Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 13 - Walter's Christmas Gift - full transcript
With Maude and Walter's finances low, they make homemade gifts to give others for Christmas gifts. Arthur offers Walter a partnership in a new business.
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
♪ Round yon Virgin ♪
♪ Mother and child ♪
♪ Holy infant ♪
♪ So tender and mild ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
♪ Peace ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
♪ Peace. ♪
Mother, what exactly
are you making?
Oh, honey, this is a homemade
fish plaque for the Harmons.
You just glue broken
pieces of pottery to the wood
so it looks like scales.
I thought they could hang
it in their rumpus room
next to the living
picture of Mona Lisa.
A living picture
of the Mona Lisa?
Yeah, you remember, you plug
it in, she sticks out her tongue.
Oh, Carol, you know it's
two weeks until Christmas
and already I am filled with
the spirit of the holiday season,
and I think that it's
because of my rule that
this year we only exchange
simple, homemade gifts.
It was a great idea.
Oh, isn't that adorable?
Isn't that cunning?
Look, you're making
a pincushion out
of one of Walter's old socks.
Oh, that's lovely.
- Who's it for?
- It's for you!
You'd give your mother
an old sock for Christmas?
Well, then, you're
not going to like
Mrs. Naugatuck's
present, either.
She's making you a bookmark
out of Walter's other sock.
Oh, honey,
I'm sorry.
Actually, it's lovely.
Oh, Carol, this is gonna be
such a wonderful Christmas
in spite of Walter's bankruptcy.
I mean, look at the
marvelous things we've made
just using old oatmeal boxes,
aluminum foil, old cans.
Oh, I tell you, Carol,
I am just flushed with
the spirit of Christmas.
It's like a Hallmark card.
That's cute, Carol.
I'm gonna put that on the card.
Gee, I hope my mother likes it.
Where's Walter?
Listen, you know,
Walter may have
some good news for us tonight.
Do you know that he flew
to Boston this afternoon
for an interview
with Murray Aviation?
Murray Aviation?
That sounds impressive.
Oh, he was so excited
when the call came.
Can't you just picture
Walter in aeronautics?
I think it's perfect for him.
I mean, can't you just
see him as an executive
at an exciting jet age industry?
Hello, Maude.
Hello, Carol.
What happened in Boston, Walley?
I got the job!
Oh, Walter!
That is fantastic!
Congratulations.
That is marvelous.
What kind of job is it?
Merchandising manager?
A plant supervisor?
Purchasing agent!
They hired me to sell nails.
That was my very next guess!
Oh, Walter, this is wonderful!
Oh, honey, when do you begin?
After the first of the year.
They don't use nails
on airplanes, do they?
How do you think they
keep the wings on?
You know, Maude, Murray Aviation
- has nothing to
do with airplanes.
- What do you mean?
- All they make nails.
- Wait a minute, I don't
understand.
Why do they call
it Murray Aviation?
Because that's the name of
the guy who owns the place.
Murray Aviation.
I call on hardware stores.
This is my sample case,
and these are my samples.
I specialize two-penny nails,
six-penny nails
and 10-penny nails.
Is that what they cost?
No, that's the size.
Two-penny nails
are three for 4 cents,
six-penny nails are
seven for 8 cents
and 10-penny nails
are a dime a dozen.
That's fascinating.
Oh, Walter, Walter, I
am so excited about this!
Carol, aren't you
excited about this?
Yes, I'm very excited about it!
You see, Walter?
We're as excited
about this as you are.
- I'm not excited about this.
- Walter.
Let's face it, Maude.
It's a pretty ordinary job.
Oh, Walter, I think
it's a great job!
Could I have two of these nails?
Sure. Why?
Well, Mother didn't like the
pincushion I made for her.
I thought I could bend these
into a nice pair of pierced earrings.
Carol, I don't
have pierced ears.
You will when you put these on.
Rotten!
You know, Maude, I wish I'd
got this job a couple of weeks ago.
I mean, so we could all afford to
buy decent Christmas presents.
Oh, honey, honey,
we're all so excited
about the homemade gifts.
Believe me, darling,
everybody in this house is just
filled with the spirit of
charity and self-sacrifice.
Isn't that right,
Mrs. Naugatuck?
When am I getting my flipping
Christmas bonus, ma'am?
Mrs. Naugatuck, I
thought you understood.
We just don't have enough
money to give you a bonus this year.
Oh, very well.
Would you like to try one
of my Christmas cookies?
That's what I'm giving
everyone this year!
- Oh, how sweet.
- I'd love one!
No!
None for you, Mr. Findlay.
You're an alcoholic.
I put bourbon in these.
Really, Mrs. Naugatuck,
surely you don't think
Walter's going to
fall off the wagon
because of a Christmas cookie?
Well, you never know.
I had an uncle who
didn't touch a drop,
then one day he had
a piece of rum cake.
He never drew a
sober breath again.
Auntie had to go
all over London,
pulling him out of bakeries.
He ended up in the gutter
with crumbs on his face.
Mrs. Naugatuck, you
really don't expect us
to believe that, do you?
No,
but doesn't it make a
nice Christmas story?
Oh, by the way,
ma'am, merry Christmas!
Maude, what's that?
It's a lovely homemade bookmark.
Boy, what a lousy Christmas,
people are giving
each other my socks.
Honey, now, don't talk that way.
You should be very happy.
Sweetheart, think of the
trouble you've had getting work.
I mean, now you've suddenly
found a meaningful career.
Selling nails.
Now, Walter,
don't sneer at nails.
Selling nails is
a real man's job.
I mean, nails
are so... so butch!
I'd feel a lot better
about selling nails
if I didn't know about Ned
Hinkley's appliance store.
What are you talking about?
Just sitting over there
on Mohawk Street,
waiting for someone
to run it right!
When Ned died last month,
I thought his wife
might make me an offer.
I mean, what does
a 22-year-old widow
know about running a store?
She's killing the
business, Maude!
Honey, forget about that.
- Be thankful for what we have.
- (doorbell rings)
Come in!
Maudie, Walter,
you got a minute?
I want you to meet
Dr. Hubie Binder!
- (Maude) How do you do?
- How do you do? Hello.
Dr. Binder is a colleague
of mine down at the hospital.
In fact, I might tell you
that he is one of the more
prominent specialists
on the staff.
Oh, really?
What do you
specialize in, Doctor?
Real estate.
Real estate?
Sure, most doctors specialize
in the stock market
or pork bellies.
Tell me, Dr. Binder, do
you also practice medicine?
Does he practice medicine?
This is one of the leading foot
doctors in Westchester County!
He'd be too modest to tell you,
but Hubie here used to do
Jacqueline Kennedy's toes.
Aww, come on, Arthur.
That was a long time ago.
Can I get you guys a drink?
No, thanks. This is
gonna be short and sweet!
Oh, boy, are you
in for a surprise!
Walter, you know Ned
Hinkley's appliance store?
Well, Hubie and I just bought
it from the widow Hinkley.
- You're kidding?
- No!
And we want you to come
in with us a full partner!
We supply the money, you supply
your know-how and your name.
Findlay's Friendly Appliances!
Oh, Walter, Walter,
did you hear that?
That's fantastic!
That's great!
Well, what do you say?
Actually, I'd like
to think it over.
Walter, what do you mean?
Well, Walter! We need
you to start right away!
Tomorrow!
This is the height of
the Christmas season!
Arthur, I really
appreciate it, but
I'd have to give
it a lot of thought.
Walter, honey, could I see
you in the kitchen, please?
Excuse us.
We'll be back in a jiffy.
You crazy?!
(shouting)
What do you mean you
have to give it some thought?!
This is the chance
of a lifetime!
Maude, Arthur is my best friend.
It's a mistake to be in
business with friends.
Now, look, you cannot afford
to let this opportunity pass by.
Now, don't think of
Arthur as a friend.
Stretch your imagination.
Think of him as a doctor!
I'm afraid to risk losing
a lifelong friendship
with a guy I love!
I think I'm better
off selling nails.
Oh, will you? What kind of
job for a man is selling nails?
- You just said it was...
- Look, if you think
you're going to have
difficulties with Arthur,
why don't you lay down
some ground rules?
Why don't you go
out there and tell them
you have to be in
complete control
and they are simply
silent partners?
- Do you think
they'd go for that?
- Well, of course!
All right, I'll go out there
and lay it on the line.
- Well?
- It's a deal.
(Arthur yelling) But
only on one condition!
Now, I have to have
complete control.
You guys are just
my silent partners.
- Certainly.
- Naturally! Walter, we wouldn't
want it any other way.
After all, you know appliances,
and we know medicine.
I'd no more try to
tell you how to, uh,
order washing machines,
than you'd tell me to
prescribe tetracycline
for strep throat!
Penicillin.
What?
It's penicillin for
a strep throat.
Whatever!
Great, Arthur, it's a deal!
Ah, Walter, old pal!
Can you believe it?! We
are in business together!
Arthur, you saved my life!
Bye, old buddy.
This is wonderful.
My chum!
Maude,
I am so happy!
Perfect, just what the
tree needed, a little snow.
Mrs. Findlay, I'm going
up to have dinner with Bert.
You can take the
turkey out in 20 minutes.
Okay, thank you, dear.
Doesn't the tree look beautiful?
Thank you.
Of course, Bert
strung the lights
and Carol put up the ornaments
and Phillip threw the tinsel on
before they left for Vermont.
Oh, It's lovely.
I put the snow on.
That's the only thing
that doesn't work for me.
Ah, it's Christmas.
Has Mr. Findlay come
back from the store yet?
Please, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Don't talk about
Mr. Findlay and the store.
Why? What's the matter?
I don't know.
He should be the
happiest man on Earth.
I mean, he's running a
big appliance store again,
which is exactly what he
wanted. He's miserable.
- But why?
- I don't know.
He's such a typical man.
He's so tight-lipped,
he'd do anything on Earth
except come right out
and say what's on his mind.
I'm gonna kill Arthur Harmon!
Pay attention, I think he's
starting to drop some clues.
Walter, what is it?
Maude, I can't
keep it in any longer.
Arthur is driving me crazy.
He's been down at the store
every day for the past two weeks.
He's offering discounts
we can't afford.
He's ordering junky merchandise!
We're losing money
because of him!
Look, Arthur agreed
he would not interfere.
He thinks he's helping,
- but he's driving
everybody crazy!
- Shh.
My repairman, Louis Escobar,
he's trying to get himself
deported as an illegal alien.
Honey, why didn't
you tell me this before?
Maude, you've been so
terrific through my bankruptcy.
I didn't want to
spoil your Christmas
after everything you've done.
Oh, Maude, look at that tree.
- It's beautiful!
- Oh, thank you.
Actually, Bert and Carol and
Phillip did most of the work,
but I put the snow on.
That's the only
thing I don't like.
Sit down, I wanna
to tell you something.
I'm thinking of calling
Dr. Binder Monday
and telling him I'm not
the right man for the job.
Oh, Walter, no.
I don't know what else to do!
- I can't take it anymore!
- (doorbell rings)
Yes?
Ma'am, would you care
to make a contribution
to a very worthy cause?
Oh, you're collecting for
Campbell's Chunky Chicken?
No, ma'am.
I'm collecting for Easter Seals.
Easter... This is Christmas.
Easter is four months away!
Oh!
Well, no wonder
I didn't see any...
eggs on your lawn.
Oh, wait a minute, I think
I can give you something.
Oh, thank you.
And may I say that's a very
lovely tree you have there.
Thank you very much.
I put the snow on.
Well, don't you worry.
That'll be our little secret.
Walter, honey, you
can't quit this job.
Now, this is everything
you've wanted.
I mean, you're a partner
in your own store again.
Findlay's Friendly Appliances.
Arthur and Vivian are gonna
be here in just a few minutes.
Why don't you level with them?
I can't! Arthur
would be crushed!
Remember, he's been like a
brother to me for almost 30 years,
since we were in
the Army together.
Yes, and remember he is
also the same Arthur Harmon
who shot you in the
foot during basic training.
It was an accident, Maude.
(doorbell rings)
Honey, do me a favor, will you?
Please, please, just try
to hold on a little longer.
I mean, let's just have a
nice friendly Christmas Eve.
Merry Christmas, Maude!
Merry Christmas, Vivian!
No, no, leave the door
open. Leave it open!
There's a very special
surprise coming!
Stand over here.
Merry Christmas, Walter!
Oh, Merry Christmas, Viv.
Oh, what a beautiful tree!
Who put the snow on?
Walter.
Well, the snow makes
the whole tree for me.
(bells jingling)
That must be our
special surprise!
Uh oh! Look, everybody!
It's old Saint Nick himself!
Ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho, ho!
Look what Santa brought
for you good boys and girls.
It's really Arthur.
Maudie, Walter, Merry Christmas!
Wait a minute, Arthur.
I thought we decided
we were not going
to exchange valuable
gifts this year?
But this is the Jackson
Portable Home Laundry.
It washes, rinses,
spins, dries and fluffs.
It does five things, five different
things all at the same time.
They call it the Jackson 5.
The Jackson 5.
I never heard of that machine.
I'm just gonna take it out
and hook it up in the kitchen.
Arthur wants you
to see how it works.
(laughs)
♪ Jingle bells, Jingle Bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way. ♪
Take off your shirt, Walter.
What? What for?
I want to wash it.
Maudie, why don't
you take off your...
My what?
Forget it, Maudie.
Arthur, this is
my favorite shirt!
Come on, Walter,
be a good sport!
Oh! This is crazy!
Come on, Walter, old buddy!
It's Christmas!
I mean, how is
that little machine
going to get through a
whole cycle in five minutes?
For just a shirt it takes
a lot less time than that.
The machine's all ready!
Oh, good. Viv, put Walter's
shirt through the mini cycle.
Okey dokey!
Isn't this fun?
I feel just like a housewife!
Arthur, where on Earth
did you find that machine?
I picked them up at a distress
sale down at the freight yard.
They are gonna
sell like hotcakes!
There she goes.
Wait a minute,
Arthur. A distress sale?
How many of them did you buy?
Well, partner, get this.
Normally, they
wholesale for $300,
but these were just $125 each.
So, I managed to pick up
three dozen of them for the store.
Three dozen?!
How about that?
Isn't that incredible?
Arthur, that's $4,500!
Arthur, about the Jackson 5.
How about that? Your
shirt's finished already.
Oh, It's finished alright.
My favorite shirt.
Maude, I can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna have one of Mrs.
Naugatuck's Christmas cookies!
No, Walter!
- No, no, no!
- I need a cookie!
First it's one cookie,
then it's two cookies.
Next thing you know,
it's the lost weekend!
Give me a cookie!
Maude! I want a cookie!
You see, Walter?
You see how the cookies crumble?
Arthur, how could you do this?
You're dumb! You're stupid.
You're incompetent!
Walter, I am shocked!
That is no way to
talk to Santa Claus!
There must be some
good explanation.
Viv probably just
pushed the wrong button.
There's only one button, Arthur.
I'm not blaming you, Viv. I
know you don't read Korean.
That does it, First thing
Monday morning, I resign!
Walter, let me talk to him.
I'll reason with him.
Maude, you can't
reason with him!
Then I'll lie to him, which
will be more fun anyway.
Oh, Arthur's very upset
he's out there saying
Walter doesn't appreciate
what he's been
doing for the store.
Oh, listen, Viv, why don't
you open your present?
- There, under the tree.
- Which one is it?
The one shaped like
a smoked salmon.
Arthur.
Walter's being very unfair.
Arthur, Walter is my husband,
and I probably should
not be saying this,
but has he ever thanked you for
all the work you've
done down at the store?
All the hours you put in?
- You want a bite?
- No, thanks.
Well, Walter's
been awfully busy.
Oh, come on, Arthur.
I think Walter's
behavior is disgraceful.
That's true. I hate the
appliance business.
I don't belong
in it. I'm a doctor.
I belong in condominiums.
Arthur, you know what
I would do if I were you?
I would give Walter
exactly what he deserves.
I would go out there and
tell him that, "I am selling out!"
You are absolutely right, Maude!
But wait, I can't
tell him just like that.
I would never do anything
to hurt Walter's feelings.
Oh, well, then why don't
you tell him you're selling out
because you're too busy
with your medical practice?
That way he can save face.
That's good!
You know, he may be a hard
person to be in business with,
but Walter's a good old boy.
Not many guys would
be your friend for 30 years.
Especially not after
you shot them in the foot.
Yeah.
I haven't thought about
that for a long time.
Walter thinks about
it every time it rains.
Maude, this is not only
shaped like a smoked salmon.
It even looks like
a smoked salmon!
- What is it?
- A tuna.
Walter, I have
something to tell you.
I hope you'll understand.
Sure, Arthur.
I have to make a choice.
I have to make a choice
between the appliance
business and saving lives.
It's not an easy
decision to make,
but, frankly, there's more
money in saving lives.
Arthur, what do you mean?
I have decided
to sell out, Walter.
And I'm going to sell my
share to you, not to Dr. Binder.
I'll go to the bank with you and help
you arrange a loan, now how's that?
Oh, Arthur!
- My buddy!
- (doorbell rings)
Oh, God bless us
each and every one.
Come on, everybody
sit down at the table.
We're going to have a
delicious Christmas Eve dinner.
(laughs)
Hey, excuse me, ma'am,
but I'm raising
money for Halloween.
I'm buying pumpkins
for the needy.
Oh, all right.
Here, here's a dollar.
One lousy dollar?
Do you know much it cost me
to come all the way
over here in a taxicab?
Thank you very
much, Mrs. Scrooge.
Ah, it's Christmas.
Excuse me, sir. Excuse me?
Yes, ma'am.
Have you had dinner yet?
Why, no, I haven't.
Good. The Colonel
is running a special...
Corn and cluck for under a buck.
♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la. ♪
(music playing)
(vocalizing)
♪ Oh, yeah. ♪
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
♪ Round yon Virgin ♪
♪ Mother and child ♪
♪ Holy infant ♪
♪ So tender and mild ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
♪ Peace ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
♪ Peace. ♪
Mother, what exactly
are you making?
Oh, honey, this is a homemade
fish plaque for the Harmons.
You just glue broken
pieces of pottery to the wood
so it looks like scales.
I thought they could hang
it in their rumpus room
next to the living
picture of Mona Lisa.
A living picture
of the Mona Lisa?
Yeah, you remember, you plug
it in, she sticks out her tongue.
Oh, Carol, you know it's
two weeks until Christmas
and already I am filled with
the spirit of the holiday season,
and I think that it's
because of my rule that
this year we only exchange
simple, homemade gifts.
It was a great idea.
Oh, isn't that adorable?
Isn't that cunning?
Look, you're making
a pincushion out
of one of Walter's old socks.
Oh, that's lovely.
- Who's it for?
- It's for you!
You'd give your mother
an old sock for Christmas?
Well, then, you're
not going to like
Mrs. Naugatuck's
present, either.
She's making you a bookmark
out of Walter's other sock.
Oh, honey,
I'm sorry.
Actually, it's lovely.
Oh, Carol, this is gonna be
such a wonderful Christmas
in spite of Walter's bankruptcy.
I mean, look at the
marvelous things we've made
just using old oatmeal boxes,
aluminum foil, old cans.
Oh, I tell you, Carol,
I am just flushed with
the spirit of Christmas.
It's like a Hallmark card.
That's cute, Carol.
I'm gonna put that on the card.
Gee, I hope my mother likes it.
Where's Walter?
Listen, you know,
Walter may have
some good news for us tonight.
Do you know that he flew
to Boston this afternoon
for an interview
with Murray Aviation?
Murray Aviation?
That sounds impressive.
Oh, he was so excited
when the call came.
Can't you just picture
Walter in aeronautics?
I think it's perfect for him.
I mean, can't you just
see him as an executive
at an exciting jet age industry?
Hello, Maude.
Hello, Carol.
What happened in Boston, Walley?
I got the job!
Oh, Walter!
That is fantastic!
Congratulations.
That is marvelous.
What kind of job is it?
Merchandising manager?
A plant supervisor?
Purchasing agent!
They hired me to sell nails.
That was my very next guess!
Oh, Walter, this is wonderful!
Oh, honey, when do you begin?
After the first of the year.
They don't use nails
on airplanes, do they?
How do you think they
keep the wings on?
You know, Maude, Murray Aviation
- has nothing to
do with airplanes.
- What do you mean?
- All they make nails.
- Wait a minute, I don't
understand.
Why do they call
it Murray Aviation?
Because that's the name of
the guy who owns the place.
Murray Aviation.
I call on hardware stores.
This is my sample case,
and these are my samples.
I specialize two-penny nails,
six-penny nails
and 10-penny nails.
Is that what they cost?
No, that's the size.
Two-penny nails
are three for 4 cents,
six-penny nails are
seven for 8 cents
and 10-penny nails
are a dime a dozen.
That's fascinating.
Oh, Walter, Walter, I
am so excited about this!
Carol, aren't you
excited about this?
Yes, I'm very excited about it!
You see, Walter?
We're as excited
about this as you are.
- I'm not excited about this.
- Walter.
Let's face it, Maude.
It's a pretty ordinary job.
Oh, Walter, I think
it's a great job!
Could I have two of these nails?
Sure. Why?
Well, Mother didn't like the
pincushion I made for her.
I thought I could bend these
into a nice pair of pierced earrings.
Carol, I don't
have pierced ears.
You will when you put these on.
Rotten!
You know, Maude, I wish I'd
got this job a couple of weeks ago.
I mean, so we could all afford to
buy decent Christmas presents.
Oh, honey, honey,
we're all so excited
about the homemade gifts.
Believe me, darling,
everybody in this house is just
filled with the spirit of
charity and self-sacrifice.
Isn't that right,
Mrs. Naugatuck?
When am I getting my flipping
Christmas bonus, ma'am?
Mrs. Naugatuck, I
thought you understood.
We just don't have enough
money to give you a bonus this year.
Oh, very well.
Would you like to try one
of my Christmas cookies?
That's what I'm giving
everyone this year!
- Oh, how sweet.
- I'd love one!
No!
None for you, Mr. Findlay.
You're an alcoholic.
I put bourbon in these.
Really, Mrs. Naugatuck,
surely you don't think
Walter's going to
fall off the wagon
because of a Christmas cookie?
Well, you never know.
I had an uncle who
didn't touch a drop,
then one day he had
a piece of rum cake.
He never drew a
sober breath again.
Auntie had to go
all over London,
pulling him out of bakeries.
He ended up in the gutter
with crumbs on his face.
Mrs. Naugatuck, you
really don't expect us
to believe that, do you?
No,
but doesn't it make a
nice Christmas story?
Oh, by the way,
ma'am, merry Christmas!
Maude, what's that?
It's a lovely homemade bookmark.
Boy, what a lousy Christmas,
people are giving
each other my socks.
Honey, now, don't talk that way.
You should be very happy.
Sweetheart, think of the
trouble you've had getting work.
I mean, now you've suddenly
found a meaningful career.
Selling nails.
Now, Walter,
don't sneer at nails.
Selling nails is
a real man's job.
I mean, nails
are so... so butch!
I'd feel a lot better
about selling nails
if I didn't know about Ned
Hinkley's appliance store.
What are you talking about?
Just sitting over there
on Mohawk Street,
waiting for someone
to run it right!
When Ned died last month,
I thought his wife
might make me an offer.
I mean, what does
a 22-year-old widow
know about running a store?
She's killing the
business, Maude!
Honey, forget about that.
- Be thankful for what we have.
- (doorbell rings)
Come in!
Maudie, Walter,
you got a minute?
I want you to meet
Dr. Hubie Binder!
- (Maude) How do you do?
- How do you do? Hello.
Dr. Binder is a colleague
of mine down at the hospital.
In fact, I might tell you
that he is one of the more
prominent specialists
on the staff.
Oh, really?
What do you
specialize in, Doctor?
Real estate.
Real estate?
Sure, most doctors specialize
in the stock market
or pork bellies.
Tell me, Dr. Binder, do
you also practice medicine?
Does he practice medicine?
This is one of the leading foot
doctors in Westchester County!
He'd be too modest to tell you,
but Hubie here used to do
Jacqueline Kennedy's toes.
Aww, come on, Arthur.
That was a long time ago.
Can I get you guys a drink?
No, thanks. This is
gonna be short and sweet!
Oh, boy, are you
in for a surprise!
Walter, you know Ned
Hinkley's appliance store?
Well, Hubie and I just bought
it from the widow Hinkley.
- You're kidding?
- No!
And we want you to come
in with us a full partner!
We supply the money, you supply
your know-how and your name.
Findlay's Friendly Appliances!
Oh, Walter, Walter,
did you hear that?
That's fantastic!
That's great!
Well, what do you say?
Actually, I'd like
to think it over.
Walter, what do you mean?
Well, Walter! We need
you to start right away!
Tomorrow!
This is the height of
the Christmas season!
Arthur, I really
appreciate it, but
I'd have to give
it a lot of thought.
Walter, honey, could I see
you in the kitchen, please?
Excuse us.
We'll be back in a jiffy.
You crazy?!
(shouting)
What do you mean you
have to give it some thought?!
This is the chance
of a lifetime!
Maude, Arthur is my best friend.
It's a mistake to be in
business with friends.
Now, look, you cannot afford
to let this opportunity pass by.
Now, don't think of
Arthur as a friend.
Stretch your imagination.
Think of him as a doctor!
I'm afraid to risk losing
a lifelong friendship
with a guy I love!
I think I'm better
off selling nails.
Oh, will you? What kind of
job for a man is selling nails?
- You just said it was...
- Look, if you think
you're going to have
difficulties with Arthur,
why don't you lay down
some ground rules?
Why don't you go
out there and tell them
you have to be in
complete control
and they are simply
silent partners?
- Do you think
they'd go for that?
- Well, of course!
All right, I'll go out there
and lay it on the line.
- Well?
- It's a deal.
(Arthur yelling) But
only on one condition!
Now, I have to have
complete control.
You guys are just
my silent partners.
- Certainly.
- Naturally! Walter, we wouldn't
want it any other way.
After all, you know appliances,
and we know medicine.
I'd no more try to
tell you how to, uh,
order washing machines,
than you'd tell me to
prescribe tetracycline
for strep throat!
Penicillin.
What?
It's penicillin for
a strep throat.
Whatever!
Great, Arthur, it's a deal!
Ah, Walter, old pal!
Can you believe it?! We
are in business together!
Arthur, you saved my life!
Bye, old buddy.
This is wonderful.
My chum!
Maude,
I am so happy!
Perfect, just what the
tree needed, a little snow.
Mrs. Findlay, I'm going
up to have dinner with Bert.
You can take the
turkey out in 20 minutes.
Okay, thank you, dear.
Doesn't the tree look beautiful?
Thank you.
Of course, Bert
strung the lights
and Carol put up the ornaments
and Phillip threw the tinsel on
before they left for Vermont.
Oh, It's lovely.
I put the snow on.
That's the only thing
that doesn't work for me.
Ah, it's Christmas.
Has Mr. Findlay come
back from the store yet?
Please, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Don't talk about
Mr. Findlay and the store.
Why? What's the matter?
I don't know.
He should be the
happiest man on Earth.
I mean, he's running a
big appliance store again,
which is exactly what he
wanted. He's miserable.
- But why?
- I don't know.
He's such a typical man.
He's so tight-lipped,
he'd do anything on Earth
except come right out
and say what's on his mind.
I'm gonna kill Arthur Harmon!
Pay attention, I think he's
starting to drop some clues.
Walter, what is it?
Maude, I can't
keep it in any longer.
Arthur is driving me crazy.
He's been down at the store
every day for the past two weeks.
He's offering discounts
we can't afford.
He's ordering junky merchandise!
We're losing money
because of him!
Look, Arthur agreed
he would not interfere.
He thinks he's helping,
- but he's driving
everybody crazy!
- Shh.
My repairman, Louis Escobar,
he's trying to get himself
deported as an illegal alien.
Honey, why didn't
you tell me this before?
Maude, you've been so
terrific through my bankruptcy.
I didn't want to
spoil your Christmas
after everything you've done.
Oh, Maude, look at that tree.
- It's beautiful!
- Oh, thank you.
Actually, Bert and Carol and
Phillip did most of the work,
but I put the snow on.
That's the only
thing I don't like.
Sit down, I wanna
to tell you something.
I'm thinking of calling
Dr. Binder Monday
and telling him I'm not
the right man for the job.
Oh, Walter, no.
I don't know what else to do!
- I can't take it anymore!
- (doorbell rings)
Yes?
Ma'am, would you care
to make a contribution
to a very worthy cause?
Oh, you're collecting for
Campbell's Chunky Chicken?
No, ma'am.
I'm collecting for Easter Seals.
Easter... This is Christmas.
Easter is four months away!
Oh!
Well, no wonder
I didn't see any...
eggs on your lawn.
Oh, wait a minute, I think
I can give you something.
Oh, thank you.
And may I say that's a very
lovely tree you have there.
Thank you very much.
I put the snow on.
Well, don't you worry.
That'll be our little secret.
Walter, honey, you
can't quit this job.
Now, this is everything
you've wanted.
I mean, you're a partner
in your own store again.
Findlay's Friendly Appliances.
Arthur and Vivian are gonna
be here in just a few minutes.
Why don't you level with them?
I can't! Arthur
would be crushed!
Remember, he's been like a
brother to me for almost 30 years,
since we were in
the Army together.
Yes, and remember he is
also the same Arthur Harmon
who shot you in the
foot during basic training.
It was an accident, Maude.
(doorbell rings)
Honey, do me a favor, will you?
Please, please, just try
to hold on a little longer.
I mean, let's just have a
nice friendly Christmas Eve.
Merry Christmas, Maude!
Merry Christmas, Vivian!
No, no, leave the door
open. Leave it open!
There's a very special
surprise coming!
Stand over here.
Merry Christmas, Walter!
Oh, Merry Christmas, Viv.
Oh, what a beautiful tree!
Who put the snow on?
Walter.
Well, the snow makes
the whole tree for me.
(bells jingling)
That must be our
special surprise!
Uh oh! Look, everybody!
It's old Saint Nick himself!
Ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho, ho!
Look what Santa brought
for you good boys and girls.
It's really Arthur.
Maudie, Walter, Merry Christmas!
Wait a minute, Arthur.
I thought we decided
we were not going
to exchange valuable
gifts this year?
But this is the Jackson
Portable Home Laundry.
It washes, rinses,
spins, dries and fluffs.
It does five things, five different
things all at the same time.
They call it the Jackson 5.
The Jackson 5.
I never heard of that machine.
I'm just gonna take it out
and hook it up in the kitchen.
Arthur wants you
to see how it works.
(laughs)
♪ Jingle bells, Jingle Bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way. ♪
Take off your shirt, Walter.
What? What for?
I want to wash it.
Maudie, why don't
you take off your...
My what?
Forget it, Maudie.
Arthur, this is
my favorite shirt!
Come on, Walter,
be a good sport!
Oh! This is crazy!
Come on, Walter, old buddy!
It's Christmas!
I mean, how is
that little machine
going to get through a
whole cycle in five minutes?
For just a shirt it takes
a lot less time than that.
The machine's all ready!
Oh, good. Viv, put Walter's
shirt through the mini cycle.
Okey dokey!
Isn't this fun?
I feel just like a housewife!
Arthur, where on Earth
did you find that machine?
I picked them up at a distress
sale down at the freight yard.
They are gonna
sell like hotcakes!
There she goes.
Wait a minute,
Arthur. A distress sale?
How many of them did you buy?
Well, partner, get this.
Normally, they
wholesale for $300,
but these were just $125 each.
So, I managed to pick up
three dozen of them for the store.
Three dozen?!
How about that?
Isn't that incredible?
Arthur, that's $4,500!
Arthur, about the Jackson 5.
How about that? Your
shirt's finished already.
Oh, It's finished alright.
My favorite shirt.
Maude, I can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna have one of Mrs.
Naugatuck's Christmas cookies!
No, Walter!
- No, no, no!
- I need a cookie!
First it's one cookie,
then it's two cookies.
Next thing you know,
it's the lost weekend!
Give me a cookie!
Maude! I want a cookie!
You see, Walter?
You see how the cookies crumble?
Arthur, how could you do this?
You're dumb! You're stupid.
You're incompetent!
Walter, I am shocked!
That is no way to
talk to Santa Claus!
There must be some
good explanation.
Viv probably just
pushed the wrong button.
There's only one button, Arthur.
I'm not blaming you, Viv. I
know you don't read Korean.
That does it, First thing
Monday morning, I resign!
Walter, let me talk to him.
I'll reason with him.
Maude, you can't
reason with him!
Then I'll lie to him, which
will be more fun anyway.
Oh, Arthur's very upset
he's out there saying
Walter doesn't appreciate
what he's been
doing for the store.
Oh, listen, Viv, why don't
you open your present?
- There, under the tree.
- Which one is it?
The one shaped like
a smoked salmon.
Arthur.
Walter's being very unfair.
Arthur, Walter is my husband,
and I probably should
not be saying this,
but has he ever thanked you for
all the work you've
done down at the store?
All the hours you put in?
- You want a bite?
- No, thanks.
Well, Walter's
been awfully busy.
Oh, come on, Arthur.
I think Walter's
behavior is disgraceful.
That's true. I hate the
appliance business.
I don't belong
in it. I'm a doctor.
I belong in condominiums.
Arthur, you know what
I would do if I were you?
I would give Walter
exactly what he deserves.
I would go out there and
tell him that, "I am selling out!"
You are absolutely right, Maude!
But wait, I can't
tell him just like that.
I would never do anything
to hurt Walter's feelings.
Oh, well, then why don't
you tell him you're selling out
because you're too busy
with your medical practice?
That way he can save face.
That's good!
You know, he may be a hard
person to be in business with,
but Walter's a good old boy.
Not many guys would
be your friend for 30 years.
Especially not after
you shot them in the foot.
Yeah.
I haven't thought about
that for a long time.
Walter thinks about
it every time it rains.
Maude, this is not only
shaped like a smoked salmon.
It even looks like
a smoked salmon!
- What is it?
- A tuna.
Walter, I have
something to tell you.
I hope you'll understand.
Sure, Arthur.
I have to make a choice.
I have to make a choice
between the appliance
business and saving lives.
It's not an easy
decision to make,
but, frankly, there's more
money in saving lives.
Arthur, what do you mean?
I have decided
to sell out, Walter.
And I'm going to sell my
share to you, not to Dr. Binder.
I'll go to the bank with you and help
you arrange a loan, now how's that?
Oh, Arthur!
- My buddy!
- (doorbell rings)
Oh, God bless us
each and every one.
Come on, everybody
sit down at the table.
We're going to have a
delicious Christmas Eve dinner.
(laughs)
Hey, excuse me, ma'am,
but I'm raising
money for Halloween.
I'm buying pumpkins
for the needy.
Oh, all right.
Here, here's a dollar.
One lousy dollar?
Do you know much it cost me
to come all the way
over here in a taxicab?
Thank you very
much, Mrs. Scrooge.
Ah, it's Christmas.
Excuse me, sir. Excuse me?
Yes, ma'am.
Have you had dinner yet?
Why, no, I haven't.
Good. The Colonel
is running a special...
Corn and cluck for under a buck.
♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la. ♪
(music playing)
(vocalizing)
♪ Oh, yeah. ♪