Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 17 - And Then There Were None - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Mrs. Naugatuck, now
will you please hurry it up?

I have to leave for
my sales meeting.

I haven't even
finished packing yet.

All right, all right,

don't get your
trousers in a twit.

There you are.



And now, if you'll excuse me.

I'm gonna take this little chap

and give him a few
drops of alcohol.

And we'll have a potted plant.

♪ She's in love, she's
in love, she's in love ♪

♪ She's in love,
she's in love. ♪

♪ She's in love with
a wonderful guy... ♪

Who's in love, with a
wonderful guy, Maude?

Certainly not me.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Right on time with
my morning insult.

Walter, I am so
excited, I am so excited.

Carol had another date
last night, with that same man

she has been seeing for weeks.

Who is the lucky guy?

She hasn't told me yet.

But Walter, it's very important.

Honey, this could be it.

She has seen him every
night for the past two weeks.

Thursday night, she
didn't get in till 2 o'clock.

Friday night, it was 2:30.

Saturday and Sunday, well,
after 4:00 and lord only knows

what time she got in last night.

Oh, it has to be love, Walter.

She's ruining her health.

Carol in love? That's wonderful!

Where is she?

She must still be asleep. Oh.

She probably can't tear
herself away from her dream.

Honey, I forgot.

My! You're getting tall.

Shows what a
little fertilizer will do.

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Not you, ma'am.

Him.

You have to talk to plants.

You know, so they'll grow.

Oh, c'mon.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you can't make
things grow by talking to them.

- Who says?
- Who says?

Dick Cavett had a talk
show for three years,

never grew an inch.

Oh, here it is.

We got a postcard from Phillip.

He is having a
ball up in Vermont.

Oh, Carol will be
so happy to see this.

Yeah, I'm gonna
slide it under her door

so she sees it as
soon as she wakes up.

I'll take it up. I have
to finish packing.

Oh, okay, but listen,
honey. Honey...

Please, sweetheart,
don't disturb her.

The poor child needs her sleep.

Hello, Mother.

Boy, does she need her sleep.

Uh, Carol, honey,
aren't you-uh...

overdressed a bit to go
out for the morning paper?

Mother, I'm not going
out for the morning paper.

I'm just getting in.

All right, c'mon.

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon Carol.

Don't you have a
little news for me?

Sure!

Here.

Oh, c'mon Carol.

Okay, okay, I know you're dying
to find out, right? You're dying.

Mother...

I'm in...

Love!

With a wonderful, marvelous,
fabulous man and he loves you.

Yes, mother! And...

Last night, was the
best night of your life.

Yes!

- Mother because last...
- Because last night, he told you

he loved you, and you're
going to get married.

Carol, I said because
last night he told you,

he loved you and you're
going to get married.

Mother, where
were you last night?

In the back seat of his car?

No, but I suspect you were.

Oh, Mother,

this is the happiest
day of my life.

Oh, honey,

mine too, mine too.

Even happier than that day

I accidently stepped on
Phillip's Spiro Agnew Watch.

Oh,

Mrs. Naugatuck, Mrs. Naugatuck,
my baby daughter is in love.

Oh, God bless you, dear.

♪ She is in love, she
is in love, she is in... ♪

I already sang that.

Oh, honey, c'mon.

Now, tell me all about it.

- I want to hear everything...
- Okay, well...

I don't want you to leave
out one single, solitary thing.

- Okay...
- C'mon, now. Tell me all about it.

Oh, Mother, Harold is just
the greatest guy in the world.

Harold!

Oh, Carol, it's
my favorite name.

Harold!

Harold and Carold.

They rhyme!

Oh! Carol, I'm so excited.

I don't know what to do.

Yes, I do know what to do.

Yes, I do know.

Carol.

This is for you.

Oh, Mother!

You're giving me Grandma's vase?

On the day you marry.

Oh, honey, this is my
most prized possession.

It's been in my
family for generations.

Your great-grandmother,
gave it to Grandma and then

Grandma gave it to me,

and now, I'm giving it to you.

My daughter, the future
Mrs. Harold "What's-his-name"

Carol, you haven't told me
what Harold's last name is.

It's Harold Loftus.

Harold Loftus!

She just couldn't stand
the excitement of you

giving her a son-in-law.

She is also giving
me, a daughter-in-law.

Harold Loftus is married.

That's grandma's vase!

Uh, hell with Grandma!

At least she doesn't
have to clear up the mess.

No, forget the vase.

It's you I'm interested in.

Oh, oh-no, Mother, Mother,

it's all right, it's all right,

Harold and his wife
have been separated

for nearly a month.
They're getting a divorce.

Oh, c'mon. Harold
and Marilyn will never

get a divorce and you know it.

They get separated more often

than most people
change their socks.

They'll be back
together within a week.

But it'll take us a year,

to get your heart
back together, Carol.

Oh, mother.

Stop the melodramatics.

Look, Harold says this time,

they really are
getting a divorce.

Honey, Harold
Loftus is a womanizer.

Every chance he gets,

whenever we play Canasta,

he reaches under the table
and puts his hand on my knee.

And he doesn't do
that just with me.

Does it with less
attractive women, too.

Like Harriet Crouse,

who could win best of breed
of the Tuckahoe dog show.

Mother, I know you
would say anything,

to turn me against him.

But I'm not gonna listen to you.

Harold is a
sensitive, gentle man.

Oh, honey, all right.

Let's say that Harold is a
sensitive gentle man but,

honey, how could
you do this to Marilyn?

She is probably,

the nicest person on the
face of this earth, Carol.

Remember, when I was in the
hospital with my hysterectomy?

She was the first one
who came with a gift.

She brought me a book.

Which I-I thought, it was
a such a sweet gesture

even if it was the "Joy of Sex".

Carol, I'm not going to let
you break up their marriage.

Mother, the marriage
is already shot.

Oh...

Now, please, just butt out.

I mean, I know
you're trying to help,

but you can't be objective
about this. You're my mother.

Carol, I'm not only your mother.

I'm your friend, Carol.

Your best friend.

Well, you can't be my
mother and my best friend too.

- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.

Now, don't contradict me, Carol.

I'm your mother.

Well, I don't need
a mother right now.

You say you're my
friend, be my friend.

All right, I will speak
to you as a friend.

Listen to your mother, Carol.

Mother?

Friend, knock it off.

Knock it off?

You can say that to me, Carol?

Me who loves you,
who cares for you,

who is only interested
in your welfare?

You tell me, to knock it off?

Yes.

And to think, I threw
37 Tupperware parties,

so I could afford to get
your teeth straightened.

Uh-uh.

There has to be some way
to get through to you, Carol.

And I'm gonna find out how.

Mrs. Naugatuck, am I so wrong?

Well...

Well, Carol, I
know how you feel.

I also know how she feels.

She thinks you're making
a mistake and she loves you

too much to let that happen.

What do you think?

Well, I can only say,

I was involved with a
married man myself.

And it turned into a
diabolical situation.

If it was so diabolical, why
didn't you stop seeing him?

Stop seeing him? I was
the one he was married to.

I got it.

I have finally figured it out,

I know how to you
get through to you.

I'm going to call Marilyn

and let her tell you they're
not getting a divorce.

Mother, don't you dare.

Now, Harold gave me his
word and that's enough for me.

The last thing I
want is my mother

calling my fiancée's wife.

Mrs. Naugatuck, look,

I know, we're living in an age

when children are not
supposed to listen to their parents,

but Mrs. Naugatuck,
you've been around.

You know that I'm right,

will you please tell
her what you think?

Yes, ma'am.

Carol!

I think your mother
should not interfere

and mind her own business.

Mrs. Naugatuck, God
will get you for that.

If you wanted a 'yes-man'
instead of a housekeeper,

you should've hired a parrot.

Believe me, even with a parrot

the house would've been cleaner.

Oh... well, a parrot
would've done a better job

talking to your daughter.

Butt out, Naugatuck!

Who are you to
tell me to butt out?

Your employer, that's who.

- Oh, no, you're not.
- Oh, yes, I am.

Not anymore, you're not, I quit!

Here's my feather duster.

I'm sure, you know
where you can put that.

Now you see what you've
done? Because of you,

I just lost a housekeeper.

How can you blame that on me?

You're right, it's
Harold Loftus' fault.

You see, I told you
he was no good.

Mother, I come home, I tell
you I'm in love with someone.

All I want is for you
to be happy for me.

And instead you
try and destroy it.

Carol, it was destroyed
before it began.

What's the use?

It started out to be the
happiest day of my life

and you've ruined
it. You just ruined it.

Carol, I only did it for you.

Mother, I-I'm sick of this.

I am sick of arguing.

I am sick of defending myself.

If I had any sense,
I'd move out.

Carol, if you had any sense,

you'd face up to the truth
about Marilyn and Harold.

He is no good.

He has been no good for her
and he will be no good for you.

That does it! I'm moving out.

Maude?

- Aww...
- What's going on? What happened?

Oh, Walter, you
won't believe it.

What?

Carol is moving out.

She is furious.

What happened to, "She is
in love with a wonderful guy?"

The wonderful guy turned to be,

are you ready?

Harold Loftus.

The one handed Canasta player?

Maude...

I would love to stay and help
you figure out something but,

I've got this plane to catch.

Oh, c'mon, honey, do
you really have to go?

I got to, I'm the
Keynote Speaker.

Maude, I got an Idea.

Why don't you come along?

Maybe my speech
will cheer you up.

Oh, maybe so.

It's called "Can the
appliance industry,

"weather the economic storm

with triple digit profits
during double digit inflation?"

Good-bye, sweetheart.

Well, I hope,
everything works out.

So long, sweetheart, I'll sail.

Mrs. Naugatuck!

I'll send for the
rest of my things.

Good, that'll be out
on the front lawn.

Good-bye, dear.

Good-bye, dear?

I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to the plant.

I'll be back to
pick up my things

as soon as I find
a place to stay.

Carol, Carol, honey,

can-can we talk it over?

Please, Carol.

You're my daughter.

Mother, we've already
talked too much.

Good-bye.

What the hell do you know?
You never had children.

Oh, Maude, I'm so
glad you came over.

Listen, you make
the salad, come on.

C'mon, c'mon keep
your hands busy,

there...

Oh, Viv.

I... know, I know.

Oh, Viv, my own daughter.

I've driven her out of
the house. Radishes.

My own daughter.

I know, I know.

I told her, I didn't wanna
be a meddling mother.

I just wanted to be her
friend. Green pepper.

I know, I know.

Viv, I don't mind her leaving,

but not under these
conditions. Bamboo shoots.

Oh, Viv, I guess,

I'll just never learn to
keep my big mouth shut.

I know, I know.

- Oh, Vivian.
- Hmm.

I love you, dearly.

But one more 'I know, I
know' and... so help me.

I-I do know, Maude,
Carol told me.

Carol told you?

Yes, so I invited
her to stay here.

Vivian!

Uh look, just until I can
find her an apartment.

Vivian, she is my daughter.

And I'm the one who's in
the real estate business.

All right, if that's
the way you feel,

she is looking for a little two
bedroom place with a dining...

Oh, shut up, Viv.

I'm just trying to help.

It's sweet of you to try.

I know, I...

Oh, Vivian, it's not her fault.

It's all my fault, all my fault.

All her life, I've
taught her three things.

I taught her, never to
take candy from strangers.

And never to eat
hamburger in a drug store.

And always wear clean underwear,

in case you get in an
automobile accident.

The one thing, I
neglected to tell her about,

was Harold Loftus.

I think he's cute.

- Cute?
- Yeah.

Vivian, he is a lecher.

He goes after
anything in a skirt.

He made a pass at me once.

That proves my point.

Listen, Maude, I
think it's Carol's life

and you have no
right to interfere.

Oh, honey, I know that, Viv.

And If Harold were
free to marry her, I...

I wound not be a
meddling mother.

I would only be her friend.

I would keep my
feelings to myself.

Why don't you just call
up Marilyn and ask her,

if she's going to give
Harold a divorce?

Because Carol does not
want her meddling mother

- to call Marilyn.
- Oh...

Who're you calling?

Marilyn.

But Maude, you just said you...

I lied.

Hello, Marilyn?

Maude Findlay.

No dear, I'm...

No, honey, I'm not sick.

Now, listen, I have
something to ask you.

No, I'm-I'm perfectly all right.

I sound terrible?

I always sound terrible.

Now, I assu...

Marilyn, that won't
be necessary.

Ma...

Wouldn't she know it? She is
on her way over to my house,

with chicken soup probably.

Oh, good luck, I hope
things turn out well.

Carol's such a sweet girl.

She really deserves the best.

Oh, Vivian.

Mhm.

Vivian, I am so lucky
to have a friend like you.

Oh...

Oh, honey, someone
so understanding.

Oh...

- Oh...
- So sympathetic.

What the hell is she doing here?

I'm your new next-door neighbor.

She-she needed a job. So I...

First my daughter,
now my housekeeper.

What're you
running here, Vivian,

a home for wayward girls?

She insulted me.

That means she still loves me.

Oh... I know, I know.

Harold?

No, babe, I found an apartment.

Sure, you can help.

Okay, bring the station
wagon, we'll load it up.

I love you, too.

Honey, you're back.

Hello, Mother.

Oh, Carol.

Oh, Carol. Honey, I'm...

I'm so sorry, I had
that fight with you.

Oh, honey, I'm so
glad you're back.

- But mother, I...
- Carol, you know,

I was just remembering

when you were six years old

and I gave you a nickel
for the wishing well.

And you threw it in
the well and you said,

"I wish I could always
live with my mommy."

Mother, I just came
to get my things.

I found an apartment.

I want my nickel back.

Oh, Carol, please, come back.

- Carol.
- Mother.

I'm sorry, but I really
have made up my mind.

Marilyn!

Marilyn!

Oh, please, Lord, let
her still be at home.

Nobody listens to me.

Hello, Maude...

Marilyn, we must do
this again sometime.

But you said you
wanted to talk to me.

Yes, I wanted to talk to you

and see if we could
arrange it for another time.

But-but Maude, I brought
you a box of candy.

I-I really got it for my mother,

but then, I didn't want
to come empty handed,

so I erased her
name from the card

and put yours in.

Can you tell?

Well, I can make out the
"O" and just a part of the "T".

Look, oh, Marilyn.

I do have something to ask you,

but I'm in a terrible rush.

We don't have much time.

Mother, who is that?

Uh, nobody!

Let's talk in the kitchen.

Oh, but Maude...

Look, Maude, I-I know
why you ask me over here.

Now, I can tell

- something is bothering you.
- Yes. Well...

- But I...
- Look, you can tell me, Maude.

I may be overly
nice, but I'm solid.

I'm like a piece of the rock.

Yes, well, what I wanted
to talk about, Marilyn,

is divorce.

Oh, Maude, you're
getting another divorce.

Marilyn!

Oh, you poor, poor thing.

Oh, poor Maude.

You're a born loser.

Look, Marilyn,

Marilyn, you are a saint,

and an angel.

But you're beginning
to get on my nerves.

Now look, what I wanted
to ask you, Marilyn.

Are you and Harold
getting a divorce?

Well, to tell you
the truth, Maude, I...

I was gonna give him a
divorce, but then I found out

he's running around
with some floozy.

Floozy?

I mean, really?

Huh, what makes you...

I mean,

well, I mean, just because,

just because some
girl is-is dating Harold,

doesn't mean
that she is a floozy.

Maude, you're covering up.

O-on my honor of-of-of...

Maude, you're the floozy!

Me?

You don't have to
lie to me, Maude.

Really, I'm very understanding.

Here, have a piece
of my mother's candy.

Marilyn, I assure you, I'm not
having an affair with Harold,

on my word of honor.

Now, thank you very, very
much for the information.

- But you...
- Honey, I'm sorry, I have to rush you.

But I'm expecting 55 for dinner

and I have to start
peeling shrimp.

Oh, anything I can do to help?

Yes. You just get out.

Oh, but...

Harold!

Marilyn?

Darling.

You co-come back later.

Maude!

Yes, you're right, Marilyn.

I am the floozy that Harold
is having the affair with.

- But Maude...
- Yes.

Marilyn.

What are you doing here?

Oh, Marilyn?

Harold?

Ted, and Alice, and
I wish I were dead.

Oh, uh, Marilyn.

I-I'm really sorry this
had to happen this way.

Oh, good grief, she is the one.

Oh, no, now look, Marilyn,
it-it is not Carol's fault.

Believe me, she would
not hurt you for the world.

Oh, Maude, do you
think for one minute

that I would blame
this innocent child?

Oh, never.

I'm much too nice for that.

Mother, how could you do this?

Look, Carol, just listen.

Marilyn, Harold,

are you or are you
not getting a divorce?

- Yes.
- No.

No?

Yes!

Now, wait a minute, Mare,

We settled this whole
thing last Tuesday night.

Tuesday night?

You told me you play
handball on Tuesday nights.

I do-uh, I-every Tuesday night
I stop by and see Marilyn first,

and then, I go play handball.

That's right,

first thing after breakfast
on Wednesday morning.

You lied to me?

Honey, I have to see
Marilyn on Tuesdays.

It's the only time we have
to discuss the divorce.

It takes you all night
to discuss a divorce?

The way we discuss
a divorce, yes.

Marilyn!

Every Tuesday night?
Marilyn, you really are too nice.

Oh. Thanks, Maude.

I don't believe this.

You-you're cheating on
me with your own wife?

Carol, try to have a
little understanding.

Understanding?
Harold, you lied to me.

And I trusted you.

Carol!

I'm telling you, I'm
getting a divorce.

Harold, do you
think for one minute,

that I would give
you a divorce now

and let you spoil
that poor child's life?

I'm much too nice for that.

Goodbye, Maude.

Harold?

Enjoy my mother's candy, Maude.

I'm back.

The quiet next
door drove me crazy.

Even with all the windows open,

I could barely hear
the fighting over here.

Welcome back, Mrs. Naugatuck.

I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to the plant.

Hi.

Want some coffee?

Yeah.

Okay.

Sugar?

Uhh, one lump.

Carol, speaking of lumps, honey,

I have one in my throat.

So do I.

Oh, mother, thank you.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪