Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 9 - The Gay Bar - full transcript
Arthur does not like having a gay bar in town.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
Walter, how could
you, how could you,
how could you invite
the Harmons over
to stay with us for three days?
Maude, their house
is being fumigated.
If their house is being
fumigated, why is Arthur leaving?
He's the biggest pest they have.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I just can never forgive
Arthur for those stupid
remarks he made last night
about illegal aliens.
Ah, Maude, he means well.
Means well?
I will not have a man
in my house who says
that throwing illegal
aliens into a van
and driving them
back across the border
is fun trucking.
Maude, now you're upset.
Now, calm down and listen to me.
Now, listen Maude, I
know Arthur Harmon
for over 30 years
and in that time,
you learn a lot about a man.
And I think that's something
you should know right now.
If you're not careful,
Arthur can get on your nerves.
Oh, Walter, Walter,
Walter, Walter,
do you know what you are?
I'm lost in a long dark tunnel.
Suddenly, I see a bright light
at the end of that tunnel.
You are that light, Walter.
A light I rushed toward,
it gets closer and closer
until there it is.
It's a train coming at me.
All right, Maude, I'm
sorry I invited the Harmons,
but they're our best
friends, what could I do?
Well, if you had any
decency, you would have said
that we've had a sudden
death in the family.
And then kill yourself.
Oh, oh, Maude, this
is just so sweet of you.
Vivian, let me give you a hand.
Oh, thank you, Walter.
I wonder if Arthur needs
a hand with his luggage.
This is his luggage.
Make sure to go up
to the guest room.
Look, Vivian, I'm
going to level with you,
there is no way that I
can take a whole weekend
of Arthur's narrow-minded
conservative ravings.
Maude, I'm just so
sorry about last night,
but try to understand.
Now, Arthur has just
been a little edgy lately,
you know, there's a
new administrator over
at the hospital and
Arthur is being considered
for head of surgery.
Now, that is a great idea
because nobody needs
head surgery more than Arthur.
Maude, I talked to
Arthur and I told him
not to say anything
controversial while we're here.
- Oh, come on, Viv.
- No, really, I did.
I sat him down and I said,
"Now, Arthur, under
no circumstances
do I want you even
to hint at any subject
that could possibly
cause an argument
between you and Maude."
That's what I said to Arthur.
I hope you're satisfied,
Maude Findlay.
A bunch of homosexual pansies
had just opened a
gay bar in Tuckahoe.
And what did Arthur say?
He said he'd think about it.
There's a new place
in the shopping center.
I thought it was a
Mexican restaurant.
I mean, they call it
The Gay Caballeros.
And then somebody told me today
they don't even
serve food there.
It's a bar and all the
caballeros are gay.
Look, Vivian, I forgot to
bring over my shaving kit,
would you run that
upstairs for me, please?
Oh.
Arthur, you're upsetting Maude.
Do you remember
what we talked about,
about nothing controversial?
Look, Maude,
I am upset about this gay bar
in the neighborhood.
And I'll admit
I'm gonna be
talking about it a lot.
It was very nice of you
to ask us to stay here
but I think we
better clear the air.
Now, if my being here is
gonna cause any trouble,
any trouble at all, I want
you to say so right now.
I think it's going to
cause a lot of trouble.
All right. Now that
we've cleared the air,
Vivian, you can take
that shaving kit upstairs.
Now, let me tell you what we're
gonna do about this gay bar.
I don't wanna hear
about it, Arthur.
Look, I don't think
you understand.
I cannot put up with
three days of this, Arthur.
Arthur, I do not
want you in my home.
Oh, that's too bad
'cause I can't leave, Maude.
You see, I told Mr. Duncan,
the new head administrator
at the hospital
that I'd be here.
He's gonna drop
some papers off for me.
See, Maude, I'm being considered
for the new head of surgery.
Now, Duncan can make or
break that appointment now
if he doesn't find me
here when he comes.
I wouldn't look right.
Look, this is not
my problem, Arthur.
I know that I cannot put
up with a whole weekend
of your archaic
views on gay people.
What's wrong with my
views on gay people?
Do you approve of homosexuals?
Arthur, it doesn't matter
whether I approve
or I disapprove.
They are human
beings, they exist.
It's like asking me if
I approve of dwarfs.
Oh, that's different.
There's no such thing
as gay dwarfs.
Come on, Arthur, you've
read "Snow White."
Seven little men
living together like that,
wake up and smell the coffee.
Oh, Maude, that's
just a fairy tale.
See?
I am talking about
the real world.
Our neighborhood
is being invaded
by a bunch of abnormal people.
So is my house.
All weekend.
Look, psychiatrists
and social scientists
cannot determine what is normal
and what is abnormal,
so how can you set
yourself up as a judge?
I don't. I'm not.
God is.
God is against gay
people, you know.
God is against gay people?
- Well, of course.
- How do you know,
was he sitting next to you in
an American Legion meeting?
Maude, it's just common sense.
If God had wanted
people to be gay,
he wouldn't have
created Adam and Eve,
he would've created
Adam and Steve.
I'll get this.
That could be Mr. Duncan.
Oh, Mr. Duncan. Please come in.
- Dr. Harmon.
- Maude,
I want you to meet our
new head administrator
at the hospital, the
brilliant Mr. Mark Duncan.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Mr. Duncan, this
is my neighbor lady,
Maude Findlay. I'd
take off your coat.
- Oh, no, no, I can't stay.
- Well, sit down.
No, no, really, I can't.
- Would you like a drink?
- No, no, no, thank you.
- I really must be going.
- Would you like to stay
for dinner?
No. Now, you see, I really...
I bet you'd like some candy.
Maude, have we got any candy?
Maybe he'd like
to spend the night?
Great idea.
Would you like to
spend the night?
No, Maude.
He doesn't wanna
spend the night.
No, no, no, please,
I just wanted to
bring you these files
you agreed to review.
I hate to impose on
your weekend, but I...
No trouble, no
trouble, I love work.
Hey, that's my big problem,
I can't stop working.
Now that's why
everybody at the hospital
is gonna be very surprised
if I'm not appointed
the new head of surgery.
Oh, yes, goodnight.
Nice meeting you.
Maude?
Do you think I was too pushy?
Not for you.
- Hubie.
- Hi, Maude,
I'm sorry to budge in like this,
but this is urgent.
Arthur, I talked
to the city attorney
but he's dragging his feet.
I knew it. This is a hot potato.
I guess we're gonna
have to give up on plan A.
Arthur, what are
you talking about?
The Fathers Against Gay Society.
Fathers Against Gay Society?
You mean FAGS?
Hubie, that's the last time
I'm gonna let you pick a name.
I think we better go back
to the Fathers
Against Smut Society.
Anyway, Hubie and I
set it up this afternoon.
The important thing is we're
gonna close down that gay bar.
And there are plenty
of laws that apply.
Laws against immoral behavior,
laws against lewd conduct...
We even have a law
here in Tuckahoe that says
no funny business.
Oh, come on, these
are all outdated laws.
Nobody invokes them anymore.
The law is the law.
This is a nation of laws.
Something with you
fuzzy-headed liberal
seem to forget.
Oh, baloney.
You just wanna persecute
people that you don't understand.
Has it ever occurred
to you that gay people
are human beings,
that they have rights?
Sure, Maude. If
it was up to you,
everybody would have rights.
Anyway, I think we
better draw the line.
We have to think
of the children.
Oh, no, what do the
children have to do with this?
What do the children
have to do with this?
Maude, what is right next
to the shopping center?
Burke Castle Avenue.
Right.
And if you go down
Burke Castle Avenue
for five blocks, what
do you come to?
The onramp to the
Tuckahoe Parkway.
Right. And if you take
the parkway for three exits,
what do you come to?
I have no idea.
Chester A. Arthur
Junior High School.
Oh, come on. Arthur,
those kids would have to take
two busses and then a
cab to get to that gay bar.
You know kids if they
want something bad enough,
they'll find it.
First, it's a gay bar.
Next, it's a gay
geography teacher.
Yeah, teaching our kids
how to get from Tuckahoe
down to Greenwich Village.
That is ridiculous.
Students do not copy the
sexual habits of their teachers.
- How do you know?
- Because in high school,
I studied with the nuns
at Our Lady of Chastity.
You know, Maude,
why do you care?
Your daughter is all grown up.
Hubie, you don't
even have children.
I have my nephew, Joseph.
My sister is divorced
so Joseph lives with
her and my mother,
and my other sister.
He's surrounded by women.
I'm the only macho image he has.
I'm weakening.
Maude, Hubie and I
care about one thing,
the good of this community.
Now, we're moving
ahead to plan B. Picketing.
If we cause a stir,
the city attorney will
have to close that bar.
Arthur, do you mean that
you would actually harass men
just for sitting
around innocently
in a neighborhood bar?
Sitting around innocently?
Are you kidding?
Why, they're in there
dancing with each other,
exchanging phone numbers,
looking at pictures
of Al Pacino.
Arthur, that is the dumbest
remark you have ever made.
Dumb? Sure.
I'm dumb, Maude, Hubie is dumb,
poor old God is dumb.
We're just a bunch of dummies.
Have you ever been
inside a gay bar?
Well, of course not.
Would you ask Clint
Eastwood that question?
No, but there is a question
I'd like to ask Clint Eastwood.
Well, that's beside the point.
Look, Arthur,
how can you continue with
this campaign of prejudice
and intolerance without even
at least visiting
The Gay Caballero?
What? You mean go inside?
Well, of course.
Arthur, I'll go with you.
Let's do it tomorrow afternoon
- late for cocktails.
- Okay. Okay.
And I'm sure you will be shocked
when you see what
goes on in that place.
Oh, Arthur, you are wrong.
You're gonna find out
that all your preconceptions
about what goes on
in there are totally false.
Oh, Maude, what
does go on in there?
I have no idea but
I'm dying to find out.
Uh-huh. Well,
don't worry about it.
He can meet you there.
Okay.
Hey, Walter,
do you think this jacket
is too butch for a gay bar?
No, I don't think so.
Where's Maude?
Oh, that was her on the phone.
Arthur, she's hanged
up at the office
and she wants you to meet her
at The Gay Caballero at 6:00.
To meet her there?
Well, I'm certainly not going
into The Gay Caballero alone.
Arthur, relax. Come on.
Look on it as an
interesting experience,
a little adventure,
maybe a whole new life.
Walter, if you think
this is so funny,
you come with me.
Me? Now, this is
between you and Maude.
I don't have to go to
The Gay Caballero.
The Gay Caballero?
Ixnay, the kid.
Yeah, hi Phillip,
The Gay Caballero,
that's a Mexican restaurant.
They serve tacos,
enchiladas, tamales.
Boy, those gay people only
go for that spicy food, huh?
You mean, you know
about that place?
Sure. Why are you going there?
Well, well, well, I
have to check it out.
I'm the head of a group
who wants that place closed.
Why do you wanna close it?
All right, Phillip,
I guess you're old enough
to understand a few facts.
Now, the first fact is
gay people are,
well, they're sick.
They have sort of a disease.
Is it a contagious disease?
Is that why you
wanna close the bar?
No, it's not too
contagious really.
But you see, gay people
shouldn't be out at the bar
having a good time.
They should be at home alone,
being ashamed that they're gay,
trying to get cured.
What's the cure for being gay?
Bowling.
- Bowling?
- Well, it's a start.
See, these gay guys have to
start doing something manly.
That's how... what's...
What brings them around.
I thought you didn't
want them around?
Phillip, I seem to be
having trouble getting you
to understand the
danger of this gay bar.
What's wrong? I've always used
to be able to
communicate with you.
Oh, it's not your
fault, Dr. Harmon,
it's just that this
year in school,
I'm taking a course in logic.
Smart aleck kid.
Walter, that's exactly the
reason you should come
to The Gay Caballero with me.
Now, come on.
You have got to protect
Phillip against this pernicious,
insidious sickness.
Couldn't I just buy
him a bowling ball?
Look at these people.
It's disgusting.
I wish all their mothers
would walk in here right now.
What's wrong with them?
They look all right to me.
All right to you?
You don't think they
look like us, do you?
Well, that guy sure does,
he's wearing the
same jacket you are.
Well, he's probably just
trying not to look like a sissy.
Come on.
Good evening,
guys. What will it be?
- Uh, uh, uh...
- Wait a minute.
I'll be... I'll be right back.
Well, did you see
that bartender?
He's a flaming queen.
Are you kidding?
He looks tough to me.
Tough?
Did you get a look at his apron?
Now, what can I do for you?
Bourbon, Bourbon
on the rocks, please.
And you?
Well, I don't drink.
I'll have an orange juice.
We don't serve
orange juice anymore.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, sorry,
I've been out of town.
Make that a diet ginger ale.
All right. I haven't seen
you boys in here before.
No, this is our first time.
Oh, well, don't be strangers.
We have a very
nice place in here.
In fact, there's a nice
bunch of guys in here.
If you like to bowl, we're
getting a league together.
Hello, everybody.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
I was held up by a client.
Vodka and tonic, please.
Okay. Just as I thought.
The place is very respectable.
Quite, customers well-behaved.
The only thing I
find objectionable
is that man's
tasteless sport coat.
Thank you.
Well, this place is
perfectly respectable, Arthur,
we can call off your pickets.
Oh, no. This doesn't fool me.
It's still early yet.
I know these types,
after a few Martinis,
they'll all start acting gay.
After a few Martinis,
Anita Bryant would start
acting gay.
So, I said, look, if you think
TeleTax is such a hot stock,
why don't you buy a
couple thousand shares?
Good, I'm glad you told him.
Walter? Did you see that?
My God, they're holding hands.
Arthur, would you take
your hand off my husband?
I told you that sort of
thing goes on in here.
It's no big deal.
So, they were holding hands.
Look, excuse me, I got
to go to the men's room.
I'm dying to find out what
they write on their walls.
Arthur, it should be
perfectly obvious to you
that with the exception of
their sexual preferences,
every man here is
exactly like you and Walter.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm gonna prove it to
you. Let's talk to them.
Maude.
Excuse me, I just wanted to
get some of these yummies.
Yummies?
Oh, you mean
the cocktail franks.
Did you see that, Maude?
A grown man saying yummies
when he's talking about weenies.
That is disgusting.
Excuse me.
My name is Maude Findlay.
I hate to intrude
on your privacy
and I don't want you to think
that I'm some
frivolous sightseer
just looking for cheap thrills,
but are you a gay person?
Bingo.
Good, I knew it.
Arthur, we're in
luck, I found one.
I mean, I mean someone
who will talk to us.
Could I borrow you for a moment?
I won't keep him long.
Arthur, come
along, let's sit down.
- Maude.
- Sit down, here.
Let me try to
explain the situation.
You see, I am a liberal
but my friend here is a,
what's the word
for non-liberal, bigot.
I want him to learn through
simple human dialogue
that you and your friend
are just like everybody else.
Arthur, talk to him.
All right. If you
insist on this, Maude,
all right.
You see, I believe
very strongly that people
who indulge in
strange sexual behavior
have no place in this community.
I see your point, but
you straight people
have to live someplace.
See, my friend here
has been trying to tell me
that aside from
sexual preferences,
there's no difference
between you and I.
And I object to
that very strongly.
So do I.
If you'll excuse me, I'd
like to get back to my date.
Now you see, Arthur,
that wasn't so terrible.
No matter what you say, Maude,
these gay people
should not be on display.
They should be
hidden away someplace
where decent human beings
aren't forced to look at them.
Like in a gay bar?
Yes. No.
The fact remains
that there are laws
that prohibit places like this
and this one should
be close down.
Oh, come on. You don't care
anything about the law.
You just wanna
persecute people whom
you think are
different than you.
How about another round?
Absolutely not.
We have picket signs.
We are gonna close
down this den of iniquity.
You are violating three
Tuckahoe ordinances.
I know, that's why we didn't
open this bar in Tuckahoe.
What?
The Tuckahoe City limits
is right across the street,
we're just over the line.
So, you can take your
signs and the picket.
Good gravy. It's legal.
This terrible place is legal.
Yeah, but that
shouldn't stop you
and your vigilantes
from coming over here,
smashing windows,
beating up a few people.
As a matter of fact,
I'd like to see you
and that bartender
go one on one.
Oh, come on, Maude,
we're not even gonna picket.
- You're not?
- Well, of course not.
I believe in the law and
if you believe in the law,
you don't go around
breaking the law.
Let's go home.
You know, Arthur, for a man
whom I've always thought
was utterly predictable,
you are full of surprises.
You really believed in the law,
Arthur, I'm proud to
have you as my friend.
You are?
That's right.
You're a man of
principle, Arthur.
Now, you're prejudiced,
you're bigoted,
God knows you're dumb, but...
you are a man of principle.
You know something, Maude,
I am going to take
that as a compliment.
Oh.
Hey you, two, none
of that stuff in here.
I better try to get Walter
out of the men's room.
He sometimes dozes off.
I'll get the check.
- Dr. Harmon?
- Ah. Oh.
Mr. Duncan?
Oh, you must... you must
be wondering what I'm doing
in a place like this.
Well, it's easy to explain.
I mean, I know for one
thing I'm here with a woman,
Maude Findlay, you remember.
And for another thing...
Arthur, Arthur, it's all right.
We'll just make
this our little secret.
Howie, I'll have the usual.
Arthur? Arthur?
Yoo-hoo, Arthur?
Maude, the Harmons moved
back to their house this morning.
Why are you calling Arthur?
Because it's so nice
not to hear him answer.
You know, you could
have been a little nicer
when they were leaving.
Walter, how could
I have been nicer?
I even carried
out their luggage.
Did you have to sing
♪ Happy days are here again ♪
All right. All right.
All right. Maybe I did overdo it
but the important thing
is that Arthur is gone.
I can call his name,
Arthur, Arthur.
What is it, Maudie?
Arthur?
I have to use your phone.
I'm gonna protest to the
Immigration Department
about their disgraceful
treatment of illegal aliens.
Arthur, you are
defending illegal aliens,
this is quite a turnaround.
The company that
fumigated our house
hired illegal aliens.
They were all
arrested this morning.
- That's terrible.
- I'll say it is.
It's another three days
to fumigate the house
and I have to pay another $800
because they brought
in union workers.
Three days?
Where are you
and Viv gonna stay?
Oh, Maude, I can't tell
you how sweet this is of you.
And I got a few things to
say about union workers too.
Workers' rights and all that,
I say this country
would be better off
if there was no such
thing as a minimum wage.
I say a day's work
for a day's pay.
"Maude" was recorded on
video tape before a live audience.
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
Walter, how could
you, how could you,
how could you invite
the Harmons over
to stay with us for three days?
Maude, their house
is being fumigated.
If their house is being
fumigated, why is Arthur leaving?
He's the biggest pest they have.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I just can never forgive
Arthur for those stupid
remarks he made last night
about illegal aliens.
Ah, Maude, he means well.
Means well?
I will not have a man
in my house who says
that throwing illegal
aliens into a van
and driving them
back across the border
is fun trucking.
Maude, now you're upset.
Now, calm down and listen to me.
Now, listen Maude, I
know Arthur Harmon
for over 30 years
and in that time,
you learn a lot about a man.
And I think that's something
you should know right now.
If you're not careful,
Arthur can get on your nerves.
Oh, Walter, Walter,
Walter, Walter,
do you know what you are?
I'm lost in a long dark tunnel.
Suddenly, I see a bright light
at the end of that tunnel.
You are that light, Walter.
A light I rushed toward,
it gets closer and closer
until there it is.
It's a train coming at me.
All right, Maude, I'm
sorry I invited the Harmons,
but they're our best
friends, what could I do?
Well, if you had any
decency, you would have said
that we've had a sudden
death in the family.
And then kill yourself.
Oh, oh, Maude, this
is just so sweet of you.
Vivian, let me give you a hand.
Oh, thank you, Walter.
I wonder if Arthur needs
a hand with his luggage.
This is his luggage.
Make sure to go up
to the guest room.
Look, Vivian, I'm
going to level with you,
there is no way that I
can take a whole weekend
of Arthur's narrow-minded
conservative ravings.
Maude, I'm just so
sorry about last night,
but try to understand.
Now, Arthur has just
been a little edgy lately,
you know, there's a
new administrator over
at the hospital and
Arthur is being considered
for head of surgery.
Now, that is a great idea
because nobody needs
head surgery more than Arthur.
Maude, I talked to
Arthur and I told him
not to say anything
controversial while we're here.
- Oh, come on, Viv.
- No, really, I did.
I sat him down and I said,
"Now, Arthur, under
no circumstances
do I want you even
to hint at any subject
that could possibly
cause an argument
between you and Maude."
That's what I said to Arthur.
I hope you're satisfied,
Maude Findlay.
A bunch of homosexual pansies
had just opened a
gay bar in Tuckahoe.
And what did Arthur say?
He said he'd think about it.
There's a new place
in the shopping center.
I thought it was a
Mexican restaurant.
I mean, they call it
The Gay Caballeros.
And then somebody told me today
they don't even
serve food there.
It's a bar and all the
caballeros are gay.
Look, Vivian, I forgot to
bring over my shaving kit,
would you run that
upstairs for me, please?
Oh.
Arthur, you're upsetting Maude.
Do you remember
what we talked about,
about nothing controversial?
Look, Maude,
I am upset about this gay bar
in the neighborhood.
And I'll admit
I'm gonna be
talking about it a lot.
It was very nice of you
to ask us to stay here
but I think we
better clear the air.
Now, if my being here is
gonna cause any trouble,
any trouble at all, I want
you to say so right now.
I think it's going to
cause a lot of trouble.
All right. Now that
we've cleared the air,
Vivian, you can take
that shaving kit upstairs.
Now, let me tell you what we're
gonna do about this gay bar.
I don't wanna hear
about it, Arthur.
Look, I don't think
you understand.
I cannot put up with
three days of this, Arthur.
Arthur, I do not
want you in my home.
Oh, that's too bad
'cause I can't leave, Maude.
You see, I told Mr. Duncan,
the new head administrator
at the hospital
that I'd be here.
He's gonna drop
some papers off for me.
See, Maude, I'm being considered
for the new head of surgery.
Now, Duncan can make or
break that appointment now
if he doesn't find me
here when he comes.
I wouldn't look right.
Look, this is not
my problem, Arthur.
I know that I cannot put
up with a whole weekend
of your archaic
views on gay people.
What's wrong with my
views on gay people?
Do you approve of homosexuals?
Arthur, it doesn't matter
whether I approve
or I disapprove.
They are human
beings, they exist.
It's like asking me if
I approve of dwarfs.
Oh, that's different.
There's no such thing
as gay dwarfs.
Come on, Arthur, you've
read "Snow White."
Seven little men
living together like that,
wake up and smell the coffee.
Oh, Maude, that's
just a fairy tale.
See?
I am talking about
the real world.
Our neighborhood
is being invaded
by a bunch of abnormal people.
So is my house.
All weekend.
Look, psychiatrists
and social scientists
cannot determine what is normal
and what is abnormal,
so how can you set
yourself up as a judge?
I don't. I'm not.
God is.
God is against gay
people, you know.
God is against gay people?
- Well, of course.
- How do you know,
was he sitting next to you in
an American Legion meeting?
Maude, it's just common sense.
If God had wanted
people to be gay,
he wouldn't have
created Adam and Eve,
he would've created
Adam and Steve.
I'll get this.
That could be Mr. Duncan.
Oh, Mr. Duncan. Please come in.
- Dr. Harmon.
- Maude,
I want you to meet our
new head administrator
at the hospital, the
brilliant Mr. Mark Duncan.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Mr. Duncan, this
is my neighbor lady,
Maude Findlay. I'd
take off your coat.
- Oh, no, no, I can't stay.
- Well, sit down.
No, no, really, I can't.
- Would you like a drink?
- No, no, no, thank you.
- I really must be going.
- Would you like to stay
for dinner?
No. Now, you see, I really...
I bet you'd like some candy.
Maude, have we got any candy?
Maybe he'd like
to spend the night?
Great idea.
Would you like to
spend the night?
No, Maude.
He doesn't wanna
spend the night.
No, no, no, please,
I just wanted to
bring you these files
you agreed to review.
I hate to impose on
your weekend, but I...
No trouble, no
trouble, I love work.
Hey, that's my big problem,
I can't stop working.
Now that's why
everybody at the hospital
is gonna be very surprised
if I'm not appointed
the new head of surgery.
Oh, yes, goodnight.
Nice meeting you.
Maude?
Do you think I was too pushy?
Not for you.
- Hubie.
- Hi, Maude,
I'm sorry to budge in like this,
but this is urgent.
Arthur, I talked
to the city attorney
but he's dragging his feet.
I knew it. This is a hot potato.
I guess we're gonna
have to give up on plan A.
Arthur, what are
you talking about?
The Fathers Against Gay Society.
Fathers Against Gay Society?
You mean FAGS?
Hubie, that's the last time
I'm gonna let you pick a name.
I think we better go back
to the Fathers
Against Smut Society.
Anyway, Hubie and I
set it up this afternoon.
The important thing is we're
gonna close down that gay bar.
And there are plenty
of laws that apply.
Laws against immoral behavior,
laws against lewd conduct...
We even have a law
here in Tuckahoe that says
no funny business.
Oh, come on, these
are all outdated laws.
Nobody invokes them anymore.
The law is the law.
This is a nation of laws.
Something with you
fuzzy-headed liberal
seem to forget.
Oh, baloney.
You just wanna persecute
people that you don't understand.
Has it ever occurred
to you that gay people
are human beings,
that they have rights?
Sure, Maude. If
it was up to you,
everybody would have rights.
Anyway, I think we
better draw the line.
We have to think
of the children.
Oh, no, what do the
children have to do with this?
What do the children
have to do with this?
Maude, what is right next
to the shopping center?
Burke Castle Avenue.
Right.
And if you go down
Burke Castle Avenue
for five blocks, what
do you come to?
The onramp to the
Tuckahoe Parkway.
Right. And if you take
the parkway for three exits,
what do you come to?
I have no idea.
Chester A. Arthur
Junior High School.
Oh, come on. Arthur,
those kids would have to take
two busses and then a
cab to get to that gay bar.
You know kids if they
want something bad enough,
they'll find it.
First, it's a gay bar.
Next, it's a gay
geography teacher.
Yeah, teaching our kids
how to get from Tuckahoe
down to Greenwich Village.
That is ridiculous.
Students do not copy the
sexual habits of their teachers.
- How do you know?
- Because in high school,
I studied with the nuns
at Our Lady of Chastity.
You know, Maude,
why do you care?
Your daughter is all grown up.
Hubie, you don't
even have children.
I have my nephew, Joseph.
My sister is divorced
so Joseph lives with
her and my mother,
and my other sister.
He's surrounded by women.
I'm the only macho image he has.
I'm weakening.
Maude, Hubie and I
care about one thing,
the good of this community.
Now, we're moving
ahead to plan B. Picketing.
If we cause a stir,
the city attorney will
have to close that bar.
Arthur, do you mean that
you would actually harass men
just for sitting
around innocently
in a neighborhood bar?
Sitting around innocently?
Are you kidding?
Why, they're in there
dancing with each other,
exchanging phone numbers,
looking at pictures
of Al Pacino.
Arthur, that is the dumbest
remark you have ever made.
Dumb? Sure.
I'm dumb, Maude, Hubie is dumb,
poor old God is dumb.
We're just a bunch of dummies.
Have you ever been
inside a gay bar?
Well, of course not.
Would you ask Clint
Eastwood that question?
No, but there is a question
I'd like to ask Clint Eastwood.
Well, that's beside the point.
Look, Arthur,
how can you continue with
this campaign of prejudice
and intolerance without even
at least visiting
The Gay Caballero?
What? You mean go inside?
Well, of course.
Arthur, I'll go with you.
Let's do it tomorrow afternoon
- late for cocktails.
- Okay. Okay.
And I'm sure you will be shocked
when you see what
goes on in that place.
Oh, Arthur, you are wrong.
You're gonna find out
that all your preconceptions
about what goes on
in there are totally false.
Oh, Maude, what
does go on in there?
I have no idea but
I'm dying to find out.
Uh-huh. Well,
don't worry about it.
He can meet you there.
Okay.
Hey, Walter,
do you think this jacket
is too butch for a gay bar?
No, I don't think so.
Where's Maude?
Oh, that was her on the phone.
Arthur, she's hanged
up at the office
and she wants you to meet her
at The Gay Caballero at 6:00.
To meet her there?
Well, I'm certainly not going
into The Gay Caballero alone.
Arthur, relax. Come on.
Look on it as an
interesting experience,
a little adventure,
maybe a whole new life.
Walter, if you think
this is so funny,
you come with me.
Me? Now, this is
between you and Maude.
I don't have to go to
The Gay Caballero.
The Gay Caballero?
Ixnay, the kid.
Yeah, hi Phillip,
The Gay Caballero,
that's a Mexican restaurant.
They serve tacos,
enchiladas, tamales.
Boy, those gay people only
go for that spicy food, huh?
You mean, you know
about that place?
Sure. Why are you going there?
Well, well, well, I
have to check it out.
I'm the head of a group
who wants that place closed.
Why do you wanna close it?
All right, Phillip,
I guess you're old enough
to understand a few facts.
Now, the first fact is
gay people are,
well, they're sick.
They have sort of a disease.
Is it a contagious disease?
Is that why you
wanna close the bar?
No, it's not too
contagious really.
But you see, gay people
shouldn't be out at the bar
having a good time.
They should be at home alone,
being ashamed that they're gay,
trying to get cured.
What's the cure for being gay?
Bowling.
- Bowling?
- Well, it's a start.
See, these gay guys have to
start doing something manly.
That's how... what's...
What brings them around.
I thought you didn't
want them around?
Phillip, I seem to be
having trouble getting you
to understand the
danger of this gay bar.
What's wrong? I've always used
to be able to
communicate with you.
Oh, it's not your
fault, Dr. Harmon,
it's just that this
year in school,
I'm taking a course in logic.
Smart aleck kid.
Walter, that's exactly the
reason you should come
to The Gay Caballero with me.
Now, come on.
You have got to protect
Phillip against this pernicious,
insidious sickness.
Couldn't I just buy
him a bowling ball?
Look at these people.
It's disgusting.
I wish all their mothers
would walk in here right now.
What's wrong with them?
They look all right to me.
All right to you?
You don't think they
look like us, do you?
Well, that guy sure does,
he's wearing the
same jacket you are.
Well, he's probably just
trying not to look like a sissy.
Come on.
Good evening,
guys. What will it be?
- Uh, uh, uh...
- Wait a minute.
I'll be... I'll be right back.
Well, did you see
that bartender?
He's a flaming queen.
Are you kidding?
He looks tough to me.
Tough?
Did you get a look at his apron?
Now, what can I do for you?
Bourbon, Bourbon
on the rocks, please.
And you?
Well, I don't drink.
I'll have an orange juice.
We don't serve
orange juice anymore.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, sorry,
I've been out of town.
Make that a diet ginger ale.
All right. I haven't seen
you boys in here before.
No, this is our first time.
Oh, well, don't be strangers.
We have a very
nice place in here.
In fact, there's a nice
bunch of guys in here.
If you like to bowl, we're
getting a league together.
Hello, everybody.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
I was held up by a client.
Vodka and tonic, please.
Okay. Just as I thought.
The place is very respectable.
Quite, customers well-behaved.
The only thing I
find objectionable
is that man's
tasteless sport coat.
Thank you.
Well, this place is
perfectly respectable, Arthur,
we can call off your pickets.
Oh, no. This doesn't fool me.
It's still early yet.
I know these types,
after a few Martinis,
they'll all start acting gay.
After a few Martinis,
Anita Bryant would start
acting gay.
So, I said, look, if you think
TeleTax is such a hot stock,
why don't you buy a
couple thousand shares?
Good, I'm glad you told him.
Walter? Did you see that?
My God, they're holding hands.
Arthur, would you take
your hand off my husband?
I told you that sort of
thing goes on in here.
It's no big deal.
So, they were holding hands.
Look, excuse me, I got
to go to the men's room.
I'm dying to find out what
they write on their walls.
Arthur, it should be
perfectly obvious to you
that with the exception of
their sexual preferences,
every man here is
exactly like you and Walter.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm gonna prove it to
you. Let's talk to them.
Maude.
Excuse me, I just wanted to
get some of these yummies.
Yummies?
Oh, you mean
the cocktail franks.
Did you see that, Maude?
A grown man saying yummies
when he's talking about weenies.
That is disgusting.
Excuse me.
My name is Maude Findlay.
I hate to intrude
on your privacy
and I don't want you to think
that I'm some
frivolous sightseer
just looking for cheap thrills,
but are you a gay person?
Bingo.
Good, I knew it.
Arthur, we're in
luck, I found one.
I mean, I mean someone
who will talk to us.
Could I borrow you for a moment?
I won't keep him long.
Arthur, come
along, let's sit down.
- Maude.
- Sit down, here.
Let me try to
explain the situation.
You see, I am a liberal
but my friend here is a,
what's the word
for non-liberal, bigot.
I want him to learn through
simple human dialogue
that you and your friend
are just like everybody else.
Arthur, talk to him.
All right. If you
insist on this, Maude,
all right.
You see, I believe
very strongly that people
who indulge in
strange sexual behavior
have no place in this community.
I see your point, but
you straight people
have to live someplace.
See, my friend here
has been trying to tell me
that aside from
sexual preferences,
there's no difference
between you and I.
And I object to
that very strongly.
So do I.
If you'll excuse me, I'd
like to get back to my date.
Now you see, Arthur,
that wasn't so terrible.
No matter what you say, Maude,
these gay people
should not be on display.
They should be
hidden away someplace
where decent human beings
aren't forced to look at them.
Like in a gay bar?
Yes. No.
The fact remains
that there are laws
that prohibit places like this
and this one should
be close down.
Oh, come on. You don't care
anything about the law.
You just wanna
persecute people whom
you think are
different than you.
How about another round?
Absolutely not.
We have picket signs.
We are gonna close
down this den of iniquity.
You are violating three
Tuckahoe ordinances.
I know, that's why we didn't
open this bar in Tuckahoe.
What?
The Tuckahoe City limits
is right across the street,
we're just over the line.
So, you can take your
signs and the picket.
Good gravy. It's legal.
This terrible place is legal.
Yeah, but that
shouldn't stop you
and your vigilantes
from coming over here,
smashing windows,
beating up a few people.
As a matter of fact,
I'd like to see you
and that bartender
go one on one.
Oh, come on, Maude,
we're not even gonna picket.
- You're not?
- Well, of course not.
I believe in the law and
if you believe in the law,
you don't go around
breaking the law.
Let's go home.
You know, Arthur, for a man
whom I've always thought
was utterly predictable,
you are full of surprises.
You really believed in the law,
Arthur, I'm proud to
have you as my friend.
You are?
That's right.
You're a man of
principle, Arthur.
Now, you're prejudiced,
you're bigoted,
God knows you're dumb, but...
you are a man of principle.
You know something, Maude,
I am going to take
that as a compliment.
Oh.
Hey you, two, none
of that stuff in here.
I better try to get Walter
out of the men's room.
He sometimes dozes off.
I'll get the check.
- Dr. Harmon?
- Ah. Oh.
Mr. Duncan?
Oh, you must... you must
be wondering what I'm doing
in a place like this.
Well, it's easy to explain.
I mean, I know for one
thing I'm here with a woman,
Maude Findlay, you remember.
And for another thing...
Arthur, Arthur, it's all right.
We'll just make
this our little secret.
Howie, I'll have the usual.
Arthur? Arthur?
Yoo-hoo, Arthur?
Maude, the Harmons moved
back to their house this morning.
Why are you calling Arthur?
Because it's so nice
not to hear him answer.
You know, you could
have been a little nicer
when they were leaving.
Walter, how could
I have been nicer?
I even carried
out their luggage.
Did you have to sing
♪ Happy days are here again ♪
All right. All right.
All right. Maybe I did overdo it
but the important thing
is that Arthur is gone.
I can call his name,
Arthur, Arthur.
What is it, Maudie?
Arthur?
I have to use your phone.
I'm gonna protest to the
Immigration Department
about their disgraceful
treatment of illegal aliens.
Arthur, you are
defending illegal aliens,
this is quite a turnaround.
The company that
fumigated our house
hired illegal aliens.
They were all
arrested this morning.
- That's terrible.
- I'll say it is.
It's another three days
to fumigate the house
and I have to pay another $800
because they brought
in union workers.
Three days?
Where are you
and Viv gonna stay?
Oh, Maude, I can't tell
you how sweet this is of you.
And I got a few things to
say about union workers too.
Workers' rights and all that,
I say this country
would be better off
if there was no such
thing as a minimum wage.
I say a day's work
for a day's pay.
"Maude" was recorded on
video tape before a live audience.
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪