Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 24 - The New Maid - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Here, Arthur. You hungry? Eat.

(sniffing)

Walter, do you call this lunch?

Well, it's all the
food I could find

in the refrigerator.



This isn't food. It's
an aluminum mine.

Do you think it's safe to eat?

I don't even think
it's safe to look at.

- Oh, hello, Arthur. Hi, honey.
- Hi, Maudie.

Will you look at all this stuff
I got out of the refrigerator?

Is it food or what?

Uh, let's see. This
is some spinach pie

left over from Anna Pascoe's
wedding a few weeks ago.

This is breaded shrimp from
the League of Women Voters

annual fish fry last month.

This is blueberry grunt

left over from Vivian's
brunch last Sunday.

Maude, why do you even bother
to bring any of this stuff home?

I'll tell you why I
bring it home, Walter.

Because it is a sin to let
perfectly good food go to waste!

Oh, hi, Maude. I'm ready!

Oh, I'll be with
you in a second.

Listen, Walter,
when Vivian and I

are shopping in New York today,

the employment agency may
call about a new housekeeper.

But you can never replace Mrs.
Naugatuck, can you, Maude?

Well, I certainly have
not had any luck so far.

Oh, and listen, Walter.
If the agency calls,

tell them that any housekeeper

they send over for an
interview has to be black.

Why do housekeepers
have to be black?

Is that a new law?

No, Vivian. I want my new
housekeeper to be black.

I made my decision
after I saw "Roots."

You know, that really made

a tremendous
impression on me, Viv.

Until that time, I had no idea

to the extent that black people

have been abused and mistreated,

and so, in my own small way,

I want to do something
to help make up for that.

So we're letting one of
them clean our house.

Walter, you're missing
the whole point.

Well, what is the point, Maude?

Why do you have to
have a black woman?

Because I can learn
from a black woman

the way I learned from Florida.

Remember when she worked for us?

Oh, she had such
pride in her heritage.

She had spunk.
She stood up to me.

She didn't take any guff
from me and I admire that.

Gee, I wish I was black.

It wouldn't hurt.

Anyway, I want that same
kind of housekeeper again,

but for some reason or
other, the agency says

they're having a lot of difficulty
finding any black domestics.

Well, since "Roots," they're
probably all at home writing books.

Arthur, I certainly wouldn't expect
you to understand. Come on, Viv.

We don't wanna miss
the bus to New York.

Now, you two be careful!

That place is
crawling with psychos

who think nothing
of beating you up

- and taking all your money.
- Oh, come on, now, Arthur.

I have always found
the sales people

at Bloomingdale's
extremely polite.

I'm not talking about
Bloomingdale's, especially.

I mean, New York! It's not safe!

Arthur, don't worry. Look.

(loud whistle tweets)

I have that rape
whistle you bought me.

That's a wonderful thing to
have, but don't blow it in New York.

The police can't
be trusted either.

Look, Arthur. I'm
gonna throw this stuff out

and then we can watch the game.

Oop, hold it! Not the blueberry!

I can never get
enough of Vivian's grunt!

(Vivian) Oh! Maude!

Maude!

Oh, I don't like this!

Maude, Arthur says
subways aren't safe!

Oh, come on, now, Vivian. You know this
is the quickest way to the bus terminal.

Besides, Vivian,

it isn't crime that makes New
York seems so dangerous,

it's fear!

Believe me, you know, if
people just took the time to smile

and say a cheerful hello,

well, it would be a
much safer place.

Really, Maude?

Here, I'll show you what I mean.

Hello!

(blows raspberry)

You see, Viv? A cheerful hello,

a nice friendly smile makes
all the difference in the world.

That's amazing!

I guess I'm just
going to have to learn

to be more friendly
on the subway.

As we begin our journey,

could I interest you
ladies in a little drinkie?

Uh, no, none for
me, thanks. Maude?

No!

You would let a man drink alone?

Reprehensible!

Vivian, I forgot.

You should never ride the
subway during cocktail hour.

Hey!

You pick that up.

- Vivian...!
- I don't wanna.

- Do you do that at home?!
- Vivian!

As a matter of
fact, madam, I do!

Hey! Hey!

(Maude) Vivian, Vivian,
will you please sit down?

- He ticks me off!
- Vivian, forget about it!

Oh, good. Here, take these, too.

Hello!

Hello, lady!

I was wondering if you
had an extra 50 cents.

Maude, don't give it to
her. It might be a trick.

Oh, come on, Vivian.
How could it be a trick?

Of course I'll give
her the money,

but just in case,
keep your whistle out.

Yes, I can spare 50 cents.

Good! Because if these packages

are going to be sitting
while I'm standing,

I think you should
buy them a seat!

Oh! I'm terribly sorry!

I really am so sorry. Here.

Sometimes I'm very thoughtless.

Right, Viv?

My name is Maude
Findlay. I sell real estate!

This is my friend,
Vivian Harmon.

And what is she? A lion tamer?

Put away the whistle, Vivian!

(loudly) You have
a lovely accent.

I'll bet you're from
the West Indies.

Yes. Why you want to know?

I'm from Tuckahoe.

I've always been
interested in the West Indies.

As a matter of fact,

my very favorite singer
is Harry Belafonte.

Who?

Harry Belafonte. You know...

♪ Day-o! Day-o! ♪

(chuckles) Oh,
him! He's all right.

But he doesn't sing as
sweet as Andy Williams.

Andy Williams?

You know... ♪ Moon River! ♪

I love him!

Uh, excuse me,
miss, but I would think

that you would take more
pride in your own traditions.

Forget Andy Williams.

I mean, you come
from the islands

where they have such
beautiful native music!

People down there
make up calypso songs

just walking down the street!

I can make up calypso song.

Of course you can!

Why don't you make
one up right now?

Oh, yeah, do! That'd be fun!

- You want me
to make up a song?
- Oh, yes!

- All right, I'll make up
a song for you.
- Okay!

♪ Bigmouthed woman
on a subway train! ♪

♪ Words come out
like a lot of rain. ♪

Everybody!

♪ Bigmouthed woman
on a subway train! ♪

♪ Words come out
like a lot of rain! ♪

(All) ♪ Bigmouthed
woman on a subway train! ♪

♪ Words come out
like a lot of rain! ♪

- ♪ Bigmouthed... ♪
- Vivian, my purse is open!

Vivian! My wallet is gone!

That woman stole my wallet!

- What? What?
- Come back here!

- Come back!
- My gosh!

(whistle tweeting)

Wait! Wait! I've got her!

(shouting)

Oh! Oh, no! She got away!

Not completely.

I can't get over it, Walter.
I just can't get over it.

Maude, you'll have a drink,

Arthur and Viv will be over,

we'll have a nice evening
and you'll forget all about it.

But, Walter, it was
all so calculated.

She asked me for 50 cents,
and then when I opened my purse,

she saw where my wallet was.

Then, like a fool, I let
her sit down next to me.

- Now, just calm down, Maude.
- (doorbell rings)

It's Arthur and
Viv. I'll get it.

And she knew exactly how
to take my mind off my purse...

She put down Harry Belafonte.

And you know how
crazy that makes me!

- Yes?
- Findlay residence?

Walter, that's the woman!

That's the woman who
stole my wallet this afternoon!

Your woman got a loose
pebble on her beach!

I want $18 for me dress.

Maybe Harry Belafonte likes
his chest showing, but I don't!

How dare you come
here! Walter, call the police!

$18!

Walter, the phone!

- (phone ringing)
- Right!

You must take me
for a complete fool.

I mean, first you
steal my wallet

and then you come
here asking for money.

I don't know nothing
about no wallet! I want $18!

If you had asked me for
the money this afternoon,

I would have given
it to you, but no!

You had to steal my wallet.

Well, I want you
to know something.

I have always been a
friend to the black people.

But there are a lot of whites
who are not the enlightened,

caring human beings that I am,
and when you stole that wallet,

you just reinforced their
senseless, stupid prejudices,

and that saddens me.

You have a great deal to
make up for, young lady.

- Maude.
- Yes, Walter?

That was Bloomingdale's.

You left your wallet in
the lingerie department.

♪ Bigmouthed woman
on a subway train! ♪

♪ Words come out
like a lot of rain! ♪

Sing it in the round, huh?

♪ Bigmouthed woman
on a subway train! ♪

♪ Words come out... ♪

I don't know what to
say. How did you find me?

Well, you say your
name was Maude Findlay

and you were from Tuckahoe, eh?

So I just looked in
the Yellow Pages

under "Bigmouthed Woman."

Thank you. I deserved that.

Look, ma'am, all I want
is $18 for a new dress.

Of course, of course.
Walter, she wants $18.

I'll get my wallet.

Uh, won't you sit down?

This is... all so terribly
awkward for me,

miss...

excuse me, I don't
even know your name.

Victoria Butterfield.

"Victoria Butterfield."

That's always been
my favorite name.

Uh, look, Victoria,

I want you to know that I did
not accuse you because you're

(whispering) black.

Uh, believe me, I
have always been

a crusader for racial justice,
from the very beginning.

You know, back in the '60s,

a group of concerned
white people went down

to Selma, Alabama to
march for racial equality.

Oh, Victoria, you have
no idea what it was like.

Sheriffs with mace
and attack dogs,

angry mobs throwing rocks!

Every white person down
there was in dire physical danger.

And so?

I donated $25 to that march.

Andy Williams gave a hundred.

Oh, it's obvious I'm just
not getting through to you!

Look, lady, I didn't come
here for no skylarking.

I just want me
money, that's all.

You're not interested in the
black problem at all, are you?

The only color problem I
got is that this black person

can't get her green
money from the white lady!

- Here we go.
- Oh, did you have the $18?

All I got is a 20. Do
you have change?

Walter...!

Walter, this is
Victoria Butterfield.

Victoria, this is my
husband, Walter Findlay.

How do you do, Victoria?

Why all the introductions?
Is this a subway?

Walter, I'm afraid that
Victoria isn't interested

in all I've done for her people.

She just doesn't care
about those things.

That's right. I'm
not interested.

Daylight come and
me wan' go home.

That's right, go home! But
let me tell you something.

I need a housekeeper
and I am not going to let you

discourage me from
hiring a black woman,

because I am interested in
the cause of social justice.

- You need a housekeeper?
- Yes!

I could be your housekeeper.

Well...

I need someone with
a lot of experience.

I've got plenty experience.

Well, uh... I mean, you'd
have to have references.

I got excellent references.

- Well...
- Maude, why not?

You know perfectly
well why not, Walter.

I mean, we have all those people

- coming over from the agency.
- No, we don't.

The agency called.
They're out of blacks.

Ever since "Roots."

But they're running
a special on Filipinos.

Oh, please, ma'am!

I come from a small
island of St. Norman,

just three months ago to
keep house for a nice family,

but all of a sudden
they moved to Europe.

And I now I don't have no
job. I don't have no money,

and another thing...

me clothes ain't what
they used to be either.

Oh, come on, Maude.
Give her a break.

Oh, all right, all right.
I'll tell you what we'll do.

Let's try it out for
this evening, okay?

I'm having a few
neighbors over for cocktails.

I have some hors d'oeuvres
heating in the oven.

Why don't you serve them and
then we'll see how it turns out?

Oh, thank you, ma'am. Thank you!

Hey, it's kinda late. Maybe
she can spend the night

in Mrs. Naugatuck's old room.

Walter, I don't think that
would be a good idea.

Mrs. Naugatuck's
room is so messy.

Oh, that's all right
ma'am! I'll clean it up good.

You'll see, ma'am! Everything
gonna be hunky dory!

Maude, I think
she's gonna be fine.

- Why are you so down on her?
- Why? Why?

You mean you don't see
it, Walter? Are you so slow?

So dimwitted? So unperceptive

that I have to
explain it to you!?

Yes.

Walter, the woman
has absolutely no pride!

No pride! I tried to
have her arrested today.

I tore her dress. She
should be furious with me.

But the moment the job was
mentioned, she began all that,

"Oh, yes, ma'am. Oh,
I do good work, ma'am.

Everything gonna be
hunky dory, ma'am!"

You had a job to offer, she
wanted it. What did you expect?

Walter, it would be
a disgrace to hire

a black woman who had
absolutely no racial pride.

How can you say she
doesn't have any racial pride?

Because I know she
doesn't. She told me.

She told... what'd she say?

She likes Andy Williams!
What more do you want?

(doorbell rings)

- (Maude) Oh, hello, Arthur.
- Hi, Maude.

Oh, hello, Maude,
you poor thing!

Vivian has been telling me what
happened on the subway today.

It is shocking!

Well, it's a thing of the past.

That's not the way
I see it, Maude.

Could I get you guys a drink?

A little Scotch would be nice.

Um, I'll just have my
usual, please, Walter.

Oh, Vivian, I'm sorry.

I'm out of crème de coco and I
don't have any fresh papayas.

Oh. Well, then,

whatever.

Now, Maude, did
you call the police?

No, no, no. There's no
need to call the police.

There most certainly is! Believe
me, Maude, in cases of this kind,

a little police brutality
never hurt anyone.

Arthur, you just
don't understand.

You certainly
don't have to worry

about giving the police
a description, Maude,

because I remember every
detail about that woman.

Thank you.

I bet if I lived
to be a hundred,

I will never forget
that woman's face.

That face is emblazoned
in my memory forever.

Are these cheese?

I mean, I would know
that woman anywhere!

Vivian, this is
Victoria Butterfield...

The woman on the
subway this afternoon?

Oh.

Hello!

I didn't recognize you!

Well, that's American
justice for you.

She's out on parole already.

Arthur, Victoria didn't
even touch my wallet.

Then what in the
world is she doing here?

Oh, she's gonna be our new maid.

Walter, it is not "maid."
It is "housekeeper."

Okay. She's gonna be
our new housekeeper.

- No, she isn't.
- What's the matter, ma'am?

You don't like the
hors d'oeuvres?

No, it has nothing
to do with that.

No, they're really very good.

A little cheese,
a little sausage.

- They're excellent.
- A nice delicate pastry dough.

They're the best hors
d'oeuvres I've ever tasted.

Oh, thank you, ma'am.

Wait a minute, what am I
saying? I made them myself!

Mrs. Findlay, why don't you
want me to be your maid?

All right, I better lay
my cards on the table.

Would you excuse me?
I'd like to speak to Victoria.

Oh, sure. Why don't you guys
come out to the kitchen with me?

I'll teach you this darling
song I learned today.

It's called...

♪ Bigmouthed woman
on the subway train! ♪

Uh, sit down, Victoria.

All right, ma'am,
what's the problem?

Victoria, I'm going
to ask you a question.

It's... very personal,

but it's very important

and a great deal depends
on what your answer is.

Did you watch "Roots"?

Yes, ma'am.

Did you like it?

I liked Chuck Connors.

You see? That's the problem!

All you care about is Chuck
Connors and Andy Williams!

- And Wayne Newton!
- Wayne Newton?! That does it!

Out of my house!

Why? Because I
like Wayne Newton?

No!

Because you don't care
about where you come from.

And you do?

Well, of course.

So where you come from, eh?

Well, uh...

my, uh, father's father
came from England,

but actually he
was part-Scottish.

And my grandmother
came from France,

but it was really
Alsace-Lorraine,

so she may have been German.

And my mother's
father was mostly Dutch

and her mother came from
either Romania or Hungary.

Oh, you poor white lady.

- What do you mean?
- You don't have any roots!

You see? That's it! That
is it! That is the problem!

All you want to
do is make jokes!

This is why you
cannot work for me!

You have no pride whatsoever
in where you come from.

You have no pride
about being black!

I have no pride?!

Lady, I love the
island of St. Norman!

The water here is no place
as blue as the water there!

No trees here carry a lovely
mango like the trees there!

All that is here that
isn't there is money,

and I need that to
send to my family,

but I don't need it so bad
that I have to put up with you!

There have been no slaves
on St. Norman since 1684,

so keep your damn
job, "Mrs. Roots"!

Now, wait a minute, Vict...

And don't tell me about pride!

I've been black a
lot longer than you!

Victoria, you are...
you are marvelous!

I insist that you be
my housekeeper!

What you got in your head?
A sparrow flying 'round?!

Don't you see? Things
would be different now!

We would be on an equal footing.

- I don't think so.
- Aw, Victoria.

Give it a chance! I'd
love to have you here.

- And I'd love to have you here.
- And I certainly don't mind.

Well, maybe. But I
don't want to spend

an indeterminate period
of time in domestic service.

"An indeterminate period..."
Walter, did you hear that?

She speaks English
better than you do!

Wow, look at that.

I want to study at school
and I want to learn a career

and I need plenty
of time off for that.

Oh, Victoria, you can have
as much time off as you need.

And I don't like the idea

of spending the
night in a messy room.

- I'll clean it myself.
- Also...

I know what to
clean and I clean it.

I don't take no orders.

May I make an
occasional suggestion?

We'll see.

Why don't I try
it for a week, eh?

Oh, Victoria... Victoria,
you're gonna love it here!

I hope so.

Well, I'll go fix the
hors d'oeuvres now.

You better get started
cleaning me room.

- Right away!
- And Mrs. Findlay?

Yes?

I don't do windows.

Who does?

Yes... we gonna get along fine.

Hunky dory.

It looks like we got
ourselves a housekeeper!

(laughing) Congratulations!

Walter, did you see how
I brought out her pride?

Walter, I have her
right where I want her.

Come on now, why don't we
go upstairs and clean her room?

(Vivian) Oh, yes.

♪ Grab a little dustpan,
bring a little broom ♪

♪ We make-a the bed,
and we sweep-a the room ♪

♪ Bring a little Lysol! ♪

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪