Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 8 - The Ecologist - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude! ♪

Ah!

OK, let's see.

Rock Cornish hen.

Chicken breasts and thighs.

Turkey legs and claws.

Turkey legs and slaw!

Too bad - I was in the
mood for a claw tonight.

Hi, Walter.

Viv! Arthur!

Hey, old buddy. Is Maude home? We thought
we'd play a little bridge after dinner.

Oh, don't count on it. I don't even
think Maude's coming home to dinner.

I told Arthur she'd
probably be late.



She still had a lot
of work this afternoon

when I left her
with Perry Flannery.

Yeah.

The ecology project is complicated, it's
not easy getting rid of tons of garbage.

Mother Wiggins found
a way - she freezes it!

You mean Maude's leaving you home
alone again tonight with a TV dinner?

Ooh, turkey legs and
claws - I love them!

This must be the fifth
night in a row! It's terrible!

I can't stand the thought of
my best friend eating by himself.

- Come over to our house,
I'm gonna buy you dinner. OK?
- OK.

Good, but remember we're eating at
that fancy French restaurant tonight.

Oh.

Walter, get on that phone and get
your wife back here in the kitchen.

She's spent enough time
with that ecology clown.

Arthur, Perry
Flannery is not a clown.

He was sent here all the way from
Washington by the United States Government,

of which Jimmy
Carter is the President.

Now there's a clown.

I want my wife!
I'm gonna call her.

What's that phone number?

Walter, you're being selfish.

Maude and Perry are
doing very important work -

they're cleaning up
the Hudson River.

Who cares about
the Hudson River?

Why, Walter, shame on you!

Perry Flannery told me
that one gallon of water

from the Hudson River
would kill two white mice.

Well, they shouldn't go
swimming in the deep end!

It's not a joke.

Perry knows what he's
talking about, he's an expert.

So far he's just an expert
on working late with my wife!

Walter Findlay,
you're just jealous

because Perry's
young and attractive.

Vivian, you've known
me for a long time -

do you think I'm a jealous man?

Yes!

Arthur, you've been my
friend for over 30 years.

Do you think I'm a jealous man?

Yes.

You see?

Everybody knows
I'm a jealous man!

Why is Maude putting
me through this?!

Walter, if you're this upset, call
Flannery's office, tell Maude to come home.

If Flannery had an office, I wouldn't be
this upset, he works out of a motel room!

A motel room?

You mean your wife is in a
motel room with a man and a bed?

And Magic Fingers!

You two are making this
whole thing sound risque.

You don't have to
worry about Maude -

I've spent a lot of time alone with
Perry, he's a perfect gentleman.

Vivian, a married woman should not
be alone in a room with a man and a bed.

Arthur...

Unless she's a nurse.
And he's in traction.

Arthur.

- And the door's open.
- Arthur!

And they're expecting
a priest at any moment.

Arthur!

Hello, everybody!

Maude... where have you been?

I stopped to have a drink with
Perry. Look what he gave me.

He said even though
I'm working on pollution,

I always come up smelling
like a rose. Isn't that sweet?

Perry Flannery! I'm
sick of Perry Flannery!

I never wanna hear the
name Perry Flannery again!

Here's Perry!

Hi, everybody.

Well, well, well!

Isn't this a small,
polluted world?

We were just talking about you.

All good things, I hope.

Don't you wish.

Oh, by the way, Viv,

here's that quarter you lent me
for the Magic Fingers machine.

You loaned him a
quarter for Magic Fingers?

Walter, I'm sorry I'm so late,

but Perry had to
check out of his motel.

You checked out of your motel?

Right.

Hey! Well, listen, I'll
drive you to the airport.

No, wait, Walter.

Perry isn't going to the
airport, he's moving in with us.

I offered him the
apartment over the garage.

That is if it's no
inconvenience for you, Walter.

No inconvenience at all.
Walter just loves people.

He talks to them all the time.

Viv, can you lend me a
couple of extra pillowcases?

Oh, sure.

Maude, that reminds
me of this morning,

when the maid came in
to change the pillowcases.

The look on her face when
she saw us typing in the shower.

You see, Perry's
desk was so cluttered...

Well, you had to be there.

Walter, why don't you take
Perry's bag up to the apartment,

then we can all
have dinner together.

Go out the back door,
take a right at the garbage.

Walter, help him!

If we're having
guests for dinner,

I gotta defrost some
more turkey claws.

That's OK, that's
OK, I'll find it.

No, Perry, I'll show you.

No, I'll show him, Maude.

You better follow them,
keep an eye on them, Walter.

Don't be ridiculous.

Perry, Vivian will show you

and I'll be up in a minute
with some bedding.

Thanks a lot, Maude.

What is he doing here?

Sit down.

I wanna tell you a little story that may
help you in dealing with the situation.

And they lived
happily ever after!

No, actually, Walter,
it was my idea.

I figured it's ridiculous for Perry to
be spending $30 a day for that motel.

Especially when we have the
empty apartment over the garage.

So I helped him pack,
and he checked out.

You helped him pack?

Yes.

Did you pack his underwear?

- Walter...
- You handled
another man's shorts?!

Walter, what is wrong with you?!

Everybody knows what's
wrong with me: I'm a jealous man!

Maude, why are you
putting me through this?!

Maude, I've never
seen Walter so jealous.

And Perry's such a gentleman!

Vivian, sit down.

Let me explain something.

You see, there are
certain situations

where a young man falls
for the sensual maturity

of a ravishing older woman.

What's that got to do
with you and Perry?

Vivian, you're in
over your head.

That's true.

Vivian, can you keep a secret?

Vivian, Perry did not give me that
rose because he admires my intellect.

I think he has the hots for me.

Maude, no!

Oh, I won't breathe
a word to anyone.

You can... You can tell two,
maybe three girls at the club.

Are you sure, Maude?

Vivian, come in out of the rain!

I mean, Vivian, don't you see?

It's perfectly understandable

that a young man
and an older woman

would... be a perfect match.

Because, well, it's
common knowledge

that a woman's sensuality
continues to thrive

and to grow as we get older,

while men poop out early.

Yeah, I know about that.

With Arthur it's
usually around 9:30.

Vivian, Vivian, you don't
know how lucky you are.

You're not at all like me.
You're simple and sweet.

While I, on the other hand,
no matter how I fight it,

I enflame passion
in younger men.

You know, I always
have to be terribly careful

what I wear when I
go to the supermarket

so I don't turn on the box boys.

Gosh, that must be a
terrible burden for you, Maude.

You have no idea how
awesome that burden is.

But... I can handle it.

Vivian, why don't you run on
home and get me those pillowcases?

Oh, yeah, sure, Maude.

Boy, I hope I never enflame
passion in a younger man.

I don't think I could handle it.

Vivian, you don't have to worry.

Nature has a way of
protecting the bland.

Thank you.

That makes me feel a lot safer.

Maude.

I want to apologize.

I... I didn't mean
to blow up like that.

It's just that I'm
a little insecure.

Perry is so young, so
good looking and so virile.

Walter, Walter,

there's only one man
in this world I love.

You.

Now, honey, if you'll excuse me,

I really have to fix
up Perry's room.

Listen, Walter, if
you were smart,

you would not stand
around here and mope,

you would go out
to an oyster bar.

Perry?

- Come in.
- I thought I'd make up
your bed for you.

- Oh, thanks, Maude.
- What's all that?

Just some things I need to wash.
Is there a Laundromat nearby?

Oh, don't be silly! I'll
be glad to do it for you.

Really, Maude, I
don't think you should.

I mean, I'm beginning to think it
was a mistake to move in here.

Why?

Well, your husband
doesn't seem too thrilled

about our spending
so much time together.

Don't mind Walter,
he's just being silly.

He'll probably have forgotten
the whole thing by tomorrow.

Well, Maude, I
can't blame Walter.

I am occasionally
attracted to an older woman.

I sometimes find
them... sensual, uh...

- Ravishing?
- Right.

Well, that's true.

I mean, just because
there's snow on the roof

doesn't mean that there
isn't a fire in the furnace.

Seriously, though, Maude, don't you think
maybe I better move back to the motel?

Oh, nonsense. You'll be
much more comfortable here.

Although, I hope I'm
not speaking too soon.

As I remember, this bed
isn't all that comfortable.

Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine.

Ah, see, it's very comfortable.

- Are you sure, Perry?
- Yeah. See for yourself.

- Yeah, it's fine.
- Yeah.

Would you believe we're
testing a new ride for Disneyland?

Actually, we were just
testing the mattress.

I mean we wanted to see if it was as
comfortable as the one in the motel.

I mean...

Actually, I came up
to say I was sorry.

Oh, Walter, that's sweet.

Perry, I'm really sorry
you moved in here.

You little cut-up!

Anything for a laugh.

May I come in?

Oh, Viv, thanks
for the pillowcases.

- Honey, would you mind
making up the bed?
- Oh, sure, Maude.

Come along, I want
to tell you a little story.

Ooh! Oh!

I don't think Walter's too
happy about my moving in here.

He's a little jealous.
I think he's silly.

He's not all that silly.
As I said to Maude,

there's no reason a younger
man can't be attracted to a...

sensual, ravishing,
mature woman.

I know, but you
didn't move in here

just to be close
to Maude, did you?

- No.
- You moved in here to save
$30 a day, didn't you?

No.

No?

Vivian, would you like to
know why I moved in here?

Wh...

Why?

- And another thing.
- What?

You never do my laundry!
You always send it out!

So why are you
doing his laundry?

Just call it
Southern hospitality.

What are you talking about?
You're not from the South.

No, but his shorts are.

See? 'Beauregard
Mills, Ashcroft, Georgia'.

That's Carter country.

I don't think that's funny,
Maude. And you know why?

'Cause I think you're
really attracted to this guy!

Walter, you're being ridiculous.

Be honest, Maude -

if he were a balding,
paunchy, middle-aged guy,

would you invite
him to live here?

Why should I? I already
have one of those.

Admit it, you're turned on!

All right. All right, I
admit it, I am turned on!

But not by Perry Flannery.

I'm turned on by the fact

that Perry Flannery
is turned on by me.

Walter, I'm flattered.

I mean, in all of Tuckahoe,

how many women
are in that position?

I'm probably the only one.

Walter, you should
be proud of me.

I'm proud of my country.

I'm proud of my flag.

I'm proud of my war record.

Call me crazy, but
I'm certainly not proud

that a younger
man is after my wife!

If you can be proud of your war
record, you can be proud of me.

Walter, nothing's
going to happen.

Oh, honey, at least
allow me my little fantasy.

It's just a fantasy?

Just a fantasy.

Well, if that's all it is,
then there's no problem.

But remember, Maude,
fantasies are for kids.

They're foolish! Silly
for people of our age

to have fantasies.

Say, Walter, you wanna
watch "Wonder Woman"?

"Wonder Woman" - hey, dynamite!

You just said
fantasies are foolish,

now you're drooling
all over yourself

because Arthur
mentioned Wonder Woman.

Where's Vivian?

She's helping me
fix up Perry's room.

You better watch it, Arthur.

The next thing you know,
Perry will be after Vivian.

Come on, Walter!

Can you imagine any
woman cheating on me?

Easily.

Walter, don't start
making Arthur jealous.

He has nothing to worry about.

We're talking about Vivian
- the sweetest, kindest,

most generous,
bland person we know.

Arthur! Oh...

Oh, Vivian, there you are.

I guess I really am a lucky guy.

My little cupcake never
gives me any cause

to worry about another man.

Why?

What?

Come on, Arthur, we still have time to
see the tail-end of "Wonder Woman."

Maude. Maude!

Um... About Perry.

Um...

Yes, Vivian?

Well, there's something
I should tell you,

because you are
my dearest friend.

B-B-But I don't wanna tell you,

because if I tell you then you'll know
it was your dearest friend who told you

and I'm afraid to tell you
anyway, because you'll hit me.

There is always
that risk, Vivian.

Sit down, Maude.

What is it, dear?

Well, I just found out something
very interesting about myself.

I'm not bland.

What are you saying, Vivian?

Maude, the one Perry is...

turned on by is me.

You?

Yeah.

Vivian, you?

Why are we laughing?

Well, it's ridiculous.

But he kissed me, Maude. Twice.

On the mouth.

That's shocking!

I know!

No, I mean a woman your
age still having sexual fantasies!

It's not a fantasy!

Well, of course it is!

I guess I know a sexual
fantasy when I see one.

There's usually a jockey in it.

Vivian, what are
you trying to tell me?

That Perry came right out and said,
'I want to have an affair with you'?

No, he was much more
direct. It was just... one word.

I can see the
handwriting on the wall.

Then you know the word.

Vivian. Poor, sweet Vivian,
you really believe this, don't you?

It... It's true! He even
bit me on the ear!

Oh, come on, Vivian,
you bit yourself on the ear!

Maude, how could I...?

I know how you must feel, but...
please don't be upset with me

because I'm the one
who turns Perry on.

After all, you still
have your box boys.

Pimply-faced little brats!

You are upset. I knew
you were going to be upset.

I just knew it!

Well...

That's the way it is,
that's the way it is.

To each his own.

I mean, that's life.

But I'm certainly
not upset about this.

And if I were you, Vivian,
I wouldn't be upset either.

Well, I-I'm not now.

After all, I guess any
woman would be flattered

if a young man like
Perry found her attractive.

Not if she's a hard-bitten
realist like me, Vivian.

Only if she's a woman with
her head in the clouds, like you,

you cloud-head.

Where are you going?

To have a little
chat with Casanova.

Are you going to
tell him that I told you

about how he wants to,
you know... defoliate me?

Vivian, you mean deflower you.

Which is better?

You'll never know.

- Perry, may I come in?
- Sure, Maude.

I was just typing up the
final draft of our report.

There's some
harsh realities in here

that the people of Tuckahoe
are just going to have to face.

Yes, there are
certain harsh realities

that all of us are
going to have to face.

Vivian told me what
happened up here.

Maude...

is it really so terrible?

Of course it's terrible.
It's inexcusable!

Inexcusable?

That's right! How dare
you use Vivian to get to me!

What?

It's the oldest
trick in the book -

making a play for the best
friend to get the one you want.

- Is that what I was doing?
- Well, of course!

Wasn't it?

Right. Right!

I mean, I knew it
couldn't be Vivian.

Well, I should have
known I couldn't fool you.

You hit it right on the head.

It was so obvious.

Oh, Perry, why?
How could you do this

to a poor, sick,
frustrated old woman?

- I didn't mean
to hurt you, Maude.
- Not me, Vivian!

I meant Vivian.

I mean, why did you
do it this way, Perry?

Why... Why couldn't you
have been man enough

to just come right out and
tell me how you feel about me?

To tell the truth, Maude,
for my personal taste,

you're the kind of woman
who's a... little too... uh...

Unattainable?

Right.

I-I mean, I knew you
were happy with Walter,

and I didn't want
to disturb anything.

I don't think Vivian gets
what she needs from Arthur.

But yours seems
like an ideal marriage.

Well, it's nothing
to write home about.

What are you talking about?

Of course I have a
wonderful marriage!

I knew that.

Perry... Perry, I want to thank
you for being honest enough

to admit

that I was the one you
wanted to have the affair with.

You're welcome.

Now get out.

- What?
- You heard me. Get out.

Why?

Perry, you're a lovely fantasy,

but fantasies are for kids.

OK.

I uh... I guess it's
better for both of us.

I'll just pack up my things.

No, forget your things.

I'll have your bag sent to
the motel. I'll pack it myself.

You... get a kick
out of that, don't you?

Hah!

Is everything all right?

Did you straighten
everything out with Perry?

Perry's walked out of our lives.

Oh.

Oh, it's funny -

one day he's here and
very involved with us,

and the next day he's gone.

He's like... William Holden
in that movie "Picnic."

Ooh, I loved that.

The handsome young man
who came to a small town

and touched two hearts.

One, a beautiful young
girl played by Kim Novak

and the other a love-starved
spinster played by Rosalind Russell.

You're right, Maude,
it's just like that.

And I guess we're good
enough friends to know

which one of us is Kim Novak

and which one of
us is Roz Russell.

Of course we know
who's Kim Novak

and who's Rosalind Russell.

"Maude" was recorded on
videotape before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude... ♪