Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 4 - The New Housekeeper - full transcript

Since Florida has left, Maude hires a new maid, sight unseen. At first, she seems like a dream, but then she caters only to Walter since he is the master of the house. Maude corrects her.

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Crime,

corruption,

inflation,

inflation, inflation.

Carol, honey, did you get
that coffee urn from Vivian?

- Right here, Mother.
- Oh, golly, we're gonna have
a mob tonight.



Listen, you know, what
I'd like you to do, dear.

Count out the silverware.

48 teaspoons,
and 48 desert forks.

You're the only person I
know, who has 48 of everything.

That's because I'm the
only person you know

who's been married four times.

And you know something,
Carol? In all that time,

I've only lost three husbands
and one butter spreader.

I'm the replacement
for the butter spreader.

What's Grandma's
party for this time?

Huh?

Oh,

this time the party is

to stamp out discrimination
against women.

Why?

Why.

A man at the bank got one
of the girl tellers pregnant

and then she was fired.

So, tonight, they're raising
money for her legal defense.

Well... what about the man?

How come he didn't get fired?

They can't fire him,
he owns the bank!

But that doesn't sound fair.

You're right,
Phillip, it isn't fair.

But you'll understand
when you get a little older

and you have your own bank.

Mother, I don't understand.

You hired a housekeeper
sight unseen?

Now, honey, I know it's unusual

but the agency said
that this woman is a gem.

A treasure!

Carol, I can hardly
wait for her to get here.

Mm-hmm. Is she black?

Oh, no, the agency
was fresh out.

No, but, this woman is not
only a fantastic housekeeper

she's supposed to be a fab...

That's Mrs. Naugatuck!

Mrs. who?

Close your mouth, Walter,
and try to look intelligent.

Coming!

- Findlay residence?
- Yes.

This is for Mrs. Naugatuck.

Oh, wonderful!

Carol, honey would
you do me a favor

and take that up
to the guest room?

Guest room?

Sign here.

Maude, we're not getting
sleep-in help, are we?

Sweetie, don't worry,

you won't even know
she's in the house.

Sign right there.

Maude, why don't you ask me
before you hire sleep-in help?

Walter, I tried to
bring up this subject

the other night after
dinner, and you said,

"That's your
department, Mauude."

"Do whatever you want, Mauude ."

"I have more important
things to think about, Mauude."

And then you burped
and fell asleep.

Please, sign right there, lady.

You know I can't
stand a stranger

sleeping in the house, Maude.

If you don't sign soon,

you'll have two strangers
sleepin' in the house, Mauude.

You look familiar.

Weren't you a victim
in "The Godfather?"

Now, Walter, please don't worry,

we're just trying
her out for a week.

Oh, for crying out
loud, I told you 50 times

I don't like strangers
sleeping in the house!

I value my privacy.

If it's a hot night and I wanna
sit around in my underwear,

I wanna sit around
in my underwear!

Underwear?

Walter, on a hot night for
you that would be overdressed.

You're kidding!

Now you know our secret, Carol.

On a hot summer's night

when Walter sits around
with a newspaper on his lap,

he is not reading to me.

- Well done, Maude.
- Mauude!

Cut it out!

Walter, look.

This lady must've
been all over the world.

Bombay, Tokyo,

Paris, Rome,

Dubrovnik. Brisbane, Australia.

Well, if she travels that much,

why can't she go home at night?

I wonder where she's from.

Didn't I tell you, Carol?

She's British. From London!

Imagine, London!

Oh, now I get it!

Now I realize why you're so
steamed up about this dame.

You can put on the
dog with all your friends,

"Findlay residence,

cheerio, pip pip and
a yank in the R.A.F."

Be quiet, Walter or
you'll get a yank in R.A.F

you'll never forget.

Walter, I resent you're
implying that I am a snob.

I couldn't care less
what nationality she is.

That's Mrs. Naugatuck.

Now remember, Walter,

she's British, so
for heaven's sake

don't act like the
ugly American.

You're not that good
looking to start with.

Let's just think of her as
Greer Garson in "Mrs. Miniver"

and make her feel at home.

Mrs. Naugatuck?

You really should do
something about them steps.

I nearly broke my bloody bum.

What did I tell you?
Another Greer Garson.

Welcome, welcome,
welcome, welcome.

I'm Maude Findlay.

This is my husband Walter

and my daughter Carol.

How do you do?

Uh, you know, Mrs. Naugatuck,

I am a bit of an Anglophile.

That means English buff, Walter.

You've been to London?

No, but I have
relatives in Toronto.

And I have been to the
London Bridge in Arizona.

Oh my!

It has fallen down, hasn't it?

Mother tells us you
lived in Brisbane.

Yes. But I didn't
get to see much of it.

I was ever so busy.

Oh, as a housekeeper?

In a matter of speaking,
it was a bawdy house.

You did say "boarding house?"

Oh no, bawdy house.

They didn't stay over.

Oh my, Mrs. Naug...

Hah, Mrs. Naugatuck,
now, I mean,

you weren't actually employed

in a bawdy house?

Oh, good heavens,
no! I owned the place.

Oh, splendid!

Some of my
belongings have arrived.

Splendid!

Mrs. Naugatuck, nothing personal

but, isn't this an awful
lot for a one week's tryout?

Come on, ducks,

I've never met a soul

who didn't go crackers
over my cooking.

And my housework's bang on,

and everybody goes
potty over my personality.

So, I'm in here for good.

So, if you just show me my room

I'll get hoppin'.

Alright, Mrs.
Naugatuck, walk this way.

Oh, if I could walk that way
I'd have stayed in Brisbane.

Walter, did you hear?

First we're going crackers
and then we're gonna go potty.

Isn't she perfection?

- Yeah, Maude,
perfection.
- Ah!

So, give her a week's salary

and tell her we
changed our minds.

- Oh, now, Walter...
- Not a chance, Maude!

Not a chance!

Walter, but please!

Now, Maude,

I'm not gonna say it
again, she's gotta leave.

I don't want sleep-in help,

British or not and that's final!

- Oh, come on, now Walt...
- Final!

All right, all right.
I'll talk to her.

That's what I get for offering

a smattering of culture to a man

who crumbles Ritz
crackers into his soup.

There she is. Tell her.

Mrs. Naugatuck.

Yes, ma'am.

What a beautiful vase!

Oh, you like it, ma'am?

Like it? This is lovely!

Cyril's in there.

Cyril?

My husband. You're
holding his ashes.

How long has he been in there?

Just since he died.

I hope you won't mind, ma'am.

You won't even know
he's in the house.

I think that's touching,
don't you, Walter?

Beautiful!

If you did that with
all your husbands,

you'd have to carry a six pack.

Now call her out and
tell her she's through.

Oh, come on, Walter, I can't...

Maude!

You know in your heart
you had no right to bring

anybody into this house
without discussing it with me.

You're right, Walter.
You're absolutely right.

And I also know in my heart
that because you're right

you should have
the honor of firing

that dear sweet
lady. Mrs. Naugatuck!

Maude.

- You called, ma'am?
- Mrs. Naugatuck, Mr. Findlay
would like a word with you.

Mrs. Naugatuck,

I'd like to speak to you
about your employment.

Ah, oh, that'll be a pleasure!

Always delighted, to
talk with the master.

I'm sorry, I have to...

The "master?"

You are the head of the house.

Well, of course, I am.

Uh, now, uh, why
don't you sit down?

Oh, no, sir. No.

That's not my place.

My place is to make
the master comfy.

There!

- Thank you.
- Thank you!

- Now then, Mrs. Naugatuck...
- Oh, excuse me, sir.

There.

One little tootsie,

two little tootsie.

There now.

That's better, isn't it?

Puts a bit of zip-a-dee
in the old doo-dah!

It's much better.

The old doo-dah
does feel a little zippier.

- Thank you.
- Thank you!

Oh, it's a pity

the way you American
men have to work,

but the master needn't worry.

He'll have me to pamper him.

- Thank you.
- Thank you!

Well, it's been ever so nice

talking like this
about my employment.

I've enjoyed it thoroughly.

- Thank you.
- Thank you!

And now if the
master doesn't mind,

I've got a kettle on the boil

I'll make him a spot of tea.

Oh, the master doesn't mind.

By the way,

two lumps in my spot.

Did he talk to you?

Oh, yes!

Dear, dear, dear Mrs. Naugatuck,

life deals us all such
unexpected blows, doesn't it?

You know, Mr. Findlay is
such a mercurial creature.

So, intolerant on the one hand

and yet on the other so
thoughtless and rotten.

Hold it, ma'am.

Don't get your
bloomers in a twist.

Don't get my
bloomers in a twist?

That's right, I'm staying!

You're staying!

Oh, that's wonderful, won...

Now look, you're gonna
have a million things to do,

for the Women's
Rights party tonight.

You can fix the hors d'oeuvres,

vacuum the living room,

dust the furniture,
bake the cookies...

Oh, all that can wait.

I beg your pardon?

The master wants tea

and when I run a household

what the master
wants comes first.

What's the matter?

Something tells me, Carol,

that I'm about to get
my bloomers in a twist.

Listen to her.

She's a perfect housekeeper.

Sings like a bird and
works like a horse.

Which is quite an
improvement over your mother

who works like a bird
and sings like a horse.

God will get you
for that, Walter.

And has ears like a rabbit.

Maude, what are
you doing with that?

Oh, in case it
gets cold in here,

I intend to use it as a muff.

Ah, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Yes, ma'am.

Ah, Mrs. Naugatuck, I don't
know what you're accustomed to

but over here when we
put tissue in the bathroom,

we place it so that it
rolls from the bottom up

not the top down.

Why?

Huh!

Because...

Oh!

Maude, what the
hell is the difference?

The difference is why
we drive on the right side

and she drives on the left.

You old master.

Shall I take the tissue, ma'am,

and put it in the
guest bathroom?

Yes, thank you, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Not at all, bottom's up.

Maude, what's the matter?

Walter, I don't wish to be picky

but I cannot stand listening
to the happy hooker.

Well, I like her voice.

I think hiring Mrs. Naugatuck

was the smartest
thing you ever did.

I hung the tissue
your way, ma'am.

Wrong side up.

Here, here... you
mustn't do that.

No. You're the
master of the house.

Now, you come over
here and you relax.

You're on your feet
all week at business.

Mrs. Naugatuck, will you
stop pampering Mr. Findlay?

Let her pamper, Maude.

Now, look at it this way.

If God had wanted us to
spend so much time on our feet,

he wouldn't have given
us so much to sit down on.

Walter, we are
having a party tonight.

So, if you don't
mind why don't you

get up off of what you have
so much to sit down on...

and please take
this trunk upstairs.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Walter, why did you change
your mind about sleep-in help?

My only aim in life
is to please you.

Walter, to put it as
delicately as possible...

in a pig's eye!

And you know how
bad I am at directions.

I mean it, Maude.

I mean, besides, I never
dreamed she'd be so efficient.

Yep. How do you know
she is efficient, Walter?

All you've ever seen her
do is fluff up your pillow.

The truth be known that
fluffer has you wrapped around

her little finger.

Maude, you are jealous!

Oh, come on, me?

Jealous of a... Of a
bantamweight ex-madam?

She probably ran that house
the way she's running you.

No trick unturned.

She is not running me!

Oh, then how come you took
her side with the toilet tissue?

All I said was what's
the difference?

How come you didn't
say what's the difference

five years ago when we had that

knock-down, drag-out fight

about the very
same tissue issue?

You know Maude, as we
stroll down life's highway,

you're becoming more
and more paranoid.

Let me tell you
something, Walter...

Wait up, Maude, you told
me to take the trunk upstairs,

I'm gonna take
the trunk upstairs.

Oh, no, sir. Let
me help with it.

- If the master doesn't mind.
- No, Mrs. Naugatuck,
I'll get it.

Oh, no, I insist.

Well, at least let me help you.

Okay, there. You got it?

Oh, yeah, wait a
minute. Here we go!

Yes, oh God.

There you go, you got it?

Now, Maude...

On top of everything
else, she's a show off!

Show off? She's terrific!

You know, what your
trouble is, Walter?

You have a nanny fixation!

Well, I don't care for
that woman's attitude,

she's gotta be straightened
out right here and now!

Maude, I am fed up
with this whole issue.

- Do whatever you want!
- All right, I will.

Mrs. Naugatuck,

I would like a word with you.

In a moment, madam, just
when I've set the chairs up.

My husband can
take care of that.

Ohh, you can't let a
man do that, ma'am.

That's woman's work.

Woman's work?

Mrs. Naugatuck, in this house

there is no such
thing as woman's work

or man's work.

There is no discrimination
between the sexes.

That's what tonight's
party is all about!

Oh blimey, another
Vanessa Redgrave.

I prefer to think of myself
as a tall Jane Fonda.

Now, the time has come, when
we must stop thinking of ourselves

as second class
citizens, Mrs. Naugahide!

Tuck!

Whatever.

Women are meant to
be more than just maids,

housewives and sex kittens.

Oh, speak for yourself, I
rather enjoy being a sex kitten.

You?

I may be mature,

but I'm not dead!

If God had meant men
and women to be the same,

he'd have made them the same!

Oh, come off it.

Naugatuck, that is
old-fashioned attitude.

Now, listen to me.

If you want to
stay in this house,

you are going to have
to change your thinking

about the male and female roles.

You know, what is the
matter with you, ma'am?

You don't like men.

Now, come on,
you can't be serious.

I adore men and they adore me.

Well, there is no
one in the world

who loves men more than I do.

And if you need further
proof may I remind you that

four of them
selected me to marry.

I know, there is one
born every minute.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I will not
be insulted in my own home.

And I will not be told how to
handle men in anyone's home.

A woman's role is
to serve the male.

It is everyone's role to serve
the best interest of others

regardless of sex.

I'm afraid I cannot have this
antiquated thinking in my house.

Oh!

What are you trying to say?

You're giving me the sack?

Well, I quit.

Well, I wouldn't stay
here another minute.

Good. You'll get a
week's pay for your trouble.

I don't need your
blooming charity.

And I don't need you.

Well I certainly
do not need you.

What's going on here?

- Oh, yes, you do.
- Oh, no, I don't.

I wouldn't take you.

Maude, Sit!

And I wouldn't be here...

Mrs. Naugatuck, sit.

Now, listen to me both of you.

The guests will be
arriving any minute.

And you two are standing
out here yelling at each other

like a couple of
adolescent school girls.

- It's all her fault.
- She started off.

Quiet!

You're always yapping
about women's rights.

Well, Mrs. Naugatuck is woman,
and she has a right to think

whatever she pleases about
men, women, or anything else.

Hear, hear!

Let me tell you something.

Mrs. Findlay is right, too.

Times are changing, maybe
too fast for some for us,

but take my word for it.

History is gonna be on her side

and another thing
you could my word for,

she is one hell of a woman,
and one hell of a wife.

Hear, hear!

I don't care what you do

but let's get this solved

because in a few minutes

we're gonna have a
house full of guests.

Is that clear?

Is it?

- Oh, all right.
- Okay.

Wow! I don't know how
Henry Kissinger does it.

Well, what do you think?

Are we ever going to
get through to each other?

Mmm, I doubt it.

You're very opinionated.

You are the one
who is opinionated.

And that's your opinion.

I'm entitled to my opinion.

I'm entitled to my opinion.

That's your opinion.

It's a good thing
you're bigger than I am.

It's a good thing
you're smaller.

Feisty old biddy!

Frosty old broad!

Now, why don't you just
come out and say you're sorry.

No. Why should I? Why don't you?

Well, because...

Frosty old broad!

Feisty old biddy!

If you get the door.
I'll pack your things.

Including Cyril.

Oh! Good evening!

- Good evening!
- Won't you come in.

Welcome, to the
Findlay residence.

Dear, are we the
first ones here?

Yes. But you know the saying...

The first is always the best.

- Aha-ha... isn't she charming?
- Delightful!

- Wouldn't you know Maude would
hire an English housekeeper?
- Hmm.

Won't you sit down and
I'll get you some drinks.

A ginger ale for my lady,

and a double Martini for mister.

Oh, yes! That's right.

What a perfectly,
lovely, delightful creature.

How did you know, that
was what they wanted.

I could tell, she
is a teetotaler,

and he is a lush.

I wasn't a topless
barmaid for nothing.

Maude, where did
you ever find her?

She is a gem.

Yeah. And so... so...

cultured, I love her accent.

Accent?

Does Mrs. Naugatuck
have an accent?

Oh, I'll have to listen for it.

You know, her last
job was in Brisbane.

She managed a
giant household there.

Oh, Carol dear!

Carol, would you take the
covers off the hot hors d'oeuvres?

Welcome aboard Mrs. Naugatuck.

Don't worry, ducks.

I'll have her eating out
of my hand, in no time.

Hope you made the
right decision, mother.

Oh, don't worry, Carol.

I'll have her eating out
of my hand in no time.

- Feisty.
- Frosty.

Hmm. It says here, they are
allowing tourists into China again.

Oh, I love China.

At least, when I
was there it was nice.

Oh, come on now, Mrs.
Naugatuck, don't tell me

you've been in China too.

Oh, yes!

In 1923, I was chief cook,

with Lord Boseley's
hunting expedition

for hippopotami.

Wait!

Just a minute.

You know, Mrs. Naugatuck,
I have doubted the veracity

of some of your
stories for some time.

I mean bawdyhouses and the like

but this time I caught you
and you cannot get out of it.

There are no hippos in China.

Of course not, we shot them all.

I'll kill her, Walter.

Now, this really
deserves killing.

Definitely.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪