Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 22 - Maude's Rejection - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Now Mrs. Naugatuck,
the object is to

come through the ball
with the putter blade square,

keeping your head down and coming
through low like this for a perfect shot.

Uh, anyway, something like that.

Here now, you try it.

Now remember,
keep your head down,



and the putter blade square.

- The blade, Mrs. Naugatuck...
- Please, I don't need anybody to teach me.

You see, that's why
I gave up the game,

too easy.

Mrs. Naugatuck, have you
finished ironing my dress yet?

I've got the iron in
my hand right now!

Here, what's the big
occasion, anyway?

Well, Maude and I were at a
cocktail party the other evening,

and met Grahame D. Elliot.

And so, Maude and Vivian are having lunch
with him today over at Vivian's house.

Grahame D. Elliot?
Never heard of him.

Oh, he's that windbag who's
on all the TV talk shows.

Think he's an author
or a poet or something.

I was reading an
article about him.

Where are my glasses?

♪ Gonna take a
sentimental journey ♪

♪ Gonna set my heart at ease ♪

♪ Gonna take a
sentimental journey... ♪

Maude, have you seen my glasses?

♪ To renew old memories ♪

♪ Got my fare, got
my reservation... ♪

I say, the old girl's on
cloud nine, isn't she?

Oh, she and this big-shot, Elliot
really hit it off the other night.

That's why she's so excited.

♪ ...can't believe my heart
could be so yearning ♪

♪ Why did I decide to roam... ♪

Maude, my glasses?

♪ Gonna take a
sentimental journey... ♪

Maude.

♪ On the desk there
next to the phone. ♪

Oh, Walter, this
is so thrilling.

Maude! Now I know Grahame Elliot
is a big international poet and writer,

but face it, Maude,
he's a windbag.

A windbag? Walter,
the man is a-is a genius!

A genius. I mean, he has
a priceless wit about him.

Oh, and it might
interest you to know

that his latest book, "A Poet's
Glory" is all ready a best-seller.

Never heard of it.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I'd
hardly expect you to.

Don't make me
out a dimwit, ma'am.

I do a lot of reading.

I've read the Bible
from cover to cover.

Oh? Well, tell me,
what are the first words?

The first words
in the Bible are,

"Do not remove from this motel."

I've seen that Bible.

The last words are, "For
a good time, call Alice."

555-2134.

Amen.

Come on now, Mrs. Naugatuck,
haven't you finished with the dress yet?

Please, I'm in a rush.

I don't want to miss one
minute with Grahame Elliot.

Who knows, I might say
something that he'll want to quote

on the "Johnny Carson Show."

Maude, since you and this
Elliot are such great buddies,

why is the lunch over at Vivian's
house instead of over here?

Oh, come on now,
Walter, you'd hardly expect

the professor to
set foot in this house

after that shocking display you
made of yourself the other night.

We were all asked to recite
our favorite lines of poetry,

and that's exactly what I did.

And it was beautiful, Walter.

"There was a young
girl from Nantucket."

"And who's bottom was
shaped like a bucket."

- Though her knees..."
- I know! I know.

Whoo!

- That was a close call.
- What happened?

I just managed to
duck out of the house

as that galoot Elliot was
pulling into the driveway.

You mean he's here? Oh,
Mrs. Naugatuck, please,

what's taking you so
long with my dress?

It's just a simple,
little dress!

It may be simple
but it's not little.

Arthur, you mean you passed up
a chance to talk to the great man?

That pompous ass?

Why, the man's a
bigger bore than I am.

Impossible.

Mrs. Naugatuck, please
just give me the dress.

All right, but I haven't
done a good job with it,

but it's good enough to wear.

Just to have lunch with a poet.

There once was a British cutie,

widely considered a beauty.

But she really made messes,
when pressing my dresses,

because she's a
horse's patootie.

I rather liked that.

"and looked at me and beckoned,
and laughed, and led the way..."

"And with kind
looks and laughter,

and not to say beside,

we too went on together..."

"I and my happy guide!"

Good!

Mrs. Harmon, you're remarkable.

Do you know, there are very few
people who can quote the Shropshire Lad

verse for verse
right along with me.

Actually, it's the only
thing I memorized in college

that I still remember.

That and, "The monkey wrapped
his tail around the flagpole."

I cannot begin to tell you
what a joy it is to be here,

instead of attending some
boring, stuffy, literary luncheon

surrounded by a covey
of cackling females,

which is the one
dishonest thing I do.

To promote my books.

But you...

you're an oasis in a
desert of humanity.

You have a refreshing directness
and honesty about you which is unique.

I do?

Flattery, flattery,
charges my battery.

I just made that up.

Charming. Charming.

I say,

just as I was coming in, I saw
a man leaving by the side door.

He appeared to
be in a great hurry.

- That was my husband.
- Really?

In England, it's usually
the other way around.

Oh, you British.
You're so English.

Well, you see, my
husband's a doctor,

and he got an emergency
call at the hospital.

Oh, I see.

He was going to
have lunch with us.

Oh, what a pity
he can't join us.

No, no, no, Maude
Findlay's coming to lunch!

You remember her?

Maude Find-

Oh, yes! The
Warren's cocktail party?

Yes. That's right.

- A tall, striking person.
- Uh-huh.

- Deep voice?
- Yes.

- Gorgeous grey hair.
- That's Maude.

I can't stand the woman.

Oh, you. Now, you just
made that up, didn't you?

No.

But, my goodness, you only
spent a few minutes with her.

How can you dislike her?

By choice.

Oh, well, you'll
get to like her.

You know, when you get
to know her. You'll see.

And the more you know her, the
more you'll like her. She grows on you.

Like fungus.

No! Oh, no.

Professor, what is it exactly
that you don't like about her?

The woman's assertive, aggressive,
abrasive, and argumentative.

And those are only the A's.

Now, Mrs. Harmon,
dear, sweet Mrs. Harmon,

do be a pet and telephone
her and ask her not to come.

Oh, oh, no. Oh, no, I can't. I can't do
that. You see, she's my very best friend.

I can't call her and tell her not to
come to lunch. I can't, I just can't.

- Why not?
- She'll hit me.

- Well, by all means let her
come and I'll tell her.
- Oh, good.

Oh, no, you mustn't. Oh, no.

Oh, no, that's even worse.

No, I'll... I'll think
of something.

I'll think of some excuse.

I'll just... phone.

But I can't call my best friend on
the phone and lie to her. I just can't!

Well, why don't you

go next door and
lie to her in person?

That's a good idea.

I'll do that.
That's what I'll do.

♪ Lookie, lookie, lookie ♪

♪ Here comes cookie
walking down the stairs. ♪

Thank you, Walter.

What about you, Arthur? I think
this is at least a two-whistle dress.

Oh, sorry, Maudie.

No, make that three.

Maude, you really
look great in that outfit.

You know, Walter, when
I was putting on this dress

I was reminded of that
famous poem by Robert Herrick,

"When in silks,

my Julia goes,
then, then methinks,

how sweetly flows that
liquefaction of her clothes."

Yeah, I know that one, Maude.

"But I like her best at dawn,

'cause then she
don't have nothing on."

Walter, your sense
of poetry is pathetic.

But I like the way
your mind works.

Maudie, why on earth are you getting
all dressed up for Grahame Elliot?

I've seen him on TV talk shows. He's
nothing but a smart-Alek put-down artist.

Oh, come on. Grahame Elliot
does not put people down.

He simply says what he thinks.

I mean, he tells the truth,
whether people like it or not.

People who lie to spare
other people's feelings

are nothing but
simpering cowards.

I'll just come back later.

- Viv!
- Oh, hi, Maude.

Gosh, you look
beautiful. What a shame.

Oh.

Where's the professor?

Who?

Professor Elliot.

Oh. Oh.

He's just over there next
door in that house where I live.

Actually, it isn't my
house. It's Arthur's house

because it used to belong
to his first wife, Agnes,

but then when she died...

Vivian!

Tell me, did he send you
over here to hurry me up?

Well...

Of course he did and
I'm so anxious to see him.

You know I have this brilliant idea to
help him with his television appearances.

- Uh-huh?
- Was he afraid I wasn't coming?

Not exactly.

Um... as a matter of fact,

he had to call the luncheon
off. He can't make it.

But what do you mean, Viv?
He's already at your house.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Well, yes, well, to tell you the truth,
he's... he's... he's... he's... he's...

- He's what?
- He's, he's dead.

Viv! I better go...

Wait! Wait, wait,
wait, Arthur, wait! Wait!

Uh, he's not completely dead.

Vivian, what do you mean,
"He is not completely dead?"

Well... a lot of people
are not completely dead.

Vivian, how dead is he?

He... he slipped and fell on the
stairs, and, uh... and, uh... and, uh,

he's sort of dying. You know?

He's just dying.

Wait, wait, wait.

Vivian, you just
said the man is dying!

Well, he's not quite dying.

So, anyway, the lunch
is off. Goodbye, Maude.

Halt!

Vivian, what are
you talking about?

Oh, Maude, I can't tell you

because you're my very
best friend in the whole world.

Vivian, I want the
truth. Now, out with it!

I can't tell you because
I'm too embarrassed.

And you should be
embarrassed, you little devil,

but you're not going to
get away with it, Vivian.

You cannot keep the
professor all to yourself,

because you know that I'm
the one he really wants to see.

Boy, she's not even warm.

Oh. Oh, Professor Elliot. Professor,
I'm so sorry I kept you waiting.

I cannot tell you how I've been
looking forward to this luncheon.

Mrs. Findlay?

Now please, don't get up.

Professor, I have something I must
tell you. You know, the other day...

I saw you on the
"Mike Douglas Show"

and I... I must tell,
there was one little...

- Vivian!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Vivian, I'm trying to
talk to the professor.

And, as I was watching
you on the show,

I came over with this
fantastic suggestion

for future television shows.

Would you like
to know what it is?

Mrs. Harmon,
whilst I was waiting,

I had a taste of this sauce
for the crab meat. It's delicious.

Oh, really? Oh, I'm
so glad you like it!

I... I... I start out with mayonnaise
with a little dry mustard,

and some freshly ground
black pepper and some olive oil.

Not too much olive oil, so
it shouldn't taste too Italian.

And then just a dash
or so of paprika...

Vivian. May I have a plate?

- What?
- Plate.

Mrs. Findlay, I put
your plate in the pantry.

I had good reason to
believe you wouldn't be here.

I'll get it.

Poor Viv.

You can't believe the crazy
story she tried to tell me.

You know, it bothers her
so terribly that you and I

hit it off so beautifully.

I told her to use
you as an example.

You know, you say what you feel
and let the chips fall where they may,

but I think that's what I
admire most about you,

but, in Vivian's case, you
will hold back, won't you?

I mean, Vivian is so fragile.

- Hi there, Tiger.
- Hi.

So...

you admire my honesty.

Oh! More than anything, I
find your honesty thrilling.

Good.

Then prepare yourself
for the thrill of a lifetime.

Because, quite frankly, Mrs.
Findlay, I cannot stand you.

Now, may we
proceed with our lunch?

I add half a cup of white-wine
vinegar, and a dash of tabasco.

And a quarter cup of chicken
stock, and some tarragon...

Fresh terragon if I
have it in the house,

if I don't, I just
use that stuff...

- Superb.
- But it doesn't have

the pure taste of
the fresh tarragon.

What a pleasure not to eat
chicken alla king, for a change.

Of course, my special secret
is a teaspoon of fresh lime juice.

I speak at five or six
affairs every week,

so, naturally, I've
come to loath fowl.

Mind you though, I said
fresh. Never reconstituted.

Charming. Simply charming.

Anyway...

When I saw you on the
"Mike Douglas Show,"

I suddenly had this brilliant
idea that would help you further.

You know, with more of
your television appearances.

So you can't stand me?

He can't stand me.

I know.

Well, if it will make
it any easier for you,

- Mrs. Findlay...
- Yes? Yes?

Let us merely say that
I do not care for you.

Oh, that's much
better, isn't it Maude?

Well, I...

I see that you
really dislike me.

So...

there's no need for me
to stay, is there? I mean...

Since you really don't
like me, I might as well go.

Viv, the crab meat was superb.

C'est la vie!

Oh, Mrs. Harmon.

Would you be so good
as to pass the radishes?

How the hell can you like
radishes and not like me?

A radish only repeats once.

Oh, I'm sorry, Maude. We
thought that you'd gone.

Well how could I possibly leave when
I just found out that I'm not wanted?

It strikes me as the
perfect time to leave.

How could I possibly walk
out without knowing why a man

I respect... A man
I almost revere...

Doesn't like me? Now tell
me, professor, what is it?

What is it Am I
too tall? Too short?

Too-too fat, too thin?

- Yes.
- I can change!

Mrs. Findlay, why do you find
it so difficult to accept rejection?

I mean, surely you've met other
people who don't care for you?

Oh, of course. Lots of them,

but I was married to them.

I think I'd better stand up
for my friend Maude right now,

and say that she
is very likable,

even if she happens to be
a little loud and domineering,

- and abrasive...
- Stop helping, Vivian!

And jealous.

Come on, Vivian, I do not
have a jealous bone in my body.

Yes, you do, Maude, you're jealous
of my relationship with Professor Elliot.

How dare you call me jealous!

Well, you're obviously jealous. You're
green with jealousy. Absolutely green.

If I'm green, it's because of
this crummy crab meat sauce.

Sorry, Vivian, I didn't
mean that. I love the sauce.

You do? Well, I start out
with mayonnaise and a little...

Who cares? Vivian, who cares!

Mrs. Findlay, why are
you persisting in this?

Look, there are thousands of people
on two continents who dislike me,

and I thrive on it.

So I would have thought that
you would be equally flattered

to add a distinguished and
celebrated man like myself

to the list of people
who cannot stand you.

Look, Professor...

I'll admit it.

You are a rotten human being.

Now, I will give you that,

but I still like you,
I absolutely refuse

to have you reject me.

Why is it that you Americans

have this frightening
need to be loved?

I mean, what is love?

It's like the Italian
government.

It's very nice to have
around, but who needs it?

You know, that's a very
good quote for Mervyn Griffin.

Oh, all right, I'm
sensitive. I'm sensitive,

and I have this terrible
need to be loved by everyone.

It's a hang-up of mine.

Well, I'm sorry I bothered you.

I'm sorry I bothered coming over
here, and I'm sorry that I even mentioned

that little gesture you have on
television that looks foolish. Goodbye.

Gesture? What gesture?

Oh, it's really
nothing important.

No, no, no, no, no.

If it's on television, of course
it's important. What is it?

Well, it's just,

you have a strange way of looking at
your fingernails when you're on television.

What about the way I look at
my fingernails on television?

Oh, it's nothing. It's nothing.
It... I mean, it's just a little gesture

that happens to disturb me, but
possibly nobody else even notices.

No, no, no, no, no.

No. No, if something
about me disturbs you,

I'd like to know what
it is. Now, I insist.

You're not to leave this room
until you tell me what it is.

Well, all right.

It's just that
whenever you're on

these television talk shows,

and you're just getting ready
to make a very important point,

you go like this.

You see, which gives the
impression that you're not interested.

I was simply going to suggest...

Now, just a minute,
I don't do that.

Maude's right. Yes
you do. You do that.

You do it all the
time. You go...

Oh, I see.

You think

because I'm an expert on
poetry, that I'm effeminate!

I never said effeminate!

Well, you said that just because
I look at my fingernails like that...

But I did not say effeminate!
I just said it was distracting.

Why, even my husband does that.

He'll be talking away and
all of a sudden he'll go...

Oh, yes, because your
great big butch husband

looks at his fingernails
like this it's all right!

Oh, come on, now, Professor!
You've got the wrong idea.

No, no, no, no. No.

No, you have got the wrong idea.

I'm just as masculine as anyone.

I played rugby,

and I played it filthy.

Besides, I've been
married three times,

so I couldn't possibly give a
tinker's curse about the way that you...

Please, Professor. Come
on, it's only a gesture.

I mean, it has absolutely
nothing to do with your masculinity.

It's a good thing you didn't
mention the way he crosses his legs.

Vivian!

There's... there's nothing
wrong with a man liking poetry.

Chaucer, Shakespeare.

Robert Frost, Carl Sandburg.

- Oscar Wilde.
- Vivian!

Yes, so, you see
there's nothing...

Oscar Wilde?!

Professor, there, there, Vivian did
not mean that the way it sounded.

Why is it always the same?

Even when I was a little boy.

The other little boys
made fun of me because

I liked rhymes.

Professor, that
was their problem.

You know, it takes a real
man to appreciate beauty.

Yes and then when
I was at Oxford,

those fellows on the rugby team,

they were exactly the same.

Oh, what did they know?

Actually, I was the only one of
the bloody team who was straight.

So you mustn't think that of me.

I don't. I don't.

Why do you English have this

frightening need to be loved?

That's not the point.

I was the real
man, don't you see?

Of course you were
and you still are.

Professor, don't you realize

that we have
something in common?

Neither one of us
wants to be rejected.

Mrs. Findlay,

I would like to thank you

very, very much.

You were extremely
understanding just now.

It was very, very
kind of you to say that.

Oh!

Well, thank goodness
this is all settled.

Now, come on and
let's eat our lunch.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, by all means!

Lovely.

Do you know, I was so busy
copying down that recipe...

- Oh, thank you.
- I didn't eat a thing.

I'm absolutely famished.

Oh, so am I! You know,
I barely touched the crab.

Oh, isn't this delightful?

Yes!

- It's a great pity, really.
- What?

Well, I still can't stand you.

Starts out with mayonnaise,
and then a dash of mustard.

Then olive oil. A touch of
ground black pepper, a...

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude. ♪