Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 3 - Rumpus in the Rumpus Room - full transcript
When Walter shows up at a party with a much younger escort, Maude gets angry and they argue which causes Walter to fall off the wagon and start drinking again.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Vivian, congratulations
on your second anniversary.
I love the way you fixed
up the rumpus room.
Oh, well, thank you, Reverend.
But if you'll excuse
me just a minute,
I was fighting with my husband.
I mean, I was talking
with my husband.
Excuse me.
Arthur, dear. Arthur.
Arthur Harmon, you
are drinking too much.
Enough! Enough! Enough!
Please, not in
front of the guests.
And besides that, how could you?
How could I what?
I mean, how could you be so
stupid as to invite two people
who are getting a
divorce to the same party?
- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi, Charlie.
Oh, humps, Vivian.
I say custard,
mustard, and hump.
- Hi, there.
- Hump yourself.
How could you be so
idiotic as to invite Walter
to our anniversary party
when you knew very
well I've invited Maude.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You twit.
- Twit?
- Yes.
Lovely party, Mrs. Harmon.
Oh.
Oh, your rumpus room
looks ever so festive.
Well, thank you, Mrs. Naugatuck,
and I do appreciate
your coming over
to help us this evening,
but if you'll excuse
me just now,
I'm having a fight with my twit.
He just informed me that
he invited Mr. Findlay
here this evening.
You mean that neither
Mr. Findlay nor Mrs. Findlay
- know the other one's coming?
- Exactly.
Twit.
Mr. Harmon, you
really are a twit.
Oh, poor, Maude.
She's gonna be so embarrassed.
Serves her right.
Hi, there, Doris.
Hi, Doris.
If she hadn't insisted on
running for the State Senate,
against Walter's wishes,
they wouldn't be living apart
at each other's throats.
They'd be together
at each other's throats.
Arthur, she only wants a career.
A chance to grow
and be somebody!
Why does she have to
grow and be somebody?
Why can't she be like you?
The wife of a twit!
That's the funniest punch line
to a story I've heard in years.
"The wife of a twit!"
And besides that,
how do you think
Walter's gonna feel
when he sees Maude
with Senator Myers?
Vivian,
are Maudie and Senator Myers,
you know, uh, as...
As the kids say,
"making out"?
Oh, Arthur, Arthur,
don't be silly, he's a Senator!
Senators don't
do things like that.
He's just advising
Maude with her campaign,
you twit!
Is that Maude?
Either that, or the
foundation's cracking.
Oh, oh, oh, that is hilarious.
What do President
Ford and Henry Kissinger
have in common?
Neither of them speaks English.
Oh, Vivian, Arthur,
- happy, happy anniversary.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Maudie.
Oh, look, "Vote for
Maude." I love that.
Bob, I'd like you to meet
my two dearest friends
in the whole world.
Viv and Dr. Arthur Harmon.
This is Bob Myers,
Senator Bob Myers.
He jogs five miles every day.
Ten on Sunday.
After church, of course.
Isn't that fascinating?
A religious health nut, oh.
- Doctor.
- Senator.
Do you know something,
you're the cutest
Senator I ever met.
Well, thank you, Mrs. Harmon.
Maybe you're right, Arthur,
maybe they do make out.
Hey, Senator, what
are all those funny Xs
on top of your head?
- Oh, I'm glad you asked...
- Oh, Arthur,
those aren't Xs, those are hair.
Those are hair transplants
that the Senator has
had sewn to his scalp.
At great personal pain to him.
For the old charisma, you know.
- Oh.
- As if he needed it.
A man in his physical condition.
Do you know that
he confided in me
that he has never, ever
coughed in his entire life.
Really?
Except, of course, during
his annual physical check-ups.
Hey, Senator, how
much did those transplants
run you in Washington?
I bet those D.C. bandits
charged you $50 a follicle.
Oh, Senator,
pay no attention to
my twitty old husband.
I think your pretend
hair looks very nice.
Pussycat, don't you think
you better watch your drinking?
Yeah, I better.
I just took my eye off it
and it's empty already.
Hey, fuzzy, come
on, I'll buy you one.
All right, I think I'll
have a Republican drink.
How do you make
a Republican drink?
Elect a Democrat.
Oh, that is some man.
Hmm. Ah.
Do you know that he does
200 pushups every night
before he goes to sleep?
I'll bet.
Maude, come here just a minute,
I've got to tell you something.
Reverend McAlister.
Here, pin this on your collar.
Maude, would you stop
campaigning long enough
for me to tell you something.
Ow! My toe!
Oh, Judy, I'm sorry.
How is that toe?
You know, I haven't seen
you since you accidentally
shot yourself at the
gun control seminar.
Hi, Maude.
Maude, Maude, now, now...
Ugh.
- Susan.
- Hi, Susan.
You know, Vivian, Senator
Bob has been mentioned
as a possible dark
horse candidate
for the Democratic
Presidential Nominations.
Really?
Right behind Kennedy,
and Jackson, and Muskie,
and Harris, and Regal.
Oh, for goodness sakes.
And Carter and Humphrey
and Benson and
Wallace and McGovern.
Askew and Sandra
and Brown and McCarthy.
And assemblyman Julius Wynblatt
of Duluth, Minnesota.
But the smart money is
split between Bob and Julius.
Maude, now this is
important, listen, uh, listen,
Arthur invited
Walter here tonight.
Walter?
Walter. Maude, your Walter.
Well, I certainly didn't think
you meant Mrs.
Cronkite's Walter.
Oh, I love him.
- Walter is coming here?
- Yes.
This is really great.
- This is really great, Vivian!
- No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I know how
upset you are, Maude.
But, at least, just think.
When Walter sees that
gorgeous Senator, he will die.
He'll just absolutely die.
Oh, Vivian, do you think
I'm interested in
making Walter jealous?
It's my life we're
talking about, Vivian.
This isn't some 1940 movie.
Hey, Walter Findlay!
You old son of a gun!
Oh, he's here
now. That's Walter.
- Walter. That's Walter.
- Vivian.
Vivian, there is
no need to panic.
I'll simply just get
lost in the crowd.
He probably won't
even notice me.
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Shall we dance?
♪ Da-da-da-da-da ♪
What's up, Maude?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
The man who's
coming in is Walter.
Norman!
- Walter, how are you?
- Norman, how nice to see you.
Norman,
this is Kathy Rivers.
- Hi.
- This is Norman Johnson.
- How are you?
- Nice to meet you.
What a crazy rumpus room.
It looks like the ladies
lounge at Trader Vic's.
Isn't she sensational?
What do you think of him, Bob?
Oh, he's all right.
I think he brought his daughter.
He doesn't have a daughter.
Does he have a niece?
Yes.
I think he brought his niece.
She better be 3 years old.
Oh, good evening, Mr. Findlay.
Mrs. Naugatuck!
Some rum punch for the child.
I'll pass.
Uh, you, Walter?
Oh, I don't drink, Kathy.
I have a problem. I'm
a reformed alcoholic.
That's cool.
I dig men who've
gone through torment.
Isn't that nice?
Mrs. Findlay's been
married to four of those so far.
Vivian, Arthur,
happy anniversary.
Oh, thank you very much.
I want you to meet Kathy.
- Hi, how are you?
- Hi, Kathy, nice to see you.
Isn't she sensational? She's...
That's Maude!
- I told you, I told you.
- Uh, Walter, listen...
Arthur, it's okay.
Kathy,
I want to introduce
you to a great lady.
Hello, Maude.
Walter, I had no idea!
How are you?
Very well, thank you, Walter.
Maude, Walter,
well, look who's not
here with each other.
Maude, this is Kathy Rivers.
Kathy, this is my wife.
Was my wife.
Uh, Kathy Rivers,
Walter Findlay,
this is Senator Bob Myers.
He jogs 20 miles a day.
Walter, Maude tells me
that you're in appliances.
You know, my staff
has been doing a survey
and I'd like your opinion.
Which is the best hairdryer?
You know, Kathy, Walter
and I are separated.
We're living apart.
We're going to have a divorce,
but we're still
very good friends.
Oh, I... I think that's
really wholesome.
It really is.
You know, Walter and I
live in the same building,
but we just met a couple
of hours ago in the elevator.
The elevator?
Yes.
Oh, but, uh, don't worry.
I mean, even though
the vibes are great,
we haven't even
discussed living together.
You haven't even discussed
living with each other
and you've known
each other for a co...
Oh, you must feel
terribly rejected!
Hey, it's really super
the way you're so
upfront with your hostility.
I ca... I can... I can
really get into that,
because I'm... I
believe in total honesty.
You know, I believe
in total honesty, too.
Far out!
Hubba-hubba.
Hubba-hubba?
That's 1945 for far out.
Mrs. Findlay,
since we're really being
honest with each other,
why did you and Walter split up?
Kathy,
if I level with you,
can you handle an
honest, gut-level answer?
Sure.
I came home one night
and found him in
bed with a horse.
Now, while I firmly believe
that it is nobody's business
what two consenting mammals do
in the privacy of
their own bedroom...
Hey, lady,
you've got a lot to learn
about being honest.
Listen, honey, when you're
49 with a facelift behind you,
and a long line
bra in front of you,
then I'll be honest with you.
You two have a nice talk?
Oh, groovy.
Extraordinarily groovy.
Oh, Walter, can
I have your keys?
I left my organic
wine in the car.
Organic wine is all I drink.
Smart.
Maude.
Yes, Walter?
Oh, nothing.
Look, you two must have a
lot to talk to each other about.
Uh, Reverend McAlister.
Senator.
You've been seeing
a lot of the Senator?
Oh, no, look, Walter,
just because the man
jogs 35 miles a day,
it's no one's business but his.
He simply is helping
me out with my campaign.
Oh, he just doesn't
seem your type.
But then politics makes
strange bedfellows.
So does your elevator.
Now, come on, Maude,
there's no reason to be jealous.
Look, I don't want
to start any of this...
Maude.
Walter, I don't want to
go through this again,
- the bitterness.
- Maude.
Just because we meet this
way, you with a mouseketeer.
Maude.
I mean, now you're
insanely jealous
because I'm here with this
terribly attractive Senator
who jogs 50 miles a day.
You're talking about
the American bald
eagle over there?
Look who's talking about hair.
What's wrong with my hair?
I paid 20 bucks
for this hairstyling.
It's called the Napoleon cut.
With that purse you're carrying,
you can pass as Josephine.
Come on now, Walter, stop
making a fool of yourself.
Oh, Maude!
If I wanna wear
my hair this way,
I'll wear it this way.
If I wanna wear
my hair this way,
I'll wear it this way!
If I wanna wear my
hair this way, I will!
Look at this! Twenty
bucks right down the drain.
Don't tell me about humiliation.
- What're you doin' to me,
right here?
- No, I...
Oh, my dear, Mrs.
Naugatuck, why are you crying?
I'm so happy to see
the Findlays together.
112, 113, 114, - Oh!
- 115, 116...
- Oh! Oh!
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Excuse me, Senator.
But, there's a call for
you from New York City.
It's collect. It must
be from the Mayor.
Walter,
what's going on
with you and Kathy?
You know what I mean.
Does she like old geezers?
Come on, Arthur,
she's just a kid.
I feel like a jerk
being with Kathy,
and finding Maude here.
Well, look at the bright side.
You could be here with
Maude and find Kathy here.
It isn't funny, Arthur. I
need Maude desperately.
Hey, Walter.
I'm just holding it.
I'm just holding it!
Oh, what a bummer.
By mistake they sold
me non-organic wine.
I hate non-organic wine,
even though I'm mad
for Cesar Chavez.
Me, too, I love his orchestra.
Wow, I'd like to smoke
what you're drinkin'.
I saw Walter and I
wanted to get close to him,
and then I ended up
doing exactly the opposite.
Maude,
I want to apologize for
upsetting you before.
Would you excuse me, please,
I have to go and
count the stairs.
Walter, what are you
doing with that drink?
What drink?
Oh, nothing,
I'm just holding it.
It makes me feel comfortable.
Maude,
the last thing I wanted to
do tonight was upset you,
because I love
you and I miss you.
Oh, Walter, that's
exactly the way I feel.
Please put that down, Walter.
If we both feel that way
then why are we apart?
Walter, I keep asking
myself that same question.
Why are we apart?
Why are we doing
this to each other?
Why is Walter so unreasonable?
Me?
Oh, Walter, for once in
my life I've been asked
to do something worthwhile,
something important.
And what do you do?
You walk out on me.
I didn't walk out,
Maude, you drove me out.
I drove you out?
Walter, I asked you to
come to Albany with me
if I win this election.
Sure, and what
about my life here?
And how about my life, Walter?
You know, Maude,
I can't go on with this anymore.
I mean, no matter
how hard I try,
it always ends up the same.
There's no sense talking to you.
There's no sense
talking to me, Walter?
There's no sense
talking about us
to save our marriage?
That's right, Walter, go ahead.
Go back to your braless wonder.
But, remember this, Walter,
the bigger they are
the harder they fall.
Viv... Viv,
Viv, how long has Walter
been off the wagon?
Oh, just about as long as it
took him to drain that glass.
Walter, why are you doing this?
Oh, I suddenly
realized I never toasted
to our next State
Senator, Maude Findlay.
- Please let go, Vivian,
I have to help him.
- No.
No, you're too upset. Now,
besides, Arthur's with him.
Please! I could
never face myself
if I didn't at least try, Viv.
Walter, pal, listen,
alcohol is poison to you.
What do you think you're doing?
Arthur...
Maude!
A pertinent piece of poetry.
Candy is dandy,
but liquor is quicker.
Arthur, would you mind?
No, not at all.
- Mr. Findlay.
- Yes, Mrs. Findlay?
Or should I say,
"ex-Mrs. Findlay"?
Or "semi-ex-Mrs. Findlay"?
Walter, what are you doing?
What does it look like?
I'm wetting my whistle.
Would you like me to wet yours?
Walter, let's talk about it.
Oh, go sit in your
seat in the Senate.
Walter, how can I help
you if we don't talk?
You can't.
Hey! That suddenly
makes me feel good.
Telling you there's
something you can't do
because you think
you can do everything.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do, Maude.
Everything, you
know, like run for office,
move to Albany,
live without me,
walk around with a dry whistle.
It hasn't been proven
that I can live without you.
Walter, you
shouldn't be drinking.
When I want advice,
I'll write to my Senator.
And until you're elected,
leave me alone, okay?
Hey, Kathy!
Kathy!
Let's go some place
and play wiffle ball.
Wiffle ball? Hey, that's heavy.
Happy anniversary to
all, and to all a good night.
Hey, I didn't know
you're a wiffle-baller.
Hey, Maudie,
I'm going with... with Walter.
He needs me to take care of him.
Arthur, you're not in
such great shape yourself.
Vivian, I am a medical doctor.
I have an extremely
high tolerance for alcohol.
Oh, Maude, don't worry.
Remember...
Remember God
protects fools and drunks.
Oh, you're really gonna
have your hands full tonight.
♪ How dry I am ♪
♪ Nobody knows ♪
♪ How dry I am ♪
The whole neighborhood knows.
I always thought
those people like music.
Hey, I wonder what
happened to Kathy.
You lost her in a
foot... football game.
But her shoe is
still amongst us.
Oh!
Arthur, where'd you get that?
Kathy let me try it on,
but I forgot to try it off.
I always said you
are a spiffy dresser.
Thanks, pal...
- Hey, Arthur.
- Yeah.
I think this is it.
Is that an 8 or a 3?
That's a 5.
Then this is it.
Oh, Walter,
I really love this bachelor
pad you got here, you know.
Boy, I bet you have
a terrific time up here
with the young chicks, huh?
Do you lure 'em up here
with your tight
hip-huggers flat?
Huh? You turn the
lights down low?
And when you're kissing 'em up,
do they whisper those sweet
youth things in your ear?
Like, uh,
"keep on truckin'."
Hey, Walter...
Oh.
Oh, look, he left
the keys in the lock.
Thank heaven.
That means he
got home all right.
You know, he always
leaves his key in the lock,
even when he's sober.
It's a bad habit, you know,
like some people
crack their knuckles
or clean their
ears with a pencil,
which incidentally,
Walter does, too.
Are you all right?
Look, I'm just going
to take the keys,
drop them off and then make sure
that he's in no trouble
and then we'll go, okay?
You want some help?
If you don't mind, Bob.
Sure.
Oh.
Oh.
He is such a...
I'm sorry, Maude.
Well, uh,
at least when he
took her to bed,
he wanted her to
be as tall as I am.
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Vivian, congratulations
on your second anniversary.
I love the way you fixed
up the rumpus room.
Oh, well, thank you, Reverend.
But if you'll excuse
me just a minute,
I was fighting with my husband.
I mean, I was talking
with my husband.
Excuse me.
Arthur, dear. Arthur.
Arthur Harmon, you
are drinking too much.
Enough! Enough! Enough!
Please, not in
front of the guests.
And besides that, how could you?
How could I what?
I mean, how could you be so
stupid as to invite two people
who are getting a
divorce to the same party?
- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi, Charlie.
Oh, humps, Vivian.
I say custard,
mustard, and hump.
- Hi, there.
- Hump yourself.
How could you be so
idiotic as to invite Walter
to our anniversary party
when you knew very
well I've invited Maude.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You twit.
- Twit?
- Yes.
Lovely party, Mrs. Harmon.
Oh.
Oh, your rumpus room
looks ever so festive.
Well, thank you, Mrs. Naugatuck,
and I do appreciate
your coming over
to help us this evening,
but if you'll excuse
me just now,
I'm having a fight with my twit.
He just informed me that
he invited Mr. Findlay
here this evening.
You mean that neither
Mr. Findlay nor Mrs. Findlay
- know the other one's coming?
- Exactly.
Twit.
Mr. Harmon, you
really are a twit.
Oh, poor, Maude.
She's gonna be so embarrassed.
Serves her right.
Hi, there, Doris.
Hi, Doris.
If she hadn't insisted on
running for the State Senate,
against Walter's wishes,
they wouldn't be living apart
at each other's throats.
They'd be together
at each other's throats.
Arthur, she only wants a career.
A chance to grow
and be somebody!
Why does she have to
grow and be somebody?
Why can't she be like you?
The wife of a twit!
That's the funniest punch line
to a story I've heard in years.
"The wife of a twit!"
And besides that,
how do you think
Walter's gonna feel
when he sees Maude
with Senator Myers?
Vivian,
are Maudie and Senator Myers,
you know, uh, as...
As the kids say,
"making out"?
Oh, Arthur, Arthur,
don't be silly, he's a Senator!
Senators don't
do things like that.
He's just advising
Maude with her campaign,
you twit!
Is that Maude?
Either that, or the
foundation's cracking.
Oh, oh, oh, that is hilarious.
What do President
Ford and Henry Kissinger
have in common?
Neither of them speaks English.
Oh, Vivian, Arthur,
- happy, happy anniversary.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Maudie.
Oh, look, "Vote for
Maude." I love that.
Bob, I'd like you to meet
my two dearest friends
in the whole world.
Viv and Dr. Arthur Harmon.
This is Bob Myers,
Senator Bob Myers.
He jogs five miles every day.
Ten on Sunday.
After church, of course.
Isn't that fascinating?
A religious health nut, oh.
- Doctor.
- Senator.
Do you know something,
you're the cutest
Senator I ever met.
Well, thank you, Mrs. Harmon.
Maybe you're right, Arthur,
maybe they do make out.
Hey, Senator, what
are all those funny Xs
on top of your head?
- Oh, I'm glad you asked...
- Oh, Arthur,
those aren't Xs, those are hair.
Those are hair transplants
that the Senator has
had sewn to his scalp.
At great personal pain to him.
For the old charisma, you know.
- Oh.
- As if he needed it.
A man in his physical condition.
Do you know that
he confided in me
that he has never, ever
coughed in his entire life.
Really?
Except, of course, during
his annual physical check-ups.
Hey, Senator, how
much did those transplants
run you in Washington?
I bet those D.C. bandits
charged you $50 a follicle.
Oh, Senator,
pay no attention to
my twitty old husband.
I think your pretend
hair looks very nice.
Pussycat, don't you think
you better watch your drinking?
Yeah, I better.
I just took my eye off it
and it's empty already.
Hey, fuzzy, come
on, I'll buy you one.
All right, I think I'll
have a Republican drink.
How do you make
a Republican drink?
Elect a Democrat.
Oh, that is some man.
Hmm. Ah.
Do you know that he does
200 pushups every night
before he goes to sleep?
I'll bet.
Maude, come here just a minute,
I've got to tell you something.
Reverend McAlister.
Here, pin this on your collar.
Maude, would you stop
campaigning long enough
for me to tell you something.
Ow! My toe!
Oh, Judy, I'm sorry.
How is that toe?
You know, I haven't seen
you since you accidentally
shot yourself at the
gun control seminar.
Hi, Maude.
Maude, Maude, now, now...
Ugh.
- Susan.
- Hi, Susan.
You know, Vivian, Senator
Bob has been mentioned
as a possible dark
horse candidate
for the Democratic
Presidential Nominations.
Really?
Right behind Kennedy,
and Jackson, and Muskie,
and Harris, and Regal.
Oh, for goodness sakes.
And Carter and Humphrey
and Benson and
Wallace and McGovern.
Askew and Sandra
and Brown and McCarthy.
And assemblyman Julius Wynblatt
of Duluth, Minnesota.
But the smart money is
split between Bob and Julius.
Maude, now this is
important, listen, uh, listen,
Arthur invited
Walter here tonight.
Walter?
Walter. Maude, your Walter.
Well, I certainly didn't think
you meant Mrs.
Cronkite's Walter.
Oh, I love him.
- Walter is coming here?
- Yes.
This is really great.
- This is really great, Vivian!
- No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I know how
upset you are, Maude.
But, at least, just think.
When Walter sees that
gorgeous Senator, he will die.
He'll just absolutely die.
Oh, Vivian, do you think
I'm interested in
making Walter jealous?
It's my life we're
talking about, Vivian.
This isn't some 1940 movie.
Hey, Walter Findlay!
You old son of a gun!
Oh, he's here
now. That's Walter.
- Walter. That's Walter.
- Vivian.
Vivian, there is
no need to panic.
I'll simply just get
lost in the crowd.
He probably won't
even notice me.
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Shall we dance?
♪ Da-da-da-da-da ♪
What's up, Maude?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
The man who's
coming in is Walter.
Norman!
- Walter, how are you?
- Norman, how nice to see you.
Norman,
this is Kathy Rivers.
- Hi.
- This is Norman Johnson.
- How are you?
- Nice to meet you.
What a crazy rumpus room.
It looks like the ladies
lounge at Trader Vic's.
Isn't she sensational?
What do you think of him, Bob?
Oh, he's all right.
I think he brought his daughter.
He doesn't have a daughter.
Does he have a niece?
Yes.
I think he brought his niece.
She better be 3 years old.
Oh, good evening, Mr. Findlay.
Mrs. Naugatuck!
Some rum punch for the child.
I'll pass.
Uh, you, Walter?
Oh, I don't drink, Kathy.
I have a problem. I'm
a reformed alcoholic.
That's cool.
I dig men who've
gone through torment.
Isn't that nice?
Mrs. Findlay's been
married to four of those so far.
Vivian, Arthur,
happy anniversary.
Oh, thank you very much.
I want you to meet Kathy.
- Hi, how are you?
- Hi, Kathy, nice to see you.
Isn't she sensational? She's...
That's Maude!
- I told you, I told you.
- Uh, Walter, listen...
Arthur, it's okay.
Kathy,
I want to introduce
you to a great lady.
Hello, Maude.
Walter, I had no idea!
How are you?
Very well, thank you, Walter.
Maude, Walter,
well, look who's not
here with each other.
Maude, this is Kathy Rivers.
Kathy, this is my wife.
Was my wife.
Uh, Kathy Rivers,
Walter Findlay,
this is Senator Bob Myers.
He jogs 20 miles a day.
Walter, Maude tells me
that you're in appliances.
You know, my staff
has been doing a survey
and I'd like your opinion.
Which is the best hairdryer?
You know, Kathy, Walter
and I are separated.
We're living apart.
We're going to have a divorce,
but we're still
very good friends.
Oh, I... I think that's
really wholesome.
It really is.
You know, Walter and I
live in the same building,
but we just met a couple
of hours ago in the elevator.
The elevator?
Yes.
Oh, but, uh, don't worry.
I mean, even though
the vibes are great,
we haven't even
discussed living together.
You haven't even discussed
living with each other
and you've known
each other for a co...
Oh, you must feel
terribly rejected!
Hey, it's really super
the way you're so
upfront with your hostility.
I ca... I can... I can
really get into that,
because I'm... I
believe in total honesty.
You know, I believe
in total honesty, too.
Far out!
Hubba-hubba.
Hubba-hubba?
That's 1945 for far out.
Mrs. Findlay,
since we're really being
honest with each other,
why did you and Walter split up?
Kathy,
if I level with you,
can you handle an
honest, gut-level answer?
Sure.
I came home one night
and found him in
bed with a horse.
Now, while I firmly believe
that it is nobody's business
what two consenting mammals do
in the privacy of
their own bedroom...
Hey, lady,
you've got a lot to learn
about being honest.
Listen, honey, when you're
49 with a facelift behind you,
and a long line
bra in front of you,
then I'll be honest with you.
You two have a nice talk?
Oh, groovy.
Extraordinarily groovy.
Oh, Walter, can
I have your keys?
I left my organic
wine in the car.
Organic wine is all I drink.
Smart.
Maude.
Yes, Walter?
Oh, nothing.
Look, you two must have a
lot to talk to each other about.
Uh, Reverend McAlister.
Senator.
You've been seeing
a lot of the Senator?
Oh, no, look, Walter,
just because the man
jogs 35 miles a day,
it's no one's business but his.
He simply is helping
me out with my campaign.
Oh, he just doesn't
seem your type.
But then politics makes
strange bedfellows.
So does your elevator.
Now, come on, Maude,
there's no reason to be jealous.
Look, I don't want
to start any of this...
Maude.
Walter, I don't want to
go through this again,
- the bitterness.
- Maude.
Just because we meet this
way, you with a mouseketeer.
Maude.
I mean, now you're
insanely jealous
because I'm here with this
terribly attractive Senator
who jogs 50 miles a day.
You're talking about
the American bald
eagle over there?
Look who's talking about hair.
What's wrong with my hair?
I paid 20 bucks
for this hairstyling.
It's called the Napoleon cut.
With that purse you're carrying,
you can pass as Josephine.
Come on now, Walter, stop
making a fool of yourself.
Oh, Maude!
If I wanna wear
my hair this way,
I'll wear it this way.
If I wanna wear
my hair this way,
I'll wear it this way!
If I wanna wear my
hair this way, I will!
Look at this! Twenty
bucks right down the drain.
Don't tell me about humiliation.
- What're you doin' to me,
right here?
- No, I...
Oh, my dear, Mrs.
Naugatuck, why are you crying?
I'm so happy to see
the Findlays together.
112, 113, 114, - Oh!
- 115, 116...
- Oh! Oh!
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Excuse me, Senator.
But, there's a call for
you from New York City.
It's collect. It must
be from the Mayor.
Walter,
what's going on
with you and Kathy?
You know what I mean.
Does she like old geezers?
Come on, Arthur,
she's just a kid.
I feel like a jerk
being with Kathy,
and finding Maude here.
Well, look at the bright side.
You could be here with
Maude and find Kathy here.
It isn't funny, Arthur. I
need Maude desperately.
Hey, Walter.
I'm just holding it.
I'm just holding it!
Oh, what a bummer.
By mistake they sold
me non-organic wine.
I hate non-organic wine,
even though I'm mad
for Cesar Chavez.
Me, too, I love his orchestra.
Wow, I'd like to smoke
what you're drinkin'.
I saw Walter and I
wanted to get close to him,
and then I ended up
doing exactly the opposite.
Maude,
I want to apologize for
upsetting you before.
Would you excuse me, please,
I have to go and
count the stairs.
Walter, what are you
doing with that drink?
What drink?
Oh, nothing,
I'm just holding it.
It makes me feel comfortable.
Maude,
the last thing I wanted to
do tonight was upset you,
because I love
you and I miss you.
Oh, Walter, that's
exactly the way I feel.
Please put that down, Walter.
If we both feel that way
then why are we apart?
Walter, I keep asking
myself that same question.
Why are we apart?
Why are we doing
this to each other?
Why is Walter so unreasonable?
Me?
Oh, Walter, for once in
my life I've been asked
to do something worthwhile,
something important.
And what do you do?
You walk out on me.
I didn't walk out,
Maude, you drove me out.
I drove you out?
Walter, I asked you to
come to Albany with me
if I win this election.
Sure, and what
about my life here?
And how about my life, Walter?
You know, Maude,
I can't go on with this anymore.
I mean, no matter
how hard I try,
it always ends up the same.
There's no sense talking to you.
There's no sense
talking to me, Walter?
There's no sense
talking about us
to save our marriage?
That's right, Walter, go ahead.
Go back to your braless wonder.
But, remember this, Walter,
the bigger they are
the harder they fall.
Viv... Viv,
Viv, how long has Walter
been off the wagon?
Oh, just about as long as it
took him to drain that glass.
Walter, why are you doing this?
Oh, I suddenly
realized I never toasted
to our next State
Senator, Maude Findlay.
- Please let go, Vivian,
I have to help him.
- No.
No, you're too upset. Now,
besides, Arthur's with him.
Please! I could
never face myself
if I didn't at least try, Viv.
Walter, pal, listen,
alcohol is poison to you.
What do you think you're doing?
Arthur...
Maude!
A pertinent piece of poetry.
Candy is dandy,
but liquor is quicker.
Arthur, would you mind?
No, not at all.
- Mr. Findlay.
- Yes, Mrs. Findlay?
Or should I say,
"ex-Mrs. Findlay"?
Or "semi-ex-Mrs. Findlay"?
Walter, what are you doing?
What does it look like?
I'm wetting my whistle.
Would you like me to wet yours?
Walter, let's talk about it.
Oh, go sit in your
seat in the Senate.
Walter, how can I help
you if we don't talk?
You can't.
Hey! That suddenly
makes me feel good.
Telling you there's
something you can't do
because you think
you can do everything.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do, Maude.
Everything, you
know, like run for office,
move to Albany,
live without me,
walk around with a dry whistle.
It hasn't been proven
that I can live without you.
Walter, you
shouldn't be drinking.
When I want advice,
I'll write to my Senator.
And until you're elected,
leave me alone, okay?
Hey, Kathy!
Kathy!
Let's go some place
and play wiffle ball.
Wiffle ball? Hey, that's heavy.
Happy anniversary to
all, and to all a good night.
Hey, I didn't know
you're a wiffle-baller.
Hey, Maudie,
I'm going with... with Walter.
He needs me to take care of him.
Arthur, you're not in
such great shape yourself.
Vivian, I am a medical doctor.
I have an extremely
high tolerance for alcohol.
Oh, Maude, don't worry.
Remember...
Remember God
protects fools and drunks.
Oh, you're really gonna
have your hands full tonight.
♪ How dry I am ♪
♪ Nobody knows ♪
♪ How dry I am ♪
The whole neighborhood knows.
I always thought
those people like music.
Hey, I wonder what
happened to Kathy.
You lost her in a
foot... football game.
But her shoe is
still amongst us.
Oh!
Arthur, where'd you get that?
Kathy let me try it on,
but I forgot to try it off.
I always said you
are a spiffy dresser.
Thanks, pal...
- Hey, Arthur.
- Yeah.
I think this is it.
Is that an 8 or a 3?
That's a 5.
Then this is it.
Oh, Walter,
I really love this bachelor
pad you got here, you know.
Boy, I bet you have
a terrific time up here
with the young chicks, huh?
Do you lure 'em up here
with your tight
hip-huggers flat?
Huh? You turn the
lights down low?
And when you're kissing 'em up,
do they whisper those sweet
youth things in your ear?
Like, uh,
"keep on truckin'."
Hey, Walter...
Oh.
Oh, look, he left
the keys in the lock.
Thank heaven.
That means he
got home all right.
You know, he always
leaves his key in the lock,
even when he's sober.
It's a bad habit, you know,
like some people
crack their knuckles
or clean their
ears with a pencil,
which incidentally,
Walter does, too.
Are you all right?
Look, I'm just going
to take the keys,
drop them off and then make sure
that he's in no trouble
and then we'll go, okay?
You want some help?
If you don't mind, Bob.
Sure.
Oh.
Oh.
He is such a...
I'm sorry, Maude.
Well, uh,
at least when he
took her to bed,
he wanted her to
be as tall as I am.