Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 15 - All Psyched Out - full transcript
A famed psychic reads Maude's fortune and alerts her to some surprising events that will occur in the near future, one of them being that she will marry for a fifth time. Maude begins to worry about this possibility when the psychic's other predictions start coming true. Ultimately, Maude decides the best thing to do is to remarry Walter; however, he throws a fit when she suggests a double ring ceremony.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
♪ Someday he'll come
along, the man I love ♪
♪ And he'll be big and
strong, the man I love ♪
Well, Mrs. Naugatuck,
where's Mother?
Oh, she was so upset
about losing the sale
on the Bamberger House
that she went out
with Mrs. Harmon.
Why?
To get over her troubles.
Would you like a cookie, love?
Um, no thanks, I have
to watch my figure.
Hmm, I see what you mean.
With me, it's a waste of time.
Where'd they go?
They visited that psychic
Mrs. Harmon's raving about.
Oh, that guy with the ESP
that predicts the future?
Yes. You know, some of
them are... are most uncanny.
My friend, Cicely Ashton Smith,
she went to a psychic once.
And he predicted that
she'd become pregnant!
Was he right?
Was he right?
He saw to it.
Mother and a psychic,
there ought to be
a million laughs.
That must be her.
Mother, is that you?
Hello, Mother!
Hello, Vivian.
Oh, Maude, really,
you didn't have to slam
the door in my face.
- Hello!
- Isn't it bad enough
that I have a broken foot?
Hi, Mother!
You know, the way I
feel about you, Vivian,
I ought to give you a
swift kick in the cast.
Ow, easy, easy! Oh!
And wasn't my day bad enough
without subjecting me to that
interminable session with
that irresponsible quack?
Bonjour, Mother!
- He is not a quack!
- Buenos días, Vivian?
Mr. Norcross happens to
be an accredited psychic.
He's been used by the
Federal Government.
Vivian, we have all been used
by the Federal Government.
All right. Then if
he is such a quack,
how about last week
when he predicted
I'd have my accident?
Hi, Mother.
Vivian, this is the
third time this year
that you have tried directing
Arthur to a parking spot,
and three times, he's
run over your instep.
Hello, Mother!
Oh, are you home already?
Mother, why are you so upset?
I'm not upset. I'm
just terribly annoyed
because I wasted
an entire afternoon.
Carol, I'll tell you
why she's so upset.
She is upset because
of the four things
that psychic predicted
are going to happen to her.
Oh.
First, she is going
to get a phone call
from a mysterious stranger.
Oh, come on. Now, Vivian,
that one's right out of the
Beginner's Gypsy Handbook.
Uh, second, someone very
close to her is going to suffer
a severe emotional trauma.
Vivian, everybody close to me
suffers severe emotional trauma.
Third, she is going to
receive some good news.
And fourth, uh, Carol,
I want you to hear this.
Imagine telling me,
who has been married four times,
that I'm going to be
married a fifth time.
I mean, can you imagine a
thing like that happening to me?
Yes.
And to think, I got you
your first training bra.
And then you broke training.
Well, look at it this way.
Getting married again
is a lot more interesting
than getting a phone call
from a mysterious stranger.
Oh!
Oh, no! The phone call
from the mysterious stranger.
Come on, Vivian!
If you think I'm
gonna climb the walls
every time the telephone rings,
that's ridiculous.
A mysterious stranger.
Hello there, old friend.
Yes, this is the lady of
the house. Who is this?
If I can sing the
Campbell soup jingle,
you'll send me a
free case of soup?
Uh, no, I'm... I'm
sorry, I don't know.
Uh, tell me, how's the wife?
Listen, you... you must call me,
and let's have lunch
together someday, okay?
Nice talking to you.
You see, Vivian, I've spoken
to that man thousands of times.
Maude, that was the
mysterious stranger.
Oh, nonsense, Vivian.
And stop trying to
make it sound as though
everything that psychic
predicted is coming true.
Mother, this man you're
supposed to marry,
is it somebody you know?
How could it be? She's already
married everybody she knows.
Vivian, you already
have a leg in a cast.
Would you like to try
for the entire body?
- Hello, girls!
- Hi.
Walter, hi!
Oh-ho-ho!
Have I got a great
piece of gossip for you!
What? What? What Walter, what?
Think, now think.
Out of all the couples we know,
who do you suppose
is getting a divorce?
You.
Grace and Harvey Winkler.
Oh, no, they're
already divorced.
You'll never guess. It's
Cliff and Joanna Naylor.
Oh, no!
Oh, Walter,
they've been so happily
married for 16 years!
You better watch
yourself, Maude.
Cliff Naylor has always said
you're the most charming,
best looking and
sexiest wife in the crowd.
Good Lord, I'm going to
be married to Cliff Naylor!
Maude, their getting a divorce
has nothing to do with
your getting married again.
Vivian, do you really think so?
Of course, their
getting a divorce
is a severe emotional trauma
to someone who is close to you.
That is it, of course!
Vivian, of course, she is
one of my dearest friends.
Oh, poor, poor, Harriet Naylor.
Mother, her name is Joanna.
Hope you're not gonna take
this whole thing seriously.
Well, of course, I'm not
taking it seriously, Carol.
Phone calls from
mysterious strangers,
Uh... severe
emotional traumas...
Well, one thing
at least, Vivian,
we have had no good news.
Oh, no, the phone call
from the mysterious...
We have already had that one!
Hello? Oh!
Hello, George. Yeah.
What? The deal went through?
They changed their mind
about the Bamberger?
Oh! That is wonderful!
Oh, George, thank
you so much! Muah!
Oh! Walter, Walter,
You'll never guess.
The Bamberger House
deal went through!
Walter, I... I'll make
more commission
than I've ever made before.
$1200!
$1200!
Wow! That's good news!
Uh, Vivian, don't panic.
Carol, what's going on?
She'll tell you, Walter.
Mother, look, now
whatever you do,
I don't want you
to worry about this.
Thank you, darling.
I appreciate that.
- Just do me one favor.
- Anything, sweetheart.
Pin a note to my pillow
when you find out the
name of my next stepfather.
Just for that, I'm
gonna twirl the calendar
on your birth control pills.
Look, will somebody
please tell me
- what's going on
around here?
- Oh.
Maude's getting married again!
- The psychic said so!
- Vivian!
I'm sorry, but you know
I crack under pressure.
Maude's getting married again?
Oh, Walter, Walter,
I didn't want you
to hear about this.
You must be heartbroken.
Sweetheart, I love you for this.
Laughing on the outside,
crying on the inside.
You're too much, Maude!
I mean you don't really
believe this phony, do you?
Walter, if he only were a phony.
Walter, this man has been
used by the Federal Government.
Maude, we've all
been used by the...
That is not funny!
Oh, Walter, Walter,
I know it's ridiculous.
I know it is purely
coincidental,
but everything the
psychic predicted
is coming true!
Excuse me, ma'am.
Stop hounding me,
Mrs. Naugatuck.
Can't you see our
lives are falling apart?
Yes, of course.
They always do at
this time of day, ma'am.
Mrs. Naugatuck,
you don't understand.
The psychic predicted that
I would be married again.
Oh, congratulations!
I don't want to.
I don't want to be married
to anyone but Walter.
Well, if that's your problem,
why don't you and Walter
just get married again?
You see? You ask
that yo-yo for advice,
and... she comes up
with the most ridiculous,
most outlandish,
most marvelous idea
I have ever heard.
Walter, that's the solution!
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
it is a brilliant idea.
Mrs. Naugatuck, I love you.
I love you. I love you.
Walter, we're getting married.
Yeah, I didn't mean you and me!
Well, I meant you and him.
Crazy Americans!
Walter, we'll make his
prediction come true,
and that way we'll never
have to worry again.
Oh!
Oh, what a wonderful idea!
Walter, a second wedding!
Vivian, isn't that
a fantastic idea?
I always cry at weddings.
Walter, isn't it exciting?
Maude, if you think I'm
getting married again
because of some crazy
person's prediction,
you're out of your mind.
- Walter?
- Absolutely not.
Thank you, Walter.
Any man who won't
marry his own wife
is a pretty rotten husband!
- Vivian!
- Aaah! What?
I hold you personally
responsible for this madness.
- Maude, honey.
- Oh, Walter, Walter.
I know I'm being
irrational, but...
Oh, Walter, I love you so much.
You know, I was just thinking
about the day we got married.
Remember? Six years ago.
Oh, it was so lovely.
It started with an argument
because I refused to
wear a wedding ring.
- Do you remember?
- Sure, I remember.
You said it was out of date
and a symbol of male dominance.
Not anymore, Walter.
Oh, darling, every
time I look at this ring,
I... I realize how lucky I am
to be sharing my life with you.
Now, Walter, the
idea of a wedding ring
is old fashioned,
but... it means a
great deal to me.
Okay, Maude.
Let's get married.
Oh, Walter, Walter, do
you really mean that?
- I mean it.
- Oh, darling!
We'll have a tent
in the backyard.
We'll have a big reception.
- Maude?
- What do you think?
300 people, 400 people?
- What do you think?
- Maude!
We're not gonna have a big,
fancy wedding, and that's that.
Now, just tell me when
and where, and I'll be there.
Okay, how about...
How about Saturday?
Okay Saturday's...
Oh, no! Saturday's out.
My sinuses are being drained.
Oh, good. That's very good,
because I wouldn't want you
dripping during the ceremony.
Then what about Sunday, darling?
Sunday at 11:00, right here.
Okay, Sunday, but it has
to be a short ceremony
because I have a golf date
with Arthur at 11:30 sharp.
Let's eat. Hmm, I'm
hungry as a horse!
Oh, Walter, Walter,
this is the most romantic
moment of my life.
Hmm.
Hold it, Carol!
Oh, good, I got one.
Oh! Mrs. Naugatuck,
what a charming gown!
Oh, thank you!
A few years ago, it
used to be a peek-a-boo.
But I made it over
as soon as the booing
was more than the peeking.
How do you like that?
I'm in Maude's gown.
Hold it, Vivian.
Oh, the darn
flash didn't go off.
Henry Fonda is
gonna hear about this.
This is exciting,
isn't it, Arthur?
Don't you think this is...
Isn't this exciting, Arthur?
Not when my bulbs
don't go off, no.
♪ They try to tell
us we're too young ♪
♪ Too young to
really be in love ♪
Maudie.
Those people that told
you you were too young?
They're all dead.
Oh, Arthur, you can
say anything you want.
Nothing is going to
spoil this day for me.
Not even you.
Carol, darling, would
you fix the bow in my hair.
- ♪ da-dum, da-da-da-da-dum ♪
- Mother, you're too much.
You are acting
like an 18-year-old
- at her first wedding.
- Oh, Carol,
that's because in
my heart I feel 18.
Even if that heart is beating
in a 45-year-old body.
Maude, the body is 48.
Oh, 45, 48,
what difference does
a couple of years make
when you are 18.
Oh, before I forget, Arthur,
here, here's my wedding
ring. Guard it with your life.
Philip! Philip,
you look beautiful!
You look funny.
Hey, Vivian, look at this ring.
It's almost exactly like yours.
Yes, except I'll bet hers
isn't a hand-me-down.
I don't see anything so terrible
about you wearing the
ring that I bought for Agnes.
May her soul rest in peace.
Good morning!
What can I do for you, sir?
Oh, I'm the, uh...
for the, uh...
Oh, the Minister
for the wedding!
Come right in.
Now, this is Mrs. Harmon.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
And this is Dr. Harmon.
Arthur, Arthur Harmon,
you son of a gun!
Reverend!
You two know each other?
Know each other?
I buried his wife.
Right, Arthur?
- And how!
- Yeah.
Well, how can I forget that?
Oh, that eulogy that you
gave for Agnes, it was...
It was a humdinger.
Oh, well, you are very kind.
But she was an
inspiration, Arthur.
She laid out so well.
She never looked better, Vivian.
What were those
marvelous words you used?
You know, you captured
the very essence of Agnes.
Oh, yes. You mean,
uh, "soft of heart"?
Yes, "soft of heart."
"Sweet of spirit."
"Sweet of spirit."
- "Strong of will."
- "Strong of will."
"And selfless of soul."
"Selfless of soul."
Oh, that is beautiful, Reverend!
Isn't that beautiful, Vivian?
Beautiful.
You know, with the
hundreds and hundreds
of sermons that you preach,
it's just amazing to me that
you'd remember those words.
Well, it's my business.
Oh, it sure is.
And Reverend,
if you're gonna run a wedding
half as well as you
ran that funeral, wow!
They're gonna get a
heck of a kick out of it.
Walter, I do not ask
for much in this world.
And I'm not being unreasonable.
Well, what is it, sweetheart?
Walter, you cannot get married
in your Arnold Palmer sweater.
Oh, but Maude!
Honey, come on now.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Here. Does this make you happy?
Yes.
And a necktie would
make me even happier.
A necktie?
Maude, we're only
getting married.
We're not going out to dinner.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Thank you, darling.
Now, Walter,
I have a surprise for you.
A surprise? What?
Hold out your hand.
Surprise, Walter.
It's a wedding band.
Isn't it exciting, Walter?
When I think of how much
pleasure mine has given me,
I suddenly thought
let's have a double
ring ceremony.
I'm not wearing any ring.
It's bad enough
I'm wearing a tie.
Walter, I thought this
would make you happy.
The way mine has made
me happy. Walter, this...
This ring is a
symbol of marriage.
Maude, it's obvious to the
whole world that I'm married.
I've got that haunted, beaten
look of husbands everywhere.
Walter Findlay, don't blame
that haunted, beaten look on me.
I've seen your baby pictures.
Oh.
Walter, honey, you don't know
how much this means to me.
You know what that means?
That after six years of
marriage you don't trust me.
I do trust you. Walter,
I trust you with my life.
It's my life you
don't trust me with.
That's what that band is.
It's a sign that says,
"Property of Maude Findlay.
No, trespassing, hands off!"
Is that what you
think of me, Walter?
That I'm just a
selfish, domineering...
The hell with the ring!
The hell with the wedding!
Let's forget the whole thing.
Walter, we can't,
we can't, we can't.
Don't you remember
what the psychic predicted?
And the hell with him, too.
Everything he
predicted is coming true.
The-the-the phone call
from the mysterious stranger.
The-the good news about
the Bamberger House,
The-the Naylors'
severe emotional trauma.
Trauma?
- They're happy are clams.
- Oh, come on, Walter.
They're not happy.
Maude,
Joanna found herself a
22-year-old ski instructor.
Well, that's happy.
But, Walter, we can't
take any chances.
Oh, darling,
please do it for me.
Please, please, please!
Maude! Make up your mind.
One ring, or no wedding.
Now, what's it gonna be?
Walter Findlay, are
you threatening me?
You're damn right, I am.
You've got 60 seconds to decide.
You know, I-I'm just so touched.
Two people with such great
spiritual love for each other
that they want to
renew their sacred vows.
- You're rotten, Walter!
- Forty seconds!
Walter Findlay,
you are impossible!
What is that?
That's the loving couple
sneaking a romantic
moment together.
Mrs. Naugatuck, why don't
you start the "Wedding March?"
Good idea! Maybe, she'll
come down by force of habit.
Mother, Walter, we're ready.
Ten seconds!
Oh, Walter, this is blackmail.
Five, four, three, two...
You're rotten,
Walter, you are rotten.
You are rotten, you
are absolutely no good.
You're just no good.
You are rotten, through...
Say cheese!
I got it. I got it.
My friends,
we are gathered here
today to share the joy
of Walter and Maude Findlay,
two beloved people.
Soft of heart,
sweet of spirit,
strong of will,
and selfless of soul.
Walter, do you take Maude
to be your beloved wife,
to love, honor, and cherish?
Mm-hmm.
And do you, Maude, take Walter
to be your beloved husband?
I do.
May I have the ring, please?
Walter, Maude, as you
know, this ring symbolizes
your commitment to each other.
Place the ring
on Maude's finger.
Oh, no, thanks, dear.
We've decided not to wear rings.
Maude?
Mrs. Findlay, the ring
is part of the ceremony.
It binds.
So does rice.
Maude, Maude, you're
supposed to wear a ring!
- It's traditional!
- No, darling.
I've decided you're
absolutely right, sweetheart.
There's no earthly reason why
either one of us should
wear a wedding ring.
But, you've gotta
wear one, Maude!
You are the woman!
- I'm a woman, Walter?
- Hang in there, Walter,
I've always thought
of her as a woman.
You mean this band is
a symbol of ownership?
To show she's your
possession. Right, Walter?
Yes?
Ladies, come on now!
Ladies!
Ladies! Come on now!
This is a wedding!
Look, can we goose
this along a little?
I'm expected at the cemetery.
Aren't we all?
Now, listen, Maude,
don't give me any more of
that liberated woman jazz!
Don't give me any
more dumb arguments
or stupid excuses!
All right, Walter, if you can
give me one good reason,
one honest, sensible reason
why I should wear a wedding ring.
Well, of course, I can give you
- a good sensible reason.
- What?
Well, if you don't wear a ring,
what'll the guys say?
Let us pray.
Maude, Maude,
you are an attractive woman.
You don't know what
goes through their minds!
Walter, after six
years of marriage,
you don't trust me?
I'll tell you what goes
through their minds.
"Findlay's wife's
looking for a little action."
Yeah, I can hear them now.
"Oh, Findlay's wife
doesn't wear a ring.
She's on the prowl."
And for crying out loud,
I'll be the laughingstock
of Tuckahoe.
You can't do this to me.
You can't do this to
me! Do you hear me?
You can't do this
to your husband!
I insist you wear this ring.
I insist! I insist!
I insist! I insist.
Walter, do you know
that the psychic was right
when he predicted that
someone close to me
is going to have a
severe emotional trauma?
And it wasn't Joanna,
Walter. It's you!
Me? Me?
I'm not having a trauma!
Where are we?
Beloved couple, soft of heart,
sweet of spirit.
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
Thank God!
Oh, I love you, Maude.
And I love you, Walter.
Hey, Arthur, it's
almost 11:30! Let's go!
Hey, sweetheart.
Sweetheart, please
hold onto this ring.
I can't swing a golf club
with that thing on my finger.
Reverend.
Do you perform
burials in sand traps?
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
♪ Someday he'll come
along, the man I love ♪
♪ And he'll be big and
strong, the man I love ♪
Well, Mrs. Naugatuck,
where's Mother?
Oh, she was so upset
about losing the sale
on the Bamberger House
that she went out
with Mrs. Harmon.
Why?
To get over her troubles.
Would you like a cookie, love?
Um, no thanks, I have
to watch my figure.
Hmm, I see what you mean.
With me, it's a waste of time.
Where'd they go?
They visited that psychic
Mrs. Harmon's raving about.
Oh, that guy with the ESP
that predicts the future?
Yes. You know, some of
them are... are most uncanny.
My friend, Cicely Ashton Smith,
she went to a psychic once.
And he predicted that
she'd become pregnant!
Was he right?
Was he right?
He saw to it.
Mother and a psychic,
there ought to be
a million laughs.
That must be her.
Mother, is that you?
Hello, Mother!
Hello, Vivian.
Oh, Maude, really,
you didn't have to slam
the door in my face.
- Hello!
- Isn't it bad enough
that I have a broken foot?
Hi, Mother!
You know, the way I
feel about you, Vivian,
I ought to give you a
swift kick in the cast.
Ow, easy, easy! Oh!
And wasn't my day bad enough
without subjecting me to that
interminable session with
that irresponsible quack?
Bonjour, Mother!
- He is not a quack!
- Buenos días, Vivian?
Mr. Norcross happens to
be an accredited psychic.
He's been used by the
Federal Government.
Vivian, we have all been used
by the Federal Government.
All right. Then if
he is such a quack,
how about last week
when he predicted
I'd have my accident?
Hi, Mother.
Vivian, this is the
third time this year
that you have tried directing
Arthur to a parking spot,
and three times, he's
run over your instep.
Hello, Mother!
Oh, are you home already?
Mother, why are you so upset?
I'm not upset. I'm
just terribly annoyed
because I wasted
an entire afternoon.
Carol, I'll tell you
why she's so upset.
She is upset because
of the four things
that psychic predicted
are going to happen to her.
Oh.
First, she is going
to get a phone call
from a mysterious stranger.
Oh, come on. Now, Vivian,
that one's right out of the
Beginner's Gypsy Handbook.
Uh, second, someone very
close to her is going to suffer
a severe emotional trauma.
Vivian, everybody close to me
suffers severe emotional trauma.
Third, she is going to
receive some good news.
And fourth, uh, Carol,
I want you to hear this.
Imagine telling me,
who has been married four times,
that I'm going to be
married a fifth time.
I mean, can you imagine a
thing like that happening to me?
Yes.
And to think, I got you
your first training bra.
And then you broke training.
Well, look at it this way.
Getting married again
is a lot more interesting
than getting a phone call
from a mysterious stranger.
Oh!
Oh, no! The phone call
from the mysterious stranger.
Come on, Vivian!
If you think I'm
gonna climb the walls
every time the telephone rings,
that's ridiculous.
A mysterious stranger.
Hello there, old friend.
Yes, this is the lady of
the house. Who is this?
If I can sing the
Campbell soup jingle,
you'll send me a
free case of soup?
Uh, no, I'm... I'm
sorry, I don't know.
Uh, tell me, how's the wife?
Listen, you... you must call me,
and let's have lunch
together someday, okay?
Nice talking to you.
You see, Vivian, I've spoken
to that man thousands of times.
Maude, that was the
mysterious stranger.
Oh, nonsense, Vivian.
And stop trying to
make it sound as though
everything that psychic
predicted is coming true.
Mother, this man you're
supposed to marry,
is it somebody you know?
How could it be? She's already
married everybody she knows.
Vivian, you already
have a leg in a cast.
Would you like to try
for the entire body?
- Hello, girls!
- Hi.
Walter, hi!
Oh-ho-ho!
Have I got a great
piece of gossip for you!
What? What? What Walter, what?
Think, now think.
Out of all the couples we know,
who do you suppose
is getting a divorce?
You.
Grace and Harvey Winkler.
Oh, no, they're
already divorced.
You'll never guess. It's
Cliff and Joanna Naylor.
Oh, no!
Oh, Walter,
they've been so happily
married for 16 years!
You better watch
yourself, Maude.
Cliff Naylor has always said
you're the most charming,
best looking and
sexiest wife in the crowd.
Good Lord, I'm going to
be married to Cliff Naylor!
Maude, their getting a divorce
has nothing to do with
your getting married again.
Vivian, do you really think so?
Of course, their
getting a divorce
is a severe emotional trauma
to someone who is close to you.
That is it, of course!
Vivian, of course, she is
one of my dearest friends.
Oh, poor, poor, Harriet Naylor.
Mother, her name is Joanna.
Hope you're not gonna take
this whole thing seriously.
Well, of course, I'm not
taking it seriously, Carol.
Phone calls from
mysterious strangers,
Uh... severe
emotional traumas...
Well, one thing
at least, Vivian,
we have had no good news.
Oh, no, the phone call
from the mysterious...
We have already had that one!
Hello? Oh!
Hello, George. Yeah.
What? The deal went through?
They changed their mind
about the Bamberger?
Oh! That is wonderful!
Oh, George, thank
you so much! Muah!
Oh! Walter, Walter,
You'll never guess.
The Bamberger House
deal went through!
Walter, I... I'll make
more commission
than I've ever made before.
$1200!
$1200!
Wow! That's good news!
Uh, Vivian, don't panic.
Carol, what's going on?
She'll tell you, Walter.
Mother, look, now
whatever you do,
I don't want you
to worry about this.
Thank you, darling.
I appreciate that.
- Just do me one favor.
- Anything, sweetheart.
Pin a note to my pillow
when you find out the
name of my next stepfather.
Just for that, I'm
gonna twirl the calendar
on your birth control pills.
Look, will somebody
please tell me
- what's going on
around here?
- Oh.
Maude's getting married again!
- The psychic said so!
- Vivian!
I'm sorry, but you know
I crack under pressure.
Maude's getting married again?
Oh, Walter, Walter,
I didn't want you
to hear about this.
You must be heartbroken.
Sweetheart, I love you for this.
Laughing on the outside,
crying on the inside.
You're too much, Maude!
I mean you don't really
believe this phony, do you?
Walter, if he only were a phony.
Walter, this man has been
used by the Federal Government.
Maude, we've all
been used by the...
That is not funny!
Oh, Walter, Walter,
I know it's ridiculous.
I know it is purely
coincidental,
but everything the
psychic predicted
is coming true!
Excuse me, ma'am.
Stop hounding me,
Mrs. Naugatuck.
Can't you see our
lives are falling apart?
Yes, of course.
They always do at
this time of day, ma'am.
Mrs. Naugatuck,
you don't understand.
The psychic predicted that
I would be married again.
Oh, congratulations!
I don't want to.
I don't want to be married
to anyone but Walter.
Well, if that's your problem,
why don't you and Walter
just get married again?
You see? You ask
that yo-yo for advice,
and... she comes up
with the most ridiculous,
most outlandish,
most marvelous idea
I have ever heard.
Walter, that's the solution!
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
it is a brilliant idea.
Mrs. Naugatuck, I love you.
I love you. I love you.
Walter, we're getting married.
Yeah, I didn't mean you and me!
Well, I meant you and him.
Crazy Americans!
Walter, we'll make his
prediction come true,
and that way we'll never
have to worry again.
Oh!
Oh, what a wonderful idea!
Walter, a second wedding!
Vivian, isn't that
a fantastic idea?
I always cry at weddings.
Walter, isn't it exciting?
Maude, if you think I'm
getting married again
because of some crazy
person's prediction,
you're out of your mind.
- Walter?
- Absolutely not.
Thank you, Walter.
Any man who won't
marry his own wife
is a pretty rotten husband!
- Vivian!
- Aaah! What?
I hold you personally
responsible for this madness.
- Maude, honey.
- Oh, Walter, Walter.
I know I'm being
irrational, but...
Oh, Walter, I love you so much.
You know, I was just thinking
about the day we got married.
Remember? Six years ago.
Oh, it was so lovely.
It started with an argument
because I refused to
wear a wedding ring.
- Do you remember?
- Sure, I remember.
You said it was out of date
and a symbol of male dominance.
Not anymore, Walter.
Oh, darling, every
time I look at this ring,
I... I realize how lucky I am
to be sharing my life with you.
Now, Walter, the
idea of a wedding ring
is old fashioned,
but... it means a
great deal to me.
Okay, Maude.
Let's get married.
Oh, Walter, Walter, do
you really mean that?
- I mean it.
- Oh, darling!
We'll have a tent
in the backyard.
We'll have a big reception.
- Maude?
- What do you think?
300 people, 400 people?
- What do you think?
- Maude!
We're not gonna have a big,
fancy wedding, and that's that.
Now, just tell me when
and where, and I'll be there.
Okay, how about...
How about Saturday?
Okay Saturday's...
Oh, no! Saturday's out.
My sinuses are being drained.
Oh, good. That's very good,
because I wouldn't want you
dripping during the ceremony.
Then what about Sunday, darling?
Sunday at 11:00, right here.
Okay, Sunday, but it has
to be a short ceremony
because I have a golf date
with Arthur at 11:30 sharp.
Let's eat. Hmm, I'm
hungry as a horse!
Oh, Walter, Walter,
this is the most romantic
moment of my life.
Hmm.
Hold it, Carol!
Oh, good, I got one.
Oh! Mrs. Naugatuck,
what a charming gown!
Oh, thank you!
A few years ago, it
used to be a peek-a-boo.
But I made it over
as soon as the booing
was more than the peeking.
How do you like that?
I'm in Maude's gown.
Hold it, Vivian.
Oh, the darn
flash didn't go off.
Henry Fonda is
gonna hear about this.
This is exciting,
isn't it, Arthur?
Don't you think this is...
Isn't this exciting, Arthur?
Not when my bulbs
don't go off, no.
♪ They try to tell
us we're too young ♪
♪ Too young to
really be in love ♪
Maudie.
Those people that told
you you were too young?
They're all dead.
Oh, Arthur, you can
say anything you want.
Nothing is going to
spoil this day for me.
Not even you.
Carol, darling, would
you fix the bow in my hair.
- ♪ da-dum, da-da-da-da-dum ♪
- Mother, you're too much.
You are acting
like an 18-year-old
- at her first wedding.
- Oh, Carol,
that's because in
my heart I feel 18.
Even if that heart is beating
in a 45-year-old body.
Maude, the body is 48.
Oh, 45, 48,
what difference does
a couple of years make
when you are 18.
Oh, before I forget, Arthur,
here, here's my wedding
ring. Guard it with your life.
Philip! Philip,
you look beautiful!
You look funny.
Hey, Vivian, look at this ring.
It's almost exactly like yours.
Yes, except I'll bet hers
isn't a hand-me-down.
I don't see anything so terrible
about you wearing the
ring that I bought for Agnes.
May her soul rest in peace.
Good morning!
What can I do for you, sir?
Oh, I'm the, uh...
for the, uh...
Oh, the Minister
for the wedding!
Come right in.
Now, this is Mrs. Harmon.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
And this is Dr. Harmon.
Arthur, Arthur Harmon,
you son of a gun!
Reverend!
You two know each other?
Know each other?
I buried his wife.
Right, Arthur?
- And how!
- Yeah.
Well, how can I forget that?
Oh, that eulogy that you
gave for Agnes, it was...
It was a humdinger.
Oh, well, you are very kind.
But she was an
inspiration, Arthur.
She laid out so well.
She never looked better, Vivian.
What were those
marvelous words you used?
You know, you captured
the very essence of Agnes.
Oh, yes. You mean,
uh, "soft of heart"?
Yes, "soft of heart."
"Sweet of spirit."
"Sweet of spirit."
- "Strong of will."
- "Strong of will."
"And selfless of soul."
"Selfless of soul."
Oh, that is beautiful, Reverend!
Isn't that beautiful, Vivian?
Beautiful.
You know, with the
hundreds and hundreds
of sermons that you preach,
it's just amazing to me that
you'd remember those words.
Well, it's my business.
Oh, it sure is.
And Reverend,
if you're gonna run a wedding
half as well as you
ran that funeral, wow!
They're gonna get a
heck of a kick out of it.
Walter, I do not ask
for much in this world.
And I'm not being unreasonable.
Well, what is it, sweetheart?
Walter, you cannot get married
in your Arnold Palmer sweater.
Oh, but Maude!
Honey, come on now.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Here. Does this make you happy?
Yes.
And a necktie would
make me even happier.
A necktie?
Maude, we're only
getting married.
We're not going out to dinner.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Thank you, darling.
Now, Walter,
I have a surprise for you.
A surprise? What?
Hold out your hand.
Surprise, Walter.
It's a wedding band.
Isn't it exciting, Walter?
When I think of how much
pleasure mine has given me,
I suddenly thought
let's have a double
ring ceremony.
I'm not wearing any ring.
It's bad enough
I'm wearing a tie.
Walter, I thought this
would make you happy.
The way mine has made
me happy. Walter, this...
This ring is a
symbol of marriage.
Maude, it's obvious to the
whole world that I'm married.
I've got that haunted, beaten
look of husbands everywhere.
Walter Findlay, don't blame
that haunted, beaten look on me.
I've seen your baby pictures.
Oh.
Walter, honey, you don't know
how much this means to me.
You know what that means?
That after six years of
marriage you don't trust me.
I do trust you. Walter,
I trust you with my life.
It's my life you
don't trust me with.
That's what that band is.
It's a sign that says,
"Property of Maude Findlay.
No, trespassing, hands off!"
Is that what you
think of me, Walter?
That I'm just a
selfish, domineering...
The hell with the ring!
The hell with the wedding!
Let's forget the whole thing.
Walter, we can't,
we can't, we can't.
Don't you remember
what the psychic predicted?
And the hell with him, too.
Everything he
predicted is coming true.
The-the-the phone call
from the mysterious stranger.
The-the good news about
the Bamberger House,
The-the Naylors'
severe emotional trauma.
Trauma?
- They're happy are clams.
- Oh, come on, Walter.
They're not happy.
Maude,
Joanna found herself a
22-year-old ski instructor.
Well, that's happy.
But, Walter, we can't
take any chances.
Oh, darling,
please do it for me.
Please, please, please!
Maude! Make up your mind.
One ring, or no wedding.
Now, what's it gonna be?
Walter Findlay, are
you threatening me?
You're damn right, I am.
You've got 60 seconds to decide.
You know, I-I'm just so touched.
Two people with such great
spiritual love for each other
that they want to
renew their sacred vows.
- You're rotten, Walter!
- Forty seconds!
Walter Findlay,
you are impossible!
What is that?
That's the loving couple
sneaking a romantic
moment together.
Mrs. Naugatuck, why don't
you start the "Wedding March?"
Good idea! Maybe, she'll
come down by force of habit.
Mother, Walter, we're ready.
Ten seconds!
Oh, Walter, this is blackmail.
Five, four, three, two...
You're rotten,
Walter, you are rotten.
You are rotten, you
are absolutely no good.
You're just no good.
You are rotten, through...
Say cheese!
I got it. I got it.
My friends,
we are gathered here
today to share the joy
of Walter and Maude Findlay,
two beloved people.
Soft of heart,
sweet of spirit,
strong of will,
and selfless of soul.
Walter, do you take Maude
to be your beloved wife,
to love, honor, and cherish?
Mm-hmm.
And do you, Maude, take Walter
to be your beloved husband?
I do.
May I have the ring, please?
Walter, Maude, as you
know, this ring symbolizes
your commitment to each other.
Place the ring
on Maude's finger.
Oh, no, thanks, dear.
We've decided not to wear rings.
Maude?
Mrs. Findlay, the ring
is part of the ceremony.
It binds.
So does rice.
Maude, Maude, you're
supposed to wear a ring!
- It's traditional!
- No, darling.
I've decided you're
absolutely right, sweetheart.
There's no earthly reason why
either one of us should
wear a wedding ring.
But, you've gotta
wear one, Maude!
You are the woman!
- I'm a woman, Walter?
- Hang in there, Walter,
I've always thought
of her as a woman.
You mean this band is
a symbol of ownership?
To show she's your
possession. Right, Walter?
Yes?
Ladies, come on now!
Ladies!
Ladies! Come on now!
This is a wedding!
Look, can we goose
this along a little?
I'm expected at the cemetery.
Aren't we all?
Now, listen, Maude,
don't give me any more of
that liberated woman jazz!
Don't give me any
more dumb arguments
or stupid excuses!
All right, Walter, if you can
give me one good reason,
one honest, sensible reason
why I should wear a wedding ring.
Well, of course, I can give you
- a good sensible reason.
- What?
Well, if you don't wear a ring,
what'll the guys say?
Let us pray.
Maude, Maude,
you are an attractive woman.
You don't know what
goes through their minds!
Walter, after six
years of marriage,
you don't trust me?
I'll tell you what goes
through their minds.
"Findlay's wife's
looking for a little action."
Yeah, I can hear them now.
"Oh, Findlay's wife
doesn't wear a ring.
She's on the prowl."
And for crying out loud,
I'll be the laughingstock
of Tuckahoe.
You can't do this to me.
You can't do this to
me! Do you hear me?
You can't do this
to your husband!
I insist you wear this ring.
I insist! I insist!
I insist! I insist.
Walter, do you know
that the psychic was right
when he predicted that
someone close to me
is going to have a
severe emotional trauma?
And it wasn't Joanna,
Walter. It's you!
Me? Me?
I'm not having a trauma!
Where are we?
Beloved couple, soft of heart,
sweet of spirit.
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
Thank God!
Oh, I love you, Maude.
And I love you, Walter.
Hey, Arthur, it's
almost 11:30! Let's go!
Hey, sweetheart.
Sweetheart, please
hold onto this ring.
I can't swing a golf club
with that thing on my finger.
Reverend.
Do you perform
burials in sand traps?
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪