Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 17 - Maude's Mood: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪



♪ Whistle while you work ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
whistle while you work. ♪

Oh, I think I stuffed 4,000
envelopes this morning.

Gee, and this the 63rd
box I've filled in the last hour.

Mother's got us
working like beavers.

I know it. I don't see
how she can walk out

on all this work and
leave it to beavers.

Ah!

Leave it to bea...
Leave it to beaver.

Where's Maude?

I wanna see Maude.

She's forced me to
close my office down.

She's got my nurse going
door to door soliciting.

- Soliciting?
- Yes!



Nurse Pruitt soliciting?

He means for
campaign funds, Vivian.

Not men.

Oh.

Of course, Pruitt's
35 years of age.

She's way over the hill
for anything but funds.

Oh, hi, Carol. She's
got half of Tuckahoe

working on this
silly project of hers.

- Arthur, stop calling it silly.
- It certainly is silly.

There's a medical practice
going on and people really...

Arthur What the heck...

Is anything wrong, Walter?

Anything wrong?
What could be wrong?

Doesn't everybody's wife run up
a $1,643 phone bill every month?

Oh, Arthur, what'll I do?

- Well, I know what I'd do?
- What?

You owe me 20 bucks
for medical advice.

It isn't funny.

61 long distance calls.

2,806 local message units.

Walter, there's
nothing to worry about.

Mother says,
we'll get it all back

as soon as the campaign
contributions start rollin' in.

I've seen Maude get excited
over her wild ideas before,

but this time!

I bet she doesn't
sleep four hours a night.

She is either writing or
phoning or planning meetings.

Well, you know her.

Now, she's had these
super highs off and on

- ever since I was a kid.
- I must say though,

I do love her when she gets
excited about these projects.

Remember, like that
time she backed that fellow

who invented a
universal solvent?

And then lost it all
when he couldn't

find anything to keep it in?

You know, she is so dynamic.

Tada...!

Are you ready, folks?

Bring it in, boys.

Our official campaign poster.

H-F-P.

Henry Fonda, for President!

Put it over there, boys.

Oh...

Mark this prediction.

The initial's H-F-P
will go down in history.

Bigger than F-D-R.

Bigger than...
bigger than J-F-K.

Bigger than L-B-J.

B-U-L.

Funny, Walter.
Pathetic, but funny.

Listen, honey, do you
have any money for a tip?

Oh, wait a minute, never
mind, never mind, I got it.

Here, boys, here's 50 bucks.

Fifty bucks.

Thanks, for your trouble.

Oh...

Oh, is this a candidate
or is this a candidate?

- Mmm...
- Oh, my God,

he'll look gorgeous
on Mount Rushmore.

Wait till you hear our new
campaign song, Walter?

♪ Eighty grades... ♪

♪ "You know, he ought
to be head of stage... ♪

♪ "So, speakin' very...
Presidentially... ♪

Huh? huh? Presidentially?

♪ ... Ain't he great?" ♪

Come on, girls, let's do it
the way, we rehearsed it.

Okay?

"Ain't he great? ♪

♪ "We're gonna make
him head of state ♪

♪ "So, the hell with
keeping it confidentially ♪

♪ Ain't he great?" ♪

Oh, I love you..

I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you.

You are such a fun to work with.

I love... love...

- Carol!
- What?

You stuffed the
envelope incorrectly.

I told you I do not want
Mr. Fonda's face folded.

Look, you've creased his teeth.

I-uh... uh, I'm sorry, mother.

I... I... I'm sure, that's
the only one I did wrong.

Oh, sure, sure?

Sometimes I think I
should do everything myself.

Not only is nobody
trying to help me but...

I even get the
feeling of sabotage.

- Sabotage?
- Sabotage?

Maude, you have some nerve
accusing your family and friends

of letting you down.

That's right, Walter.

This whole idea of
yours is stupid anyway.

Running an actor for President.

Oh, is that so, Arthur?

Well, who do you want
to be our next President?

Ronald Reagan.

And don't give me that
look, Maude Findley.

Ronald Reagan was never
an actor and you know it.

Maude, you're doing all
this work and spending

all of this money on something
that's out of your reach.

Look, I admit that Henry Fonda
is a decent, sensible, honest man,

but, he can't be
elected President.

Not with those qualifications.

Walter, look around you.

Listen to all of your friends.

I don't believe there
is one single candidate

that anybody is the
least bit excited about.

I mean, it seems to me that

every single
candidate is a guess.

How about Henry
Fonda as a guess?

He's certainly
the best of the lot.

- I agree with mother.
- So do I.

And I'm sure Mr. Fonda feels
the same way, doesn't he?

Well, if he doesn't
now, he certainly will.

Once I call him and tell him
he's running for President.

Mother?

You haven't even talked
to Henry Fonda yet?

- You mean,
you haven't talked to him?
- You haven't said a word?

I don't believe it.

Maude, suppose he doesn't
want to go into politics?

Arthur, I am offering him the
Presidency of The United States.

- How can he turn me down?
- Maude?

Oh, come on now, look.

I mean, our generation
is gonna make it but

what about Philip?

What about our grandson?

I mean, what guarantee have we

that in 25 years there'll
be a world he can live in?

So I say, the hell with the old
familiar faces and tired phrases.

I've always been fond of Fonda.

How about that for a slogan?

"I'm fond of Fonda"
I'm fond of Fon...

Carol, can you see
that on your bumper?

Look, when... when slogans
come this easily and this fast,

- it's an omen!
- Omen?

Maude, it's a pipe dream.

You know what you're
beginning to sound like?

You're beginning to sound...

Two months at Berlitz
and that's what he learns.

Maude, you'll never even
get a chance to talk to him.

I know if I were Henry Fonda,
I wouldn't answer your call.

Exactly. And it's just that
kind of thinking, Walter,

that's keeping you from being
President of The United States.

Be with you in a moment, folks.

You know, psychiatrists
don't usually have

office hours on Saturday.

If you'd give me a
call, I'd have been glad

to meet you down at the office.

Well, Maude said she
knew you, Dr. Lester.

And since you live
in a neighborhood,

well, I guess, I'm looking
for a little reassurance.

Uh... uh, I'll
handle this, Walter.

After all, we're fellow doctors.

Uh, it's like this, Herb.

- Uh, Herbie?
- Yeah?

You see, Walter and
Carol's stepfather here

were concerned about
Maudsie, so I told them, uh, look,

f you're concerned about Maude,

you ought to see my
old buddy, Herbie Lester.

The best psychiatrist in
The Eastern Seaboard.

That's very kind and
generous of you Laurence.

- Arthur.
- Oh, yes, of course.

You're not Lawrence
Harmon. You're Arthur Hancock.

- No, I'm Arthur Harmon.
- Oh, of course.

Uh, it's nice to meet you.

Well, I suppose you're
all worried about Maude

and her campaign to elect
Henry Fonda President, uh?

You know about it?

Everyone in town knows about it.

She's been calling
my office for weeks,

trying to get my endorsement.

Look here!

She even sent me this hat here.

♪ Ain't he great?
Ta-taada-tat-tat-tada ♪

That's really catchy.

Doctor, the...

The reason we're so
worried about my mother is

she's gone to all of this
trouble and all of this expense.

She hasn't even
talked to Mr. Fonda yet.

Well, I'm not surprised.

You think she might've
gone overboard, eh?

Well, that usually
happens sooner or later

to someone who might
be a manic-depressive.

- Manic-depressive?
- A manic-depressive?

- Manic?
- Well, I thought you knew.

What the hell are you
talking about, Doctor?

- My wife is no maniac.
- Walter.

Oh, listen, Mr. Findlay,

the word 'manic' doesn't
mean anyone's a maniac.

Far from it.

And Maude's in
very good company.

I mean, we even suspected Abraham
Lincoln was a manic-depressive.

And so was Teddy Roosevelt
and Winston Churchill.

Well, I don't care about them!

I also don't care for Doctors
who diagnose unseen patients

from their Model T Fords.

Now, you didn't hear
me out, Mr. Findley.

About 19 years ago, Maude
spent some time in therapy with me.

And I told her then,

God bless her that she had
manic-depressive tendencies.

Uh, he's crazy.

Now, Maude may be
driving me up a wall,

but she is not crazy.

Doctor, you're a bean bag.

Walter, he's not
saying Maude is crazy,

he's just saying she
may need a little help.

And it's quite
possible she might.

You know all of us, at some
time or other in our lives,

have emotional highs and
lows, you know, and uncontrolled,

the higher this gets,

the lower this can get.

And both emotional extremes,
well, they can be dangerous.

You buy all of this
about Maude, Carol?

- You, too, Arthur?
- I've suspected it, yeah.

Well, let me tell you
something. You're all nuts!

Oh, Walter.

Don't get so upset.

You know, that-uh-uh...

Manic-depressive disorders,
they seem to be, uh...

they seem to be physical.

I mean, we learned
that recently,

at any rate, they're
easily controlled,

with proper medication.

You know, manic-depressives
are... are people

with a chemical
imbalance in the blood.

- Uh...
- Now, listen.

Walter, I'm telling you,

there may be 20
million Americans with...

Who suffer from some
variation of the same disorder.

- Really?
- Why, certainly.

And manic-depressives,
by the way

are some of the most
interesting people I know.

I mean, their enthusiasm
and their persuasiveness

can really work
wonders sometimes.

That's there you
are, you devils.

What are they
trying to do, Herb,

talk you into that Fonda
campaign endorsement?

Huh? Do I have family?

Do I have friends?

Oh, Walter, sweetheart.

Carol, darling. Hello, Arthur.

Herb, Wednesday night I'm having
some people over to discuss the campaign

and I'd be so happy
if you'd join us.

- I'd love to come.
- Good.

- Who'll be there?
- Well, all of us, of course,

and some campaign
strategists from Madison avenue.

Maude, you're dragging
more and more people

into a hopeless cause.

Hopeless?

Walter, I think that just one
of our guests Wednesday night

- might change your mind.
- Who?

Henry Fonda.

♪ Ain't he great?
Tu-chu-tu-doo-do-do ♪...

Oh, Carol, it's so
exciting, isn't it?

I mean, when I think
that Henry Fonda

is actually going
to be in this house!

With Henry Fonda.

Hank!

Here!

Oh...

Oh, shame on me.

Mmm...

Vivian, I have never
heard such hogwash.

Oh...

Henry Fonda is a man
just like any other man.

Ha-huh-ha...

Uh-ha-huh-ha...

Oh-oho-ho...

Huh-huh-ha-ha.

- Ha!
- Thank you, Viv.

Oh, I'm with you...

Carol, she's done it again.

Did she tell you, huh?

- I mean, did she tell ya?
- Did she tell me what?

Did she tell ya, how she got
Henry Fonda to come here tonight?

Yes. She called his
agent and asked him.

Yes, but she didn't even
mention running him for President.

She asked him to fly in to
do his one man show Darrow,

at the Tuckahoe
Community theatre.

We don't have a Tuckahoe
Community Theatre.

We do now.
You're standing in it.

Oh, that's marvelous.

I've never seen a Broadway
hit in a living room before.

Walter, you can't tell me
that Mr. Fonda would fly

3,000 miles because
some lady calls his agent

and says she wants him
to do Darrow for one night.

That lady also wired his
agent $5,000 of our money...

- Ooh...
- Uh...

as a deposit against
a $20,000 guarantee.

- Oh, no.
- - How can she spend that much?

She's practically wiped
out our bank account.

Oh, Walter.

Oh, Walter, mmh-mmh...
Dr. Lester is right.

Mother's got a terrible problem.

Oh, now, come on now,
Carol, she may be pigheaded,

but she's as normal as I am.

♪ "Singing very Presidentially ♪

♪ Ain't he great?" ♪

- Everybody, how do I look?
- Fine.

I want Mr. Fonda
to know I'm sincere.

You know, folksy yet chic.

Sort of a cross between
Will and Ginger Rogers.

That must be Mr. Fonda.

Oh, oh, Arthur-Arthur,
go stand somewhere else,

I want him to think I'm alone.

Sure.

- Hello, Maude.
- Oh, Dr. Lester,

how nice to see you.

And our Adman, Mr. Krowl,

please meet my husband, Walter.

- My daughter, Carol.
- Hello.

My dear friends,
Doctor and Mrs. Harmon.

And of course, you all know our

Presidential Press
Secretary, Gus Lambino.

Hello, Gus.

Gus is very well-known
as a taxi driver

but he is best known as
the only man in existence

who's had over 420
letters to the editor

printed in the New
York Daily News.

Look through 'em.

I always sign 'em "Fed up."

Though some
times just his initials.

Maude.

A cab driver as a
Presidential Press Secretary?

- Walter, who could be better?
- - What's wrong with that, Walter?

Oh, my God!

Vivian... Vivian.

Don't tell me.

You're Henry Fonda?

Please, come in.

I'm looking for the Tuckahoe
Community Theatre.

My agent gave me this address,

but obviously, there's
been some mistake.

Oh, well, it's not
really a mistake.

No, it's more like a lie.

I'm afraid, I don't understand.

It's 7 o'clock, I'm
due on stage at 8.30.

I've never missed
a curtain in my life.

Oh, my God, what
strength of character.

Huh?

Mr. Fonda, you're
at the right address.

I'm Mrs. Findlay.

Please, won't you sit down?

Have a cheese doodle
and I'll explain everything.

Thank you, but I'm afraid I
don't care for cheese doodles.

- Straight from the shoulder.
- What?

You don't care for
cheese doodles.

You didn't hem and haw,
you didn't try to be politic.

You gave it to me
straight from the shoulder.

"I'm afraid I don't care
for cheese doodles."

Gentlemen, Carol, if you will.

Mr. Fonda, I proudly present
you with your next career.

President of the United States.

Mrs. Findlay, this joke
would've worked better

if you'd gotten one
that lit up in the dark.

Jimmy Stewart put
you up to this, right?

I'm afraid my wife is
serious, Mr. Fonda.

As a matter fact, Mr. Fonda,
if you look outdoors right now,

you'll see a
skywriter spelling out,

"Henry Fonda for President!"

Well, he needs to
take spelling lessons.

Driving up here,

I saw a plane writing
"Henry Fondue."

- I'm so, sorry.
- I...

I thought he was advertising
some new cheese dip.

I'll... I'll take up flying,
next time I'll write it.

Mrs. Findlay, I have this...

Sinking feeling
you're really serious.

- Yes, we all are!
- We're very serious.

I'm very serious, sir.

Well, so am I.

Look, I was coming east
anyway in a couple of days.

I'll have my agent
send your check back.

I... uh...

I appreciate the
compliment, if that's what it is.

Uh, look, Mr. Fonda,
please two minutes.

Give me two
minutes of your time.

Please, please. Two minutes.

Two minutes, Mr. Fonda!

Please, Mr. Fonda, sit down.

Two minutes.

Look.

Mr. Fonda, look around you.

This is your headquarters.

You are a
Presidential candidate.

Mrs. Findley, as we
use to say back home,

"A cat may have
kittens in the oven,

but that don't
make them biscuits."

Oh, that's marvelous.

And they said
Eisenhower was witty.

Mr. Fonda?

Mr. Fonda, I saw you
play Clarence Darrow.

And I was overwhelmed
by the way your...

Your earthiness and your honesty

and your integrity
came shining through.

I also played Jesse
James' brother.

And you played him beautifully.

Oh, yes, I...

I just loved you in that
and I... I also thought

Ty Power was
awfully cute as Jesse.

Mrs. Findlay...

friend of Mrs. Findlay,

I'm an actor not a politician,
so if you'll excuse me.

Oh, please,
Mr. Fonda, hear me out!

Oh, Maude, please! Excuse me.

If I may for just a
moment, please?

As much as I admire and I respect
Mr. Fonda, there is no way... no way,

that you can interest enough
of the elector to believe

that Henry Fonda,
a lifelong actor,

has the qualifications
for Presidential leadership.

That's right. Applaud him.

Applauded a totally
defeatist speech.

Let me tell you something
about my dream, Mr. President.

That does sound
good, doesn't it?

Mr. President.

Sure, you say... you say
you're totally and completely

inexperienced, but
inexperienced at what?

Inexperienced at corruption,

at... at pondering to
special interests of duplicity.

Mr. Fonda, you have something
that no other candidate has.

It's... it's what I call
"spiritual honesty."

Mr. Fonda, you are the
quintessential American

and the only one who can

bring to this country
the leadership

it so desperately needs.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you're next President
of the United States.

- Hurray!
- Hear, hear!

Hey! I pledge $1,000!

Well, I... I told you
they were persuasive.

Mrs. Findley, I'm positive
you can do anything

you set your mind to do,

but I do not wish to become
the President of the United States.

And because I am so sure

that you could do anything
you set your mind to,

if you do succeed in
getting me nominated,

I will not run.

Accidently, that was
a wonderful speech.

You do Darrow better than I do.

Thank you and good night.

He's gone.

He's gone because he
didn't think it was possible.

No, Maude.

He's gone because
he didn't wanna do it.

He didn't wanna do it because
he didn't think it could be done!

But anything, Walter,
anything is possible,

if you do something to... to
make people take you seriously.

But what, Maude?

I'm gonna burn down the house.

What do you...

Aah, you all think it's
a nutty idea, don't you?

Which shows how little
you know about leadership.

It is a genius idea!

I burn down this house,

somewhere in New Jersey,
somebody burns his house down,

uh-uh-uh, a
minister in-in-in Iowa

burns his church down.

I mean, don't tell me that

then people won't
seriously take the

Henry Fonda for
President campaign.

It's...

You're all

totally without imagination.

She's going into
this now, Walter.

I don't believe it.

I can snap her out
of it just like that.

Would you all mind leaving
us alone for just a minute?

Sure.

You hang in there, mother.

Oh, Walter.

I'm so tired.

Oh, no, no, no
you're not, sweetheart.

You've got all the stamina
and spunk in the world.

No.

Not anymore, Walter.

Oh, it's all my fault.

I had the opportunity.

I missed it.

No, no, believe me, sweetheart.

You didn't do anything wrong.

I did everything wrong, Walter.

Everything.

Everything.

Oh.

Maude, darling, I'm
sorry I didn't see it sooner.

Oh, my sweet-sweet darling.

It'll be all right.

Maude was taped in Hollywood,

before a live audience.