Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 21 - Phillip's Mature Romance - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' anything ♪

♪ But tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪

Yes, Carol, everything
is wonderful, fine.

Yes, Phillip is
home, oh, and Carol,

he really misses you terribly.

Grandma, Grandma, I
just broke my shoelace.

- Do we have any extra ones?
- Yeah, in your top drawer.

Honey, your mother is calling from
Cleveland, she wants to talk to you.

I can't talk now, my date's
gonna be here any minute.



Phillip, it's been two
weeks since she's seen you,

she wants to talk to you.

Hi, Mom, I love you, goodbye.

Carol, no, no,

he isn't on anything.

Carol, Phillip, your little boy

is in L-O-V-E.

Yes, yes, he's in
love for the first time.

No, no, no, no.

It's not Samantha.

I don't know, it's
some new girl,

I haven't met her yet, her
name is Diane Harding.

Yeah, awww,
Carol, it's so sweet,

you know, it reminds
me of the first time

I fell in love, I don't know
whether I ever told you

about him, his name
was, Dwayne Parish.

Yes, and he...

Yes, I know this
is long distance

and you're paying for the call.

He was on our high
school gym team.

Beautiful but...

What do you mean
you couldn't care less?

I'll tell you, Dwayne was
a hell of a lot more exciting

than that little squirt that
you first brought home.

Carol?

Hello?

Would you believe it, Walter,

my own daughter hung up on me.

Maybe I should've breastfed her.

Is Phillip really that
nuts about this new girl?

Oh, crazy about her.

And apparently, she feels
the same way about him

because Phillip told
me that she agreed

to go steady with him.

Walter, 15 years old.

What a beautiful
time in his life.

You can say that again.

I know what it's like
to be in love and 15,

I went through it myself.

Oh, darling, I'm so
glad you understand.

Phillip needs $20 for his date.

$20 for a date?

Honey, you just said you went
through the same thing yourself.

Yeah, but it only
cost me a quarter

for crazy Shirley on the roof.

Well, do you,
romantic devil, you.

Now, I know why you took me to
the starlight roof on our first date.

Thought you'd get
lucky with crazy Maude.

Only, I wasn't crazy
and you weren't lucky.

So fork over the money.

Grandma, Grandma, does
this tie look okay with this jacket?

Oh, no, honey, that's
much too dressy.

Here, this one will be perfect.

Maude, that's my new tie.

Honey, this is an
important night for Phillip.

Okay. But be careful
with that tie Phillip,

don't leave it anywhere.

He's not gonna
be taking off the tie,

his date isn't
with crazy Shirley.

Sweetheart, what time
is it, aren't you late?

Oh, I still have about
five minutes left.

- Phillip.
- What's the matter, Grandma?

Phillip, you are wearing
a Mickey Mouse watch.

Well, it's the only one I have.

Phillip, you can't go
out on an important date

with a Mickey Mouse watch.

Maude.

Only little boys wear
Mickey Mouse watches.

Maude.

This one's a Donald Duck.

Walter, what are you doing
with a Donald Duck watch?

For one thing, it's not
Donald Duck, it's Dicky Duck.

Ahhh!

A salesman gave
it to me as a gag,

but it keeps darn good time.

And it has an alarm.

You set it for a certain
time and it quacks.

I am married to a man

who wears a watch that quacks.

Let us pray.

Dear lord, in our
moment of strife...

Okay. Maude, okay.

Grandma, do we have
any brown shoe polish?

Oh, Phillip, you're not
wearing brown shoes.

Well, they're the only
decent shoes I've got.

Phillip, young men wear
black shoes in the evening.

Leave him alone,

if he doesn't have
any black shoes,

he doesn't have any black shoes.

What are you doing?

Maude, are you out of your mind?

Phillip can't wear my
shoes, they're too big for him.

Not anymore.

First, my tie, then my shoes,

anything else you need?

Walter, you don't have
a runny nose, do you?

No.

Good, Phillip, this should
add a nice touch to your outfit.

His outfit, it's my outfit,

maybe I should
go out on the date.

Walter, don't be ridiculous,

you can't go out
looking like that.

Well, that must be Diane,

I told her to honk and
I'd come out to the car.

The car?

Oh, someone is driving us.

Oh, no, it's Sam.

Samantha?

Well, honey, let her in.

No.

I told her this
afternoon on the phone

that I had the 24-hour flu.

Grandma, get rid of her.

Phillip, I don't understand.

I don't want Sam to know that
I'm going out with another girl.

Grandpa, you know about
women, you're man of the world.

I guess you could call
me a man of the world.

Man of the world.

Phillip, why did you lie to Sam?

I mean, don't you
like her anymore?

Well, sure, I mean,
I like her a lot.

Not the way I like Diane.

Sam's just a kid.

Look, Phillip, we have
to answer the door.

Grandma, don't fail me,

tell her I'm sick
and I can't see her.

I mean, can you
believe that kid?

He actually wants
you to lie for him.

Well, he's still young.

Hello, Sam. How nice?

Come on in, dear.

Thanks, Mrs. Findlay.

Hi, Mr. Findlay.

I thought I'd come over

'cause Phillip sounded
so awful on the phone.

Do you really think
it's the 24 hour flu?

Sam, we're not gonna
lie, it's not the flu.

It's not?

Well, what is it?

Tell her, Maude.

It's double pneumonia.

Double pneumonia?

Walter, I didn't
want to tell you,

I thought it would
upset you too much.

Well, shouldn't Phillip be in
the hospital or something?

Oh, no, no, no.

He'll be on his feet in no time,

it's just the 24 hour
double pneumonia.

But no visitors tonight,

I'll tell Phillip
that you came by,

Sam, thanks so much.

- Good night.
- Good night.

You know Mr. Findlay,
things like these

are very easy to catch.

You shouldn't be walking
around without shoes.

Maude, why did
you lie to that girl?

Well, for one thing, Walter,

I like to lie.

I'm very good at it.

Maude.

Well, maybe I shouldn't
have lied to Sam,

but I didn't want
her to be hurt.

I want everything to
go smoothly tonight.

Honey, Phillip, my grandson

is in love for the first time.

This is a very
important night for him.

That's probably Diane.

Boy, in my time,
no 15-year-old girl

would be allowed to
go over to a boy's house

and pick him up...

Except for crazy Shirley,
she'd pick you up anywhere.

- Mrs. Findlay?
- Yes.

I'm Diane Harding.

You're Diane Harding?

Yes, I'm sorry I'm late,

but my roommate
and I were moving

into our new apartment.

You're Diane Harding?

Diane, I thought you
were gonna honk.

Hi, Phillip.

You're Diane Harding?

Yeah.

So, you're Diane Harding, huh?

I'm Mr. Findlay, although
you'd probably be more

comfortable calling me Walter.

He's my grandfather and
this is my grandmother.

Very happy to meet you both.

You're...

the Diane Harding who is
going steady with Phillip?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, for some reason,

you do not look 15.

Well, that's probably
because I'm 19.

But she won't be
19 until next month.

Oh, you're 19

and you're in Phillip's
class at school?

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm a freshman
in Hunter College.

I'm majoring in Law.

Oh, are you familiar
with the Mann Act?

Maude, Maude.

Yes, yes, Walter,

I was wondering when you
were going to say something.

Diane, Mr. Findlay has
something to say to you, Walter.

Damn that watch.

Well, Diane, we
better get going.

I made the dinner
reservation for 7:00.

Yes, nice meeting you both.

Run after them, save
Phillip from that woman.

I can't Maude, he's
wearing my shoes.

Yes, Carol,
everything is just fine.

Phillip's date last night?

Oh, Diane is lovely woman.

Did I say woman, Carol?

I meant girl, yeah...

Oh, Carol, now
stop worrying, dear.

I told you, I went through
exactly the same thing

in high school with
Dwayne Parish.

Yes, I thought I was
madly in love with him

until the night of
the Junior Prom

when I suddenly became
interested in Billy Burton,

you see, he cut in on Dwayne

and the band was playing
"Dancing in the Dark."

Hello.

Hello.

Rotten kid.

Hi, Maude.

Is Phillip home yet?

No, darling, and
it's after 6:00.

I'm afraid that Diane may
have picked him up after school.

Walter, why didn't you
talk to him this morning

the way I asked you to?

I did talk to him.

Oh, good.

Did you straighten
everything out?

I think I did.

What did you say to him?

Well, we talked about
the age difference.

Then I told him that no
matter how blonde this Diane is

or how cute she is, you know,

with that little turned up
nose and those full lips.

And no matter how
terrific a figure is,

forget the sensational legs.

I said he shouldn't
see her anymore.

No, you shouldn't
see her anymore.

- Hi.
- Hi, folks.

Maudie, we heard
the news, too bad.

Oh, Maude, we're
just so sorry for you.

Sorry for what?

Well, the minute
Carol goes out of town

and you're left in
charge of your grandson,

he starts running around
with an older woman,

you must feel just awful.

I'd like to tell you
not to blame yourself,

but what good would that do?

You've got to blame yourself

when you can't even
control your own grandson.

Poor old granny.

Vivian, your grandmother died

at a very early age, didn't she?

Yes.

Walter, Vivian's
grandmother took her own life,

shortly after Vivian
learned to talk.

Wait a minute,
now, wait a minute.

Things are getting out of hand.

Vivian, for one thing,

this girl isn't
even 19 years old.

You make it sound
like a middle age

she's just a young, cute,
blonde, gorgeous little...

Well, Maude, you know,
maybe it's just puppy love.

Now, I remember
when I was about 19,

there was this young
boy who lived next door

and he was always
coming over to my house,

you know, and hanging
around and mother said,

now, Vivian, don't
worry, it's just puppy love.

And you know
what, she was right.

He loved my puppy.

Please, Viv, I am
in no mood for jokes.

Maudie, let me talk as a doctor.

Arthur, I just said I'm
in no mood for jokes.

Look, I don't think any
of you really understand.

I mean, I can see
where a young boy

might become interested in
an older woman, that's normal,

but what does
she see in Phillip?

I mean, what is she
getting out of this?

I think I can answer
that one, Maudie.

Actually, although it's not
always socially acceptable,

it's not unusual for women to
be attracted to younger men.

I remember when I was a young
intern at Community General,

there was this nurse,

Collette Bordeaux,
she was French.

Well, here I come fresh
out of medical school.

Collette takes one look at me.

Male, Caucasian, blond hair,

blue eyes, well-built,

loaded with personality.

Oh, any birthmarks or tattoos?

No, although, I had the cutest
dimple right here in my chin.

It's the same one I got now.

Well, needless to say, I
was a good-looking stud.

And Collette being
French took a shine to me.

She was always
trying to get me alone.

Once, we were both
on the night shift,

she actually tried to get me

to have a glass of champagne
with her in the linen closet.

Well, as I said, it's not
unusual for an older woman

to be attracted
to a younger man.

How old was Collette?

Sixty-three.

But I must say she
certainly didn't look it.

At least not in
the linen closet.

Arthur Harmon.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, Phillip.

Phillip, where have you been?

Why didn't you call?

Oh, well, Diane and
I were just downtown,

they didn't have a
payphone at the jewelry store.

You were in a jewelry store?

Phillip, forgive me but every
time I think of a jewelry store,

I think of rings, commitments,

please relieve my mind Phillip,

tell me that you and Diane
just went into that store

to hold it up.

We were just looking around

until I found out what she liked

and I snuck back
and bought it for her.

Do you like it?
It's a gold anklet.

- Awww.
- Gold anklet?

Phillip, that looks
awfully expensive.

Oh, it's only $32.

You spent $32
out of your savings

on a gold anklet for
a 19-year-old girl?

I don't get it, why
is age so important?

Phillip, you can be hurt.

Look, don't listen
to me Phillip.

What am I? I'm just
a loving grandmother

trying to do her best,
listen to Dr. Harmon,

he just told us a
heartbreaking story.

Arthur, that tragic story about
you and the older woman.

Older woman?

Collette.

Oh, yeah, Frenchie.

Well, it's a situation, something
like you have with Diane, Phillip.

She was only interested
in one thing from me.

You see, I aroused
certain desires in her.

Well, you know what that means.

Wow.

Maybe I should have bought her

a more expensive gift.

Come on, Vivian, I
can't do any good here.

Phillip is not interested in
benefiting from my experience.

Phillip, stay out
of linen closets.

Well, I better get dressed.

Diane's picking me
up in ten minutes.

Phillip, how can I
get through to you?

Look, I supposed that
you're probably the only boy

in the 11th grade who is
going around with a college girl

and I supposed that makes
you look like a big man

to the other boys.

Well, it makes me look
pretty good to the girls too.

Walter, help.

Phillip, do you
remember this morning

when I had this man to man
talk with you about Diane,

remember what I said about her?

I sure do.

Well, forget that.

Would someone please
tell me what's so wrong

about going out with Diane?

Look, Phillip, Phillip, I don't
want to interfere in your life.

I really don't, Phillip,

but your going around
with Diane is wrong.

Now it is very difficult
for me to explain why.

Phillip, I just wished
you'd trust me

and break off with her.

Grandma, if that's
what you want,

I'm glad you told me,

because any advice you
give me is always good advice.

You know, I think
I'm pretty lucky

to have you as a grandmother

and if you want my grandmother,

I'd want you for my friend.

Well, I better go get ready
for my date with Diane.

Phillip, you punk!

Don't feel bad, Maude,

you know, I once saw John Boy

pull that same thing
on Grandma Walton.

It's that woman.

I'll get it.

Good evening, Mr. Findlay.

Walter.

Walter.

Hello, Mrs. Findlay.

Oh, hello, dear.

Phillip should be
down in a moment,

he's running a little late.

His Mickey Mouse watch stopped.

I got a Dicky Duck watch.

Oh, that's darling.

Walter, I'd like to speak
with Diane for a few minutes.

- Do you mind?
- Oh, I'll just set my watch,

when you hear Dicky quacking,

you'll know your time is up.

It's easy to see where Phillip
gets his sense of humor.

No, it isn't.

Look, Diane, I'll be blunt,

I do not like your
going out with Phillip,

I'm afraid you're
exploiting him.

Exploiting him? Mrs.
Findlay, that's not true.

Well, what else
would you call it

when a 19-year-old woman
goes out with a little boy?

Well, he's not gonna
be a little boy for long.

He's growing up pretty fast,

look how big his feet are.

He was wearing his
grandfather's shoes.

Oh, he may be young,

but he's a lot
more fun on a date

than most of the college
men I've been out with.

Phillip is more fun
than college men?

How?

Well, I don't know.

We just have a lot
in common, that's all.

A lot?

You and Phillip?

Name one thing, what, do you...

You both read the same books?

Well, no.

Do you have the same friends?

Well, no, but.

Well, tell me then,

name one thing that you
and Phillip have in common.

We both love "Star Wars."

"Star Wars"?

That's hardly anything
to base a relationship on.

My husband adores...
Oh, forget that.

Look, admit it, Diane,

you should be spending your time

with men your own age.

Oh, sure, that's what
my parents always say.

Date college men.

Well, college men only
have one thing on their minds.

I'm tired of fighting my
way out of parked cars.

You mean, you don't
like the pressure?

I hate it.

But you don't feel
that with Phillip,

you're in control?

Yeah.

Diane, do you hear yourself?

You go out with Phillip
because he's safe.

Well, all right.

So, what if that's true?

What's so terrible
about going out

with someone because he's
safe and sweet and adorable?

Safe?

You go out me just
because I'm safe,

sweet and adorable?

What a rotten thing
to say about a guy.

Phillip, I'm sorry.

Look, Diane, if you
feel that I'm safe,

we're just gonna
have to stop dating.

I've got my reputation
to think about.

Diane, you will find

a wonderful boy your own age,

who won't put this
pressure on you,

but you have to keep looking,

you know, I fought my way

out of hundreds of parked cars,

and then I found

a sensitive, feeling, mature...

But he died.

That's how I got together
with Dicky Duck here.

Time's up, Maude.

Yes, Walter, we know.

Phillip...

Goodbye, Phillip.

Good night, Mrs. Findlay.

Mr. Findlay.

Walter.

Wow.

What a kick on the pants
to find out you're safe.

Come on, honey.

Soon, you'll grow into
your grandfather's shoes

and then you can
be dangerous too.

Yeah, I spent 32 bucks
on this gold anklet.

Hey, you know what, Phillip?

Why don't you
give it to Samantha?

Yeah, I should.

She doesn't think I'm too safe.

Why don't you call her and
tell her you'll pick her up?

Your grandfather
is taking us all out

for chili burgers
tonight, right, Walter?

Walter?

Walter, get away
from that girl's car.