Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Rip-Off - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

- Hmm.
- Don't forget now,

the movie tonight is my treat.
I'm celebrating my new job!

That's right, you know, Walter
sold his first used Toyota today.

Oh, does that mean we have
to go see a Japanese movie?

Some of these X-rated movies
are absolutely scandalous!



I wouldn't be
caught dead in one.

How about this one, Arthur?

You like Westerns.
"Painted Desert Perverts."

Here it is!

Here's what I want
to see, "Grizzly Leroy."

Oh, come on, Walter, be serious.

I am serious, Maude!
I saw the ad on TV.

- It's supposed to be great.
- What's it about?

About a man named Leroy
who lives in a mountain cabin

- with a grizzly bear.
- You mean, a man and
a grizzly bear

live in the same cabin?
How could that happen?

Well, when the bear decided to move in,
there wasn't much Leroy could do about it.

- It sounds cute.
- I know what I want to see!

There's a Charles Bronson
festival on the Somerset, and here,

tonight's double feature is "Death
Wish" and "Mr. Majestic." Wow!

"Death Wish," is that the one where Charles
Bronson goes around killing muggers?

- That's right.
- Ooh, why would he do that?

Well, because they raped his
daughter and murdered his wife!

Ooh!

What do they do
in "Mr. Majestic?"

They take his stereo.

I refuse to see any movie

that encourages people to
take the law into their own hands.

You shouldn't see
it either, Arthur.

I mean, you're already hysterical
just because there have been

a few burglaries in
the neighborhood.

I'm not hysterical,
Maude, I just think

we ought to take a few
common sense precautions,

like forming a citizens' patrol.

Armed with guns.

There's nothing wrong with
guns in the hands of people

who know how to use
them, Maudie, like me.

I was in the Army. These
hands were trained to kill.

I thought you learned
that in medical school.

You know, I agree
with Maude, Arthur.

We don't need guns,
they only lead to trouble.

Come on, everybody.
Stop arguing!

- I wanna go see
"Grizzly Leroy."
- Me, too!

I guess I don't mind
seeing "Grizzly Leroy."

Now, just a minute.
Now, how about me?

Nobody even knows
what I want to see.

What's the difference, Maude?
You're outnumbered three to one.

Well, you three
go on without me.

- Aw, Maude.
- No, no. It's alright, honey.

I don't wanna spoil
your good time.

And you know
something? I'm really kind of

looking forward to an
evening at home alone,

watching television.

Oh, no, Maude, I want you
to go to the movies with us!

Look, I refuse to sit
through "Grizzly Leroy."

Now, what kind of a
movie is that for adults?

And it doesn't even
feature a big name bear.

I really enjoyed that movie.

I didn't know that
bears could be so...

personable.

I like the part
where they first met.

There he was, with his
leg caught in the bear trap

and he's grunting
and snorting...

Yeah, Leroy was lucky that
bear came along and let him out.

That's funny, Maude
left the door unlocked.

I'll get the lights.

(talking at once)

Maude! Maude!
Honey, are you all right?!

Did you see him?! Did you
see what they looked like?!

Oh, I'll never forgive
myself. Look at this!

How could I leave
you alone like this?

- Walter.
- The house was unprotected!

- Walter.
- Maude!

Tell me. Say it! What is it?

Untie me.

Oh, yeah.

The police will be right over.

Aw...

Maudie, are you all right?

How are you?

- Maude?
- Are you all right?

- Say something!
- Oh, I feel terrible.

Get her a chair.

Oh, here's one! Here!

Oh.

Maude, did they hurt you?

No.

Maude, did they...

you know.

- Did they abuse you?
- No.

- You sure?
- I was here, Vivian.

What is it, Maudie?

What did they do?

They came into my house.

My house! My house!
They came into my house!

- Arthur, get her a chair!
- Yeah.

- Here.
- Oh, it was terrible.

I mean, these two men came in
and gagged me and tied me up

and then took everything
from our house.

Our home.

Our sanctuary.

Oh, Maude, my poor Maude.

If it had been a fire
or a flood or a tornado,

I wouldn't have
felt so terrible.

I wouldn't have had this
awful feeling of violation.

I knew it.

Maudie, let me
get you a sedative.

No, I'm all right.
Just get me a chair.

Oh, it was such a shock.

Listen, Walter, don't
you think we should

get in touch with
our insurance agent?

Chick Sears! I know
him, I'll call him.

Thanks, Arthur. Oh,
this makes me furious!

I mean, a couple of punks come
in to my house and tie up my wife?!

Maude, how do you
suppose they got in?

I don't know. I was sitting in a
chair and the next thing I knew,

I was being tied up and gagged.

You didn't hear them come in?

No. You see, I had just sat
down and turned on television

to watch "The
Captain and Tennille"

and I couldn't have been asleep more
than two minutes when it happened!

That must have been awful!

Oh, it was.

Their special guests were
Donny and Marie Osmond!

- Findlay residence?
- Oh, officer, thank God
you're here.

Now, you have to help
us. Please do something.

Okay, okay, take
it easy, take it easy.

- I'm Officer Lopez.
- Oh, I'm Maude Findlay,

my husband Walter, our
neighbors, Dr. and Mrs. Harmon.

Carry on.

It was simply terrible!

Two men came in here and
just cleaned out our whole house.

How did you get here so quickly?

I was around the
corner when I got the call.

I'll go make some coffee.

Tell me, could you describe
these two men, lady?

Not really. You see, they had
stockings over their faces, but

the shorter one
probably had a weak chin.

How could you tell?

He was wearing Supp-hose.

Ah, I'm sorry. I can't make
any coffee. They took the stove.

What are you writing?

Stove.

Hey, do you know?
I can't figure it out.

How did they get all
that stuff out of here?

They backed a van
up to our front door.

That could be a clue, Maude.

Maybe they were with
a moving company.

No, I don't think so.
They worked too fast.

Where were your neighbors?
Didn't they see anything?

Yes, they saw "Grizzly Leroy."

Okay, look, I'll turn this
over to the detectives

and I'll have them
check out the van.

Thank you, officer.

Don't expect too much.
It's probably stolen.

Wait a minute.

Two men come into the house,

steal everything, tie up my wife
and the cops can't do anything?!

You people never learn, do you?

- Learn what?
- You blame the police

but you don't do anything
to protect yourselves.

What are you talking about?

Do you got a burglar alarm?

- No.
- Of course not.

And what about iron
bars for your windows?

I mean, they're so expensive.

Oh, and is it too expensive to
put triple locks on your doors?

We thought about that.

You know, I bet you don't
even have an attack dog.

I guess we're very
careless people.

Don't blame yourselves.

Que sera sera.
Whatever that means.

Well, Maudie, maybe
you'll listen to me now.

This neighborhood needs a
well-armed citizen's patrol, and quick.

Please, Arthur, I don't
want to hear another word

about citizen's
patrols and guns.

I mean, particularly not
after all I've been through.

Oh, Walter.

Oh, Walter.

Our breakfront.

What about it?

That's where I kept things that
had sentimental value to me.

Carol's baby
pictures were in there.

Oh, how am I going to
replace Carol's baby pictures?

Oh, there, there, Maude.
You can just take another one.

- Arthur, I think
we ought to go now.
- Yeah, I think you're right.

- (doorbell rings)
- I'll get it.

Oh, look, here's Chick!

Hello, Doc, Vivian.

Oh, Maude, look.

Chick's in his jammies. He
got out of bed to come over.

Oh, Chick, thanks so
much for coming over.

Well, good night, folks. You've
got business to talk about.

What's all this about a robbery?

Why don't you sit
down on the sofa

and we'll tell you all about it.

Oh, boy. They really
cleaned you out, didn't they?

Well, don't worry.
It's not so bad.

Sure, Maude, we can
buy all new furniture.

I mean, won't that be fun?

- That would be nice.
- That's the spirit.

And I can have a check to
you by the end of the week.

- Terrific!
- Well, that's wonderful.

Now, um, that sofa,

you bought that when
you were married, right?

That's right. For $600.

Well, I want you to know
that you're going to get at least

$60 for that sofa alone!

$60?

How can we get only
$60 for a $600 sofa?

Well, we have to figure
in our annual depreciation,

but don't sneer at that $60.

I guarantee you it's a lot
more than those crooks

will be able to
get for that sofa.

Guess we really took
those guys for a ride.

That's the spirit.

Now, Chick, just a minute.

We're talking about a
whole house full of furniture.

How much money are we
going to get to replace all that?

Well, this is just
a ball-park figure,

now, don't hold me to
this, but it's gonna be...

well over $1,800!

$1,800?

For an entire house
full of furniture?!

Chick: You're upset.

I know how you feel.

You're probably just kicking yourselves
because you don't have an attack dog.

Oh, Chick, I promise you,

next time you come,
we'll have an attack dog.

That's the spirit.

Maude, that does it.

I'm gonna help Arthur
form a citizen's patrol.

- Walter, not with guns.
- Yes, Maude, with guns!

Thieves just walked into my
house and robbed me blind.

Look, I am upset
with Chick, too!

I'm not talking about Chick. I'm
talking about those other crooks!

I mean, I'm going over to Arthur.
A man can only take so much.

Look, look, now
you're excited, Walter.

Let me get you a glass of milk.

That will calm you down and then we
can discuss this whole thing rationally.

They took the refrigerator, too.

Walter...

Okay, Mother, where do
you want me to put the stool?

Uh... put that right over there.

Thank you, dear. Now look,
would you give me a hand?

Well,

I think the living
room is really

shaping up.

Shaping up? They should put a
sign outside, "Looters welcome."

But you know what's
really important?

The way all the neighbors just
pitched in and donated furniture.

You know, look at this, Carol.

It's a collector's item

from the estate of
the late Bela Lugosi.

Imagine what they would
have given a neighbor they liked.

Where's Walter?

He's over at Arthur's house.

They're having a meeting to
discuss forming a citizen's patrol.

Oh, they're not really
going through with it.

I'm afraid so.

Mother, I don't know how
you keep your spirits up.

I mean, first you go through
the ordeal of the robbery

and then you have to
watch the neighborhood men

running around
playing vigilante.

You know, Carol,
when I was a little girl,

my mother told me two things
about men that are really true.

And the first one is that all
men are essentially little boys.

But Mother, they're
gonna carry guns.

They're not acting
like little boys.

Those men are just plain dumb.

That's the second
thing my mother told me.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, hello, Carol. Hello, Maude,

more furniture for
your living room!

Vivian, what is it?

Arthur's first operating table.

Vivian, what am I
going to do with it?

I thought you could use
it for a dining room table.

You can have a
stand-up dinner for six.

Or a lie-down dinner for one.

Oh, look at that
old television set!

Oh, it's got one of those
little magnifying bubbles

on the front and everything.
Who gave that to you?

I don't know, who did, Carol?

I don't know, either.

Just came with a note
signed anonymous.

I guess I'm not as
well-liked as I thought.

Well, I'll see you later.

Phillip and I are taking Mrs.
Naugatuck to the movies.

I hope you're not taking
Phillip to see "Grizzly Leroy."

There's something
basically unhealthy

about a relationship
between a man and a bear.

No,

we're going to see
that new Disney film,

"The Lamb Who Kicked
Field Goals for the Lions."

You know, Maude,

you've never really
told me any details

about your robbers.

Well, Viv, I...

I really don't like
to talk about it.

But, did they...

you know...

Did they...

abuse you?

- No, Viv.
- Oh, Maude,

now come on, you
can tell me the truth.

Didn't they abuse you?

- No, Viv.
- Are you sure?

I am sure!

Not anywhere?

- Well...
- Yes?

- The big one...
- Yes?!

- When he put me in the chair
and he gagged me...
- Yes?!

- And he tied me up...
- Yes?!

I think he fixed that
crick in my neck.

Ooh.

Ah, Vivian, there you
are. I need you at home

to help prepare refreshments
for the Citizen's Committee Patrol.

Come on, Maude, huh?

Why don't you change your
mind and come to the meeting?

You could help, too.

I refuse to have
anything to do with

a group that carries guns.

Maude, let's get this
straight once and for all.

Guns are necessary.

Criminals are carrying guns.

Don't you think that innocent
victims should have the same right?

And besides, under
the constitution,

every American has
the right to bear arms.

That's only for the
purpose of forming a militia.

Well, that's exactly what
we're doing, forming a militia.

Criminals will stay out
of this neighborhood

once they know that we're armed.

So will I.

If it were up to me, all
guns would be outlawed.

Outlaw guns?!

(laughing)

Surely you jest!

We won our independence
from the British with guns.

We settled the west with guns.

Where would this country
be if it wasn't for guns?

One thing, Abraham
Lincoln would still be alive.

Well, you have to take
the bad with the good.

How can you even think
about carrying guns, Arthur?

Walter told me that when
you two were in the Army,

you shot yourself in the foot.

That is a lie!

That's not what I told you,
Maude! He shot me in the foot!

Well, it kept you
from going overseas.

Kept you from
going overseas, too.

Once and for all, I refuse
to have anything to do

with your Mickey Mouse Militia.

Arthur, is that what you're
going to call your patrol?

The Mickey Mouse Militia?

Maude, how can you
take this so lightly?

Three days ago, we were robbed.
Please come to the meeting.

I am not taking it lightly, Walter.
This is a matter for the police.

All right, Walter, let's
forget about Maude.

- Come on, Vivian, it's
time to start the meeting.
- Go on, I'll be right there.

I wanna talk to
Maude for a minute.

Maude, listen, you've just got
to come to this meeting tonight.

- Oh, not me, Viv.
- Maude, you're the only one

who might convince
them not to carry guns.

Maude, guns scare me.

I don't want Arthur going
around shooting people in the feet!

Vivian, what could I do?

You could just tell
them how you feel.

They'll listen to you.

You've just been
through a robbery.

You were bound and gagged.

People always listen to
someone who's bound and gagged.

Viv, do you really
think I could help?

Of course, the
neighbors respect you.

Oh, come on, Viv. You
can look around this room

and tell me the
neighbors respect me?

They respect you.

They just don't like you.

Okay, so you've
really got two choices.

First, you can use the .38 special I
just showed you, which the police prefer,

but that takes a lot of skill.

So what I suggest

is one of these...

12 gauge pump shotgun

with a hot load.

You can drop a guy at
20 yards with one of these,

and the beauty is...

even a child can use it.

Excuse me, Maude Findlay.

Pardon me, but
aren't you Eddie Hanks

from Eddie's Gun and Fun Shop?

That's right, ma'am.

Well, I have a question.

Isn't it illegal for citizens to carry
shotguns around on the street?

Well,

it is, and it isn't.

Thank you for clearing that up.

The thing is it's illegal

to carry them on
a private patrol,

but it's not illegal if
you're going hunting.

So what you do is...

you hang one of these
babies on your belt.

Cops think you're a hunter.

Tell me, could you also tie a
deer to the fender of your car?

That's good, too.

If they're in season.

Look, ladies and
gentlemen, neighbors, friends,

I'd like to say
just a few words.

Maudie, why don't you let
Eddie finish what he has to say?

Arthur, let Maude talk. She's
the one who was robbed.

- Thank you, dear.
- She's the one who was

bound and gagged
by vicious criminals.

- Thank you, Vivian.
- God knows what else
they did to her...

All right, Vivian!

Now look, Arthur, I'm just going
to say my peace and then I'll leave.

Here's what I wanna
say. If you neighbors

want to form a
citizen's patrol to,

sort of, walk the streets
and check on things,

that is one thing, but
carrying guns is quite another.

I mean, we're
neighbors. We're friends.

We should help each other.

Why, when Walter and I
were robbed a few days ago,

you people pitched in and helped

and that's what neighbors are
for, not for shooting and killing.

Believe me, no furniture
is worth a human life,

certainly not the furniture
that's over in my house now.

Thank you.

Mrs. Findlay,

just for that, I sure
would like my TV set back.

That figures.

Don't listen to her, folks.

What does she know?

Wait a minute, Arthur.

Maude might be right.

We don't really need guns.

Oh, come on,
Walter, not you, too.

Now, there's no need to
be afraid of guns. Look.

Maybe we could use
little .22 pistols like this.

Now, these are safe,
aren't they, Eddie?

Sure, they got a
special safety catch.

Where's that?

On the back. Just flip it up.

Like this?

(gunshot)

Vivian: Good, I'll
tell him. Goodbye.

Arthur, I just talked
to the hospital.

You can stop worrying.

Dr. Scholl says Eddie's foot's

gonna be as good as new.

I feel awful.

Imagine me,

a surgeon, a healer,

shooting somebody in the foot.

In peace time!

I guess Maude was right.

Yeah, she sure was.

We shouldn't be carrying guns.

At least not until they iron the
bugs out of those safety catches.

Arthur, maybe you
can carry little knives,

if it would make
you feel better.

No, I'm no good with knives.

Maude was right. We're
neighbors. We should just

look out for each other,
keep our eyes open.

We don't need to carry weapons.

You know, I think you
owe Maude an apology.

I do, too.

Come on, let's go over there.

I want to be the one to
tell Maude what happened.

Because, after all,

I was the one who
started all the trouble.

I think that's a
good idea, Arthur.

Just a few burglaries
in the neighborhood,

and I panicked. I'll
admit it, I panicked.

I forgot just for a
second... For a moment

that this is America,

the safest country in the world.

Go to it, Arthur.

Oh, no! Maude!

And I really want to thank you,
Officer Lopez, for finding our furniture.

We're so looking
forward to having it again.

Well, that's what we're
paid for Mrs. Findlay.

But you were so
brave, chasing that van

down the highway
on your motorcycle.

Well, yeah, danger is
our business, ma'am.

Well, our insurance agent
asked me to ask you one question.

Now, when the van
hit the utility pole,

the rear doors flew
open. Is that right?

- That's right.
- Yes, well, what
he wants to know is,

how fast was our sofa
going when it hit you?

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪