Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 7 - Walter's Dream - full transcript

When Walter and Arthur return from a Canadian fishing trip, Walter tells Maude he wants to move to Canada. He puts his appliance store up for sale. Maude is determined not to move.

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Vivian, will you
give me a break?

You've been standing in front
of the mirror for three hours.

But do I really look good?

You look marvelous,
very glamorous.

Sexy?

I mean... do you think Arthur
will go absolutely berserk



when he sees me again?

Maybe you'd better
use the mirror.

Well, I mean, I hope Arthur's
at least a little hungry for me.

Hungry? Well, I don't know
about Arthur's appetites.

But when Walter comes
home from this fishing trips,

he charges in like

he's Euell Gibbons and I
am a bowl of grape nuts.

Well, I mean I just hope
Arthur's at least the little

"pent-up."

Vivian, after 14 days in
the Canadian wilderness,

Arthur will be ready for
anything without antlers.

Maude, why is it that men
like to go off together so much?

I don't wanna know.

Maude, I don't wanna
sound indelicate but...

Do you think... Do you
think I look bosomy?

Vivian, you've been an adult
woman for quite a few years now.

Haven't you ever looked down?

Even accidentally?

But I put a little make-up

in my cleavage.

Vivian...

a good snowfall helps,

but it doesn't make
Switzerland look any bigger.

- That's them.
- They're back.

- That's them!
- They're back.

Oh, sweetheart. Oh
darling, I love you.

I love you.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Just a simple card on
Valentine's Day will do.

We thought you
were our husbands.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,

we haven't been with
them for two weeks.

Tell us honestly,
how do we look?

Like a pair of barracuda

waiting for a stray
cow to cross the river.

- Maude.
- That has to be them!

- Oh, oh.
- That has to be...

- Wait a minute.
- Oh, I see them.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- Oh, I see them.

- Vivian, wait a minute.
- It's them.

Vivian, Vivian, listen.

The way to play it is cool,

blasé, and a little distant.

Now get out of my way!

I want Walter to see me
as soon as he walks in.

Maude, Maude, do I look sexy?

Wet your lips.

Maude!

- Oh, Walter!
- Maude!

Walter!

- Well, girls, here we are!
- We're home.

Maude.

Maude, Maude, sweetheart!

Wait.

Walter, you look like
the Japanese soldier

who just found
out the war is over.

Arthur!

Arthur...

Do you have any idea how much
we spent on gasoline in Canada?

Disgraceful!

I'll figure it out for ya,
and I'll have it for ya.

Uh, look, Walter.

Why don't you and Arthur go
out and run through the sprinklers?

I am a man, Maude.

A man with mud on him!

Canadian mud!

Pure, natural, organic
soil from Canada!

It's dirt, Walter.

Imported, but still dirt.

And that's not all.

Look at that arm!

That's been smoked over pine.

A Canadian pine-smoked arm!

Ripped by a branch of a
big birch near brush creek!

Dollop of rosin from
a sweet gum tree.

A calling card dropped
by a wild speckled goose!

Ugh.

Maude, I know I'm raunchy,

but I can see how thrilled
you are to have me home.

Oh, yeah. Well, actually, I'm...

I'm overwhelmed!

So, after you scrape off

the top layers of mud and guano,

we'll celebrate.

Okay? We'll break
open a bottle of Air Wick.

You're right, Maude.

Come on, Arthur!
Let's go and wash up!

I got it!

$98 and 42 cents,
just for gasoline.

And they say
doctors are robbers.

And that's not even
counting the oil.

Walter!

Vivian.

Vivian, I think you're
going into shock.

Vivian, can you hear me?

It's... it's just that my
expectations were so high,

and then when Arthur
hardly even glanced at me...

Oh. Oh, come on, now.

Arthur is like cheap
French wine...

He doesn't travel well.

But this'll pass,

and all we can do is
just be sweet and patient

while they work
through their pattern.

What pattern?
What's gonna happen?

Well, let's see.

For example,
Walter will start by

enumerating the
things that he did.

You know, wonderfully exciting,

fascinating things like, um...

he picked up a rock.

And, uh, then
he'll catch a fish...

Oh, God, please don't let
him tell about catching that fish.

And then he'll say,

"We gotta move up
there, Maude. We gotta."

He'll say this every
day for a week

while I "smile."

That's our role when they come
back from these fishing trips...

Moronic Madonnas.

Maude!

Maude, guess what?

Maude!

Guess what?

I ate peas with a knife.

Twelve peas, Maude,
all on one knife.

Oh! An even dozen.

I am so proud of you, Walter.

And then, you know what?

I took that knife and
stuck it right into the table...

Fwack!

And it went... Wang,
wang, wang, wang!

Wang, wang, wang!

Oh, that's beautiful,
Walter... So outdoorsy!

Maude. Popeye Cling.

He owns the Moose Tooth Lodge.

Well, he wants to expand,

and he's willing to
take me as a partner.

Hey, Walter!

Did you tell 'em about
the poem I wrote up there?

Oh, Arthur! You wrote a poem.

Oh, not just a poem.

A classic.

An American outdoor classic.

I'm gonna go down with Kipling.

Holy mackerel... the
fish! Come on, Walter.

We gotta take the
heads off, filet 'em,

and get 'em in the freezer.

The fish, Maude, the fish!

Twelve months a
year eating fresh fish!

I'll catch 'em, and you gut 'em!

Think about that.

Why doesn't he say, "Hello?"

Vivian, you know New
Yorkers never say, "Hello."

Maude, do you think he'll
really go down with Kipling?

I hope so, Vivian.

And soon, for your sake.

Arthur!

Arthur, would you
please do me a favor

and go out and say
something to Vivian, please?

Vivian? Oh, oh, yeah, Vivian.

Yeah.

Oh, Vivian!

How thoughtless of me.

You wanted to hear my poem.

"I saw a cloud up in the sky.

"I wondered why.

"I wondered why.

"But it began to rain

"and with each drip,

"my soul was swabbed
by heaven's Q-tip."

Arthur, that's beautiful.

I know.

Vivian, I wrote that poem

with a piece of birch bark
and a stick of charcoal

and a flickering candle light.

And I love the make-up
in your cleavage.

It's tawny blush-on.

Helena Rubinstein.

Oh!

Oh!

I love these suburban orgies.

I can hardly wait
for my day off!

And... and then there's
this little shallow pool,

and everybody says,
"Oh, don't go over there.

You'll never catch
a fish over there."

One morning, I
just moseyed over.

You know me.

I didn't even have a pole.

I had a string and a hook

and a couple of
worms in my pocket.

I dropped the string into
this little shallow pool,

and bingo!

I caught the biggest
fish you ever saw.

Maude, the folks
around the lake,

they couldn't believe it.

Hank and Stony and Slim
and Duck and Perky and...

- Spud.
- Spud!

They threw us a big party
in their cabin that night.

The folks around the
lake sound... right friendly.

I'm serious this time, Maude.

I rapped with God up there.

And then this
miracle happened...

This deal with Popeye
Cling opened up.

I can sell my business
and invest in that lodge.

We gotta move up
there, Maude, we gotta!

Oh, Walter, please, not again!

There you go,
doing it to me again.

You've known for years

that I've had this need to
get out of this concrete jungle.

This stifling existence.

Keeping up with the Joneses.

But you don't care.

You're killing me, Maude.

You're killing me!

Well!

Walter, I have
two words for you...

Fwack!

Wang, wang, wang,
wang, wang, wang, wang!

Arthur, Walter would like
to see you in the kitchen.

Oh, and Arthur,

I love the Helena
Rubinstein on your cheek.

Vivian, this is the worst!

This is the worst!

I mean, it is bad enough

that I have to put up
with his little games

year after year after year,

but this time going
into partnership

with Mr. Bigfoot
at Lake Titicaca.

Do you know what I
ought to do this time?

Do you know what I ought to...

I ought to teach him a
lesson and call his bluff.

This time I should tell him,
"Yes, we'll sell the business."

Why don't you?

You are right,
Vivian. You are right!

I am going to tell him

that we are moving
up to the wilderness,

where our nearest
neighbors have four paws

and bury their
nuts in the winter.

He'll back down in a minute.

There's something else
I wanna tell you, Maude.

Oh, Walter, wait, wait.

I have something to say to you.

Walter, forgive me.

I didn't mean to
step on your dream.

Oh, Walter, how
could I have been

so thoughtless, so selfish,

to impose all this
comfort on you?

Walter,

I am going with you
to Loose Tooth Lodge.

Moose Tooth Lodge!

Stop humoring me, Maude!

I'm not, darling. Honestly.

But I'll tell you, we cannot
procrastinate, Walter.

We must strike
while the iron is hot.

Now, I'll tell you what
we're going to do.

Tomorrow morning, first thing,

I am going to put
the house up for sale.

You call Henry Jenkins.

You know, he's
been trying to buy

Findlay's Appliances for years.

Let's call Mr. Jenkins right now

and tell him you're
selling the store.

Uh, yeah, information?

Rego Park. Yes.

Jenkins, Henry.

No, I'm sorry.

I cannot look
through the directory.

I'm at an orgy,

and some clown is fogging
up my contact lenses.

Yes, I'll hold on.

No, Maude, no!

No, Walter?

Vivian, this might
be of interest to you.

It seems that Walter is
changing his mind again.

Walter, why won't
you let me call

Mr. Jenkins about the store?

Because I already did!

And he jumped at the chance!

Maude, we're gonna live
in the Canadian wilderness.

Walter. What?

You did it, Maude! You did it!

I told him it was a deal
if I could talk you into it.

But I didn't have to!

Arthur, wait till you hear!

Fwacked by my own,

wang, wang, wang,
wang, wang, wang.

Oh, it's just lovely.

And I'm crazy
about that kitchen.

Oh, Tom, let's buy this place.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm really getting good
vibes about this house.

I've always wanted a work bench
like you've got in the basement.

Oh, the work bench
doesn't go with the house.

Aw!

Well, what the heck!

What the heck?

I love the bar.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry,

the bar doesn't
go with the house.

We'll take the house.

You'll take the house?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, sure!

It's a Godsend to us.

After living in an apartment,

we've always wanted a
place with three bathrooms.

Oh, the bathrooms
don't go with it!

All right, I'll throw them in.

Are you sure you
wanna sell this house?

No!

I mean, yes!

Oh, I mean...

Oh... Now look, look.

We love this house.

I'll pay you any
reasonable amount.

Why don't you just call
us when you're ready?

All right.

I'm... I'm terribly sorry.

If I... If I seem upset,

it's just that my husband
and I are so eager

to get out of here.

I'll call you first
thing in the morning.

Oh, Maude.

Maude, you're not really gotta
go through with this, are you?

Uh, Maude, all
your roots are here.

Maude, you'll be throwing
away your entire life.

Look, Vivian.

Margaret Mead,

one of the world's greatest
anthropologists said that

we American wives
outlive our husbands

because we are so materialistic
that we kill them off early.

I figure this move to Canada

will add 5 years
to Walter's life,

take 10 off mine, average us out

and we'll die together.

I don't think that's what
Margaret Mead meant.

Oh, what the hell does she know?

To Henry Jenkins, the new owner,

janitor and head gofer
of Finlay Appliances.

Terrific!

To Walter Findlay,

the only guy I've ever known

that had the guts to grab
the impossible dream.

Come on, Arthur!

No, no, no. I mean it, Walter.

You'll be driving
a pick-up truck,

wearing thermal underwear,

feeding polar bears
taller than Maude.

Now that's living,
if you're careful.

Gee. Thanks, Arthur.

Oh, it's gonna be funny

having a Friendly Findlay's
without a Findlay, hey, Henry?

I'm not gonna have
that problem, Walter.

The first thing I'm gonna do

is change the name of the store.

What?

Henry, you'll be throwing
away 25 years of good will.

Henry, that store is known
all over the neighborhood

as Friendly Findlay's.

I always thought "Friendly
Findlay's" was hokey.

Yeah?

What are you gonna call it?

Jolly Jenkins.

Why didn't I think of that?

Well, I'll see you, uh...

I'll see you at the
lawyer's Thursday.

Oh, don't forget the going-away
party at Walter's tomorrow.

- Right, I'll see you then.
- See you there.

Jolly Jenkins.

Jolly jerk!

Imagine, changing the
name of Friendly Findlay's.

That man's throwing
away my immortality.

Walter, the Findlay name
may not be up in lights,

but it will always blink in
the hearts of those of us

you left behind.

You're right, Arthur.

Look at the hardware store
on the corner that was sold.

The guy put in 30 years
building that business,

and nobody ever forgot his name.

- Whose name?
- What's his name?

Oh, Joseph! Or...
or... or Jameson!

- Something like that.
- Right!

He spent all those
years and then he quit.

Yeah.

Moved to the Midwest
to run a chicken farm.

Gee, I wonder how he's doing.

Shot himself two years ago.

Couldn't stand the inactivity.

Friendly Findlay's.

That's not hokey.

Good night, Charlie!
Good night, Marian!

Thanks for coming by.

Now don't worry, Walter.

I'll keep the old store jumpin'.

Who cares?

Isn't Walter adorable
with that moose call?

He doesn't really
hunt moose though.

He just wants to move up
there and be accepted by them.

I'll be seeing you,
Walter. Good-bye.

Right. right.

Hey, Arthur!

Arthur makes his moose
call using only his hands.

If you could give milk,
Arthur, we'd take you along.

All right, while
you two are mating,

I'll get the coffee.

I'll help you, Maude.

We're really gonna
miss you, old buddy.

Just think... this time Friday,

you and Maudie will be up
there in the wilds of Canada,

livin' it up!

That's right!

Tomorrow you're
going to sign the papers,

and it's good-bye, store.

Yeah!

Your last hurrah
for this way of life.

You bet ya!

I don't wanna go!

Oh, Arthur! I love
you and Vivian!

I love my store.

Damn it!

I adore smog.

Walter!

Walter.

You're going to
Canada to be a man.

Men don't cry.

You're right, Arthur.

That wasn't the new me crying.

That was the old me.

I wouldn't be doing this
if I didn't really mean it.

Selling the business,
selling the house.

Doing what I'm doing to Maude.

I'm gonna love it up there
in that godforsaken country.

Oh, Vivian.

I'm gonna miss my kitchen so.

Good-bye, stove.

Good-bye, sink.

Good-bye, refrigerator.

I'll defrost you after
everyone's gone to bed,

and we can cry together.

Oh! Oh, Maude, Maude.

Oh, Maude, Maude.

Male ego.

Thank God, I'm wise
enough not to have any.

Poor Walter!

Arthur, what the hell
are you talking about?

Walter's scared.

Scared?

Arthur,

do you mean that after
all he put me through,

Walter is having second
thoughts at the last minute

and won't tell me?

Male pride and dignity.

The man's gone too far.

How could Tarzan tell Jane

that he fell out
of the tree house?

Arthur, Vivian, go home.

You don't wanna be here
to witness the carnage.

- What?
- Why?

Tarzan did not fall
out of that tree house.

Jane pushed him.

♪ The snow is snowing,
and I'm not going ♪

♪ And he can marry a moose ♪

Oh, Walter, honey,

I'm really looking forward
to going, aren't you?

Me? Are you kidding?

I'm dying to go.

Perhaps.

Of course,

we will miss Arthur and Viv,

and Carol and
little Phillip, but...

But, you know, the
wonderful thing is

I really can't think
of one good reason

for not going, can you?

Not one. Not one.

Oh!

- You burned yourself.
- Mmm.

- Maude, you burned your pinky.
- Oh, honey. It'll be all right.

Look, I just
happened to think...

If that happened up
there in the wilderness,

where would we get a band-aid?

I'd run down to the
corner drugstore.

Maude, the nearest
corner is 47 miles away.

That's all right. I love a
good jog in the morning.

Jog?

Maude, it's cold
and windy up there.

The North wind!

Your hair will look a mess.

Where would we
find a hairdresser?

There's no Mr. Billy.

Mr. Billy will fly up.

Mr. Billy always flies.

And if worse comes to
worse, I'll wash my own hair.

You know, through
a hole in the ice.

But, Maude!

Oh, besides, Walter,

I'll have my big,

strong, handsome,

North woods he-man
to take care of me.

It reminds me,
your gynecologist.

Where would we find one?

Not in the yellow pages.

The yellow pages are
only one page thick.

The Mounties will find us one.

The Mounties always
get their gynecologist.

I can't let you do this.

I'm just a selfish beast.

Indulging myself
for my own pleasure,

while forcing you
to leave behind

the things you hold most dear.

Your druggist,

Mr. Billy, your gynecologist.

Taking you away from the
things you love the most.

Findlay's Friendly Appliances.

Maude!

We're not going!

Oh, come on now, Walter.

I will not let you throw
away your lifelong dream

just because I happen to
be crazy about that store.

No, Maude. I've made up my mind.

I love you more than
my silly old dream.

We're not going,
and that's that.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, you're the most
unselfish man who ever lived.

It's my nature.

That is Arthur with that
ridiculous moose call.

I bet you thought I was
a moose, eh, Maudie?

Only the head, Arthur.

The other end is still a horse.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪