Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 23 - Maude's Big Move: Part 2 - full transcript

Last week on "Maude."

Don't you know your own wife?

Maude Findlay is
one of the bravest,

strongest women I have ever had

the good fortune to
be acquainted with.

She's a tiger.

A giant.

You think just because
she hears that her daughter

and her grandson
are moving to Denver?

Or that her best friend Vivian

is going to Idaho to live?



She'll collapse?

Not that tiger.

That's steel.

You'll have a job
as long as I live.

Oh, Irene.

What a wonderful thing to say,

I'll have a job as
long as you live.

♪ Oh, happy days
are here again ♪

♪ And the skies above ♪

♪ Are clear again ♪

♪ So let's sing a song of... ♪

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪



♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' anything ♪

♪ But tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪

In life, Congresswoman McIlhaney

was a source of
inspiration to us.

So join me now in
bidding a final farewell

to a dear friend

and a great congresswoman,

Irene McIlhaney.

Goodnight, Irene.

Gee, thanks so much for
typing up this eulogy, Viv.

It's gonna make it
so much easier for me

to read at the funeral tonight.

You're welcome.

Oh, I don't know,
Maude, maybe it's me.

But funerals always seem so sad.

Funerals always seem so sad.

Oh, Viv. I'm gonna
miss you so much

when you move to Idaho.

Where am I going to
find another Vivian?

Maude, Sam Dickey
was just on the phone.

Oh, not again.

Yes.

He wants you to
get to the wake early.

He wants to look
over your eulogy

before you read it out loud.

Who's Sam Dickey?

He's Irene McIlhaney's
Chief of Staff

from Washington.

Well, what kind of man is he?

I have no idea.
I've never met him.

But he is really
driving me up a wall.

Now, why does he
wanna read my eulogy?

Irene was my dear friend.

What? Is he afraid that I'll be

insulting, tactless, rude?

I thought you said
he'd never met you?

Where, where am I going
to find another Vivian?

Sorry I'm late.

We had a tragic situation
down at the hospital.

Boy, do I need a drink.

- Why?
- What happened, Arthur?

A power failure right
in the middle of surgery.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, it's awful.

Well, he would have died anyway.

Too bad you couldn't have
completed the operation.

You need the practice.

You know, you seem
a little edgy, Maude.

Are you nervous
about that eulogy

you're gonna deliver for
Congresswoman McIlhaney?

No, it's not that.

But I'll tell you what it is.

You know, the night
of the Chinese dinner,

Congresswoman
McIlhaney offered me a job

as her congressional assistant

right here in the
Tuckahoe office.

I know. We were all so excited.

Yeah.

It would have made it
so much easier for me

to handle Carol
and Phillip leaving,

and you and Arthur moving away,

Walter retiring.

Now, Congresswoman
McIlhaney is dead

and there's no job for me.

There's nothing
to look forward to.

I sort of have the feeling that

when I deliver
the eulogy tonight,

I won't be saying
goodbye to Irene.

I'll be saying
goodbye to everything

in my life that ever
made me happy.

Oh, now, hey, wait
a minute. Come on.

We just have two more nights

with our dearest friends.

Let's make the
most of it. Come on.

Let's all go to that funeral
and have a good time.

Maude, this isn't
a funeral parlor.

- This is somebody's house.
- That's right.

This is an Irish wake.

It's usually held
right in the home.

Listen, I've never
been to an Irish wake.

Well, what, what's
the first thing you do?

Decide what you want to drink.

Maude.

What would you
ladies like to drink?

Maude.

Vivian, this is...

This is Ned McIlhaney,

the congresswoman's brother.

- Oh.
- Oh, Ned.

I'd like a scotch
old-fashioned on the rocks.

With an extra slice of orange.

This is Vivian Harmon.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

I'm so sorry.

Have you ladies signed
the guestbook right in here?

- Oh. No.
- No.

Hey, Ned, we need
a sponge in here.

Somebody spilt
beer on the deceased.

I think you will find
a sponge right there

at the end of the bar, Sam.

Hey, there's a sponge
right there on the bar. Yeah.

- I'm so embarrassed.
- Hey,

don't be embarrassed, Father.

Sam? Is that Sam Dickey,

Irene's Chief of Staff?

Yeah. Yes, it is.

And he's trying to
run this whole show.

Hey, Ned.

Oh, good evening, ma'am.

It's really nice
to have you here.

Ned, you be sure to let me know

as soon as old lady
Findlay gets here.

- Walter.
- Ned. Hi, Ned.

Sorry I took so
long to park the car

but there was a traffic
accident right out in front,

a drunk driver
leaving the funeral.

Well, that's the trouble
with these Irish wakes,

if you're going to
mourn, don't drive.

Well, I guess we
should go in there

and pay our respect.

Oh, Maude, before you do,

the Governor's inside.

He wants to say hello to you.

Maude, why don't you
say hello to the Governor

while we go inside and say
goodbye to the congresswoman?

All right. Vivian, you
go on in there, dear.

I'll see you there.

I don't know, but I think

the wake's going pretty
well so far, don't you?

Now, Maude, you
sit down and I'll tell

the Governor you're here.

Ned. Ned.

Where in the Sam
Hell is that Findlay lady?

It's almost time for the eulogy

and who knows
what slop she wrote?

Hey.

I'll bet you're Mrs.
Maude Findlay.

You've got to be

when yours is the
only face pretty enough

to match the lovely voice

I talked to on the phone today.

Mr. Dickey, this
is so interesting.

You not only have a double chin,

you also have two faces.

- Maude.
- Ned, Ned,

we ran into a little
emergency in there,

we're running out of pizza.

Right away, Sam.

Now, Ms. Findlay, if you'd
be kind enough to let me

have a look-see that
eulogy you wrote for tonight?

Why, Mr. Dickey?

Well, I'll tell you why, ma'am.

See, I was very close to
Congresswoman McIlhaney.

And now somebody is
gonna have to succeed her.

And I wanna be sure
and give her successor

all the help I can

in realizing her
precious political ideas.

In other words, you're
afraid of losing your job?

You ain't just a
whistling Dixie.

You must also be suffering

a deep sense of personal loss.

I mean, Irene's
concepts of politics

were a source of
inspiration to all of us.

No, no, no. Wait a minute now.

I loved Irene but
her political ideas

were a little wacko.

Mr. Dickey, you're
a... You're a hypocrite!

Oh, boy, does
that sound familiar?

That's what she used to call me.

You know, the congresswoman

used to call me
the Hefty Hypocrite.

God love her.

What little sucker,
something else, wasn't she?

Oh.

It just seems so strange to
be having cocktails at a funeral.

This is the first time
I've ever had a pink lady

in front of a dead lady.

Hey, ma'am. Old Billy Carter

is gonna bust a gut
when I tell him that one.

You know Billy Carter?

Well, I sure do, ma'am.

He and I just as close as
two fleas on a frozen dog.

Miss, Miss Findlay,
now, if you just be a sport

and let me have a
look at that eulogy.

Absolutely not.

I mean, you didn't even share

Irene's political
dreams or goals.

No, no. You got me there.

But see, I'm more
interested in the...

In the wheeling and the dealing,

that's where the fun's at.

And I'm not even really
particular who I do it for

or who I do it to,

that's where the real fun's at.

I don't believe you.

Maude, now would be the
perfect time for the eulogy.

We just ran out of liquor.

Come on, Miss Findlay be a sport

and let me have a
little look at that eulogy.

No.

But I'll tell you, someday,

I hope to deliver
a eulogy for you.

And believe me, that little
sucker will be something else.

Listen, Miss Findlay, now.

Come on, one little
peek at the darn thing.

I cannot stand the thought

of a man like you
influencing Irene's successor.

You see, Maude
knew Irene McIlhaney

better than you did.

She knew her
better than anybody.

They fought for the same causes,

they shared the same ideals,

they thought exactly the same.

Like, it was almost as if Maude

and Irene McIlhaney were one

and the same person.

Right, Maude?

That's right, Viv.

In a strange way, I
was Irene McIlhaney.

Hmm, hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen, may
I have your attention, please?

Ladies and gentlemen,
attention please.

Attention!

Attention, please!

Thank you.

Honorable Governor,

your Grace Bishop Kellum.

Your Honor Judge DeForrest,

friends,

I have prepared a few words

in tribute to our dear friend,

Irene McIlhaney.

But I'm going to set that aside

and speak from the heart.

I am...

I am very troubled tonight.

I'm troubled by something
that should concern all of us.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is important

that we all work
hard to see to it

that Irene McIlhaney's
seat in Congress

is taken by someone
who shared her ideas,

who shared her beliefs,
who shared her dreams.

I knew and loved Irene McIlhaney

and she knew and loved me.

She often would say to me,

"Maude, you are the only
one who really understands

what my work means to me.

We're so much alike, Maude.

We're like... we're like
two fleas on a frozen dog."

When I looked into those
eyes for the last time,

I could not help but
see a message there.

"Maude, please see
that someone worthy

takes over my work for me.

Please, see that someone worthy

continues to further my dreams."

Now, who could do this?

Irene would have wanted
a woman of conviction.

She would have wanted
a woman of principles.

She would have wanted
a woman of integrity.

She would have wanted
a woman who is tall.

I am tall.

And I say to all
of you here tonight

a vote for Maude Findlay

is a vote for Irene McIlhaney.

Yes, of course, you
have the right to disagree

with what I did at
the funeral last night.

But I still feel

that Irene McIlhaney
would have wanted me

to run for her office.

No, wait. No, no, wait,
wait, wait, wait, now, wait.

If you're gonna use language
like that on the phone,

we might as well end
the conversation right now.

Goodbye, Mother.

Maude, it's the fifth
phone call tonight

about running for office,

come on, take the
phone off the hook.

You're right, Walter.

Maude, are you really gonna
run in that special election?

Why not?

I think I'd make a
wonderful congresswoman

just like Irene.

Come on, you two, that's enough
about running for Congress.

Let's enjoy our last
evening together.

I just don't believe it.

I mean, tomorrow, you
two are gonna be driving

to your new home
in Red River, Idaho.

No, I think I'm
really gonna enjoy

practicing medicine out there.

I hear that sometimes in
those small rural towns,

people don't even use
money to pay the doctor.

They just bring in
something from the farm.

On that case, I suggest you
keep a shovel in your office.

Maude, I'm gonna
miss you so much, oh.

I'm gonna miss you too, Viv.

- Come on now, cut that out.
- Ah, ah, ah, none of that.

Now, remember
what we all agreed on,

we're just gonna
have fun tonight.

None of that sloppy sentimental
stuff from you two women.

No crying and
carrying on, you two.

Oh, Walter, it is very sad.

Nonsense.

Now, we're just gonna
remember the good times.

And hey, speaking
of good times, Walter.

Listen, I brought
you a little gift.

In memory of the good old days.

- For me, Arthur?
- Yeah.

Oh, you old slugger.

- You old bad guy, you.
- Old iron butt.

Maude, look, Arthur
gave me a gift.

Yes, I can see that, honey.

It's so sweet.

- You old clodhopper.
- You old fender bender.

- You old bull honk.
- Will you open the damn gift?

Oh, oh, would you look at this?

It's Arthur and me when
we were in the army together.

Oh, is that wonderful.

Boy, that really makes
you stop and think.

How did we ever win the war?

Look at me there,
look at that wiry build,

that impressive
shock of blonde hair.

Walter, of course,
was the chubby one.

I had a little weight
problem in the army,

but I was still pretty good
looking, wasn't I, Maude?

Honey, you were adorable.

What do you think
of me there, Vivian?

I think you look kind of goofy.

Oh, come on, I look the
same then as I do now.

She knows that, Arthur.

Oh, you two are just jealous

because Walter and I
have been closer than you.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Vivian and I have
always been very close.

Yeah, Maude, you two
have a nice relationship,

- but we're two guys.
- Yeah.

And when two guys are close.

Come on, Arthur, let's
hang this in the den

- you old dog, you.
- You old jasper, you.

You old crazy.

You old yahoo.

That's not true, is it?

Two women can be just
as close as two men, right?

Well, certainly they can,

it's just that we're
not as silly about it,

you old softy.

You old buffalo.

You really know how
to wreck a friendship.

Oh, Maude, we've
been just as close

as friends can be, haven't we?

We certainly have, oh, Viv.

Viv, honey, do you remember
when we were in college

and Jimmy Dudley left you
stranded at that roadhouse.

- Yeah.
- On the Lincoln Highway,

- remember?
- Yeah.

And you called the
dorm, you were panicking,

you thought you would,
you know, be late for curfew

boy, who drove out
there at breakneck speed,

and got you back in time.

Ethel Braverman.

Ethel?

I thought it was me?

No, no, no. When
Jimmy left me there,

I called you on the phone,

but you sent Ethel
Braverman because,

just as you were
going out to your car,

you ran into Jimmy Dudley who
was just coming back on campus

and you went up to
Eagle Rock with him.

Oh, Vivian, if I did,

I-I'm sure it was just to
give him a piece of my mind.

That's not the story
that was going around.

Oh, Viv.

Viv, why have you put
up with me all these years?

Oh because you're
fun, and lively,

and you get me to
do all those things

I wouldn't normally do.

And you're gentle, and
appreciative, and sometimes,

you just make me stop and
realize how beautiful life is.

Oh, Maude, I am
going to miss you so.

I'm gonna miss you too, Viv.

Oh, come on, stop that.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

No crying. None
of that sloppy stuff.

Now, we agreed.

What is it with women anyway?

I don't know.

Why can't they be happy like us?

Yeah, a couple of
happy guys, old buddies.

Two lugs that go
back to 1942 together.

'42, remember that song
about Chicago we used to sing?

Do I?

♪ I used to work in Chicago
in a department store ♪

♪ I used to work in Chicago,
I did, but don't anymore ♪

♪ A woman came in
for a girdle one day ♪

♪ What kind would you adore ♪

- ♪ Rub her, she said ♪
- ♪ So rub her, I did ♪

♪ I did but I don't anymore ♪

How can you move all the way

across the country
on me, Arthur?

Oh, Walter, I don't want to go,

I just... hey, I got my old
foot locker on the living room

waiting for the
moving van tomorrow.

You wanna come and look at it?

All our old army
stuff is in there.

The canteens,
the victory medals,

hey, that old bathing
suit poster of Betty Grable.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, well, stuff like that.

Arthur, do you still have
your old cornet in there?

Oh, sure I do.

Come on, I'll play
"Stardust" for you.

Oh, Walter, not "Stardust."

Oh, it's hard to believe

those two were
once trained to kill.

It is silly to cry like that.

Well, it certainly is.

Well, Arthur and I have to
be up at 5:00 in the morning.

So, I guess, we really
ought to call it a night.

Yeah. You're
gonna need your rest

for that long drive up to Idaho.

Right.

We'll be back in Tuckahoe
at least every summer.

Of course you will and
we'll get out to Idaho

every once in a while.

Yeah. And there's
always the telephone.

And letters.

- Yeah.
- Nice long letters.

- Right.
- Hmm?

Goodbye, Vivian.

Goodbye, Maude.

Have a nice trip.

We will, we will.

I'll get in touch
with you real soon.

You bet. Oh, and
send Walter home.

I will, and maybe we'll come to

Washington to see you.

Oh, Vivian, honey, that
was just a pipe dream.

I'm not gonna run for office.

I was just clutching at straws
because all of a sudden,

my whole life was
turned upside down.

No.

No, I think I'll
just find myself

a nice rocking chair
and learn how to be old.

Oh, I can't see
you ever doing that.

I love you, Vivian.

I love you, Maude, bye.

Bye.

Oh, leave the door
open for Walter.

Maude.

You forget something, Viv?

I forgot to cry.

So did I.

Oh.

That's better.

Oh, where am I gonna
find another Vivian?

Miss Findlay.

Hey, yo, Miss Findlay.

Sam, what are you doing here?

I've been trying to
get in touch with you

for a long time, but
your line's been busy.

Well I took the
phone off the hook.

To be perfectly frank,

I'm in no mood for visitors,

I'm very sad, Sam,

and I'd really like to be
alone with my thoughts.

Well, I just might
have some news here

to cheer you up a bit.

Cheer me up?

Sam, I have a daughter

I am closer to than
any human being,

I have a grandson I adore,

the thought of whom
just brings joy to my heart.

I have a friend, Sam,

a true friend

whom I have shared
my entire life with

ever since high school,

they're all moving away, Sam,

and you're going to cheer me up?

Oh, well, what the hell,
let's give it a shot anyway.

See, the governor
decided not to call

a special election to replace
Congresswoman McIlhaney.

He decided to appoint
somebody instead.

Miss Findlay, he
decided to appoint you.

♪ Happy days are here
again, the skies above are ♪

It'll be a pleasure
working with you, ma'am.

♪ So let's sing a
song of cheer again ♪

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

Next, Maude goes to Washington.

I, Maude Findlay, New York,

am going to walk
these hallowed halls.

If you want anything
during the night,

you just call for me.

Washington sucks
nickels, Walter.

"Maude" was recorded on
videotape before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪