Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 14 - Captain Hero - full transcript

Maude's cousin is visiting at the same time that Maude is trying to find contributors for her mental health clinic. The cousin insults one of the potential contributors.

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

You tricked me, Maude Findlay.

Oh, Arthur, What do you mean
I tricked you? I did not trick you.

Yes, you did. If I
had known that this

mental health center that you're
planning was not gonna charge any money,

I never would have offered to bring
Avery Potter over here this evening.

You have put me in a
very embarrassing position.

Come on, Arthur, a free
mental health clinic is probably

the most worthy cause I have
ever tried to raise funds for.

And a philanthropist like Avery Potter
would be delighted to contribute money.

I mean, how can
you object, Arthur?

Don't you believe
in mental health?

Well, of course I
do. Up to a point.

You believe in mental
health up to a point.



That's right, if people can't
afford to pay for mental health,

they have no
business going crazy.

That's not what I meant.

Well, I promised to
deliver Avery Potter

and I'll do it. I'll go
and pick him up.

But he's a conservative, Maudie. I
don't think he'll go for a free clinic.

Arthur, why would anyone
be against a free clinic?

Because it's not
fair to doctors.

With the cost of college, medical
school, internship, residency,

a doctor has to invest over
$100,000 in his training!

You know how long it takes
him to earn that money back?

About a year and a half?

That's about right.

I'm on my way, Maude,
gonna pick up that scale model

of the mental health center
before Mr. Potter gets here.

Just a minute,
honey. Just a minute.

Walter, you're not going
to wear that tie, are you?

What's the matter with my tie?

It's a very expensive
tie, Maude.

Look, it's got Oleg Cassini's
name written all over it.

Walter, my cousin Marshall
is going to be here any minute.

Take off the tie.

Maude.

Walter, Marshall is a very
well-known lecturer and writer.

Now, I haven't seen him in a long
time and you've never even met him.

I don't want him to think my
husband sells vacation property on TV.

You're ashamed of me, Maude.

That's why you invited
your intellectual cousin

Marshall in the first place.

You think he's going to
impress Mr. Potter and I won't.

True.

Oh, come on, honey. Now,
Marshall is a very well-known expert

on popular culture.

I mean, he's written
countless articles

on America's need for heroes.

- Heroes.
- Heroes!

Now, Mr. Potter
being a self-made man

is bound to be impressed
by someone like that.

You think Marshall
is better than me.

Oh, honey, come on. You're
comparing apples and oranges.

I mean, Marshall is a
well-known historian,

lecturer and a brilliant writer,

and you are an orange.

Maude, I'm gonna pick
up that scale model,

but I'm not gonna change my tie!

Oleg and I have
nothing to be ashamed of!

Hello! Oh, Walter!

What a spiffy tie!

Thank you, Vivian.

Oleg Cassini.
What's he running for?

Maude, is your cousin
Marshall here yet?

He should be here any minute. Oh,
and Arthur is picking up Mr. Potter.

Oh. Well, here are those cards I typed
up for your presentation for Mr. Potter.

Thank you, Vivian.
You're so sweet. Oh, listen.

Did I tell you that, because
of all the work I've done,

the committee has asked me to pick
a name for the mental health center?

Really? What are
you gonna call it?

The Maude Findlay
Mental Health Center.

I think that's appropriate.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

They're going to put up a
building for crazy people.

It's only right they
name it after you.

(laughs)

You know something, Viv?

Charity work always
brings out the vicious

- side of you.
- Yeah!

(doorbell rings)

That's probably Marshall.
Now, this is truly a gifted man.

Vivian, you're in for a treat.

Marshall, what happened?

I was roughed up
by a street gang.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, no! Here,
sit down, sit down.

I got off the bus and
they roared up behind me.

Oh, a motorcycle gang!

Skateboards.

Bunch of punks.
Bunch of young punks.

You know, maybe we
should call the police.

A gang, you say? How many
were in the gang, Marshall?

Two.

A couple of punks,
thugs, rowdies.

Oh, I do not know what is happening
to the boys in this neighborhood!

They were girls.

How about some coffee?

No, thank you.

It's society, Maude.

Children are running
wild in the streets

and it's because
movies and television

aren't giving them any
real heroes to look up to.

That is very true, and you
stated that point brilliantly

in last month's
"Harper's Magazine."

Brilliantly.

I feel better now.

Maude,

you look wonderful.

Oh, it's so good seeing
you again, Marshall.

This is my friend,
Vivian Harmon.

Hello, Marshall.

My pleasure, Vivian.

No, it's my pleasure.

And you're so kind to help me
make this presentation to Avery Potter.

That's the least I can do.

You've always been a
special cousin, Maude.

You know, Marshall, how very
proud I've always been of you.

I really can't thank you
enough for coming over here.

I assure you, I would not
be able to raise the money

for my mental health
center if you weren't here.

I'm glad.

Is there a place
where I can clean up?

Oh, of course, of course.

There's a bathroom right
at the top of the stairs.

Thank you.

A pleasure to meet you, Vivian.

I'm sure this evening
is going to be a very...

A very special one.

Poor Marshall, he's so
sweet, but, you know,

he's never been a
particularly strong person.

I can tell. His eyes
look as if they've had

a lot of sand kicked in them.

Here's the chips and dip.

Chips and dip? Mrs. Naugatuck,

I asked you to make
some hors d'oeuvres.

I'm trying to raise
money tonight

for a very worthy cause.
Why can't you cooperate?

All you do is criticize!

The least you can do is tell
me how the living room looks!

Oh, I'm sorry. I am sorry,
dear. I should have mentioned it.

The living room looks lovely.

I thought so, too. That's
why I didn't bother cleaning it!

Vivian, everything is going
wrong tonight! Everything!

Arthur and Walter are fighting with
me, Mrs. Naugatuck refuses to cooperate,

now poor Marshall
has been roughed up.

How are we ever going to
pull this off with Mr. Potter?!

Maude, don't worry, now come on!
Come on, let's go over your notes.

Oh, you're right, Viv.

Maude,

maybe I shouldn't
mention this, but, you know,

after I typed those notes up,
I was reading them over, and,

well, you just seem to
go on and on and on.

You just say the same thing over
and over and over, so repetitious!

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong.

- You are.
- You're right.

(screaming)

- What is it?!
- Mrs. Naugatuck, what is it?!

There's a strange man up there!

Mrs. Naugatuck, that
man is my cousin, Marshall.

Oh, he scared me
stiff in his loony outfit!

What do you mean loony outfit?

(yells)

Don't be alarmed, ladies!

Allow me to introduce myself.

(echoing) I am Captain Hero!

Marshall, what are you doing?

Marshall?

You're mistaken, tall lady.

I am Captain Hero,

defender of the weak,
champion of the oppressed.

My task is to fight those

who destroy our
nation's security.

Oh. Uh, now, look,
Marshall. I do understand,

but Mr. Potter is going
to be here any minute.

Remember, you know
that we are here to build

a mental health
clinic, not to stock it.

(laughing)

I've seen reactions
like yours before.

However, once you have
witnessed my superhuman powers,

you will agree I
am telling the truth.

Allow me to demonstrate.

With my high-power
x-ray vision, I find it difficult

to see in small rooms.

You're really
serious, aren't you?

Captain Hero is always serious.

But, Marshall don't
you understand?

Mr. Potter is
coming over tonight.

He's coming over
here to talk to me about

giving me money for
my mental health center.

That's very good.

I know a lot of people who can
benefit from a mental health clinic.

Excuse me!

Marshall, what are you doing?

I'm about to demonstrate
the killing powers of this finger.

The tree in front of your
house, there is a man behind it.

There is?

Easy!

Not so fast, curly-haired lady!

That's a dangerous man.

I don't see anyone
behind that tree.

Of course you don't! You
don't have x-ray vision.

There's a man behind that tree.

(no sound)

Now there's a dead
man behind that tree.

Gosh, I hope it wasn't
Mr. Greenblad. I like him.

- Silence!
- Maude, I'm scared!

Don't worry, neighbor lady. As long
as I have the safety catch on my finger.

I'll worry until he has
a net over his head.

Mrs. Naugatuck, please! Vivian,

I'm sure that Captain
Hero is not here to harm us.

I'm here to defend you!

Evil forces are
at work out there

and I want you to all
do exactly as you're told.

Maude, I want to go home.
I think he's dangerous.

Oh, come on, Vivian.
He is not dangerous.

He looks dangerous.

Vivian, believe me, he
is completely harmless.

But... but...
but... but... but...

Please keep your voice
down! His finger might go off!

I sense the approach
of the enemy,

the deadly Bruconians.

The Bruconians?

Yes,

creatures from the planet Bruce.

Of course.

I'd better secure the doors.

Bruconians have one weakness,
they cannot walk through locked doors.

Uh, Captain Hero.

Perhaps you could help
me secure the kitchen.

The kitchen! A capital idea!

Bruconians are also
known for their cooking.

I want to talk to you.

Marshall, I must talk to you.

Marshall?

You must have me confused
with that mild-mannered

Professor Marshall Keebler,

a nice enough fellow, but, let's
face it, he's no Captain Hero.

Marshall is
ineffectual, powerless,

a pipsqueak.

Nevertheless, I like
Marshall very much,

just the way he is, and I
wish he were here right now.

Could you... could you help
me bring him back? Please!

Oh, what good would it be?

He couldn't even defend himself
against two girls on skateboards.

I would have creamed them.

Oh, Captain Hero, Marshall,
darling, you need help!

Can't you see that?

Yes, I know I need help badly.

But Wonder Woman is
in Miami Beach this week!

(Vivian) Maude,
there's someone here!

With your permission, Captain.

I'll secure the back door.

Oh, would you
look at this, Maude?

Don't you think they
did a wonderful job?

Oh, Walter, thank God you're
back. We have a problem here.

Walter, you've gotta
get that man out of here.

I think a banana
dropped off his tree.

What are you talking about?

Stand right where you are
or you're a dead Bruconian!

I beg your pardon?

Captain Hero, it's all
right. This is my husband.

I'll be the judge of that.

Oleg Cassini.

I'm sorry, Mr. Cassini.

I didn't recognize you.

Nice tie.

Thank you, Captain.

You know, for a minute, I
thought this guy was crazy.

I better put this away.
No need for it now.

It might go off by mistake...

Your finger goes off?

Yes.

Uh, Captain Hero, tell me,

do Bruconians ever
make themselves invisible?

Only the lazy ones. Why?

Well, I think I saw
an invisible Bruconian

up in the bedroom this morning.

(echoing) This is a
job for Captain Hero!

The rest of you,

wait here!

Maude, I know this is
none of my business,

but who was that masked man?

Oh, Walter, that's
my cousin Marshall.

That's Marshall?

That's the brilliant intellectual,
dignified cousin Marshall,

and you were
worried about my tie?

Please, Walter, this
is no laughing matter!

Now, we have to do something
about him before Mr. Potter gets here.

Let's call an ambulance.
They ought to take him away!

Viviane, I can't!
He's my cousin.

This is a very delicate situation
and it has to be handled delicately.

Mr. Potter is gonna
be here any minute.

Mrs. Naugatuck, Mrs. Naugatuck,

go upstairs, get Marshall,
and then take him into the den.

Oh, no!

Mrs. Naugatuck, my entire
mental health center is at stake.

Don't you realize we have a millionaire
coming over here, Mrs. Naugatuck?

A millionaire!

Why can't I take him in the den?

All secure upstairs!
No invisible Bruconians.

I'm afraid you're letting your
imagination run away with you.

(thud)

Marshall, are you all right?

I'm fine, gray lady.

Um, listen, Captain Hero,

we have a serious problem.

In the den. It's
the television set.

We have reason to
believe that deadly rays

are emanating from
the television set.

We're also having trouble
with our horizontal hold.

This is a job

(echoing) for Captain Hero!

No, Captain! Over here!

- Yes, Yes!
- No, no, no, there, Captain!

Of course!

Captain, through the door!

Obviously!

Mrs. Naugatuck, please go in
there and keep him occupied.

I don't want to.

Mrs. Naugatuck,
I am ordering you!

Have him watch
television. Anything!

Very well, middle-aged fat lady!

I would fire her like that
if I didn't owe her money.

Poor Marshall.
Such a brilliant mind.

How could this happen?

(doorbell rings)

That's probably
Arthur with Mr. Potter.

Oh, Vivian, keep
your fingers crossed.

Well, here we are, folks!

Everybody's
favorite millionaire!

(chuckles)

This is Walter Findlay.

- Mr. Potter.
- Findlay.

Of course you
know my wife, Vivian.

- (Vivian) Hello again.
- Mrs. Harmon.

And this is Maude Findlay.

How do you do, Mr. Potter?

Keep your hand over
your wallet, Avery.

We just walked into a room
full of thieves and Democrats.

You're being redundant, Arthur.

(both laugh)

Well, I've done my little
duty. I'll be toddling along.

Avery's in a very good mood,

he just read about a cutback
in the food stamp program.

Bye, Avery!

Mrs. Findlay, I've
read all the literature

you've sent me on
the mental health clinic.

I'd like to get this over with
just as quickly as possible.

Oh, of course, of course.
You have another engagement.

No, but there's an all-star football
game on TV at 9:00. I have to watch it.

Well, this will only take a moment,
I just have a very few notes here.

Please, Vivian.

(clearing throat)

There is a desperate need in
Tuckahoe for a modern, well-equipped,

well-staffed mental
health center.

People shouldn't feel the need to keep
a member of the family hidden away.

They shouldn't be
embarrassed or ashamed.

Instead, they should place them upside
down on a meat rack in a moderate oven...

Vivian, what is this?!

One of my recipe cards.

Oh, now, Mrs.
Findlay, there's no need

for this lengthy presentation.

Let's get down to basics. Now,
how much money do you need?

Well, with the contributions
we have already received,

we are shy about $100,000.

- Mm. $100,000.
- Yes, but Mr. Potter,

think of the marvelous facility
your money will be paying for.

Of course, you know, it's
going to be a lot bigger than that.

Mrs. Findlay.

Well, it's very nice.

Isn't it, isn't it?

Mrs. Findlay! Please!

- What is it?
- Your cousin Marshall

is watching "The Six
Million Dollar Man"

and it's having a
very bad effect on him!

Just keep him in the
den a little while longer.

Well, I am impressed, Mrs.
Findlay, very impressed.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Do you realize what this center
would mean to a city like Tuckahoe?

I mean, your money will be going to
possibly one of the greatest, greatest...

("The Six Million Dollar
Man" theme playing)

Fear not!

The world is now free of the
invaders from Planet Bruce!

Their temple has been destroyed.

Captain Hero has
done his job, and now...

he must rest.

Now, Mr. Potter,

picture if you will a two-story
building with 50 beds...

Now, now, now, wait a minute!

Is this a joke?
Is this all a joke?

I'm sorry, Mr. Potter.
I'm very sorry. That man...

That man is my cousin,
Marshall Keebler.

We had no idea of his condition or we
never would have asked him over today.

Vivian, we better see if Mrs.
Naugatuck needs any help.

- Yeah.
- What is wrong with him?

I don't know. I don't know!

I think he's trying
to live out a fantasy.

He's not willing
to face reality.

Don't you realize, Mr. Potter,
that he is exactly the kind of person

who could be
helped by this center?

I don't approve of fantasies.

I'll admit that
Marshall overdoes it,

but Mr. Potter, don't
we all have fantasies?

I mean, look at people who
play with Citizen Band radios

and pretend
they're truck drivers.

You know, is Marshall
really so different

from a group of grown-up
men I've heard about,

I know you're not
going to believe this,

there are actually grown men

who sit in front
of a television set,

watching a football game,
wearing a football helmet.

- What's wrong with that?
- Nothing!

(laughs)

Maude, Walter and Marshall
went to the bathroom.

I think Marshall's taking off
his Captain Hero costume.

Well, I think I'd
better be going.

Wait, Mr. Potter. What about
the mental health center?

- I will let you know...
- No, but don't you understand

how much your
contribution would mean to...

Mrs. Findlay, I will let
you know. Good evening.

Ohh. Wait, Maude, I'll
go out and talk to him.

And don't blame yourself for
mentioning the football helmet.

Listen, you ought to see what Arthur
puts on to watch Charlie's Angels.

Oh, I blew it.

I blew it! I blew it. I blew it!

Mrs. Findlay,

Marshall would like an aspirin.

I'm sorry I dozed
off like that, Maude.

Is Mr. Potter here yet?

Marshall, are you all right?

Of course!

Except for this headache.

Poor man. Doesn't
remember a thing.

Poor man. He doesn't
remember a thing.

Why don't I take you
upstairs, Marshall?

I think you could
do with a nice rest.

From all that flying,
he's probably got jet lag.

Watch that step.

Walter.

(Walter) I'll be out
in a minute, Maude!

Walter, Mr. Potter is
gone and I don't think

we're gonna get
that contribution.

(Walter) Oh, that's
too bad. I'm sorry.

I'm gonna call Marshall's family.
They should know about this.

Maude, I just had a nice
little chat with Mr. Potter

and I think we've come
up with something.

Oh, Mr. Potter, you mean
you're still interested in the center?

Possibly. Where's your cousin?

Oh, he's upstairs. He
won't be down again.

Good, he makes me nervous.

Now, Mrs. Findlay, if you can deliver
on the promise Mrs. Harmon made,

I will give you your money.

Oh. Well, of course,
Mr. Potter. Of course!

Anything! Anything!
What did you promise, Viv?

Well, Maude, Mr. Potter
didn't quite like the

name that you'd
picked out for the clinic,

so I promised him that
if he'd give us $100,000

you'd come up
with a better name.

But Vivian, what could
possibly be a better name

than the Maude Findlay
Mental Health Center?

The Avery Potter
Mental Health Center.

I like that!

Good, I'll write out the check.

There's just, uh, one condition.

Yes.

Not one word about
the football helmet.

Mr. Potter, I just can't
thank you enough.

- (Walter) Maude, come here!
- Not now, Walter.

- You have no idea...
- (Walter) Maude, come on. Come here!

Please, Walter! What the
city of Tuckahoe will do...

It's Captain Hero!

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪