Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 2 - Consenting Adults - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Come on, Maudie.

Walter's apartment's right
around the corner here.

Come on, now, Maudie.

Come on..

Come on!

Maude, I know it's been 10 days
since Walter walked out on you,



but don't be nervous.

Vivian, how can
I not be nervous?

I'm not going to a taffy pull.

Oh, how can I face him?

I think it's high time

you face this problem
head-on like an adult.

The Maude Findlay I
know is not chicken.

No. On the way home,

just don't walk me
passed Colonel Sanders.

Oh, Vivian, I
can't, I... I can't!

I can't, I mean, I...

I... I couldn't stand
it if Walter thought

that I came over
here to humble myself

and beg him to come home.

Then why on earth did you come?

To humble myself and
beg him to come home.

Right.

Well, it's up to you to
make the first move, Maudie.

After all, Walter warned you

that he'd walk out if
you accepted that bid

to run for the State Senate.

Arthur!

Arthur Quincy Harmon.

Maude has spent all her 49 years
being a housewife and mother.

- Right, Maude?
- Right, Viv.

And although
she's loved doing it,

now she has the chance to
reach for a new challenge, Arthur,

to stretch herself,

to test her abilities
for the very first time,

to run for the State Senate.

And this may be her
very last chance, Arthur.

When you're as old as Maude...

Time!

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

All right, now, come on, Maude,
for the sake of your marriage,

- you've got to face Walter.
- Oh, but Vivian, I can't.

But you promised
me as your best friend,

that you would
come to this place

and ring that doorbell,
and say to Walter,

"I love you, please
accept me the way I am."

- Oh, but Vivian, I...
- That's what you promised me,

that you would say, "I love you,

please accept me the way I am."

Now, Maude, come on.

Ring that doorbell.

You do not break a
promise to your best friend.

Ah!

You're right, Vivian.

I love you, please
accept me the way I am.

You ain't young enough,
you ain't short enough,

and you ain't dark enough.

Well, "It's better to
have loved and lost

than never to
have loved at all."

Vivian, that's the
wrong apartment.

Oh, all right, all right.

Now, Maude, I
know you're nervous,

but just think about
how miserable

you've been without Walter
and how much you miss him.

Sure, think how
miserable Walter must be,

having to live in one
of these swinging,

singles apartments.

I've just been reading
in a medical journal

what happens to husbands
from broken homes

that wind up in
places like this.

They deteriorate physically.

They degenerate mentally.

And they crumble emotionally.

After one heck of a first year.

Come on, Arthur,
this is Boys' Town

for middle aged boys.

And the highlight of their day

is watching the waitress
in the coffee shop

bend over to scoop ice cream.

I haven't seen any
swingin' chicks here.

He likes my backhand.

He's a doll!

Hi, fellas.

Uh, just visiting, girls?

Oh, no, I live right there,
next to Wally Findlay.

Wally?

Oh, are you here
to see Wally Baby?

Oh, oh, Wally Baby!

Yes, as a matter
of fact, I'm his wife.

But that shouldn't bother you

and even if you do know
Wally Baby that well,

I certainly wouldn't want
you to feel, you know,

embarrassed or shy
or cheap or whatever.

Okay, well, will you
just tell him that Jenny

has the tennis court
reserved for 8:00 sharp

and not to be late?

How quickly one forgets
how firm thighs can really be?

All right, now,
Maude, come on, now.

- Come on, ring that doorbell.
- Oh, no.

- Ring the bell, Maude.
- But, but you won't leave me.

- No, promise.
- Maude,

we will stick by you
through thick and thin.

Through thick and thin.

Well, as long as you
two are hitting it off...

- Bye!
- Bye!

Arthur! Vivian!

Thick just left with Thin.

Come in.

Come in.

Tasteful.

How are you, Maude?

Oh, very well, Walter, and you?

I'm managing.

How's Carol and Philip?

Oh, fine, just fine.

And Mrs. Naugatuck?

Oh, couldn't be better.

Did I forget anyone?

The, um,

dry cleaner's bursitis
is acting up again,

and the, uh,

meter reader has pinkeye.

I was reading about you
in the Tuckahoe Tribune.

They say you're picking
up a lot of support

for the Democratic Primary.

Yes, it's true, Walter,
you just wouldn't believe

the receptivity
I've been getting.

I mean, people I don't even know

keep coming up to
me and telling me

that they are behind me 100%,

that they're so happy to be...

Why do I keep
expecting Omar Sharif

to come out of the bathroom?

The place came furnished.

From where, The House of Porn?

Maude, why are you here?

Ugh, Walter, frankly, I
was worried about you.

Walter, I want you to
know that I understand you.

I understand that,

well, it can be very upsetting

to think about
uprooting your life

and moving to Albany
if I win this election.

And I understand that
this is the first chance

you've ever had to
really prove yourself.

I understand that.

Which is something that
you don't seem to understand.

That I understand.

But, Walter, I do
understand you.

I understand,
Walter, that you...

You're threatened
by the prospect

of having a wife who
does her own thing.

- Maude, that's not true...
- No, a wife,

who is an individual, Walter.

Maude,

sit down.

You know, you're
like a little girl

who wants two things

when she knows she
could only have one.

You can't have a
marriage in Tuckahoe

and a political career in Albany

at the same time.

Walter, I have been a wife
and I have been a mother,

and I treasure
every moment of it.

But, Walter, I... I
can't control the feeling

that life holds
something more for me.

That I can be something more.

You know, Walter, when
you study any language,

the first verb you learn
to conjugate is, "to be."

Well, not me, Maude.

The first thing I
learned in French was,

"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"

In Spanish I learned,
"Me casa es su casa."

Oh, you're infuriating,
you're infuriating.

Walter, don't you...
don't you realize

I came over here to see you?

I came over here
to talk to you, Walter.

Oh, Maude.

I'm sorry.

I love ya for coming over.

I mean, I missed you, I
missed you very much.

Oh, Walter. Oh, darling,

you don't know how I
needed to hear you say that.

Oh, Walter!

Walter, "Voulez-vous?"

"Oui, monsieur."

"Oui, monsieur?"

That was the second
thing I learned.

Oh, Walter, I can't tell
you what it's been like.

I mean, waking up at night,

in the middle of the night,

just longing for the
touch of your skin,

sound of your voice, Walter,

the smell of your Absorbine Jr.

Oh, Walter, Walter, Walter.

Maude,

let's never spend a night
away from each other again.

Never, Walter,
never, never again.

Oh, darling, I need you so.

And you know, Walter?

You do understand me.

I know you do understand.

Of course, I do, sweetheart.

You're a real woman, Maude.

Ah, thank you, Walter.

And a real woman
belongs with her man.

Making a home for him.

Not in politics.

That's a man's game.

Yup. Walter, there's another
famous French expression.

"Bon voyage!"

But Maude... What's the use?

It'll never work.

It'll never work, Maude.

Why don't we stop
kidding ourselves?

I mean, we both know
where we're going.

What're you talking
about, Walter?

Maude, you're committed.

You have to do
what you have to do.

But I can't bear
a part-time wife.

I'm talking about...

I'm talking about divorce.

Divorce?

We don't have any other choice.

Walter, how can you
love me and talk divorce?

It's because I love you,
the divorce is for you!

I'd rather have a Mix Master.

Maude, if we live
the way you wanted,

I might end up hating you.

And that would make you hate me.

And I don't want you to hate
me. That's how much I love you.

Look, Walter, hate me,

and we'll keep the
marriage together,

like everybody else.

Oh, come on, Walter,
this is ridiculous!

This is... This is stupid!

- I mean, it's so unnecessary!
- Maude.

There's no other way.

All right, Walter.

Okay, okay, okay.

But I'm telling you
right now, Walter,

I am not going to cry and
break down in hysterics.

I will never go through
another divorce like that again.

I will not let you do to me
what Chester did to me,

or Albert did to me, or Barney.

Barney died.

I know. He was the only husband

who knew how to
end a relationship.

Listen to me, Walter,
if you're determined

to go through with
this... final separation,

I cannot say that
other word, then...

Let's be sensible
about it, Walter.

No tears, no anger.

You're right.

That's the only
way to handle it.

We were simply facing
a situation, Walter,

that neither of us
can do anything about.

Nobody's right and
nobody's wrong.

Dammit, Maude.

Oh ho ho!

Look at the two lovebirds!

You see, Vivian, you see that?

I told you this'd work.

Maude, Walter, I am
very proud to be the person

that brought you
back together again.

Arthur, we're getting a divorce.

They're lying, I
brought them together.

Oh, and you're great
little kidders, you two.

Arthur, she means it.
We're getting a divorce.

Oh! You and your big ideas!

- That's all your fault,
you big goofball!
- Vivian!

- Vivian, how dare
you call me a goofball!
- You are responsible for this!

Maude, why are you crying?

They remind me of
how happy we were

when we were married.

Oh, Maude, look,

here's that picture
of you and Walter

at the Appliance
Convention in Cleveland.

Oh, it's so sad!

Viv.

This photo album

represents my
entire life with Walter.

Vivian, there's
nothing to cry about.

The divorce won't
be final for a year.

All we're doing tonight
is just working out

the property settlement
with the lawyers.

And who knows, Viv,
Walter and I may...

You know, all New
York State says

is no co-habitation for a year.

Co-habitation?

Whoopee.

For a whole year?

Oh, oh!

You're right, Vivian,
hand me a Kleenex.

- Oh!
- Oh.

But you know you
don't want this divorce.

Oh, oh, of course not,
Vivian, but Walter does.

And I've decided that

we're gonna treat
this final separation

as sensibly as possible.

No bitterness, no rancor.

This isn't gonna be
easy for me, John,

but it must be worse for Maude.

And I don't want her to feel
any worse than she already does.

Ha ha! Maude!

Walter!

- Darling!
- Sweetheart.

You look sensational!

Well, so do you, flatterer.

"You charm the husk
right off of the corn,

Mame!"

- John, darling!
- Maude.

Come in, "Me casa es su casa."

Aah!

That's my next door neighbor.

We were watching a
Charlie Brown special and...

in the end Snoopy
dies of terminal hairball.

Come in, John, come in.

Listen, Maude.

You know, this is a
very bad scene for me.

Why, I've been
your family attorney

ever since you two were...

gosh darn, you were married.

Oh, John.

Well, it's, I feel awkward

representing
Walter in a divorce,

when I'm so close to you, too.

Why, you old Silly Billy!

Walter and I intend
to make things

just as easy as we can for you.

"We'll make the
cotton easy to pick,

Mame!"

Oh, this is gonna
be so much fun!

You know, you're beautiful.

Aww.

I mean, you are
two beautiful people.

- Oh.
- Aww.

Oh, Walter, you know
what I came across today

while I was sorting out
some of your clothes?

Walter, look.

Our old photograph
album, Walter.

- Huh?
- Oh, oh, oh.

- Huh? Huh?
- Oh, oh.

Huh?

Huh?

Oh.

- Huh?
- Oh.

- Ah!
- Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Walter,

my most favorite
snapshot in the world,

the two of us at The Copacabana.

January 16, 1968.

- You remember?
- You kidding?

Pink champagne, you
in that low-cut gown.

Sandler and Young
singing Make Love To Me.

Sandler and Young.

♪ Take me in your arms ♪

♪ And never let me go ♪

♪ Whisper... ♪

You know, I never thought
I could get so stirred up,

watching two men
sing to each other.

I don't think we were
ever more in love

than we were that night, Maude.

Hey, for a couple who
are getting a divorce,

you two are really something.

Aww.

Oh, that's probably my lawyer.

Walter, I hope you don't mind,

I got Mason Everhardt.

He handles all my divorces.

Mason!

Maude, long time no see!

I know, this one's lasted
almost seven years.

Well, don't worry, Maude,

some day, you'll
find the right man.

Oh, I already did
find the right man.

Aww.

Oh, yes. Hello, Walter.

And this is Walter's
attorney, John Vogelson.

- Counselor.
- Hi, Counselor.

Uh, Walter, is that your
Mercedes, out there?

No.

That, uh, happens to be mine.

Oh, well,

I may have squeezed
you in a little tight there

with my Rolls Royce.

We'll be all right, Maude.

Now, Counselor.

Shall we get on
with it, Counselor?

Fine.

Just keep in mind, this
is gonna be sensible.

- Right, Maude?
- Right!

- Right!
- Right!

- Right!
- Right!

That's why I insisted
that we do it here

instead of in some
stuffy, old office.

Now, here's a list
of my client's assets

before this marriage.

I assume you've
advised your client

that he's not entitled
to any of these.

Oh, come on, Mason,
let's not worry about that.

Walter can have
anything he wants.

M... Possessions are
meaningless to me.

I mean, you think
I'm gonna quibble

over a set of Tupperware
or a Pewter Revere Bowl?

Where's my sideboard?

- I can't find my sideboard.
- Maude, honey, relax!

I can't find my side...

Walter, you know,
it's, it's 19th century!

A collector's item.

It's the first one J.C.
Penny ever put out!

Maude, please, it's yours.
I don't want anything.

Oh, oh, Walter, Walter,
you're being so strong.

No, Walter, please
have anything you want.

- Maude, I don't want anything.
- Walter, I insist.

Well, if you insist,

maybe a few little
items for my apartment.

Your apartment?

You know, like the
crystal wine glasses

and the... Burt
Bacharach albums,

the Japanese art books.

Fancy glasses, romantic
records and dirty books.

That's what you want for
that rabbit hutch of yours?

Wally Baby?

What do you mean "rabbit hutch"?

Oh, come on, Walter.

It's hardly a Christian
Science reading room.

Oh, let's just get this
whole thing over with.

The sooner, the better!

Yes, well, moving right along.

Oh, yes, um, well, now, uh,

here is a list of my
client's current assets.

Mm-hmm, 75% interest

in Findlay's Friendly
Appliances Incorporated.

One 1974 Buick Special.

Savings account at
City Savings & Loan.

- Forty shares of...
- City Savings & Loan?

We don't have an account there.

Well, I do, uh,

just a small one.

You have a bank account
that I don't know about?

I guess I forgot to
mention it, that's all.

It's nothing, Maude,
uh, playing money

for poker, little
gifts for you...

Just how much money
is in this play account?

Frankly, I don't even remember.

$8,000.

You have squirreled away $8,000?

Well, don't just sit there.

You're my lawyer. Do
something legal to him.

Oh, I'm... I'm doing it.

Maude, why are you
making such a big fuss

over a measly few
thousand dollars?

What about the
money you saved up

from your real estate job?

Did I do any snooping
around, trying to find out

- how much you had?
- Oh, Walter.

I never tried to keep
that a secret, $1500.

Two thousand, four
hundred, thirty sev...

You never really know a
man until you divorce him.

All right, Maude, take it all.

My record collection,
my dirty books,

everything I treasure.

I'm gettin' outta here.

Hold it!

Where do you think
you're going with my album?

- Your album? It's my album!
- It is my album!

This album is all
that is left of us.

I'm taking it and
walking outta here.

You do that, and
you'll be walking

with a decided limp, Walter.

Walter, this is my
album, I love this album!

And so do I love...

Now, folks, please,

please don't fight
over a few memories.

Deal in hard cash.

Oh, shut up, Everhardt.

What kind of drugstore
lawyer are you, anyway?

You should've done all
this in your stuffy, old office.

Maude, please!

As Shakespeare said, "When
anger comes in the door,

reason flies out the window."

Yeah, Shakespeare also
said, "Kill the lawyers."

And as for you,
Mr. Swiss Bank Account,

I had hopes that these clothes
would never leave this house,

but now I can't wait to get
them and you out of here.

What do you say, we
resume Monday, at my office?

Oh, yes, fine.

10 o'clock be all right?

Yes, that sounds fine.

You know, I think we've made
some progress, don't you?

Oh, definitely,
it's a good start.

Oh, Maude, Walter,
now it's all right.

Everything will be okay.

Yes, John and I may
have our differences,

but we'll work things out.

What kinda mileage
do you get on that Rolls?

Ten-to-one, Will Rogers
never met a lawyer.

Don't blame them,
Maude, it's you!

- Me?
- Yeah.

You loused up what
could've been a fun evening!

That's right, Walter, blame me.

If I'd known you were
gonna be this ugly in divorce,

I never would've married
you in the first place.

And get your hands off my album!

You want these dumb
pictures that much?

No, I hate them, I loathe
them, I despise them,

and the minute you
leave, I intend to burn them,

but I'll be damned if
I let you have them.

I wouldn't take any of
those stupid pictures

if you begged me!

Just gimme the
one from The Copa.

I wanna remember what our life
looked like when we were happy!

We were never
happy, Walter, never!

For your information, Walter,

I was not smiling at you
in this picture, Walter.

I was laughing at
Sandler and Young!

Ha ha ha ha!

- All right, Maude! All right!
- ♪ Take me in your arms
and never... ♪

Ha ha ha ha!

Save these for
your next husband.

Here!

Do you know what you are?

Walter, do you
know what you are?

Walter, do you
know what you are?

Go, sit on a snow
cone, that's what you are!

♪ Take me in your
arms and never... ♪