Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 19 - Mrs. Naugatuck in Love - full transcript
While Maude, Vivian and Carol are planning a bridal shower for Mrs. Nagatuck, she gets devastating news that the wedding has been called off.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Oh, Carol, honey, have
you seen Mrs. Naugatuck?
Playgirl?
Mother, this is the magazine
for the modern woman.
- Ah!
- It's our answer to Playboy.
Oh, the... This is...
This is just trash.
And I know the kind
of articles in this thing.
"The bedroom secrets
of Ken and Barbie"
And look at this, a
male center... fold!
Mother?
Mother?
It's interesting, right?
It is not interesting.
It-it is cheap
sensationalism, Carol.
I mean, Carol, you
are almost 30 years old.
Oh! Age has nothing
to do with this.
Besides, this belongs to someone
who's a lot older than I am.
Someone who's probably just
looking for a
richer fantasy life.
Well, it couldn't be Walter.
Because, if his fantasy
life were any richer,
Disneyland would
name a ride after him.
It's Mrs. Naugatuck's.
Mrs. Naugatuck?
She's so cute.
She had it hidden inside a
copy of The London Times.
Well, I'll tell you honey. The
way she has been acting lately,
nothing would surprise
me about her anymore.
- She has been pretty flaky.
- Flaky?
You know, that yesterday
she put the mail in the freezer?
Took me half a day,
to thaw out the gas bill.
I think, she's really
gone completely whacko.
I think I'm gonna have
to have one of those
shape-up or ship-out
talks with the woman.
- What woman?
- Mrs. Naugatuck.
Eh, Walter, for the past two
weeks completely, 'out-of-it.'
Well, when you find out
what's wrong with her,
Lemme know.
I'm dying to know
why she put Ty-D-Bol
in the aquarium.
Oh, come on, Maude.
I mean, Mrs. Naugatuck
is not just a housekeeper.
She is part of the family.
The least we can
do is put up with
a lit-little of her
idiosyncrasies.
I mean, how much
can it hurt to...
My sweater... My
lucky golf sweater!
Honey, don't feel too bad.
It looks like it
might fit your niblick.
This isn't funny, Maude.
Mrs. Naugatuck! Mrs. Naugatuck!
- Oh now, Walter I do not think...
- I don't care what you think.
Mrs. Naugatuck? Mrs. Nauga...
But, soft!
"What light through
yonder window breaks?
"It is the east, and
Mr. Findlay is the sun.
"Arise, fair sun..."
Romeo and Juliet.
What a scrumptious love story.
I don't give a healthy damn
about Romeo and Juliet.
In that case, Master,
parting won't be
such sweet sorrow.
Mrs. Naugatuck. Look at me.
Stand there for two
seconds, and look at me.
Oh, I wish, I had the
figure to wear a bare midriff.
So becoming!
"He jests at scars that
never felt a wound."
- You better have
a talk with her.
- Better have a talk with her.
He loves me. He loves me not.
He loves me. He loves me not.
- He loves me.
- Mrs. Naugatuck,
- what are you doing?
- Plucking my broom.
Don't give us any of
that "plucking my broom."
Walter, that's exactly
what she's doing.
Mrs. Naugatuck, please,
come here and sit down.
Right over here. There you go.
- Mrs. Naugatuck.
- Dear, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Is something troubling you?
Frankly, yes.
- What?
- What?
You're bruising my knuckles.
Oh, dear Mrs. Naugatuck,
now, you know we love you.
And we know that there
is more to your behavior
than meets the eye.
And we would appreciate it
if you would let us
share it with you.
Now, what the hell is going on?
Can't you tell by the...
the sparkle in my eye?
The joltiness of my gait?
And the naughtiness of my smile?
God, you are... in love!
You are in love!
You are in love!
Yes, ma'am, yes
ma'am, yes ma'am.
Why is everybody crying?
Whoa, Walter, doesn't
Mrs. Naugatuck's
being in love make
you wanna cry?
Yes. I'm going to be married.
Married?
Now, that's
something to cry about.
Mrs. Naugatuck, are you serious?
- You're really getting married?
- Oh, yes.
I may not be a young chick,
but I still know what to do
when the right
rooster comes along.
Mrs. Naugatuck,
that is wonderful.
And incredible!
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Tell me, who is
the lucky rooster?
Oh, he is a wonderful
man, ma'am.
He is a Pisces, on
the cusp, ma'am.
Yes, and his name...
His name is Virgil Sneed.
Virgil Sneed...
- Mrs. Virgil Sneed.
- Yes.
I met him at the
Merchant Navy Club.
I go there every month
to teach go-go dancing.
And in port a few months ago.
And we've been corresponding
about marriage ever since.
And last week, he finally,
let up the nerve
to accept my proposal.
Mrs. Naugatuck, are you sure
this isn't another one of your
- cock-and-bull stories?
- Oh, Walter!
What are you picking on me for?
She is the one that said
she double-dated
with Tokyo Rose.
Well, if you feel
like that about it
there is no use me
going on, is there?
Ah, if you'll excuse
me, I have a pot roast
in the mailbox.
We need diplomats
like you at the UN.
What am I saying? We have
diplomats like you at the UN.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck, dear.
I'm not costing by
pearls before a swine.
Mrs. Naugatuck, I assure you,
Mr. Findlay didn't
mean to be rude.
It's just that, well, this
is such a shock to us,
that we find it
difficult to believe.
Oh, fickle, fickle,
go jump on a pickle.
Virgil has written to me
twice a week for
the last two months.
And if you don't believe me,
I'll show you his last letter.
Now...
Oh-ho.
Oh dear!
Oh, dear! It tickles!
Oh, Virgil, stop, stop.
There you are. It
came only this morning.
"My Dearest Jellybean..."
Yes, that's what he calls me.
His Jellybean from Aberdeen.
And he is my
"Kidney from Sidney."
That's my pet name for him.
Yes, I know. I have
a pet name for Walter.
From Tuckahoe.
Sidney, Australia?
Yes, ma'am.
He owns a sheep ranch there.
A sheep ranch?
Yes. And he is retiring there.
And I shall be joining
him in two weeks time.
I'll be pulling the
wool over his eyes,
every night!
Ah, Mrs. Naugatuck, we
couldn't be happier for you.
Mrs. Naugatuck,
forgive me for doubting.
And congratulations!
Of course, we'll
miss you terribly.
But, we wish you
every happiness.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you both so much.
And I shall miss you, too.
But I must get
back to my duties.
And stop acting like
a foolish schoolgirl.
After all, I am
British. And we British,
do have to maintain our dignity.
Whoopee!
Whoopee!
She is going to be
so thrilled and happy!
Oh, boy. Boy Maude,
you really know how
to throw a bridal shower.
Who should know better?
I just think it was
a brilliant idea
getting Mrs. Naugatuck
out of the house
by sending her to the
beauty parlor for the afternoon.
Well, you know, how she
and Mr. Billy love to gossip.
He knows everybody in
town who fools around.
And she knows
everybody from out of town,
who fools around.
Look fellows.
- Everybody in the
neighborhood is out there.
- I know.
Oh I didn't know Mrs. Naugatuck
had so many friends.
Eh, well honey, there is
a very simple explanation.
You see, she meets
so many people
when she is out
on her motorcycle.
I just think a bridal
shower is a marvelous idea.
Oh! Thank you,
Viv. I'll tell you,
when there is a sweet, warm,
wonderful person
involved that's what you do.
And I am a sweet,
warm, wonderful person.
Here she comes, here she comes.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Everybody hide, she is coming.
Keep a straight face.
Keep a straight face.
You.
Ahem.
Is nobody going to
comment on my hairdo?
What? Mrs. Naugatuck, it's you?
Who do you think it was?
Ann-Margret! I mean,
you're looking fabulous.
I do, don't I?
It's called a modified tulip.
How often do you
have to water it?
It's beautiful, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Are-are you ladies
ready? We'll get that...
- Oh, yes. I think so.
- I'm ready.
Mrs. Naugatuck, since
the light in here is so poor,
why don't we go
into the living room,
where we can really
see you in all your glory?
Very well.
Oh!
- Now, isn't this better?
- Better than what?
The Black Hole of Calcutta?
Mrs. Naugatuck, I have
one thing to say to you.
What?
All your dearest friends
took the afternoon off!
Surprise!
How lovely.
Oh, Mrs. Findlay,
this is the happiest
day of my life.
Oh! Oh, thank you, Rayke.
You're welcome.
If I had my specs,
I'd read this right now.
"How to make your husband,
the world's greatest lover"
When you're finished,
Mrs. Naugatuck,
I'd like to borrow it.
No, allow me, ma'am,
- Please.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
Mrs. Naugatuck,
this is your day.
Ethel, dear, care
for a pig in a blanket?
Oh, no, thank you,
honey. I already got one.
He's home sleeping.
Why Juanita,
how nice to have you here.
Golly, I haven't
seen you since...
Since you fire me.
- Mrs. Naugatuck...
- Oh, no, thank you.
I'll get it.
This one's on me.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
Thank you, Mrs. Findlay.
Oh! I shall take this
on my honeymoon.
Yes, I don't know what's
going to be the most exciting.
Putting it on or taking it off.
I promise you, Mrs. Naugatuck,
with that night gown,
you can burn the book.
And now... everybody,
and Mrs. Naugatuck.
- Oh!
- Here it is!
Today's letter,
from your 'Kidney from Sidney.'
From my Virgil!
What does he say?
-Read it -Read it
All right, all right.
I'll read it aloud,
so that everyone will know,
what a dear, sweet boy he is.
Wh-wha...
Pardon me, I forgot
me spectacles.
- Would you do the honors dear?
- Of course!
Oh. My dearest jelly roll!
Oh!
Now he's calling
me his jelly roll.
That's because I'm round
and sweet and squishy!
"Fish gotta swim,
birds gotta fly.
"I gotta love
one gal till I die.
"Can't help lovin'
that gal of mine."
Oh, he writes beautifully,
Mrs. Naugatuck.
And so originally.
The world's lost
another Shakespeare,
When Virgil turned to sheep.
Carry on, dear.
"But life plays very... funny...
Oh, go ahead, madam.
Read the whole thing.
Eh... Now that's...
about all there is.
Oh, no! Read what
he says about my eyes.
He never writes without
mentioning my eyes.
Your eyes... Ey-Eye.
Oh, yes-yes! The-the eyes.
"Eh, I fell in love with you,
"the first time I looked into,
"them there eyes."
And my lips.
Eh, yes.
Oh, "Tiptoe
through your tu-lips."
And my, complexion.
Oh, "One of the great
complexions of all time."
There's no rhyme there.
It doesn't sound
like him at all.
Read the last couplet
before the signature, please.
Oh, there, there, dear.
I-I know. His couplets
always make me cry a lot too.
That's why I adore my Virgil.
He's so romantic.
Oh, come on, dear. Oh, look.
- I'll take over, dear.
- No, but-but, Mrs...
I'll take over. No, eh.
Lend me your specs,
ducks, would you?
Thank you.
Eh, now,
"Tut tut tutsi. Good-bye.
"Tut tut tutsi go..."
He's jilting me.
Oh no...
Walter, about Mrs. Naugatuck.
What a mess!
Good gravy!
Cancel that.
That's terrible gravy.
Knock it off, Arthur. And
what about Mrs. Naugatuck?
You've been treating
her for almost a week
and she is still upstairs
moaning and groaning.
How long does it take to
get over a broken heart?
A broken heart is
not a broken elbow.
Let me remind you, Walter.
You can't wrap an ACE
bandage around a broken heart.
Hey! Something smells good!
Oh-oh-oh... Oh-oh...
Oh!
Holy mackerel! I was
looking all over for this mitten.
I knew it smelled too good to
be something you cooked, Walter!
Where's Maude?
She's doing the laundry.
We split up Naugatuck's chores.
How come she is
doing the laundry,
when you're such a rotten cook?
If you think I'm
such a rotten cook,
you should taste my laundry.
Honey, I think whatever
you're burning is burned.
Arthur, I'm glad you're here.
Tell me, how is Mrs. Naugatuck?
Well, there's absolutely
nothing wrong with her physically.
It's her spirit that's broken.
I'll tell you something, Maudie.
You can't wrap an ACE
bandage around a broken spirit.
That's beautiful, Arthur.
Yeah, that's really beautiful.
A saying like that could
fill a million barf bags!
Arthur.
Isn't there something
you can suggest to pull
Mrs. Naugatuck out
of her depression?
I'm running out of mittens.
Yes, I have called
for a prescription,
- which just might do the trick.
- Oh, good.
It should be here any minute.
Until then, the best
thing you can do
is show her that you care!
Try a little love and affection.
Oh, Arthur, I've given
in the past few days
more love and
attention to that woman,
than I gave to my
first three husbands.
Well, they had broken
spirits too, Maudie.
Arthur, how would
you like a swift kick
in your ACE bandage?
All right! But you'll thank me,
when that
prescription gets here.
Oh, by the way,
is Mrs. Naugatuck
covered by Medicare?
- N... No, I don't think so.
- Oh.
Then I won't pad my bill.
Honey, what are
you fixing for dinner?
- Well, so far, burnt mittens.
- Again?
Walter, that's what
you fixed last night.
I know, it's my specialty.
- What was that?
- Oh, Walter,
that is the sound
of a broken heart.
C'mon, let's try
to cheer her up.
Oh.
Mrs. Naugatuck, it's
so good to see you,
looking so spry and bouncy.
Yeah, you look terrific!
It's no use, you
trying to cheer me up.
I'm old and tired and weak.
- And, what?
- Weak.
- Aa-an-and what?
- And weak!
Oh, verdict. My life is over.
Oh, now Mrs. Naugatuck,
don't say things like that.
Dr. Harmon says,
there's absolutely
nothing wrong with
you. Except for-uh,
a little broken heart.
That's what he told me.
There is one thing
I want to ask you,
Mrs. Findlay,
before I pass away.
- What...
- What Mrs. Naugatuck?
What the hell is an ACE bandage?
Mrs. Naugatuck,
a broken heart is not
the end of the world.
Oh, I'm through with men.
My life's over and done with.
Do not ask me for
whom the bell tolls.
It tolls for me.
Boy, that was fast.
- Mrs. Findlay?
- Yes.
Were you expecting a
prescription from Doc Harmon?
Oh, yes. Are you
the delivery man?
No, ma'am.
The Doc said, I'm
the prescription.
- You're the prescription?
- Yes, ma'am.
I'm what the doctor ordered.
Aa-ohh...
The name is Bert, Bert Beasley.
- Mrs. Naugatuck...
- It won't work, madam!
And I'll thank you,
and everyone else
to stay out of my life!
- Is that the patient?
- I'm afraid so.
My goodness, this
must be my lucky day.
First, I found a dollar
coming over here,
and now this.
Now what?
Well, I-uh, I figured
she'd be an old biddy.
But she's...
she's beautiful.
Bert, you know? I
think, you are just
what the doctor ordered.
Yes.
Good hunting.
Hello, deary, my
name is Bert Beasley.
I heard you the first time.
Well, it bears repeating.
Irish, ain't you?
Uh-huh.
You English?
We're natural enemies.
I know.
Care to kiss and make up?
Aw-oh! Bert.
Say, uh-aa,
are you busy tonight?
Who'd you think you are?
Do you think you can come
marching into my kitchen
and pick me up
like a cheap tart?
No, I'm not, doing
nothing tonight.
Now, that's good.
This is my lucky day.
I thought we go
down to the local pub
and have uh-a
dollar's worth of beer
and get to know each
other a little better.
Come upstairs, while
while I freshen
myself up. Wee...
Well, uh, no thanks, dear.
I-I-I think, I'd better
meet you in the car.
You see, I kept
the motor running.
I didn't think she was gonna
turn out to be such a doozy.
Uh, Mrs. Naugatuck, uh,
could I speak to
you for a moment?
Uh, tell me,
what ever happened to
"I'm through with men"?
He isn't a man.
He's a prescription.
I have to see him before,
during, and after meals.
I think I'll call him
my "Jolly green pea
from the Irish Sea."
That was fast.
Five minutes ago she
was ready to kill herself.
You know, she is England's
answer to Will Rogers.
She never met a
man she didn't like.
That sounds like you, Maude.
Now, you're wrong there.
I never met a
man, I didn't marry.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Oh, Carol, honey, have
you seen Mrs. Naugatuck?
Playgirl?
Mother, this is the magazine
for the modern woman.
- Ah!
- It's our answer to Playboy.
Oh, the... This is...
This is just trash.
And I know the kind
of articles in this thing.
"The bedroom secrets
of Ken and Barbie"
And look at this, a
male center... fold!
Mother?
Mother?
It's interesting, right?
It is not interesting.
It-it is cheap
sensationalism, Carol.
I mean, Carol, you
are almost 30 years old.
Oh! Age has nothing
to do with this.
Besides, this belongs to someone
who's a lot older than I am.
Someone who's probably just
looking for a
richer fantasy life.
Well, it couldn't be Walter.
Because, if his fantasy
life were any richer,
Disneyland would
name a ride after him.
It's Mrs. Naugatuck's.
Mrs. Naugatuck?
She's so cute.
She had it hidden inside a
copy of The London Times.
Well, I'll tell you honey. The
way she has been acting lately,
nothing would surprise
me about her anymore.
- She has been pretty flaky.
- Flaky?
You know, that yesterday
she put the mail in the freezer?
Took me half a day,
to thaw out the gas bill.
I think, she's really
gone completely whacko.
I think I'm gonna have
to have one of those
shape-up or ship-out
talks with the woman.
- What woman?
- Mrs. Naugatuck.
Eh, Walter, for the past two
weeks completely, 'out-of-it.'
Well, when you find out
what's wrong with her,
Lemme know.
I'm dying to know
why she put Ty-D-Bol
in the aquarium.
Oh, come on, Maude.
I mean, Mrs. Naugatuck
is not just a housekeeper.
She is part of the family.
The least we can
do is put up with
a lit-little of her
idiosyncrasies.
I mean, how much
can it hurt to...
My sweater... My
lucky golf sweater!
Honey, don't feel too bad.
It looks like it
might fit your niblick.
This isn't funny, Maude.
Mrs. Naugatuck! Mrs. Naugatuck!
- Oh now, Walter I do not think...
- I don't care what you think.
Mrs. Naugatuck? Mrs. Nauga...
But, soft!
"What light through
yonder window breaks?
"It is the east, and
Mr. Findlay is the sun.
"Arise, fair sun..."
Romeo and Juliet.
What a scrumptious love story.
I don't give a healthy damn
about Romeo and Juliet.
In that case, Master,
parting won't be
such sweet sorrow.
Mrs. Naugatuck. Look at me.
Stand there for two
seconds, and look at me.
Oh, I wish, I had the
figure to wear a bare midriff.
So becoming!
"He jests at scars that
never felt a wound."
- You better have
a talk with her.
- Better have a talk with her.
He loves me. He loves me not.
He loves me. He loves me not.
- He loves me.
- Mrs. Naugatuck,
- what are you doing?
- Plucking my broom.
Don't give us any of
that "plucking my broom."
Walter, that's exactly
what she's doing.
Mrs. Naugatuck, please,
come here and sit down.
Right over here. There you go.
- Mrs. Naugatuck.
- Dear, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Is something troubling you?
Frankly, yes.
- What?
- What?
You're bruising my knuckles.
Oh, dear Mrs. Naugatuck,
now, you know we love you.
And we know that there
is more to your behavior
than meets the eye.
And we would appreciate it
if you would let us
share it with you.
Now, what the hell is going on?
Can't you tell by the...
the sparkle in my eye?
The joltiness of my gait?
And the naughtiness of my smile?
God, you are... in love!
You are in love!
You are in love!
Yes, ma'am, yes
ma'am, yes ma'am.
Why is everybody crying?
Whoa, Walter, doesn't
Mrs. Naugatuck's
being in love make
you wanna cry?
Yes. I'm going to be married.
Married?
Now, that's
something to cry about.
Mrs. Naugatuck, are you serious?
- You're really getting married?
- Oh, yes.
I may not be a young chick,
but I still know what to do
when the right
rooster comes along.
Mrs. Naugatuck,
that is wonderful.
And incredible!
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Tell me, who is
the lucky rooster?
Oh, he is a wonderful
man, ma'am.
He is a Pisces, on
the cusp, ma'am.
Yes, and his name...
His name is Virgil Sneed.
Virgil Sneed...
- Mrs. Virgil Sneed.
- Yes.
I met him at the
Merchant Navy Club.
I go there every month
to teach go-go dancing.
And in port a few months ago.
And we've been corresponding
about marriage ever since.
And last week, he finally,
let up the nerve
to accept my proposal.
Mrs. Naugatuck, are you sure
this isn't another one of your
- cock-and-bull stories?
- Oh, Walter!
What are you picking on me for?
She is the one that said
she double-dated
with Tokyo Rose.
Well, if you feel
like that about it
there is no use me
going on, is there?
Ah, if you'll excuse
me, I have a pot roast
in the mailbox.
We need diplomats
like you at the UN.
What am I saying? We have
diplomats like you at the UN.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck, dear.
I'm not costing by
pearls before a swine.
Mrs. Naugatuck, I assure you,
Mr. Findlay didn't
mean to be rude.
It's just that, well, this
is such a shock to us,
that we find it
difficult to believe.
Oh, fickle, fickle,
go jump on a pickle.
Virgil has written to me
twice a week for
the last two months.
And if you don't believe me,
I'll show you his last letter.
Now...
Oh-ho.
Oh dear!
Oh, dear! It tickles!
Oh, Virgil, stop, stop.
There you are. It
came only this morning.
"My Dearest Jellybean..."
Yes, that's what he calls me.
His Jellybean from Aberdeen.
And he is my
"Kidney from Sidney."
That's my pet name for him.
Yes, I know. I have
a pet name for Walter.
From Tuckahoe.
Sidney, Australia?
Yes, ma'am.
He owns a sheep ranch there.
A sheep ranch?
Yes. And he is retiring there.
And I shall be joining
him in two weeks time.
I'll be pulling the
wool over his eyes,
every night!
Ah, Mrs. Naugatuck, we
couldn't be happier for you.
Mrs. Naugatuck,
forgive me for doubting.
And congratulations!
Of course, we'll
miss you terribly.
But, we wish you
every happiness.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you both so much.
And I shall miss you, too.
But I must get
back to my duties.
And stop acting like
a foolish schoolgirl.
After all, I am
British. And we British,
do have to maintain our dignity.
Whoopee!
Whoopee!
She is going to be
so thrilled and happy!
Oh, boy. Boy Maude,
you really know how
to throw a bridal shower.
Who should know better?
I just think it was
a brilliant idea
getting Mrs. Naugatuck
out of the house
by sending her to the
beauty parlor for the afternoon.
Well, you know, how she
and Mr. Billy love to gossip.
He knows everybody in
town who fools around.
And she knows
everybody from out of town,
who fools around.
Look fellows.
- Everybody in the
neighborhood is out there.
- I know.
Oh I didn't know Mrs. Naugatuck
had so many friends.
Eh, well honey, there is
a very simple explanation.
You see, she meets
so many people
when she is out
on her motorcycle.
I just think a bridal
shower is a marvelous idea.
Oh! Thank you,
Viv. I'll tell you,
when there is a sweet, warm,
wonderful person
involved that's what you do.
And I am a sweet,
warm, wonderful person.
Here she comes, here she comes.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Everybody hide, she is coming.
Keep a straight face.
Keep a straight face.
You.
Ahem.
Is nobody going to
comment on my hairdo?
What? Mrs. Naugatuck, it's you?
Who do you think it was?
Ann-Margret! I mean,
you're looking fabulous.
I do, don't I?
It's called a modified tulip.
How often do you
have to water it?
It's beautiful, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Are-are you ladies
ready? We'll get that...
- Oh, yes. I think so.
- I'm ready.
Mrs. Naugatuck, since
the light in here is so poor,
why don't we go
into the living room,
where we can really
see you in all your glory?
Very well.
Oh!
- Now, isn't this better?
- Better than what?
The Black Hole of Calcutta?
Mrs. Naugatuck, I have
one thing to say to you.
What?
All your dearest friends
took the afternoon off!
Surprise!
How lovely.
Oh, Mrs. Findlay,
this is the happiest
day of my life.
Oh! Oh, thank you, Rayke.
You're welcome.
If I had my specs,
I'd read this right now.
"How to make your husband,
the world's greatest lover"
When you're finished,
Mrs. Naugatuck,
I'd like to borrow it.
No, allow me, ma'am,
- Please.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
Mrs. Naugatuck,
this is your day.
Ethel, dear, care
for a pig in a blanket?
Oh, no, thank you,
honey. I already got one.
He's home sleeping.
Why Juanita,
how nice to have you here.
Golly, I haven't
seen you since...
Since you fire me.
- Mrs. Naugatuck...
- Oh, no, thank you.
I'll get it.
This one's on me.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
Thank you, Mrs. Findlay.
Oh! I shall take this
on my honeymoon.
Yes, I don't know what's
going to be the most exciting.
Putting it on or taking it off.
I promise you, Mrs. Naugatuck,
with that night gown,
you can burn the book.
And now... everybody,
and Mrs. Naugatuck.
- Oh!
- Here it is!
Today's letter,
from your 'Kidney from Sidney.'
From my Virgil!
What does he say?
-Read it -Read it
All right, all right.
I'll read it aloud,
so that everyone will know,
what a dear, sweet boy he is.
Wh-wha...
Pardon me, I forgot
me spectacles.
- Would you do the honors dear?
- Of course!
Oh. My dearest jelly roll!
Oh!
Now he's calling
me his jelly roll.
That's because I'm round
and sweet and squishy!
"Fish gotta swim,
birds gotta fly.
"I gotta love
one gal till I die.
"Can't help lovin'
that gal of mine."
Oh, he writes beautifully,
Mrs. Naugatuck.
And so originally.
The world's lost
another Shakespeare,
When Virgil turned to sheep.
Carry on, dear.
"But life plays very... funny...
Oh, go ahead, madam.
Read the whole thing.
Eh... Now that's...
about all there is.
Oh, no! Read what
he says about my eyes.
He never writes without
mentioning my eyes.
Your eyes... Ey-Eye.
Oh, yes-yes! The-the eyes.
"Eh, I fell in love with you,
"the first time I looked into,
"them there eyes."
And my lips.
Eh, yes.
Oh, "Tiptoe
through your tu-lips."
And my, complexion.
Oh, "One of the great
complexions of all time."
There's no rhyme there.
It doesn't sound
like him at all.
Read the last couplet
before the signature, please.
Oh, there, there, dear.
I-I know. His couplets
always make me cry a lot too.
That's why I adore my Virgil.
He's so romantic.
Oh, come on, dear. Oh, look.
- I'll take over, dear.
- No, but-but, Mrs...
I'll take over. No, eh.
Lend me your specs,
ducks, would you?
Thank you.
Eh, now,
"Tut tut tutsi. Good-bye.
"Tut tut tutsi go..."
He's jilting me.
Oh no...
Walter, about Mrs. Naugatuck.
What a mess!
Good gravy!
Cancel that.
That's terrible gravy.
Knock it off, Arthur. And
what about Mrs. Naugatuck?
You've been treating
her for almost a week
and she is still upstairs
moaning and groaning.
How long does it take to
get over a broken heart?
A broken heart is
not a broken elbow.
Let me remind you, Walter.
You can't wrap an ACE
bandage around a broken heart.
Hey! Something smells good!
Oh-oh-oh... Oh-oh...
Oh!
Holy mackerel! I was
looking all over for this mitten.
I knew it smelled too good to
be something you cooked, Walter!
Where's Maude?
She's doing the laundry.
We split up Naugatuck's chores.
How come she is
doing the laundry,
when you're such a rotten cook?
If you think I'm
such a rotten cook,
you should taste my laundry.
Honey, I think whatever
you're burning is burned.
Arthur, I'm glad you're here.
Tell me, how is Mrs. Naugatuck?
Well, there's absolutely
nothing wrong with her physically.
It's her spirit that's broken.
I'll tell you something, Maudie.
You can't wrap an ACE
bandage around a broken spirit.
That's beautiful, Arthur.
Yeah, that's really beautiful.
A saying like that could
fill a million barf bags!
Arthur.
Isn't there something
you can suggest to pull
Mrs. Naugatuck out
of her depression?
I'm running out of mittens.
Yes, I have called
for a prescription,
- which just might do the trick.
- Oh, good.
It should be here any minute.
Until then, the best
thing you can do
is show her that you care!
Try a little love and affection.
Oh, Arthur, I've given
in the past few days
more love and
attention to that woman,
than I gave to my
first three husbands.
Well, they had broken
spirits too, Maudie.
Arthur, how would
you like a swift kick
in your ACE bandage?
All right! But you'll thank me,
when that
prescription gets here.
Oh, by the way,
is Mrs. Naugatuck
covered by Medicare?
- N... No, I don't think so.
- Oh.
Then I won't pad my bill.
Honey, what are
you fixing for dinner?
- Well, so far, burnt mittens.
- Again?
Walter, that's what
you fixed last night.
I know, it's my specialty.
- What was that?
- Oh, Walter,
that is the sound
of a broken heart.
C'mon, let's try
to cheer her up.
Oh.
Mrs. Naugatuck, it's
so good to see you,
looking so spry and bouncy.
Yeah, you look terrific!
It's no use, you
trying to cheer me up.
I'm old and tired and weak.
- And, what?
- Weak.
- Aa-an-and what?
- And weak!
Oh, verdict. My life is over.
Oh, now Mrs. Naugatuck,
don't say things like that.
Dr. Harmon says,
there's absolutely
nothing wrong with
you. Except for-uh,
a little broken heart.
That's what he told me.
There is one thing
I want to ask you,
Mrs. Findlay,
before I pass away.
- What...
- What Mrs. Naugatuck?
What the hell is an ACE bandage?
Mrs. Naugatuck,
a broken heart is not
the end of the world.
Oh, I'm through with men.
My life's over and done with.
Do not ask me for
whom the bell tolls.
It tolls for me.
Boy, that was fast.
- Mrs. Findlay?
- Yes.
Were you expecting a
prescription from Doc Harmon?
Oh, yes. Are you
the delivery man?
No, ma'am.
The Doc said, I'm
the prescription.
- You're the prescription?
- Yes, ma'am.
I'm what the doctor ordered.
Aa-ohh...
The name is Bert, Bert Beasley.
- Mrs. Naugatuck...
- It won't work, madam!
And I'll thank you,
and everyone else
to stay out of my life!
- Is that the patient?
- I'm afraid so.
My goodness, this
must be my lucky day.
First, I found a dollar
coming over here,
and now this.
Now what?
Well, I-uh, I figured
she'd be an old biddy.
But she's...
she's beautiful.
Bert, you know? I
think, you are just
what the doctor ordered.
Yes.
Good hunting.
Hello, deary, my
name is Bert Beasley.
I heard you the first time.
Well, it bears repeating.
Irish, ain't you?
Uh-huh.
You English?
We're natural enemies.
I know.
Care to kiss and make up?
Aw-oh! Bert.
Say, uh-aa,
are you busy tonight?
Who'd you think you are?
Do you think you can come
marching into my kitchen
and pick me up
like a cheap tart?
No, I'm not, doing
nothing tonight.
Now, that's good.
This is my lucky day.
I thought we go
down to the local pub
and have uh-a
dollar's worth of beer
and get to know each
other a little better.
Come upstairs, while
while I freshen
myself up. Wee...
Well, uh, no thanks, dear.
I-I-I think, I'd better
meet you in the car.
You see, I kept
the motor running.
I didn't think she was gonna
turn out to be such a doozy.
Uh, Mrs. Naugatuck, uh,
could I speak to
you for a moment?
Uh, tell me,
what ever happened to
"I'm through with men"?
He isn't a man.
He's a prescription.
I have to see him before,
during, and after meals.
I think I'll call him
my "Jolly green pea
from the Irish Sea."
That was fast.
Five minutes ago she
was ready to kill herself.
You know, she is England's
answer to Will Rogers.
She never met a
man she didn't like.
That sounds like you, Maude.
Now, you're wrong there.
I never met a
man, I didn't marry.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪