Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Emergence of Vivian - full transcript

When Maude recruits Vivian into women's liberation, Arthur is not pleased that Vivian is ignoring her "household duties," and when she tries to stand up for herself, Arthur refuses to listen, putting their marriage in a delicate position.

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Oh! Kirk, forgive me.

Oh, please, don't leave me.

If you leave me,
I'll kill myself!

Oh, no!

I'm sorry the father of
our child is your brother.

Kirk, you've got to forgive me!



Forgive her!

You've got to forgive me!

Do you suffer from irregularity?

Yeah!

Ah! did I have a bad day?

You've had a bad day?

Grace Wilson threatened
to shoot herself...

and the Wentworth
Mansion's been looted!

And their daughter ravished.

Oh, you were watching
the 6 o'clock news?

No. It was called "The
Bold and the Bashful."

Oh, the television really
takes a lot out of you.

You think you're exhausted?

I must have shown one couple

14 houses today.

Everything he liked, she hated

and everything she
liked he detested!

What happened in the end?

They decided to get a divorce.

Oh, I'm telling you,
Mrs. Naugatuck,

all I wanna do is collapse

on this sofa and spend
a quiet evening at home.

A quiet evening in this house?

Fat chance!

All right, I want an explanation

and I want it right now.

All right, let me see,

the Wentworth
Mansion was looted,

and their daughter ravished.

Where's Vivian?

Search me Arthur, I
have been out all day.

I don't understand it.

I came home early
to surprise her,

I walk in the front door,
I stretch out my arms...

I shut my eyes, I got a big
kiss from her dog, Chuck.

Well, that dog has
a lot of courage.

You don't understand, Maudie.

If Vivian is not here,
then she's missing!

Oh, come on, Arthur,
she's probably out shopping.

It's impossible, I haven't given
her this week's allowance yet.

I want you to look at this.

Just look at this, that I found.

Look at that!

Oh, Arthur,

you made a bunny rabbit.

That is an un-darned sock

and this, this is my dress
shirt she was supposed to iron,

for the medical board
meeting tomorrow.

Now, something is wrong!

Vivian just wouldn't go off

without doing her
appointed chores for the day.

Her appointed
chores for the day?

Arthur, you're a credit
to the 18th century.

Maudie, I am serious.

Vivian wouldn't just go
any place without telling me.

- Where can she be?
- Oh, come on, Arthur.

I'm sure there's a very
simple explanation.

She's probably at the beauty
parlor having her hair tinted.

Vivian dyes her hair?

No Arthur, the good fairy
waves a magic wand over it.

Now, I know she's
not at home, Arthur,

but there has to be
some logical explanation.

- You're right.
- Of course I am.

Something terrible
must have happened.

Oh! Arthur.

- I'm calling the police.
- Arthur!

Arthur, now come on,
now stop that, Arthur!

Woman, unhand me!

Police, this is an emergency.

Put me on hold?

No.

Now listen, fella.

I'm a taxpayer and
I demand action.

No dumb flatfoot is going...

Yeah, I'd be glad to give
you my name and address.

Hi everybody!

John Smith from Cincinnati.

Kewpie doll!

My sweetbread,

you don't know how
worried I've been about you.

Arthur! My goodness!

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I just spent the day with COW.

Vivian, did you really?

- Yes, I did, Maude.
- Oh.

I did. I did.

You spent the day with a cow?

No, Arthur. Not a "cow".

C-O-W.

COW, Congress Of Women. COW.

Well I must say it's
named appropriately.

I know Arthur, we formed COW

to get equal rights from
its male counterpart.

Bull!

Oh, Arthur, I just
had a delightful time.

Maude, it was just so exciting.

I just feel so
vital, and so alive.

I mean, imagine me,

Vivian Harmon working
for women in politics!

Oh! Tell me Viv,
what did you do there?

Oh, gosh! I...

Oh, I made coffee,
and I-I licked envelopes.

You know my
tongue is still all gluey.

It just feels wonderful.

Vivian, you mean,
that's all you did?

Oh, no! Of course not.
That was just in the morning.

I spent all afternoon
talking to all those women

about our problems.

Women's problems?

What problems can women have?

Vivian, a person does not just

run out on her wifely duties.

- Do you see that?
- Oh!

He made a bunny rabbit!

Arthur, that's cute.

- Vivian!
- What?

What would happen if
I just suddenly decided

to discuss men's problems
in the middle of an operation?

It would probably save a life.

Vivian!

What? That was funny!

It was not!

Maude, this is all your fault.
You brainwashed this poor thing.

- Oh, Arthur. Come on.
- Oh, that's not true.

- Now, you should be proud...
- Why should I be proud of...

Wait a minute,
folks. Hey listen.

Finally emerging from
her cocoon to find there...

Will you listen?

Hey, I want to say
something, damn it.

Damn!

Vivian!

Do you realize
that's the first time

I've ever heard you
use a, a... letter word.

Arthur, four is a dirty word?

Well, if men can swear,

why can't women?

- Right, Maude?
- Of course.

Arthur, Vivian has as much
right to swear as you have.

And, she also has
just as much right

to say anything she wants to.

Now, come on, Viv, what
was it you wanted to say?

Oh, I forgot.

Well, I haven't forgotten
what I wanted to say.

When I married you, Vivian,

you were a lovely, tender,

gentle woman with untinted hair.

Now you're changing.

You're slowly
turning into everything

that's opposite to that.

You're-you're turning into, uh,

into another Maude!

Arthur, do me a favor.

- What?
- Go to...

Arthur, I-I just remembered
what I wanted to say.

I had a very nice time, Arthur.

And, I'm not ashamed.

Do you hear that?

On account of you, she
is not even ashamed!

Now, don't blame Maude.

I just wanted to get out
of the house for the day,

so I did. What's
wrong with that?

I'll bet he has an answer.

Worrying me sick,

not telling me,

not ironing my shirt!

I'll tell you this, Vivian.

My first wife, Agnes,
would never have gone out

and left the house,
the way you did.

No, the only way Agnes could

get out of the house was to die.

How dare you!

I bet, you wouldn't say that if
Agnes was standing here now.

Where-where are you going?

I'm going home, and
I want you there, too.

And Vivian, I'm wearing
those socks tomorrow.

And my toes, had better
not be touching leather

I'll be home when
I'm good and ready.

Vivian!

You really are a
liberated woman!

Thank you, Maude...

I'm good and ready,
Arthur. Arthur...

- Vivian!
- I know, I know.

I-I guess maybe, I just
haven't made it all the way yet.

Vivian, don't you understand
what you accomplished today?

I know, but I can't talk
about it now. I have to go.

Vivian, don't you wanna
be a liberated woman?

Yes, Maude, I do. And
I pray to God I'll make it.

I just pray to God I make it.

Vivian, if you want to
be a liberated woman,

you cannot hide
behind God's skirts.

Ar... huh?

Arthur?

Here Arthur, I'll do that.

I don't mind.

Arthur, I really want to.

It's all right, Vivian.

I lived without a
wife for many years.

I am perfectly able
to take care of myself.

Ow!

Oh, my poor baby!
Oh, let me kiss it.

- Here, give it.
- No don't you,

don't bother me.

- Now, come on.
- No, besides,
kissing doesn't help.

- Yes it does...
- No, I know it doesn't.

I am a doctor. I
know those things.

It can't hurt.

Yes, it can.

Kissing spreads germs.

If there is anything I
don't need right now,

it's a burnt finger
full of germs.

You are just exasperating.

And if you want
to know the truth,

I don't give a tinker's...

Ding-dong about your finger.

So that's what
it's come to, huh?

A tinker's ding-dong.

Oh, it's a pretty picture.

A devoted husband forced
into ironing his own shirt

while his foul-mouthed
wife stands around

swearing like a trooper.

Arthur, that's
the whole trouble.

All you ever think
of me as is your wife.

Well, what's wrong
with being my wife?

Oh! Nothing, nothing. I
love being your wife, Arthur.

And I love you. But...

You won't even let me show you.

You won't even let
me kiss your finger.

Alright, go ahead, kiss it.

I'm not in the mood anymore.

You see? You see?

Arthur, Arthur. Come
here, and listen to me.

Now, listen. Listen.

Besides being your wife, Arthur,

All I want is a
little independence,

a little freedom,

to-to do what I feel and...

And say what I think.

And maybe, once in a
while to win an argument.

Vivian, you win all
kinds of arguments.

- Oh, no, I don't.
- Oh, yes, you do.

- No, no, I don't.
- Oh, yes, you do

and that's the last word I
want to hear on this subject.

I just lost another one.

That wasn't an argument,

I was right, and you were wrong.

I was really pointing out
the error of your ways.

I used to do that all
the time with Agnes.

God rest her soul.

Arthur, you are infuriating!

I don't think I am.

You know, that really does work.

I want to do a paper on that.

Ohh!

Oh, it's crazy!

Now, look what you've done!

- Me?
- Yes! This is woman's work!

Arthur, I am not a laundress!

I am a person!

Vivian,

can't you see what you're
doing to our marriage?

Arthur, what are you doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

I'm trying to shake
some sense into you.

- Vivian, I'm your husband.
- Oh, yes.

- You're my wife.
- Yes.

And each of us has his duties.

Oh.

- That's perfect.
- Right.

- Yes, yes.
- Now.

-I bring home the
bacon, -Oh oh oh. Yes.

- And you cook it.
- Ah!

- Is that clear?
- Yes.

- Yes.
- Fine.

And as long as that's clear,

we shouldn't have
any further troubles.

Arthur, I just saw a side of you

I've never, never seen before.

You seem to have a question.

Yeah, I do. Just one.

Would you-would you mind

shaking me a
tincy-wincy bit more?

All right.

Vivian! What are you doing?

Agh-agh-agh-agh.

Vivian, you can't be thinking

what I think you're thinking.

Why not? The dog's asleep.

Woof, woof.

Because it's not a
woman's prerogative.

That's man's work.

Oh, Arthur. If I feel
a little amorous,

why can't I make a pass at you?

And what do you mean, work?

Well, I mean it's...

I don't wanna to
discuss it any further.

Here, mend this shirt.

All right, Arthur.

Afterwards.

Vivian, your behavior
is very unfeminine.

Is that what you want?

No, no, Arthur.

All I want is-is
a little equality.

You mean,

you wanna act
like I do, when I'm...

in the mood, eh?

Is that correct?

Yes.

Go take a cold shower.

Together, huh?

Vivian!

You are not the woman I married.

You are not the
woman I married at all.

You have changed. And
I find it very unsettling.

Arthur, I'm just trying
to change for the better.

Vivian!

In one short afternoon,
you've changed

from a sex kitten,

in-into a tomcat!

Wait, wait, wait,
where-where're you going?

Out! I-I'm going out. I'm goin'.

No, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.

You're not,

You're not going to the cemetery

to talk to Agnes again.

Vivian, please.

I have a great deal of thinking

to do about our
entire relationship.

No, wait, Arthur. Oh, Arthur!

For crying out loud,
who could that be

at one o' clock in the morning?

Walter, stop talking
about it and get the door.

- Get it yourself!
- Walter!

Okay, okay, you're right.

Maybe, I'd better get it.

After all, you're the woman.

I'm the woman, Walter?

I had to say it.

I'm the woman, Walter?
What does that mean?

Maude, for cryin' out loud,
you wanna talk Women's Lib,

or do you want me
to answer the door?

I'm comin', I'm comin'!

I got a gun! Who is it?

It's Vivian.

Vivian?

Oh, Walt... Oh,
Maude, Maude, Maude!

My marriage is
in terrible trouble.

Oh, there, there, there honey.

That's what
marriage is all about.

No, Maude.

Mine is really falling apart.

You had to wake us up
at 1 O'clock in the morning,

- just to tell us that?
- Walter.

We don't go waking them
up at 1 O'clock in the morning

and ours falls apart
every night of the week.

There, there, Viv.

Walter, would you
please put away the pistol?

You know, how I
feel about gun control.

Walter!

Now, Vivian,

tell Maude all about it.

Maude, we had a big
fight and he walked out.

Where did he go?

Oh! I think he went
to the cemetery

to commune with Agnes.

That was over six hours ago.

Six hours. That's more than
he talked to her the whole time

she was alive.

Honey, tell me,

what were you fighting about?

Well, we were arguing over
what happened this afternoon.

And, and Arthur
started to shake me.

And he shook me,
and he shook me, and,

and I suddenly saw a side of him

I had never seen before, Maude.

And-and-and it,

it awakened me if
you know what I mean.

Awakened? You mean, you were
asleep while you were arguing?

Walter, go sit in the corner.

So then, I made what
Arthur considered to be

a lewd suggestion.

And-and he got even more upset,

just because I
had the urge for...

funsies.

Now, look, Vivian.
You're a liberated woman.

Don't call it funsies,
call it what it is.

That's right, Vivian.
We call it whoopee.

How about a drink, Vivian?

My marriage is
going down the drain.

Doesn't anybody care?

Oh, honey, honey.

- Now stop worrying.
- Oh, don't "honey-honey" me.

If it weren't for you, I
wouldn't even be in this mess.

I should have
stayed the old Vivian.

I should have stayed the old,

dutiful, submissive Vivian.

Vivian, that is blasphemy!

That's easy for you to say.
You are not married to Arthur!

Vivian, anything's easy to say

when you're not
married to Arthur.

Now, now, come on,
Viv. This is important.

Your-your survival as a
free-spirited human being

is at stake. Don't
you understand?

My marriage is on the rocks.

Don't you understand?

Doesn't anyone understand

I'm trying to get some sleep?

I need my beauty rest.

Well, we'll try to keep it down.

Sleep tight, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Sleep tight?

That's not a bad idea.

Viv, you were saying?

Oh! I don't know, Maude.

Maybe, I was wrong,

maybe, I should've stayed
home and darned his socks.

Bite your tongue, Vivian!

Honey, if you give in now,

you're gonna be Arthur's
slave for the rest of your life.

Maude...

Now, you stay
out of this, Walter.

This is between
Arthur and Vivian.

- Then, what're you
butting in for?
- Because the sides

are not evenly
matched. Now, butt out.

Now, wait a minute, Maude!

- Not all women are like you.
- Yes...

Some women love to be dominated.

So let Arthur and
Vivian live their own lives

and don't ruin a marriage.

I'm not ruining a
marriage, Walter.

I'm saving one
for Arthur and Viv.

Right, but still...

And you know as well
as I do, Walter Findlay,

Yes, but listen...

That no marriage can
be happy without equality.

- Maybe it can!
- Listen, excuse...

We're not talking
about our marriage,

- besides!
- Besides what?

Besides we have
equality and we are happy.

I'm trying to make a point!

The point is, we are very happy.

We could not be happier.

I don't care how happy we are!

We have no right to
inflict our damn happiness

- on another couple!
- No!

Will you two just shut up?

Oh!

If I've learned one thing
from listening to you two,

is that nobody is
gonna help me with this.

If I'm ever going
to get the respect,

I want and be the
person I wanna be.

Then I'm gonna have
to resolve it myself.

Just me, nobody else!

Did you hear that, Walter?

Vivian, that's the spirit, baby.

You've come a long, long way.

I'm gonna go out there.

I'm gonna settle this
with Arthur right now.

- Maude?
- Yes?

Do you think, this is a
little bit too much "bazoom"

for the cemetery?

No way!

Go!

You're still here, Doc, huh?

I thought I heard breathing.

Yeah, I'm still here, Bert.

You got a problem, Doc?

Yeah.

Trouble with the wife.

Oh! Not that one.

I've never seen you here

if you didn't have
some real trouble.

That's right!

Every time I have
a problem to resolve

and I'm looking
for a place to think,

I always seem to end up here.

Well, sooner or later,
we all end up here.

Hey, Bert, how do you feel

about all this stupid
Women's Liberation stuff?

Ah, you're spitting
against the wind, Doc.

- Oh, yeah?
- Sure...

You see, what's happening
with the women today,

the movement, it's a tidal wave.

And it comes from here.

And nobody's been able
to stop it coming from here.

It's like trying to stop a burp,

when you've eaten a radish.

The more you try to keep it in,

the louder it comes out.

Now, who could that be?

Oh...

I just hope that,
somebody is trying get in,

instead of out.

Arthur?

- Vivian!
- Arthur.

Uh-uh-uhm, oh,
Bert, this is my wife.

- Hello?
- Oh, well, how do you do?

Uh, you'll excuse me.

Vivian? What are you doing here?

Looking for you. What
are you doing here?

Well, I am just-just-I...

Talking to Agnes?

Of course, I was
not talking to Agnes!

What kind of a freak
do you think I'm?

Arthur, all I know is every
time we have an argument,

instead of staying
and talking to me,

you always come
here to talk to Agnes!

That is not true.

I do not talk to Agnes.

I used to come here for comfort,

when Agnes first died.

Now, I just come here to think.

And to talk to Bert, who
happens to know more about

life than anybody I know.

Well, I'm not here
to talk about Bert.

- I'm here to talk about us!
- Shh!

Vivian, this is not the
place to talk about us.

This is the perfect
place to talk about us.

It is not!

I mean, it is not.

And I will tell
you another thing,

when I was married to Agnes,

I never had any
of these problems.

Until the day she died,

she never once
raised her voice to me.

Not even when I
accidentally cut off her oxygen.

I'm not Agnes!

And I don't wanna be like Agnes!

Well, I can't say I
blame you for that Vivian.

But, I-I don't wanna
be like Maude either.

Well, I'll certainly
go along with that.

I don't wanna be anybody but me.

But I'm other things,

besides your wife.

Oh, really? What other things?

Oh...

Arthur, listen.

- Now listen to me. Listen.
- Yeah.

I'm Vivian Harmon,

woman, wife, human being,

bridge expert,

captain of my high school
girls Soccer team for four years.

And class Valedictorian.

Arthur, I am all those
things, and more!

More but, Arthur, most of all,

I'm me.

Vivian, I never told
anybody that you weren't you.

How can I make
you understand me?

Arthur,

I'm not just your wife, Arthur.

I am a person!

With her own thoughts,

and desires and ego!

And all I want is the freedom
to express myself, Arthur.

Can't you get that
through your thick head?

Vivian, you are shaking
me, you are shake...

Because, if you can't get
that through your thick head,

I don't know, what's
gonna happen to us.

Vivian, Vivian! Vivian!

I'm afraid you'll have
to leave now folks.

If you're not in mourning.

Oh!

My goodness, is
it morning already?

Vivian,

lamb-chop.

I think I am beginning to see

what you felt when I
shook you last evening.

You are. You are?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I'm...

If I have the right
to those feelings,

so do you.

Arthur, are you saying
that the way to a man's mind

is through his sex drive?

Oh, no.

No.

Ah.. through his mind.

No, I mean...

Uh, I-I think I'm
beginning to understand.

Yeah.

Arthur,

for the first time in
our married lives,

I feel we're equals.

Yeah

Yeah. Yeah.

Let's go home and
really shake each other.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪