Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 2 - Maude and Chester - full transcript
Maude and her ex-husband meet to clear up some legal issues and end up being locked in the lawyers office at the end of the day.
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
(Harry) Maude? Chester?
It's hard to believe
that we're all back
in my law offices
after all these years.
I was just trying to remember,
when did you two get married?
Oh, Harry, is it important?
And I just spent two hours
with my least
favorite ex-husband.
I'd really like to get this
damn thing over with.
I was just wondering. When
did you two get married?
It was like June of
1950, wasn't it, Maude?
November 1952.
Or was it May 1950?
No, that was the Korean War.
What's the difference? I've
never had any memory for dates.
Me neither, I'm
terrible at dates.
Well, when did you
two get a divorce?
(both) April 10th, 1954.
(both) At 2:30.
Right.
Now, all we have to
do is Xerox this stuff,
sign it and by next week,
that five acres in Maine
is going to belong to
another happy couple.
Listen, you know,
it's 6:30. It's kinda late.
How would you like to
finish all this on Monday?
- Oh, no, no, no...
- Good for me, that's good
for me. Monday's fine.
I have not seen you in 20
years. You have not changed.
You are still willing to put
everything off until tomorrow.
- I have always hated that.
- Look, Maude.
It's Friday, the guy
wants to go home.
- Besides I can get a couple...
- How long will it take?
- I will Xerox
the documents myself.
- (telephone ringing)
We'll do it on Monday.
There's no problem.
We can sign it
and get it over
with once and for all.
Harry, aren't you going
to answer the phone?
- (telephone rings)
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I keep forgetting
I'm the last one here.
Hello?
Oh, ah, hi, Harriet.
Listen, I'm gonna
be a little late tonight.
Well, I'm tied up
with a divorced couple
who have some property up here
in Maine they wanna split it up...
Divorced couple.
Tell the truth, Chester,
the day we got married,
did you ever think
that we'd end up being
referred to as a divorced couple?
Thought flashed through my mind.
That was one of the
problems with our marriage,
most of the things that made it
into your mind just flashed through.
Listen, can you hang on?
I'm gonna take this in my office.
You know, the
problem with you two?
You just don't know how to
get along with one another.
I really think Harry's
wasting his time in law.
I mean, with insight like that,
he could have been my mother.
I'll just run this through
while we're waiting.
Listen, by the way,
how is your mother?
Look, Chester, don't
start on my mother!
Maude. Maude!
I am not starting anything.
I have not seen your
mother in 20 years.
I was just wondering
how she is and that is all.
Oh, I'm sorry, Chester.
She's fine. She's just fine.
Too bad.
Unfortunately, my
poor father is dead,
or else I could cheer you up
with some bad news about him.
Him I liked.
You know, I have to admit
you were the only person
who knew how to
talk to my father.
That's because he never
knew that that blank stare
was your idea of holding
your own in conversation.
That's perfect. That's perfect,
Maude! That is so typical.
I haven't seen you in 20
years, so why don't we just
spend the time talking
about how dumb I was.
- Shall we do that?
- Chester, we only have
five minutes!
Besides, I never knew whether
you were smart or dumb!
You were never home long
enough for me to find out!
If you weren't over
at the high school,
coaching your football team,
"I'm going to turn you
bunch of wimpies into a team!
- Or my name isn't
old Iron Head."
- Butt.
- What?
- I was Iron Butt,
not Iron Head.
Sorry, Chester, but with you,
it's an understandable mix-up.
Anyway, if you weren't
over at the high school,
you were over at Golden
Gloves, teaching little boys
how to hit each
other in the face.
- Maude.
- Or you were whooping it up
at, uh, that grill.
- Farriger's.
- Right, with those guys.
Look, Maude, I would appreciate
it if you just move this thing along.
Would you?
All right, all right.
Would you just be quiet
- and let me
concentrate on what I'm doing?
- Alright, I won't say a word.
It'll be just like
we're married again.
Listen, can we wind this up...
(chuckles) Terrific!
Harriet, we're in luck.
Well, it looks
like they just left.
It's a shame. Divorces
can really be nasty.
I'm so glad ours is
going along so smoothly!
Hey, listen!
I can still catch the 6:52! Bye!
(humming)
I'm almost finished. We'll
be out of here in no time.
Not that I imagine you have
any pressing engagements
to go to dressed like that.
Why, what's the matter
with the way I'm dressed?
Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.
I mean, it makes perfect sense
to show up for business meeting
at a lawyer's office
in midtown Manhattan
dressed like a Concord grape.
There you go again, Maude!
Always a little joke at
my expense. Slam dunk!
I'm sorry, Chester. In fact...
you look very attractive
in that windbreaker.
Thank you.
I sell these now.
- You're kidding?
- No, $34.95.
Fabulous.
40% polyester, 50% cotton,
machine washable,
- comes in six different colors.
- Who cares, Chester?
- Huh?
- Who cares, Chester?
You mean, you don't
teach Phys Ed anymore?
No, no, I've got my own
company now, sporting goods.
I got over 30 employees.
What are you staring at?
Ah, I was...
just remembering that
gorgeous young Greek God
who made football
history at Newton High.
Yes.
Still hold the
school record, right?
Hey, 22 touchdowns
in one season.
The only time you ever spoke to
me was once when you asked me
to hold your Letterman
sweater so you could
crawl under the bleachers
with Mary Louise Walchek.
Mary Louise Walchek, huh?
I held the school
record with her, too.
I don't think I ever saw her
without grass stains on her blouse.
Gee, I wonder whatever
happened to her.
She's still the organist
at her father's church.
Anyway, the next thing I
knew, and this was years later,
Barney had died, I was a
young widow with a small child...
and suddenly there you were
- back in my life again.
- That was our class reunion,
was it?
You know, you seemed
so interested in me.
I kept wondering what
a brainy girl like you
- saw in a guy like me.
- I used to ask myself
the same question.
But after we were married,
when I was home alone and
you were down at Farriger's...
Oh, Maude, Maude, come
on now. It's 20 years now.
Let's not dig up that stuff.
What the hell was the big
attraction down at Farriger's?
I like to watch
TV with the guys!
We had television at
home! We had beer at home.
We also had you at home!
Maude, we're two
grown-up mature people.
Can't we spend five minutes
without tearing away at each other?
Look, let's face it.
There was never any
love lost between us.
And all you did
was aggravate me.
I... I aggravated you?!
How about all the little things
that used to aggravate me?!
Like when I used
to brush my teeth,
you'd have a sink full of combs
or silk stockings or something.
- You wanna talk? You wanna talk?
- Yeah!
- You wanna talk?!
- Go ahead!
How about how you
woke up every morning
snorting with that
post-nasal drip of yours?!
And the way you ate poached
eggs with your mouth open.
- I never ate poached eggs
with my mouth open.
- Open wide! Open!
You cannot eat poached
eggs with your mouth...
Bad enough having wife
problems when you're married
I'll be damned if I want
them when I'm single.
- I'm getting out.
- Great, great. Go ahead.
It's been great seeing
you again, Maude.
Put a couple of my copies in
the mail, would you please?
Ah, the door's stuck.
Hey, wait a minute. That's
not stuck. that's locked.
Oh, Chester, use your
head! The door isn't locked!
Harry, would you please
open the door from your side?
It seems to be stuck here.
Harry?
(Maude) Harry? (knocking)
Blow it out your
ditty bag, Chester.
Oh, my God! I bet
Harry's gone home.
Wait a minute, here's...
don't panic. Here's a phone.
Oh, this is for
incoming calls only.
Will you...
I think this is just
for incoming calls.
That's what it says,
"incoming calls."
Oh.
Wait a minute. This means we
could be stuck here for the weekend.
Chester, this is serious!
I know it is! With your mouth,
we'll be out of oxygen in 10 minutes.
- Let's just stop, huh?
- Okay.
I mean, why don't we forget that
we were married and be friends?
Fine with me. Okay.
I mean, why spend
the entire weekend
talking about what a
rotten husband you were?
- I was not a rotten husband.
- You were a rotten husband,
end of conversation, period!
What period? Comma!
Comma, because...
- Comma?
- Yes.
You've been going
to night school!
There you go again! You
see, I could never talk to you.
You would never
pay attention to me
when I wanted to have
a conversation with you.
The only time you wanted to
have a conversation with me
was when I was
just falling asleep!
You were always
just falling asleep!
There was never anything
that fantastic to stay awake for.
Tell that to Mary
Louise Walchek.
Help! Help! Help!
Please, there are two very
incompatible people locked in here!
Ooh!
Hey! Hey!
Oh, Maude, look at this!
(laughing)
Is a perfect copy
of my entire forearm!
Isn't that terrific?
Hair and all.
What time is it, Chester?
I told you five minutes ago.
Won't you even tell me
the time when I ask you?
Five minutes ago was
9:25. It is now 9:30.
In five minutes, it'll be 9:35.
(phone rings)
- Saved!
- Incoming call!
Hello? Look, please
don't say anything.
Let me talk. We're locked up...
A heavy breather.
- What?
- There is a heavy breather
on the other end.
Get him up here, will
you? Get him up here?
Talk sexy to him.
Get him up here!
Go ahead!
(gravelly) Hello.
Yes, I think I know
what you have in mind,
and it sounds interesting.
What do I look like?
Oh, uh, imagine
a pair of lazy eyes
like dark, limpid pools
and then move on
to lips that are red
and moist and throbbing.
And then head south to a body
like a hot, sun-ripened mango.
And now that you
have me in the mood,
why don't you just
hustled up to the 39th floor,
1240 Avenue of
the Americas and...
What do you mean
heights make you sick?
How can anything make you
sick after what you just suggested?!
Well, wait a minute,
please, if you can't come up,
will you at least
call a policeman?!
I see.
He is a policeman.
Oh, Maude.
I... I... I'm starved!
Oh, so am I.
Right now, I could kill
for a piece of chocolate.
Chocolate is nature's
most perfect food,
- did you know that, Chester?
- I never knew that.
It's proven by an
independent testing laboratory
in Hershey, Pennsylvania.
Have you got anything
to eat in your bag?
No, not unless you think a
Binaca Blast is nourishing.
Oh,
I remember you used to
carry Oreos and Fig Newtons
and ginger snaps...
That was just for Carol
when she was little.
I know, you spoil
that kid rotten.
Oh, no, how can you be so bitter about
cookies you haven't seen for 20 years?
Because it was always Oreos
and Fig Newtons for Carol.
Never Mallomars for me.
I love Mallomars.
You never bought me Mallomars.
I don't believe it. You
are still jealous of Carol.
- I was never jealous...
- You are jealous of Carol, admit it!
Why should I be
jealous of a little girl?
I could beat her at everything!
Checkers, Ping-Pong, badminton.
- That's right.
- Boxing, wrestling,
- weight lifting.
- That's right. That's right.
Just avoid the issue
like you always do.
Maude, I adored Carol. Okay?
Then why wouldn't you adopt her?
Why? That was your fault.
Because I could never
live up to your idea
of the perfect father.
Reading "A is for
Apple" was not me.
Understanding "A is
for Apple" was not you!
Blow it out your
ditty bag, Maude.
That's perfect. That's perfect.
I've said it before,
and I will say it again,
divorce with the
wrong man is hell.
But I suppose I should
thank you for at least
making that
decision easy for me.
No, you didn't
make that decision.
- I decided to divorce you.
- Just a moment, Chester.
I distinctly remember.
We were over at the Bradford's
for that swimming party.
- Right.
- We were in their bedroom,
putting on our bathing suits
and you said
something to me that
made me suddenly
realize I wanted a divorce.
- What did I say?
- You said I want a divorce.
- I never said that.
- Oh, come on now, Chester,
one of us had to say it! I
mean, it didn't just happen!
We never said it.
We never even talked about it.
We came home from
the party that day,
I packed my bag,
you just sat there and
you let me walk out.
We got a divorce without
- ever actually
deciding to do it.
- Yeah. Right,
and Maude, I don't actually remember
us deciding to get married either.
Oh, just a minute.
Now, maybe we don't remember
which of us decided to get the divorce,
but there is no doubt who
decided we should get married.
My mother.
My sister and her husband, hmm.
- And all our friends.
- Hmm.
I think it was because
we looked right
walking into a room together.
Oh, that's a great
reason, isn't it?
Everyone assumed it and we
just went ahead and did it. Boy.
We stumbled into
marriage and then...
we stumbled out of it.
Oh, Chester, that's so sad.
Oh, I'm sorry. I...
I had no idea!
It's alright, it's alright.
How do you like it?
- It's very attractive.
- Yes, it is.
You know,
I looked into hair transplants,
but the hair transplants
are very expensive.
And it hurts, too.
It's a very good one. Only $125,
- non-static nylon, color-fixed.
- That's fantastic.
You go to single's
bar, it's nice,
because if you wanna
pick up a few chicks...
Who cares, Chester?
I'm sorry, Chester.
You know something?
I like you better without it.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
(laughs)
You know something, Maude?
You really do
have luscious lips,
did I ever tell you that?
Those lazy eyes,
like dark limpid pools
and that sun-ripened
body like a mango.
Oh, Chester, I just
said those things
to try to get a degenerate
interested in me.
It worked.
Just think about it,
Maude. You know,
here we are, locked
up together here,
we don't even know what's
going on in the outside world.
I mean, maybe...
A Russian plane with an
atomic bomb is heading right now
to New York City.
- Uh, Chester.
- Yes?
Chester, in case the bomb hits,
I think Walter would feel
better if he found our bones
in two separate piles.
Listen, why don't you
just forget about Walter?
Just forget about
everything, will you?
- Just think about us.
- Please, be reasonable!
Not on the Xerox machine! A
copy might get back to Walter!
Perfect.
Per... what do
you mean, perfect?
You could have just
said, "No." You know?
You don't have to pull out
one of your famous witty lines.
You know, you always have
to be witty, Maude, don't you?
Well, I've always hated that.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
It just so happens
that other people love it.
(Chester) Well...
Plus,
you never had to
worry about being liked.
Big football hero. You
were always popular.
Yes, till I married you.
That's a cheap shot,
Chester, and you know it!
Well, it's true, Maude! You
were always more important.
- What?
- Yes, people were always
more interested in you.
- I don't understand.
- Well, just thank God
for Farriger's Bar and Grill.
The guys down there
liked me for myself!
They just knew that
I scored 24 points
against John
Marshall High School.
Well, I didn't have to feel
afraid that they were gonna...
Feel afraid?
Afr... you? Afraid?
Wow.
Whew.
Boy, oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Hmm. Yes, I was afraid.
I was just afraid,
Maude. I was afraid that...
I wasn't important anymore.
I couldn't compete with you.
You were always so... confident.
Con... confident?
(Chester) Yes.
- I was scared to death!
- What are you talking about?
Scared to death!
I learned in high school that
if a girl wanted to be popular,
she either had to be
gorgeous or funny, so...
I decided to be funny,
because, let's face it,
I was never gorgeous.
Just terribly attractive.
Inside, I was scared.
I was scared of you, too.
You mean...
You mean you didn't hate me?
Did you hate me?
No, I was scared, afraid.
Same with me.
Oh, Maude.
Why didn't we talk like
this 20 years ago, hmm?
I guess we were afraid.
Maude.
Don't even suggest it.
Maude, we just wiped
away 20 years of bitterness.
Look, I know what you're...
It could be the sweetest,
most loving, tender moment
that we ever share.
Oh, hello!
Oh, thank heaven!
There is a God!
No, I'm the cleaning lady.
Wouldn't you know.
The cleaning lady.
Do you want me
to come back later?
No, no, no, we were just
on our way out. Bless you.
Chester, why don't we stop off and
get a bite to eat before I go home?
We can sign these there. Huh?
Huh?
I was never so sorry to
be rescued in all of my life.
- (chuckles)
- Listen, Maude,
tell me something.
If all this had
happened 20 years ago,
you think things would
have been different?
I know it.
If we knew what we
know now... (sighs)
there wouldn't have
been all this bitterness.
We could have had a happy
and a healthy, marvelous,
wonderful divorce.
Perfect.
(music playing)
(vocalizing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And then... ♪
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
(Harry) Maude? Chester?
It's hard to believe
that we're all back
in my law offices
after all these years.
I was just trying to remember,
when did you two get married?
Oh, Harry, is it important?
And I just spent two hours
with my least
favorite ex-husband.
I'd really like to get this
damn thing over with.
I was just wondering. When
did you two get married?
It was like June of
1950, wasn't it, Maude?
November 1952.
Or was it May 1950?
No, that was the Korean War.
What's the difference? I've
never had any memory for dates.
Me neither, I'm
terrible at dates.
Well, when did you
two get a divorce?
(both) April 10th, 1954.
(both) At 2:30.
Right.
Now, all we have to
do is Xerox this stuff,
sign it and by next week,
that five acres in Maine
is going to belong to
another happy couple.
Listen, you know,
it's 6:30. It's kinda late.
How would you like to
finish all this on Monday?
- Oh, no, no, no...
- Good for me, that's good
for me. Monday's fine.
I have not seen you in 20
years. You have not changed.
You are still willing to put
everything off until tomorrow.
- I have always hated that.
- Look, Maude.
It's Friday, the guy
wants to go home.
- Besides I can get a couple...
- How long will it take?
- I will Xerox
the documents myself.
- (telephone ringing)
We'll do it on Monday.
There's no problem.
We can sign it
and get it over
with once and for all.
Harry, aren't you going
to answer the phone?
- (telephone rings)
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I keep forgetting
I'm the last one here.
Hello?
Oh, ah, hi, Harriet.
Listen, I'm gonna
be a little late tonight.
Well, I'm tied up
with a divorced couple
who have some property up here
in Maine they wanna split it up...
Divorced couple.
Tell the truth, Chester,
the day we got married,
did you ever think
that we'd end up being
referred to as a divorced couple?
Thought flashed through my mind.
That was one of the
problems with our marriage,
most of the things that made it
into your mind just flashed through.
Listen, can you hang on?
I'm gonna take this in my office.
You know, the
problem with you two?
You just don't know how to
get along with one another.
I really think Harry's
wasting his time in law.
I mean, with insight like that,
he could have been my mother.
I'll just run this through
while we're waiting.
Listen, by the way,
how is your mother?
Look, Chester, don't
start on my mother!
Maude. Maude!
I am not starting anything.
I have not seen your
mother in 20 years.
I was just wondering
how she is and that is all.
Oh, I'm sorry, Chester.
She's fine. She's just fine.
Too bad.
Unfortunately, my
poor father is dead,
or else I could cheer you up
with some bad news about him.
Him I liked.
You know, I have to admit
you were the only person
who knew how to
talk to my father.
That's because he never
knew that that blank stare
was your idea of holding
your own in conversation.
That's perfect. That's perfect,
Maude! That is so typical.
I haven't seen you in 20
years, so why don't we just
spend the time talking
about how dumb I was.
- Shall we do that?
- Chester, we only have
five minutes!
Besides, I never knew whether
you were smart or dumb!
You were never home long
enough for me to find out!
If you weren't over
at the high school,
coaching your football team,
"I'm going to turn you
bunch of wimpies into a team!
- Or my name isn't
old Iron Head."
- Butt.
- What?
- I was Iron Butt,
not Iron Head.
Sorry, Chester, but with you,
it's an understandable mix-up.
Anyway, if you weren't
over at the high school,
you were over at Golden
Gloves, teaching little boys
how to hit each
other in the face.
- Maude.
- Or you were whooping it up
at, uh, that grill.
- Farriger's.
- Right, with those guys.
Look, Maude, I would appreciate
it if you just move this thing along.
Would you?
All right, all right.
Would you just be quiet
- and let me
concentrate on what I'm doing?
- Alright, I won't say a word.
It'll be just like
we're married again.
Listen, can we wind this up...
(chuckles) Terrific!
Harriet, we're in luck.
Well, it looks
like they just left.
It's a shame. Divorces
can really be nasty.
I'm so glad ours is
going along so smoothly!
Hey, listen!
I can still catch the 6:52! Bye!
(humming)
I'm almost finished. We'll
be out of here in no time.
Not that I imagine you have
any pressing engagements
to go to dressed like that.
Why, what's the matter
with the way I'm dressed?
Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.
I mean, it makes perfect sense
to show up for business meeting
at a lawyer's office
in midtown Manhattan
dressed like a Concord grape.
There you go again, Maude!
Always a little joke at
my expense. Slam dunk!
I'm sorry, Chester. In fact...
you look very attractive
in that windbreaker.
Thank you.
I sell these now.
- You're kidding?
- No, $34.95.
Fabulous.
40% polyester, 50% cotton,
machine washable,
- comes in six different colors.
- Who cares, Chester?
- Huh?
- Who cares, Chester?
You mean, you don't
teach Phys Ed anymore?
No, no, I've got my own
company now, sporting goods.
I got over 30 employees.
What are you staring at?
Ah, I was...
just remembering that
gorgeous young Greek God
who made football
history at Newton High.
Yes.
Still hold the
school record, right?
Hey, 22 touchdowns
in one season.
The only time you ever spoke to
me was once when you asked me
to hold your Letterman
sweater so you could
crawl under the bleachers
with Mary Louise Walchek.
Mary Louise Walchek, huh?
I held the school
record with her, too.
I don't think I ever saw her
without grass stains on her blouse.
Gee, I wonder whatever
happened to her.
She's still the organist
at her father's church.
Anyway, the next thing I
knew, and this was years later,
Barney had died, I was a
young widow with a small child...
and suddenly there you were
- back in my life again.
- That was our class reunion,
was it?
You know, you seemed
so interested in me.
I kept wondering what
a brainy girl like you
- saw in a guy like me.
- I used to ask myself
the same question.
But after we were married,
when I was home alone and
you were down at Farriger's...
Oh, Maude, Maude, come
on now. It's 20 years now.
Let's not dig up that stuff.
What the hell was the big
attraction down at Farriger's?
I like to watch
TV with the guys!
We had television at
home! We had beer at home.
We also had you at home!
Maude, we're two
grown-up mature people.
Can't we spend five minutes
without tearing away at each other?
Look, let's face it.
There was never any
love lost between us.
And all you did
was aggravate me.
I... I aggravated you?!
How about all the little things
that used to aggravate me?!
Like when I used
to brush my teeth,
you'd have a sink full of combs
or silk stockings or something.
- You wanna talk? You wanna talk?
- Yeah!
- You wanna talk?!
- Go ahead!
How about how you
woke up every morning
snorting with that
post-nasal drip of yours?!
And the way you ate poached
eggs with your mouth open.
- I never ate poached eggs
with my mouth open.
- Open wide! Open!
You cannot eat poached
eggs with your mouth...
Bad enough having wife
problems when you're married
I'll be damned if I want
them when I'm single.
- I'm getting out.
- Great, great. Go ahead.
It's been great seeing
you again, Maude.
Put a couple of my copies in
the mail, would you please?
Ah, the door's stuck.
Hey, wait a minute. That's
not stuck. that's locked.
Oh, Chester, use your
head! The door isn't locked!
Harry, would you please
open the door from your side?
It seems to be stuck here.
Harry?
(Maude) Harry? (knocking)
Blow it out your
ditty bag, Chester.
Oh, my God! I bet
Harry's gone home.
Wait a minute, here's...
don't panic. Here's a phone.
Oh, this is for
incoming calls only.
Will you...
I think this is just
for incoming calls.
That's what it says,
"incoming calls."
Oh.
Wait a minute. This means we
could be stuck here for the weekend.
Chester, this is serious!
I know it is! With your mouth,
we'll be out of oxygen in 10 minutes.
- Let's just stop, huh?
- Okay.
I mean, why don't we forget that
we were married and be friends?
Fine with me. Okay.
I mean, why spend
the entire weekend
talking about what a
rotten husband you were?
- I was not a rotten husband.
- You were a rotten husband,
end of conversation, period!
What period? Comma!
Comma, because...
- Comma?
- Yes.
You've been going
to night school!
There you go again! You
see, I could never talk to you.
You would never
pay attention to me
when I wanted to have
a conversation with you.
The only time you wanted to
have a conversation with me
was when I was
just falling asleep!
You were always
just falling asleep!
There was never anything
that fantastic to stay awake for.
Tell that to Mary
Louise Walchek.
Help! Help! Help!
Please, there are two very
incompatible people locked in here!
Ooh!
Hey! Hey!
Oh, Maude, look at this!
(laughing)
Is a perfect copy
of my entire forearm!
Isn't that terrific?
Hair and all.
What time is it, Chester?
I told you five minutes ago.
Won't you even tell me
the time when I ask you?
Five minutes ago was
9:25. It is now 9:30.
In five minutes, it'll be 9:35.
(phone rings)
- Saved!
- Incoming call!
Hello? Look, please
don't say anything.
Let me talk. We're locked up...
A heavy breather.
- What?
- There is a heavy breather
on the other end.
Get him up here, will
you? Get him up here?
Talk sexy to him.
Get him up here!
Go ahead!
(gravelly) Hello.
Yes, I think I know
what you have in mind,
and it sounds interesting.
What do I look like?
Oh, uh, imagine
a pair of lazy eyes
like dark, limpid pools
and then move on
to lips that are red
and moist and throbbing.
And then head south to a body
like a hot, sun-ripened mango.
And now that you
have me in the mood,
why don't you just
hustled up to the 39th floor,
1240 Avenue of
the Americas and...
What do you mean
heights make you sick?
How can anything make you
sick after what you just suggested?!
Well, wait a minute,
please, if you can't come up,
will you at least
call a policeman?!
I see.
He is a policeman.
Oh, Maude.
I... I... I'm starved!
Oh, so am I.
Right now, I could kill
for a piece of chocolate.
Chocolate is nature's
most perfect food,
- did you know that, Chester?
- I never knew that.
It's proven by an
independent testing laboratory
in Hershey, Pennsylvania.
Have you got anything
to eat in your bag?
No, not unless you think a
Binaca Blast is nourishing.
Oh,
I remember you used to
carry Oreos and Fig Newtons
and ginger snaps...
That was just for Carol
when she was little.
I know, you spoil
that kid rotten.
Oh, no, how can you be so bitter about
cookies you haven't seen for 20 years?
Because it was always Oreos
and Fig Newtons for Carol.
Never Mallomars for me.
I love Mallomars.
You never bought me Mallomars.
I don't believe it. You
are still jealous of Carol.
- I was never jealous...
- You are jealous of Carol, admit it!
Why should I be
jealous of a little girl?
I could beat her at everything!
Checkers, Ping-Pong, badminton.
- That's right.
- Boxing, wrestling,
- weight lifting.
- That's right. That's right.
Just avoid the issue
like you always do.
Maude, I adored Carol. Okay?
Then why wouldn't you adopt her?
Why? That was your fault.
Because I could never
live up to your idea
of the perfect father.
Reading "A is for
Apple" was not me.
Understanding "A is
for Apple" was not you!
Blow it out your
ditty bag, Maude.
That's perfect. That's perfect.
I've said it before,
and I will say it again,
divorce with the
wrong man is hell.
But I suppose I should
thank you for at least
making that
decision easy for me.
No, you didn't
make that decision.
- I decided to divorce you.
- Just a moment, Chester.
I distinctly remember.
We were over at the Bradford's
for that swimming party.
- Right.
- We were in their bedroom,
putting on our bathing suits
and you said
something to me that
made me suddenly
realize I wanted a divorce.
- What did I say?
- You said I want a divorce.
- I never said that.
- Oh, come on now, Chester,
one of us had to say it! I
mean, it didn't just happen!
We never said it.
We never even talked about it.
We came home from
the party that day,
I packed my bag,
you just sat there and
you let me walk out.
We got a divorce without
- ever actually
deciding to do it.
- Yeah. Right,
and Maude, I don't actually remember
us deciding to get married either.
Oh, just a minute.
Now, maybe we don't remember
which of us decided to get the divorce,
but there is no doubt who
decided we should get married.
My mother.
My sister and her husband, hmm.
- And all our friends.
- Hmm.
I think it was because
we looked right
walking into a room together.
Oh, that's a great
reason, isn't it?
Everyone assumed it and we
just went ahead and did it. Boy.
We stumbled into
marriage and then...
we stumbled out of it.
Oh, Chester, that's so sad.
Oh, I'm sorry. I...
I had no idea!
It's alright, it's alright.
How do you like it?
- It's very attractive.
- Yes, it is.
You know,
I looked into hair transplants,
but the hair transplants
are very expensive.
And it hurts, too.
It's a very good one. Only $125,
- non-static nylon, color-fixed.
- That's fantastic.
You go to single's
bar, it's nice,
because if you wanna
pick up a few chicks...
Who cares, Chester?
I'm sorry, Chester.
You know something?
I like you better without it.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
(laughs)
You know something, Maude?
You really do
have luscious lips,
did I ever tell you that?
Those lazy eyes,
like dark limpid pools
and that sun-ripened
body like a mango.
Oh, Chester, I just
said those things
to try to get a degenerate
interested in me.
It worked.
Just think about it,
Maude. You know,
here we are, locked
up together here,
we don't even know what's
going on in the outside world.
I mean, maybe...
A Russian plane with an
atomic bomb is heading right now
to New York City.
- Uh, Chester.
- Yes?
Chester, in case the bomb hits,
I think Walter would feel
better if he found our bones
in two separate piles.
Listen, why don't you
just forget about Walter?
Just forget about
everything, will you?
- Just think about us.
- Please, be reasonable!
Not on the Xerox machine! A
copy might get back to Walter!
Perfect.
Per... what do
you mean, perfect?
You could have just
said, "No." You know?
You don't have to pull out
one of your famous witty lines.
You know, you always have
to be witty, Maude, don't you?
Well, I've always hated that.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
It just so happens
that other people love it.
(Chester) Well...
Plus,
you never had to
worry about being liked.
Big football hero. You
were always popular.
Yes, till I married you.
That's a cheap shot,
Chester, and you know it!
Well, it's true, Maude! You
were always more important.
- What?
- Yes, people were always
more interested in you.
- I don't understand.
- Well, just thank God
for Farriger's Bar and Grill.
The guys down there
liked me for myself!
They just knew that
I scored 24 points
against John
Marshall High School.
Well, I didn't have to feel
afraid that they were gonna...
Feel afraid?
Afr... you? Afraid?
Wow.
Whew.
Boy, oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Hmm. Yes, I was afraid.
I was just afraid,
Maude. I was afraid that...
I wasn't important anymore.
I couldn't compete with you.
You were always so... confident.
Con... confident?
(Chester) Yes.
- I was scared to death!
- What are you talking about?
Scared to death!
I learned in high school that
if a girl wanted to be popular,
she either had to be
gorgeous or funny, so...
I decided to be funny,
because, let's face it,
I was never gorgeous.
Just terribly attractive.
Inside, I was scared.
I was scared of you, too.
You mean...
You mean you didn't hate me?
Did you hate me?
No, I was scared, afraid.
Same with me.
Oh, Maude.
Why didn't we talk like
this 20 years ago, hmm?
I guess we were afraid.
Maude.
Don't even suggest it.
Maude, we just wiped
away 20 years of bitterness.
Look, I know what you're...
It could be the sweetest,
most loving, tender moment
that we ever share.
Oh, hello!
Oh, thank heaven!
There is a God!
No, I'm the cleaning lady.
Wouldn't you know.
The cleaning lady.
Do you want me
to come back later?
No, no, no, we were just
on our way out. Bless you.
Chester, why don't we stop off and
get a bite to eat before I go home?
We can sign these there. Huh?
Huh?
I was never so sorry to
be rescued in all of my life.
- (chuckles)
- Listen, Maude,
tell me something.
If all this had
happened 20 years ago,
you think things would
have been different?
I know it.
If we knew what we
know now... (sighs)
there wouldn't have
been all this bitterness.
We could have had a happy
and a healthy, marvelous,
wonderful divorce.
Perfect.
(music playing)
(vocalizing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And then... ♪