Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 16 - Walter's Stigma - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ she didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad she showed up?

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromising,
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Has anybody heard
from old Walter yet?

Carol: Oh, not yet.
Nobody knows where he is.

Boy, it's hard to believe
old Walter's going to be 53.

I know.

I just hope that when I'm
53 I look as good as he does.

You did.



Uh, Vivian, is the
cake ready yet?

Yes, yes, but where's
our birthday boy?

He's gonna miss his
own surprise party.

I called the store. They
said he left at 4 o'clock.

Mother, it's almost 6 o'clock.

Oh, come on, you
two. You know Walter.

He can never tear
himself away from anybody

he happens to be talking to.

You know, customers,
supermarket clerks,

the man at the news stand...

I mean, he's always
been that way.

That's why tonight's party

is going to be the biggest
surprise I've ever given Walter.

Except on our honeymoon.

No, I invited all
these people tonight,

because these are the people
that Walter stops and talks to.

These are the real
friends of friendly friendlies.

Oh, that's a sweet,
generous gesture.

I know. They eat like horses.

Well, I know Moore, the butcher,

and Art, from our
service station,

but who are the
rest of these people?

Oh, well, Carol, I
don't know everybody,

although I do know most of them.

Oh, Harry.

Harry. My daughter Carol.

This is Harry Devlin,
Walter's auto mechanic.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Walter adores your grease jobs.

And I adore him.

He's one of Tuckahoe's greats.

Oh, Harry?

Oh, and that's Jerry
Financio, Walter's druggist.

And that's the
pharmacist's mate.

- Jerry's wife?
- No, Jerry's mate.

Jerry's wife goes
with the dry cleaner.

Do you know who that is?

That is Hazel M. Hathaway.

The Hazel M. Hathaway?

Who writes tales for
the Tuckahoe Tattler?

And just hates everybody?

I love her.

That's the one. That is the one.

If she enjoys
herself here tonight,

she'll probably put Walter's
name in her column tomorrow.

Hey!

Perhaps I'd better...
Uh, Mrs. Hathaway,

I'm Maude Findlay.
Welcome to my home.

Oh, Mrs., uh, Mrs.. Findlay.

I was just noticing
the décor in this room.

Did you do it yourself or
did you have a decorator?

No, actually I
did it all myself.

That's what I figured.

Well, I haven't got all night.

Where's the guest of
honor? What's his name?

There's a car pulling
up in the driveway!

Quiet, everybody,
quiet, everybody!

Now, look, you all know
what you have to do.

Now we're going
to yell 'Surprise'

and then we're all going
to sing happy birthday.

Oh, incidentally, I
took Walter's key

so that he'd have
to ring the bell.

Pretty nice house
this Findlay guy's got.

- It's hard to believe.
- What?

That he's a sex weirdo.

Well, like they say,

perversion cuts across
socio-economic lines.

Uh oh. They got company.

Listen, maybe we ought to give
this guy a break and come back later.

You can't let a perpetrator
like Findlay run around loose.

The guy's charged with
lewd and lascivious conduct.

- Exposing himself in public.
- You're right.

Surprise!

♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

Hold it, hold it, everybody!

Look. Two policemen.
Isn't this marvelous?

Come on in.

Oh, what a wonderful
surprise for Walter.

I'm Officer Crandall and this is
Officer Sullivan. Now, where is, uh...

Oh, well, come right on in.
We expect Walter any minute.

Look, everybody.
Tuckahoe's finest!

Ah! You know, I just
think it's so fantastic

the way Walter
makes friends so easily.

I mean, what happened
with you two? I know.

You gave him a traffic ticket

and he charmed
the pants off you.

You're close.

That's my Walter.

That is my Walter.

- Ours, too.
- Ours, too.

Why don't you help yourselves
to a drink and just relax, huh?

Uh, Officers?

I just want you to know I was
the first in this neighborhood

one that had a bumper
sticker that says:

'Guns kill people, not cops.'

I support law and order to
combat this police brutality bunk.

He's our man all right. Fits
the description perfectly.

Yeah, imagine this guy stopping
innocent women on the street

and making lewd and
lascivious propositions.

- What a creep.
- A real sickie.

Listen everybody! Everybody!
I have a wonderful idea.

While we're waiting,

let's have a musical
entertainment by Elmer Gravenstein,

Walter's tailor.

Walter fell in love
with him one day

when he heard him whistle.

Apparently, he's
the only whistler

who doesn't need to pucker.

Uh, of course, I haven't
heard him myself.

Perhaps you'd like to
write him up in your column?

I'd be delighted. Now,
what was the name?

Gravenstein. Like the apple?

- Gravenstein.
- All right.

Your musical virtuoso,
Elmer Gravenstein.

You sure you want to
make the pinch now?

- I hate deception.
- You're a cop.

Think about what he did

in front of those
two innocent ladies.

Let's bust him.

At last! At last!

Now, everybody, remember
what you have to do.

Surprise!

- ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
- Oh, look who's here!

- ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
- Harry. Elmer. Jerry.

♪ Happy birthday, dear Walter ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you! ♪

Awe.

Oh, Maude, you didn't!

This is terrific!

Oh, happy birthday,
you dirty old man.

It's the happiest
moment of my life.

Vivian: Aw.

All right, you men.

Line up for that special toast.

Arthur: Oh. Okay. Come on.

Oh, by the way, Walter,

this is Hazel M. Hathaway,
from the Tuckahoe Trib?

No. You're not the
Hazel M. Hathaway

who writes tales from
your Tuckahoe Tattler?

Guilty.

Okay, Maudie. We are ready.

Walter, wait till you see
the special treat your friends

have prepared to
toast your birthday.

Walter Findlay. A friend
who's like a brother.

- Aw, thanks, Arthur.
- That's nice.

Walter Findlay.

Old friends are the best.

Oh, Harry, you old
son of a grease gun.

Walter Findlay, who proves
that nice guys can finish first.

Walter Findlay,
you're under arrest.

- What?
- You're under arrest.

Look, everybody.
The Keystone Kops.

Yeah, what's the charge?
Whatever it is, I'm guilty.

We have a report that you
accosted two women on Main Street,

exposed yourself, and
made indecent suggestions.

Way to go, Walter!

We identified you from your
picture in the Shopping News.

You're charged with lewd
and lascivious conduct.

Lewd and lascivious? My Walter?

Oh, officers, I assure
you he never acts that way.

Except in the privacy
of our bedroom.

And even then...

- Hah, you old son of a gun!
- You have the right
to remain silent...

This is your
joke, right, Arthur?

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you do say can and will
be used against you in a court of law...

Didn't I tell you,
he's a dirty old man!

During questioning. Do
you understand your rights?

Oh, you monkeys are beautiful.

Oh, hey, look at this.

Look at this, everybody!

Maude, toy cuffs!

They're real cuffs.

All right, let's go.

Maudie?

Maudie?

Ma-Maudie? Maudie?

Maudie?

I-I-I-I think... I think
they're serious.

Huh?

You're not serious?

We're serious.

Oh, now look, if this is
your idea of a joke, I'm...

Lewd and lascivious? My Walter?

Well, that's the charge.

This has got to be a mistake.

Maude, if even a
hint of this gets out,

- I'll be ruined.
- We'll straighten it all out.

Listen, we'll be right back.
Carol, take care of our guests.

I mean, this is ridiculous.
We'll get to the bottom of this.

Walter, no one will even
know the police have been here.

Floyd. Hazel.

Yes, hold the front page.
I'm at the Findlay party.

Her cheese puffs are nothing,

and her husband's a pervert.

Look, Sergeant, I'm innocent.

I wasn't anywhere
near those two ladies

- at 5:30 this afternoon.
- Then where were you?

Your employees say
you weren't at your store.

That's right, Walter. Why don't
you clear it up once and for all.

Tell the officer where you were.

Well, I was, uh...

I was, uh...

I was...

You went to your
public speaking class?

I took off early to go to...

I went to a film retrospective.

What's a film retrospective?

You know, it's where
they show classic films

by some of the immortal artists.

You know, Dietrich, Garbo,
Barrymore, Van Johnson...

Walter, it's nothing to be
ashamed of. Tell the officer.

Well...

actually...

It was a Donald Duck festival.

A Donald Duck festival?

You went to a
Donald Duck festival?

Walter, that has to be the
most Mickey Mouse thing

you've ever done.

I see. A Donald Duck festival?

Did you see anybody at this
alleged Donald Duck festival

who might remember you?

- I don't know. Maybe?
- Oh, for God's sake, Walter.

- Now think! Think!
- Oh, yes, yes.

I had a fight with
an 8-year-old kid

over the last box of Jujubes.

All right, folks,
just take a seat.

We have to wait
for the plaintiffs.

But I want to go
home. It's my birthday!

Sit down!

This is the most humiliating
experience of my life.

Mrs. Hathaway, stop writing!

The minute those women
get here, Walter will be cleared.

You're just wasting your Bic.

Walter.

I don't see how they can
bring these charges against you.

Were you anywhere
near Elm Street today?

Of course. My
store's on Elm Street.

What are you getting at, Arthur?

Oh, nothing. Uh, just wondering.

You see that, Maude?

You see what a
charge like this can do?

Even my best friend is
beginning to have doubts.

Oh, come on now, Walter.
Arthur isn't doubting you.

Of course not, Walter.

Uh, Walter, is it possible that

when you left the store
you forgot to zip up?

I mean, sometimes
you are forgetful.

You do that too, Arthur.

Vivian!

Walter's the
pervert here, not me.

- Arthur!
- I mean, accused.

Accused! Accused!

Pervert.

Nothing personal, Walter.

- That's him! He's the one!
- That's the one right there.

What are you talking about?

I never saw you
before in my life!

Oh, he's the one all right.

First he pinched
me and then he...

you know.

And then he asked
me to dump Clara here,

as if I ever would, and
go to a motel with him.

Lady, you're wrong.
I'm no weirdo.

I spent the whole afternoon
at a Donald Duck festival.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have a deadline to meet.

No, wait a minute,
Mrs. Hathaway!

You are not going to print that.

- I'm warning you!
- Don't yell at me.

This probably never
would have happened

if you'd given him what
he needed at home.

I will go to your editor. I
will go to your publisher.

You go ahead. They're
both the same man.

Floyd Hathaway. My Husband.

Are you ladies ready
to file a complaint?

- Absolutely.
- Yes.

- All right, this way.
- Animal.

All right, step
over here, Findlay.

- We need some fingerprints.
- Fingerprints?

Maude, call Barney.
I need a lawyer.

Yeah.

Oh, Arthur.

Walter's not
really guilty, is he?

Well, I certainly
hope not, Vivian.

An awful lot of people
know I'm his best friend.

Who do I give this
affidavit to, Sergeant?

Inside.

Hey. Walter?

Hi, Fred.

Walter, old buddy.

What brings you here?

Oh, some kids
broke into my store,

stole some baseball gloves...

Why are they taking
your fingerprints, Walter?

They picked me
up for jaywalking.

They take your
fingerprints for jaywalking?

Walter, Barney
is on his way over.

He thinks you ought
to sue for false arrest.

For jaywalking?

Oh, Fred. Thank
heaven you're here.

They've arrested Walter
because of some ridiculous mix-up.

What?

Listen, Sergeant,

Walter Findlay is one of the
finest citizens in Tuckahoe.

He's also one of my
closest personal friends.

Now what's this phony charge?

Oh, two hysterical
women claim that Walter

exposed himself to
them on Elm Street.

In there?

You see that, Maude?

I'll never be able to show
my face in public again.

Maude, that story in
the paper will kill me!

Honey, honey, I
will take care of it.

I'll get them to delay the
story until we can find the kid

who ripped off
that box of Jujubes.

Maude.

Just one thing.

You know I'm
innocent, don't you?

Oh, Walter. Walter,
you silly billy.

I know you. I know
what kind of man you are.

Walter, I know you
couldn't in a million years

dream up an alibi as dumb
as a Donald Duck festival.

No, no, no. I'm
sorry, Mrs. Findlay.

Oh, please, Mr. Hathaway.

I mean, delay the story
just for a couple of hours

until we can find that
kid who can prove

that Walter was at the theater.

Please, I beg of
you, Mr. Hathaway.

I'm a reasonable
man, Mrs. Findlay.

I understand your concern.

I'm gonna give you
the benefit of the doubt.

Aw.

Eddie?

You know that story on the
front page with the headline,

'Walter Findlay
Arrested on Sex Charge'?

Yeah. Well, change it to,

'Walter Findlay
Denies He's a Pervert.'

That's worse! That's like saying

that President Ford is learning
how to get off an airplane

without falling on his face.

Mrs. Findlay, where did
you get that information?

That's not important.

Mrs. Findlay,

two witnesses have positively
identified your husband.

You'd better wake up
and smell the coffee.

The public has a right
to know what goes on

in the streets of
this community.

We believe in the
First Amendment.

And the Ten Commandments.

Look, I believe in
the First Amendment,

and several of the Commandments.

But I assure you,

my husband has never done
anything wrong in the streets.

Well, maybe once. It
was after a snow storm.

- Uh huh!
- Behind a building.

I was standing guard.
It was an emergency!

All right, Mrs.
Findlay. All right.

Please, you cannot
print that story.

What if you print it and then
Walter is proven innocent?

- Well, I'll print that, too.
- Oh, sure.

You'll bury it someplace
where no one will read it.

Like in your wife's column.

Mrs. Findlay, I
understand your position,

but, as publisher of
the Tuckahoe Tribune,

I hold a sacred trust.

The precious right of our
readers to know the truth.

We print what we
know, fearlessly,

in spite of any threats
or intimidations.

Yes, we have our
principles, Mrs. Findlay,

and no power on earth
can cause us to swerve

from our devotion to the truth.

So don't think you can
come in here and influence us

just because your husband
happens to be a big advertiser.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean, her
husband's a big advertiser?

He owns Findlay's
Friendly Appliances.

You mean this Walter Findlay
is Friendly Wally Findlay?

Why, he's one of our
biggest advertisers.

Well, Floyd! What does
that have to do with it?

What about our
sacred principles?

What about the public's
precious right to know?

Hazel, you know I'd
never betray our principles.

I'm not killing this story

because Walter Findlay
is a major advertiser.

This is strictly a
news judgment.

I need room for the story

on the Rotarian's Pancake
Breakfast tomorrow morning

in the JC Penny parking lot.

The public has a precious right

to know about
that, too, you know?

Floyd, what are you doing?

What does it look like
I'm doing? Selling out.

Oh, thank you, thank
you, Mr. Hathaway!

Floyd, don't you realize
that this story could put me...

Hazel, please.

Why don't you just stick
to reprinting the dip recipes

from the back of the Frito bags?

You...

Eddie? Kill that Findlay story.

Yes, the whole thing. Kill it.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Hathaway.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

All right, Mrs. Findlay.

Maybe we can't say
anything about your husband,

but you're going to regret this

because tomorrow
morning I am going to run

the most vicious,
scathing, ruthless piece

I've ever written.

I am going to crucify your
abominable pigs in a blanket.

Good. I got the recipe
from your column.

I'm not making this up.

In the fourth cartoon,
Goofy took away the ladder

while Donald was sawing
off the branch, when suddenly,

- he looked down...
- Walter, please.

- We believe you.
- Vivian, quiet, please.

All right, Walter.

Now.

He was up the tree.
What happened?

It's showing tomorrow.
Go see it for yourself.

Oh, sure, and wind
up a convict like you.

Walter, thank heaven.

At least they are not
going to print that story.

Well, that's something.

Here you are, Sarge.

They ought to hang you
and throw away the key.

Look what the boys
picked up, Sarge.

Indecent exposure on the
corner of Fourth and Elm.

Look, Clara, that's him!

I'd know that face anywhere!

Well, well, well.
So this is our man.

Oh, Mr. Findlay, I'm so sorry.

Twice in one day. Kind of
pushing your luck, ain't you, fella?

It's fun.

Well, Walter, at least you can
see how they made the mistake.

I look like that?

Yes, Walter, you're just
gonna have to face these things.

Oh, but sweetheart.

Honey, it turned out to be
a happy birthday after all.

Happy birthday, Walter.

Happy birthday, Walter.

Ah!

Walter, you shouldn't
do that in a police station.

I didn't touch you!

Don't you ever try that again!

And, as a word of
advice, trim your nails.

Get over here.

Hey, Fred! Oh, Fred,
guess what? Guess what?

They're letting me go!

Terrific, Walter. That's great.

Oh, Maude, thank God
my reputation is still intact!

Uh, step over here, ladies.

We've got to go
through this again.

Phil.

Yeah, yeah, I'm still
down at the police station.

Listen, you'll never
guess what Walter Findlay

just bought his way out of.

♪ Tada! ♪

Watch two weeks from tonight,

when Maude launches her
own candidate for president.

Are you ready, folks?

Bring it in, boys.

Our official campaign poster.

HFP.

Henry Fonda for President.

♪ ♪

Maude was taped in Hollywood,

before a live audience.

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude... ♪