Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 22 - Maude's Big Move: Part 1 - full transcript

Maude's friend Irene returns from China and Maude throws a party to welcome her back. But the party is not joyous. Walter is closing his business. The Findlay's, the Harmon's, Carol & Phillip are planning to move. And worse, Irene collapses

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Chinatown, my Chinatown ♪

♪ Where the lights are low ♪

Oh, Maude, you are a
many splendored thing.

Chinatown, my Chinatown.

♪ I'm a Yankee doodle dandy ♪

♪ A Yankee doodle do or die ♪



Oh, Mrs. Findlay,

I'd like to go over
the menu with you.

Well Mr. Fong, tonight's dinner
is in honor of my dear friend,

Congress woman, Irene McIlhaney.

She just recently returned
from a junket to China.

I want tonight's dinner to be
an authentic Chinese meal.

So I'm just leaving the
menu entirely in your hands.

Hey, Mrs. Findlay, how
you like Chinese boy?

Please, not in front
of the Chinese boy.

I'm sorry, Mr. Fong.

Just call me Morris.

Morris? I thought your
name was Chan-Ye.

Oh, that's just my stage name.

You see, I appear on
various TV cooking shows

and I also wrote a
book on Chinese cuisine.

Oh, that's great. What's
the name of the book?

"With Six You Get Heartburn."

That's a little Chinese humor.

What is the menu, Morris?

Well, I'm giving you the
deluxe dinner for $8 a person.

You get a real
authentic Chinese dinner.

Start out with shark fin soup,

thousand-year-old
eggs, Peking duck,

and I run around the
room with a pigtail yelling,

"Who want 'flied lice,
' who want 'flied lice'?"

Morris, I just got
through telling you

that this party is in
honor of Irene McIlhaney.

I have been of her
staunchest supporters,

mainly because of her very
liberal views toward minorities.

We have worked side by side
very hard all these years to do away

with that terrible image
of the ethnic stereotype.

Now, I want you to
serve the $8 meal,

but you are not going to
run around my house yelling,

"Who want 'flied lice'?"

But I do like the pigtail.

Hey, do you think I would look
more Chinese if I wore a pigtail?

No, but I think you'd look
a great deal more Chinese

if you took off
those Hush Puppies.

I forgot to put on my sandals.

Walter, would you please tell
Carol and Phillip to come down?

I want them here
before the party begins.

Okay.

Hi, Maudie.

Arthur, Viv, look at you.

Oh, isn't this exciting?

We're going to have such
a wonderful time tonight.

Oh, Maude.

Now, Vivian.

Vivian, what's the matter?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Oh, Maude.

Vivian, if nothing is the matter
why are you saying, "Oh, Maude?"

Pay no attention to her, Maudie,

she's just going through
the change of life.

- I am?
- Vivian.

Arthur's right. There's nothing
bothering me but the change.

Besides, we're here
to have a good time

so my problems can wait.

How do you like my
costume and my wig?

Oh, Viv, you look beautiful.

I'm so excited,
this is the first time

I've ever come to a costume
party dressed as a communist.

Oh, Arthur, look at Walter,

he looks so Chinese.

That is amazing.

How did you get
your eyes like that?

Scotch tape.

Vivian, that was
Morris Chan-Ye Fong,

he's catering tonight's dinner.

Oh, fortune cookies.
I love fortune cookies.

Let's see what my fortune says.

"You are about to travel
and find a new home."

Arthur, Arthur, that's awful.

- Vivian.
- I don't want to move.

Vivian, now don't be ridiculous.

You can't take fortune
cookies seriously.

Maude's right.

We can't tell her now.

These are a bunch
of bunk... listen to this.

"Your lifelong dream
is about to be realized."

Well, I'll be hanged.

No, that's my lifelong dream.

Arthur, these fortune
cookies are spooky.

Oh, come on now, Vivian, please.

I told you, you cannot
take them seriously,

there's no truth in them.

"You are a woman of
great charm and brilliance."

Well, I mean, every
once in awhile...

Hey, you guys, you look great.

So do you, buddy, what are you?

I'm a rickshaw boy.

Here Walter, come on,
have a fortune cookie.

Let's see what the future
holds in store for you.

No, no, no. Let's not read
anymore of those dumb things.

Oh, it's not so dumb.

"Life, like a canoe, often
takes you to new waters."

It's perfect.

Oh, Walter, you're not
buying another canoe.

No, Maude. Paul Lazlo wants
to buy my appliance store

and if he meets my
price, I just might retire.

Retire? Oh Walter,
are you kidding?

No, Maude. Retire.

Walter, don't you know
what'll happen if you retire?

The boredom, the
tedium, the irritation,

the need to just
bust out of the house.

That won't happen to me.

I'm talking about me.

- Here we are.
- Good evening.

I love that.

Oh, Carol, you look beautiful.

Oh, Mother.

What's the matter, Carol?

Nothing, nothing really.

Oh, Phillip.

Oh, Mother.

Oh now come on, Carol.
If there's nothing wrong,

why are you saying,
"Oh, Mother?"

Now Carol, Maude's
gone to a lot of trouble

to make this a
wonderful evening for us

so please don't spoil
it with "Oh, mother."

I won't.

Oh, Maude.

Hey, fortune cookies.

- Here, Mom.
- Thanks.

Let's see what yours say.

Oh.

Carol, what is it?

It says I'm going to
move to a new house.

That's what mine said.

Oh, Mother.

Oh, Grandma.

Oh, Maude.

What? What?

That is probably Irene.

Thank heaven, at least I can
get a couple of laughs from her.

- Irene.
- Maude.

Oh, it's so good
to see you again.

Irene, how was
the trip to China?

Well, after three weeks
over there all I can say is,

if I ever see Chinese food
again I'll throw up on your kimono.

Why are you all
dressed like this?

Our gardener died.

Look, I'll tell you, we were
planning on a Chinese meal,

but if you'd like I can
always fix you a hamburger.

Anything, just so
long as it's mild.

All that spicy food.

I had a lot of
indigestion on the trip.

I told you, Irene,
you better watch it.

You've been working too hard.

Oh, come on, Arthur.
Irene's a congresswoman,

she has to work hard.

Meeting constituents,
making speeches,

going to lectures,
kissing babies.

And then of course, there's the
occasional trip to Washington.

That's the pain the in butt.

Speaking of that, Maude,
I'd like to have a talk with you.

Wait a minute, Irene.

When you say speaking of that,

do I remind you of
Washington or a pain in the butt?

Maude, why would you
remind me of Washington?

Oh, I'm so glad Irene
took Maude out of the room

because Arthur and
I have a real problem

and I just have
to talk about it.

Phillip and I have
a problem, too.

I got this terrific job offer
and we're moving to Denver.

I don't know how to tell mother.

Carol, you're leaving?

Yes, Walter, we are.

Did you hear that?

Carol and Phillip
are moving to Denver.

Well, Carol, that's wonderful.

Maybe you and Phillip will
be able to take trips to Idaho.

Why would we want
to take trips to Idaho?

Because that's where
Arthur and I are moving.

What?

You two are moving? To Idaho?

Oh well, Walter, you
knew I always wanted

to find a small-town practice

and just today it came
through and it's perfect.

Red River, Idaho.

It's a nice rural
farming community.

Sounds neat. You'll
make a great veterinarian.

No, Arthur's going
to be a country doctor.

Like, getting up in
the middle of the night

for operations and emergencies
and taking out appendixes

right on the kitchen table

and driving through
the rain to deliver babies.

Jeez, I never thought of that.

This will break Maude's heart.

Oh, we shouldn't say anything,
let's not spoil mother's dinner.

Oh no, that's a good idea.

Let's all be merry and gay,

although our
hearts are breaking.

Hear this, wait till you hear
this, you won't believe it.

Irene has just hired me to
be on her congressional staff.

I'm actually going
to be in charge

of the Tuckahoe headquarters.

Isn't that the most exciting
news you've ever heard?

- Uh-huh.
- Great.

I knew you'd all be thrilled.

You're just what I need, Maude.

You're perfect for the job.

A woman of charm and brilliance.

My God, that's what
my fortune cookie said.

Maybe, maybe everybody's
fortune cookie will come true.

Oh, Irene, Irene, you've made
me the happiest woman in the world.

You know, I haven't
been this happy

since the night that you
were elected to Congress.

Do you remember how we danced

when we learned
that you had won?

Do I remember?

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ And the skies
above are clear again ♪

♪ So let's sing a
song of cheer again ♪

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ Happy days are here again... ♪

All right now, what is the matter?
Why is everyone looking so sad?

Sad? Who's sad?
Anybody here sad?

I'm not sad, are you sad?

I'm not sad.

Who's sad?

It's just that we're all
going through the change.

Vivian.

Don't you snap at
me, Arthur Harmon.

It was Carol who started
crying in the first place.

I did not, I looked at Walter
and he had tears in his eyes

and I just couldn't hold it.

Now wait a minute,
I didn't start it.

Personally, I think
Phillip is the cause of it all.

I'm sorry I had
to bang the gong.

Irene, I feel I should apologize
for my family and my friends.

Oh, Mother, it's just that...

Well, we were crying because...

We were crying because
our costumes are too tight.

Now listen, I don't care if
you're all in a bad mood or not.

I'm going to have
a good time tonight,

I'm not going to let
you ruin my evening.

Right, let's all
have a good time.

We'll bet your boats we're
going to have a good time.

It's too bad Carol
had to start crying

- and spoil the whole thing.
- I didn't start crying...

Time.

Now listen to me, I have to go
into the kitchen to see about dinner.

When I come back,

I expect everybody to be
acting normally and happily.

Now listen, Maude.

Oh!

Now remember what I said.

Normally and happily.

Now you have to take...

I'm taking names.

I just hope she takes your name

because you're the
one who started it.

What's the matter
with you people?

This party's gotten
completely out of hand.

I've spent saner
evenings with Billy Carter.

Irene, Carol and
Arthur and Vivian

all have news that's going
to break Maude's heart.

I got this marvelous
job in Denver

and I'm taking Phillip with
me, we're going to live there.

Arthur's moving his practice
to Idaho and I'll never,

or hardly ever see Maude again.

I'm afraid this news
will destroy Maude.

Destroy Maude Findlay?

Walter, I think you've been
pulling your rickshaw too long.

You're afraid of how Maude
will react to this news?

Maude Findlay? Don't
you know your own wife?

Maude Findlay is one of
the bravest, strongest women

I've ever had the good
fortune to be acquainted with.

She's a tiger, a giant.

You think just because
she hears that her daughter

and her grandson
are moving to Denver,

or that her best friend Vivian
is going to Idaho to live?

She'll collapse?

Not that tiger, that's steel.

She'll take it like
the trouper she is.

Don't you worry
about Maude Findlay,

she's a Rock of Gibraltar.

I'm not going to let you leave.

You can't do this to me.

I can't lose my daughter and
my grandson and my best friend.

Oh, Mother, Mother,
this is very important.

Would you ask me
to give up my career?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And you, Vivian, Vivian.

Leave Arthur, you
can move in with us.

I'll give you your own
shelf in the refrigerator,

right next to the
vegetable crisper.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What the hell am I
saying? I am not sorry.

Look, I can't let you
go, you're my life.

Walter, you tell them.

The phone, you hear it? It rang.

Maude, this
indigestion is killing me.

Have you got any
bicarb upstairs?

Yeah, in the medicine cabinet.

This time I am sorry.

Oh Carol, I'm going to miss you.

Oh, Phillip.

And you, Viv.

Oh, what the hell?
Even you, Arthur.

You too, Maudie.

Mother, this is a terrific
opportunity for me

and it's a big challenge.

Oh honey, I'm sure you'll end up
being the best person they have.

Thanks, kid, I needed that.

Well, I am going to put on a
new face, I'll be down in awhile.

I'm going to go
call some friends

and tell them about Denver.

I'm going to miss you, Grandma.

Oh, Maude.

When are you leaving?

Next week.

So soon? What's the big rush?

Well, Red River's
a very small town.

They only have one doctor and
he has to leave next Thursday.

What's his big rush?

He's going to jail.

Oh, Arthur, you mean
you're replacing a man

who's going to jail
for malpractice?

Oh no, no, no.

He's a first-rate doctor.

No, no, nothing like that.

They got him for shoplifting.

In a town of only 850 people,

how much can a doctor make?

See, I'll be there
in semi-retirement.

I don't think I'll have
to do any shoplifting.

Besides, you'll meet somebody

who will be just as
close to you as I am.

Oh, sure.

In a year or two, you'll
never know we've gone.

I'm not very hungry anymore,

I'm going home.

What's got into her?
What's got into you?

I would give up dinner?

My heart is breaking and all
you can think of is Chinese food.

You're right, let's go
out and get a steak.

Maude, Maude, Maude,

did you hear?

Oh, you're upset because
the others are leaving.

Maude, I'm going
to show you that life

isn't as bad as you think.

I'm going to have
some Hawaiian Punch,

I'll pour you some Chinese wine,

and we're going to make a toast.

Come on, Maude, just one drink.

Maude, you don't understand.

That was Carl
Lazlo on the phone.

He made me an offer for
my store that I couldn't refuse.

Maude, I'm going to retire.

From now on, you and I will be

together 24 hours a day.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop.

Will you stop, Maude, please.

Shall I serve
dinner, Mrs. Findlay?

Morris, I'm afraid nobody's
in the mood for dinner.

This night's just
been a real bummer,

probably the worst
night of my life.

Mrs. Findlay, may
I say something?

Oh, please, Morris, there are
no words that are going to help.

I mean, I'm afraid
there's no fortune cookie

that contains any bit of wisdom
from the inscrutable Orient

that's going to
make me feel better.

Oh, fortune cookies are bunk.

But for those moments

when I feel
discouraged and beaten,

and nothing but despair
and despondency,

Oh, that's the way I feel.

Well, I remember
a wise old saying

my mother passed onto me.

She learned it from her mother.

What was that?

"Que sera, sera."

Walter, pay the man
off and throw him out.

Mother had another
expression, "Nice guys finish last."

Maude...

are you unhappy
that I'm retiring?

Oh, no. If it makes you
happy, it makes me happy.

Oh, thanks.

I'm so glad you understand.

Where's Arthur?

They went home.

I'm going to go
over and tell him

the good news about my retiring.

Oh from now on, Maude,

I'm going to smother
you with love.

- I know.
- Every day, every night.

I know, Walter.

I'll be right back.

And back and back

and back and back

and back and back and back...

That's something I've
always admired about you,

no one can empty a room
faster than Maude Findlay.

Oh, Irene, where did it go?

What happened to my life?

My daughter is leaving home,

my grandson is leaving home,

my best friends
are leaving home.

My husband is coming home.

Oh I'm sorry, Irene.

It's just that my
life ended tonight.

Your old life, and thank God.

What about your new life?

As my assistant you'll
be working your butt off

representing me
here in Tuckahoe.

The job.

I completely
forgot about the job.

You'll be at it 12, 14
hours a day, just like me.

Meeting with business leaders,

political leaders,
religious leaders,

labor leaders, and every
other screwball with a complaint.

Irene, you're right.

I have a whole new life.

And then next year, another
exhausting election campaign.

That's why I need you, Maude.

You're strong like me.

A tough yazoo.

Happy days are here again ♪

♪ And the skies
above are clear again ♪

♪ So let's sing a song ♪

Maude, you'll have
a job as long as I live.

Oh Irene, what a
wonderful thing to say.

I'll have a job as
long as you live.

Happy days are here again ♪

♪ And the skies are
above are clear again ♪

♪ So let's sing a
song of cheer ♪

"In life, Congresswoman
McIlhaney

was a source of
inspiration to us.

So join me now in
bidding a final farewell

to a dear friend,

and a great congresswoman,
Irene McIlhaney.

Good night, Irene."

I have prepared a few words

in tribute to our dear friend,

Irene McIlhaney.

But I'm going to set that
aside and speak from the heart.

"Maude" was recorded on
videotape before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪