Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 24 - Maude's Big Move: Part 3 - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ Right on, Maude ♪

Maude goes to Washington,

Part Three.

Walter, look.

Oh, my God, look, look.

Maude Findlay,

my name Maude Findlay, New York.

Oh, Walter, Walter I'm
a member of Congress.

Oh, Walter, my name, ooh,
Maude Findlay, New York.

Walter, I can't believe it.

I am actually a congresswoman.

I, Maude Findlay, New York.

I'm going to walk
these hallowed halls.

That heard the footsteps



of Sam Rayburn, Wayne
Morse, Daniel Webster.

I got to go to the men's room.

Thank you, thank you, Walter.

That is a valuable
lesson you just taught me.

Never share great
moments in history

with a man who
has a weak bladder.

It's locked. I guess my
staff hasn't arrived yet.

I told you we should
have taken a later flight

like we were supposed to.

Look, Walter, you go ahead

and do what you have to do.

I just want to enjoy
this magic moment

in the life of Maude
Findlay, New York.

- Oh, sorry.
- Excuse me.

Could you give me a hand?

Oh, Walter, don't
just stand there.

- Help the lady.
- Sure.

Would you mind
pulling off my slip?

Stand there, Walter,
I'll give her a hand.

Thank you. I think
it's the elastic.

I've been trying
to wiggle out of it,

but it doesn't seem to work.

Well, it works for me.

Close your mouth, Walter.

You do that very well.

Thanks to my early
burlesque training.

Here let me get that for you.

(grunts)

Oh, goodness, that's better.

Oh, it is the elastic.

- Darn that, Ronnie.
- Ronnie?

That's my cat. He likes
to claw at my underwear.

Don't fool with
that one, Walter.

Thanks, tiger, you've
been a life saver.

You too, tiger.

Close your mouth, Walter.

Sorry, Maude, but how
many times in my life

have I ever seen such
a tall, beautiful, woman?

Once before.

Huh?

Maude Findlay, New York?

Oh, yeah, that's what I meant.

Ms. Findlay,

where in the Sam
Hill have you been?

Well, Mr. Dickey,
it is about time.

Just Sam, ma'am.

Sam.

Look, I know you
are my chief of staff,

I hate to get tough
on the first day,

but I think you owe
me an explanation

as to why I've been
standing out here in the hall.

Ma'am, I've been off to airport,

you know, with a
few of your staff,

members of the press, you
know, just to kind of greet you.

But you took an earlier flight.

You didn't tell anybody.

So, you embarrassed us in front
of important newspaper people.

Now you can't do
that kind of stuff,

now that you're in
congress, you got to learn

to be more orderly.

I accept your apology.

Fine. I'll show you folks in.

Hey, look at this.

Yeah, this here is my desk.

And Maggie Gallagher sits here.

She's your legislative
assistant, you know,

makes out your schedules.

She can send your career
right down the old honey pot.

You got to watch
her like a hawk.

What? Is she
dishonest, a schemer?

Oh, much worst
than that, an idealist.

I'm an idealist.

I know, I'm-a watch
you like a hawk too.

Would you like some
breakfast, ma'am?

Maybe a little provolone
on Armenian bread?

Sam, what is all this food?

- Bribes?
- Bribes?

Come now, these are
gifts to the congressperson.

We got strict ethical
rules in this office.

You see I never accept any gift

that I can't eat or
drink in one sitting.

Sam, there is an entire
smoked turkey in there.

I can do it.

Look, Sam, I'd like
to see my office.

Oh, yeah, sure.

The rest of the
staff sits in there.

And this here.

This is the Member's
private office.

The Member?

Walter, I'm the Member.

Oh,

oh, Walter.

Oh, look,

the Member's couch.

The Member's flags,

the Member's desk,

what's this?

Oh, Walter, is this sweet.

The Member's bathroom.

Thank heaven.

Oh, no.

No, no, Mr. Findley
I'm sorry, you see,

there's a kind of a sacred
custom here in Washington.

Nobody uses a member's
bathroom except a member.

Maude?

Walter, it's a tradition.

There's a men's room
right down the hall.

Congresswoman Findlay.

Hello, tiger.

Maggie, I'm in conference
with the member here.

Just hang in there
and I'll introduce you.

Oh, Sam, I already met
the Member out in the hall.

But the Member didn't know then

that I am her
legislative assistant.

Walter, close your mouth.

Here I am telling the
new congresswoman

how my cat chews
on my underwear.

I'd like to meet
the cat sometimes.

Speaking of cats, Walter,

weren't you on your
way to the sandbox?

Excuse me.

He's cute.

He burps in his sleep.

Maggie, I'd like to
continue my conference

with the Member in private.

Oh, I just want
to tell the Member

that I handled the
reporters at the airport.

- Were they very upset?
- Oh, not anymore.

I bought them all a drink
and then I gave them

a personal statement from you.

You gave them a personal
statement from me?

Personally.

Listen Maggie, I
absolutely forbid you

to make anymore
statements for me.

Look, I only do
it to protect you.

- Protect me? From whom?
- From you.

One dumb statement and they
will tear you apart in this town.

Look, I assure you, as
long as I am in congress

I will never make
a dumb statement.

You just did.

Hey, Maggie.

I was just thinking

you aren't really in burlesque.

Are you kidding?

You know the famous
"Hospital" sketch?

I played the nurse.

If you want anything
during the night,

you just call for me.

Walter, close your mouth.

The nerve of that woman,

thinking she can
tell me what to do,

tell me what to think,
tell me what to say.

I will not put up with it.

Yeah, she's got some nerve.

I mean it's my job
to tell what to do.

Maggie!

Walter, what I'm going to do?

I've been here 15 minutes

and already I've lost control.

- Maude...
- Ms. Findlay,

we ought to take care of
some business right now.

Aretha.

About time.

This here is your
press secretary.

How exciting.

I have a black press secretary.

Only half black, honey,
my father was Italian.

And she's Catholic and a woman.

I mean, we practically fill
our entire quota for minorities

with this one
little gal right here.

Besides that, she's good.

Half black and half Italian.

- What's your name, dear?
- Aretha Balducci.

If you want to come
by for dinner tonight,

I'm fixing ham hocks alfredo.

Ms. Findlay, I guess I ought
to fill you on what's coming up.

We got a bill coming out of
committee on Wednesday.

It's one of the bills

that Congresswoman
McIlhaney supported.

It provides government
money for women's shelters.

If you could push
this bill through,

it'd be a real
feather in your cap.

Yes, I know about that bill

and I do feel it's
very important.

Yeah, I think I got
the last two votes

we needed yesterday.

And we'd like to get a
press release out on it today.

Oh, great. Great!

Now I'm finally beginning to
feel like a congresswoman.

Come on, let's
roll up our sleeves.

What do I so first?

Yeah. Well, those
two votes belong

to a couple of good ol' boys
you know, from down South.

Right, now what do I have to do?

Well, for the next three days

don't say anything
nice about black people.

You agree with him?

What do I know? I'm Italian.

♪ Volare! ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, Sam,

listen, you might as
well get this straight.

I will not be pushed around.

Well I'd take the rest of the
afternoon off to get settled.

Now, tomorrow morning at 8:00

I've got you appearing
before the Black Caucus.

Don't wear any furs or jewelry
because they're into poverty.

- Maggie, wait a minute...
- Listen, you are not going...

The member is
keeping a very low profile

on blacks for the next few days.

- Don't you say that.
- If the Member's committed,

she's going to be
there and that's it.

Now, you listen here slick,
I'm running things here.

I don't agree with that stuff.

Line one please.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

My first telephone call.

Congresswoman
Maude Findlay, New York.

Mrs. Findlay. This
is Jimmy Carter.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the President of
the United States.

(Jimmy) I wanna welcome
you to Washington, Maude.

And I want you to know that

Rose and I are planning
on having you over

to the White House
for dinner real soon.

Mrs. Findlay?

Yes.

(Jimmy) How does
that appeal to you?

What are you kids doing tonight?

(Jimmy) No, tonight's bad.

You see Bert's in town.

Oh.

(Jimmy) And I tell you we'll
do it real soon, hear? Bye now.

- (clicks)
- (dial tone hums)

The president.

Yeah. He'll bug you
from time to time.

Ms. Findlay, I'm
gonna go out there

and get the rest of
your staff together,

you know, so that you can...

You can welcome
them in your own words,

you know, these are the words.

Let me see that.

Oh, you can't say that.

- No, you can't say that.
- Give that back to me.

I don't need advice
from an ex-stripper.

Stripper?

I've never been a stripper.

I learned that
routine that I did

at a musical in college.

I got my law degree at
Georgetown University.

All right. So you
have a degree in law.

That doesn't mean that
you can tell me what to do.

I am a Congresswoman.

I was just on the telephone

with the President
of the United States.

When were you
last on the telephone

with the President
of the United States?

Five minutes ago.

Oh, you lawyers, you
lie about everything.

I don't lie.

I am not an elected official.

You come off it, Gallagher.

What would you be
doing on the telephone

with the President
of the United States?

I called him to remind
him that you arrived today.

And that it might be
nice if he called you.

I thought it might
make you feel important.

Well, you succeeded.

I do feel important.

I feel important
enough to pick my own

legislative assistant.

I'm sorry I told the president
I would be staying on.

It made him feel better.

You told the president that you
would be staying on my staff?

- Yes.
- You're fired.

Now, is everybody
from staff here? Good.

All right. I think you're all
gonna like the new member.

She's a little wet
behind the ears,

but nothing's really changed,

you still take your
orders from me.

Oh, Congresswoman Findley,

is there anything
you like to say?

You're fat.

Walter.

For God's sake, Walter.

Hey, look at this.

Maude, we're home.

Our first home in Washington.

Imagine,

we're gonna be living in
Irene McIlhaney's apartment,

the same place where
she dreamed her dreams

of making this a better America.

This is the place
where she fought

for the same ideals you'll
be fighting for, Maude.

Oh, wow, what a view.

Maude, come look out the window.

Oh, you can see the Capitol,

the White House and the
Washington Monument.

Oh, Maude, Maude,

it's the first time I'm
feeling the same thrill

that you feel about Washington.

Washington sucks
nickels, Walter.

Well, I know that this day
has been a little disappointing.

A little disappointing?

Everybody on my staff
has told me what to do,

when to do it, how to do it.

They push me
around, they treat me

like I'm a yokel
from some hick town.

Walter, I am a
Congresswoman from Tuckahoe.

I know that this has been
a very tough day, forget it.

We're home now.

They can't get to you here.

You're right,
Walter, you're right.

This is my haven.

I can relax here.

Now, I feel like a
congresswoman.

Nobody can tell me what
to do in my own home.

Oh, are you
Congresswoman Findlay?

Well, yes, I am.

Do you do that at home?
Get your feet off the table.

Would I appear, uh, rude

if I were ask who you are?

Pinky Nolan, the housekeeper.

- Here.
- What's this?

That's the menu for your
dinner party tomorrow night.

Oh, I didn't invite anyone
for dinner tomorrow night.

I did, here's your guest list.

Listen, I have had it with
people telling me what to do.

This happens to be my house.

When I wanna
give a dinner party,

I will give a dinner party,

I will invite the guests
to my dinner party,

and I will give you a menu

to be prepared for my guests

at my dinner
party, is that clear?

You're out of line, Findlay.

I'm tired of people who work
for me telling me what to do,

that's why I
absolutely will not have

Maggie Gallagher on my staff.

- You fired Maggie Gallagher?
- That's right.

Dumb, Findlay.

Maggie Gallagher is the
best assistant in this town.

Now, get on the
phone, call O'Brien's bar,

ask for Dugan the bartender
and he'll call Gallagher.

I am not going to call O'Brien's

to get Dugan to call
Gallagher, Nolan.

Why do I have the feeling
I'm in a John Wayne movie.

Look, I am a Congresswoman
of the United States of America

representing 800,000 people

from the great
State of New York.

Big deal.

I don't believe the
people in this town

treating you like you're a hick.

Oh, Walter, I don't
know anything

about being a congresswoman,
I'm a babe in a woods.

Everybody on my staff
knows more than I do.

I'm scared, Walter.

I'm alone and scared.

Honey, you're
forgetting you got me.

Alone and scared.

Hi there, Maude, Walter.

You know, Simon, it
is just simple courtesy

to ring a doorbell.

You don't ring a
doorbell this time of day

because Pinky is
usually taking her nap.

What is that woman
of Irish decent

doing in my house?

We might do the hiring
and the firing in your office.

And I hired her back
because she's good.

Yes, and I know
what she's good at.

If you want anything
during the night,

you just call for me.

Walter, open your mouth.

Ma'am, I mean it.

Now, this little girl is
the best in the business.

Believe me that
comes from my heart

'cause I don't even like her.

Thank you, Sam. And
I don't like you either.

I can't possibly rehire you.

I mean what to do about Walter?

I have a 55 year old husband
with runaway hormones.

Walter, close your mouth.

Maude, you don't have
to fire her because of me.

You know you're the only
woman in my life, sort of.

Walter, give me a
break, go in the kitchen.

You think Pinky will let me in?

Pinky, let the man in.

Thanks, Sam.

Mrs. Findlay, I'm not going
to beg for my job back,

but I think you ought to know
what it is that I do for you.

I brief you before
every meeting,

I write bills for you to
introduce on the floor.

I can tell you anything
you have to know

about any other bill
coming out of that Congress.

I am good, I'm damn
good. And I can protect you

from the ruthless political
animals in this town,

the worst of whom, Sam.

Oh, now, Maggie, don't
you go buttering me up.

Wait a minute, if Sam
is just a political animal

then why do I need him?

Because he's good,
he's damn good.

(phone ringing)

That's my job, Findlay.

Then what the hell is my job?

We're working on that, ma'am.

Good afternoon,
this is the residence

of Congresswoman Maude Findlay.

Ah, Congressman Banks.

Hi, Larry, you old carpetbagger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's here.

It's the honorable
Lawrence Jay Banks,

Chairman of the
Congressional Black Caucus.

He'd like to know the
topic of your address

Wednesday morning.

Mrs. Findlay, no.

Congressman Banks,
I just want you to know

how very honored I
am to be addressing

your caucus tomorrow morning.

- Congresswoman.
- Just a moment please.

Remember, if you say
anything nice about blacks,

you'll kill that bill.

Do you honestly think
that I would sell out

my principles just to get the
votes of a couple of bigots?

If that's the only
way to get money

for those poor battered
woman shelters, yes.

That's the way things
work in Washington.

Uh, Congressman,

I'm, uh, not going to
be speaking on the, uh,

obvious aspects of
the black dilemma.

I thought I'd like to, you know,

go for something
more hard hitting.

Uh, my topic is
going to be, um...

Should we protect
American Manufacturers

by levying, uh, heavier tariff
on Japanese skateboards.

All right.

Why, thank you.

He says I learn quick.

You do.

I'll drink to that, slick.

Don't you start trying
to butter me up, Sam.

Listen, why don't the
three of us give it a try, huh?

All I ask is that you
include me in the process.

You got yourself a deal,

when you're ready.

You know something, slick,

she picks up politics quicker

than a pig picks up a turnip.

This little sucker
is gonna make it.

You know, I think
I'm gonna like him.

You, I'm not so sure of.

You don't have to like me.

I was here to do a job for
Congresswoman McIlhaney

because I believe
in what she stood for.

And I believe that you can be
the same kind of congresswoman.

I'll work as hard for you

as I did for Irene McIlhaney,

even if it kills you.

I'm really not sure about you.

Why? Because I'm
a little intimidating?

Because I speak my mind,

because I'm tall?

Oh, my God.

Oh,

oh my God.

You're me.

Uh, I am you 25 years ago.

I think it might be closer

to 23 years ago.

I'll buy that.

- And you're smart like me.
- Yeah.

I guess I'm just
bothered by the thought of

coming to the office every day

and seeing a young
Maude Findlay.

Uh-huh, you think it's
a celebration for me

to come in everyday and
see an old Maggie Gallagher?

Uh, it could be like,

a mature Maggie Gallagher.

Maude, you should see what
Pinky is cooking for dinner.

Roast chicken with stuffing,

homemade biscuits,
candied yams and apple pie.

That's really something
when you consider

that she has to stand on
the chair to reach the oven.

Well, Findlay, did you get the
smarts and hire Maggie back?

- Yes.
- Good.

You staying for dinner, Maggie.

Thanks, Pinky.

It's like standing
on a redwood forest.

You know, Walter,
not only do I have

a wonderful new assistant.

I think I have a
wonderful new friend.

It's like looking at
myself 23 years...

Oh, what the hell, 25 years ago.

Isn't that wonderful, Walter?

- Close your mouth, Walter.
- Close your mouth, Walter.

Now listen, Maggie, I'll tell
you what, I think tomorrow...

(music playing)

"Maude" was recorded on
videotape before a studio audience.

(vocalizing)

♪ And then there's Maude... ♪