Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 20 - Mr. Butterfield's Return - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

And now, Eugene, you
can win a washer/dryer

if you can correctly tell us

what your bride
Beatrice answered

when we asked her,

"What was the most
embarrassing thing

that happened on
your wedding night?"



- That's easy.
- Oh he knows, he knows.

She put a piece of wedding
cake under my pillow

and I squished it.

You dummy!

I'm sorry, Eugene.
Your little bride answered

that the most embarrassing thing

that happened to you on
your wedding night was...

you were impotent.

You think he'd remember that.

You told them that?

Well, it's true.

You were just a complete fizzle.

You stupid dodo.

Well, it's true.

Well, our couple failed

to win the washer/dryer,

but we'll be back tomorrow

for "Here Comes the
Bride." Now, stay tuned...

Oh, Maude, aren't
those young newlyweds

just as cute as a bug in a rug?

Cute? They're disgusting.

I think they're cute.

Oh, come on, Vivian.

Would you get on
national TV and,

for the chance of
winning a washer/dryer,

tell the world that
on your wedding night

Arthur was impotent?

Of course not.

Exactly my point.

Besides, it
wasn't all his fault.

I was the one who insisted

we order that last
glass of champagne.

Please, Vivian,
spare me the details.

Well, it looks like Victoria

will be a newlywed
pretty soon, huh?

I don't think so, I'm
sure she'll be staying on

as my housekeeper for some time.

Why?

Well when she went off on
that weekend camping trip

with that young man,
I thought it meant

something significant.

It did. I believe it's
called "fun trucking."

But I don't think they
plan on getting married.

I mean, after all, Hank is
still an intern at the hospital.

He can't afford to
get married now.

Oh, Walter's going
to look so beautiful

when we go out
to dinner tomorrow.

Look, not a wrinkle.

I'm just so excited about our
dinner date tomorrow night.

You know, Sheila
Hackett said that

just because that restaurant
is in the Lancelot Hotel,

we shouldn't expect
ordinary hotel food.

She said it's very continental.

Yeah, I've heard
nothing but good things

about the restaurant
at the Lancelot.

They say the
ambience is wonderful.

Oh good, I'll order that.

Would you get that, Viv?

I want to hang
up Walter's shirt.

♪ The bells are ringing ♪

♪ For me and my... ♪

Oh.

Mrs. Harmon, right?

You remember me?
I'm Victoria's father.

Of course, Mr. Butterfield.

What a surprise,
come in, please.

Thank you.

My goodness, did
you come to Tuckahoe

all the way from that
darling little island of Saint...

- What's his name?
- Norman.

That's his name.

I am charmed to see you again.

The last person I saw
kiss a lady's hand like that

was Charles Boyer in
"Hold Back the Dawn."

That's where I picked it up.

Oh, please make
yourself right at home.

Thank you.

You know, Victoria
didn't mention

you were coming.

Well, one of our
stewards fell ill

and I'm just filling in for him,

but actually I enjoy working

the big 747 flights, you know.

From Trinidad to New York

and it gives me a chance
to visit with my daughter.

Well, I hate to meet and run,

but I really have to be going.

Maude will be in in a minute.

Oh, I forgot to tell
you, Victoria isn't here.

She's off on a
weekend camping trip

with her boyfriend Hank.

But, Mr. Butterfield,
don't worry about a thing

because Maude said
there's not a chance

they'll be getting married.

They're just "fun trucking."

- And, Mr. Butterfield...
- Please, not another word.

Vivian, who was that...

Mr. Butterfield, what a...

What a pleasant surprise.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Findlay.

Well, we never know
when you airline people

will show up, do we?

Unfortunately,
Victoria isn't here.

She's off on a weekend

with two or three
or four girlfriends.

Something to do with
Bible study, I believe.

I'm not quite sure.

Would you care for some coffee?

Bible study, eh?

Mrs. Findlay, I consider you
to be one of the most immoral,

deceitful, lying,
bodacious creatures

to ever travel the
face of this Earth.

Well, we all have our faults.

Mrs. Findlay, how
dare you allow Victoria

to go off on a camping trip

and as you Americans say
"shack up" for the weekend.

How dare you. I resent the use

of that expression "shack up."

I assure you Victoria
is not shacking up.

What would you call it then?

Tenting up.

Tenting tonight on
the old campground.

It's an old American custom,

it's also an old American song.

Look, I can appreciate
your concern for Victoria,

but I assure you she's
doing nothing wrong.

She's in love.

Mrs. Findlay,
there is a difference

between sex and love.

Oh, but the
difference is so small.

Mrs. Findlay, if
Victoria's mother

were to learn of this matter,

it would kill the poor woman.

Now tonight, I have
to work on a 747

flying to Trinidad, but I
shall return on Sunday

and I shall take my daughter

back to the West Indies with me.

Now look, Mr. Butterfield,

you cannot force
Victoria to go home.

Mrs. Findlay, you
leave me no alternative.

I cannot permit Victoria

to stay in this
permissive atmosphere.

Victoria was taught to
follow the righteous path

in a God-fearing home.

Sounds to me as if it
wasn't God she was afraid of,

it was you.

Actually, there's really
very little difference

between us.

So you think you're God,
huh? You think you're perfect.

Now I can tell
you, your fly's open.

Oh come on, Maude, cheer up.

You're putting a damper
on the whole evening.

Walter's right, Maude.

Now we've been looking forward

to this restaurant all week,

please cheer up.

How can I cheer up, Vivian?

You heard Mr. Butterfield.

When he comes
back from Trinidad,

he's going to be
taking Victoria home.

I have never met a
man more old-fashioned,

more straight-laced,
more stuffy.

He does have a point, though.

I forgot about you, Arthur.

You know we all love Victoria.

She's a wonderful person

and she's just like
one of your family,

and when she leaves, it's
going to be like losing a daughter.

But are you going
to let that tragedy

ruin your whole evening?

No.

Let's dance, Viv.

Oh.

- Arthur.
- Hmm?

Do something to cheer Maude up.

Captain?

Yes, sir?

Do you have frog's legs?

Yes.

How do you keep from
jumping out of your pants?

Captain, I'll have a
large steak knife for three.

Thanks, never mind.

Maude, that was funny.

Where's your sense of humor?

It's on the way to
Trinidad in a 747.

Look, I don't want to
ruin everybody's night.

Why don't I go home and
the three of you have dinner?

No, Maude.

Maude, you can't leave.

The evening won't
be any fun without you.

Yes, it will.

Look, maybe if I go
to the powder room

and freshen up and then
come back and have a drink,

maybe then I'll feel
like having a good time.

Honey, would you
get me a vodka martini

on the rocks, please?

Yes.

Move over.

- What?
- Move over, move over.

Move over.

Mr. Butterfield is
sitting right behind us

with a beautiful young girl.

- Did he see you?
- No, no.

He's sitting back
there on the platform

and don't let him see you.

Boy, she is beautiful.

Butterfield can really pick 'em.

He said he's a God-fearing man,

what he is is a
born-again letch.

Now wait a minute, Maudie.

The man is not
necessarily a roué.

I think we ought to give the man

the benefit of the doubt.

Now, everybody knows
on a crowded Friday night

in a hotel restaurant,

they sometimes ask
singles to sit together.

Maybe he's just
sharing her table.

Look where his hand is.

He's also sharing her knee.

Walter.

Now, wait a minute.

You know, Butterfield's flight

might have been canceled

and the woman
could be a stewardess.

It's not uncommon
for two members

of the same airline crew

to have dinner together.

That's a very good explanation.

I'll bet it's
perfectly innocent.

Marvelous dinner, George.

Would you see that
our usual brandies

are sent up to the room?

Certainly, sir, and
you're in room 747?

That's right.

Come along, Lola, my love.

Good night, Mr. Butterfield.

- Ta ta.
- Good night, Miss Trinidad.

Ta ta.

Maude, Mr. Butterfield lied

about taking a 747 to Trinidad.

I know, but he's close.

He's taking a Trinidad to 747.

Okay, I'll tell her.

And I'm glad you
had a good time.

Who had a good time?

That was Hank calling.
Victoria just dropped him off

and she'll be right home.

I'll bet she had
a great weekend.

I'm sure she had
a great weekend.

I'm sure her father
had a great weekend.

I'm the only one who
had a miserable weekend.

I didn't sleep
one wink all night

because of Mr. Butterfield.

Don't worry, Maude.

I'll bet you Mr. Butterfield

didn't get much sleep either.

That lucky duck.

Walter, it is not funny.

No, it's not funny, Maude.

It's inspirational.

Walter, it is not funny.

Now come on, I think, you know,

Mr. Butterfield has
been so self-righteous

where Victoria's concerned,

and yet he's staying
in a hotel with a woman.

A woman half his age.

That lucky duck.

Walter, sit down.

I have a little story
that reminds me

of what we're talking about.

There was once
a little orphan boy

who had a little pony

whom he loved very, very much.

Well...

One day the little pony

ran away into the woods.

The little orphan
boy followed him

and when he found him, Walter,

do you know what he did?

He poured hot coffee

on the pony's foot.

What are you, are you crazy?

Why did you pour
hot coffee on me?

I wanted to see if you
had any sensitivity at all.

Oh, hi.

Is Victoria back yet?

No, she should
be here any minute.

You know, Maude,
maybe Victoria should know

the truth about her father.

The lucky duck.

I think Walter has a point.

If Victoria finds out
about Lola Trinidad,

then she's not going to
let her father run her life.

Vivian, I can't
possibly tell Victoria

that her father is fooling
around with a young woman.

I mean, it would
absolutely destroy her.

But, Maude, you
love to destroy people.

Vivian. Do you know the story

about the little orphan boy?

I saw the movie

with Buzzy the Wonder Horse.

It starred Roddy McDowall.

You know, I saw
him the other night

on "The Rockford Files."

Really?

Yes, and he hasn't
aged much at all.

Well, Roddy McDowall
has such a boyish face.

No, no, no. I'm talking about
Buzzy the Wonder Horse.

I saw Buzzy the Wonder Horse

in "Oats Must Fall."

Maude, remember?

Buzzy in "Oats Must Fall?"

Will the two of you stop talking

about Buzzy the Wonder Horse?

I'm very worried about Victoria.

Her father's going to
be here any minute.

Maude, I forgot to tell you,

her father isn't coming.

No, no. I've had this very
strange feeling all morning

and you know I'm very intuitive.

You know I inherited
special powers

of ESP from my grandmother.

Well, believe me when I tell you

Mr. Butterfield
won't have the nerve

to show up here.

He won't show up.

Wait a minute.

What?

That's him now.

Your ESP s-t-i-n-k-s.

Mr. Butterfield, we were
just talking about you.

You remember Mrs.
Harmon, my husband Walter.

Mr. Findlay.

How was Trinidad?

As usual, a delight.

- You lucky...
- Walter.

Walter, darling,

don't you have
paperwork to do upstairs?

Say goodbye to Mr. Duck.

Vivian.

Oh, right.

Well, I guess I'll just
be moseying along.

That's what they
always used to say

at the end of those Buzzy
the Wonder Horse movies.

And then Buzzy the Wonder Horse

would shake his head and go...

Charming woman.

And not a bad little horse.

I trust Victoria's upstairs
packing as I ordered.

Oh, actually no.

No? My daughter's defying me?

Oh, no, no, no.
She's not defying you.

Well what is it, Mrs. Findlay?

Where is she? Why
isn't she here right now?

Well, I have some
very exciting news.

Victoria and her boyfriend Hank

were secretly
married last Friday.

She just called and
confessed to me on the phone.

They're on their honeymoon now,

isn't that exciting?

Well, I was just so delighted

I told her she doesn't
have to be back here

- until Wednesday.
- I'm home.

Or this afternoon,
if she preferred.

Oh, Father.

What a nice surprise.

I didn't expect you.

What happened?

I broke my toe.

Oh my, darling, I am so sorry.

How did that happen?

Our tent collapsed.

Go to your room and pack.

- Pack?
- Oh, Victoria,

I hope that this accident

didn't spoil the honeymoon.

I'm afraid I let the
cat out of the bag.

I told your father
that you and Hank

had gotten married.

You told my father
I was married?

Victoria, look me in the eye.

Tell me the truth.

Are you married?

Are you married?

No, Father.

Now who are you going
to believe, her or me?

Mrs. Findlay.

Oh, you stay out of this, gimpy.

Victoria, I know what
you did this weekend.

Your conduct is disgraceful.

You are leaving this house.

I am not leaving this house.

Well, it will kill
your poor mother

when she learns
of your behavior.

Mama? You won't tell mama.

I must. I have no choice.

Unless, of course, you decide

to go back to St.
Norman with me.

I'll go pack.

Mr. Butterfield,
I cannot believe

that you would
stoop to threatening

the poor girl's mother.

It's a matter of integrity.

I've always been
straightforward and honest

with Victoria's mother.

I have no secrets from my wife.

May I suggest one?

I don't receive your meaning.

Does the word Trinidad

mean anything to you?

Trinidad is a very
beautiful island.

Surrounded on all sides

by a middle-aged family man

from the West Indies.

I've just received your meaning.

I take it you were at the
Lancelot Hotel last night?

Right, and from what I gather,

you prance a lot
at the Lancelot.

It's entirely innocent.

I see I must explain to you.

You see, Lola Trinidad

was a tiny babe in our island.

Her mother died
giving birth to her

in a cane field.

And then her father,

in a desperate effort
to get milk for the child,

was killed in a fall

from a coconut tree.

Yes, it was after that

that the polio struck.

Polio.

You would have been
saddened to see those little limbs.

We elders in the village

banded together to get her

the best medical care.

I was the leader in that effort.

Thank the Lord,
the child recovered

and today, Lola Trinidad
is a fashion model

in New York City.

And now whenever I get a chance,

I try to have dinner with her,

just to reassure myself

that she is healthy.

It's a very moving story.

But a happy one.

Lola has the complete
use of her legs.

And so do you.

You didn't buy it.

Not one word of it.

Well, it was worth a shot.

Well, I assume
that at least now,

you'll let Victoria stay here.

Certainly not.

Nothing has changed.

Victoria's conduct
was disgraceful.

Disgr... you're the
one who's disgraceful.

You are a married man,

you don't care anything
about your wife's feelings.

Mrs. Findlay, how dare you.

You are speaking about
the mother of my child.

I adore my wife.

She is an angelic woman.

She is a pure
woman, she is a saint.

Wait a minute, who are
you married to down there,

Debbie Boone?

Come, come, Mrs. Findlay,

you're a woman of the world,

you understand these things.

Although I adore my wife,

occasionally I
get a little itch.

And when that happens,

I like to get my back scratched.

My husband just rubs
himself against the doorway.

Well, as we say in St. Norman,

"Different strokes
for different folks."

Well, I think
you're disgraceful.

You're immoral,
you're unrepentant.

Come, come, Mrs. Findlay.

You're beginning to sound
like Debbie Boone yourself.

And I might add,

Pat would never allow Debbie

to go off on a shameful weekend.

In other words, you're saying
what's good for the old goose

is not necessarily proper
for the young gander.

I hardly consider
myself an old goose.

Yeah, well if I were you,
I'd take another gander.

Mrs. Findlay, what
Victoria did was wrong

because she is a young woman.

My case is
different, I am a man.

Ah.

The old double standard.

Ah, a student of history.

Ah, shut up.

You cannot use being
a man as an excuse.

Well, it works with Lola.

Does your wife know about this?

Heavens, no.

It would kill the poor woman.

She's a saint, she has
no business living anyway.

What about Victoria,
would she understand?

Oh, no, no, no.

It would hurt her deeply.

Well, Mr. Butterfield,

the choice is up to you.

Should we hurt your daughter

or kill your wife?

How much time do
we have left, father?

Victoria, I've been having

a very enlightening conversation

with dear, dear Mrs. Findlay

and she has pointed it out to me

that perhaps I am wrong
to insist that you live

up to my high moral standard.

Naturally, being a
bit straight-laced,

I cannot condone
today's permissive society.

On the other hand, Vicky,

I love you enough to
let you lead your own life.

Of course you may stay.

Oh, Father, thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry I got
lipstick on your collar.

Didn't even change his shirt.

You know, I'm very proud of you.

You've made Victoria very happy.

But you didn't really think

that I would say anything

to either your wife
or to Victoria, did you?

Of course not. I never
thought you would.

Then what made you
change your mind?

Well, Mrs. Findlay,

you have a way
of putting things,

you are a very
intelligent woman.

I might add too, a
very handsome woman

and the first time I saw you,

you were very exciting.

You were like an
uncharted island,

just waiting, waiting
to be discovered.

Thank you very much. Sit down.

You know, I have a little story

I want to tell you.

There was this orphan boy...

"Maude" was recorded on
videotape before a studio audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪