Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 6 - Lovers in Common - full transcript
Maude brags to Vivian that an old boyfriend still finds her attractive when she receives a card from him. It becomes a competition for his supposed affection when Vivian also gets a card from the same old boyfriend.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
- Hi, Viv.
- Oh, hi, Maude.
Oh. Oh Viv,
It's so sweet of you
to meet me for lunch.
Oh, oh, waiter. Two
champagne cocktails, please.
Oh, that's a good
idea, I could use one.
Oh, you want one too?
Waiter, make that three.
I must confess, Viv.
I had one before
I left the house.
Oh, to tell the truth. So did I.
Oh!
Oh, Viv, I'm going
out of my bird.
Oh, Viv, something happened.
And wouldn't you
know it would happen
on the one weekend in two
years that Walter is out of town.
Oh, but Maude, Arthur and Walter
just went away for
a weekend of golf,
they didn't elope.
If only they had, Viv.
- What?
- Oh.
- What?
- Vivian, if I'm incoherent...
it's because
an old flame has been rekindled
ever since this morning
when the mailman arrived.
The mailman?
Gee, Maude, isn't
he little old for you?
Vivian, you have
lovely, long eyelashes
but essentially you're dense.
Oh, Viv. Viv, I'm sorry
I spoke to you that
way. I love you, Viv.
And it hurts me to destroy you,
but...
Peter Durland.
Peter Durland?
Vivian, this morning,
out of the blue,
after all these years,
to find that I've been
thought of,
loved, Vivian,
after 17 years.
I don't believe it.
Oh, Vivian, now,
your brief affair
with Peter was meaningful.
Remember that,
Viv, hold on to it.
Brief affair?
My brief affair?
Maude, I was the
big love of his life.
Me! You were just a fling.
Vivian, I am trying to
be kind, so knock it off.
You're full of bull.
Vivian, I can
accept that comment
because I know it comes
from a heart that is broken.
But don't push it, or
you'll have a leg to match.
Oh, Vivian, you're
looking for your Kleenex.
You're going to cry.
Oh, waiter, three of the same.
Honey, I ordered
you another drink.
Haven't you found your Kleenex?
No, but I found what
I was looking for.
Postcard, Peter Durland.
Oh, he was... He was
always so thoughtful.
I mean... I mean, imagine,
sending you a card, too,
so that you wouldn't be hurt.
Ah, Peter Durland.
And you'll notice, Maude,
he wrote more on mine
than he did on yours.
Yes, but, Vivian,
did he say at the end,
"Oh, how the
ghost of you clings?"
Did he say that, Vivian?
- Yes, right here!
- Who cares, Viv?
I still have all the
love letters he sent me.
Now...
tell me about them, Vivian.
They came addressed
to "occupant," didn't they?
You were jealous of me
then and you're
jealous of me now.
Oh, come on.
Now, Vivi, I love you.
Let's not argue.
I mean, naturally, uh,
Peter is going
to see both of us.
But, of course,
he'll see me first.
Mmm.
Peter is going to be here today.
That's right.
Vivian, we're alone
for the weekend.
And temptation, a Greek God,
is winging its way
from Albuquerque.
If I remember accurately,
economy class...
He was a cheap Greek God.
Oh, no, Maude, he wasn't
cheap, he was poor...
Struggling to find himself.
Oh, don't you remember
how he used to paint
those black ink
spots on his ankles
so nobody would notice
the holes in his socks?
Oh, I remember, of course.
He was such a proud, sweet man.
I'll never forget the first
time he took off his socks,
and I saw those spotted ankles.
I ran into the kitchen
and boiled the silverware.
You know, I was the first woman
Peter felt he could
really depend on.
If he ever needed money,
he always came to me.
How much did you give him?
- 550.
- 650.
But he was worth it, wasn't he?
- Every dollar.
- Every last penny!
Ooh!
Oh, Vivian, I love Walter,
I love him, I love him,
and I'd... I'd give
my life for him.
But I'm two different people.
Part of me wants
to be a faithful wife
and look after my husband.
And the other part of
me yearns to experience
frenzied excitement again.
Oh, Vivian, I felt so wicked.
Wicked and shallow
and really super.
Oh, Vivian.
Vivian, the thought of
being alone with Peter is,
is terrifying.
- Listen...
- Oh!
Maude, look, we've
got to make a pact,
here and now.
We've got to promise we won't
be alone with him this weekend...
Only together.
-Marvelous idea, -Oh.
- Safety in numbers.
- Right.
We must only be
together, the two of us.
Let's shake on that.
Oh.
Oh, he loved my wrist bones.
He said I had sensuous wrists.
He said I had the sexiest
earlobes this side of heaven.
That's because he couldn't
think of anything nice
to say about your wrists.
Uh, buster!
I'll take these.
♪ I get no kick from champagne ♪
♪ Mere alcohol
doesn't thrill me at all ♪
♪ So tell me why
should it be true ♪
♪ That I get a kick out of you ♪
Let me have those...
No, no, no, I have them.
Just help me off with my
coat like a good little friend.
Uh, Mrs. Naugatuck, any calls?
Uh, only one from some lush
who told me to
chill some glasses.
Some lush. No, I mean
someone other than myself.
Hey, maybe he's
gonna call my house.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Vivian.
He's calling here.
Maude, I think your
sensuous wrists have swollen.
Then pull it off over my ankles.
Might I suggest, madam,
that you let go of the bottles?
Oh.
Oh, see?
Thank you, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Now you know why I keep her on.
Uh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
give me the glasses.
Oh, uh, and don't
bother about the fruit,
we brought our own.
Allow me, ma'am.
When I was with Lord
and Lady Heathrow,
I became quite an expert.
As we say in Jolly Old England,
you should go to a
pear tree for pears,
not an Elm.
How profound.
Vivian, am I drunk,
or is she demented?
Might I suggest, madam,
that you take a
jigger of olive oil
before you drink any more?
Oh.
And what titled royalty
gave you that little tip?
Well, some old wino
at the local post office.
Oh.
Oh, Peter, Peter, Peter. Oh!
Vivian, I will never forget
our last night together.
Oh, God, what emotion.
It was 1957
and the Yankees had
just lost the World Series
or whatever it is they lose.
The pain, the pain,
the bittersweet pain,
as he packed his clothes,
his socks, his
bottle of black ink.
With Peter and me,
it all started on the night
Milwaukee won the World Series.
- Pay attention, Vivian,
I'm talking!
- Oh.
We went to our restaurant,
and Peter ordered
snowballs for dessert,
vanilla ice cream floating
in a glass of Pernod.
He always did that with me, too,
what's the big deal?
Yes, but later,
Vivian, later, at home,
did he smear Pernod
on your wrists?
Then come after you
like an Irish setter?
You... wrists,
me... earlobes, remember?
Oh, Vivian, you're a pervert.
That was one of the
things he loved about me.
17 Years ago.
Good Lord, Maude, 17 years ago.
Hey, Maude, look at
me, look at my face.
Have I changed much?
Yes, Vivian.
Since lunch.
Did anybody ever tell
you you're a mean drunk?
That's one of the things
he loved about me.
Oh, Vivian, I've been
trying to prepare you.
I've been trying to prepare
you all afternoon for the fact
that Peter is coming
to see me, not you.
Hey, wait a minute,
did you say...
Did you say he
left you the night
- the Yankees lost
the World Series?
- Yes.
- In 1957?
- That is right.
But that's the night Milwaukee
won the World Series,
and that's the night
he came to me.
- That is a lie!
- Uh-uh.
The Yankees never
played Milwaukee!
Oh? Who'd they play?
The republic of Panama!
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
How the hell do I
know who they played?
What am I, a football fan?
It's impossible
that he went to you.
And, furthermore,
I refuse to share my champagne
with the neighborhood drunk.
Good. I'm leaving.
But first, I'm going
to tell you something
I did not tell you before
because I did not
want to hurt you.
Peter called me
last night, Maude.
Me, me, me, me!
Long distance,
person-to-person, collect!
He said he would be
checking into the
Ramada Inn tonight
and would call me as
soon as he got there.
Me, not you.
I don't believe that!
That is a vicious,
ridiculous lie!
And I would laugh
hysterically, hysterically...
except I can't get
my cheeks to move.
Oh, yes.
Well, now, let me tell
you this, Mrs. Finky,
I am now going.
I am going straight
to the Ramada Inn
where Peter awaits me.
And you will pound on that door!
You will pound on the door
until you get tennis elbow!
And, all the while, Peter
will be here with me.
He pitied you, that's all.
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
Get out of here!
You are a...
Jealous, evil-tempered witch
who cannot hold her liquor.
Cannot hold my liquor?
I'd like to see
you get it from me.
Good-bye.
Peter! Peter!
I am coming to you!
Peter! I am coming to you!
I am coming to you!
And let me tell you one thing!
If you want pears,
you go to a pear tree!
Because if you
go to an Elm tree,
then all you're going to
find there are other, uh...
Oh, go to hell!
♪
There'll be bluebirds over ♪
♪ the white cliffs of Dover... ♪
With all of 'em
birds flying over,
no wonder the
cliffs are so white.
No!
Oh, no.
Oh!
Oh, the pain.
The pain.
Oh!
What time is it?
1943.
9:30.
Oh, never again.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
I'm expecting someone,
I can't let him
see me like this.
Oh!
Mrs. Naugatuck, have
you been drinking?
Of course, madam.
The bottle was open
I haven't the heart to waste it
not with all of 'em
millions of alcoholics
dying of thirst in Europe.
Mrs. Naugatuck, you
must pull yourself together
and whip me up some
kind of a small miracle,
something halfway between, uh,
a laxative and an aphrodisiac.
I'll make enough for two of us.
And if it's any comfort, madam,
think of your poor
friend, Mrs. Harmon.
Friend?
I never wanna hear that
woman's name mentioned in...
Oh, mentioned in
this house again.
Oh, that treacherous,
tacky little woman
who has begun
hallucinating in her late 40s.
That's him.
That's him!
That's him.
I must go to the door.
I m...
Surprise!
Home is the sailor,
home from the sea.
Walter'll be along in a minute,
he just stopped
at the drugstore.
The golf tournament
was called off, rained out.
Where's Vivian?
Vivian... Vivian's
at home, isn't she?
No.
I figured she'd be
spending the night over here.
Poor dear. She can't
bear sleeping alone
- for even one night.
- Ain't that the truth?
No, Arthur, she's not here.
Well, then, where is she?
You are not going to
drag it out of me, Arthur.
Wild horses couldn't
get it out of me.
I wouldn't crack under
the Chinese water torture.
She's at the Ramada Inn.
What?
Arthur, 17 years ago,
Peter Durland.
No, she couldn't
have, she couldn't have.
A note! A note, Arthur!
Maybe she left a note. Go home.
- Uh, look near the telephone
on the kitchen table.
- Yes.
Go, Arthur, go.
Mrs. Naugatuck!
Mrs. Naugatuck, quickly...
Look up the address
of the Ramada Inn.
My eyes are not
functioning as a team tonight.
Rab, Rabbon,
Radcliff, Ragton,
Rainbow!
Julius Rainbow!
- What a curious name?
- Just look it up!
- Ugh.
- Oh, here we are!
Here we are...
the "Ramanda" Inn.
810, uh, Sycamore Road.
Oh, how could she?
How could she go to...
Oh, poor dear Arthur.
He needs the
sympathy of a friend.
- I'll go to him.
- Here we are, ma'am, here.
Oh. Oh.
Well, is it good night, then?
Oh.
Hello.
Mr. Julius Rainbow?
Wherever did you get
that curious name?
Wait a minute, hold on a minute.
Off 'em now. Off 'em...
Mr. Rainbow.
Did anybody ever tell you
that your voice sounds
exactly like the dial tone?
Ah!
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
where is Maude?
Oh, we just had the
most terrible fight tonight.
I've just been out walking
the streets, I feel so awful.
What... where... Where
did you say she was?
Well, she just
asked me to look up
the "Ramanda" Inn.
The Ramada Inn?
Yes, that's right,
the "Amanda" Inn.
I don't believe
you! You're lying!
You're lying!
Madam, I have references!
If anybody wants me,
I shall be in my room!
How could she? How could she?
Oh, good Lord, her husband.
Hi, Vivian.
- Maude!
- Walter, I want you to know
you're completely
justified in this.
Even with Peter Durland,
there's not a court in the world
that would hold you responsible.
Thank you, Vivian,
you've just made my day.
- Where's Maude?
- Want a hint? You want a hint?
She's at the Ramada Inn.
Vivian.
- Maude.
- Vivian.
- Vivian, did you go to...
- Oh, well, of course not!
- Did you? Did you?
- Oh.
- Well, of course not, Viv.
- You didn't?
- No.
- Really?
Oh, well, Maude, I'm
so happy to hear that.
- You didn't either.
- No.
- Oh, Vivian.
- Lollipop!
- I didn't know where you were.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Maudie said something
about the Ramada Inn.
She did?
And Vivian said you
were at the Ramada Inn.
She didn't.
- What is going on?
- And who's Peter Durland?
Yeah. Who is Peter Durland?
Peter, Peter Durland.
- You hear, Vivian?
- Yes.
They want to know
who's Peter Durland.
Tell them, Maude.
Peter. Well, Peter Durland...
If you really insist on knowing,
Peter Durland is a game.
- That's right, it's a game,
a fascinating new game.
- Yes.
"Peter Durland at
the Ramada Inn."
By Parker Brothers.
Come on, Arthur, I'll
buy you a cup of coffee.
How dare you tell my husband
that I was at the "Ramanda"
Inn with Peter Durland!
Well, what about you? You
told my husband the same thing!
Well, that's different. With
you it's totally unbelievable.
Hello, I'm Peter Durland.
Mr. Peter Moreland!
Maude!
- Vivian!
- Oh, Peter...
Oh, Vivian, do something
with yourself, you look a mess!
Oh, Peter, dear. Peter.
Maude, Maude.
You're more beautiful than ever.
Hello, Peter.
Vivian.
Vivian, I can't get over it!
It's as if time stood still.
Oh, Peter, what a
lovely thing to say.
Vivian, he's talking
about your dress.
Peter, Peter.
Peter.
Peter, Peter Durland!
From Parker Brothers.
You must be Walter.
That's right.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
I'd know that you were
Maude's husband anywhere.
It's your lion tamer's eyes!
He does have lion
tamer's eyes, you know.
Well, you'd need them
to be married to a vital
life force like Maude.
Lion tamer's eyes, no kidding?
- And you're Vivian's husband?
- Yeah.
Perfect!
Perfect form.
You have the eyes of a poet.
Amazing, not everybody
notices that at first.
You talk about amazing.
You know what a
coincidence this is?
I was dropping
by to see the girls,
never dreaming that I was
going to meet their husbands.
- Peter...
- And on this very day,
not one hour ago,
I got the news!
Well, there's a fortune in it!
What news?
Well, I don't wanna
bore you with all that.
- Vivian.
- No, no. Tell us, tell us.
Huh?
Well, what the hell?
Gentlemen, it is a silver mine
like you never dreamed!
Silver?
A real sil-sil-silver mine?
Silver?
A real sil-sil-silver mine?
Yes, yes! We just
hit this morning.
Uh, why don't we talk
about it over coffee?
And the great thing is,
all we need is $10,000
more to get into production.
- Is that all?
- Are you serious, Pete?
- Arthur and I can certainly...
- Now, now, now, now, now,
Chase Manhattan's been
begging me to commit...
Now, wait a second,
wait a second!
- Yeah, why not give us a shot?
- Yeah.
Uh, Peter. Peter,
you look wonderful.
And you, Maude...
Still the same great earlobes.
Now, there's...
The size of your fist...
God, he is old.
And he's shrunk.
I know those can't be his teeth.
Oh, I'm sure
that's not his hair.
He's beautiful, isn't he?
Gorgeous!
Did you see those eyes?
Did you see those socks?
Oh, that same sweet seediness.
Oh, Maude.
Oh, Viv, Viv.
Madam, you leave me no choice.
I'm giving notice unless I
have a room with a view.
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
- Hi, Viv.
- Oh, hi, Maude.
Oh. Oh Viv,
It's so sweet of you
to meet me for lunch.
Oh, oh, waiter. Two
champagne cocktails, please.
Oh, that's a good
idea, I could use one.
Oh, you want one too?
Waiter, make that three.
I must confess, Viv.
I had one before
I left the house.
Oh, to tell the truth. So did I.
Oh!
Oh, Viv, I'm going
out of my bird.
Oh, Viv, something happened.
And wouldn't you
know it would happen
on the one weekend in two
years that Walter is out of town.
Oh, but Maude, Arthur and Walter
just went away for
a weekend of golf,
they didn't elope.
If only they had, Viv.
- What?
- Oh.
- What?
- Vivian, if I'm incoherent...
it's because
an old flame has been rekindled
ever since this morning
when the mailman arrived.
The mailman?
Gee, Maude, isn't
he little old for you?
Vivian, you have
lovely, long eyelashes
but essentially you're dense.
Oh, Viv. Viv, I'm sorry
I spoke to you that
way. I love you, Viv.
And it hurts me to destroy you,
but...
Peter Durland.
Peter Durland?
Vivian, this morning,
out of the blue,
after all these years,
to find that I've been
thought of,
loved, Vivian,
after 17 years.
I don't believe it.
Oh, Vivian, now,
your brief affair
with Peter was meaningful.
Remember that,
Viv, hold on to it.
Brief affair?
My brief affair?
Maude, I was the
big love of his life.
Me! You were just a fling.
Vivian, I am trying to
be kind, so knock it off.
You're full of bull.
Vivian, I can
accept that comment
because I know it comes
from a heart that is broken.
But don't push it, or
you'll have a leg to match.
Oh, Vivian, you're
looking for your Kleenex.
You're going to cry.
Oh, waiter, three of the same.
Honey, I ordered
you another drink.
Haven't you found your Kleenex?
No, but I found what
I was looking for.
Postcard, Peter Durland.
Oh, he was... He was
always so thoughtful.
I mean... I mean, imagine,
sending you a card, too,
so that you wouldn't be hurt.
Ah, Peter Durland.
And you'll notice, Maude,
he wrote more on mine
than he did on yours.
Yes, but, Vivian,
did he say at the end,
"Oh, how the
ghost of you clings?"
Did he say that, Vivian?
- Yes, right here!
- Who cares, Viv?
I still have all the
love letters he sent me.
Now...
tell me about them, Vivian.
They came addressed
to "occupant," didn't they?
You were jealous of me
then and you're
jealous of me now.
Oh, come on.
Now, Vivi, I love you.
Let's not argue.
I mean, naturally, uh,
Peter is going
to see both of us.
But, of course,
he'll see me first.
Mmm.
Peter is going to be here today.
That's right.
Vivian, we're alone
for the weekend.
And temptation, a Greek God,
is winging its way
from Albuquerque.
If I remember accurately,
economy class...
He was a cheap Greek God.
Oh, no, Maude, he wasn't
cheap, he was poor...
Struggling to find himself.
Oh, don't you remember
how he used to paint
those black ink
spots on his ankles
so nobody would notice
the holes in his socks?
Oh, I remember, of course.
He was such a proud, sweet man.
I'll never forget the first
time he took off his socks,
and I saw those spotted ankles.
I ran into the kitchen
and boiled the silverware.
You know, I was the first woman
Peter felt he could
really depend on.
If he ever needed money,
he always came to me.
How much did you give him?
- 550.
- 650.
But he was worth it, wasn't he?
- Every dollar.
- Every last penny!
Ooh!
Oh, Vivian, I love Walter,
I love him, I love him,
and I'd... I'd give
my life for him.
But I'm two different people.
Part of me wants
to be a faithful wife
and look after my husband.
And the other part of
me yearns to experience
frenzied excitement again.
Oh, Vivian, I felt so wicked.
Wicked and shallow
and really super.
Oh, Vivian.
Vivian, the thought of
being alone with Peter is,
is terrifying.
- Listen...
- Oh!
Maude, look, we've
got to make a pact,
here and now.
We've got to promise we won't
be alone with him this weekend...
Only together.
-Marvelous idea, -Oh.
- Safety in numbers.
- Right.
We must only be
together, the two of us.
Let's shake on that.
Oh.
Oh, he loved my wrist bones.
He said I had sensuous wrists.
He said I had the sexiest
earlobes this side of heaven.
That's because he couldn't
think of anything nice
to say about your wrists.
Uh, buster!
I'll take these.
♪ I get no kick from champagne ♪
♪ Mere alcohol
doesn't thrill me at all ♪
♪ So tell me why
should it be true ♪
♪ That I get a kick out of you ♪
Let me have those...
No, no, no, I have them.
Just help me off with my
coat like a good little friend.
Uh, Mrs. Naugatuck, any calls?
Uh, only one from some lush
who told me to
chill some glasses.
Some lush. No, I mean
someone other than myself.
Hey, maybe he's
gonna call my house.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Vivian.
He's calling here.
Maude, I think your
sensuous wrists have swollen.
Then pull it off over my ankles.
Might I suggest, madam,
that you let go of the bottles?
Oh.
Oh, see?
Thank you, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Now you know why I keep her on.
Uh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
give me the glasses.
Oh, uh, and don't
bother about the fruit,
we brought our own.
Allow me, ma'am.
When I was with Lord
and Lady Heathrow,
I became quite an expert.
As we say in Jolly Old England,
you should go to a
pear tree for pears,
not an Elm.
How profound.
Vivian, am I drunk,
or is she demented?
Might I suggest, madam,
that you take a
jigger of olive oil
before you drink any more?
Oh.
And what titled royalty
gave you that little tip?
Well, some old wino
at the local post office.
Oh.
Oh, Peter, Peter, Peter. Oh!
Vivian, I will never forget
our last night together.
Oh, God, what emotion.
It was 1957
and the Yankees had
just lost the World Series
or whatever it is they lose.
The pain, the pain,
the bittersweet pain,
as he packed his clothes,
his socks, his
bottle of black ink.
With Peter and me,
it all started on the night
Milwaukee won the World Series.
- Pay attention, Vivian,
I'm talking!
- Oh.
We went to our restaurant,
and Peter ordered
snowballs for dessert,
vanilla ice cream floating
in a glass of Pernod.
He always did that with me, too,
what's the big deal?
Yes, but later,
Vivian, later, at home,
did he smear Pernod
on your wrists?
Then come after you
like an Irish setter?
You... wrists,
me... earlobes, remember?
Oh, Vivian, you're a pervert.
That was one of the
things he loved about me.
17 Years ago.
Good Lord, Maude, 17 years ago.
Hey, Maude, look at
me, look at my face.
Have I changed much?
Yes, Vivian.
Since lunch.
Did anybody ever tell
you you're a mean drunk?
That's one of the things
he loved about me.
Oh, Vivian, I've been
trying to prepare you.
I've been trying to prepare
you all afternoon for the fact
that Peter is coming
to see me, not you.
Hey, wait a minute,
did you say...
Did you say he
left you the night
- the Yankees lost
the World Series?
- Yes.
- In 1957?
- That is right.
But that's the night Milwaukee
won the World Series,
and that's the night
he came to me.
- That is a lie!
- Uh-uh.
The Yankees never
played Milwaukee!
Oh? Who'd they play?
The republic of Panama!
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
How the hell do I
know who they played?
What am I, a football fan?
It's impossible
that he went to you.
And, furthermore,
I refuse to share my champagne
with the neighborhood drunk.
Good. I'm leaving.
But first, I'm going
to tell you something
I did not tell you before
because I did not
want to hurt you.
Peter called me
last night, Maude.
Me, me, me, me!
Long distance,
person-to-person, collect!
He said he would be
checking into the
Ramada Inn tonight
and would call me as
soon as he got there.
Me, not you.
I don't believe that!
That is a vicious,
ridiculous lie!
And I would laugh
hysterically, hysterically...
except I can't get
my cheeks to move.
Oh, yes.
Well, now, let me tell
you this, Mrs. Finky,
I am now going.
I am going straight
to the Ramada Inn
where Peter awaits me.
And you will pound on that door!
You will pound on the door
until you get tennis elbow!
And, all the while, Peter
will be here with me.
He pitied you, that's all.
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
Get out of here!
You are a...
Jealous, evil-tempered witch
who cannot hold her liquor.
Cannot hold my liquor?
I'd like to see
you get it from me.
Good-bye.
Peter! Peter!
I am coming to you!
Peter! I am coming to you!
I am coming to you!
And let me tell you one thing!
If you want pears,
you go to a pear tree!
Because if you
go to an Elm tree,
then all you're going to
find there are other, uh...
Oh, go to hell!
♪
There'll be bluebirds over ♪
♪ the white cliffs of Dover... ♪
With all of 'em
birds flying over,
no wonder the
cliffs are so white.
No!
Oh, no.
Oh!
Oh, the pain.
The pain.
Oh!
What time is it?
1943.
9:30.
Oh, never again.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
I'm expecting someone,
I can't let him
see me like this.
Oh!
Mrs. Naugatuck, have
you been drinking?
Of course, madam.
The bottle was open
I haven't the heart to waste it
not with all of 'em
millions of alcoholics
dying of thirst in Europe.
Mrs. Naugatuck, you
must pull yourself together
and whip me up some
kind of a small miracle,
something halfway between, uh,
a laxative and an aphrodisiac.
I'll make enough for two of us.
And if it's any comfort, madam,
think of your poor
friend, Mrs. Harmon.
Friend?
I never wanna hear that
woman's name mentioned in...
Oh, mentioned in
this house again.
Oh, that treacherous,
tacky little woman
who has begun
hallucinating in her late 40s.
That's him.
That's him!
That's him.
I must go to the door.
I m...
Surprise!
Home is the sailor,
home from the sea.
Walter'll be along in a minute,
he just stopped
at the drugstore.
The golf tournament
was called off, rained out.
Where's Vivian?
Vivian... Vivian's
at home, isn't she?
No.
I figured she'd be
spending the night over here.
Poor dear. She can't
bear sleeping alone
- for even one night.
- Ain't that the truth?
No, Arthur, she's not here.
Well, then, where is she?
You are not going to
drag it out of me, Arthur.
Wild horses couldn't
get it out of me.
I wouldn't crack under
the Chinese water torture.
She's at the Ramada Inn.
What?
Arthur, 17 years ago,
Peter Durland.
No, she couldn't
have, she couldn't have.
A note! A note, Arthur!
Maybe she left a note. Go home.
- Uh, look near the telephone
on the kitchen table.
- Yes.
Go, Arthur, go.
Mrs. Naugatuck!
Mrs. Naugatuck, quickly...
Look up the address
of the Ramada Inn.
My eyes are not
functioning as a team tonight.
Rab, Rabbon,
Radcliff, Ragton,
Rainbow!
Julius Rainbow!
- What a curious name?
- Just look it up!
- Ugh.
- Oh, here we are!
Here we are...
the "Ramanda" Inn.
810, uh, Sycamore Road.
Oh, how could she?
How could she go to...
Oh, poor dear Arthur.
He needs the
sympathy of a friend.
- I'll go to him.
- Here we are, ma'am, here.
Oh. Oh.
Well, is it good night, then?
Oh.
Hello.
Mr. Julius Rainbow?
Wherever did you get
that curious name?
Wait a minute, hold on a minute.
Off 'em now. Off 'em...
Mr. Rainbow.
Did anybody ever tell you
that your voice sounds
exactly like the dial tone?
Ah!
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
where is Maude?
Oh, we just had the
most terrible fight tonight.
I've just been out walking
the streets, I feel so awful.
What... where... Where
did you say she was?
Well, she just
asked me to look up
the "Ramanda" Inn.
The Ramada Inn?
Yes, that's right,
the "Amanda" Inn.
I don't believe
you! You're lying!
You're lying!
Madam, I have references!
If anybody wants me,
I shall be in my room!
How could she? How could she?
Oh, good Lord, her husband.
Hi, Vivian.
- Maude!
- Walter, I want you to know
you're completely
justified in this.
Even with Peter Durland,
there's not a court in the world
that would hold you responsible.
Thank you, Vivian,
you've just made my day.
- Where's Maude?
- Want a hint? You want a hint?
She's at the Ramada Inn.
Vivian.
- Maude.
- Vivian.
- Vivian, did you go to...
- Oh, well, of course not!
- Did you? Did you?
- Oh.
- Well, of course not, Viv.
- You didn't?
- No.
- Really?
Oh, well, Maude, I'm
so happy to hear that.
- You didn't either.
- No.
- Oh, Vivian.
- Lollipop!
- I didn't know where you were.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Maudie said something
about the Ramada Inn.
She did?
And Vivian said you
were at the Ramada Inn.
She didn't.
- What is going on?
- And who's Peter Durland?
Yeah. Who is Peter Durland?
Peter, Peter Durland.
- You hear, Vivian?
- Yes.
They want to know
who's Peter Durland.
Tell them, Maude.
Peter. Well, Peter Durland...
If you really insist on knowing,
Peter Durland is a game.
- That's right, it's a game,
a fascinating new game.
- Yes.
"Peter Durland at
the Ramada Inn."
By Parker Brothers.
Come on, Arthur, I'll
buy you a cup of coffee.
How dare you tell my husband
that I was at the "Ramanda"
Inn with Peter Durland!
Well, what about you? You
told my husband the same thing!
Well, that's different. With
you it's totally unbelievable.
Hello, I'm Peter Durland.
Mr. Peter Moreland!
Maude!
- Vivian!
- Oh, Peter...
Oh, Vivian, do something
with yourself, you look a mess!
Oh, Peter, dear. Peter.
Maude, Maude.
You're more beautiful than ever.
Hello, Peter.
Vivian.
Vivian, I can't get over it!
It's as if time stood still.
Oh, Peter, what a
lovely thing to say.
Vivian, he's talking
about your dress.
Peter, Peter.
Peter.
Peter, Peter Durland!
From Parker Brothers.
You must be Walter.
That's right.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
I'd know that you were
Maude's husband anywhere.
It's your lion tamer's eyes!
He does have lion
tamer's eyes, you know.
Well, you'd need them
to be married to a vital
life force like Maude.
Lion tamer's eyes, no kidding?
- And you're Vivian's husband?
- Yeah.
Perfect!
Perfect form.
You have the eyes of a poet.
Amazing, not everybody
notices that at first.
You talk about amazing.
You know what a
coincidence this is?
I was dropping
by to see the girls,
never dreaming that I was
going to meet their husbands.
- Peter...
- And on this very day,
not one hour ago,
I got the news!
Well, there's a fortune in it!
What news?
Well, I don't wanna
bore you with all that.
- Vivian.
- No, no. Tell us, tell us.
Huh?
Well, what the hell?
Gentlemen, it is a silver mine
like you never dreamed!
Silver?
A real sil-sil-silver mine?
Silver?
A real sil-sil-silver mine?
Yes, yes! We just
hit this morning.
Uh, why don't we talk
about it over coffee?
And the great thing is,
all we need is $10,000
more to get into production.
- Is that all?
- Are you serious, Pete?
- Arthur and I can certainly...
- Now, now, now, now, now,
Chase Manhattan's been
begging me to commit...
Now, wait a second,
wait a second!
- Yeah, why not give us a shot?
- Yeah.
Uh, Peter. Peter,
you look wonderful.
And you, Maude...
Still the same great earlobes.
Now, there's...
The size of your fist...
God, he is old.
And he's shrunk.
I know those can't be his teeth.
Oh, I'm sure
that's not his hair.
He's beautiful, isn't he?
Gorgeous!
Did you see those eyes?
Did you see those socks?
Oh, that same sweet seediness.
Oh, Maude.
Oh, Viv, Viv.
Madam, you leave me no choice.
I'm giving notice unless I
have a room with a view.
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪