make it.
This is very sad.
Could you give me ten seconds, please?
Yes?
[indistinct sobbing]
Are you okay?
Please, just ten seconds.
But uninterrupted, okay?
Now I have to start over.
[shaky breathing]
[muffled sobbing]
[wailing]
[groans]
- Just let us know...
- Please, jus...
Just give me time to grieve. That's all.
[strained grunting]
[whimpering]
[exhales]
Okay.
Boom.
I'm done.
My apologies for the kidnapping, okay?
When I hear that McIntyre went missing,
you know, I assumed someone betrayed her.
I have to make sure it's not you, right?
- Yeah, sure.
- So what are your names?
- Uh, I'm Owen.
- Lola.
- [man] Lola.
- And you are?
They call me the Goldfinch.
- The what?
- Goldfinch.
And... you work for McIntyre?
[chuckles]
No. No. I work for myself.
And for everyone.
But for no one.
I mean, for my country.
And for yours too.
- Thank you.
- And for the entire world.
But for myself. I already said myself?
- Yeah.
- Anyway, but yes.
My best days were spent working
side by side with McIntyre.
There's three people
in this world I trusted,
and Sloane McIntyre was one of them.
You know the other two?
No, I have no idea.
You want to try to guess?
- Oh, um, I mean...
- We don't know who you know.
Or not. It doesn't... Whatever.
One of them is named Susan Curtis,
the other is a guy
by the name of Herman Gibbs.
Anyways, I think we're all set here, guys.
They seem okay.
As usual, great kidnapping. Okay, go, go.
And email me your time cards, okay?
All right, you guys are the best!
I love these guys. They are police.
So...
any friend of McIntyre
is a friend of the Goldfinch.
Now I want you to tell me everything
that has happened so I may help you.
Okay, uh, well,
we were chasing a terror suspect
who was probably transporting
a never-before-seen deadly virus
and, uh, then you kidnapped us
right before we could apprehend him.
I, so... I...
I see, so I got... It's my fault.
- Uh, water under the bridge.
- I mean...
Things happen.
This is like Guam all over again.
McIntyre mentioned Guam.
What happened there?
Let me put it to you like this...
Guam was like Nicaragua...
times five.
And if this virus
is half as bad as McIntyre says it is,
it's gonna be like Guam times 100.
- You do the math.
- Okay,
a thousand Nicaraguas?
Five hundred Nicaraguas.
But still very bad.
- It's 500, yeah.
- Yes.
- I was gonna say 500.
- You were?
Well, you should've.
Maybe we should focus
on nabbing our suspect.
- Right.
- Yes, what's his name?
- Okay, Hassim Nazari.
- Got him!
Wow! You are fast!
What? You think this van is just
some driving around machine? No way.
Okay, I do quick background check on him.
He's not on any watch list.
Here is something.
- What is it?
- Oh, see,
he take a lot of money
from a cash machine in the Sinale.
The Sinale?
Yes, it's a Muslim neighborhood.
Locals call it Arab Street.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Okay, uh, listen, we just want you to know
that we didn't see Hassim and go,
"Oh! There's an Arab. That's our guy!"
Of course, I know that.
The point is we're not looking
to catch a Muslim terrorist,
we're looking to catch a terrorist,
whatever color he...
- Or she!
- Or she! Great catch, Owen...
Turns out to be.
- You know?
- It's okay.
- We're not racist.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- All right.
I'm going to tap into
the city's traffic camera system.
- See if we can find him.
- Whoa!
Where are you, Hassim?
[man] We've located the plane, sir.
It went down
in a secluded area
200 miles outside Berlin.
My God. No one could survive that.
Not even Gloria Gaynor,
her indomitable spirit notwithstanding.
Terry, you were
on the ground in São Paulo.
Anything suspicious
about those two doctors?
Oh, I don't think they were involved.
They were really nice to me.
The lady doctor taught us
how viruses work using a hula hoop.
Someone did not want McIntyre
to reach the Berlin outbreak site.
Do you think the terrorist
is still in Berlin?
I do, but not for long.
Another city will be next.
These attacks will not stop
until we stop them.
Why don't they make the whole plane
out of the same stuff
they make the black box out of?
Actually, there are a bunch of reasons.
Black boxes are made from titanium.
A plane made out of that
would be way too heavy to fly
- with any...
- Shut the fuck up, Terry.
I have good news and I have bad news.
Good news is: I'm getting married.
- Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!
- Come on!
Yes, it's so many emotions, really.
It's everything. But it's June 21st, so...
just keep it open.
- No obligation. I understand.
- That's so nice.
Okay, the bad news is our man Hassim
has bought a one-way
ticket to New York City.
10:00 p.m., boom.
Wait...
He's using his cell phone.
Watch me triangulate his signal.
It's amazing, right?
- Yeah, it's an actual triangle.
- I mean not to brag,
- but it's incredible.
- Computers...
Ten years ago, this'd take 50 people.
I got him!
[speaking indistinctly]
Looks like Hassim
is on his way to the airport.
I'll alert Tactical Response.
I just wish I knew how to hack
into military spy satellites.
- Damn it!
- Yeah, that would be cool.
- Of course I can do this!
- Oh!
- Come on!
- You don't think I can do this?
- Of course you can!
- Are you serious?
- You are fucking with us!
- Watch this. Look.
You see this?
This is Madonna's backyard
of her house in Los Angeles.
- No.
- Yes.
- Shouldn't be looking at that.
- I've never seen her outside.
Why is there a camera
pointed at Madonna's house?
Because they're very afraid
she's going to release another album.
That's a sick burn.
I'm sorry. I know. I know.
But no one is safe from the Goldfinch,
not even the Queen of Pop!
Maybe we can focus on apprehending Hassim?
Well, every party has a pooper scooper.
You are it.
Let's go!
Okay, he's two blocks east of here.
[Owen] Let's go.
Hey, hey! [mutters]
- Take these.
- I don't know how to shoot.
- That's okay.
- What?
Bye.
[Lola] I've got guns!
But... no one closed the door for me.
This is so...
[dramatic music playing]
Move! Move, move, move!
[yelling]
Get down!
End of the line, Hassim!
[screaming]
[bystanders exclaiming]
Shooting is easy! See?
- [gunfire]
- [bystanders screaming]
[gun clicks]
Oh, this one's broken!
- Let me see those hands!
- I'm sorry!
I had to do it!
Show me your hands! Your hands!
What's in the sweatshirt?
- Yeah, come on!
- It's something bad.
I made it. I used it twice.
- And I'm going to use it again.
- It's the virus!
Don't do it! Don't, Hassim!
[bystanders scream]
[panting] Oh, my God.
- [whimpers]
- [Lola pants]
What is that? Is that a weapon?
Is that...
Is that a... a pocket pussy?
Why are you asking me? But yeah.
Looks like a pretty good one too.
Look at the detail on those outer folds.
Anyway, give me something for his arm.
Right, um, give me that bottle.
And can I have your scarf?
Where's the virus, Hassim?
- What virus?
- Don't play dumb. What are you hiding?
- Yeah!
- Okay.
Okay, okay.
The truth is: I am a virgin.
Wait, what?
It's true, it's true, it...
My girlfriend has had
many lovers before me,
and... and this is why I printed
the silicone vagina,
so I could practice
before we finally made love, okay?
Uh-oh.
I know I wasn't supposed
to use the 3D printer
at work for my recreational purposes.
So...
- just tell me how much trouble I'm in!
- Yeah, but we have your date book.
So why did you write Brazil
on the same day as the São Paulo attack?
Well, of course it's going to say that.
I am not going to lose my virginity
with a hairy penis and butthole.
A Brazilian.
I am pretty sure it's called a Brazil.
Okay, but why did you write
"payback," huh?
Payback time?
Well, it says that every Tuesday.
That is when I get reimbursed
for bringing the coffee in.
Look, look. It says it every Tuesday.
Every Tuesday.
- What about "10:00 p.m. boom"?
- Right! Yeah?
That is when I was finally
going to have sex.
Boom!
Ugh!
Wait! But we've seen
your credit card statement!
And we know that you purchased
a one-way ticket to New York for tonight.
- What?
- Got him!
Wait, wait, wait.
This was probably my... my father.
We share the same account, and...
and he always used to say
he was going to leave us
and move to New York, and...
But I never thought that he would
actually go through with it.
Bastard!
This is going to crush my mother.
What a terrible day
this has turned out to be.
Um...
I... I feel that we may have
really messed up on that one.
Yeah, I'm with you.
- Hassim!
- [chuckles]
- Um... [laughs] Yeah, this is kinda funny.
- This is very funny.
You know, we actually
thought you were a terrorist.
- Because I'm Muslim?
- No!
- What? No.
- No!
- Oh, my God. No!
- No.
[Lola]
If anything, in spite of that fact. No.
Trust us, we have had
precisely that conversation.
Absolutely, and we're also not suggesting
that there is a simple one size fits all
solution for these problems.
This is the kind of dialogue
we should all be having.
- Thank you.
- And that's exactly
- what we've been saying.
- I agree.
- [sirens]
- It's a give and take.
- It's a give and take.
- It's for everybody.
[Owen] For all of us.
- [cop speaks indistinctly]
- Hi.
Um, thank God.
Listen, so, we shot him.
But we also saved his life,
so it kinda evens out.
Hassim, I'd keep that arm elevated
for the rest of the day.
And you've probably been exposed
to a deadly virus,
so you'll wanna check that out.
- Great. Thank you. Have a wonderful day.
- Great job, everybody.
- Whoops!
- We're terrible at this.
- [engine turns over]
- [Lola] You know,
there's something about this whole
situation that just doesn't make sense.
Like, according to reports
from the outbreak sites,
the virus appeared in Berlin
only five hours after Brazil. I'm...
- Hey, you got cable?
- Oh, yeah.
Not even Ryan Reynolds
could make this van wilder.
How could the virus make it
from here to Brazil that quickly?
- The fastest flight is 12 hours.
- [reporter on TV speaks]
Wait a second...
Time zones!
Berlin is exactly
five hours ahead of Brazil!
- Lola...
- No,
the reason that we can't trace the path
of the virus is because there is no path.
Somehow it appeared
in both cities simultaneously.
No, it didn't.
It appeared in five cities simultaneously.
The mysterious virus is now
being reported in São Paulo,
Berlin, Vancouver,
Tel Aviv, and Johannesburg.
Authorities fear this outbreak
may be a part of a highly coordinated
bioterror attack,
with the potential to kill thousands.
Or even tens of hundreds.
And next up, another beef
from humorist Jim Davidson!
I have a new relationship in my life,
and it's with the snooze button...
Oh, my God,
it's a worldwide terrorism attack.
Wait, I know who might be able to help us.
Goldfinch, can you get us
to the airport quickly?
I feel like, if anything, I have
over-explained how great this van is.
[Owen] No more planes.
People on planes try to kill us.
[Lola] Owen, all of those people are dead.
[sinister music playing]