Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Telethon - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

♪ Mr. Paganini, please
play my rhapsody. ♪

♪ And if you cannot
play it, won't you sing it? ♪

♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ And if you can't sing
it, you'll simply have to ♪

♪ Scat-da-da-de
outta-wha-da-da ♪

♪ doo doo doooo dodo doo dooo ♪



♪ Ski-de-de-de-de-
de-wha-do... ♪

That's perfect, Dave.

We'll do it just that
way in the show.

Walter, what'd you
think of my song?

Fine, fine.

How do you like my
thermometer, Maude?

Fine, fine. But honey,
what'd you think of my song?

Fine, Fine, but take a
look at my thermometer.

Walter!

What did you think of my song?

It's okay, Maude.

But, I thought that this
telethon was supposed

to be a tribute to the movies.

Walter, for your information,

this song is from
"Rhythm on the Range."

And was sung by Martha Raye.

Walter, you are so obvious!

Why don't you just
come out and say that...

That you don't like my ♪
Scat-da-da-de-ada-wha-da-da? ♪

Are you kidding? I
married you for your

"scat-da-da-de-wha-da-da."

You are so hokey
and I love you for it.

Lloyd, Lloyd. Don't
worry. Take it from me.

This telethon's gonna
be a big success.

Well, I hope so, Art.

Oh, here comes my
Co-Chairman now.

- Maudie Findlay,
this is Dr. Jamison.
- Oh!

The Director of the
Gallbladder Foundation.

Tell him what a
great show we've got.

He's a little nervous
about the show.

Oh, doc, that's showbiz,

opening-night jitters.

But like gallstones,
this too shall pass.

Mrs. Findlay, are we going
to have some big stars,

or aren't we?

"Big stars"? Of course we are!

To begin with, we've
got Euell Gibbons...

Oh, Arthur, honey, I'm sorry.

Euell couldn't make it.

Now, he's back home in Minnesota

with a severe
case of poison oak.

Got hold of a bad tree.

- Sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.

But, let me tell you
who we will have,

I mean, a really
top entertainer.

Are you ready?

Star of stage,
screen, and television,

- Mark Spitz.
- Mark Spitz?

Mark Spitz is actually
going to drink a glass of milk

on this very stage.

You'll thank me for that.

Mark owed me a favor.

I gave his manager a
double discount on a hernia.

A double discount, Doctor?

It was a double hernia, Doctor.

Oh!

Excuse me, have you seen Maude?

Oh, Maude! Oh, Maude!
Maude, I'm so nervous.

I don't know how Dina
Shore does it day after day.

I could never be a
big television star.

I'm glad you feel
that way, Vivian.

Dina was worried.

Yeah.

Well, as you can see, Lloyd,

your gallbladder
is in good hands.

Dr. Jamison, I tell you
this telethon cannot miss.

This is going to be the
greatest tribute to the movie

since the 1927
Tuckahoe Film Festival.

Right. And when our
thermometer there, see,

goes over the $6000 mark,

we're going to do our
spectacular version of

Hooray for Hollywood.

♪ Hooray for Hollywood ♪

♪ that phony, super
coney, Hollywood ♪

I assure you, doctor,

it's going to be
better than that.

I hope so.

Carol! Hurry up, you've
only got five more minutes

to rehearse your
number. I'll announce it.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Oh, I forgot. I gotta
get on my mark.

And now, as our
salute to all those

Carmen Miranda musicals,

here's Carol

and the Tuckahoe
Tippy-Toe Dancers doing

"I Yi Yi Yi Yi Yi Yi I
Like You Very Much."

♪ Boom chica boom
chica boo boo b-boom ♪

♪ Boom chica boom
chica boo boo b-boom ♪

♪ Boom chica boom
chica boo boo b-boom ♪

♪ Boom chica boom
chica boo boo b-boom ♪

♪ I yi yi yi yi ♪

♪ I like you very much ♪

♪ I yi yi yi yi I
think you're grand ♪

♪ Why why why you see
that when I feel your touch ♪

♪ My heart starts to
beat to beat the band ♪

♪ I yi yi yi yi ♪

♪ Like you to hold me tight ♪

♪ you are too too
too too too divine ♪

♪ If you want to be in
someone's arms tonight ♪

♪ Just make sure the
arms you're in are mine ♪

♪ Oh, I like your lips ♪

♪ And I like your eyes ♪

♪ Do you like my hips ♪

♪ To hypnotize you? ♪

♪ See see see see see
see see the moon above ♪

♪ Way way way way
way up in the blue ♪

♪ Sí sí sí señor I
think I'll fall in love ♪

♪ And when I fall I
think I fall for you ♪

♪ I, I, I, I, ♪

♪ Sí, sí, sí, sí ♪

♪ I, I, I, I can see that
you're the one for me ♪

Oh.

- Oh, was it all right?
- That was wonderful, darling.

- Okay.
- Now, be very careful
of the hat.

We're gonna have it
for breakfast tomorrow

with Grape Nuts.

Mrs. Findlay, uh, excuse me,

I'm Ray Moser,
station manager here at

- Channel 71.
- Oh.

Now, don't get me wrong.

I'm not the least
bit nervous, but

I did stick my neck
out for you people.

You know, you are preempting
our number one rated show

The "Perry Mason" reruns.

Tonight's was, uh,
the most popular,

"The Case of the
Moth-Eaten Mink."

Oh.

Well, it'll be tough topping
"The Moth-Eaten Mink."

But I'll tell you, if
things do slow down,

We can always have Arthur Harmon

nibble on his blue serge suit.

Harmon here.

Oh, Norman! How are you?

Yeah. Yeah, she is here.

Just a minute, please.

Maudie, Mark Spitz's manager.

Five minutes everybody.

Five minutes to airtime.

Hello, Norman!

What do you mean
Mark can't make it?

He-he's snowed in?

In Honolulu?

Hello?

- Hello?
- Oh.

- Hello?
- I knew it.

I knew it, I knew it!

You knew it was gonna
snow in Honolulu?

Shut up, Arthur.

Mrs. Findlay, I have half a
mind to withdraw the foundation

from this telethon.

Oh, please, Dr. Jamison,
you're forgetting

we still have a
stage full of talent.

That's right, Lloyd.

Like, who?

Well to begin with,

uh, this is Aldo Formica.

Who is in his second
year at Tony's grotto,

where his performance
has literally thrilled millions.

What does he do?

He spins pizzas in the window.

And this is Dick Winslow,
the one man band.

Hi, there, what do you want?

Symphony, jazz, rock...

And, uh,

last but not least.

This is Regis Bodine.

Who broke the color line

by appearing as the
first black Santa Claus.

He does an extremely
funky "Ho-Ho-Ho."

Hey, baby, what's happenin'?

Arthur, I think
we're in trouble.

No, Lloyd. Lloyd.

Don't worry. Vivian!

Vivian, let's run down my
number for Dr. Jamison.

Now, don't worry, Lloyd.

I personally do a number
that I guarantee you

every red-blooded
American's gonna love.

Are we ready?

♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle, do or die ♪

♪ A real live nephew
of my Uncle Sam ♪

♪ Born on the Fourth of July ♪

♪ I've got a Yankee
Doodle sweetheart ♪

♪ She's my Yankee Doodle joy ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle went to London ♪

♪ Just to ride the ponies ♪

♪ I am that Yankee Doodle Boy ♪

There are thousands of people

who tremble and quiver.

With disease of the tummy,

lungs or the liver.

Americans give

and never are gluttons.

They share with the sick.

And they wear
their 'WIN' buttons.

♪ Yeah, I got ♪

♪ A Yankee Doodle sweetheart ♪

♪ She's my Yankee Doodle joy ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle came to
London just to ride the ponies ♪

♪ I am the Yankee Doodle Boy ♪

♪ I am the Yankee Doodle Boy ♪

What, what?

Oh, Maude, Dr. Jamison...

W-We'll drop it! We'll drop it!

We'll cut it from the show!

You can do anything you want
with your show, Mrs. Findlay.

The Gall Bladder
Foundation is pulling out.

This is a fiasco.

- Oh!
- Wait! Lloyd.

How can we have a telethon

with no disease?

- Maude!
- Uh, uh, Arthur, don't panic.

- I want to panic!
- But this is no time to panic.

This is the perfect time!

Standby, Mrs. Findlay,

the telethon's on the air.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome.

Welcome to your first

annual telethon for

your mystery disease!

♪ In Dixie Land
I'll take my stand ♪

♪ To live and die in Dixie ♪

♪ Away, away ♪

♪ Away down south in Dixie ♪

♪ Hurray, hurray for the USA ♪

♪ Keep your eye on
the grand old flag ♪

Wonderful!

Wonderful!

Thank you.

Wasn't he...

Wasn't he wonderful?

And now ladies and
gentlemen, please remember

as soon as our
mystery thermometer

goes over the six...

Oh!

Goes over the $6000 mark,

we're going to salute the movies

with the most
spectacular presentation

of "Hooray for
Hollywood" ever presented.

And, now...

And, now?

Oh.

And now

we'd like to salute
that perennial classic,

"Waterloo Bridge."

In which a young soldier
returns home from war

to find that his
fiancée has become

a lady of the evening.

The soldier will be
played by Walter Findlay,

Tuckahoe's most
eminent appliance dealer.

And Mrs. Naugatuck,

that international favorite,

will play the role
of the hooker.

♪ Foggy day in London town ♪

Lonely ducks, like
to come to my place?

I can change a ten.

Roy Cronin!

My fiancée!

Is it really you?

I thought you were...

- Dead?
- Yes!

Yes. The war office reported
that I was killed in action.

You look wonderful!

You certainly didn't let
yourself go after you died.

I want to forget about
the war. It was ghastly.

I killed 200 of the
enemy in combat.

With my rifle, my bayonet,

and sometimes
with my bare hands.

Oh, fancy that.

And you being a chaplin, too.

Do you think we can
ever be lovers again?

I'm afraid love is a
thing of the past for me.

You see, I was shot in
the southern provinces.

Oh, well, it looks likes a
handshake instead of a kiss.

I do love you so, Gwendolyn.

And, I love you, Roy.

♪ Take thou this rose ♪

♪ This little tender rose ♪

♪ The rarest flower ♪

♪ In all God's garden fair ♪

♪ And let it be ♪

♪ While yet its crimson glows ♪

♪ An emblem of the love ♪

♪ I proudly, proudly bear ♪

♪ Take thou this heart ♪

♪ This heart that
loves thee well ♪

♪ Your dear eyes tell ♪

♪ God fashioned ♪

♪ For oh ♪

♪ God fashioned it ♪

♪ For you, for you alone ♪

- Oh, the-they're finished?
- Yes.

Uh, where is the Pizza Twirler?

Oh, Mr. Formica, you're on.

Hel... Now look,

we need a disease
for our telethon.

I know this is a small telethon,

but pinkeye is a small disease!

Let's face it, Maudie.

All the really good
diseases have been taken

by the Hollywood stars.

This can't go on. It's illegal.

You can't take money from people

when you don't even
know what the disease is.

Why not? Doctors
do it all the time.

Please, Mr. Moser, just
give us a little bit more time.

- Yeah, we'll need more time.
- Please!

I mean, you can't just
destroy the telethon this way.

All right, all right, all
right! Five minutes.

But if you haven't found

a respectable illness to
sponsor this telethon by then,

I am yanking it, and
putting on Perry Mason.

Oh, please, everybody,

think, think, put on
your thinking caps.

We need a disease!

I demand that somebody do
something, somebody, please.

Arthur, why don't
do you something?

I am doing something.

I am demanding that
somebody do something.

Mrs. Findlay, the pizza man's
been out there a long time.

I think his finger's going.

What are we going to do?

Where's Mr. Fontazu?

Where's Mr. Fontazu?

Maude, why don't
you do a number?

Oh, Walter, I am the producer.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll go out and make
another speech for funds.

I'm sure he'll be here
in just a few seconds.

Listen, please keep phoning

until you come
down with something.

I mean, come up with something.

C'mon everybody.

Let's all pitch in and
get a disease for Maude.

Thank you, thank you.

Mr. Formica, that was truly
an inspired performance.

Ladies and gentlemen,

your response has
been heartwarming.

And, please remember that

every penny you pledge

goes to fight a malady

that could attack your husband,

your wife

or even someone you love.

Oh, oh, good, good.

Ladies and gentlemen...
Ladies and gentlemen,

you have all heard of that
famous singer and song writer,

Mr. Paul Anka, Ah?

Well, your Mystery Telethon

is proud to present, in person,

tonight, on this very stage,

Mr. Anka's own gardener,

Mr. Amiel Fontazu.

Singing one of
Mr. Anka's all-time hits.

Maude, Fontazu isn't here.

Oh, well, eh, eh...

You go and get him,
and I'll just ad lib.

I can't Maude,
you sing the song.

Oh, c'mon Walter,
I can't sing a song.

Well, I mean it,
Maude. You sing it.

Walter, I couldn't
possibly sing fine...

♪ Regrets ♪

♪ I've had a few ♪

♪ But then too few ♪

♪ That I could men... ♪
Oh, Walter, this is ridiculous.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

♪ I did what I had to do ♪

♪ And... did it all
without exemption ♪

♪ I planned each
charted course ♪

Oh, Walter, c'mon, I-I
couldn't in a million years...

You're doing just great,
Maude, better than Fontazu!

Better than Fontazu?

Walter, do you mean that?

How about Sinatra?

Ten times better than Sinatra.

♪ Yes, there were times ♪

♪ I am sure you knew ♪

♪ When I bit off ♪

♪ More than I could chew ♪

♪ But through it all ♪

♪ When there was doubt ♪

♪ I ate it up and spit it out ♪

♪ I did it all ♪

♪ And I stood tall ♪

♪ And did it ♪

♪ My ♪

♪ Way ♪

♪ For what is a woman ♪

♪ And what has she got ♪

♪ If not herself ♪

♪ Then she has naught ♪

♪ To say the words ♪

♪ She truly feels ♪

♪ And lots of things
of one who kneels ♪

♪ The record shows ♪

♪ I took the blows ♪

♪ And did it ♪

♪ My ♪

♪ Way ♪

It made me cry!
It was really good.

Oh!

Great, Maude! We
got 28 telephone calls

- during your number.
- Arthur, 28 pledges?

No, 28 complaints that
you're not Perry Mason.

It is imperative
that you understand

that a telethon
without a sponsor

is against the law!

I could go to jail!

Oh, please, please,
Mr. Moser, calm down.

You are going to have
a nervous breakdown.

Mm-hmm!

I wonder do they have telethons
for nervous breakdowns?

Maude! Maude!

It is incredible!

The money is just rolling in!

Walter, that's marvelous!

But, who are we
going to give it to?

How the hell do I know?

Maude, it's all a big chaos!

Uh, th... thank you, uh,
thank you, baton twirlers.

Uh, thank you, uh,
uh balloon person.

Uh, uh,

ladies and gentlemen,

you have just been
absolutely lovely.

I mean, look, as you
can see, we are only now

$312 away from our goal.

And, while we're waiting
to reach that magic mark,

I should like to bring out again

that virtuoso of the pizza,

Mr. Aldo Formica.

This time

preparing a pepperoni pizza.

While asking the
musical question,

c'e la luna mezz'o mare?

Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen,

I should like to introduce
my Co-Chairman,

Dr. Arthur Harmon.

I have just a short
announcement.

Stop that!

I completely disassociate
myself from this show!

Arthur, come here!

- He's only kidding, folks.
- I am not.

I am not.

She has blackened my
reputation with this silly telethon.

Silly telethon?

Arthur, it's people like you
who make telethons necessary.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah!

We need telethons to
make sick people well

because we do not have
a National Health Plan.

Oh! Nonsense!

If people can get sick without
help from the government,

they can get well without
help from the government.

Oh, come on, Arthur,
what are you trying to say?

♪ Hooray for Hollywood ♪

♪ That phony, super
coney, Hollywood ♪

♪ Where every office
boy or young mechanic ♪

♪ Can be a panic ♪

♪ With just a good-looking pan ♪

Maude, we can't do this!

Not now, Arthur.

♪ If I had a talking picture ♪

♪ Of you ♪

♪ I would run it every time I ♪

♪ Feel blue ♪

Maude, I gotta say this!

Don't say it, sing it!

♪ Whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ You oughta be in pictures ♪

♪ You're beautiful to see ♪

♪ You oughta be in pictures ♪

♪ My star of ♪

♪ You are my lucky star ♪

♪ I saw you from afar ♪

Maudie, I gotta talk to you!

♪ Clang clag clang
went the trolley ♪

♪ Ding ding ding went the bell ♪

♪ You are my lucky star ♪

♪ I saw you from afar ♪

- ♪ You made me love you ♪
- Maude, this can't go on!

- This can't...
- ♪ I didn't wanna do it ♪

♪ I didn't wanna do it ♪

♪ You are my lucky star ♪

♪ I saw you from afar ♪

♪ Mad about the boy ♪

♪ I know it's crazy ♪

♪ But I'm mad about the boy... ♪

- What is it, Arthur?
- Stop it! Stop the music!

Stop it!

Stop all this. And all this.

And all this.

We're taking money here
under false pretenses!

People do not want to
send their money to us.

They want to give it to
the charity of their choice.

Oh, come on, Arthur, how come...

Well, of course, why
didn't I think of that!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Welcome to The Charity
of Your Choice Telethon.

- ♪ Heaven ♪
- ♪ Heaven, heaven ♪

- ♪ I'm in heaven ♪
- ♪ Heaven, heaven ♪

♪ And my heart beats
so that I can hardly ♪

♪ Speak to me ♪

♪ Lovely way to spend an ♪

♪ Evening with a turkey ♪

♪ That you know will fold ♪

♪ You may be
stranded out in the cold ♪

♪ Still you wouldn't
trade it for a sack of gold ♪

♪ Let's go on with our show ♪

♪ Let's ♪

♪ Go on ♪

♪ With the ♪

♪ Cohens ♪

♪ And the Kellys ♪

♪ The Campbells ♪

♪ And Vermicellis ♪

♪ They're all a part of
our tenement sympho... ♪

Drove out to the
airport to see him off?

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪