Me and Mrs Jones (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

The first time was to my cousin
when we were seven.

He declined because
I smelt of wet tennis balls.

Then to Gemma, but just to be clear,

I loved her a lot, lot less
when I asked her.

Sorry, you do realise I'm standing
right here when you say that?

Totally lame.

Girls, what did you think?

Er, could do better. I liked it.

If I'm being honest, everything
you're saying sounds a bit... Lame?

When I proposed to you when
we got married, was that lame?

No.



Right, I'm out of here.

Oh, no, no, Alfie, hang on!

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Look, please.
Remember Operation Badger Removal.

We've got to get Jason out of here,
it's like we're married again.

We've got to get Inca to
say yes to his proposal.

Do you want to listen to him singing
Angels every morning for
the rest of your life?!

♪ When I'm lyin' in my bed

♪ Thoughts running through my head

♪ And I feel like love is dead

♪ I'm lovin' angels instead

♪ And through it all... ♪

Fine!

Have a go on me.
I'm not proposing to you.

Oh, well, tough, because
I'm sick of saying no to you.



Fine.

Yason, you want to
be speaking to me?

Oh, that is eerie.

OK.

Inca, I like you. You like me?!
Oh, well, big bloody deal!

You like eating the sausages
made from the hooves and the lips!

Oh, forget it. Oh, Alfie, stop it.

Is that legal?
Aren't you related or something?

Well, not by blood. Oh, hang on!

You've got the gift of the gab.
How would you propose to a woman?

I don't know,
I haven't given it much thought.

Oh, come on, laughing boy.
Give us what you've got.

Oh, Jason, he doesn't have to.
I mean, you really don't have to.

Come on, Billy! Please.
Yeah, come on, please.

OK. Probably something like...

You come to love not by
finding the perfect person,

but by seeing an
imperfect person perfectly.

You are my imperfect person,

and I see you...

perfectly.

I do.

That was so wet, man.

Right, I'm taking the van, helping
Billy move. All right, see ya.

Billy, hang on.
Where are you off to?

What are you doing?

Billy's got a new flat above the bar
- it goes with the chef's job.

Billy's a chef?

Oh, yeah, I guess he must be.
Laters!

Goodbye, Billy.

You truly are descended
from kings and poets!

Ha-ha!

Too much?

Was he crying a bit?

What can I say? I leave an
impression. Yeah, a big girl's one.

So are you actually a chef? Yes.

Like a qualified one?
Yes, I passed exams and everything.

What, so you could, like,
cook a steak?

Yes!

Right, the operation
depends on you two.

You know what to do?

Emotionally blackmail Inca
into coming to our barbecue.

And if she refuses to come,
we bring out the big guns.

Girls, don't be afeared, it is
Inca, in Green Coffee body wrap.

You look like a sea monster.

Can you come to ours
for a barbecue today?

I am thinking no.
I am being vegetarian.

Please.

Oh, girls, don't do the sad frowns.

Your face is a map of your life.

Look at your mother's face,
what a journey!

Will Yason be being there?
No. Yes.

Ah, they miss you so much.

Of course they do,
I am like mother to them.

It's OK, little ones,
of course Inca will come.

I don't know why Gemma
asked you to do this.

I mean, anyone can defrost meat.

This is fresh.

Anyway, I am only too happy
to be involved.

I've got some hickory smoked
barbecue wood chippings,

which should help infuse
the food as it cooks.

You know, it's the cooking of
the food that really matters,
not the, er, the preparation.

Oh, wow!

Oh, yes, she's quite something,
isn't she?

Spanish leather. Only, I think
she's fitted to my hips.

I'm proposing to Inca.

I could hide the ring in one
of these little pouches.
That's wonderful news.

I proposed to Selina in Montana.

We were on an authentic
cattle ranch vacation.

Oh, she was on a high, having
just lassoed a frisky bullock.

Have you, have you heard from her,

since we made the
drunken booty message call?

I don't think she liked it when
I said that her bum looked big
in a certain light.

Jason,

I'm having doubts about Gemma.

Is it her elbows?

Because they used to really
creep me out. What? No.

Is it because she looks like an
angry squirrel when she sleeps?
We haven't got that far. Oh.

No, it's just that I'm not sure
I'm fully over Selina and it's
not fair on Gemma to...

Mini-break! What?
Take Gemma on a mini-break.
Spend some time together.

I wasn't sure about Inca until
we cruised the Norfolk Broads

and I saw her in a bikini.

Nothing wrong with her elbows.

Wow! Why are you all in costume?

Flynn said it was fancy dress.
Oh, well it's not.

Flynn! All right, mate?
Where's your magic carpet?

Left it at home? Sensible move.

Wouldn't want to drink and fly!

I don't drink.

Nice threads by the way.
You're the bouncer, right?

A lot of people say I've
got the build to do that.

Let me give you a hand
with the, er...

Thank you.

Ooh, it's not light ale, is it?
Here we go.

You've got time to go home
and change, you know.

Why?
I've got the body to rock this look.

Not if you eat all that,
you haven't.

I'm going to dip the
strawberries in the chocolate.

I dipped a bit of Nero
in chocolate last night.

Used him like a human fondue.

You're insatiable.

Says she with two men on the go.
I haven't got two men on the go.

Er, Tom and Billy.

Two men on the go.

Oh, God!
I have got two men on the go.

Ah, all moved, are we?

Yep. Just popped back to give
you these and say thank you.

Oh.

Oh, I say.

That is a blockbuster
of a wine, thanks.

You know, I'm going to
miss our man moments.

Well, you know where I'll be,
and your first meal is on the house.

To think all this time I've had
a professional chef under my roof.

If I'd known, we could have
spent our evenings devouring
Rick Stein and Nigel Slater.

Oh, well,
I'm sorry to have missed that.

I'm just booking a mini-break
for Gemma and I.

I'm going to surprise her. Wow.

A yurt in the Lake District.
A yurt?

A portable bent wood frame
dwelling structure,

traditionally inhabited
by Turkic nomads.

So, like a big tent.

You don't think it'll scare her off?

She is easily scared off,
you know, skittish.

What do you think?

I think... if you truly like her
and she truly likes you,

it doesn't matter where you are.

A yurt it is.

Beer?

Lemonade.

Your wish is my command, O Master.

Ooh, I bet you must feel like a
right plonker dressed like that!

No.

So, are you going to
let me rub your lamp?

Sorry, that didn't
quite sound right.

Right. Well, that barbecue
isn't going to light itself.

Do not fear, Alfie is here!
Right, I'll light it for you.

Back off, I'm in charge
of making fire. All right.

Good. All the equipment here,
just need the, um...

Oh! Ha-ha! Stand and deliver!
Your sausage or your life!

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I do it old school, Nemo.

Nero. I don't hold with these gas
barbecues, Nemo. They're for girls.

Right. Lucky mitt.

OK, stand back, guys,
we don't want any singed moustaches,

do we, Fran?

Did you see what I just did then,
about the moustache thing?

Implying that Fran's got a...

Sorry, I didn't mean to...

Oh! Oh! Argh! Oh!

These are my favourite Chinos!

Oh, bloody hells bells!

Hello? The latch was on the snib.

Oh, Tom, Poppy,

Billy.

Lovely to see you... all.

You have chocolate
all over your face.

And all over your kitchen.
Yes, I like to get mucky.

A tidy house indicates a tidy mind.
So your mind must be very mucky.

Poppy's studying Freud.
The father of psychoanalysis.

Oh, clever old Poppy.
I also understand sarcasm.

Right, I'll head out
and find your daughters.

Come on, Billy. Oh. Bye.

Nice lad, very mature,
beyond his years, wouldn't you say?

Yes, Tom, I'm glad I've
got you alone for a moment.

I just wanted to say about the,
um, our... Well, you and me,

er, whatever it is.

It's just that, I'm not sure that
whatever it is, is, is working.

Yurt! What?

Yurt. It's a portable bent wood
framed dwelling structure.

Yes, I know what it is,
I just wondered why you shouted it.

You and me in a yurt,
in the Lake District.

It's five star. Oh, right.
Well, that sounds lovely, but um...

I-I know you think we're
better off as friends

and, to be honest, Gemma,
I'm having doubts, too.

Oh, right. Look, I'm the kind
of man who brings hygienic gloves
to a barbecue to handle raw meat,

and you're a woman who I doubt
bleached the surface before
buttering those rolls.

Well, no...
But maybe there is something,

and perhaps if we got away from all
the distractions of kids and exes,

and unsterilised surfaces.

Yeah, I'm not...
I know what you're going to say.

Jason's already agreed to have the
twins. Yeah, that's not actually
what I was going... It's booked.

It's up to you
if you want to join me.

No pressure.

Just think about it.

Great.

Let me at that barbecue!

Five minutes and you're off.

Yurt.

Sorry? Yeah, that's what I said.

Tom's asked me to go away with him,

to a five-star yurt
in the Lake District.

Blimey! Posh. Horny old Tom.

Wow, hot tub!

I was trying to end it with him.
Don't end it! There are
spa treatments.

Billy's hardly going to whisk
you off to a five star...

Oh, God! There's a butler!

You're not the sort of woman to
have an affair with a younger man.

I am! I can be wild.

Really? Yeah, I can be dangerous.

I've kissed a woman.
Please! We've all done that.

Now if you'd made LOVE to a woman...

You've...?

All right, Billy? All right?

Alfie's going for a record.

Is he in with a chance?

49, 48, 47...

Guinness World Record for continuous
bouncing on a trampoline was 53 days
of jumping between six people.

So, no, then.

Hey, er, do you grant wishes?
Because I could do with one.

I don't think you need wishes to make
your dreams come true. I think I do.

There are three wishes a genie, or
a jinn, as it was known in Arabian
and Muslim mythology, cannot grant...

bringing someone back to life,

making someone die,

or making someone
fall in love with you.

Wow! You've done
your character research.

Aladdin is a very good film.

It's a shame about
the wish thing, though.

Would you really want to make
someone fall in love with you?

Isn't it better to have them
fall in love of their own accord?

You, sir, are a very wise man.

I am.

But I do also happen to be
going out with Gemma's best friend.

Here, allow me. No, it's all right,

the coals were damp,
I've got fresh now.

Well, that'll never work.

These two haven't let me down yet.
They could set fire to an igloo.

Fluke.

I'm a wild woman, aren't I?

You look pretty crazy, sat there
with a plate of sausages.

Tom tells me he's taking you away
- that sounds kind of wild.

W-Well, yes, um, a yurt.

Five-star camping.

Not sure if I can compete with that,

although I do have vouchers for
a buy one get one free meal
at the local pizza place.

Or we could dine at
27A the High Street.

That's my flat.

Well, it has a roof garden
and a chair. Just the one?

Well, I'm saving
up for the whole set.

We could have a picnic
amongst the chimney pots.

Oh, I don't really do picnics
since I got stung on the, er...

Well, never mind.

Bottle of cava,

some cheese and onion crisps,

and the romantic sounds of the
142 night bus going past.

Gemma!

Gem... Oh!

Jason's on fire.

What?! Fear not, Jason!

Argh! Argh! Fire, fire!

No, no!

OK...

I'm on fire! Put me out!

Jason, I'm coming.

Lame!

Everything's OK, I'm fine.

The ring's fine.

The Spanish leather got a bit
singed. I'm sorry, mate. Oh!

Jason, for goodness sake!
Lit the barbecue, though, didn't I?
Well, technically I...

It's all right, girls, it's all
right. Oh, it's all right, girls.
Ha!

Dad! Just a minute, love,
I want to get the burgers on.

No, Dad, she's here.
In a minute, love.

But, Dad, she's here.

Press play.

Oh, yeah.

♪ She's like the wind
through my trees... ♪

Inca Dolph Adolf son,
when I experience your love,

I am speechless.

Yason, I...

No, no, no! Please wait,
I haven't finished.

Ater du gris med mig?

What?! Will I eat pig with you?!

Alfie!

Inca, I am your unicorn.

Grip firmly to my sturdy horn

and I will take you on
such a magical journey.

Let's picnic amongst the stars.

Marry me.

Yes, Jason. I will.

Phew.

Woo-woo!

Right, that's awkward. Let's eat.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm starving.

Sorry to murder the moment but,
er, I'm here to collect Poppy.

Mummy! Hello, darling.

Now go and get your bags.
Imran's double-parked the Lexus.

Tom,

a word.

300, 301...

So, I got your voice-mail -
very Al Pacino.

"Shut it, sweet cheeks,
your bum does look big in jeans?"

I mean...

Does it?

I-I-I'm over you.

You want to kiss me
right now, don't you? No.

I-I'm taking Gemma
to the Lake District.

Don't tell me, a yurt.

You're so predictable, Tom.

Ah, there you are,
Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom.

You, you'd better
back off, tall lady.

I know your game.
Well, you can't have him back.

He's mine now,
every solid inch of him.

A bit of super-friendly advice,
Jenna... Oh, it's Gemma.

Oh. Oh, is it?

This isn't just any old camping,
it's glamp yurting.

The clientele ooze glamour.

You might want to treat yourself
to a new... wardrobe.

Yeah, well, you might want to treat
yourself to some... new things, too.

I would much rather take someone
with a warm heart who's a bit
on the scruffy side,

than a wooden-hearted
designer clothes horse.

Well, you have your wish,
then, don't you?

Yes, he does have his wish, thank
you, and I have mine, too. Aw.

Poppy!

Tom.

Jenna. It's Gemma. Gemma.
Gemma, Gemma.

Wow, she is... Impressive.

I was going to say horrible.

Gemma, thank you for
saying those things.

I know you didn't really
mean it in that way, but...

thanks.

Thanks for being a... a friend.

So, you can come away with me, then?

303, 304...

Hey, is your mum around?

Don't know, she's probably laying
down. She's, er, quite old.

Right! Thanks. Won't be a minute.

Feeling a bit tired, are we?

Just thought I'd catch
five minutes' peace.

You weren't hiding from me,
then, no?

No!

Well, maybe a little bit.

So, what's it to be, Mrs Jones?

A yurt or a picnic under the stars?

And I'll see if I can find a
sausage roll and a second chair.

Mum?

Oh! Quick!

Ssh.

What are you doing?
Mum, can we get the ice cream out?

She's not up here.

They're gone.

What am I doing,
hiding from my family?

Then let's stop hiding from them.

Why do you even want me?

I think it's because...
you remind me of my mother.

I can't.

And don't get me wrong,
I like a sausage roll.

I mean, I really like a sausage roll,

but it gives me terrible indigestion
and... Do scotch eggs?

I can make them.
Hmm, impressive.

But I can't.
It'll upset too many people.

Well, I can make them
scotch eggs some other time.

I'm just not that sort of woman.

I don't want that sort of woman.

I want you.

And I want everyone to know it.

So I'll be... waiting,

on my blanket, with my scotch eggs.

Right, I'm going to need to
get out from under this quilt,

because I'm either going to
pass out or... kiss you.

Starlit picnic. Yurt.

Scotch eggs.

"Organic beef Wellington

"with a selection of locally sourced
vegetables." Oh, nice.

Gemma!? Gemma!

Alfred's arm is suspected snapped!
What?!

Tom's carried him out to
the knob-mobile. Oh, God!

Tom is super-strong, like the Hunk.
The Hulk.

I hope he will be free of
the cast for the wedding!

How's the wounded soldier?

Yeah, they're putting his cast on.
He'll be out in a minute.

Oh, good. Then you'd
better get going. What?

The, er, mini-break with Tom.

No, I can't! Alfie is...

Alfie's 23, we'll take him home.

No, I can't! I'm, I'm...
A chicken? What?

You, a big clucking chicken.

No, I'm not, it's just...

Look, I've packed your wellies
and some choice outfits.

I thought you were wild. I-I...
Wild or mild?

Er, mildly wild?
I've packed protection.

Oh, I don't think it's going to rain,
I... Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Not that sort. OK, um, oh, God!
I'm not, no...

Get out of here! Go! Faster.

Oh, run a bit, for God's sake!
Go bed that man, you wild woman!

PMT - poncho, money, tickets.

'Hi, this is Tom and Poppy's phone.

'You know how to do this.
After the beep, leave a message.'

'Tom, it's Selina.
I wanted to talk to you.'

OK, so this is it.

Throwing caution to the wind,
turning right for Tom and the yurt.

This is what you want.

Yeah, this is what you want, lady!

My heart says Billy.

I should follow my heart, go left.

Our heart knows what it wants.

I do like a scotch egg, I do.

Apparently I don't.

Oh!

Oh, yes, all right! I'm making
an important decision here!

Head?

Heart?

Head.

Heart.