Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 5 - Speed Trap - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

No, it's a dirty trick.

- Oh, no, isn't.
- It is.

- I like dirty.
- It's a dirty, rotten,
miserable trick.

No, it isn't, Maude.

Come on, for crying out loud.
It's 5 O' clock in the morning.

What do you want to do? Wake
up the whole neighborhood?



Yes.

Attention, neighborhood!

Walter Findlay
is leaving his wife

so he can unwind in the woods.

With you in the house,

I don't blame him.

Knock it off, Greenblatt.

Well, so much for
the 5 O'clock news.

I don't care.

When we finally get
a three day weekend,

and what do you do?
You go off with Arthur.

Maude, what's wrong
with my spending

a couple of days
away in Vermont?

A vacation from the
demands of marriage.

"The demands of marriage"?

Top of the morning
to you, Walter!

- Good morning, buttercup.
- Oh, dry up, Arthur.

Well, old buddy,

Maude's nephew's
camper is all packed

- and I'm raring to go!
- Woo hoo!

Here, Arthy. You
forgot your worms.

Oh, good work, Vivian.

I wouldn't want to
forget these babies.

I got them wholesale.

Wholesale?

Yeah, I got a friend in worms.

- Oh.
- Bye, Maude!

Walter, you're gonna
be gone for three days.

Aren't even going
to kiss me goodbye?

The next time you
kiss me like that,

I'll be facing the
other direction.

And tying my shoe.

Well, they're gone.

They've left us.

Viv, this is going to be
the most rotten weekend

we've ever had.

Our husbands desert us,

everything on
television is a rerun,

it's gonna be a
complete disaster.

Oh, let's face it, Viv.

There's only one
thing that two lonely,

desperate women
like ourselves can do

in a situation like this.

What?

Go off our diets.

Mmm, hmm.

- Oh, boy.
- Mmm, hmmm.

This is some lunch. Huh, Viv?

- Mmm, hmm.
- I'll say.

This is almost better than sex.

- Mmm.
- Almost?

- Uh Huh.
- Wait till you taste this.

- Yeah?
- I see what you mean.

- Oh.
- Yum.

Now, the thing that
drives me crazy, Viv,

is why we are cooped
up in this house with...

Where's the drawn butter?

Huh?

Vivian, there is no
more drawn butter.

- It is.
- No more drawn butter!

- Here, easy, easy, easy.
- Oh.

While we are sitting here,
cooped up, with nothing to do.

- Uh huh.
- Boy, that really
gave me a start.

Those two clowns
are out on that lake,

having a time of their lives.

Laughing, joking.

Gentlemen, welcome to
the homiest jail in Vermont.

- Oh.
- Will you shut up, Arthur?

Walter, I resent your attitude.

You're the one who
was speeding, you know?

Speeding? I was only
going four miles over the limit.

Well, four miles over is
four miles over, Walter.

- That's the law.
- That's right.

Oh, sure, go
ahead. Take his side.

Now, please. Don't, don't yell.

I don't like yelling.

Up here in Vermont,
we don't yell.

And you talk slower.

And once in a
while, you throw in

one of those good old
New England expressions,

like, "Ay, up".

Now, could you wait a minute?

Now, look, all we did was
come up here to do a little fishing.

And ever since we did
that, all we've had is trouble.

- Now, please, please.
- Now, come on.

Will you get on with it? We
need to get back on the way.

- Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.
- Walter.

Leave me alone, Arthur!

Ay, up, you know. Tempo. Tempo.

Where we come from...

Pal, I know all about
where you come from.

It's the same place
I ran away from.

New York, right?

- You know why I left?
- Hmm?

Listen, the traffic, the
smog, the crowd, the noise.

What? What the...

The delis, the pollution.

The subways, the buses.

But what the
hell has that got...

And to be perfectly succinct,

to get away from
loudmouths like you.

Mouth, officer, mouth.
I'm on your side.

You got no gripes coming
about this ticket here.

I mean, we're the best known
speed trap in New England.

I mean, we were even
mentioned by the automobile club.

Now, all you gotta do
is post a fifty dollar bond,

and you can go home.
Now let me see your license.

I don't have my license.

I'll forget you said that.
Have you got the fifty dollars?

No.

Ay, up. Well, it's gonna
be one of those days.

Well, it's all
this idiot's fault.

- Idiot?
- Well, look.

You took all of our valuables
and put 'em in a knapsack.

And now they're all at the
bottom of Lake Willoughby.

That's the thanks I get for
saving him from drowning.

All right, just pipe down now.

I saved you from drowning.

Who was the one that left
the heater on in the tent?

And who put the heater
next to the plastic bucket?

And who stood up in
the boat and screamed

"The tent's on fire" and
tipped the canoe over?

You, you dummy! It was you!

My brother-in-law put
you up to this, right?

He sent you two up
here, to get even with me,

for having a sister
who turned to fat, right?

Well, look, Officer.

As soon as we get home,
we'll send you a check.

Hmm?

Honest Injun, swear on a pigeon.

That's funny. Yeah,
that's very funny.

As a matter of
fact, it's so funny,

I'm gonna let you
try it out on the judge

at 8 O' clock tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning?

I'm not spending any time in
any crummy motel around here.

Do you think I'd let you
gentlemen spend any time

in any crummy motel around here?

No. Not on your life.

- Oh, thank you.
- In the clink.

- If you don't mind.
- I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

Oh, please believe it.

My reputation as a
crime fighter is at stake.

Now, Officer, look.

Obviously, there's been some
little misunderstanding here.

You see, I'm a doctor.

- Dr. Arthur Harmon.
- Ah.

And this is my
friend, Walter Findlay.

He is a well known
appliance dealer.

Oh, well, well.

Well, then, then,
tell me something.

If you're, if you're such a
big deal appliance dealer,

and, and you're a
doctor, then how come,

how come, you're driving
a '59 Volkswagen camper

with naked ladies
painted on the side?

- We borrowed it from
my wife's nephew.
- Yeah.

Who is a hippy.

He is not.

You see, being a doctor,
naturally, I drive a Cadillac.

Which is why your patients
have to take the bus.

Now, wait a minute, Officer.

I can call my wife, and
she'll wire you the money.

You know everyone's
entitled to one phone call.

And they always
allow it on Kojak.

All right.

All right, just one.
But make it short.

Sometimes somebody
calls the police.

Wait a minute,
Walter, wait a minute.

Who are you gonna call?

Room service. Who
do you think I'm calling?

- Maude!
- Oh, I say we call Vivian.

I'm using the phone,
and I'm calling Maude.

- All right, supposing she's out?
- Eh?

You could get Carol, or Philip.

You want to ask a ten
year old boy for bail?

Oh.

Now. We call my house.

We get one person
and one person only.

And that one person is Vivian.

Okay, Arthur.

For once you're
making a little sense.

Hello.

I'm Vivian Harmon
and this is a recording.

Arthur's gone fishing,

and I'm spending the
weekend at Maude's.

Please wait for the beep

and then leave your message.

Mmm. Just hit the spot.

- I'd like to hit a spot.
- Ah?

I'd like to hit
Walter's bald spot.

- You know what bugs me?
- Hmm?

While we are here compensating

for their absence
by eating and eating,

pass me the moo goo gai pan,

the minute Walter
comes off that lake,

I know he's gonna run
to the nearest telephone

and call me to say,

"Maude, I'm having
the time of my life."

Oh.

Huh? Here he is. There he is.

- Give me a little maki.
- Yeah.

Hello?

Yes, Walter, I know.

You're having the
time of your life.

Go kiss a fish.

She hung up.

Okay, Kojak. You
had your phone calls.

Let's go, get in.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

I'm not going to spend any
time in a crummy jail around here.

- Oh. Come on, now,
wait a minute!
- Come on, let's go.

You know, you're really
asking for it, Walter.

The way you're behaving.

I know you're just
doing your duty.

Say, why don't we just
10-4, 4-40, whatever that is?

Well, that's, that's good,
because you'll forgive me,

because I forgot that
since tomorrow is Sunday,

the judge won't be
here for two days.

- Hold it, hold it!
- Two days? This is an outrage!

- Come on!
- You can't do this to us.

Hold it. Hold it.
Where you goin'?

To move your camper.

Our rights!

You didn't read us our rights.

I demand to know my rights.

Well, you're not
under arrest yet.

You don't have any rights.

Well, we'll see about that.

He can't treat us like your
average common criminal.

Who are you?

Your average common criminal.

Say, you gentlemen
are not going to make

too much noise, are ya?

I'm, uh, composin' my memoirs.

By George,

extraordinary what these
things are like, isn't it?

I never thought much about it.

Ha.

There once was a
girl from Nantucket,

Whose...

Hey, you like poetry? I
got a sonnet over here.

Officer, officer!

There's some absolutely
shocking language...

Hey look, hey look, pal.

-If you're a doctor the way
you say you are, -Yeah?

Then you should be
able to tell me what this is.

Well, let me see.

Yes, yes. I, uh, I'm
experienced with this.

Uh, purely from a clinical
point of view, of course.

Uh, that's cannabis.

Mmm, hmm. Is what?

Commonly known as pot.

Well, then, what was this
doing under the seat of your car?

You must be making a mistake.

I mean, for crying out
loud, that's not our stuff.

Uh, wait a minute.

That must have been in my
nephew's van from before.

Of course, Officer, of course.
I'm a prominent physician.

It couldn't possibly be mine.

It's gonna be an
interesting trial.

Now is there anything I
can get you gentlemen

to help while away the time?

Cards? Magazines?

Five year calendar?

- Five years?
- Oh my! Five?

Don't you realize that
we've been busted, Arthur?

I mean, what are we going to do?

You know what the
judge could give us

for one lousy
marijuana cigarette?

Well, if it's good stuff,

about two and a half bucks.

Arthur, do you realize
we're in terrible trouble?

A kid in Texas got
twenty five years

for one lousy
marijuana cigarette.

Twenty five years?

How long was the cigarette?

Now, don't panic,
Walter. Don't panic.

Nothing like that is
going to happen to us.

Why not? Because you say so?

Officer, officer.

Officer!

You're never going to find
a cop when you want one.

Office, officer.

Hey, Findlay, Harmon.
Please, now my...

My marriage counselor tells me

I have a very low
tolerance level.

I want to make one more
phone call to my wife, please.

- Please!
- All right, all right. Hold on.

But I, I really think it
would be much kinder

to let the poor woman
enjoy these few years alone.

Hey fella.

What are you whittling there?

A gu-gu-gun?

No, man.

I'm non-violent.

I'm whittlin' a key.

Oh.

Well, I had just
wanted you to know

that we're not actual criminals.

- This is all a big mistake.
- Huh.

Actually, I'm a very
prominent doctor

and he's-he's a well
known appliance dealer.

Oh yeah?

Well, I'm the society editor
for the New York Times.

I'm just checking this place out

as a personal favor
for Truman Capote.

Please don't argue, Philip.

I know I should've used
my one call to call my lawyer.

Philip, I know they
always do that on Kojak.

Look, just remember to
give Maude that number

as soon as she gets
home from Colonel Sanders.

I'm going to be in jail
for the rest of my life

and she's getting
a bucket of crunch.

It's no use, Arthur.

It's no use.

They're gonna
throw away the key.

We're nobodies.

Nameless, faceless nobodies!

♪ Nobody knows
the trouble I've seen ♪

I must say, you don't handle
pressure very well, Walter.

Now, there must be some
reasonable way out of this thing.

Maybe our convict
friend here can help us.

Let me. I know the lingo.

Hey, sweetheart.

Uh...

What've they got you
in the big house for?

Well, I'm in for
what you might call

"Black Evolution".

My great grand daddy
was an immigrant.

My daddy was a migrant.

And I'm a vagrant.

The man is a third
generation bum, Walter.

Well, now, in reality

the only difference
me and you gentlemen

is a little matter of speed.

You were going
through town too fast,

and I wasn't going fast enough.

Say, pal, as a convict
with some experience,

- Uh huh.
- How would you go about

getting out of here
if you were us?

Well,

You could write a
letter to Gerry Ford.

He's pardonin'
everybody these days.

I don't think
that's very helpful.

No. No. Well,

- you could take
this cup here, see?
- Hmm.

- And run it across the bars.
- Yeah?

And yell,

and scream and
rip up everything.

That's what the newspapers
call "Prison Revolt".

We call it
"Recreational Therapy".

That's ridiculous.

I couldn't do a thing like that.
You don't seem to understand.

I'm a doctor, a
prominent doctor.

Uh huh.

Well, what I'm trying to
tell you, prominent doc,

is there ain't nothing
we three bums can do.

We're in here as long as
The Man wants to keep us.

Look, friend, uh,

we are in a slightly different
position than you are.

- Uh huh.
- You see, you're, uh, different.

No, that's not quite
what I mean to say.

- Arthur.
- You see, you're black.

- You're used to injustice.
- Oh.

Look, he didn't
mean that either.

No?

He is pretty close there.

Arthur, don't you
see what he's saying?

In here we're all the same.

I could just as well be you,

you could just as well be him,

or he could just as well be you.

Well, he'd certainly be
getting the best of that deal.

Arthur, how can you be so thick?

We're behind bars! All of us.

We're liable to be making
our own license plates

for the next ten years.

Oh, that's ridiculous, Walter!

That is ridiculous.

We're innocent. We
don't belong here.

And I happen to believe
our penal system works.

No, it don't.

Well, look at it. It
don't even have a seat.

Gentlemen.

I, I have some
disquieting news for you.

See, I just realized that we're
now dealing with a felony.

So you're going to have to
be seeing Judge Sweeney.

Oh, yeah? The Hanging Judge?

The Hanging Judge?

Well, he, should be, uh,

able to get your case on the
docket in two or three weeks.

Two or three weeks?

Well, I hope you fellas
enjoy my wife's meatloaf

because we'll have
it for the entire month.

Walter, you gotta do something!

Don't answer the phone!

Please don't answer
it. It's got to be for me.

- Please let me answer the phone.
- All right, all right all right,
all right, yeah.

Hello, Walter?

I weigh three hundred pounds.

Honey, why did you tell
Philip you were in jail?

Oh, well, come on,
Walter, if you were in jail,

you wouldn't be able
to answer the phone.

What?

The canoe tipped over, Walter?

What? What?

The canoe tipped over.

What? The tent burned down?

Maude! Maude, I'm not kidding.

Maude, please, listen to me.

Stop laughing, Maude and listen.

Let me have that. Maude?

Maudie, stop laughing
and put Vivian on the wire.

- It's Arthur.
- Huh?

Arthur? Huh?

What?

The Hanging Judge.

Oh, Arthur, you're such a card.

Huh?

Vivian!

You're getting hysterical.

Slap yourself.

She hung up.

Probably to slap herself.

All right, Laurel
and Hardy, let's go.

In you go.

How dare you call
us Laurel and Hardy?

I'm a prominent
doctor and he's...

This is another fine
mess you've got us into.

Walter, don't you
see what's happening?

Nobody will listen to us.

We're nameless,
faceless, nobodies.

You idiot, that's what we've
been trying to tell you all along.

That's right, sweetheart.

Let us out of here!

You can't keep us behind bars.

We're not animals.

We're Laurel and Hardy.

I'll do anything. I'll
give you anything.

A, a, free operation.

Tonsils, appendix,

a hair transplant!

Is that a bribe?

Yes!

No.

Arthur, Arthur, please.
This isn't going to help.

Don't panic!

I've got more reason to be
panicky than you have, Walter.

I'm a prominent physician.

I got a wonderful practice.
A wife who loves me.

All you've got is that
stupid business and Maude.

If you were in your right mind,

I'd punch you right in the nose.

Sure, kick a man when he's down.

Arthur, why are
we arguing like this?

We should stick together.

Oh, stick together yourself!

I was always a good boy.

People always looked up to me.

Even the families of people
who died on the operating table.

Arthur, please. You're
making things worse.

What could be worse
than being in jail?

We could be here two
years, three years, more years.

You said yourself that some
kid in Texas got twenty five years.

Yeah, but he was black.
You'd probably only get ten.

What's gonna become of me?

I can't sit here and rot
for the rest of my life.

I'll be so old, Vivian
won't even recognize me.

And she'll be so
old, I won't even care.

I can't take it!

Let me outta here!

Let me outta here!

Let me outta here!

Pride and tradition!

Pride...

I can't take it anymore!

I can't take it anymore!

Take it easy!

Free Arthur Harmon!

Free Arthur Harmon!

Free Arthur Harmon!

- Come on, for crying out loud,
will you help stop him?
- Not me, man.

I ain't gonna get involved!

Free Arthur Harmon!

Freedom! Help!

Rape!

Rape?

Rape!

- Rape?
- Rape!

I didn't touch him.

What are you doing in here?

Police brutality! He's
gonna hit us, Walter.

What are you
wrecking my jail for?

Do you realize somebody's
gonna have to clean that up?

You ripped, uh,

You ripped up the throw pillows
my wife made me for Christmas.

You!

Get out of here!

What?

If you think I'm gonna
put up with you guys, you...

You're nuts! This is
New York all over again!

You know, you are...
you are the worst prisoners

I've ever seen
in my life, right?

Right.

Here, take your
lousy speeding ticket

and get out of my life.

- Right.
- Now where's that joint?

Ah, here.

I've got nothin' on ya.

Wrong!

Now, you haven't seen
any evidence, have you?

Why'd you do that? I could've
smoked it faster than that.

- Uh, thank you, sir.
- Just get lost.

Thank you, Officer.

- Go on.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Now, please stop talking!

- Just go!
- We're going.

In!

This ain't a general amnesty?

No, you're, uh,

you're a model prisoner.

Dear President Ford...

♪ Oh yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on Maude ♪

♪ Right on Maude ♪

♪ And then... ♪