Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 15 - Maude's Adult Relationship - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

No, Arthur, I'm
really not interested.

Believe me, Walter,
you will have a ball!

And it's a great
and worthy cause.

It's only $25 a person,
and strictly stag.

It's a very classy affair.



We all wear tuxedoes.
We have this big banquet,

then we listen to some speeches.

Then we all get drunk
and fall under the table.

Excuse me, Arthur. Do
you want some coffee?

Yeah, thanks.

What was the name
of the group again?

We call it 9the
Friends of Ducks!

See, the entire proceeds goes
to protecting the nesting ground

of the Canadian Ring-neck Duck,

which is in danger
of extinction.

But with our help, the ducks can breed
safely and build up their flocks again.

Arthur, why would a bunch
of guys want to pay $25 each

to protect some ducks in Canada?

So when they fly down here
in the fall, we can shoot 'em.

I'm not too crazy about the
idea of shooting little ducks.

Walter, if the hunters
didn't shoot them,

they'd over breed and
they'd die of starvation.

Shooting them is
a very humane act.

Arthur, just a minute.

These ducks are in
danger of extinction.

- Right.
- So you guys protect

their nesting ground to
build up the flocks again.

- That's right.
- But then you shoot them,

because otherwise
there'd be too many of them

and they would
die of starvation.

- You got it!
- Doesn't make sense.

You know something, Walter?
You know what's wrong with you?

You don't understand
conservation!

Honey, I'm on my way. I'm just
gonna leave a little shopping list

for Mrs. Naugatuck.

- Hi, Maudie.
- Hi, Arthur.

Boy,

is she all spiffied
up for a Saturday.

Maude, you look terrific!

And smell that perfume!

What's the big occasion, Maudie?

It's no occasion, Arthur.

Oh, come on.
Something must be up.

I know expensive
perfume when I smell it.

No, I'm just having lunch
with a business associate,

Jeremy Hubbard.

Jeremy Hubbard?
That sounds like a man.

Well, of course it's a man.

Walter, Maude is having
lunch on a Saturday with a man.

Arthur, they work in the
same real estate office?

What's the big deal?

Has it ever occurred to you that
your wife is a married woman?

Yes, it has.

As a matter of fact, it occurred
to me just last night around 11:30.

Don't forget it also occurred to
you again around 2:30 this morning.

2:30.

I don't remember anything at
2:30. I must have been asleep.

That explains a lot.

I tell you, Maudie, it's a good
thing you're not married to me.

A good thing? It's the best
thing that ever happened to me!

I'll tell you something else!

I would never let Vivian go
to lunch with another man.

Oh, come on, now, Arthur. You won't
even let Vivian make long distance calls

since they started
using male operators.

Now, that is just not true!

I don't let Vivian make long distance
calls because she wastes money.

I mean, she was getting
in the habit of calling home

every time her
mother had a birthday!

Arthur, Maude is having
lunch with a business associate

who happens to be a
man. She's in real estate.

A meeting like this could
mean a big commission.

Well, actually, honey, it's not,
it's not a business luncheon.

You see, Jeremy is
going through a divorce

and he needs
somebody to talk to.

You know, it's funny.

You'd think he'd have
all the friends he needs.

I mean, what with
his rugged good looks,

his successful career,
his fancy new car...

Good looks? Career? Fancy car?

Walter, you gotta be crazy
to let Maude go to lunch

with a guy that
outclasses you like that!

Look, Arthur, this really
does not concern you.

Why don't you go in the
kitchen and get something to eat?

No, I'm on a diet.

Then why don't you go into the
kitchen and lose some weight?

Oh, I get it.

Walter, as I was saying,

I've been holding Jeremy's
hand through this divorce.

We try to have lunch a
couple of times a week.

You have lunch together alone?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

See, I'm the only
one he can talk to.

- He told me that, Walter.
- He did?

Oh, Walter, you know, I
get such a warm feeling

being with him, you know,
knowing that I'm helping out.

A warm feeling.

A very, very warm feeling.

You know something,
Walter? I pity, I pity poor Vivian.

She doesn't know what it's like to
have a husband who understands

a woman's need to
reach out to others.

You know, Walter, every morning
when I wake up, the first thing I say is,

"Thank God Walter trusts me."

You're not leaving
this house, Maude.

- Walter.
- Can't you see
what you're doing?

This guy turns you on!

Walter, you're talking
like a jealous husband!

I am a jealous husband!

I don't want you having
lunch with this guy.

Walter, will you grow
up? These are the 1970s.

I'm not gonna give up a
perfectly innocent lunch

just because my husband
doesn't want me to go out

with a man who's a little,
what's the word... stunning!

- Maude.
- Walter. Walter,

Jeremy and I share a
sort of spiritual kinship.

Walter, we're friends,
and that's all we are.

Believe me, the relationship
is completely platonic.

Maude, the last person who had
a platonic relationship was Plato!

Walter's right.

The only reason a man would
have a platonic relationship

with a woman is because
he thinks he might get lucky.

Arthur,

don't you believe

in the basic decency
of human beings?

No! Maude, let me
explain something to you.

I'm a doctor, I've had
years of medical training.

And I've learned
something from all that,

and it's this,

men and women are different.

I'm very glad you
found that out, Arthur,

otherwise you'd
make a fool of yourself

every time you
went to buy a hat.

Maude, you know
what Arthur means.

Men and women are weak. They
can't be trusted with one another.

Some men and some women.

Now look, just because
you two have dirty minds

is no need to object to my
having a perfectly innocent

lunch with Jeremy Hubbard.

Jeremy Hubbard? You're
having lunch with Jerry the Hunk?!

Well, that's what you call him!

That does it!

Walter, "hunk" is just
a figure of speech,

like buddy or chum or...

Or stud!

Oh, Walter, you don't
have to worry about Maude!

If it wasn't just an
innocent little lunch,

they'd be slipping off to some
hideaway like Cafe Alfredo

and she'd be wearing
expensive perfume.

She is wearing
expensive perfume!

I don't have any cheap perfume.

What about that perfume I gave
you last Christmas? That was cheap!

Walter, I am not about to
walk into the Cafe Alfredo

smelling like Pine-Sol!

Cafe Alfredo?!

We always have lunch there.

Jeremy happens to
like strolling violins.

Maude Findlay, shame on you!

(talking all at once)

What's going on?! Hey!

(Arthur) ...can't be allowed
to be alone with each other.

Carol, I'm so glad you're here.

You're my daughter. I
know you'll understand

Mother, what is it?

Carol, I'm having lunch
today with Jeremy Hubbard.

Remember? You
met him at the office.

Jeremy is going
through a divorce

and I'm the only
one he can talk to.

These people are
condemning me for that.

Walter, my husband, whom I love
more than anything on this earth.

Vivian, my dearest friend, who
has been closer to me than a sister,

and Arthur, Vivian's husband.

They're condemning you? Why?

They think it's going
to lead to an affair.

An aff...

Oh, I am ashamed of you.

How dare you suspect the motives
of a decent woman like my mother

just because your
minds are in the gutter?

And, to make matters worse, she
would never think evil of any of you.

And do you know why?

She has too much honor

to ever conceive of
dishonoring someone she loves.

Robert Browning.

Rhett Butler.

Oh, I love him!

Oh, Carol, Carol,

what a wonderful daughter
you are. What a treasure!

Oh, mother, come on.

Let's go in the kitchen
and get a Kleenex

to wipe your runny nose!

Shame on you!

Carol, I am so glad
you came to my rescue.

You know, for a minute
there, I thought I was wrong.

Oh, boy, are you wrong!

You are not leaving this house.

- Carol!
- Call Jeremy
and cancel the lunch!

Carol, I am your mother!

Don't you trust me?

Oh, Mother, of
course I trust you,

but not when you're
wearing that perfume.

I tell you, I have just about
had it up to here with everyone!

All right, all right, this
is it. Nobody trusts me!

My husband, my
daughter, my friends.

I'll tell you something.

I think that Jeremy Hubbard
is a very attractive man.

So what? Whether
or not you trust me,

I trust me

and I am going to have lunch
with Jeremy Hubbard. Goodbye.

Maude. Maude!

Maude, please, before you go,

I want to tell you a story.

There was a man who
was very happily married.

He had his own
little retail business,

and he started having lunch
with a girl who worked for him.

He thought it was harmless,

but all of a sudden,
he was in love.

It was fun for a while.

But then he thought of his wife.

He loved her very much.

So he broke it
off with the girl.

But now, every night,

that man has trouble sleeping.

He's plagued by guilt
because of what he did.

And do you know who that man is?

Who, Walter?

Harry Fishbeck over
at Buy-Rite Hardware.

Maude, the worst
thing about this divorce

is that I think Sheila is turning
our son, little Robbie, against me.

- She keeps telling me...
- Sergio,

would you bring me another
double champagne cocktail, please?

Another one, Mrs. Findlay?

Oh, no, you'd better make it
two double champagne cocktails

in case the bar
gets crowded later.

Maude, this isn't like you. Now, I know
something's wrong. Come on, tell me.

No, Jeremy, it's nothing,
absolutely nothing.

Maude, please, confide in me.

Look, Jeremy. Jeremy, please,
compared to your problems, this is drivel.

Now, look, the last thing I
want to do is talk about me.

We are here to talk
about you and only you.

Now, tell me, how
is the divorce going?

- Oh, last night...
- It's Walter.

He doesn't trust me.

Walter doesn't trust you?

He thinks I'm physically
attracted to you.

So does my daughter
and so do my friends.

I mean, how could
they think such a thing?

How could they think that?

They are convinced that I
am physically attracted to you?

Why?

Well, I think it's because
you're physically attracted to me.

Oh, it's obvious, Maude.

I can tell by that
look in your eyes.

Oh, Jeremy.

(laughing)

This is absolutely...

Is it silly to want to
bite your eyebrows?

You're right,
Jeremy, you're right.

I've been kidding myself.

I am attracted to you.
I am terribly attracted.

But it's not your fault,
Jeremy, you're innocent.

I'm sure it's just me
who feels this way.

Sergio, is it just me
who feels this way?

No, Maude, I feel the same way!

I have since we first met.

Oh, Jeremy.

Jeremy, what do we do now?

I mean, do we have to
break off our friendship?

Might be dangerous not to.

I mean, I have too much respect for
you to take advantage of the situation.

Oh, Jeremy, I
admire your integrity.

Well, I'm not the sort of guy who
would let your risk your marriage

for a few brief moments
of pleasure, Maude.

Oh, now this is silly.
This is really silly.

I mean, why should we have
to break off our friendship?

Right. Look, my apartment's
only five minutes away...

Jeremy!

That's not what I
meant. I mean...

I mean...

we are physically attracted
to each other, but so what?

That's the way God made us.

It doesn't mean we have
to do anything about it.

It makes sense. Why
ruin a beautiful friendship

by falling in love?

Oh, Jeremy, I am so
excited. I am so excited!

You know, with so many
grown-ups in this world,

there are so few adults.

And we are adults. Oh.

You know what we're
gonna do, Jeremy,

right after lunch, to kick off this
new adult relationship we have?

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna be very
modern and very liberated.

We're gonna go right over to my
house and tell my husband all about it.

Sergio!

Sergio!

An hour and 10 minutes!

How could anybody eat lunch
for an hour and 10 minutes?!

You're getting all
upset over nothing!

Now, Walter, just relax! Here.

Sit down.

Remember, you've got it
all over this Jeremy guy.

You have been a
wonderful husband to Maude.

Let's look at the record.

A few months ago, you went
bankrupt and you attempted suicide.

Did you hold that against Maude?

No, sir! You stood right by her.

Last year when she
ran for the state senate,

you left her,

but the moment she
came to her senses

and agreed to give up the
race, you came right back to her.

That's the kind of
husband you've been.

Boy, what a rotten
husband I've been.

No wonder Maude wants Jeremy!

Oh, Walter, you're
just talking nonsense.

If Maude was gonna
leave you for Jeremy,

she wouldn't be out
having lunch with him.

She'd come right through that
door and tell you to your face.

- Hello, Walter.
- There, you see?

Walter, this is Jeremy Hubbard.

(Arthur) Vivian,
we'd better be going.

- Oh, Jeremy, this
is Dr. Arthur Harmon.
- Oh, how do you do?

- How do you do?
- This is his wife Vivian.

- Hi!
- Hello...

Vivian!

- Walter.
- Maude, you've
got some nerve

walking in here with this guy!

- Walter!
- I don't like it. I don't like it one bit!

Walter, will you be quiet?

Jeremy and I have
something to tell you.

If you'd have the
decency to listen,

you'd realize how
completely innocent it is.

Okay, Maude. I'm sorry.

What do you have to tell me?

Walter, guess what?

Jeremy and I are sexually
attracted to each other.

But, in spite of that, Walter,

we feel... we know we can have
an innocent, platonic relationship.

Oh, Walter, you should be so proud
of me. You should congratulate me!

Congratulations!
I'll go up and pack.

Walter!

Uh, Jeremy, maybe I should talk
to Walter alone for a few minutes.

Why don't I wait
in the next room?

I don't want you in my house!

Why don't I wait in the car?

All right, Walter.
Let me explain.

Stop right there, Maude.

This discussion is going
to be short and sweet.

I forbid you to see Jeremy
Hubbard ever again.

You forbid me, Walter?

(laughs) You forbid me?!

Let me put it another way...

please, don't see Jeremy
Hubbard ever again.

Walter, don't you understand?

Walter, I'm so
excited about this!

Walter, I have
learned something new.

Yeah, Jeremy turns you on!

That's right.

But I know, Walter, that we
can have a platonic relationship.

Oh, Walter, why should I have to
give up a good friend like Jeremy?

A friend who needs me?

Walter, I'm so excited
about this discovery.

I feel like Madame Curie!

I feel like Eddie Fisher!

Let me tell you something,
Walter, no matter what you say,

I am not going to
change my mind.

Maude...

Maude!

If you go out that door,
I'm going upstairs and pack.

Walter, you can't be serious.

Why not?

You don't know how to pack.

(shouting) We'll see about that!

Well, what's the
story with Walter?

I think he's coming around.

Tell me, Jeremy,

you are certain that we can have
a platonic relationship, aren't you?

Oh, I know we can.

Oh, good. Me too.

Now, tell me about the divorce.

You know, I
interrupted you at lunch.

Oh, Maude.

Here you are, worried about me,

and you have
problems of your own.

You are so thoughtful.

Oh, Jeremy, aren't all women?

Sheila isn't thoughtful.

In fact,

Sheila isn't like
you at all, Maude.

Sheila's your wife.
I'm your friend.

Sheila doesn't have your depth.

She doesn't have
your compassion.

She doesn't have your lips.

Isn't this wonderful? I mean,
the fact that we are able

to talk about my lips?

Because we have a...

A completely harmless, platonic,

totally innocent...

You know, I think
we just learned

a very valuable lesson.

If we want to continue

keeping this marvelously
platonic relationship,

we should not
meet in parked cars.

Only restaurants.

That's a very good idea.

Well-lit restaurants.

When we're with a
group of six or more.

Whatever you say.

Maybe we should
just talk on the phone.

Oh, Jeremy, it's obvious
that we can't handle this.

I mean, I was
wrong. I was wrong!

I was so sure we
could pull this off.

We can, Maude! I know we can.

Let's give this platonic
thing another chance.

Jeremy, we have to
stop seeing each other.

I mean, I love my
husband very much

and I don't want to lose him
because I feel a little lust for you.

- Maude.
- All right, a lot of lust!

Oh, Jeremy, we have to say
goodbye. This is ridiculous.

You're just going to have to make
it through this divorce on your own.

- Oh.
- Why Sheila would want

to divorce a man like
you, I will never know!

She doesn't understand
platonic relationships.

What do you mean?

Do you remember Wanda Houston?

Of course, Sheila's best friend.

Well, I was having a platonic
relationship with her and Sheila caught me.

Jeremy Hubbard!

You... you are...

you are terrible! I...

I was just another fling to you!

I never want to see your
face again. This is goodbye!

Oh, God, you're gorgeous.

Walter, you were
right. You were right.

No, Maude, you were right.

I can't pack worth a damn.

I mean, you were
right about Jeremy.

We cannot have an innocent
friendship. It's impossible.

What happened?

How did you find out?

All right, I'll tell you.

He kissed me.

He kissed you.

- Jeremy kissed you?
- Oh, Walter,

the minute it happened I knew
I was wrong and you were right.

I told him we could never
see each other again.

Walter, I feel so humiliated.

It's all right,
Maude. It's all right.

Oh, Walter.

You're the only man in my life.

I've learned my lesson. I promise
you, I won't even think of Jeremy again.

Maude, I'm glad to
hear you say that.

Since I'm the only
man in your life again,

- do you know
what I want you to do?
- Anything, Walter. What?

I want you to meet me upstairs in
our bedroom in exactly two minutes.

Oh, nothing would make
me happier, Jeremy.

Walter. Walter.

Maude, it's okay, but listen.

Repeat after me.

- Wal-ter.
- Wal-ter.

(Both repeating Walter)

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪