Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 18 - Maude's Mood: Part 2 - full transcript
Maude becomes obsessed with getting Henry Fonda elected president. Shocked by her behavior, Walter and Carol question her mental stability and later learn that she is manic depressive.
Last week on Maude...
Our official campaign poster.
HFP.
Henry Fonda For President.
Doctor,
the reason we're so
worried about my mother is,
she's gone all of this
trouble and all this expense,
she hasn't even
talked to Mr. Fonda, yet.
Well, it usually
happens sooner or later
to someone who might
be a manic-depressive.
- Manic-depressive?
- A manic-depressive?
You know, all of us at some
time or other in our lives
have emotional highs
and lows, you know and...
Uncontrolled,
the higher this gets,
the lower this can get.
And both emotional extremes,
well, they can be dangerous.
And because I am so sure
that you could do anything
you set your mind to,
if you do succeed in
getting me nominated,
I will not run.
Oh, it's all my fault.
I had the opportunity.
I missed it.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
This is basically
what you could call a
grassroots campaign.
Bloody slogs, reporters.
Bloody slogs!
Here's another
1000 HFP envelopes.
I just don't understand this.
It was just night before
last that Henry Fonda
stood in that exact spot
and said he wouldn't
run for President.
Then Maudie gets so depressed,
she has to go upstairs
to bed for two days
and the whole thing
starts all over again.
I know, isn't it exciting?
No, it's not
exciting. It's sick.
I know about these
things. I'm a doctor.
Wait till Walter
sees this chaos.
Oh, fried fritters, Arthur.
I'll get it.
Fonda for President
headquarters.
Who is it?
Barbara Walt...?
Barbara Walt...!
You mean, Barbara Walters of
the Today Show, Barbara Walters?
Oh! Well, excuse me,
just a minute, Ms. Walters.
Here, hold this.
- What's the matter?
- Good heavens.
That's Barbara
Walters, and I'm a mess.
Hello.
Oh, yes, I know, Ms. Walters.
Oh, you wanna
talk to Mrs. Findlay.
Well, she is, um,
she is... She is
resting just now.
No! No! Don't call us.
We'll call you!
I just hung up on
Barbara Walters!
Arthur, look, I just hung
up on Barbara Walters.
And you know, this morning
I hung up on Walter Cronkite.
Not actually Walter Cronkite.
It was this other man, I
think his name was Mudd.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Excuse me.
You got a press pass to get in?
Press pass?
No pass, you
can't get in. Orders.
What the hell are
you talkin' about?
Don't hassle me, mac.
I'm only doin' this job
part-time as a favor.
My full-time job is different.
Look, I don't care who you are.
I don't care about your orders.
And I don't care whatever it
is you do when you're not here.
I'm an organizer for
the Teamsters Union.
I care.
Uh, Tony,
when Walter Cronkite gets
here, be sure you let him in.
- Gotcha.
- Vivian!
Oh, hi, Walter.
Where do ya think you're goin'?
Didn't you hear
her call me Walter?
- Yeah.
- I'm Walter Cronkite.
Oh.
And that's the way it is.
CBS News or no CBS News,
we bloody well don't talk
to no flipping second stringers.
Who is Eric Sevareid?
Carol, what is going on?
Insanity.
Oh, Walter, ask Gus
Lambino. I've given up.
Gus, Gus!
Oh! Excuse me a minute, fellas.
- Hi, Mr. Findlay.
- What the hell are you up to?
My job.
When Mrs. Findlay
took me outta my taxi
and made me press
secretary, I promi...
Look who I got here.
Time Magazine,
News Week, the Washington
Post, The Wall Street Journal.
And the biggest of 'em all,
Butch Hacker from
The National Enquirer.
Carol, does Maude
know anything about this?
No. She's been so depressed,
she's been upstairs in
her bed sleeping all day.
Well, how did this happen?
I mean, who'd be dumb
enough to say anything
to all these newspapers
about Henry Fonda?
Certainly none of us.
Listen to this, Walter.
From the New York Times.
"The meeting between
Mr. Fonda and Mrs. Findlay
"was confirmed by
an unidentified source
"who said,
"'it's true that Mr. Fonda
bloody well came
to the flippin' house'".
Sounds like a Russian spy to me.
Well, Carol, I don't care
if Maude is depressed.
I'm goin' upstairs
and talk to her.
- Well, I better come with you.
- Excuse me, will you?
Maude, I know you're depressed
and that this isn't the time
- to bring this up.
- Walter.
Mother, how're you feeling?
Walter.
Walter, come here, Walter.
Of course, Maude,
I'm here. I'm Here.
Oh, Walter, I've
been waiting for you.
I have to talk to you.
I'm here, Maude,
talk to me, talk to me.
Walter.
Yes, Maude.
I wanna tell you a joke.
A joke?
This man walks into a restaurant
and he orders a lobster.
When the waiter
brings him the lobster
he brings one that
only has one claw.
Have you heard this, Walter?
So the man says, "What
happened to the other claw?"
And the waiter says,
"Oh, he got in a fight
with another lobster
and he lost it."
So the man says, "Well,
take it back and
bring me the winner!"
Oh, oh.
Oh, my father told me that joke
when I was five years old.
Right before he
came to the punch line,
I blurted it out ahead of him.
He was crushed.
You never did
that to your father,
did you, Walter?
Maude, I know you're upset,
but something's gotta be done.
The house is full of reporters.
The phone is
ringin' off the hook.
- It's a madhouse.
- Reporters?
How can you talk about reporters
when I ruined my
father's lobster joke?
Maude, word got out
that Henry Fonda was here
and they think he's
running for President.
- Walter, not now.
- When?
I mean, the whole world's
going crazy, Maude!
Even Barbara Walters called.
Maude,
Henry Fonda is not running!
You're standing there
calling Barbara Walters a liar?
- Maude, Henry Fonda...
- What does Henry Fonda know?
He's an actor.
Oh, Walter.
Oh, this is wonderful.
Oh, this is really wonderful.
It's beginning to snowball.
Walter, what did I tell you?
"Henry Fonda For President."
I mean, we'll get every single
woman's vote in the country.
I just had a brilliant idea!
For the men,
for Vice President,
we'll run Jane.
- There's Mrs. Findlay now.
- Jim, come on, let's go.
Mrs. Findlay! When's Mr. Fonda
- gonna be in town again?
- Gentlemen, gentlemen,
gentlemen, gentlemen,
these are the facts.
Now I know there've been a
great many rumors flying around
but the truth is,
according to Barbara Walters,
Henry Fonda wants to be
President so bad, he can taste it!
- Maude, how can you say that?
- - Oh, Mother!
No, no more questions.
No more questions.
I really have
nothing more to say.
Oh, except for this.
A little human interest.
I sleep in the raw.
Boys, thank you,
that's it for today.
Thank you very much,
fellas. We'll talk tomorrow.
Maude.
Maude, you know that
Henry Fonda is not running.
How could you say
what you just said?
It's not true!
Mrs. Findlay, Mrs. Findlay,
turn on the 5 o'clock news.
They're interviewing Henry
Fonda at the Kennedy Airport.
Thank God. We can put an
end to this once and for all.
You're blowing this thing
way out of proportion.
- But Mr. Fonda, you said...
- What do I know, I'm an actor?
You're blowing this thing
way out of proportion.
Are you denying that you
appeared before a group
of your supporters in
Tuckahoe, New York?
No, but...
Then you are declaring
yourself a candidate?
- No!
- Then you're an undeclared
candidate?
No, I didn't tell them I
was running for President.
They told me.
Then you admit you are
running for President?
I didn't say that.
Are you willing to settle
for the Vice Presidency?
No, absolutely not.
Then it's the
Presidency or nothing?
- Yes.
- Oh!
No, wait! I didn't...
Well, as you have just
seen for yourselves,
Mr. Henry Fonda,
with the denial,
not unlike that of Senator Ted
Kennedy and Hubert Humphrey
unofficially throwing
his hat into the ring.
Ha-ha!
I mean, look at the political
savvy he's picked up already.
"I will not run."
Maude. I wanna speak
to you in the kitchen.
Oh, certainly, darling. Oh,
Walter, this is going to be
the most exciting campaign
in the history of this country.
- I want you to see Dr. Lester.
- Now, look, Walter,
I am tired of your constantly
referring to my enthusiasm
- as manic depression.
- Damn it, Maude,
you got a problem. Admit it!
And if you got a problem, go
to a person who can help you
with that problem.
If it takes a psychiatrist,
go see a psychiatrist.
If it takes a doctor,
go see a doctor.
For crying out loud, if it
takes a television repairman,
go see a television repairman!
Walter, are you
trying to tell me
there's something wrong
with my horizontal tubes?
Maude, your problem
is my problem.
- I'll see Dr. Lester with you.
- Walter,
who sees the psychological
problem in this situation?
- You or me?
- I do!
-Okay, you see the
psychological problem,
you see the psychiatrist.
Maybe he can explain
this fantasy of yours
that I need a
television repairman.
All right, Maude.
Forget it!
Brilliantly dramatic
performance, Walter.
But you forgot to say one thing.
"Frankly, Scarlet,
I don't give a damn."
You're in the wrong
movie, Maude.
But if you ever want any help,
all you have to do is whistle.
"And, you know how to whistle.
Just pucker up and blow."
Carol, Viv,
Mrs. Naugatuck, Arthur, I'm...
I'm worried.
For the first time in my life,
I think I'm very frightened.
I know, Mother.
Maude, we all understand.
It'll work out, ma'am.
Maudie, it's facing the problem
that's the important thing.
Oh, you're all so right,
and I'm so glad
you recognize it, too.
And Walter needs
help, he's sick.
Let's move it, huh,
- she'll be down in a minute.
- Oh, no!
This is worse than yesterday.
Oh, wow, now it's television.
Every time I turn my back,
this place turns
into a madhouse.
Relax, mac.
You're about to
be visited by the girl
all America likes
to wake up with.
Linda Lovelace is coming here?
I'm talking about
Barbara Walters.
But I like your taste.
Now look, only authorized
personnel allowed in here.
Now be a nice guy.
Hey, you, Cronkite.
Out in the kitchen.
"And that's the way it is."
I can't believe this.
Where's Maude?
She's upstairs getting
dressed for her interview.
It's like being in prison.
Well, the men in the living
room don't want us in there
while mother is doing her
interview with Barbara Walters.
Why? When Betty
Ford gets interviewed
do they lock Jerry
in the kitchen?
That's it! That's it!
That's how she got
away with all that dirty talk
about sex and marijuana.
They had Jerry
locked in the kitchen.
I'm so worried about
Maude. I'm a nervous wreck.
And on top of everything else,
she spent over $2500
on this dumb campaign.
You mean $3,000.
She bought herself a
new outfit for the interview.
How can one outfit cost $500?
It came with a hat.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, you gotta help me
get upstairs to see Maude.
Those TV people
won't let me through,
and I know I can help her.
Listen, I stayed up all night
reading this
wonderful medical book
and I know all about
manic depression.
Vivian, kindly remember
who the doctor is here.
Oh! Oh, Arthur, I'm sorry.
Well, I only read one book.
I don't know half as much
about medicine as you do.
I accept your apology.
Anyway, I have such
encouragement for Maude.
Did you know they used
to put people in asylums
before they found out
that most manic depression
is caused by a chemical
imbalance in the brain?
You see, Maude
isn't just depressed.
She's a manic-depressive,
and that's different,
because that can be
controlled biochemically.
Did you know that? Did you?
Vivian, he should be hearing
this from a qualified physician.
Arthur, we don't have time
to find a qualified physician.
Anyway,
Walter, I stayed up all night
reading this wonderful book
called "From Sad to Glad"
and it fits Maude's
case exactly.
Her violent swings
from high to low and...
And how she spends
money like water,
and how she's so unpredictable
like... like like suddenly
getting romantic
right in the middle
of an argument.
She told me that last week
you and she were driving along
and you having a
terrible argument
and... and she said
right in the middle of it
you came to Albany Avenue
and... And you stopped for a red light.
And she said before
the light turned green...
Oh, hell.
Wh-wh... why am I
telling you all this?
You were the one
who was trying to drive.
Anyway, I stayed up all
night because I love Maude
and because I know
if she doesn't get help,
it... it can get worse and...
And I wanna help her right now
'cause she is my best
friend in the whole world.
So, I wanna help
her right this minute.
Yeah.
Okay, we're all set up.
Ms. Walters is on her
way for the interview.
Her production person,
Fay Dunlap, is coming
down to set things up.
♪ The most beautiful
girl in the world ♪
Alice Cooper,
eat your heart out.
Oh, Mrs. Findlay,
you look, you look,
- you look...
- Stunning, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Thank you. I was going
to say overdressed.
We'll be ready to go in
a minute, Mrs. Findlay.
Oh, and you are?
I'm nobody, just a member
of the television crew, ma'am.
Now, please, never
say you are nobody.
Nobody is a nobody.
You are a worker and
workers are the backbone
of this country and you
deserve our respect and our love,
because without
you we are nothing.
Lady, that's beautiful.
Take your grimy hands
off my $500 dress.
Are we ready? Time
wasted is money lost.
Yes, ma'am, all set.
- Mrs. Findlay?
- Yes.
Now let's see.
Uh, please sit here.
Is that what you're wearing?
Oh-oh, now don't be nervous.
Uh, just a moment,
just a moment.
I understood that I was to be
interviewed by Barbara Walters.
Mrs. Findlay, you are being
interviewed by Barbara Walters.
Oh.
My God, what do they do to
make you look so beautiful on TV?
- Mrs. Findlay...
- Oh, not that you aren't lovely now.
You guys do one hell of a job.
I mean, mousy, phooey!
Uh, go ahead, Ms. Walters.
Mrs. Findlay, I'm
not Barbara Walters.
I knew it! Now where the
hell is Barbara Walters?
Oh, uh, she's on her way.
She has been delayed
interviewing Kissinger.
Kissin...
Doesn't she realize that
she's wasting her time
on small potatoes with Kissinger
when I am sitting on the
biggest story in the country?
This is an insult
to Henry Fonda.
Now, get out of my
house! I don't need you!
Come on, gang, Barbara
picked another hamburger.
Come on, we've got
Mayor Beane at 3 o'clock.
Tony, you can leave. I
don't need you anymore.
Yes, ma'am.
- Mother, what's happening?
- I just got rid of everybody.
- I don't need Barbara Walters.
- Maude.
Please, this is no time
for a lecture, Walter.
Don't you realize I'm in
the middle of a campaign
to have Henry Fonda
elected President?
Maude, there is no campaign!
Grandma, grandma,
we had a mock election
in our school today.
And guess who won? Henry Fonda.
Do you hear, Walter?
Even little school children know
that Henry Fonda is a winner.
- Yeah, he won by 28 votes.
- Ooh!
He clobbered Tony
Orlando and Dawn.
Mrs. Findlay.
Mrs. Findlay, a telegram
from Henry Fonda.
How do you know who it's from?
I opened it.
Oh, this is it. This is it.
This has to be the
official declaration
that Henry Fonda
is entering the race.
Oh, Gus, isn't this exciting?
"Dear Mrs. Findlay,
"know your heart
is in the right place
"but emphatically,
"I am...
not a candidate."
"If you persist in
using my name,
"we'll have to turn the
matter over to my attorneys.
You're one heck of a lady,
Henry Fonda."
Mrs. Findlay,
you're a real class.
I laid out 35 bucks this
morning for coffee and junk,
you know, for the TV crew,
but it's all on me.
Oh, Gus, don't be silly.
You take it out of the
special reserve fund.
Reserve fund?
The $6500 we had in
our National City account.
That's Philip's account.
That's the money we've been...
saving for his
college education.
- You can't spend that money.
- I already spent it.
- What?
- How dare you?
Who gave you the
authority to even touch it?
You did, for expenses.
500 for office supplies
and 6000 for miscellaneous.
That does it.
Get outta here, Gus.
Come on, get out of my house!
Fine. Listen to that.
And I'm out 35 bucks.
All right. It don't
pay to be a nice guy.
$6500 gone. Wasted.
Maude, we broke our
backs for eight years
saving that money for Philip.
Mother, that wasn't
even all your money.
I contributed $40 a
month to that campaign!
- Oh, Carol, both of us...
- Mother, you had no right!
Now, if you don't understand
what you're doing yourself,
look what you're doing
to people who love you.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Now, I'm sorry I yelled,
but you got no right to
speak to grandma like that.
It's okay, grandma.
I don't mind.
After all, it was spent
for a good cause.
You're quite a guy, Philip.
Your grandmother
needed a little love just then.
Maude.
Does that mean
you'll see Dr. Lester?
The first thing
tomorrow morning.
Maude, you're
the most wonderful,
most incredible...
Maude?
Well, since, I'm
still on cloud nine
why don't we take
advantage of it?
Shall we go upstairs?
Dinner will be ready
in about 10 minutes.
All right, sweetheart.
You've been seeing Maude
about six weeks now, Dr. Lester.
What do you think?
Well, the medication seems
to have stabilized her moods.
Now, we can get
at the real causes.
- Are you sure, doctor?
- Oh, yeah.
Maude is a...
forceful dynamic
person, of course,
but she's on an even keel now.
No, not any more of those, uh,
extreme highs and lows.
This is really ridiculous.
You're the most
incompetent person
who ever set foot in a kitchen.
I mean, you... I... Of
all the dumb things
you have ever pulled,
this has to be the dumbest.
Who ever heard of
frying a leg of lamb?
I'm sorry, ma'am. There
was no room in the oven.
I was heating the salad plates.
You're not incompetent,
You are hopeless.
Absolutely hopeless. I
mean, you cook the way
Truman Capote arm wrestles.
This is ludacris.
You're right. She's
back to normal.
Maude was taped in Hollywood
before a live audience.
Our official campaign poster.
HFP.
Henry Fonda For President.
Doctor,
the reason we're so
worried about my mother is,
she's gone all of this
trouble and all this expense,
she hasn't even
talked to Mr. Fonda, yet.
Well, it usually
happens sooner or later
to someone who might
be a manic-depressive.
- Manic-depressive?
- A manic-depressive?
You know, all of us at some
time or other in our lives
have emotional highs
and lows, you know and...
Uncontrolled,
the higher this gets,
the lower this can get.
And both emotional extremes,
well, they can be dangerous.
And because I am so sure
that you could do anything
you set your mind to,
if you do succeed in
getting me nominated,
I will not run.
Oh, it's all my fault.
I had the opportunity.
I missed it.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
This is basically
what you could call a
grassroots campaign.
Bloody slogs, reporters.
Bloody slogs!
Here's another
1000 HFP envelopes.
I just don't understand this.
It was just night before
last that Henry Fonda
stood in that exact spot
and said he wouldn't
run for President.
Then Maudie gets so depressed,
she has to go upstairs
to bed for two days
and the whole thing
starts all over again.
I know, isn't it exciting?
No, it's not
exciting. It's sick.
I know about these
things. I'm a doctor.
Wait till Walter
sees this chaos.
Oh, fried fritters, Arthur.
I'll get it.
Fonda for President
headquarters.
Who is it?
Barbara Walt...?
Barbara Walt...!
You mean, Barbara Walters of
the Today Show, Barbara Walters?
Oh! Well, excuse me,
just a minute, Ms. Walters.
Here, hold this.
- What's the matter?
- Good heavens.
That's Barbara
Walters, and I'm a mess.
Hello.
Oh, yes, I know, Ms. Walters.
Oh, you wanna
talk to Mrs. Findlay.
Well, she is, um,
she is... She is
resting just now.
No! No! Don't call us.
We'll call you!
I just hung up on
Barbara Walters!
Arthur, look, I just hung
up on Barbara Walters.
And you know, this morning
I hung up on Walter Cronkite.
Not actually Walter Cronkite.
It was this other man, I
think his name was Mudd.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Excuse me.
You got a press pass to get in?
Press pass?
No pass, you
can't get in. Orders.
What the hell are
you talkin' about?
Don't hassle me, mac.
I'm only doin' this job
part-time as a favor.
My full-time job is different.
Look, I don't care who you are.
I don't care about your orders.
And I don't care whatever it
is you do when you're not here.
I'm an organizer for
the Teamsters Union.
I care.
Uh, Tony,
when Walter Cronkite gets
here, be sure you let him in.
- Gotcha.
- Vivian!
Oh, hi, Walter.
Where do ya think you're goin'?
Didn't you hear
her call me Walter?
- Yeah.
- I'm Walter Cronkite.
Oh.
And that's the way it is.
CBS News or no CBS News,
we bloody well don't talk
to no flipping second stringers.
Who is Eric Sevareid?
Carol, what is going on?
Insanity.
Oh, Walter, ask Gus
Lambino. I've given up.
Gus, Gus!
Oh! Excuse me a minute, fellas.
- Hi, Mr. Findlay.
- What the hell are you up to?
My job.
When Mrs. Findlay
took me outta my taxi
and made me press
secretary, I promi...
Look who I got here.
Time Magazine,
News Week, the Washington
Post, The Wall Street Journal.
And the biggest of 'em all,
Butch Hacker from
The National Enquirer.
Carol, does Maude
know anything about this?
No. She's been so depressed,
she's been upstairs in
her bed sleeping all day.
Well, how did this happen?
I mean, who'd be dumb
enough to say anything
to all these newspapers
about Henry Fonda?
Certainly none of us.
Listen to this, Walter.
From the New York Times.
"The meeting between
Mr. Fonda and Mrs. Findlay
"was confirmed by
an unidentified source
"who said,
"'it's true that Mr. Fonda
bloody well came
to the flippin' house'".
Sounds like a Russian spy to me.
Well, Carol, I don't care
if Maude is depressed.
I'm goin' upstairs
and talk to her.
- Well, I better come with you.
- Excuse me, will you?
Maude, I know you're depressed
and that this isn't the time
- to bring this up.
- Walter.
Mother, how're you feeling?
Walter.
Walter, come here, Walter.
Of course, Maude,
I'm here. I'm Here.
Oh, Walter, I've
been waiting for you.
I have to talk to you.
I'm here, Maude,
talk to me, talk to me.
Walter.
Yes, Maude.
I wanna tell you a joke.
A joke?
This man walks into a restaurant
and he orders a lobster.
When the waiter
brings him the lobster
he brings one that
only has one claw.
Have you heard this, Walter?
So the man says, "What
happened to the other claw?"
And the waiter says,
"Oh, he got in a fight
with another lobster
and he lost it."
So the man says, "Well,
take it back and
bring me the winner!"
Oh, oh.
Oh, my father told me that joke
when I was five years old.
Right before he
came to the punch line,
I blurted it out ahead of him.
He was crushed.
You never did
that to your father,
did you, Walter?
Maude, I know you're upset,
but something's gotta be done.
The house is full of reporters.
The phone is
ringin' off the hook.
- It's a madhouse.
- Reporters?
How can you talk about reporters
when I ruined my
father's lobster joke?
Maude, word got out
that Henry Fonda was here
and they think he's
running for President.
- Walter, not now.
- When?
I mean, the whole world's
going crazy, Maude!
Even Barbara Walters called.
Maude,
Henry Fonda is not running!
You're standing there
calling Barbara Walters a liar?
- Maude, Henry Fonda...
- What does Henry Fonda know?
He's an actor.
Oh, Walter.
Oh, this is wonderful.
Oh, this is really wonderful.
It's beginning to snowball.
Walter, what did I tell you?
"Henry Fonda For President."
I mean, we'll get every single
woman's vote in the country.
I just had a brilliant idea!
For the men,
for Vice President,
we'll run Jane.
- There's Mrs. Findlay now.
- Jim, come on, let's go.
Mrs. Findlay! When's Mr. Fonda
- gonna be in town again?
- Gentlemen, gentlemen,
gentlemen, gentlemen,
these are the facts.
Now I know there've been a
great many rumors flying around
but the truth is,
according to Barbara Walters,
Henry Fonda wants to be
President so bad, he can taste it!
- Maude, how can you say that?
- - Oh, Mother!
No, no more questions.
No more questions.
I really have
nothing more to say.
Oh, except for this.
A little human interest.
I sleep in the raw.
Boys, thank you,
that's it for today.
Thank you very much,
fellas. We'll talk tomorrow.
Maude.
Maude, you know that
Henry Fonda is not running.
How could you say
what you just said?
It's not true!
Mrs. Findlay, Mrs. Findlay,
turn on the 5 o'clock news.
They're interviewing Henry
Fonda at the Kennedy Airport.
Thank God. We can put an
end to this once and for all.
You're blowing this thing
way out of proportion.
- But Mr. Fonda, you said...
- What do I know, I'm an actor?
You're blowing this thing
way out of proportion.
Are you denying that you
appeared before a group
of your supporters in
Tuckahoe, New York?
No, but...
Then you are declaring
yourself a candidate?
- No!
- Then you're an undeclared
candidate?
No, I didn't tell them I
was running for President.
They told me.
Then you admit you are
running for President?
I didn't say that.
Are you willing to settle
for the Vice Presidency?
No, absolutely not.
Then it's the
Presidency or nothing?
- Yes.
- Oh!
No, wait! I didn't...
Well, as you have just
seen for yourselves,
Mr. Henry Fonda,
with the denial,
not unlike that of Senator Ted
Kennedy and Hubert Humphrey
unofficially throwing
his hat into the ring.
Ha-ha!
I mean, look at the political
savvy he's picked up already.
"I will not run."
Maude. I wanna speak
to you in the kitchen.
Oh, certainly, darling. Oh,
Walter, this is going to be
the most exciting campaign
in the history of this country.
- I want you to see Dr. Lester.
- Now, look, Walter,
I am tired of your constantly
referring to my enthusiasm
- as manic depression.
- Damn it, Maude,
you got a problem. Admit it!
And if you got a problem, go
to a person who can help you
with that problem.
If it takes a psychiatrist,
go see a psychiatrist.
If it takes a doctor,
go see a doctor.
For crying out loud, if it
takes a television repairman,
go see a television repairman!
Walter, are you
trying to tell me
there's something wrong
with my horizontal tubes?
Maude, your problem
is my problem.
- I'll see Dr. Lester with you.
- Walter,
who sees the psychological
problem in this situation?
- You or me?
- I do!
-Okay, you see the
psychological problem,
you see the psychiatrist.
Maybe he can explain
this fantasy of yours
that I need a
television repairman.
All right, Maude.
Forget it!
Brilliantly dramatic
performance, Walter.
But you forgot to say one thing.
"Frankly, Scarlet,
I don't give a damn."
You're in the wrong
movie, Maude.
But if you ever want any help,
all you have to do is whistle.
"And, you know how to whistle.
Just pucker up and blow."
Carol, Viv,
Mrs. Naugatuck, Arthur, I'm...
I'm worried.
For the first time in my life,
I think I'm very frightened.
I know, Mother.
Maude, we all understand.
It'll work out, ma'am.
Maudie, it's facing the problem
that's the important thing.
Oh, you're all so right,
and I'm so glad
you recognize it, too.
And Walter needs
help, he's sick.
Let's move it, huh,
- she'll be down in a minute.
- Oh, no!
This is worse than yesterday.
Oh, wow, now it's television.
Every time I turn my back,
this place turns
into a madhouse.
Relax, mac.
You're about to
be visited by the girl
all America likes
to wake up with.
Linda Lovelace is coming here?
I'm talking about
Barbara Walters.
But I like your taste.
Now look, only authorized
personnel allowed in here.
Now be a nice guy.
Hey, you, Cronkite.
Out in the kitchen.
"And that's the way it is."
I can't believe this.
Where's Maude?
She's upstairs getting
dressed for her interview.
It's like being in prison.
Well, the men in the living
room don't want us in there
while mother is doing her
interview with Barbara Walters.
Why? When Betty
Ford gets interviewed
do they lock Jerry
in the kitchen?
That's it! That's it!
That's how she got
away with all that dirty talk
about sex and marijuana.
They had Jerry
locked in the kitchen.
I'm so worried about
Maude. I'm a nervous wreck.
And on top of everything else,
she spent over $2500
on this dumb campaign.
You mean $3,000.
She bought herself a
new outfit for the interview.
How can one outfit cost $500?
It came with a hat.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, you gotta help me
get upstairs to see Maude.
Those TV people
won't let me through,
and I know I can help her.
Listen, I stayed up all night
reading this
wonderful medical book
and I know all about
manic depression.
Vivian, kindly remember
who the doctor is here.
Oh! Oh, Arthur, I'm sorry.
Well, I only read one book.
I don't know half as much
about medicine as you do.
I accept your apology.
Anyway, I have such
encouragement for Maude.
Did you know they used
to put people in asylums
before they found out
that most manic depression
is caused by a chemical
imbalance in the brain?
You see, Maude
isn't just depressed.
She's a manic-depressive,
and that's different,
because that can be
controlled biochemically.
Did you know that? Did you?
Vivian, he should be hearing
this from a qualified physician.
Arthur, we don't have time
to find a qualified physician.
Anyway,
Walter, I stayed up all night
reading this wonderful book
called "From Sad to Glad"
and it fits Maude's
case exactly.
Her violent swings
from high to low and...
And how she spends
money like water,
and how she's so unpredictable
like... like like suddenly
getting romantic
right in the middle
of an argument.
She told me that last week
you and she were driving along
and you having a
terrible argument
and... and she said
right in the middle of it
you came to Albany Avenue
and... And you stopped for a red light.
And she said before
the light turned green...
Oh, hell.
Wh-wh... why am I
telling you all this?
You were the one
who was trying to drive.
Anyway, I stayed up all
night because I love Maude
and because I know
if she doesn't get help,
it... it can get worse and...
And I wanna help her right now
'cause she is my best
friend in the whole world.
So, I wanna help
her right this minute.
Yeah.
Okay, we're all set up.
Ms. Walters is on her
way for the interview.
Her production person,
Fay Dunlap, is coming
down to set things up.
♪ The most beautiful
girl in the world ♪
Alice Cooper,
eat your heart out.
Oh, Mrs. Findlay,
you look, you look,
- you look...
- Stunning, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Thank you. I was going
to say overdressed.
We'll be ready to go in
a minute, Mrs. Findlay.
Oh, and you are?
I'm nobody, just a member
of the television crew, ma'am.
Now, please, never
say you are nobody.
Nobody is a nobody.
You are a worker and
workers are the backbone
of this country and you
deserve our respect and our love,
because without
you we are nothing.
Lady, that's beautiful.
Take your grimy hands
off my $500 dress.
Are we ready? Time
wasted is money lost.
Yes, ma'am, all set.
- Mrs. Findlay?
- Yes.
Now let's see.
Uh, please sit here.
Is that what you're wearing?
Oh-oh, now don't be nervous.
Uh, just a moment,
just a moment.
I understood that I was to be
interviewed by Barbara Walters.
Mrs. Findlay, you are being
interviewed by Barbara Walters.
Oh.
My God, what do they do to
make you look so beautiful on TV?
- Mrs. Findlay...
- Oh, not that you aren't lovely now.
You guys do one hell of a job.
I mean, mousy, phooey!
Uh, go ahead, Ms. Walters.
Mrs. Findlay, I'm
not Barbara Walters.
I knew it! Now where the
hell is Barbara Walters?
Oh, uh, she's on her way.
She has been delayed
interviewing Kissinger.
Kissin...
Doesn't she realize that
she's wasting her time
on small potatoes with Kissinger
when I am sitting on the
biggest story in the country?
This is an insult
to Henry Fonda.
Now, get out of my
house! I don't need you!
Come on, gang, Barbara
picked another hamburger.
Come on, we've got
Mayor Beane at 3 o'clock.
Tony, you can leave. I
don't need you anymore.
Yes, ma'am.
- Mother, what's happening?
- I just got rid of everybody.
- I don't need Barbara Walters.
- Maude.
Please, this is no time
for a lecture, Walter.
Don't you realize I'm in
the middle of a campaign
to have Henry Fonda
elected President?
Maude, there is no campaign!
Grandma, grandma,
we had a mock election
in our school today.
And guess who won? Henry Fonda.
Do you hear, Walter?
Even little school children know
that Henry Fonda is a winner.
- Yeah, he won by 28 votes.
- Ooh!
He clobbered Tony
Orlando and Dawn.
Mrs. Findlay.
Mrs. Findlay, a telegram
from Henry Fonda.
How do you know who it's from?
I opened it.
Oh, this is it. This is it.
This has to be the
official declaration
that Henry Fonda
is entering the race.
Oh, Gus, isn't this exciting?
"Dear Mrs. Findlay,
"know your heart
is in the right place
"but emphatically,
"I am...
not a candidate."
"If you persist in
using my name,
"we'll have to turn the
matter over to my attorneys.
You're one heck of a lady,
Henry Fonda."
Mrs. Findlay,
you're a real class.
I laid out 35 bucks this
morning for coffee and junk,
you know, for the TV crew,
but it's all on me.
Oh, Gus, don't be silly.
You take it out of the
special reserve fund.
Reserve fund?
The $6500 we had in
our National City account.
That's Philip's account.
That's the money we've been...
saving for his
college education.
- You can't spend that money.
- I already spent it.
- What?
- How dare you?
Who gave you the
authority to even touch it?
You did, for expenses.
500 for office supplies
and 6000 for miscellaneous.
That does it.
Get outta here, Gus.
Come on, get out of my house!
Fine. Listen to that.
And I'm out 35 bucks.
All right. It don't
pay to be a nice guy.
$6500 gone. Wasted.
Maude, we broke our
backs for eight years
saving that money for Philip.
Mother, that wasn't
even all your money.
I contributed $40 a
month to that campaign!
- Oh, Carol, both of us...
- Mother, you had no right!
Now, if you don't understand
what you're doing yourself,
look what you're doing
to people who love you.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Now, I'm sorry I yelled,
but you got no right to
speak to grandma like that.
It's okay, grandma.
I don't mind.
After all, it was spent
for a good cause.
You're quite a guy, Philip.
Your grandmother
needed a little love just then.
Maude.
Does that mean
you'll see Dr. Lester?
The first thing
tomorrow morning.
Maude, you're
the most wonderful,
most incredible...
Maude?
Well, since, I'm
still on cloud nine
why don't we take
advantage of it?
Shall we go upstairs?
Dinner will be ready
in about 10 minutes.
All right, sweetheart.
You've been seeing Maude
about six weeks now, Dr. Lester.
What do you think?
Well, the medication seems
to have stabilized her moods.
Now, we can get
at the real causes.
- Are you sure, doctor?
- Oh, yeah.
Maude is a...
forceful dynamic
person, of course,
but she's on an even keel now.
No, not any more of those, uh,
extreme highs and lows.
This is really ridiculous.
You're the most
incompetent person
who ever set foot in a kitchen.
I mean, you... I... Of
all the dumb things
you have ever pulled,
this has to be the dumbest.
Who ever heard of
frying a leg of lamb?
I'm sorry, ma'am. There
was no room in the oven.
I was heating the salad plates.
You're not incompetent,
You are hopeless.
Absolutely hopeless. I
mean, you cook the way
Truman Capote arm wrestles.
This is ludacris.
You're right. She's
back to normal.
Maude was taped in Hollywood
before a live audience.