Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Split - full transcript

When Maude shows up late for a awards dinner for Walter, he forces her to choose between her run for a position on the New York State Senate or him.

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

♪ Fly me to the moon ♪

♪ And let me fly
among the stars. ♪

Umm... that's good.

But this'll be even better.

Much better.

♪ Tell me, what
the spring is like ♪



♪ On Jupiter and Mars ♪

Milk's got something
for everybody.

(Maude) Walter, please...

Walter, I'm sorry.

Honey, I'm Sorry.
Walter, I am so sorry.

You'll never know
how sorry I am,

Walter, Walter.

Walter, you have every right
to be absolutely furious with me.

Honey, I know I've been
spending a lot of time

up in Albany lately.

You know, lobbying for
that anti-pollution billing.

Oh, Walter. I know I couldn't
have picked a worse night to be late.

I mean, I mean the biggest,

most important
night of your life.

Honey, my guy.

My guy, Walter Findlay,

chosen Tuckahoe's
businessman of the year.

Winner of this
year's Tucky Award.

Oh! Come on, Walter.

Walter, Honey, I am
so sorry I came in,

in the middle of the
presentation and everything.

Oh, Walter, they
can have their Oscar's

and their Emmy's
and their Tony's.

I love your Tucky.

Aw, Walter, sweetheart, I
know what an honor it is.

Your name on this trophy

along with other
Tuckahoe men of the year.

Art of Art's Gas Station.

Joe Gamble, night
manager of Chicken Delight.

Mario Lionetti,
Philanthropist and part owner

of the Pussy Cat porno theatre.

Oh, Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

I was late, I mean, but I
really blew the whole thing.

Oh, but honey.

Walter, when you
find out why I was late,

I know you're
going to understand.

Walter, I know that tonight
was the most important night

of your life but Walter,

I just had the most
incredible honor

bestowed on me, too.

Walter, you know what?

You're gone, that's what.

Walter, please listen to me.

Walter, what are you doing?

You just ate a
nine course dinner

at the Musketeer room
of the Ramada Inn.

Honey, I know when you're angry,

you eat compulsively but...

Oh, now, Walter,
we do not eat snacks,

on our best Royal
Copenhagen China.

You realize, of course,

that now we can only
have dinner for seven.

At least you
evened it out to six.

Boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl.

Now, Walter, you're
not going to stand here

breaking all my
best China, are you?

All right, Walter,

I see there is only
one way to stop this.

(Arthur) They
said you too, fella.

Mother, mother, did
you tell Walter, yet?

Well, we haven't
got around it yet.

We are here to toast
Tuckahoe's Man of The Year.

And it's gonna be an
even bigger night for Walter

when he hears the
news about Maude.

I know. I can't wait to see
his face when he finds out.

Maudie, what have you got there?

Walter's, most
prized possessions.

His old phonograph records, 78s.

He's had them ever
since, he was a teenager.

Well, Sweetheart, have
you calmed down yet?

I see.

Honey, look, Walter,

your old recording
of the Andrew sisters

doing "Hold Tight."

Hold tight, hold tight, a-hold tight,
hold tight Fododo-de-yacka saki.

What's going on in here?

Carol, we are having
the most wonderful time.

Why don't you grab
something valuable and join us?

Walter?

Walter?

♪ Racing with the moon ♪

♪ High up in the midnight moon ♪

Not my Vaughn Monroe!

I love him.

Walter, will you listen
to the reason now?

No!

(Carol) Walter?

Walter!

Walter, mother has a perfectly
good excuse for being late tonight.

Forget it, Carol. I
mean, this is not the time.

Oh, no, Maude, c'mon, you
gotta tell him your good news.

The hell with her good news.

I'm up there on the dais,

your empty chair beside me.

Thanking my missing
wife for her support.

And then telling everybody
that you couldn't be there tonight

because you were laid up
in bed with the 'Asian flu'.

I know, Walter.

And just then you come running
through the door and knock over

a Chinese bus boy
carrying a tray of dishes.

Honey, you handled
it so beautifully,

saying I was getting even
with him for the 'Asian flu'.

Mother, tell him, tell him.

- No, no, no!
- (shouting altogether)

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no this is not the time.

This is Walter's night.

I don't want any of you
big mouths telling him

that they've asked me to run for
the "State Senate of New York".

It's true, Walter.

Walter.

It's true.

Honey, this afternoon,
up and Albany,

the leader of the
Democratic Caucus asked me

if I would be interested
in running in the primary

for States Senate
in this district.

Walter, honey, they think
I'm a viable candidate.

Imagine, Walter.

Me... Maude Findley...

viable...

Someday, I'm gonna
look up that word.

Oh, Walter, Walter,

of course, it'll mean that
I'll have to live up in Albany

five days a week, but honey,
I'll be home most weekends,

and of course, every holiday.

- Albany?
- Oh, sweetheart,

I'm so lucky that
you are the most

understanding, compassionate,

supportive women
oriented, Walter...

you're not "Tuckahoe's
man of the year."

You are "Tuckahoe's
person of the year".

- Maude?
- Yes, person?

Just one question.

Yes, my very own person.

While you're up in Albany,
who is gonna take care of me?

Walter?

You'll have Mrs. Naugatuck
and me to take care of you,

a-a-and Phillip will be here to
keep you from being lonesome.

You see darling,
nothing's going to change.

(Naugatuck singing) ♪
I'm singing in the rain... ♪

I think she's been
nipping at the milk again.

(Arthur) Hi, Mrs. Naugatuck!

(Carol) Mrs. Naugatuck!
Mrs. Naugatuck, guess what?

Mother has been asked to run

for the New York state senate.

Well, this calls
for a celebration.

I'll go and warm up some of
those veal kidneys you love.

That's a good idea! And
I'll open the Cold Duck.

Uh, Mrs. Naugatuck,

somebody else here
is having a big night.

(Mrs. Naugatuck) Who?

Why, Mr. Findley, of course.

Man of the year, how
do you like his trophy?

Another thing to polish.

Mario Lionetti?

He's no philanthropist.

His Pussy Cat theatre

wouldn't give me my
senior citizen's discount.

Walter?

Walter?

Honey, is something wrong?

Oh, for crying out loud, Maude.

Can't you run for
some office that's local,

where at least you'd be at home?

Uh...

what say, we go and
help Mrs. Naugatuck?

I'm with you, Carol. C'mon, Viv.

No, Arthur, I wanna
stay and watch the fight.

Walter, how can you...

How can you not
want this for me?

This is-this is my chance to
do something that matters.

Look, I know it's
important to you, Maude.

But I don't want
a "weekend wife".

I'm too old to
change my lifestyle.

Maude, I'm not a "Hermit"!

I've an uncommon
need not to be alone.

Honey, I know that and
I love you for it, but...

what about my needs?

What about my rewards!
Where are my trophies, Walter?

What are you talking about?

Here's one, Maude.

This beautiful
home, you've created.

And in that kitchen, right now,

there's another lovely
trophy you've created.

Mrs. Naugatuck?

I'm talking about your daughter.

Maude, you've been
a wonderful mother,

and a wonderful grandmother,
and you're a great wife!

Isn't that enough for you?

Let me ask you something,

Walter, would it
be enough for you?

Honey, I treasure
every moment of it,

but Walter, you've been
a wonderful husband

and a wonderful
grandfather to Phillip.

You've been a
great friend to Carol,

but, Walter, you also
have an outside life.

An outside life?

I'm an appliance dealer,
what's the big deal?

The big deal, Walter, is that
every day you're out there,

proving yourself,
testing yourself.

Honey, I-I have
seen you come home

dozens of times so excited,

because of-of some
business deal you'd pulled off.

I mean, you were walking
17 feet off the ground, Walter,

and I've always
been so happy for you.

And so, so jealous Walter,

that's a high I've never known.

I mean, and now I
finally have a chance

to stretch myself, Walter.

Oh, God, let me
have this one chance

to stretch my
mind, and my talent

and-and use them meaningfully,

at least let me
have that chance!

Is that asking too much?

Maybe, you're right, eh.

I don't know, maybe
I am being selfish

because I love you so much.

You know, maybe our
life has been so good

that I'm afraid to change it.

Oh,

Walter, you're so sweet.

Thank you, darling.

And you'll see, Walter,
everything is gonna work out.

(phone rings)

That's probably Albany calling.

I promised them I'd give
them my decision tonight.

(phone rings)

Hello? Yes, this is Maude.

Hello, Bob.

Carol, everybody,
it's Senator Myers.

- Oh, Senator Myers!
- Senator Myers.

What? How did I know it was you?

Oh, c'mon, I'd
recognize that deep,

basso profundo voice
of yours anywhere.

Eh? That's how you
recognized my voice?

(laughs)

You old basso, you.

Of course I talked it
over with my husband.

Here, I'll let him
tell you himself.

Hello, Senator Myers.

(laughs) Thank you.

Yeah, I know she's wonderful.

I know we can use
somebody like Maude in Albany

for the next two years.

So if she wants
to run, she can run.

But it's gonna be
over my dead body.

Walter!

That's no way to
speak to a Senator.

(all shouts) Quiet, quiet,
quiet. Quiet, please!

Bob, eh, no, what you just...

That noise you just heard
was a victory celebration, yes.

Eh, would you hold
on, just a moment, Bob?

How could you
do a thing like this?

Maude, if by some
miracle you get elected,

I couldn't handle
it. Not for two years.

I'd be a hypocrite, Maude.

Letting you run and
hoping you'd lose.

Then why don't you
root for me to win, Walter,

and hope that we
can work it out?

How?

With you up in Albany
and me here with a trophy

and Mrs. Naugatuck's kidneys?

Let me ask you, Maude.

Are you willing to risk
our marriage over this?

(shouts) I'll be right with you!

(calm voice) I mean,

I'll be right with you, Bob.

Walter, are you
telling me point-blank

that if I choose to run, our
marriage is going to end?

Oh, oh, he didn't mean
that. That's not what he...

- He didn't mean that.
- I don't know, Viv.

- He sounded pretty serious...
- (Maude) Oh! shut up!

Walter, is that
what you're saying?

Isn't that what you're
saying, Maude?

No, and you are not
saying it either, Walter.

You're bluffing, Walter.

Hello, Bob? Yeah, I
am sorry for the delay.

Listen, eh, Bob, could I, eh,

give you my answer tomorrow?

Oh, it has to be tonight.

Eh, Bob, the answer is yes.

I am going to run.

- (Walter) Damn!
- (Vivian and Arthur) Walter...

What? No, nothing happened,
nothing happened, Bob.

My husband just broke his Tucky.

♪ Cold duck, cold duck,
cold duck, cold duck ♪

(sniggers)

Maude, don't you think you're
hitting the Cold Duck too hard?

Vivian, you can never
hit a Cold Duck too hard.

You remember
that, Edgar Alan Poe.

Oh, I love him.

Mother, you should
settle this thing Walter,

instead of sitting
here drinking.

(Vivian) She's right.

I have never seen
Walter so furious.

Vivian, do you
remember that old toast

that we did at our Senior Prom?

Let's see.

Oh, fingers to fingers,

thumbs to thumbs,

eh...

Open the church and
there are the people.

I know, it doesn't rhyme now
but wait till the tide comes in.

(giggles)

Mmm.

I'm ready now.

No, but the important thing
is not to let Walter know

I'm concerned because
if he finds that out,

then he'll just, you know,
take advantage of me.

(Carol) Oh!

You thought I
stumbled. Didn't you?

Does old Maude know
how to break the tension,

or does old Maude know
how to break the tension?

Just another tension breaker.

(guffaws)

(Maude) So don't you
guys worry about a thing,

I'll have everything

straightened out.

Walt... Walter?

Walter, what's going on?

Walter?

Walter, come out!
I wanna talk to you.

(flushing)

Walter, all the
plumbing in the world

can't drown me out.

♪ Whistle while you work ♪

(whistles song)

(humming)

(whistling) ♪ Whistle
while you work. ♪

Walter, what are you doing?

I know, you're punishing me.

You put on that brown suit
because you know I hate it.

You know, I was thinking
about giving it to charity but...

But I didn't wanna
stir up a lot of bad will

down at Goodwill.

You get it, Walter? Bad will...

(guffaws) at Goodw...

You got it and
you don't like it.

Maude, this is serious.

You think I'm
bluffing, don't you?

I'm not!

All my things are
packed. I'm leaving.

All right, Walter.

That's the way you feel.

Go ahead and leave.

You gonna let me walk
outta here just like that?

Walter, you know, I'd
do anything in the world

not to have you leave.

Good, then change your mind.

You're right.

Maude, what are you doing?

You asked me to change my mind.

I had another one
in here someplace.

- Maude.
- Where are you little mind?

- Maude.
- I know you are here somewhere.

Maude!

What, Walter?

Oh, what's the use?
I'm all packed. Goodbye.

What'd you do with my clothes?

I ate them.

Walter,

you put that suitcase away

or I'm gonna swallow this key.

Walter, I mean it. I'm
gonna swallow this key.

You're gonna spend
the rest of your life

locked in a bedroom

with a woman whose
insides are slowly rusting.

Get your hands off my underwear.

Walter, we've been
together over 1600 nights.

This is the first time, you've
ever made this request of me.

Walter. Walter,
you can't do this.

You can't mean it. I
mean, this is ridiculous.

Walter, my new life...

only has meaning for me,
Walter, if I can share the challenge

and the excitement
of it with you, Walter.

Walter, I'm not
gonna let you leave.

I'm not gonna let you do
anything this impulsive.

Maude, get your
rump off my suitcase.

Rump?

Walter.

Is that what you...

call what I have, a rump?

Walter, I prefer
to think of it as a...

a fanny.

A tushy.

A rump? Not a
rump. Not yet, Walter.

Come here.

I said, I'm leaving!

Now, please get it through
your head that I mean it.

Boy.

You certainly know how
to sober a person up.

Walter, listen.

I don't blame you for not
wanting a 'weekend wife.'

So, I'll tell you what
we'll do, Walter.

Come with me and
open a store up in Albany.

What?

Well, I-I mean, it's a perfect
place to sell washing machines.

Where could you
find more dirty linen

than in our state capital?

What about my store here?

- Sell it.
- Sell it? Just like that?

25 years, right down the drain.

No way, Maude.

Maybe, that store isn't much,

but it represents my life.

Something that I'm proud of.

Something that I did.

Something that I
did all by myself!

Did you hear yourself, Walter?

Walter, do you hear
what you're saying?

I did it all by myself,

oh God, if only
once I could say that!

Look, I can't blame you
for what you wanna do.

I understand, sweetheart,

I really understand,

but...

but I can't live with it.

It's as simple as that.

I don't believe this.

I mean, this has to be
some kind of a dream,

this can't be happening to us.

Listen, Walter,

Walter, I have always tried
to be an understanding wife.

And I-I never thought
I'd have to say this to you,

but, Walter, you walk out
of here and so help me,

I'll flatten you.

Out of my way, Maude.

No, Walter, please.

Walter, we're-we're-we're two
same people who love each other.

Walter, can't we compromise?

I mean, meet me half way!

Half way between Tuckahoe
and Albany is Poughkeepsie,

and I don't wanna
live there either.

Walter, what in heaven's
name are you doing?

(Carol) Walter, what?

Exactly what it looks like.

(Carol and Vivian)
Oh, no! Walter!

Frankly, Walter, this is
not going to solve anything,

walking out like this.

And it certainly won't
help Maude's campaign

for people to learn that her
fourth marriage is on the ropes.

Are you kiddin'?

Tuckahoe is known as
'Alimony on the Hudson.'

I mean, they'll carry
her all the way to Albany

- on their shoulders.
- Listen, Walter,

why don't you come home
and sleep at our place?

You and I can
talk this thing over.

Yeah and Maude, I'll come
over and stay with you,

It'll be just like the good
old days at the sorority.

Thanks, Vivian,
but I'm in no mood

to sit around hoping
for a panty raid.

Walter,

do you really wanna
break up our marriage?

Maude, all it'll take to stop
me is one phone call to Albany.

Walter, I know I'm
not alone in this.

Carol?

Mother, a person has to do
what's right for that person.

And?

I can't take the responsibility
in making that decision for you.

Vivian, you
understand, don't you?

- Yes, I do, Maude.
- You see, Walter,

I am not alone.

I think your place is
with your husband.

Alone at last.

(Mrs. Naugatuck coughs)

Oh, this is terrific, this...

I mean... I mean, really,

isn't... isn't this terrific?

(smirks) You know,

when I was in
college with Vivian,

I wanted to go on and study Law,

but my parents were
hurting for money

so what little they had

they saved to send my kid
brother to graduate school.

They felt that he needed it
because after all he was a boy

and I was... I was a... a girl.

I don't know, it
seems all my life

there has always been
somebody else who came first.

The husband I love,

a daughter I adore,

and don't misunderstand me

because I never spent
one second resenting it.

But... I mean,

doesn't any one of you
want me to come first?

Just this once?

Oh, that's all
right, don't feel bad.

I mean, you can't help
thinking what you're thinking.

You all think I'm wrong.

I don't care, I... I ended up

working my way through college

and I'm gonna work
my way through this too,

because this is
something that...

I have to do for me.

So damn it, I'll
take you all on.

You, Walter, with a
slamming door between us,

you, Carol...

determined to make me
feel that I've made a mistake.

The two of you,
I'll take you all on.

Walter, I love you.

I love you too, Maude.

Oh, he'll be back, Carol.

He'll be back.

(theme song playing)